Does anyone actually like Insane Clown Posse? I mean, when you read this sentence did you not just immediately get a stupid smirk on your face in reference to this musical act?! After reading the wikipedia page on not only the Insane Clown Posse, but also the wikipedia page on "Juggalos" I have a new understanding of their fans. They are morons.
There is a little get together known as the "Gathering of the Juggalos" which is also known as "Juggalo Woodstock." There is also the term "Juggalette" since of course you better not be sexist! I could go on about how funny this is but I'll leave it at this...a disturbing report by Utah police.
"According to West Valley City Police Department, there are 3,000 to 4,000 Juggalos in Utah. Of those, about 15 percent are considered to be gang members. "
These are dark days indeed.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Pop Culture Musings
When I walk into a big bookstore like the Barnes and Noble on the Third Street Promenade the magazine shelves are tiered into a few sections. Sports, Mens magazines, Womens, Fashion, Culture (music, tattoos, drugs!), and weird foreign ones that people buy to look smarter.
The mens magazine section is by far the most interesting to me...not only because I consider myself a man (HAHA) but I buy the most magazines from here. I like to look at GQ and Esquire because they make me feel smarter when I read one of their many well written articles. One bonus in buying one of these magazines too is that there is often an attractive woman on the cover of the magazine but you don't feel the inherent patheticness and stigma that is attached to say, buying Maxim. Bringing it up to the teenage girl who works the register just feels wrong.
Then there is the magazine Vanity Fair...is this a "manly" magazine or a more feminine one...or is it something in the middle. Last months issue had Kate Winslet looking stunning, yet I still wanted to get it for the articles. Strange, I realize. I also like looking through GQ and seeing a 450 dollar tie bar or 3500 dollar shoes...things I'll never own even if I imagine I could someday have the money to purchase such things. I do read the articles that can affirm my own man hood like knowing where the best steak houses are in New York, which at this point does me no good either.
WWE Style Wrestling Should be an Olympic Sport
The concept is simple. I feel that the outcome being predetermined actually makes the event itself more exciting. You (the viewer) will feel in your gut that you know how the predetermined end will occur, yet you do not and will root for who you wish to win. The theatrics of wrestling actually play into the Olympic atmosphere of competition. Can you imagine a ladder match that in the end gives out a gold medal. The Montreal Screwjob 0n an Olympic level would be the biggest scandal EVER. Also, as the writer Bill Simmons has pointed out, theme music makes everything better. Mashing both national anthems and Shawn Michaels 'Sexy Boy' Theme would be simply mind blowing. (Jim Ross announcing also)
Coach (The Tv Series)
In what has to be the worst move in the history of the University of Minnesota, the show Coach was originally supposed to reflect the school but they withdrew their support. How fucking stupid. If they would have endorsed the show at least the fake tv football program would have a successful football program.
BONUS WWF FOOTAGE OF MARK HENRY READING A POEM ABOUT OWEN HART (I CRIED):
The mens magazine section is by far the most interesting to me...not only because I consider myself a man (HAHA) but I buy the most magazines from here. I like to look at GQ and Esquire because they make me feel smarter when I read one of their many well written articles. One bonus in buying one of these magazines too is that there is often an attractive woman on the cover of the magazine but you don't feel the inherent patheticness and stigma that is attached to say, buying Maxim. Bringing it up to the teenage girl who works the register just feels wrong.
Then there is the magazine Vanity Fair...is this a "manly" magazine or a more feminine one...or is it something in the middle. Last months issue had Kate Winslet looking stunning, yet I still wanted to get it for the articles. Strange, I realize. I also like looking through GQ and seeing a 450 dollar tie bar or 3500 dollar shoes...things I'll never own even if I imagine I could someday have the money to purchase such things. I do read the articles that can affirm my own man hood like knowing where the best steak houses are in New York, which at this point does me no good either.
WWE Style Wrestling Should be an Olympic Sport
The concept is simple. I feel that the outcome being predetermined actually makes the event itself more exciting. You (the viewer) will feel in your gut that you know how the predetermined end will occur, yet you do not and will root for who you wish to win. The theatrics of wrestling actually play into the Olympic atmosphere of competition. Can you imagine a ladder match that in the end gives out a gold medal. The Montreal Screwjob 0n an Olympic level would be the biggest scandal EVER. Also, as the writer Bill Simmons has pointed out, theme music makes everything better. Mashing both national anthems and Shawn Michaels 'Sexy Boy' Theme would be simply mind blowing. (Jim Ross announcing also)
Coach (The Tv Series)
In what has to be the worst move in the history of the University of Minnesota, the show Coach was originally supposed to reflect the school but they withdrew their support. How fucking stupid. If they would have endorsed the show at least the fake tv football program would have a successful football program.
BONUS WWF FOOTAGE OF MARK HENRY READING A POEM ABOUT OWEN HART (I CRIED):
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Back Logged
Lots to talk about and believe me my big brain has been working OT.
First of all, Rambo II and III. These movies of course are brilliant on multiple levels. You have Rambo II which from now on I will dub Vietnam War II: This Time We Win. Maybe I'm giving too much credit to this film and the writing team that included James Cameron but lets be clear here, Rambo II aka First Blood Part II aka Vietnam War II: This Time We Win is completely hilariously awesome in its many allegories to Vietnam War I: The War We Lost. I am of course an expert on the Vietnam War as I took ONE WHOLE class about it my Sophomore year in college!!!!!
The movie begins with Rambo breaking up rocks in some hard labor camp because you know, he blew up a whole fucking town in the first movie and made Brian Dennehey (that spelling is wrong) and his police force his own personal punching bag. Which reminds me that Brian Dennehey only reminds me of that terrible ESPN movie Season on the Brink about Bobby Knight. Anyhow, Rambo is recruited on what is later found out to be a PR mission to just "Take photos" of camps where POWs are presumably being held. What we find out though is that a weasely pencil pusher beuracrat doesn't even care about the POW's that may or may not exist!! Parralels from the war include this 'pencil pushers' belief that superior technology will triumph over low grade tech and hard work....which of course is the Vietcong beating the technologically superior United States. The closing scene even has Rambo coming back into the high tech command center yelling with rage and shooting the shit out of the place.
The classic line, "Do we get to win this time?" is uttered. Also Rambo has a brief love at first sight romance with an asian woman who talks very broken english.
Let us not dwell on Vietnam War II...as we have Rambo III..aka Rambo helps the Taliban. The plot in this one is even shittier so I'm not going to bother.
Key Points in Rambo III include:
-Rambo RAMS A TANK HE IS DRIVING INTO A HELICOPTER!!!!
-The line, "God would have mercy, John Rambo won't"
-The film concludes with a dedication to the people of Afghanistan...and implies that they are dedicating it to those scrappy freedom fighters taking on those darn soviets....aka the Taliban!
Now a Book Review: Rebels On the Backlot or as I call it: Really Shitty Book
I ended up skimming good portions of this book because it is pretty terrible. I guess this is because I'm already a movie nerd and was more interested in how these "rebels" broke through the hollywood system and worked within the confines of it. Instead I learned that Tarantino doesn't bathe. Now maybe I already knew too much about Spike Jonze but some of the things that the author was saying about him were pretty much false. I also had issues with her wording on things. She implies that the Jonze directed video for the song "Sabotage" is responsible for giving The Beastie Boys their first huge hit. This is patently false on several levels...now I do concur that the video in conjunction with heavy play on MTV at a time where MTV's influence was at an all time high no doubt helped the record, but The Beastie Boys were successful prior to this as well. Yeah, I'm nitpicking a single sentence that was pretty much throwaway in this book but it bothered me. Too gossipy, not enough hard information, and overall pretty boring....boourns.
Chinese Democracy exists...is out, people have heard it. The record that is pretty much dead set on not coming out in 2008 despite the promises is of course the long awaited album by Dr. Dre known as DETOX. I am waiting to lay back in my shack, play this track. Also I was waiting for the bus the other day and this guy in a nice new BMW rolled up and was bumping Regulators by Warren G. If you don't know this song or the record you better go download it right now. The G Funk Era is an era that I rank right behind the Industrial Revolution era.
Lastly, there is a place called DRAGO right across the street from the bar I always go too. I have been tempted to run into that place (only after growing a healthy beard) and wearing a stocking cap and what not and yelling "DRAGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Rocky 4 joke you uncultured bastards.
First of all, Rambo II and III. These movies of course are brilliant on multiple levels. You have Rambo II which from now on I will dub Vietnam War II: This Time We Win. Maybe I'm giving too much credit to this film and the writing team that included James Cameron but lets be clear here, Rambo II aka First Blood Part II aka Vietnam War II: This Time We Win is completely hilariously awesome in its many allegories to Vietnam War I: The War We Lost. I am of course an expert on the Vietnam War as I took ONE WHOLE class about it my Sophomore year in college!!!!!
The movie begins with Rambo breaking up rocks in some hard labor camp because you know, he blew up a whole fucking town in the first movie and made Brian Dennehey (that spelling is wrong) and his police force his own personal punching bag. Which reminds me that Brian Dennehey only reminds me of that terrible ESPN movie Season on the Brink about Bobby Knight. Anyhow, Rambo is recruited on what is later found out to be a PR mission to just "Take photos" of camps where POWs are presumably being held. What we find out though is that a weasely pencil pusher beuracrat doesn't even care about the POW's that may or may not exist!! Parralels from the war include this 'pencil pushers' belief that superior technology will triumph over low grade tech and hard work....which of course is the Vietcong beating the technologically superior United States. The closing scene even has Rambo coming back into the high tech command center yelling with rage and shooting the shit out of the place.
The classic line, "Do we get to win this time?" is uttered. Also Rambo has a brief love at first sight romance with an asian woman who talks very broken english.
Let us not dwell on Vietnam War II...as we have Rambo III..aka Rambo helps the Taliban. The plot in this one is even shittier so I'm not going to bother.
Key Points in Rambo III include:
-Rambo RAMS A TANK HE IS DRIVING INTO A HELICOPTER!!!!
-The line, "God would have mercy, John Rambo won't"
-The film concludes with a dedication to the people of Afghanistan...and implies that they are dedicating it to those scrappy freedom fighters taking on those darn soviets....aka the Taliban!
Now a Book Review: Rebels On the Backlot or as I call it: Really Shitty Book
I ended up skimming good portions of this book because it is pretty terrible. I guess this is because I'm already a movie nerd and was more interested in how these "rebels" broke through the hollywood system and worked within the confines of it. Instead I learned that Tarantino doesn't bathe. Now maybe I already knew too much about Spike Jonze but some of the things that the author was saying about him were pretty much false. I also had issues with her wording on things. She implies that the Jonze directed video for the song "Sabotage" is responsible for giving The Beastie Boys their first huge hit. This is patently false on several levels...now I do concur that the video in conjunction with heavy play on MTV at a time where MTV's influence was at an all time high no doubt helped the record, but The Beastie Boys were successful prior to this as well. Yeah, I'm nitpicking a single sentence that was pretty much throwaway in this book but it bothered me. Too gossipy, not enough hard information, and overall pretty boring....boourns.
Chinese Democracy exists...is out, people have heard it. The record that is pretty much dead set on not coming out in 2008 despite the promises is of course the long awaited album by Dr. Dre known as DETOX. I am waiting to lay back in my shack, play this track. Also I was waiting for the bus the other day and this guy in a nice new BMW rolled up and was bumping Regulators by Warren G. If you don't know this song or the record you better go download it right now. The G Funk Era is an era that I rank right behind the Industrial Revolution era.
Lastly, there is a place called DRAGO right across the street from the bar I always go too. I have been tempted to run into that place (only after growing a healthy beard) and wearing a stocking cap and what not and yelling "DRAGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Rocky 4 joke you uncultured bastards.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Holy Cow
Long time no blog. Haha, get it? Fuck you.
Anyways, there are a few things that need to be said. Mystic River, Gone Baby Gone, and Michael Clayton all blew me the fuck away. Really good movies. I'm currently reading The Devil in the White City, also fucking awesome thus far.
Not so awesome, being poor. There is a lot I could say about living in California but I mean you can pretty much guess it. Traffic sucks or something, weather is nice, and all that jazz. Interesting note though, living alone creates new levels of paranoia and even though the odds of a break in are infinitely low, I still freak out when I hear random noises at night.
Also, dear hot chick who comes to where I work, please go out with me.
Anyways, there are a few things that need to be said. Mystic River, Gone Baby Gone, and Michael Clayton all blew me the fuck away. Really good movies. I'm currently reading The Devil in the White City, also fucking awesome thus far.
Not so awesome, being poor. There is a lot I could say about living in California but I mean you can pretty much guess it. Traffic sucks or something, weather is nice, and all that jazz. Interesting note though, living alone creates new levels of paranoia and even though the odds of a break in are infinitely low, I still freak out when I hear random noises at night.
Also, dear hot chick who comes to where I work, please go out with me.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Greetings
From the sunny state of California I stab at thee. Couple interesting things to note when you live in a place and area infested with people with more wealth invested in a single car than I may make over the next ten years....it makes me feel bad!
On the other hand the beach is nice. This post sucks ass but I promise more interesting and funny stories...such as the homeless guy who is chilling in the library and has a laptop. I suppose being homeless ain't that bad if you can get free wireless.
On the other hand the beach is nice. This post sucks ass but I promise more interesting and funny stories...such as the homeless guy who is chilling in the library and has a laptop. I suppose being homeless ain't that bad if you can get free wireless.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
T-Pain is Terrible
Woah...long time with no blogging. Sorry.
Anyways the topic of tonights discussion will be T-Pain and his song "Can't Believe It." First I should say I've heard this song maybe 3 times and every time it was heard on B 96 one of a few R&B/Hip Hop stations in the Twin Cities. Also, holy shit htis song is bad. T-Pain is only 23 but he already has more money than I will ever have and slept with more women who were undoubtebly more beautiful than any women I have slept with. This all in mind, the lyrics to the song "Can't Believe It" are so terrible I just have to highlight them and make a running commentary here.
If you want to listen to the song: CLICK HERE
Anyways the song is essentially an ode to a woman that T-Pain appears to love/lust after. The main rub of the song is that he intends to shower her with gifts but also provide her with great vacations/trips to many destinations. This is where it gets funny.
He first offers her a "cabin, somewhere in aspen." This sounds alright.
He then offers to put her, "In a mansion, all the way in wiscansin." Not only does a mansion in Wiscansin (sic) not sound terribly appealing, is the dream of many a woman to live in a nice house in the suburbs of Milwaukee?
"I'll put you in a condo, all the way in Toronto" says T-Pain...and once more that sounds shitty. Why a condo in toronto? So many unanswered questions, but at least T-Pain knows what he wants to do with his women.
Anyways the topic of tonights discussion will be T-Pain and his song "Can't Believe It." First I should say I've heard this song maybe 3 times and every time it was heard on B 96 one of a few R&B/Hip Hop stations in the Twin Cities. Also, holy shit htis song is bad. T-Pain is only 23 but he already has more money than I will ever have and slept with more women who were undoubtebly more beautiful than any women I have slept with. This all in mind, the lyrics to the song "Can't Believe It" are so terrible I just have to highlight them and make a running commentary here.
If you want to listen to the song: CLICK HERE
Anyways the song is essentially an ode to a woman that T-Pain appears to love/lust after. The main rub of the song is that he intends to shower her with gifts but also provide her with great vacations/trips to many destinations. This is where it gets funny.
He first offers her a "cabin, somewhere in aspen." This sounds alright.
He then offers to put her, "In a mansion, all the way in wiscansin." Not only does a mansion in Wiscansin (sic) not sound terribly appealing, is the dream of many a woman to live in a nice house in the suburbs of Milwaukee?
"I'll put you in a condo, all the way in Toronto" says T-Pain...and once more that sounds shitty. Why a condo in toronto? So many unanswered questions, but at least T-Pain knows what he wants to do with his women.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
SportsClips Haircuts
Or rather, what the fuck is this bullshit? At my work I found a few coupons for a $7.95 "Varsity Haircut" at SportsClips. According to the coupon, "Guys Win, Sports on TV, and Guy Smart Stylists." Included is an extremely cheesy picture of a guy getting a haircut from a woman in a terrible windbreaker jacket that is evidently "athletic" in nature. Did I mention the coupon is shaped like a ticket stub.
On the back of the ticket the slogan says "Where guys are treated like M.V.P.s EVERY DAY!" According to its own website, the story of SportsClips began when CEO Gordan Logan "recognized there was a market niche in targeting just for guys hair salons. No longer would a guy have to enter a woman's salon with its smelley perms and hair colors." They will also deliver haircuts without all that "Fuss and chit chat of a full service salon." Did I mention they have lots of televisions with sports on them. So far it doesn't sound that bad but on the other hand it doesn't sound that good either. The premise is stupid if you ask me but evidently this is a wildly popular growing business according to the website.
Two things that strike me as fundamentally wrong with this company. First I would like to point out that if you were really a true sports fan you wouldn't go to get your haircut if there was anything even remotely important regarding sports that you cared about going on at the same time. It's Sunday afternoon and the Vikings need to win to seal the division. I'm not about to go to Sportscuts just because they'll have a tv with the game on. Secondly, who gives a shit about the "chit chat" and the "smells." Say what you want but I enjoy it! Going into a nicer salon and getting a nice hair cut from a woman (or the occasional man) who knows what the fuck is up is nice and relaxing. Do we as society (and as sports fans) really need a place to get our haircut that is sports related? Must we also make the women working at sportscuts dress in terrible terrible uniforms? I guess we do.
On the back of the ticket the slogan says "Where guys are treated like M.V.P.s EVERY DAY!" According to its own website, the story of SportsClips began when CEO Gordan Logan "recognized there was a market niche in targeting just for guys hair salons. No longer would a guy have to enter a woman's salon with its smelley perms and hair colors." They will also deliver haircuts without all that "Fuss and chit chat of a full service salon." Did I mention they have lots of televisions with sports on them. So far it doesn't sound that bad but on the other hand it doesn't sound that good either. The premise is stupid if you ask me but evidently this is a wildly popular growing business according to the website.
Two things that strike me as fundamentally wrong with this company. First I would like to point out that if you were really a true sports fan you wouldn't go to get your haircut if there was anything even remotely important regarding sports that you cared about going on at the same time. It's Sunday afternoon and the Vikings need to win to seal the division. I'm not about to go to Sportscuts just because they'll have a tv with the game on. Secondly, who gives a shit about the "chit chat" and the "smells." Say what you want but I enjoy it! Going into a nicer salon and getting a nice hair cut from a woman (or the occasional man) who knows what the fuck is up is nice and relaxing. Do we as society (and as sports fans) really need a place to get our haircut that is sports related? Must we also make the women working at sportscuts dress in terrible terrible uniforms? I guess we do.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Late Night Television
In the blur that is late night television I saw 3 things that either made me laugh or made me feel disturbed.
First was the new Extenze male enhancement commercial. I only saw the last second as a new informercial was coming on but what I did seed is extenze now has some sort of drink that will evidently make you "bigger." Yes, it comes in a aluminum can and it was really weird. Maybe it tastes like MONSTER.
Secondly I saw a commercial where this young lady was walking around and basically every guy she ran into whether it was the hot guy at school or the creepy old guy at the movie theater kept saying hi to her. Except as the commercial progressed the people saying hi got creepier and asked things like "What underwear are you wearing today." The message at the end though was simply that you should be careful of what you post online. Interesting.
Lastly and I think I've already posted about this before but basically there is this one bowel cleansing commercial where this dude with creepy eyebrows talks about how much bad stuff we breathe in and eat. They show a really weird picture of what is allegedly a "colon discharge" following a cleanse. It was a big green blob. Disgusting.
Thanks Late night tv.
First was the new Extenze male enhancement commercial. I only saw the last second as a new informercial was coming on but what I did seed is extenze now has some sort of drink that will evidently make you "bigger." Yes, it comes in a aluminum can and it was really weird. Maybe it tastes like MONSTER.
Secondly I saw a commercial where this young lady was walking around and basically every guy she ran into whether it was the hot guy at school or the creepy old guy at the movie theater kept saying hi to her. Except as the commercial progressed the people saying hi got creepier and asked things like "What underwear are you wearing today." The message at the end though was simply that you should be careful of what you post online. Interesting.
Lastly and I think I've already posted about this before but basically there is this one bowel cleansing commercial where this dude with creepy eyebrows talks about how much bad stuff we breathe in and eat. They show a really weird picture of what is allegedly a "colon discharge" following a cleanse. It was a big green blob. Disgusting.
Thanks Late night tv.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Ultimate 80's Comedy Starring Me
The movie would be called Wave Racer. I would be a a kid from California that moves to a town of approximately 14,000 in Michigan. The town would be primarily blue collar factory type workers and I would be the outsider surfer dude. My parents would have just divorced and now I'm moving back to Michigan to live with my mom (where she is originally from). The opening scene would have the song Surfin' USA playing ironically as I am on the airplane with my walkman blasting as you see a brief montage of me on the plane. When the plane lands I look out the window and see snow. I react with a stunned look as I am in board shorts and a Hawaiian t-shirt. I greet my mother at the gate and she immediately tells me how I'll love it here and how its not that bad and how I'll make all new friends. (This also sets up the subsequent sequel where I am back in California and the girlfriend I met back in Michigan comes to visit me and she is now the fish out of water.)
The first day of school I step out of my moms rusty car and after she wishes me a good first day and drives off I get in the face with a snowball while a group of tough looking dudes in stupid looking school jackets laugh and tell me if I'm going to go to the beach and cry about it.
I will be greeted immediately be an awkward but endearing guy and a bookish but cute girl who is to shy to really say anything to me but she is wearing overalls that are 3 sizes too big and a pink dayglow shirt underneath them.
I will fill in more details later but there is definitely going to be a montage set to the Cutting Crew - I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight, in which I'm very angry and sad and there has to be a key scene where the camera is juxtaposed over my shoulder in my bedroom as I stare longinly at a poster of a palm tree. There will also be the triumphant end scene at a party where I stun the local bullies who tormented me the entire movie when a above ground swimming pool breaks and I surf the wave that is created while simultaneously knocking the main bully and his henchmen to the ground.
The first day of school I step out of my moms rusty car and after she wishes me a good first day and drives off I get in the face with a snowball while a group of tough looking dudes in stupid looking school jackets laugh and tell me if I'm going to go to the beach and cry about it.
I will be greeted immediately be an awkward but endearing guy and a bookish but cute girl who is to shy to really say anything to me but she is wearing overalls that are 3 sizes too big and a pink dayglow shirt underneath them.
I will fill in more details later but there is definitely going to be a montage set to the Cutting Crew - I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight, in which I'm very angry and sad and there has to be a key scene where the camera is juxtaposed over my shoulder in my bedroom as I stare longinly at a poster of a palm tree. There will also be the triumphant end scene at a party where I stun the local bullies who tormented me the entire movie when a above ground swimming pool breaks and I surf the wave that is created while simultaneously knocking the main bully and his henchmen to the ground.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Not In Defense of Stupidity
Let me be clear. I am a pretty normal guy who believes in certain things and sometimes these things are worth fighting for...protesting and all that fun. That said I find out today that the 21 month (Yes, Month) standoff at Berkeley ended. The standoff was over the plan to cut down multiple redwood trees on campus to make way for a new athletic center.
I'm not going to get into the protest itself but rather that these people were up there for 21 months. They are either extremely well off or...well homeless or something. I mean if I could just hang out for 21 months I definitely would. 21 fucking months of doing nothing but sitting in a fucking tree? Where can I sign up?! Or better yet I'll do a sit in at a bedroom...even if it means urinating and defecating in a bucket that I empty from a 7th floor bedroom I can stay isolated that long if I'm drawing in money/donations.
I guess I do have one bone to pick with the protestors. Evidently they were against the building of this new athletic center and cited the fact that this building would sit on the Hayward fault line and is therefore dangerous. I have some news for you...all of California is sitting on various fault lines and it is inherently dangerous to live in and around California. The good news is that at least one of the "mature redwoods" is being relocated.
Edit/Update: Upon further investigation and checking the L.A. Times, I've found out that at times tree sitters rotated. One of the tree sitters who was up for 7 months calls herself "Dumpster Muffin." Right.
I'm not going to get into the protest itself but rather that these people were up there for 21 months. They are either extremely well off or...well homeless or something. I mean if I could just hang out for 21 months I definitely would. 21 fucking months of doing nothing but sitting in a fucking tree? Where can I sign up?! Or better yet I'll do a sit in at a bedroom...even if it means urinating and defecating in a bucket that I empty from a 7th floor bedroom I can stay isolated that long if I'm drawing in money/donations.
I guess I do have one bone to pick with the protestors. Evidently they were against the building of this new athletic center and cited the fact that this building would sit on the Hayward fault line and is therefore dangerous. I have some news for you...all of California is sitting on various fault lines and it is inherently dangerous to live in and around California. The good news is that at least one of the "mature redwoods" is being relocated.
Edit/Update: Upon further investigation and checking the L.A. Times, I've found out that at times tree sitters rotated. One of the tree sitters who was up for 7 months calls herself "Dumpster Muffin." Right.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
In Defense of Stupidity
The Vikings lost against the Packers early tonight/yesterday and boy did it ruin my day. With that in mind I move on to more pressing issues.
So evidently the Thai Prime Minister Samak Sundaravej has been ordered to resign after being found guilty of violating the constitution after he went on a cooking show. How embarrassing is that? I just found that funny.
The real meat of this post though involves the folks at Forbes. Forbes is currently in extremely dubious standing with me right now as they rank the University of Minnesota as the 524th best college in America out of 569. That's right folks...Millsaps College is 400 spots better! Besides the dubious ranking methods I am incredulous as why my degree is worth so little. That said I really wanted to talk about the Forbes ranking of Best Cities for Singles.
They came out with a new list and Minneapolis is tied at 3rd with Dallas for best cities for singles. I would argue that there is no "best city" for singles because when you're single you are going to feel like shit and if you are dating someone you can live in Butte, Montana or New York, New York and you'll feel good about yourself. It is definitely worth noting that they list Atlanta as the number one city to be single in which in itself should be a warning sign.
Insert self-deprecating joke about being single in the number 3 city.
So evidently the Thai Prime Minister Samak Sundaravej has been ordered to resign after being found guilty of violating the constitution after he went on a cooking show. How embarrassing is that? I just found that funny.
The real meat of this post though involves the folks at Forbes. Forbes is currently in extremely dubious standing with me right now as they rank the University of Minnesota as the 524th best college in America out of 569. That's right folks...Millsaps College is 400 spots better! Besides the dubious ranking methods I am incredulous as why my degree is worth so little. That said I really wanted to talk about the Forbes ranking of Best Cities for Singles.
They came out with a new list and Minneapolis is tied at 3rd with Dallas for best cities for singles. I would argue that there is no "best city" for singles because when you're single you are going to feel like shit and if you are dating someone you can live in Butte, Montana or New York, New York and you'll feel good about yourself. It is definitely worth noting that they list Atlanta as the number one city to be single in which in itself should be a warning sign.
Insert self-deprecating joke about being single in the number 3 city.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
A Short History of Torture - The Minnesota Vikings
It is almost football season which means one thing. The eventual heart wrenching end to another Vikings season. Here is a short list of hilarious incidents in Vikings history.
*Vikings vs. Cardinals, Dec. 28, 2003 - Needing a victory to make the playoffs the mighty Arizona Cardinals with their 3-12 record manage to defeat the Vikings on a last second play to dash the Vikings hopes. The Cardinals on that last play were in a 4th & 25 situation.
*Vikings vs. 49ers, Oct. 25, 1964 - Jim Marshall runs the wrong way and instead of scoring a touchdown ends up giving the 49ers 2 points. The Vikings win the game, but this highlight will be included in every "Wildest Plays" countdown for the rest of eternity.
*Vikings vs. Falcons, Dec. 1, 2002 - In another highlight reel video, [[Michael Vick]] defeats the Vikings in overtime as he scrambles causing two Viking players to collide.
*Vikings vs. Cowboys, Jan. 3, 1983 - In another highlight reel video that goes down in history, [[Tony Dorsett]] runs a 99 yard touchdown. This is the longest run from scrimmage in NFL history. He does this even though the Cowboys have only 10 players on the field at the time.
*Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers/Antonio Freeman, Nov. 6, 2000 - Another highlight play to go down in history. In overtime (Wow this happens a lot!) a pass is deflected by a Vikings defender...it hits off of Freeman's shoulder, rolls up in the air and into his hands. Another clip of shame is added to the Minnesota Vikings long list.
*Vikings vs. Cowboys, Dec. 28, 1975 - Have you ever wondered where the term for a last second desperation bomb known as a "Hail Mary" came from? Well it came from Roger Staubach refers to his pass as a hail mary in postgame interviews...following of course a last second long bomb that defeats the Vikings in the playoffs. Worth noting is that [[Fran Tarkenton]]'s father who was watching the game died of a heart attack during the 3rd quarter. Even more, the reason the Cowboys were able to complete this Hail Mary pass is because the Dallas receiver Drew Pearson pushes down the Vikings defender and no penalty is called. The Cowboys are cheaters.
*Vikings vs. Falcons, Jan. 17, 1999 - Vikings with a league best 15-1 record and an amazing offensive core come into the NFC Championship game with high hopes. Many feel they are the odds on favorites to win the Superbowl. [[Gary Anderson]] manages to miss a fieldgoal...something he didn't do all season. I think we all know what happened.
*Vikings vs. Redskins, Jan. 17, 1988 - NFC Division Championship. (Jan. 17 hates the Vikings) Trailing 17-10, the Vikings drove to the Redskins' six yard line with a little over a minute left in the game but failed to get the ball into the end zone. Darren Nelson dropped a pass from Wade Wilson at the goal line to officially end the Vikings' hopes of a Super Bowl. (Thanks Wikipedia!)
*Vikings vs. Giants, Jan. 14, 2001 - Vikings come into this game feeling confident. With a 11-5 season record and a strong game against the Saints in the previous playoff game the Vikings are once again considered a legitimate contender for a Super Bowl ring. In the conference championship game they decide to show what they're really made of by letting the Giants rape the Vikings 41-0. They make [[Jason Sehorn]] look like [[Deion Sanders]] era 1995.
*Vikings vs. St. Louis Rams, Jan. 16, 2000 - The Vikings were coming into this Divisional Playoff game fresh off a victory over the Cowboys. After last seasons loss to the Falcons which put most of the state on suicide watch, the Vikings found themselves back in the playoffs with the nucleus of the 15-1 team still intact. While the Vikings certainly put up a fight in this game, they ended up being overmatched and lost 49-37. In other news, [[Jeff George]] was the goddamn QB.
*Vikings vs. Tragedy Aug. 1, 2001 - [[Korey Stringer]] tragically dies in training camp.
*Vikings vs. Superbowl - What you need to know is the Vikings have been to four Super Bowls and won none. 1970, 1974, 1975, and 1977. See also Trophy Case.
*Vikings vs. Sexboat Oct. 2005 - Alright, this is actually pretty funny.
*Vikings vs. Herschel Walker - The Largest Trade in NFL history. The Vikings got Herschel Walker. The Cowboys got 3 Super Bowls.
*Vikings vs. Randy Moss - Raiders got Randy Moss. Vikings got Napolean Harris and some guy who couldn't catch shit.
*Vikings vs. Jim Mcmahon - We actually let him be a QB on this team...along with half the NFL.
*Vikings vs. (Reserved For Future Torture)
*Vikings vs. Cardinals, Dec. 28, 2003 - Needing a victory to make the playoffs the mighty Arizona Cardinals with their 3-12 record manage to defeat the Vikings on a last second play to dash the Vikings hopes. The Cardinals on that last play were in a 4th & 25 situation.
*Vikings vs. 49ers, Oct. 25, 1964 - Jim Marshall runs the wrong way and instead of scoring a touchdown ends up giving the 49ers 2 points. The Vikings win the game, but this highlight will be included in every "Wildest Plays" countdown for the rest of eternity.
*Vikings vs. Falcons, Dec. 1, 2002 - In another highlight reel video, [[Michael Vick]] defeats the Vikings in overtime as he scrambles causing two Viking players to collide.
*Vikings vs. Cowboys, Jan. 3, 1983 - In another highlight reel video that goes down in history, [[Tony Dorsett]] runs a 99 yard touchdown. This is the longest run from scrimmage in NFL history. He does this even though the Cowboys have only 10 players on the field at the time.
*Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers/Antonio Freeman, Nov. 6, 2000 - Another highlight play to go down in history. In overtime (Wow this happens a lot!) a pass is deflected by a Vikings defender...it hits off of Freeman's shoulder, rolls up in the air and into his hands. Another clip of shame is added to the Minnesota Vikings long list.
*Vikings vs. Cowboys, Dec. 28, 1975 - Have you ever wondered where the term for a last second desperation bomb known as a "Hail Mary" came from? Well it came from Roger Staubach refers to his pass as a hail mary in postgame interviews...following of course a last second long bomb that defeats the Vikings in the playoffs. Worth noting is that [[Fran Tarkenton]]'s father who was watching the game died of a heart attack during the 3rd quarter. Even more, the reason the Cowboys were able to complete this Hail Mary pass is because the Dallas receiver Drew Pearson pushes down the Vikings defender and no penalty is called. The Cowboys are cheaters.
*Vikings vs. Falcons, Jan. 17, 1999 - Vikings with a league best 15-1 record and an amazing offensive core come into the NFC Championship game with high hopes. Many feel they are the odds on favorites to win the Superbowl. [[Gary Anderson]] manages to miss a fieldgoal...something he didn't do all season. I think we all know what happened.
*Vikings vs. Redskins, Jan. 17, 1988 - NFC Division Championship. (Jan. 17 hates the Vikings) Trailing 17-10, the Vikings drove to the Redskins' six yard line with a little over a minute left in the game but failed to get the ball into the end zone. Darren Nelson dropped a pass from Wade Wilson at the goal line to officially end the Vikings' hopes of a Super Bowl. (Thanks Wikipedia!)
*Vikings vs. Giants, Jan. 14, 2001 - Vikings come into this game feeling confident. With a 11-5 season record and a strong game against the Saints in the previous playoff game the Vikings are once again considered a legitimate contender for a Super Bowl ring. In the conference championship game they decide to show what they're really made of by letting the Giants rape the Vikings 41-0. They make [[Jason Sehorn]] look like [[Deion Sanders]] era 1995.
*Vikings vs. St. Louis Rams, Jan. 16, 2000 - The Vikings were coming into this Divisional Playoff game fresh off a victory over the Cowboys. After last seasons loss to the Falcons which put most of the state on suicide watch, the Vikings found themselves back in the playoffs with the nucleus of the 15-1 team still intact. While the Vikings certainly put up a fight in this game, they ended up being overmatched and lost 49-37. In other news, [[Jeff George]] was the goddamn QB.
*Vikings vs. Tragedy Aug. 1, 2001 - [[Korey Stringer]] tragically dies in training camp.
*Vikings vs. Superbowl - What you need to know is the Vikings have been to four Super Bowls and won none. 1970, 1974, 1975, and 1977. See also Trophy Case.
*Vikings vs. Sexboat Oct. 2005 - Alright, this is actually pretty funny.
*Vikings vs. Herschel Walker - The Largest Trade in NFL history. The Vikings got Herschel Walker. The Cowboys got 3 Super Bowls.
*Vikings vs. Randy Moss - Raiders got Randy Moss. Vikings got Napolean Harris and some guy who couldn't catch shit.
*Vikings vs. Jim Mcmahon - We actually let him be a QB on this team...along with half the NFL.
*Vikings vs. (Reserved For Future Torture)
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Remember That Old Commercial?
I measure my life in reflecting on moments I saw on television. Pretty awesome way to live. Though I'm glad this classic Folger's commercial still gets played.
This just reminded me of that Fruity Pebbles christmas commercial. Please watch this and we will discuss.
So Barney decides to dress up as Santa to try to get some Fruity Pebbles...but the real Santa has already shown up in Bedrock and Fred gave him a bowl. Not only is Barney impersonating Santa on Christmas Eve (which by the way is a big fucking deal when you're doing this to actively deceive your close friend just so you can eat his food), but Barney is too late and Santa already has his food...yet Barney still gets indignant!
Note Fred's disgust as he says, "YOUR PEBBLES?!?" Yet Santa quickly resolves this tense situation by remind him that, "Tis the season to be sharing Fred." Sorry but no. Breaking and entering, trying to deceive a friend, treating Santa like shit, and finally getting to eat Fred's pebbles anyways?! FUCK YOU BARNEY.
This just reminded me of that Fruity Pebbles christmas commercial. Please watch this and we will discuss.
So Barney decides to dress up as Santa to try to get some Fruity Pebbles...but the real Santa has already shown up in Bedrock and Fred gave him a bowl. Not only is Barney impersonating Santa on Christmas Eve (which by the way is a big fucking deal when you're doing this to actively deceive your close friend just so you can eat his food), but Barney is too late and Santa already has his food...yet Barney still gets indignant!
Note Fred's disgust as he says, "YOUR PEBBLES?!?" Yet Santa quickly resolves this tense situation by remind him that, "Tis the season to be sharing Fred." Sorry but no. Breaking and entering, trying to deceive a friend, treating Santa like shit, and finally getting to eat Fred's pebbles anyways?! FUCK YOU BARNEY.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Shoop
In honor of Salt-N-Pepa (Shout Out to Spinderella as well) I titled this post Shoop.
Moving along, has anyone else known a growing trend in the world of manliness? Since the early 2000's I've noticed that manliness has been increasingly commoditized. From all those new Old Spice commercials that promise to grow more chest hair, to AXE and all those other shitty body sprays, to TNN turning themselves into Spike TV and airing way more shitty "male targeted" programming the trend is clearly there.
That said, its pretty clear this trend is also stupid. When done correctly and or ironically (usually a mixture of both) it can lead to really fucking awesome results. Surviorman and Man Vs. Wild are amazing television shows and it doesn't get any more manly than eating a rabbit you just skinned yourselves. And before all four of my readers get upset and say, "But Scott Bear Grylls is a fake and stayed in a hotel and he" I will cut you off and slap you in the face and call you ugly. I don't care. He has climbed Mount Everest and is named Bear!!!
Poor examples of manliness include the fact that polos are now really fucking lame and anyone who genuinely wears a popped collar without a sense of irony is now stupid and this also extends to the use of the word BRO being used 100 percent genuine as well.
What I propose is a healthy medium where manly accomplishments will be celebrated. Man Laws was a genuinely awesome set of commercials for beer. But don't go overboard and enter a realm of vapid douche.
P.S. Still looking for a moving partner to Los Angeles!
Moving along, has anyone else known a growing trend in the world of manliness? Since the early 2000's I've noticed that manliness has been increasingly commoditized. From all those new Old Spice commercials that promise to grow more chest hair, to AXE and all those other shitty body sprays, to TNN turning themselves into Spike TV and airing way more shitty "male targeted" programming the trend is clearly there.
That said, its pretty clear this trend is also stupid. When done correctly and or ironically (usually a mixture of both) it can lead to really fucking awesome results. Surviorman and Man Vs. Wild are amazing television shows and it doesn't get any more manly than eating a rabbit you just skinned yourselves. And before all four of my readers get upset and say, "But Scott Bear Grylls is a fake and stayed in a hotel and he" I will cut you off and slap you in the face and call you ugly. I don't care. He has climbed Mount Everest and is named Bear!!!
Poor examples of manliness include the fact that polos are now really fucking lame and anyone who genuinely wears a popped collar without a sense of irony is now stupid and this also extends to the use of the word BRO being used 100 percent genuine as well.
What I propose is a healthy medium where manly accomplishments will be celebrated. Man Laws was a genuinely awesome set of commercials for beer. But don't go overboard and enter a realm of vapid douche.
P.S. Still looking for a moving partner to Los Angeles!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
The Hoverboard
Obviously one of the most important films of the last 100 years was Back to the Future Part II. One of the most exciting parts about this follow up to the smash hit Back to the Future was the entire hoverboard chase sequence. One thing that has always bothered me though was at the point where Marty in an attempt to escape Griff and his futuristic goons is riding behind a hover jeep. Griff swings at him with his bat and Marty ducks only to fly over a car and into the pond area in front of the new 2015 clock tower. Marty comes to a halt just feet from dry land. Griff and his goons taunt him stating that,
"Hey McFly, you bozo! Hoverboards don't work on water...unless you got POWER!! HAHAHAHHA!"
This is what bothers me. What makes hoverboards not work on water? In the scenes leading up to this we see that Marty and those chasing him are merely pushing their feet over the air in a style similar to a skateboard except NO contact is made with the ground. They are all pushing on air. So why cannot hover boards work on water at all? They clearly maintain the ability to hover. Marty can even be seen dipping his feet in the water attempting to push. There is no reason he shouldn't be able to move forward at least a little bit!!!
Other things that bother me in this sequence include the fact that Griff and his gang is charging at Marty and as Griff yells, "Batter UP!!!" as he is flying on a rocket powered hoverboard no one in the town seems to care. There is a clear shot of a police officer in the background on the clocktower steps actually turning away from the ensuing mayhem!! Griff is about to assault a man with a weapon and no one cares!! I also am not clear though why his goons "strapped" themselves onto Griffs Pit Bull since they could do nothing. Even more bizarre is the next event that happens in this sequence. Griff misses his swing and then they go flying off into glass front of the Clock Tower building. What exactly were they planning on doing if they actually did hit him? I don't think they'd have come to a instant stop either.
Finally the sequence ends with Griff and Goons getting arrested by Hill Valley police and Marty just swims away. No cops come to get a statement from him. Not only that but somehow Griffs Pit Bull hoverboard has magically fallen into the hands of the little girl that Marty took the Mattel hoverboard from. Even more insane is the fact that the USA TODAY evidently deems Hill Valley crime issues front page news!
In conclusion, Back to the Future Part II is awesome.
"Hey McFly, you bozo! Hoverboards don't work on water...unless you got POWER!! HAHAHAHHA!"
This is what bothers me. What makes hoverboards not work on water? In the scenes leading up to this we see that Marty and those chasing him are merely pushing their feet over the air in a style similar to a skateboard except NO contact is made with the ground. They are all pushing on air. So why cannot hover boards work on water at all? They clearly maintain the ability to hover. Marty can even be seen dipping his feet in the water attempting to push. There is no reason he shouldn't be able to move forward at least a little bit!!!
Other things that bother me in this sequence include the fact that Griff and his gang is charging at Marty and as Griff yells, "Batter UP!!!" as he is flying on a rocket powered hoverboard no one in the town seems to care. There is a clear shot of a police officer in the background on the clocktower steps actually turning away from the ensuing mayhem!! Griff is about to assault a man with a weapon and no one cares!! I also am not clear though why his goons "strapped" themselves onto Griffs Pit Bull since they could do nothing. Even more bizarre is the next event that happens in this sequence. Griff misses his swing and then they go flying off into glass front of the Clock Tower building. What exactly were they planning on doing if they actually did hit him? I don't think they'd have come to a instant stop either.
Finally the sequence ends with Griff and Goons getting arrested by Hill Valley police and Marty just swims away. No cops come to get a statement from him. Not only that but somehow Griffs Pit Bull hoverboard has magically fallen into the hands of the little girl that Marty took the Mattel hoverboard from. Even more insane is the fact that the USA TODAY evidently deems Hill Valley crime issues front page news!
In conclusion, Back to the Future Part II is awesome.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Kind of Want Winter
I secretly enjoy winter. The thought is pretty absurd but I don't like to sweat and as fate would have it, I tend to sweat. The bigger point here is that winter in Minnesota is secretly hated but even more insidiously loved. Its the typical passive aggressive nature of someone from Minnesota to proclaim to someone from California that negative 15 isn't that cold. Then you talk up some story about how it snowed 2 feet and you almost froze to death when your car stalled and you act tough.
But when January rolls around and the Mississippi river has frozen over you realize you fucking hate winter, you hate cold, and you certainly hate snow. As time moves on though you realize its nearing September and you want winter again. You want ice and all that other crap. The cycle renews once more. I guess I can wait until after the state fair but it would be nice to have some snow and go skating (ice).
That said I can't have this entire post be about waxing nostalgically for the snow. So I bring this forth...remember in Die Hard 2 when Bruce Willis stabs that guy in the eye with the icicle?! Probably one of the craziest deaths in movie history. Well...not craziest, but it was pretty crazy.
But when January rolls around and the Mississippi river has frozen over you realize you fucking hate winter, you hate cold, and you certainly hate snow. As time moves on though you realize its nearing September and you want winter again. You want ice and all that other crap. The cycle renews once more. I guess I can wait until after the state fair but it would be nice to have some snow and go skating (ice).
That said I can't have this entire post be about waxing nostalgically for the snow. So I bring this forth...remember in Die Hard 2 when Bruce Willis stabs that guy in the eye with the icicle?! Probably one of the craziest deaths in movie history. Well...not craziest, but it was pretty crazy.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
NEWS ALERT
I'm breaking my rule of not posting more than twice a day because...well this is important.
The State Fair is coming soon so I'm fasting right now. Believe you me when this 'mutha' hits like a ton of bricks all over this states face, I'm going to be there and eating everything. You should expect full reports on both food quality, awesomeness, and expect pics.
The State Fair is coming soon so I'm fasting right now. Believe you me when this 'mutha' hits like a ton of bricks all over this states face, I'm going to be there and eating everything. You should expect full reports on both food quality, awesomeness, and expect pics.
I Think I Have An Idea
The website Gawker has a little thing they do called "The Gawker Stalker" in which people in New York can report their latest celebrity sightings. They go something like this:
Just saw Kato Kaelin on Broadway and Howard St. Was wearing a long black trenchcoat and feathery pimp hat. I was wondering where OJ was?!
The only difference is that instead of Kato Kaeilin we'd be talking about a real celebrity. Now my idea is how about a totally shitty worthless version of Gawker Stalker in the Twin Cities? And instead of celebrities we just follow me around? Yeah!! Okay that was fucking stupid but it allows me to get to my next point.
My complete and utter hatred of US Weekly. Of course there is the paradox and tinge of irony as I point out that by acknowledging US weekly and also by admitting I have looked in it, I am only giving this evil beast more power, but I must once again (pretty sure I've talked about this mutliple times) point out the completely stupid and unessacary "CELEBRITIES THEY ARE JUST LIKE US" segment in every magazine. This is where they should celebrities doing things that are either completely fucking obvious in that they are just like us such as (and these are real examples here):
They shop for cheese! Eva Longoria filled her grocery cart with hot sauce and beans at...blah blah.
HOLY SHIT SHE SHOPS FOR CHEESE!!! NOW I CAN RELATE TO HER!!
On the other hand there are moments where they are not so much like us:
THEY PACK THEIR OWN TRUNK!! Uma Thurman shops til she drops at the Prada store in New York City's SoHo neighborhood, packing her goodies into a yellow cab July 26.
That is identical to my typical day...except I don't shop at prada. I can't even afford a taxi ride. I also don't live in New York, nor do I get to pack any sort of goodies anywhere. So I guess I am just like Uma Thurman minus the beauty, the breasts, the money, the fame, and the ability to live in a very expensive city and shop for top shelf name brand products.
I think the real take away from this entire tirade though is that you now can all laugh at me because you know I have looked at US Weekly more than once.
Just saw Kato Kaelin on Broadway and Howard St. Was wearing a long black trenchcoat and feathery pimp hat. I was wondering where OJ was?!
The only difference is that instead of Kato Kaeilin we'd be talking about a real celebrity. Now my idea is how about a totally shitty worthless version of Gawker Stalker in the Twin Cities? And instead of celebrities we just follow me around? Yeah!! Okay that was fucking stupid but it allows me to get to my next point.
My complete and utter hatred of US Weekly. Of course there is the paradox and tinge of irony as I point out that by acknowledging US weekly and also by admitting I have looked in it, I am only giving this evil beast more power, but I must once again (pretty sure I've talked about this mutliple times) point out the completely stupid and unessacary "CELEBRITIES THEY ARE JUST LIKE US" segment in every magazine. This is where they should celebrities doing things that are either completely fucking obvious in that they are just like us such as (and these are real examples here):
They shop for cheese! Eva Longoria filled her grocery cart with hot sauce and beans at...blah blah.
HOLY SHIT SHE SHOPS FOR CHEESE!!! NOW I CAN RELATE TO HER!!
On the other hand there are moments where they are not so much like us:
THEY PACK THEIR OWN TRUNK!! Uma Thurman shops til she drops at the Prada store in New York City's SoHo neighborhood, packing her goodies into a yellow cab July 26.
That is identical to my typical day...except I don't shop at prada. I can't even afford a taxi ride. I also don't live in New York, nor do I get to pack any sort of goodies anywhere. So I guess I am just like Uma Thurman minus the beauty, the breasts, the money, the fame, and the ability to live in a very expensive city and shop for top shelf name brand products.
I think the real take away from this entire tirade though is that you now can all laugh at me because you know I have looked at US Weekly more than once.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Never let me slip, Cause if I slip, Then I'm slippin
Anyone feel like moving to California now? Please respond if you do. I can offer a very cheap place to stay, great location, no more winters.
To put things mildly, I'm a bit miffed at how this summer has played out. I have yet to travel like I wanted to. I'm still poor as hell. I'm still technically homeless. I suck in general. Also the Minnesota Wild are pretty much fucking up their roster beyond belief and this next years season will be painful to watch...I predict that much anyways.
Olympics are overblown. Still watching basketball though. Redeem Team A+++.
Good news is the State Fair is rolling around. I'm ready for amazing corn on the cob, deep fried everything, and lots of stuff on a stick.
To put things mildly, I'm a bit miffed at how this summer has played out. I have yet to travel like I wanted to. I'm still poor as hell. I'm still technically homeless. I suck in general. Also the Minnesota Wild are pretty much fucking up their roster beyond belief and this next years season will be painful to watch...I predict that much anyways.
Olympics are overblown. Still watching basketball though. Redeem Team A+++.
Good news is the State Fair is rolling around. I'm ready for amazing corn on the cob, deep fried everything, and lots of stuff on a stick.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Really Bad Movie I Don't Even Ironically Like
Krippendorf's Tribe a film that has Richard Dreyfuss in it. This is the best quality image I could find of the poster but needless to say it has Richard Dreyfuss in 'goofy' garb and he is holding Jenna Elfman over his head on a spear. I'm not going to bother with some sort of critical analysis...but rather say, avoid this movie at all costs.
Which brings me to my next point that is totally unrelated....REMEMBER WEB RINGS? They were always on the bottoms of peoples really shitty geocities websites where you could click to the next to find another website dedicated to the videogame Goldeneye or the movie Tron. Its kind of funny if you think about it because I don't ever remember clicking through on those...in fact I largely ignored them. That said, I miss them just as I miss the area51 extension on a geocities site. God Bless The Internet.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Flavorwave Oven Turbo
So I'm currently watching an infomercial about the Flavorwave Oven Turbo. So its some magical oven that promises juicier and tastier food. The product itself is irrelevant. The exciting part is that Mr. T is hosting this informercial with some random washed up actress woman. I'm not joking when I say the "acting" in this informercial is shameful. I almost feel embarrassed for Mr. T and the random (named Darla) woman who is in it. I watch a lot of late night television so I've seen my share of informercials and I have to say this is honestly one of the worst acted ones I've seen. Mr. T and his pathetic attempts at acting incredulous over how good the food is are kind of funny. Goddamnit Mr. T. I want to remember you as Clubber Lang, the badass dude who beat up Rocky.
Also, they literally go out of their way to say "Mr. T" as much as possible. A fake exchange of dialouge goes literally like this.
I'm going to make some delicious fried chicken and french fries without any oil Mr. T. How am I going to do that without oil you ask Mr. T? Well I'll tell you Mr. T. Because of the Flavorwave Turbo's amazing technology I can make delicious food without oil Mr. T. Try this Mr. T. It tastes good, doesn't it Mr. T? Mr. T T T T T T T!
Also, they literally go out of their way to say "Mr. T" as much as possible. A fake exchange of dialouge goes literally like this.
I'm going to make some delicious fried chicken and french fries without any oil Mr. T. How am I going to do that without oil you ask Mr. T? Well I'll tell you Mr. T. Because of the Flavorwave Turbo's amazing technology I can make delicious food without oil Mr. T. Try this Mr. T. It tastes good, doesn't it Mr. T? Mr. T T T T T T T!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
ELMO IN YOUR FACE
Lets all remember that Tickle Me Elmo pretty much tore the holidays a new one back in 1996. The thing caused riots in shopping malls and retail outlets across America. My favorite Tickle Me Elmo revelation was back when the "new" version was coming out. Dubbed TMX (Tickle Me Extreme?) this Elmo would not only laugh, but convulse on the ground like a seizuring red fluff ball. But all that has simply been a long build up for a newly unveiled Elmo. Elmo LIVE as he is known goes "live" in October. Here is hoping this isn't some sort of Skynet esque initiative.
Bonus Elmo Footage: CLICK HERE FOR ELMO ON FIRE
Bonus Elmo Footage: CLICK HERE FOR ELMO ON FIRE
Is There Gold in the Hills?
Who wants to move to California with me? I offer a great home location (Brentwood, California...the Santa Monica one), low rent, and great company. Close to the beach...and right next to a place that has awesome chicken.
Anyways though, I think Rocky Rococo's has fallen off. By that I mean they have given up on their awesome advertising campaigns of yesteryear. Not since the awesome "CRUSTIN TIMBERBAKE; BRINGING CHEESY BACK" have I seen an awesome advertisement inside Rocky's. On the otherhand, Rocky Rococo has his own myspace. AWESOME.
Last note. Pineapple Express is good, but not great. I was always a firm believer that James Franco was the best character but under realized in Freaks & Geeks.
Anyways though, I think Rocky Rococo's has fallen off. By that I mean they have given up on their awesome advertising campaigns of yesteryear. Not since the awesome "CRUSTIN TIMBERBAKE; BRINGING CHEESY BACK" have I seen an awesome advertisement inside Rocky's. On the otherhand, Rocky Rococo has his own myspace. AWESOME.
Last note. Pineapple Express is good, but not great. I was always a firm believer that James Franco was the best character but under realized in Freaks & Geeks.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Canadian PSA's
These have been around for a while, but for those who haven't seen them...get ready to be freaked out.
Like It Says
Like the namesake of this blog, I'm still fucking awake. Its 4am and I've got four hours to go before I'm off work. Pretty fucking lame if you ask me. Anyways I've realized I've stepped away from my bread and butter of blog posts, instead opting for something a little less centralized and focused. So its time to go back to what I love most. Popular culture, consuming it, complaining about it, but ultimately consuming more of it.
Let me first start by complaining about something that is only sort of related to pop culture. I hate when people put "THE" in front of something. So for example, the latest comedy that I want to see is called Pineapple Express. In this hypothetical situation person X would say to me, "Lets go see The Pineapple Express." Or say hypothetical person X says yeah I love the band The Muse....even though the band is simply Muse. This is kind of a weird thing too because there are bands and movies that really this never happens to. No one is ever going to say, "Hey man, I really love this band, they're call The Radiohead." Nor will someone say, "Let's go see that new movie, The Star Wars."
Of course this trivial complain is quite anal retentive and exposes me as a bigger nerd who likes to nitpick things. That said it is something that on occasion really does bother me. Which leads me to my next point.
MOVIES THAT I IRRATIONALLY ENJOY DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE NOT REALLY THAT GOOD. FUTURE INSTALLMENTS WILL BEGIN LATER THIS MONTH. SOME TITLES TO LOOK FORWARD TO INCLUDE:
- Under Siege 2: Dark Territory
- Hot Shots! Part Deux
- Broken Arrow (John Woo)
ALSO LOOK FORWARD TO MORE POSTS ABOUT MOVIES I GENUINELY FEEL ARE GOOD. SECRETS WILL BE REVEALED.
Let me first start by complaining about something that is only sort of related to pop culture. I hate when people put "THE" in front of something. So for example, the latest comedy that I want to see is called Pineapple Express. In this hypothetical situation person X would say to me, "Lets go see The Pineapple Express." Or say hypothetical person X says yeah I love the band The Muse....even though the band is simply Muse. This is kind of a weird thing too because there are bands and movies that really this never happens to. No one is ever going to say, "Hey man, I really love this band, they're call The Radiohead." Nor will someone say, "Let's go see that new movie, The Star Wars."
Of course this trivial complain is quite anal retentive and exposes me as a bigger nerd who likes to nitpick things. That said it is something that on occasion really does bother me. Which leads me to my next point.
MOVIES THAT I IRRATIONALLY ENJOY DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE NOT REALLY THAT GOOD. FUTURE INSTALLMENTS WILL BEGIN LATER THIS MONTH. SOME TITLES TO LOOK FORWARD TO INCLUDE:
- Under Siege 2: Dark Territory
- Hot Shots! Part Deux
- Broken Arrow (John Woo)
ALSO LOOK FORWARD TO MORE POSTS ABOUT MOVIES I GENUINELY FEEL ARE GOOD. SECRETS WILL BE REVEALED.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Late Breaking News
We as a nation were all left with a large void in our heart when Krispy Kreme left the state of Minnesota. Where would we get our late night/early morning donut fix? God works in mysterious ways. Dunkin' Donuts has announced their triumphant return to the land of 10,000 lakes. In a few short years Dunkin' Donuts intends on opening over 100 stores state wide. Awesome. A good day for citizens of Minnesota, a good day for donut lovers, a good day for anyone who loves freedom.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Distance Is Relative
I realize I talk a lot about movies and sometimes I wonder if I have dedicated to much of my time and a good chunk of my brain knowing lots about very pointless things. I can tell you stupid amounts of information about the movie Demolition Man but I can't remember anything from my three years of high school spanish classes I took. I can run down various shots, list actors, and wax on philosophically about meaning of some work of pop culture. I must admit though that I am not a huge expert nor a particularly large fan of the huge 'French New Wave' movement of the late 1950's and 60's. I'm too much a fan of poppy no brains entertainment most of the time to give a rats ass about people who are much more attractive than me living supposedly shittier lives, yet getting laid a lot more.
To diverge a lot, today (or yesterday as of a couple hours ago) a funny thing happened. I'm in Familia enjoying the environment. Two young ladies walk in. They are heading towards the jeans. One gets to the pantalones fine. The other a slightly larger lady trips over the slightly raised platform floor and really eats ground hard. I wasn't watching at the time, but I definitely heard it and she smashed on the floor and did not look like she was in the best condition. I wanted to burst out laughing but I managed to hold back laughter. She sauntered off back to her car and never came back in the store while her friend continued to shop. I assume it was from the shame that goes with falling hard in public.
I found myself at the Mall of America as well so briefly I will lament a few things. First off, Lego Land has definitely fallen off. I remember many moons ago Lego Land not only had more stuff and big lego built structures, but I swear to god that Lego Land itself was bigger as far as geographical foot print is concerned. It is true though the Dutch company Lego is not doing as well financially which is too bad.
Secondly, Chipotle has opened in the mall. Awesome!
Thirdly, the fact that the amusement park is no longer called Camp Snoopy is lame. Really lame. I like Snoopy and Charlie Brown more than Sponge Bob and whatever all the other characters are splattered across the place are called. Charles Schulz was the man behind these beloved characters and is a Minnesota landmark so its a shame that the estate of Charles and the MOA couldn't come to an agreement.
Lastly, I need a job. I need health insurance. HOOK IT UP.
To diverge a lot, today (or yesterday as of a couple hours ago) a funny thing happened. I'm in Familia enjoying the environment. Two young ladies walk in. They are heading towards the jeans. One gets to the pantalones fine. The other a slightly larger lady trips over the slightly raised platform floor and really eats ground hard. I wasn't watching at the time, but I definitely heard it and she smashed on the floor and did not look like she was in the best condition. I wanted to burst out laughing but I managed to hold back laughter. She sauntered off back to her car and never came back in the store while her friend continued to shop. I assume it was from the shame that goes with falling hard in public.
I found myself at the Mall of America as well so briefly I will lament a few things. First off, Lego Land has definitely fallen off. I remember many moons ago Lego Land not only had more stuff and big lego built structures, but I swear to god that Lego Land itself was bigger as far as geographical foot print is concerned. It is true though the Dutch company Lego is not doing as well financially which is too bad.
Secondly, Chipotle has opened in the mall. Awesome!
Thirdly, the fact that the amusement park is no longer called Camp Snoopy is lame. Really lame. I like Snoopy and Charlie Brown more than Sponge Bob and whatever all the other characters are splattered across the place are called. Charles Schulz was the man behind these beloved characters and is a Minnesota landmark so its a shame that the estate of Charles and the MOA couldn't come to an agreement.
Lastly, I need a job. I need health insurance. HOOK IT UP.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Dude-o-Rama
Instead of editing my last post, thought I would mention one last thing. Pineapple Express is going to be fucking hilarious so everyone go and see that.
I do have a sneaking suspicion though that Tropic Thunder will not live up to the hype. And while I'm talking about movies one should see, check out the documentaries Harlan County USA, American Dream (both of those are by Barbara Kopple), Hoop Dreams, The King of Kong, and Control Room.
Books to check out: City of Quartz, King Leopold's Ghost, Generation Kill, I Love You Beth Cooper, and the entire Calvin and Hobbes collection.
Drinks to check out: A Mojito (seriously they are pretty good), gin and tonic, and old fashioned cherry coke at Pizza Luce.
I do have a sneaking suspicion though that Tropic Thunder will not live up to the hype. And while I'm talking about movies one should see, check out the documentaries Harlan County USA, American Dream (both of those are by Barbara Kopple), Hoop Dreams, The King of Kong, and Control Room.
Books to check out: City of Quartz, King Leopold's Ghost, Generation Kill, I Love You Beth Cooper, and the entire Calvin and Hobbes collection.
Drinks to check out: A Mojito (seriously they are pretty good), gin and tonic, and old fashioned cherry coke at Pizza Luce.
Trail Blazing for the Sake of Authority
I would make the argument that Wikipedia is one of the more important things to emerge in my short time on this earth. Not only can you learn from it, but you can laugh at it and maybe even cry a bit. Sure the entry for some random Star Wars character is more in depth and better researched and cited than my senior thesis but thats besides the point. The base of knowledge contained in wikipedia is mind blowing.
I do throw around the term "mind blowing" a lot and on occasion I over exaggerate, but I think Wikipedia has earned the status of mind blowing. Other things that are on the mind blowing list.
1. The Dark Knight
2. Diet Mountain Dew
3. My Xbox360
4. Corn on the Cob
5. The Author and Researcher Mike Davis
6. Documentary: Hoop Dreams
7. Love
8. Hate
9. John Hardy's Barbecue
10. Lists of things
You get the point. Which brings me to the next point. Is there much better of a scene than the one with John C. Reilly in the movie Magnolia where he is stumbling and embarrassingly trying to ask out the woman played by Melora Walters? Not only is John C. Reilly turning into one of best type of those supporting characters (think William H. Macy - also note that they have a middle initial which makes them cooler in their screen names) who is in everything and plays a great everyman but who also is definitely capable of being the leading actor. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is another great example (both Macy and Hoffman are in this movie too!). Anyways thanks to the power of youtube (Another internet wonder) we have that scene available. Jump to the five minute mark if you want to see the scene I'm talking about. Painfully awkward but too fucking real and way to reminsicent of times in my life for me to laugh about. That said, I love it.
I do throw around the term "mind blowing" a lot and on occasion I over exaggerate, but I think Wikipedia has earned the status of mind blowing. Other things that are on the mind blowing list.
1. The Dark Knight
2. Diet Mountain Dew
3. My Xbox360
4. Corn on the Cob
5. The Author and Researcher Mike Davis
6. Documentary: Hoop Dreams
7. Love
8. Hate
9. John Hardy's Barbecue
10. Lists of things
You get the point. Which brings me to the next point. Is there much better of a scene than the one with John C. Reilly in the movie Magnolia where he is stumbling and embarrassingly trying to ask out the woman played by Melora Walters? Not only is John C. Reilly turning into one of best type of those supporting characters (think William H. Macy - also note that they have a middle initial which makes them cooler in their screen names) who is in everything and plays a great everyman but who also is definitely capable of being the leading actor. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is another great example (both Macy and Hoffman are in this movie too!). Anyways thanks to the power of youtube (Another internet wonder) we have that scene available. Jump to the five minute mark if you want to see the scene I'm talking about. Painfully awkward but too fucking real and way to reminsicent of times in my life for me to laugh about. That said, I love it.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Hip to Be a Square
There was a wedding this weekend and I was in it. To be blunt, it was rad. Dancing was fun as usual because I have no shame. It was fun to dress up too because I own one tie so getting into a tux was practically insanity. One awesome highlight though was this older guy (grandfather of the bride) who looked particularly hip and awesome wearing some Ray-Ban Wayfarers. I now need to get a pair too because damn were they sharp.
On the downside there is a terrible picture of me up on facebook now where I have to be midsneeze and or death rattle.
Finally I will shoot off some final thoughts on this sordid chapter in my life. Get the fuck over yourselves Minneapolis bike community. I know most of you think you're pretty fucking awesome riding a bike and for whatever reason possessing a holier than thou attitude. I should point out that I myself don't own a car...more of a necessity at this point because I'm poor as hell and rely completely on biking and public transit as of now and have also had my fair share of run ins with shitty drivers and the ignorant public. That said, we have to share the road. So get the huge smug stick out of your fucking asses for two seconds before you get self righteous. You know who you are.
On the downside there is a terrible picture of me up on facebook now where I have to be midsneeze and or death rattle.
Finally I will shoot off some final thoughts on this sordid chapter in my life. Get the fuck over yourselves Minneapolis bike community. I know most of you think you're pretty fucking awesome riding a bike and for whatever reason possessing a holier than thou attitude. I should point out that I myself don't own a car...more of a necessity at this point because I'm poor as hell and rely completely on biking and public transit as of now and have also had my fair share of run ins with shitty drivers and the ignorant public. That said, we have to share the road. So get the huge smug stick out of your fucking asses for two seconds before you get self righteous. You know who you are.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The Dark Knight
Did you know that this movie was really good? Yeah I'm getting very nerdy and obsessive about this movie but it warrants the excitement. Ledger is mind blowing as the Joker, Gary Oldman is fucking solid as usual, Bale is good (although is "batman voice" was getting a bit funny near the end), Eckhart was good too, and well....everyone was good.
In other news the headline to a recent Star Tribune article was this:
Pretty Damn funny if you ask me...because poop is funny.
In other news the headline to a recent Star Tribune article was this:
'Team Diarrhea' helped state crack salmonella case
Pretty Damn funny if you ask me...because poop is funny.
Monday, July 14, 2008
The Guthrie Gives Me Dopeness
So the Minneapolis biking community hates this exhibit. Lots of concerned citizens also hate this exhibit. Protesting of such "corporate art" include spitting on exhibit and swearing at us. Do I care? No. I am simply a wage slave who helped put it together. I also enjoyed the party they threw for the premiere. Free drinks, free food, and free drinks!!
Seriously though, The Guthrie Theater is fucking amazing everytime I go there.
Seriously though, The Guthrie Theater is fucking amazing everytime I go there.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Humor Jokes
What does the world need more of? The Onion...and funny people and laughter.
What does the world need less of? Really stupid shitty people who are not at all funny and think they're smart.
Which one am I? Obviously I'm one of the "funny people."
P.S. The Dark Knight is getting me excited, Blondi Heart of Glass is still a good song, and Space Mutiny is hilarious even without audio.
What does the world need less of? Really stupid shitty people who are not at all funny and think they're smart.
Which one am I? Obviously I'm one of the "funny people."
P.S. The Dark Knight is getting me excited, Blondi Heart of Glass is still a good song, and Space Mutiny is hilarious even without audio.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
A Simple Request
We need more dogs telling us what is cool and what is not. Case in point:
On the other hand, good lord almighty does the brand "Big Dogs" really suck. I mean you usually see some dad who hasn't gotten anything nice from his kids in years wearing one of these shirts while he takes his 3 kids to the beach and its hot as fuck out and all he wants to do is sit at home in his air conditioned computer room but no, his kids demand that they go to the beach and its 97 degrees out and his wife is out with her girlfriends today.
This shirt takes really shitty to an entirely new level though. I took this image right off of the "Big Dogs" homepage. Let us immediately cut to chase and examine the "humor" found on this shirt. Well you can see this is just a shirt that is showing my favorite characters from South Park and....oh wait, no it appears this is actually "SOUTH BARK!!!" Clever. They fixed Kenny...not killed him. The characters are now replaced with dogs as well. I should also point out that the plot device of Kenny always getting killed in episodes of South Park has long since been discontinued which on one hand makes this shirt even stupider, but on the other points out that I'm the type of person who would point such things out, thus making me open to ridicule as well. Moving on to the grand finale there is the words in the bottom right hand corner that say "THIS IS PARODY." I don't know if this is actually printed on the shirt or merely a warning on the website (as it is not made clear) but what is clear is that by printing this they officially assume the worst in the buyer. Would one actually believe that this is somehow actually officially related to South Park?! Would a buyer think, "Wow I didn't realize that the creators of the show South Park are now making a show called South Bark in which all characters are all facsimiles of the original, except now in dog form?!" My answer is no and I hope that anyone who actually owns this shirt either promptly burns it or kills themselves because the shame of owning this shirt would drive me to suicide.
It should also be noted that if a parent were to wear this into an area where the general public could see it while they accompanied a child, they should have to give the child up to social services.
On the other hand, good lord almighty does the brand "Big Dogs" really suck. I mean you usually see some dad who hasn't gotten anything nice from his kids in years wearing one of these shirts while he takes his 3 kids to the beach and its hot as fuck out and all he wants to do is sit at home in his air conditioned computer room but no, his kids demand that they go to the beach and its 97 degrees out and his wife is out with her girlfriends today.
This shirt takes really shitty to an entirely new level though. I took this image right off of the "Big Dogs" homepage. Let us immediately cut to chase and examine the "humor" found on this shirt. Well you can see this is just a shirt that is showing my favorite characters from South Park and....oh wait, no it appears this is actually "SOUTH BARK!!!" Clever. They fixed Kenny...not killed him. The characters are now replaced with dogs as well. I should also point out that the plot device of Kenny always getting killed in episodes of South Park has long since been discontinued which on one hand makes this shirt even stupider, but on the other points out that I'm the type of person who would point such things out, thus making me open to ridicule as well. Moving on to the grand finale there is the words in the bottom right hand corner that say "THIS IS PARODY." I don't know if this is actually printed on the shirt or merely a warning on the website (as it is not made clear) but what is clear is that by printing this they officially assume the worst in the buyer. Would one actually believe that this is somehow actually officially related to South Park?! Would a buyer think, "Wow I didn't realize that the creators of the show South Park are now making a show called South Bark in which all characters are all facsimiles of the original, except now in dog form?!" My answer is no and I hope that anyone who actually owns this shirt either promptly burns it or kills themselves because the shame of owning this shirt would drive me to suicide.
It should also be noted that if a parent were to wear this into an area where the general public could see it while they accompanied a child, they should have to give the child up to social services.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory
I ate a Sonic for the first time. They always broadcast the same Sonic commercials and yet I have never been to one before. I now have. There was a line, which was pretty shitty but I enjoyed my burger. Next time I'm going to get a frozen confection.
ALSO:
ALSO:
Friday, June 27, 2008
The Only Bombs I Drop Are Knowledge Bombs
I hate myself sometimes. I wish I had some sort of personal trainer standing over my shoulder so anytime I was about to eat something really fucking nasty...like Taco Bell or any fucking fast food for that matter, the mega huge personal trainer would be like "If you do that I will punch you in your stomach until you cry." I'd want the type of trainer who was an ex-Navy Seal and could hit me and yet not leave a bruise. I would fear him with all my being. That way I could not be an unhealthy bastard.
Speaking of which, confession time. I promised an EPIC blog post, but I lied. It was going to be about how shitty musicals keep coming out based on subjects that in my opinion should not be musicals...like if the shitty sitcom Friends was made into a musical. But yeah, got too lazy, didn't have the hate in my heart to go on. Sorry.
I'd like to also go on the record and say that flatulence is funny and I am a juvenile bastard when it comes to it. That does not make me lowbrow though.
Speaking of which, confession time. I promised an EPIC blog post, but I lied. It was going to be about how shitty musicals keep coming out based on subjects that in my opinion should not be musicals...like if the shitty sitcom Friends was made into a musical. But yeah, got too lazy, didn't have the hate in my heart to go on. Sorry.
I'd like to also go on the record and say that flatulence is funny and I am a juvenile bastard when it comes to it. That does not make me lowbrow though.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I Was Almost Murdered
I just read a story in the Star-Tribune that a 20 something guy was stabbed to death right near the University of Minnesota & Augsburg campus last night/early in the morning. I'm currently living right near that area and I walked home drunk...an easy murder target. I'm not rattled or anything, but I do have to say, GO AWAY MURDERERS!!!
I don't want to get stabbed....ever!
Also I have a massively awesome blog post coming up critiquing the fall and decline of the modern musical.
I don't want to get stabbed....ever!
Also I have a massively awesome blog post coming up critiquing the fall and decline of the modern musical.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Fear
I lack the courage many times to do the things I should do. I choke up when I should stand up and shout what I think. I'm working on it every day. I want to be better than I am. There is a certain admiration I have for people who are willing to live life a bit more gregariously than myself.
I fear growing a mustache. The stigma is too strong. I am neither a 70s porn star nor am I a officer of the law. Too well groomed and the mustache becomes creepy. Not groomed enough and the untrained hairs give off the signal that simply says "I am a child molester." I don't think it looks good on myself, yet I've never had the balls to actually let it grow for longer than a few days.
I am a man of contempt. Fearless in prose, but quickly succumbing to the fear of societies contempt, wrath, and scorn. The mustached man is the one true hero left in this country of fakers.
I fear growing a mustache. The stigma is too strong. I am neither a 70s porn star nor am I a officer of the law. Too well groomed and the mustache becomes creepy. Not groomed enough and the untrained hairs give off the signal that simply says "I am a child molester." I don't think it looks good on myself, yet I've never had the balls to actually let it grow for longer than a few days.
I am a man of contempt. Fearless in prose, but quickly succumbing to the fear of societies contempt, wrath, and scorn. The mustached man is the one true hero left in this country of fakers.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Post-Mortem
Let me first start by saying that a woman in the security check in line at LAX was wearing a lanyard that said Spice Girls on it. I was reasonably embarrassed to be in the same line as that woman.
Let me also tell you about this fat fucking woman who made the flight very shitty. First of all she was wearing a blue track suit that was very ill fitting. Meaning she was bulging out of it. Secondly as we were boarding the plane she kept blocking the aisle and in general making boarding take longer. Thirdly she just as we were about to take off decides to go to the bathroom so the pilots over the speakers announce we won't be taking off until all passengers are seated. Fourthly she went to the bathroom something like 6 times in the first hour of the flight. Fifthly her fat ass and hips kept bumping into my aisle seat everytime she walked by, thus I was unable to sleep. Sixthly she once when passing by hit me in the head with her hand.
Also she at baggage claim had a suitcase with leopard print....this woman was tacky as fuck. Oh, and she was wearing a green wrist band. I can only assume it was to wipe away the sweat as she climbed a flight of stairs.
I want to fly first class from now on.
Let me also tell you about this fat fucking woman who made the flight very shitty. First of all she was wearing a blue track suit that was very ill fitting. Meaning she was bulging out of it. Secondly as we were boarding the plane she kept blocking the aisle and in general making boarding take longer. Thirdly she just as we were about to take off decides to go to the bathroom so the pilots over the speakers announce we won't be taking off until all passengers are seated. Fourthly she went to the bathroom something like 6 times in the first hour of the flight. Fifthly her fat ass and hips kept bumping into my aisle seat everytime she walked by, thus I was unable to sleep. Sixthly she once when passing by hit me in the head with her hand.
Also she at baggage claim had a suitcase with leopard print....this woman was tacky as fuck. Oh, and she was wearing a green wrist band. I can only assume it was to wipe away the sweat as she climbed a flight of stairs.
I want to fly first class from now on.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
LIVE BLOG YO
I am reporting to you live from LAX international airport. Luckily there happens to be a free wireless hotspot amongst the sea of pay services. First of all I would like to give a huge fuck you to the blond woman who was at the security checkpoint. You were an asshole and annoying an all around cunt to many old people. Although you did smile at me. (SCORE)
Secondly a big fuck you to the fat fucking dude who yelled at some other woman who was in the security checkpoint waiting for her stuff to come through the Xray. I did notice that besides your massive man tits you were wearing sweatpants (lame) and you could not be bothered to nicely ask the woman who by the way couldn't speak a word of english to move so instead you just said "Jesus christ lady get the hell out of the way." You're a fucking fatass dude who I then saw take an elevator as opposed to mounting the one flight of stairs. Good job you.
Thirdly, LAX is such a shitty airport, but at least as of now my flight is still on time (unlike last time I was in LAX) and the carpet doesn't smell like piss. I'm also getting free wireless and there is some sort of cool "Charging station" that I'm typing from right now. If any other mind blowing shit happens, you'll hear about it.
Update 1: 10:38pm Pacific Standard Time - I'm right next to a gate that is servicing some French airliner. I know this because a woman over the loudspeaker was speaking French. Also there is a large amount of good looking well dressed men and women. Not overweight dumpy people who are wearing disneyland shirts and sweatpants.
Update 2 11:03 PST - I swear if I end up having to sit next to this really fat guy who just walked by I will be upset. If this was a cartoon I'm pretty sure he'd have those visible stink lines wafting above his head. Also this stand they have for "Charging" really fucking sucks because the platform you set stuff on is up to about my crotch. I have to either bend over or get on my knees to see the screen (insert sexual joke). Also a huge group of people are running right now to the gate for the flight to France. It reminded me of Home Alone when the family needs to catch the flight. Except way dumber because no one had a Talk Boy with them.
3: 11:10pm PST - Evidently someone is sharing music over iTunes sharing and I have stumbled upon it. User name: Mrs. Mariano.
They have Ace of Base (SCORE!) Boyz II Men (SCORE!!!) Celine Dion (ehhhh) Lots of sermons...I think? Pastor Judah Smith??? They have R. Kelly also, which is funny because he pisses on people.
Secondly a big fuck you to the fat fucking dude who yelled at some other woman who was in the security checkpoint waiting for her stuff to come through the Xray. I did notice that besides your massive man tits you were wearing sweatpants (lame) and you could not be bothered to nicely ask the woman who by the way couldn't speak a word of english to move so instead you just said "Jesus christ lady get the hell out of the way." You're a fucking fatass dude who I then saw take an elevator as opposed to mounting the one flight of stairs. Good job you.
Thirdly, LAX is such a shitty airport, but at least as of now my flight is still on time (unlike last time I was in LAX) and the carpet doesn't smell like piss. I'm also getting free wireless and there is some sort of cool "Charging station" that I'm typing from right now. If any other mind blowing shit happens, you'll hear about it.
Update 1: 10:38pm Pacific Standard Time - I'm right next to a gate that is servicing some French airliner. I know this because a woman over the loudspeaker was speaking French. Also there is a large amount of good looking well dressed men and women. Not overweight dumpy people who are wearing disneyland shirts and sweatpants.
Update 2 11:03 PST - I swear if I end up having to sit next to this really fat guy who just walked by I will be upset. If this was a cartoon I'm pretty sure he'd have those visible stink lines wafting above his head. Also this stand they have for "Charging" really fucking sucks because the platform you set stuff on is up to about my crotch. I have to either bend over or get on my knees to see the screen (insert sexual joke). Also a huge group of people are running right now to the gate for the flight to France. It reminded me of Home Alone when the family needs to catch the flight. Except way dumber because no one had a Talk Boy with them.
3: 11:10pm PST - Evidently someone is sharing music over iTunes sharing and I have stumbled upon it. User name: Mrs. Mariano.
They have Ace of Base (SCORE!) Boyz II Men (SCORE!!!) Celine Dion (ehhhh) Lots of sermons...I think? Pastor Judah Smith??? They have R. Kelly also, which is funny because he pisses on people.
Monday, June 09, 2008
The Revolution Is Here (Will Not Be Broadcast to Pacific Time Zone)
So, I think I'm going to get the new iPhone. It has fucking GPS in it!!! Now when I'm lost I can tell you exactly where I am lost.
It has also come to my attention that K-Mart is now selling abstinence sweatpants. Just let that sink in. Sorry, I cracked a smile. Well evidently in the place where normal sweatpants would say JUICY (this also confuses me) or PINK (I could make another joke) the K Mart sweatpants say True Love Waits. Besides the fact that if you were a girl.......or guy who wore these you'd probably be immediately ostracized from any sort of social groups cool or otherwise, you would also be admitting that you shop at K-Mart. I mean come on, I shop at Target. Target has some nice stuff actually, but admitting you shop at K-Mart, well jesus that is just bad.
I mean when I think of K-Mart I think of the poorly lit, hilariously dungeon esque, frightening K-Mart on Lake Street. You know the one I'm talking about. The one that was actually built to interrupt a major thoroughfare in Minneapolis and in turn segregating a large portion of the Minneapolis population. I've actually been in that one a few times and its fucking depressing. Where as Wal-Mart always has the dirty feel, where even as they are buffing the floors at 2am as you walk in, you just get that vibe yelling at your brain "THIS PLACE SUCKS" imagine that only x1000. This K-mart is really fucking depressing. The people who shop and work there know it too...I think the entire store is actually lit with 3 lightbulbs that were smuggled out of some 3rd World refugee camp to really sell the whole "this place sucks" mood.
Getting back to the topic though...sweatpants that is. Man if I had a daughter there is no way in fuck I would let her wear sweatpants that said anything along the ass except "Stay the fuck out." Also, according to google I guess the whole "PINK" brand is actually coming from Victoria's Secret. Now I don't mind the random commercial with huge breasts and unatainably attractive women but I do oppose the idea that sweatpants should say PINK along the ass. Why not for example, BROWN? Get it...a poop joke.
FIN
It has also come to my attention that K-Mart is now selling abstinence sweatpants. Just let that sink in. Sorry, I cracked a smile. Well evidently in the place where normal sweatpants would say JUICY (this also confuses me) or PINK (I could make another joke) the K Mart sweatpants say True Love Waits. Besides the fact that if you were a girl.......or guy who wore these you'd probably be immediately ostracized from any sort of social groups cool or otherwise, you would also be admitting that you shop at K-Mart. I mean come on, I shop at Target. Target has some nice stuff actually, but admitting you shop at K-Mart, well jesus that is just bad.
I mean when I think of K-Mart I think of the poorly lit, hilariously dungeon esque, frightening K-Mart on Lake Street. You know the one I'm talking about. The one that was actually built to interrupt a major thoroughfare in Minneapolis and in turn segregating a large portion of the Minneapolis population. I've actually been in that one a few times and its fucking depressing. Where as Wal-Mart always has the dirty feel, where even as they are buffing the floors at 2am as you walk in, you just get that vibe yelling at your brain "THIS PLACE SUCKS" imagine that only x1000. This K-mart is really fucking depressing. The people who shop and work there know it too...I think the entire store is actually lit with 3 lightbulbs that were smuggled out of some 3rd World refugee camp to really sell the whole "this place sucks" mood.
Getting back to the topic though...sweatpants that is. Man if I had a daughter there is no way in fuck I would let her wear sweatpants that said anything along the ass except "Stay the fuck out." Also, according to google I guess the whole "PINK" brand is actually coming from Victoria's Secret. Now I don't mind the random commercial with huge breasts and unatainably attractive women but I do oppose the idea that sweatpants should say PINK along the ass. Why not for example, BROWN? Get it...a poop joke.
FIN
Fuck LA
Just kidding I love this place. Of course when I say I love Los Angeles I mean I love a very small subset of Los Angeles that only a small percentage of very rich assholes live in. The weather is nice and the food is awesome but most of the people are dickheads. Of coures this is delving into highly cliched territory about how the people out here are "fake" and materialistic. The truth is, they are. The other ting thats annoying is the kids I see around here are going to end up going to better schools than I did and become much more rich and succesful.
That noise is the sound of my disgruntled life deflating. On the other hand there is always porn.
That noise is the sound of my disgruntled life deflating. On the other hand there is always porn.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Am I A Bad Person?
I like watching movies. The other night I was home alone with nothing to do and actually ended up watching In Her Shoes. I thought it was pretty good actually.
I also kind of want to see You Don't Mess with The Zohan. I think my tastes are slipping or something. On the other hand the previews for The Love Guru have me vomiting bile and feeling as if I should shower every time one of the television ads comes up. The disgusting part is that I once enjoyed Mike Myers humor. Speaking of which the Austin Powers movies have aged terribly. I think the first one can actually stand on its own as a clever spoof with genuine chuckles but the fact that they made 3 is honestly quite mind boggling.
I'm almost about to put Mike Myers up on a level of shittiness that would surpass Eddie Murphy. At least Murphy knows he has no soul and does tons of shitty movies. I honestly think Myers thinks his schtick is still fresh. Wayne's World was funny, talking in a fat Irish/Ogre accent is not. And with the Love Guru we're entering stupid stupid borderline racist levels. Please go away for a while Mike.
I also kind of want to see You Don't Mess with The Zohan. I think my tastes are slipping or something. On the other hand the previews for The Love Guru have me vomiting bile and feeling as if I should shower every time one of the television ads comes up. The disgusting part is that I once enjoyed Mike Myers humor. Speaking of which the Austin Powers movies have aged terribly. I think the first one can actually stand on its own as a clever spoof with genuine chuckles but the fact that they made 3 is honestly quite mind boggling.
I'm almost about to put Mike Myers up on a level of shittiness that would surpass Eddie Murphy. At least Murphy knows he has no soul and does tons of shitty movies. I honestly think Myers thinks his schtick is still fresh. Wayne's World was funny, talking in a fat Irish/Ogre accent is not. And with the Love Guru we're entering stupid stupid borderline racist levels. Please go away for a while Mike.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Things Worth Note
No one in Los Angeles owns a medium sized dog. If you have a dog its either under 5 pounds and fits in your purse, or its a giant 120 pound dog that would tear your face off if you looked at it wrong. Another thing that I find hilarious is that people have their domestic servants walk the families dogs. Sometimes rich people make me laugh, most of the time they just piss me off.
Other funnies include the fact that everyone in the neighborhood I'm in at least usually has a Prius. They of course offset any sort of supposed good they're doing by owning a really huge extravagant SUV. So you'll see the Land Rover parked next to the prius in front of the 8 million dollar mansion that has a bigger carbon footprint then I'll make in the next 14 years. Other lunacy includes the fact that Santa Monica is now outlawing plastic bags that you would get at a grocery store. FINALLY I HAVE USE FOR MY ORGANIC COTTON CLOTH BAG THAT STATES CLEARLY THAT THIS IS NOT A PLASTIC BAG!!! Score.
One last terrifying thing worth noting. I was watching TV last night and they have several channels with asian programming, I.E. straight from Asia. So I'm watching some awesome Korean drama about a woman who is pregnant and three guys who are looking after her when they actually cut to the "inside of the fetus" and you have a creepy looking CG baby in the womb who also actually TALKS. This was beyond nuts and I wish I could have recorded it or something.
I've been eating fast food out here too, since there are a lot of fast food joints that are completely localized in the greater American West.
In-N-Out - Plenty of hype around this place. I've eaten here before but for the sake of awarding grades I went again. I still think the fries are pretty substandard but the burgers are quite good. Not to mention the fact that buns are lightly toasted makes the entire burger experience rather enjoyable. A-
Carl's Jr - 6 dollar burgers are decent but I wasn't really blown away by any means. Also not digging the fact that they charge 75 cents extra if you use a credit card to buy...could just be that location but its annoying. B
Jack In The Box - Meh C+
Other funnies include the fact that everyone in the neighborhood I'm in at least usually has a Prius. They of course offset any sort of supposed good they're doing by owning a really huge extravagant SUV. So you'll see the Land Rover parked next to the prius in front of the 8 million dollar mansion that has a bigger carbon footprint then I'll make in the next 14 years. Other lunacy includes the fact that Santa Monica is now outlawing plastic bags that you would get at a grocery store. FINALLY I HAVE USE FOR MY ORGANIC COTTON CLOTH BAG THAT STATES CLEARLY THAT THIS IS NOT A PLASTIC BAG!!! Score.
One last terrifying thing worth noting. I was watching TV last night and they have several channels with asian programming, I.E. straight from Asia. So I'm watching some awesome Korean drama about a woman who is pregnant and three guys who are looking after her when they actually cut to the "inside of the fetus" and you have a creepy looking CG baby in the womb who also actually TALKS. This was beyond nuts and I wish I could have recorded it or something.
I've been eating fast food out here too, since there are a lot of fast food joints that are completely localized in the greater American West.
In-N-Out - Plenty of hype around this place. I've eaten here before but for the sake of awarding grades I went again. I still think the fries are pretty substandard but the burgers are quite good. Not to mention the fact that buns are lightly toasted makes the entire burger experience rather enjoyable. A-
Carl's Jr - 6 dollar burgers are decent but I wasn't really blown away by any means. Also not digging the fact that they charge 75 cents extra if you use a credit card to buy...could just be that location but its annoying. B
Jack In The Box - Meh C+
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Ooops, I graduated
I'm stupid. Why did I decide to graduate? Seriously? I'm stupid. I should have put this off another year or two.
In other news though I've been spending a lot more time on facebook while I sit around not getting a damn job. This is getting embarrassing. The allure of unemployment is getting quite intoxicating.
In other news though I've been spending a lot more time on facebook while I sit around not getting a damn job. This is getting embarrassing. The allure of unemployment is getting quite intoxicating.
Friday, May 02, 2008
Billy Zane
Is Billy Zane actually famous? I mean he had arguably the 3rd biggest role in the movie Titanic. In reality he seems like a pretty cool guy. His cameo in Zoolander creates...perhaps a larger elevation of his own worth in my mind than is warranted. I thought he was genuinely funny in Demon Knight as well...so the real question is why isn't the Zane man running wild over Hollywood?
Oh...yeah.
Oh...yeah.
Hannah Montana
This post has nothing to do with Hannah Montana...I'm simply hoping that someone finds this site because they were looking for Hannah Montana information and instead find a review of Surviving the Game.
Confession: I'm just not that into music. For one I'm not that picky. I certainly have some level of taste as I will discriminate against certain music but for the most part I will listen to the radio and find that acceptable. Some people vehemently hate the radio these days so for me to just sit there and think "Whatever" as I tune into some shitty top 40's station is pretty incomprehensible for some.
I think I'm just a complete movie snob (See Also: Dick). I usually think my film tastes are better than most peoples and my opinions are more valid. I'm a fucking movie geek actually. You'd think that this geek level would spill over into music but alas, it does not. I don't get it though. I want to be a music snob but personally I'd rather remember some stupid bit of production trivia about the David Fincher film Zodiac than what John Lennon was smoking when he wrote some random song.
Confession: I'm just not that into music. For one I'm not that picky. I certainly have some level of taste as I will discriminate against certain music but for the most part I will listen to the radio and find that acceptable. Some people vehemently hate the radio these days so for me to just sit there and think "Whatever" as I tune into some shitty top 40's station is pretty incomprehensible for some.
I think I'm just a complete movie snob (See Also: Dick). I usually think my film tastes are better than most peoples and my opinions are more valid. I'm a fucking movie geek actually. You'd think that this geek level would spill over into music but alas, it does not. I don't get it though. I want to be a music snob but personally I'd rather remember some stupid bit of production trivia about the David Fincher film Zodiac than what John Lennon was smoking when he wrote some random song.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Chuck Klosterman Mind Sucked Me
I have never read any books by Chuck Klosterman. I do notice that a ton of people own his book Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto.
First I need to point out that I'm trying to write a book exactly like the one he wrote. Of course he is now rich and famous and I'm not. The point is that he wrote a book about things I was going to write about. I can't devote 4 chapters of my book to Saved By The Bell now because I'd just be labeled a Chuck Klostermann wanna be. I was after doing some research into this "Chuck" fellow he also wrote about porn. I mean if there is one thing that I might be able to claim authority on in this world it might be porn...but no, fucking Kolsterman beats me too it.
Even worse I just found out he was from this area too!! Born in fucking Minnesota. He is totally killing my whole schtick. He also talks about sports as a metaphor for life...jesus christ is this guy me but only older? I'm honestly really upset now.
At least Grand Theft Auto 4 is coming out.
First I need to point out that I'm trying to write a book exactly like the one he wrote. Of course he is now rich and famous and I'm not. The point is that he wrote a book about things I was going to write about. I can't devote 4 chapters of my book to Saved By The Bell now because I'd just be labeled a Chuck Klostermann wanna be. I was after doing some research into this "Chuck" fellow he also wrote about porn. I mean if there is one thing that I might be able to claim authority on in this world it might be porn...but no, fucking Kolsterman beats me too it.
Even worse I just found out he was from this area too!! Born in fucking Minnesota. He is totally killing my whole schtick. He also talks about sports as a metaphor for life...jesus christ is this guy me but only older? I'm honestly really upset now.
At least Grand Theft Auto 4 is coming out.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Wild Lose
No time to talk about real pressing matters, the only thing going on right now in my head even a day or two removed is that the Minnesota Wild season is over. You assholes.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Pathetic
The sense of satisfaction that I get when I clean up my inbox, I.E. I clear out the spam, delete messages I have read, and then get my internet "life" in order actually makes me feel like I did something. Then I look at Facebook for a while and check the message boards I frequent.
Pathetic.
Pathetic.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Directors Should Never Cast Their Wives
Just a rule of mine that I think serves itself well. Even if she is really an amazing actress and would work great in the role, if I know she is the directors wife or for that matter, directors casts husband, gay lover, whatever...if I know about it I get bugged.
It's even worse when the woman fucking sucks at acting. Kevin Smith has cast his wife in Clerks II playing the love interest of Dante. I would find directing my wife to kiss a friend of mine really weird. He does even better in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back when he casts his wife as one of the sexy seductress women who liberate animals...only problem is stacked against Eliza Dushku, Shannon Elizabeth, and Ali Larter his wife is a fucking dog. Don't get me wrong, she is a beautiful lady but don't put her next to these 3 gals.
Rob Zombie casts his wife a lot too...problem I have with him is that he is obsessed with some sort of bizarro Hill Billy motif. Secondly, his trailer was by far the shittiest fake trailer that came out of Grindhouse. The best is obviously Machette.
It's even worse when the woman fucking sucks at acting. Kevin Smith has cast his wife in Clerks II playing the love interest of Dante. I would find directing my wife to kiss a friend of mine really weird. He does even better in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back when he casts his wife as one of the sexy seductress women who liberate animals...only problem is stacked against Eliza Dushku, Shannon Elizabeth, and Ali Larter his wife is a fucking dog. Don't get me wrong, she is a beautiful lady but don't put her next to these 3 gals.
Rob Zombie casts his wife a lot too...problem I have with him is that he is obsessed with some sort of bizarro Hill Billy motif. Secondly, his trailer was by far the shittiest fake trailer that came out of Grindhouse. The best is obviously Machette.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Insert R. Kelly Joke
The New Yorker has an article about a guy back in 1999 who was stuck in an elevator for 41 hours. Fun times were had by all. CLICK HERE FOR ARTICLE!
This really begs the question...what would you do stuck in an elevator for 41 hours? Me, probably go insane and have wild mood swings. Everything from manic, to happy, to sobbing uncontrollably.
Here is a time lapse of the poor guy:
This really begs the question...what would you do stuck in an elevator for 41 hours? Me, probably go insane and have wild mood swings. Everything from manic, to happy, to sobbing uncontrollably.
Here is a time lapse of the poor guy:
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Get Up, Stand Up: Stand Up for Your Rights
Yeah so I went to the Minnesota Roller Girls championship game last night at Roy Wilkins. Color me surprised when I ended up liking it and thinking that I will be attending more games next season.
Negative on the fatass who berated me for standing in the wrong place for like 5 seconds. His double chin look of disgust was annoying. Just politely ask me to move not act like I just shit on your mothers grave.
A big negative award of the week also goes to ME for losing my own fucking jacket. Fucking hell I'm still bitter about this.
Negative on the fatass who berated me for standing in the wrong place for like 5 seconds. His double chin look of disgust was annoying. Just politely ask me to move not act like I just shit on your mothers grave.
A big negative award of the week also goes to ME for losing my own fucking jacket. Fucking hell I'm still bitter about this.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Overheard on Campus
By overheard I mean this dude is talking on his cellphone loud as hell.
"Hey dude, just calling wondering if you had any special plans for 4/20? Yeah I was wondering if you had any plans....oh yeah totally should get a bag of special stuff. (LATER ON) YEAH I'm totally sucking at life, I am not waking up on time and totally skipping classes a lot blah blah I have to park on campus its totally a bummer. I have to take a shuttle and all the bike people."
First of all, why refer to the stuff you have to get as "special stuff" when you're blabbing about 4/20. We know what you're talking about dude. Secondly, nice Deftones shirt and pants with zippers all over them.
Rock over London, Rock On Chicago, Wheaties Breakfast of Champions
Loud Mouth Ass Update:
He calls his boss and asks for time off on the 19th and 20th...but then calls his friend and finds out his friend is free this weekend and not the weekend of the 19th and 20th. Response: "DUDE...HARDCORE."
Life rolls on.
"Hey dude, just calling wondering if you had any special plans for 4/20? Yeah I was wondering if you had any plans....oh yeah totally should get a bag of special stuff. (LATER ON) YEAH I'm totally sucking at life, I am not waking up on time and totally skipping classes a lot blah blah I have to park on campus its totally a bummer. I have to take a shuttle and all the bike people."
First of all, why refer to the stuff you have to get as "special stuff" when you're blabbing about 4/20. We know what you're talking about dude. Secondly, nice Deftones shirt and pants with zippers all over them.
Rock over London, Rock On Chicago, Wheaties Breakfast of Champions
Loud Mouth Ass Update:
He calls his boss and asks for time off on the 19th and 20th...but then calls his friend and finds out his friend is free this weekend and not the weekend of the 19th and 20th. Response: "DUDE...HARDCORE."
Life rolls on.
Monday, April 07, 2008
I Bet Heroin Isn't THAT Bad
This is always a constant discussion amongst friends. Its kind of a six degrees of separation except you argue about the access to drugs. Sure I know a few people who are a bit more shady then others and typically a drug like marijuana would theoretically a single person/phone call away where as harder drugs may take another call or two. The mystery drug though is always heroin. I don't know anyone who has ever done it, have even heard about someone I know or someones friends friend do it, and for that matter who could get it.
Heroin it would seem is not only hard to get but is somehow elusive. Shunned by high class drug addicts, ravers, and the homeless alike. This is turning into a pseduo-Tarantino esque monologue about drugs though so I'm cutting it off now.
P.S. Just rewatched The Bourne Ultimatum lastnight and I'm pretty sure Matt Damon could kick God's ass at this point.
Heroin it would seem is not only hard to get but is somehow elusive. Shunned by high class drug addicts, ravers, and the homeless alike. This is turning into a pseduo-Tarantino esque monologue about drugs though so I'm cutting it off now.
P.S. Just rewatched The Bourne Ultimatum lastnight and I'm pretty sure Matt Damon could kick God's ass at this point.
Friday, April 04, 2008
No Drunks Allowed
First of all, I'm going by advice from Dan and am going to start giving out some pearls of wisdom.
Pearl of Wisdom #1: Make sure to live somewhere shitty, so you can afford to live there.
Pearl of Wisdom #2: Do not search for crack in Google Image Search with Safe Search off...you will not like what you see, EVER.
In other news drunk people are fucking loud as fuck and if I'm not drunk its not nearly as fun.
Finally, I feel like the blogvolution will not be televised...meaning shit, remember when the bridge collapsed? I could have run down to the bridge area and started live blogging and people would be linking to my blog and seeing my really stupid posts in my post history but since I'm doing live stuff I would be hot shit.
So...what I plan on doing is blogging the Republican National Convention and what not. I'm sure I can catch some cop cracking hippy skull or something.
Pearl of Wisdom #1: Make sure to live somewhere shitty, so you can afford to live there.
Pearl of Wisdom #2: Do not search for crack in Google Image Search with Safe Search off...you will not like what you see, EVER.
In other news drunk people are fucking loud as fuck and if I'm not drunk its not nearly as fun.
Finally, I feel like the blogvolution will not be televised...meaning shit, remember when the bridge collapsed? I could have run down to the bridge area and started live blogging and people would be linking to my blog and seeing my really stupid posts in my post history but since I'm doing live stuff I would be hot shit.
So...what I plan on doing is blogging the Republican National Convention and what not. I'm sure I can catch some cop cracking hippy skull or something.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
SAVE THE DRAMA FOR YO MOMMA
So I think my landlord just made my bike "disappear." In that they were messing around with a railing that I had my bike locked on to and then when I got home all the bikes that were connect to these rails are now missing. Pretty sweet. Given that I have no car and the bike is essentially my only transportation besides public transit this is extremely annoying.
Bus Drama
Yesterday I was on the bus on my way home and as I got on a young woman in the front of the bus who looked like she was not having a very fun time said something to the effect of, "Can you call an ambulance...I don't feel very good." The bus driver seemed confused but proceeded to call an ambulance. Weird part...she was seemingly talking/listening to someone or thing on her cell phone at the time. The bus driver pointed this out incredulously as he stated, "YOU WANT ME to call an ambulance while you're on your cellphone?!?"
He did anyways so the jokes on him....still it was weird. I wonder if she was dying or something? Life is weird.
Bus Drama
Yesterday I was on the bus on my way home and as I got on a young woman in the front of the bus who looked like she was not having a very fun time said something to the effect of, "Can you call an ambulance...I don't feel very good." The bus driver seemed confused but proceeded to call an ambulance. Weird part...she was seemingly talking/listening to someone or thing on her cell phone at the time. The bus driver pointed this out incredulously as he stated, "YOU WANT ME to call an ambulance while you're on your cellphone?!?"
He did anyways so the jokes on him....still it was weird. I wonder if she was dying or something? Life is weird.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Last Night was Odd
First time ever I went to the bar Ground Zero. It was certainly a new situation as most bars I've been too don't have a show where people can get whipped and or have hot wax dripped on them. To be honest though the bar was pretty decent although the pounding music got a bit old. Either way things could have been worse...my zipper could have been down the whole night.
One thing I never could understand though is the dudes who will start dancing around by themselves and they honestly seem like they're having a lot of fun...either that or they're just way to into it for their own good. I am barely comfortable enough with myself to dance in the first place, but to go solo on the dance floor. There is something admirable about such courage. On the other hand if you suck, you suck so don't do it.
One thing I never could understand though is the dudes who will start dancing around by themselves and they honestly seem like they're having a lot of fun...either that or they're just way to into it for their own good. I am barely comfortable enough with myself to dance in the first place, but to go solo on the dance floor. There is something admirable about such courage. On the other hand if you suck, you suck so don't do it.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
I Can't Stare
I hate staring at people. I try not too but I have a affinity to gaze. People walk by and they have cool shoes or that girl is wearing a weird hat so I start looking at them but if I make the dreaded 'eye contact' all bets are off. I get freaked out because they might think I've been staring at them the entire time when in fact I was just checking out some weird thing I found interesting about them. Its happened before and I feel terrible about it. I want to go up to them and apologize for the stare but I feel bad if I did because then I'd be admitting it in the first place.
The only thing worse than staring is obviously walking around with your fly down. I've managed to do that several times in the last few weeks. God knows how long it was down...how long I let strangers gaze into the darkest regions of my own privacy. Pretty sure last time I rode the bus my fly was down. Even if you were to realize you have an exposed crotch area you are in a predicament. You really can't casually zip up your zipper because its obvious you're fumbling around you crotch. You also don't want to leave it open because it looks stupid and you could be showing off "The Goods." So basically you either ignore it or somehow find a corner to hide in (on the bus) and zip it up all casual like. Or you can walk from the bus to work and then only when you sit down at your job do you realize the zipper has been flapping open for the last 45 minutes.
Lastly, Uptown Theaters midnight movie selection for the next few weeks is fucking pathetic. No one gives a shit about Run Lola Run. That is the movie that everyone uses as an example when they say they watch foreign films. Everyone who takes middle school german gets to watch that movie.
The only thing worse than staring is obviously walking around with your fly down. I've managed to do that several times in the last few weeks. God knows how long it was down...how long I let strangers gaze into the darkest regions of my own privacy. Pretty sure last time I rode the bus my fly was down. Even if you were to realize you have an exposed crotch area you are in a predicament. You really can't casually zip up your zipper because its obvious you're fumbling around you crotch. You also don't want to leave it open because it looks stupid and you could be showing off "The Goods." So basically you either ignore it or somehow find a corner to hide in (on the bus) and zip it up all casual like. Or you can walk from the bus to work and then only when you sit down at your job do you realize the zipper has been flapping open for the last 45 minutes.
Lastly, Uptown Theaters midnight movie selection for the next few weeks is fucking pathetic. No one gives a shit about Run Lola Run. That is the movie that everyone uses as an example when they say they watch foreign films. Everyone who takes middle school german gets to watch that movie.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Murderers' Row
Murderers' Row was a nickname given to the 1927 New York Yankees batting lineup. I will not attribute it to the Law & Order lineup of both lawyers and detectives. My favorite lineup is as follows.
Jerry Orbach aka Lennie Briscoe = Babe Ruth
Benjamin Bratt aka Rey Curtis = Earle Combs
Sam Waterson aka Jack McCoy = Lou Gehrig
Angie Harmon aka Abbie Carmichael = Mark Koenig
That is the dream lineup for Law & Order that will never be topped.
Jerry Orbach aka Lennie Briscoe = Babe Ruth
Benjamin Bratt aka Rey Curtis = Earle Combs
Sam Waterson aka Jack McCoy = Lou Gehrig
Angie Harmon aka Abbie Carmichael = Mark Koenig
That is the dream lineup for Law & Order that will never be topped.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
More Lazy Blogging
I find this funny because they say boner an excessive amount of times. Its not just "Oops you committed a boner." It's "Boner boner boner."
Monday, March 17, 2008
Captain Planet is Awesome
The episode known as 'Teers in the Hood just opened my eyes to inner city violence and strife. Also I realize how lazy I am by not actually posting stuff just linking to youtube...but who cares. Watch this and laugh.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
This Week In Life: Review Edition
Time to mix this mother up. Usually I complain about the bus (and jesus christ I could do that some more) but instead I'm going to do a few reviews of things I use in my life and why you should or should not get them yourselves!
First up are those Hefty Stretch Garbage Bags which really fucking rock. Now they can't quite stretch like the commercials show but they can take a lot of garbage. In my opinion the ultimate test is a large pizza box that hasn't been bent at all. Not only do these have sharp corners that would cut up a normal bag, but they are really big so they will stretch the bag out as well. The bags handle these with machismo not seen since Razor Ramon (WWF reference there for those keeping track). Final Grade: A+
Next up is that peanut butter that isn't a heavily processed brand like Jif or anything like that. Its the kind where you have to stir it up because they have that oil that pools at the top. Well as it turns out...this stuff is fucking shit. Normally I'm a snob elitist bastard who likes more expensive premium brands which also usually translates into more "natural." Well in this case I made a grave mistake. Not only do I like the more processed peanut butter, but I find that if I eat the more natural peanut butter I gag and want to kill myself. Final Grade: F
The last thing I'm reviewing today will be the Axe Body wash snake peel shower scrub. This allegedly has Desert Minerals + Cactus Oil. I say allegedly because I don't care if it has a Unicorn's horn ground up into a fine powder and when using the wash tiny nanobots are deployed to microscopically clean my body. I just care if it smells good, it makes me clean, and doesn't give me a rash. The good news is no rash. I found the smell sort of nice, but after finally finishing the bottle that I bought a while ago I have come to the conclusion that this is not the wash for me. Perhaps it is my strong anti-Axe bias but I really fucking hate most of their stuff. Final Grade: C-
Bonus Youtube Video of the Day:
First up are those Hefty Stretch Garbage Bags which really fucking rock. Now they can't quite stretch like the commercials show but they can take a lot of garbage. In my opinion the ultimate test is a large pizza box that hasn't been bent at all. Not only do these have sharp corners that would cut up a normal bag, but they are really big so they will stretch the bag out as well. The bags handle these with machismo not seen since Razor Ramon (WWF reference there for those keeping track). Final Grade: A+
Next up is that peanut butter that isn't a heavily processed brand like Jif or anything like that. Its the kind where you have to stir it up because they have that oil that pools at the top. Well as it turns out...this stuff is fucking shit. Normally I'm a snob elitist bastard who likes more expensive premium brands which also usually translates into more "natural." Well in this case I made a grave mistake. Not only do I like the more processed peanut butter, but I find that if I eat the more natural peanut butter I gag and want to kill myself. Final Grade: F
The last thing I'm reviewing today will be the Axe Body wash snake peel shower scrub. This allegedly has Desert Minerals + Cactus Oil. I say allegedly because I don't care if it has a Unicorn's horn ground up into a fine powder and when using the wash tiny nanobots are deployed to microscopically clean my body. I just care if it smells good, it makes me clean, and doesn't give me a rash. The good news is no rash. I found the smell sort of nice, but after finally finishing the bottle that I bought a while ago I have come to the conclusion that this is not the wash for me. Perhaps it is my strong anti-Axe bias but I really fucking hate most of their stuff. Final Grade: C-
Bonus Youtube Video of the Day:
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Boyz II Men - Best Band Ever???
To the question posed, I would argue that YES indeed they are the best band ever. Wikipedia informs me that based on sales alone, they are the most successful R&B band of all time.
You also cannot say to my face that in the Boyz II Men song "End of the Road" where the one really deep voiced guy breaks it down saying:
"Girl, I'm here for you, all those times of night when you hurt me and just run out with that other fella, Baby I knew about it, I just didn't care. You just don't understand how much I love you do you? I'm here for you. I"m not out to go out and cheat on your all night. Just like you did baby that's all right, Hey, I love you anyway and I'm still gonna be here for you till my dying day baby. Right now, I'm just in so much pain baby, Cuz you just won't come back to me...WILL you? Just come back to me."
It really doesn't get more awesome than that does it? Honestly I wish I had that voice so I could just be awesome like that. 'MoTown Philly' is the song I want played at my funeral. Thats how fucking awesome they are. COME BACK BOYZ II MEN!!! AMERICA NEEDS YOU!!
You also cannot say to my face that in the Boyz II Men song "End of the Road" where the one really deep voiced guy breaks it down saying:
"Girl, I'm here for you, all those times of night when you hurt me and just run out with that other fella, Baby I knew about it, I just didn't care. You just don't understand how much I love you do you? I'm here for you. I"m not out to go out and cheat on your all night. Just like you did baby that's all right, Hey, I love you anyway and I'm still gonna be here for you till my dying day baby. Right now, I'm just in so much pain baby, Cuz you just won't come back to me...WILL you? Just come back to me."
It really doesn't get more awesome than that does it? Honestly I wish I had that voice so I could just be awesome like that. 'MoTown Philly' is the song I want played at my funeral. Thats how fucking awesome they are. COME BACK BOYZ II MEN!!! AMERICA NEEDS YOU!!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Dinner Theater
I kind of wanted to name this one "Honest to Blog" ironically, but then I assumed that there were thousands of people doing this both ironically and unironically. Quite the predicament but I decided not too.
I've always dreamed of opening my own restaurant. One of the ones I would open would be very manly. Every table and chair would be made of blocks of concrete. That way when it was time to clean up I would just hose down the entire place. I would only serve meat. The plates would be made of cross stitched bacon and I would serve steaks and burgers and it would be awesome. I also had plans to build the bathrooms on an elevated platform above the restaurant dining area so when the patrons were doing their business they could look down on everyone. Not sure how I'd do it yet, but I saw on some tv show how they have this running water style fountain thing for urinals...seems cool.
Moving on, I also want to do some sort of guerilla theater dining experience in which the person eating literally takes on the environment and atmosphere that I am trying to present. This would require large amounts of land, money, and actors. They would choose formats. Say a POW escaping a Vietcong prison camp. They would have to dedicate 10 hours for the complete "dining experience." Live gun shots would be going off while they run through knee deep water. They hide in a cave and are quickly fed a sticky riceball.
Think about it people!!! This is the future of dining.
I've always dreamed of opening my own restaurant. One of the ones I would open would be very manly. Every table and chair would be made of blocks of concrete. That way when it was time to clean up I would just hose down the entire place. I would only serve meat. The plates would be made of cross stitched bacon and I would serve steaks and burgers and it would be awesome. I also had plans to build the bathrooms on an elevated platform above the restaurant dining area so when the patrons were doing their business they could look down on everyone. Not sure how I'd do it yet, but I saw on some tv show how they have this running water style fountain thing for urinals...seems cool.
Moving on, I also want to do some sort of guerilla theater dining experience in which the person eating literally takes on the environment and atmosphere that I am trying to present. This would require large amounts of land, money, and actors. They would choose formats. Say a POW escaping a Vietcong prison camp. They would have to dedicate 10 hours for the complete "dining experience." Live gun shots would be going off while they run through knee deep water. They hide in a cave and are quickly fed a sticky riceball.
Think about it people!!! This is the future of dining.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Shot Down in the Blaze of Glory
First of all, fuck the city buses. Yeah I've declared a holy war on them in the past but its getting annoying. As I slowly depend more on city transit to get me around I have come to realize that the time of arrival they list on their schedules is more of a suggestion.
Ten Minutes late....five minutes early....thats how they roll. Also I typically ride the bus for less than 2 miles yet I have somehow managed to find a fucking freakshow of events in just the last few weeks. Seriously, its actually pretty entertaining. I'm going to cancel cable and just ride the bus.
More pressing matters are at hand though. I just went to a place that serves 'Sweet Potato French Fries' and holy shit....they have changed my life. As a side effect I will probably become morbidly obese. Which begs the question, why is being called "morbidly obese" so damn funny? I mean you get to the point where you're not just obese, but morbidly obese! Thanks to Wikipedia I've also discovered "Fat Fetishism, Stuffing, and Feederism." Thanks wikipedia for ruining my night.
Ten Minutes late....five minutes early....thats how they roll. Also I typically ride the bus for less than 2 miles yet I have somehow managed to find a fucking freakshow of events in just the last few weeks. Seriously, its actually pretty entertaining. I'm going to cancel cable and just ride the bus.
More pressing matters are at hand though. I just went to a place that serves 'Sweet Potato French Fries' and holy shit....they have changed my life. As a side effect I will probably become morbidly obese. Which begs the question, why is being called "morbidly obese" so damn funny? I mean you get to the point where you're not just obese, but morbidly obese! Thanks to Wikipedia I've also discovered "Fat Fetishism, Stuffing, and Feederism." Thanks wikipedia for ruining my night.
Monday, February 04, 2008
I Declare Holy War on Meet the Spartans
A bit of old news but the movie Meet the Spartans was tops at the box office last week. It beat out Rambo...which I saw. That is another story though. Meet The Spartans is so fucking bad I want to vomit furiously and kill everyone involved in it (except Kevin Sorbo...lets face it Hercules was a badass). The movie is bad on so many levels just by watching a preview I know this. I will not link to a preview either because I would get angry just giving that movie any more publicity.
You know its bad because they are making fun of 300 by referring to a 5 year old movie...and uhh, you know, Meet the...uhh...Spartans HAHAHAHAH. WHAT? Also those fuckers who wrote Date Movie and Really Bad Stupid Shit make lots of money off of this. It makes me ill. Good day sir!!!!
You know its bad because they are making fun of 300 by referring to a 5 year old movie...and uhh, you know, Meet the...uhh...Spartans HAHAHAHAH. WHAT? Also those fuckers who wrote Date Movie and Really Bad Stupid Shit make lots of money off of this. It makes me ill. Good day sir!!!!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Nude Models On Strike!!!
In Italy, Nude Models who pose for art students are on strike for better wages. Like I've always said, the barometer for society has always been the nude model. When the world is not doing good, nude models will be the first to let you know.
I guess this is going to end up being me rehashing news I might as well point out CNN has let me know that Ukulele Fever has hit the UK!!! WOW!!!......or not. Yeah this post sucks.
To close, don't you hate the overeager person who is in college classrooms across America? You know the type...a bit older, a bit wiser, a bit more annoying. The person who has two kids or the person who spent time in the "real world" and now comes back to college. I'm sure its fucking awesome for them, but when you keep raising your hand answering questions and being way to enthusiastic it kills my 'I'm too good to be here and I'm going in debt but I don't care because I'm young and invincible' vibe. Would you please just take a seat and be annoyed that you actually have to show up to class......rather than actually contribute!
I guess this is going to end up being me rehashing news I might as well point out CNN has let me know that Ukulele Fever has hit the UK!!! WOW!!!......or not. Yeah this post sucks.
To close, don't you hate the overeager person who is in college classrooms across America? You know the type...a bit older, a bit wiser, a bit more annoying. The person who has two kids or the person who spent time in the "real world" and now comes back to college. I'm sure its fucking awesome for them, but when you keep raising your hand answering questions and being way to enthusiastic it kills my 'I'm too good to be here and I'm going in debt but I don't care because I'm young and invincible' vibe. Would you please just take a seat and be annoyed that you actually have to show up to class......rather than actually contribute!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Censorship: DON'T TREAD ON ME
I was watching a television show where a womans ass crack was blurred out. Just a tiny bit of plumbers crack that I did not find titillating in the least bit. In that same show a woman had a plunging neck line and some heavy cleavage going on. Not blurred. WHY? Why must we discriminate against the ass cleavage but not the breast cleavage? How far have we come....THIS IS THE YEAR 2008 PEOPLE!!!
Which brings up another point...fat people. I have an unhealthy obsession with watching those shows on TLC about the people who weight 842 pounds and haven't walked in 3 years. They show some nasty stuff on those programs yet the beautiful people of the world are not allowed to flash a bit of ass crack. HOW DARE THEY!!!
Which brings me to my last point of the night. America is evidently in the grips of an obesity crisis. I've talked about this in a previous blog post, but what about the fat people in the news reports? I feel sorry for them. Does the woman about to chomp into that Double Whopper know her face is going to be plastered on the front page of the USA Today? How fucking terrible would you feel if that happened?
You think this man or woman (not sure which...kind of sad really but anyhow!) knew they were getting a picture taken of them for some article about obesity? They come home after a hard day at work grab the paper and "HOLY SHIT." Those are my fucking pants I wore today...and that loose fitting ugly blue shirt was mine too!! I'M A FAT WHALE MONSTER!! Tragic really.
On the plus side (haha get it..plus side...as in they are bigger, like plus size) if I just maintain my weight and everyone else gains...I'll be skinny soon enough!
Which brings up another point...fat people. I have an unhealthy obsession with watching those shows on TLC about the people who weight 842 pounds and haven't walked in 3 years. They show some nasty stuff on those programs yet the beautiful people of the world are not allowed to flash a bit of ass crack. HOW DARE THEY!!!
Which brings me to my last point of the night. America is evidently in the grips of an obesity crisis. I've talked about this in a previous blog post, but what about the fat people in the news reports? I feel sorry for them. Does the woman about to chomp into that Double Whopper know her face is going to be plastered on the front page of the USA Today? How fucking terrible would you feel if that happened?
You think this man or woman (not sure which...kind of sad really but anyhow!) knew they were getting a picture taken of them for some article about obesity? They come home after a hard day at work grab the paper and "HOLY SHIT." Those are my fucking pants I wore today...and that loose fitting ugly blue shirt was mine too!! I'M A FAT WHALE MONSTER!! Tragic really.
On the plus side (haha get it..plus side...as in they are bigger, like plus size) if I just maintain my weight and everyone else gains...I'll be skinny soon enough!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
THE NEW YEAR
Fuck the New Year.
Also go to this site, I just watched all of these. They rock.
http://www.lasagnacat.com/
Stay tuned for more true stories of horror, love lost, love found, and stinky homeless on 'Tales from Metro Transit'
Also go to this site, I just watched all of these. They rock.
http://www.lasagnacat.com/
Stay tuned for more true stories of horror, love lost, love found, and stinky homeless on 'Tales from Metro Transit'
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Dear Fedex
Yeah so I've missed a package being delivered to my house the last couple times because I'm sleeping. They come at 11ish am. I sleep in until 2pm now. Fedex should just bust in the door or something. Note that I'm up at 5:05am writing this stupid blog post.
Much like Seinfeld this is a blog about nothing.
Much like Seinfeld this is a blog about nothing.
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