In honor of Salt-N-Pepa (Shout Out to Spinderella as well) I titled this post Shoop.
Moving along, has anyone else known a growing trend in the world of manliness? Since the early 2000's I've noticed that manliness has been increasingly commoditized. From all those new Old Spice commercials that promise to grow more chest hair, to AXE and all those other shitty body sprays, to TNN turning themselves into Spike TV and airing way more shitty "male targeted" programming the trend is clearly there.
That said, its pretty clear this trend is also stupid. When done correctly and or ironically (usually a mixture of both) it can lead to really fucking awesome results. Surviorman and Man Vs. Wild are amazing television shows and it doesn't get any more manly than eating a rabbit you just skinned yourselves. And before all four of my readers get upset and say, "But Scott Bear Grylls is a fake and stayed in a hotel and he" I will cut you off and slap you in the face and call you ugly. I don't care. He has climbed Mount Everest and is named Bear!!!
Poor examples of manliness include the fact that polos are now really fucking lame and anyone who genuinely wears a popped collar without a sense of irony is now stupid and this also extends to the use of the word BRO being used 100 percent genuine as well.
What I propose is a healthy medium where manly accomplishments will be celebrated. Man Laws was a genuinely awesome set of commercials for beer. But don't go overboard and enter a realm of vapid douche.
P.S. Still looking for a moving partner to Los Angeles!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
The Hoverboard
Obviously one of the most important films of the last 100 years was Back to the Future Part II. One of the most exciting parts about this follow up to the smash hit Back to the Future was the entire hoverboard chase sequence. One thing that has always bothered me though was at the point where Marty in an attempt to escape Griff and his futuristic goons is riding behind a hover jeep. Griff swings at him with his bat and Marty ducks only to fly over a car and into the pond area in front of the new 2015 clock tower. Marty comes to a halt just feet from dry land. Griff and his goons taunt him stating that,
"Hey McFly, you bozo! Hoverboards don't work on water...unless you got POWER!! HAHAHAHHA!"
This is what bothers me. What makes hoverboards not work on water? In the scenes leading up to this we see that Marty and those chasing him are merely pushing their feet over the air in a style similar to a skateboard except NO contact is made with the ground. They are all pushing on air. So why cannot hover boards work on water at all? They clearly maintain the ability to hover. Marty can even be seen dipping his feet in the water attempting to push. There is no reason he shouldn't be able to move forward at least a little bit!!!
Other things that bother me in this sequence include the fact that Griff and his gang is charging at Marty and as Griff yells, "Batter UP!!!" as he is flying on a rocket powered hoverboard no one in the town seems to care. There is a clear shot of a police officer in the background on the clocktower steps actually turning away from the ensuing mayhem!! Griff is about to assault a man with a weapon and no one cares!! I also am not clear though why his goons "strapped" themselves onto Griffs Pit Bull since they could do nothing. Even more bizarre is the next event that happens in this sequence. Griff misses his swing and then they go flying off into glass front of the Clock Tower building. What exactly were they planning on doing if they actually did hit him? I don't think they'd have come to a instant stop either.
Finally the sequence ends with Griff and Goons getting arrested by Hill Valley police and Marty just swims away. No cops come to get a statement from him. Not only that but somehow Griffs Pit Bull hoverboard has magically fallen into the hands of the little girl that Marty took the Mattel hoverboard from. Even more insane is the fact that the USA TODAY evidently deems Hill Valley crime issues front page news!
In conclusion, Back to the Future Part II is awesome.
"Hey McFly, you bozo! Hoverboards don't work on water...unless you got POWER!! HAHAHAHHA!"
This is what bothers me. What makes hoverboards not work on water? In the scenes leading up to this we see that Marty and those chasing him are merely pushing their feet over the air in a style similar to a skateboard except NO contact is made with the ground. They are all pushing on air. So why cannot hover boards work on water at all? They clearly maintain the ability to hover. Marty can even be seen dipping his feet in the water attempting to push. There is no reason he shouldn't be able to move forward at least a little bit!!!
Other things that bother me in this sequence include the fact that Griff and his gang is charging at Marty and as Griff yells, "Batter UP!!!" as he is flying on a rocket powered hoverboard no one in the town seems to care. There is a clear shot of a police officer in the background on the clocktower steps actually turning away from the ensuing mayhem!! Griff is about to assault a man with a weapon and no one cares!! I also am not clear though why his goons "strapped" themselves onto Griffs Pit Bull since they could do nothing. Even more bizarre is the next event that happens in this sequence. Griff misses his swing and then they go flying off into glass front of the Clock Tower building. What exactly were they planning on doing if they actually did hit him? I don't think they'd have come to a instant stop either.
Finally the sequence ends with Griff and Goons getting arrested by Hill Valley police and Marty just swims away. No cops come to get a statement from him. Not only that but somehow Griffs Pit Bull hoverboard has magically fallen into the hands of the little girl that Marty took the Mattel hoverboard from. Even more insane is the fact that the USA TODAY evidently deems Hill Valley crime issues front page news!
In conclusion, Back to the Future Part II is awesome.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Kind of Want Winter
I secretly enjoy winter. The thought is pretty absurd but I don't like to sweat and as fate would have it, I tend to sweat. The bigger point here is that winter in Minnesota is secretly hated but even more insidiously loved. Its the typical passive aggressive nature of someone from Minnesota to proclaim to someone from California that negative 15 isn't that cold. Then you talk up some story about how it snowed 2 feet and you almost froze to death when your car stalled and you act tough.
But when January rolls around and the Mississippi river has frozen over you realize you fucking hate winter, you hate cold, and you certainly hate snow. As time moves on though you realize its nearing September and you want winter again. You want ice and all that other crap. The cycle renews once more. I guess I can wait until after the state fair but it would be nice to have some snow and go skating (ice).
That said I can't have this entire post be about waxing nostalgically for the snow. So I bring this forth...remember in Die Hard 2 when Bruce Willis stabs that guy in the eye with the icicle?! Probably one of the craziest deaths in movie history. Well...not craziest, but it was pretty crazy.
But when January rolls around and the Mississippi river has frozen over you realize you fucking hate winter, you hate cold, and you certainly hate snow. As time moves on though you realize its nearing September and you want winter again. You want ice and all that other crap. The cycle renews once more. I guess I can wait until after the state fair but it would be nice to have some snow and go skating (ice).
That said I can't have this entire post be about waxing nostalgically for the snow. So I bring this forth...remember in Die Hard 2 when Bruce Willis stabs that guy in the eye with the icicle?! Probably one of the craziest deaths in movie history. Well...not craziest, but it was pretty crazy.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
NEWS ALERT
I'm breaking my rule of not posting more than twice a day because...well this is important.
The State Fair is coming soon so I'm fasting right now. Believe you me when this 'mutha' hits like a ton of bricks all over this states face, I'm going to be there and eating everything. You should expect full reports on both food quality, awesomeness, and expect pics.
The State Fair is coming soon so I'm fasting right now. Believe you me when this 'mutha' hits like a ton of bricks all over this states face, I'm going to be there and eating everything. You should expect full reports on both food quality, awesomeness, and expect pics.
I Think I Have An Idea
The website Gawker has a little thing they do called "The Gawker Stalker" in which people in New York can report their latest celebrity sightings. They go something like this:
Just saw Kato Kaelin on Broadway and Howard St. Was wearing a long black trenchcoat and feathery pimp hat. I was wondering where OJ was?!
The only difference is that instead of Kato Kaeilin we'd be talking about a real celebrity. Now my idea is how about a totally shitty worthless version of Gawker Stalker in the Twin Cities? And instead of celebrities we just follow me around? Yeah!! Okay that was fucking stupid but it allows me to get to my next point.
My complete and utter hatred of US Weekly. Of course there is the paradox and tinge of irony as I point out that by acknowledging US weekly and also by admitting I have looked in it, I am only giving this evil beast more power, but I must once again (pretty sure I've talked about this mutliple times) point out the completely stupid and unessacary "CELEBRITIES THEY ARE JUST LIKE US" segment in every magazine. This is where they should celebrities doing things that are either completely fucking obvious in that they are just like us such as (and these are real examples here):
They shop for cheese! Eva Longoria filled her grocery cart with hot sauce and beans at...blah blah.
HOLY SHIT SHE SHOPS FOR CHEESE!!! NOW I CAN RELATE TO HER!!
On the other hand there are moments where they are not so much like us:
THEY PACK THEIR OWN TRUNK!! Uma Thurman shops til she drops at the Prada store in New York City's SoHo neighborhood, packing her goodies into a yellow cab July 26.
That is identical to my typical day...except I don't shop at prada. I can't even afford a taxi ride. I also don't live in New York, nor do I get to pack any sort of goodies anywhere. So I guess I am just like Uma Thurman minus the beauty, the breasts, the money, the fame, and the ability to live in a very expensive city and shop for top shelf name brand products.
I think the real take away from this entire tirade though is that you now can all laugh at me because you know I have looked at US Weekly more than once.
Just saw Kato Kaelin on Broadway and Howard St. Was wearing a long black trenchcoat and feathery pimp hat. I was wondering where OJ was?!
The only difference is that instead of Kato Kaeilin we'd be talking about a real celebrity. Now my idea is how about a totally shitty worthless version of Gawker Stalker in the Twin Cities? And instead of celebrities we just follow me around? Yeah!! Okay that was fucking stupid but it allows me to get to my next point.
My complete and utter hatred of US Weekly. Of course there is the paradox and tinge of irony as I point out that by acknowledging US weekly and also by admitting I have looked in it, I am only giving this evil beast more power, but I must once again (pretty sure I've talked about this mutliple times) point out the completely stupid and unessacary "CELEBRITIES THEY ARE JUST LIKE US" segment in every magazine. This is where they should celebrities doing things that are either completely fucking obvious in that they are just like us such as (and these are real examples here):
They shop for cheese! Eva Longoria filled her grocery cart with hot sauce and beans at...blah blah.
HOLY SHIT SHE SHOPS FOR CHEESE!!! NOW I CAN RELATE TO HER!!
On the other hand there are moments where they are not so much like us:
THEY PACK THEIR OWN TRUNK!! Uma Thurman shops til she drops at the Prada store in New York City's SoHo neighborhood, packing her goodies into a yellow cab July 26.
That is identical to my typical day...except I don't shop at prada. I can't even afford a taxi ride. I also don't live in New York, nor do I get to pack any sort of goodies anywhere. So I guess I am just like Uma Thurman minus the beauty, the breasts, the money, the fame, and the ability to live in a very expensive city and shop for top shelf name brand products.
I think the real take away from this entire tirade though is that you now can all laugh at me because you know I have looked at US Weekly more than once.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Never let me slip, Cause if I slip, Then I'm slippin
Anyone feel like moving to California now? Please respond if you do. I can offer a very cheap place to stay, great location, no more winters.
To put things mildly, I'm a bit miffed at how this summer has played out. I have yet to travel like I wanted to. I'm still poor as hell. I'm still technically homeless. I suck in general. Also the Minnesota Wild are pretty much fucking up their roster beyond belief and this next years season will be painful to watch...I predict that much anyways.
Olympics are overblown. Still watching basketball though. Redeem Team A+++.
Good news is the State Fair is rolling around. I'm ready for amazing corn on the cob, deep fried everything, and lots of stuff on a stick.
To put things mildly, I'm a bit miffed at how this summer has played out. I have yet to travel like I wanted to. I'm still poor as hell. I'm still technically homeless. I suck in general. Also the Minnesota Wild are pretty much fucking up their roster beyond belief and this next years season will be painful to watch...I predict that much anyways.
Olympics are overblown. Still watching basketball though. Redeem Team A+++.
Good news is the State Fair is rolling around. I'm ready for amazing corn on the cob, deep fried everything, and lots of stuff on a stick.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Really Bad Movie I Don't Even Ironically Like
Krippendorf's Tribe a film that has Richard Dreyfuss in it. This is the best quality image I could find of the poster but needless to say it has Richard Dreyfuss in 'goofy' garb and he is holding Jenna Elfman over his head on a spear. I'm not going to bother with some sort of critical analysis...but rather say, avoid this movie at all costs.
Which brings me to my next point that is totally unrelated....REMEMBER WEB RINGS? They were always on the bottoms of peoples really shitty geocities websites where you could click to the next to find another website dedicated to the videogame Goldeneye or the movie Tron. Its kind of funny if you think about it because I don't ever remember clicking through on those...in fact I largely ignored them. That said, I miss them just as I miss the area51 extension on a geocities site. God Bless The Internet.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Flavorwave Oven Turbo
So I'm currently watching an infomercial about the Flavorwave Oven Turbo. So its some magical oven that promises juicier and tastier food. The product itself is irrelevant. The exciting part is that Mr. T is hosting this informercial with some random washed up actress woman. I'm not joking when I say the "acting" in this informercial is shameful. I almost feel embarrassed for Mr. T and the random (named Darla) woman who is in it. I watch a lot of late night television so I've seen my share of informercials and I have to say this is honestly one of the worst acted ones I've seen. Mr. T and his pathetic attempts at acting incredulous over how good the food is are kind of funny. Goddamnit Mr. T. I want to remember you as Clubber Lang, the badass dude who beat up Rocky.
Also, they literally go out of their way to say "Mr. T" as much as possible. A fake exchange of dialouge goes literally like this.
I'm going to make some delicious fried chicken and french fries without any oil Mr. T. How am I going to do that without oil you ask Mr. T? Well I'll tell you Mr. T. Because of the Flavorwave Turbo's amazing technology I can make delicious food without oil Mr. T. Try this Mr. T. It tastes good, doesn't it Mr. T? Mr. T T T T T T T!
Also, they literally go out of their way to say "Mr. T" as much as possible. A fake exchange of dialouge goes literally like this.
I'm going to make some delicious fried chicken and french fries without any oil Mr. T. How am I going to do that without oil you ask Mr. T? Well I'll tell you Mr. T. Because of the Flavorwave Turbo's amazing technology I can make delicious food without oil Mr. T. Try this Mr. T. It tastes good, doesn't it Mr. T? Mr. T T T T T T T!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
ELMO IN YOUR FACE
Lets all remember that Tickle Me Elmo pretty much tore the holidays a new one back in 1996. The thing caused riots in shopping malls and retail outlets across America. My favorite Tickle Me Elmo revelation was back when the "new" version was coming out. Dubbed TMX (Tickle Me Extreme?) this Elmo would not only laugh, but convulse on the ground like a seizuring red fluff ball. But all that has simply been a long build up for a newly unveiled Elmo. Elmo LIVE as he is known goes "live" in October. Here is hoping this isn't some sort of Skynet esque initiative.
Bonus Elmo Footage: CLICK HERE FOR ELMO ON FIRE
Bonus Elmo Footage: CLICK HERE FOR ELMO ON FIRE
Is There Gold in the Hills?
Who wants to move to California with me? I offer a great home location (Brentwood, California...the Santa Monica one), low rent, and great company. Close to the beach...and right next to a place that has awesome chicken.
Anyways though, I think Rocky Rococo's has fallen off. By that I mean they have given up on their awesome advertising campaigns of yesteryear. Not since the awesome "CRUSTIN TIMBERBAKE; BRINGING CHEESY BACK" have I seen an awesome advertisement inside Rocky's. On the otherhand, Rocky Rococo has his own myspace. AWESOME.
Last note. Pineapple Express is good, but not great. I was always a firm believer that James Franco was the best character but under realized in Freaks & Geeks.
Anyways though, I think Rocky Rococo's has fallen off. By that I mean they have given up on their awesome advertising campaigns of yesteryear. Not since the awesome "CRUSTIN TIMBERBAKE; BRINGING CHEESY BACK" have I seen an awesome advertisement inside Rocky's. On the otherhand, Rocky Rococo has his own myspace. AWESOME.
Last note. Pineapple Express is good, but not great. I was always a firm believer that James Franco was the best character but under realized in Freaks & Geeks.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Canadian PSA's
These have been around for a while, but for those who haven't seen them...get ready to be freaked out.
Like It Says
Like the namesake of this blog, I'm still fucking awake. Its 4am and I've got four hours to go before I'm off work. Pretty fucking lame if you ask me. Anyways I've realized I've stepped away from my bread and butter of blog posts, instead opting for something a little less centralized and focused. So its time to go back to what I love most. Popular culture, consuming it, complaining about it, but ultimately consuming more of it.
Let me first start by complaining about something that is only sort of related to pop culture. I hate when people put "THE" in front of something. So for example, the latest comedy that I want to see is called Pineapple Express. In this hypothetical situation person X would say to me, "Lets go see The Pineapple Express." Or say hypothetical person X says yeah I love the band The Muse....even though the band is simply Muse. This is kind of a weird thing too because there are bands and movies that really this never happens to. No one is ever going to say, "Hey man, I really love this band, they're call The Radiohead." Nor will someone say, "Let's go see that new movie, The Star Wars."
Of course this trivial complain is quite anal retentive and exposes me as a bigger nerd who likes to nitpick things. That said it is something that on occasion really does bother me. Which leads me to my next point.
MOVIES THAT I IRRATIONALLY ENJOY DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE NOT REALLY THAT GOOD. FUTURE INSTALLMENTS WILL BEGIN LATER THIS MONTH. SOME TITLES TO LOOK FORWARD TO INCLUDE:
- Under Siege 2: Dark Territory
- Hot Shots! Part Deux
- Broken Arrow (John Woo)
ALSO LOOK FORWARD TO MORE POSTS ABOUT MOVIES I GENUINELY FEEL ARE GOOD. SECRETS WILL BE REVEALED.
Let me first start by complaining about something that is only sort of related to pop culture. I hate when people put "THE" in front of something. So for example, the latest comedy that I want to see is called Pineapple Express. In this hypothetical situation person X would say to me, "Lets go see The Pineapple Express." Or say hypothetical person X says yeah I love the band The Muse....even though the band is simply Muse. This is kind of a weird thing too because there are bands and movies that really this never happens to. No one is ever going to say, "Hey man, I really love this band, they're call The Radiohead." Nor will someone say, "Let's go see that new movie, The Star Wars."
Of course this trivial complain is quite anal retentive and exposes me as a bigger nerd who likes to nitpick things. That said it is something that on occasion really does bother me. Which leads me to my next point.
MOVIES THAT I IRRATIONALLY ENJOY DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE NOT REALLY THAT GOOD. FUTURE INSTALLMENTS WILL BEGIN LATER THIS MONTH. SOME TITLES TO LOOK FORWARD TO INCLUDE:
- Under Siege 2: Dark Territory
- Hot Shots! Part Deux
- Broken Arrow (John Woo)
ALSO LOOK FORWARD TO MORE POSTS ABOUT MOVIES I GENUINELY FEEL ARE GOOD. SECRETS WILL BE REVEALED.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Late Breaking News
We as a nation were all left with a large void in our heart when Krispy Kreme left the state of Minnesota. Where would we get our late night/early morning donut fix? God works in mysterious ways. Dunkin' Donuts has announced their triumphant return to the land of 10,000 lakes. In a few short years Dunkin' Donuts intends on opening over 100 stores state wide. Awesome. A good day for citizens of Minnesota, a good day for donut lovers, a good day for anyone who loves freedom.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Distance Is Relative
I realize I talk a lot about movies and sometimes I wonder if I have dedicated to much of my time and a good chunk of my brain knowing lots about very pointless things. I can tell you stupid amounts of information about the movie Demolition Man but I can't remember anything from my three years of high school spanish classes I took. I can run down various shots, list actors, and wax on philosophically about meaning of some work of pop culture. I must admit though that I am not a huge expert nor a particularly large fan of the huge 'French New Wave' movement of the late 1950's and 60's. I'm too much a fan of poppy no brains entertainment most of the time to give a rats ass about people who are much more attractive than me living supposedly shittier lives, yet getting laid a lot more.
To diverge a lot, today (or yesterday as of a couple hours ago) a funny thing happened. I'm in Familia enjoying the environment. Two young ladies walk in. They are heading towards the jeans. One gets to the pantalones fine. The other a slightly larger lady trips over the slightly raised platform floor and really eats ground hard. I wasn't watching at the time, but I definitely heard it and she smashed on the floor and did not look like she was in the best condition. I wanted to burst out laughing but I managed to hold back laughter. She sauntered off back to her car and never came back in the store while her friend continued to shop. I assume it was from the shame that goes with falling hard in public.
I found myself at the Mall of America as well so briefly I will lament a few things. First off, Lego Land has definitely fallen off. I remember many moons ago Lego Land not only had more stuff and big lego built structures, but I swear to god that Lego Land itself was bigger as far as geographical foot print is concerned. It is true though the Dutch company Lego is not doing as well financially which is too bad.
Secondly, Chipotle has opened in the mall. Awesome!
Thirdly, the fact that the amusement park is no longer called Camp Snoopy is lame. Really lame. I like Snoopy and Charlie Brown more than Sponge Bob and whatever all the other characters are splattered across the place are called. Charles Schulz was the man behind these beloved characters and is a Minnesota landmark so its a shame that the estate of Charles and the MOA couldn't come to an agreement.
Lastly, I need a job. I need health insurance. HOOK IT UP.
To diverge a lot, today (or yesterday as of a couple hours ago) a funny thing happened. I'm in Familia enjoying the environment. Two young ladies walk in. They are heading towards the jeans. One gets to the pantalones fine. The other a slightly larger lady trips over the slightly raised platform floor and really eats ground hard. I wasn't watching at the time, but I definitely heard it and she smashed on the floor and did not look like she was in the best condition. I wanted to burst out laughing but I managed to hold back laughter. She sauntered off back to her car and never came back in the store while her friend continued to shop. I assume it was from the shame that goes with falling hard in public.
I found myself at the Mall of America as well so briefly I will lament a few things. First off, Lego Land has definitely fallen off. I remember many moons ago Lego Land not only had more stuff and big lego built structures, but I swear to god that Lego Land itself was bigger as far as geographical foot print is concerned. It is true though the Dutch company Lego is not doing as well financially which is too bad.
Secondly, Chipotle has opened in the mall. Awesome!
Thirdly, the fact that the amusement park is no longer called Camp Snoopy is lame. Really lame. I like Snoopy and Charlie Brown more than Sponge Bob and whatever all the other characters are splattered across the place are called. Charles Schulz was the man behind these beloved characters and is a Minnesota landmark so its a shame that the estate of Charles and the MOA couldn't come to an agreement.
Lastly, I need a job. I need health insurance. HOOK IT UP.
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