John C. Reilly

Brilliant actor. Awesome in Magnolia...but Dr. Steve Brule is his greatest role.


P.S. When you sleep in there is no lonely time, just dreams.

Mambo #5

I'm sick and feel like shit and coughing up a storm. Hence I'm here on the internet on a beautiful saturday night. The internet rewards those who are bold though.

Step By Step

Step By Step, the hit sitcom which was part of the Murderers' Row of the 90's TGIF ABC programming block was weird. Weird in that it had a cross over episode that featured the most famous black man of all time, Urkel.

I'm here to talk about the one of the weirder cross overs of all time in television history that still on occasion haunts me at night. In this episode titled 'Great Expectations' two of the young daughter characters on this show are set up for a blind date. Two men arrive at the home of the two daughters and they are literally the living embodiment of Beavis and Butthead. Yes, the Beavis and Butthead from the cartoon show on MTV...except they're played by real people and impersonate their laughs and stupidity.

I'm certainly aware of the cultural force that was Beavis and Butt-Head. I'm also aware of the cultural force that was Step By Step. What I'm not aware of is how a lazy writer or two thought this was a good idea. I can't imagine being at a live taping of this show and thinking that this was funny. And as an audience are we to assume that this was literally Beavis and Butthead who have transmorphed from cartoon characters to real people who happen to live in Port Washington, Wisconsin? Or are these two men just so obsessed with Beavis and Butthead that they have assumed similar personas....which also begs the question of how much of an alternate reality does this sitcom exist in? Does other popular culture exist? Urkel appears in the 2nd episode of Step By Step as himself, but not as "URKEL FROM FAMILY MATTERS." He is actually the science fair partner of the nerdy son Mark. So Urkel in this sense exists in the same reality that the Lambert family does...except Urkel lives in Chicago. Its worth noting that Urkel also shows up in San Francisco for an episode of Full House.

Will we ever know the true answer? The answer would appear to be no. What we do know is this: Jaleel White started getting ripped by season 5 and it was obvious that Urkel was actually fucking ripped.

Magazine Racks

You know what is annoying? Well besides the fact that I was crafting a pretty good saved by the bell post but then Youtube started to act a bit wonky with me and I could not find the clips that I wanted to show the world...so instead you get a small rant.

Magazine Racks: We all have been at one. It might have been at the grocery store, might be at a book store, might be at one of those big newspaper/magazine stands and we all know there are certain societal rules that govern how you behave at them.

Rule 1: If you're at a book store, its likely that you can't just take a magazine and then walk to the opposite side of the store to look at it. You are tethered to I would approximate it at about a 25 foot radius. There may be a ledge to sit on or a couple benches that are near that you can sit and consume without paying...but you can't walk around the book store willy-nilly like you can with books.

Rule 2: Don't break the seal. Lots of magazines are in a plastic wrap...and I've never had the balls to break one open to read it/take the complimentary DVD/CD inside it. That said, there might be 6 copies of that magazine and inevitably someone with bigger stones than I has already opened it for the world to see.

Rule 3: You are a pervert. There is usually an "Adult" or even just a Mens section and it typically has the GQ's and Esquire's and devolves into the Maxim's. You'll also get the Playboy's, Penthouses, and the even more uhh erotic magazines. The bottom line? You can look at the GQ all you want and it might have a nice photo shoot of some Hollywood starlet but you don't want to be caught looking into even the Maxim while you're out in public. Why? Because you don't want a woman you like (or perhaps you're at a store with a woman) to see you looking at this magazine. She will think you're just being a pervert even though I think she is being a bit hypocritical because they (women) can read their Womens magazines with impunity where every they want.

Secrets to Mind Blowing Sex with Your Man is okay but looking at a chesty model...not okay.

Which leads me to my next point...airport magazine sales. Who is it that actually decides to buy a porn magazine in the airport. Besides the inevitable awkward exchange at the cash register...what do you actually plan on doing? On a transatlantic flight? Going to bust out your Jugg's Magazine next to the 67 year old Latvian woman sitting next to you?

Rule 4: When actually buying a magazine, you always pick the 2nd or 3rd magazine to the back. I don't like buying a magazine that has already been ravaged by readers. I like mine crisp and fresh.

Conundrum 1: There are these fashion magazines that are something like 35 dollars or more. I don't get it. Who actually buys these? Sometimes I think they're fashion and advertising magazines and one time I saw a "magazine" that cost 135 dollars. What the fuck?

Conundrum 2: Why does it seem like the European versions of the magazines I read here are so much better? The articles seem funnier and fresher. The mens magazines in Europe are full of nudity!! Bottom line is the British version of GQ seems more legitimate.

Lets Kick Some Ice

Too lazy to write. Must watch Videos...not be productive.



Also, my favorite episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000....well one of the top 5 at least. Good montage of riffs from the episode Space Mutiny. If you have never sat down and watched an episode of MST3K....I hate you.

They Showed Us How To Rock, They Taught us How to Love

Editors Note: Since I had to embed the AOL video it fucked up youtube embedding so I apologize for the multiple copies of the Monster Ballads Commercial in this post. Rather then scrap my brilliance I figured my loyal readers (all 5 of you) would just ignore this obvious aesthetic annoyance.

I've realized a lot of my posts are basically a Family Guy joke. I recall some incident in the past and then reflect on it. This post will be no different. The Monster Ballads commercial that dominated my youth is a CD collection that I would still buy today...albeit on iTunes.



Let us cut to the chase. Damn Yankees - High Enough....amazing song. Watch the music video...although for some reason I couldn't find it on youtube.

Watch more Damn Yankees videos on AOL Video

Now is Damn Yankees the greatest of a forgotten era of Supergroups? If you just watched the music video and were wondering "When did all time WWF/WWE great Shawn Michaels have time to perform in Damn Yankees while maintaining his relationship with Jesus and his prowess in Ladder Matches vs. Razor Ramon?" You'd be wrong! That Shawn Michaels wanna-be is actually Tommy Shaw whom you may know from the obnoxiously bad but good band Styx.

The thing that actually kills me in this music video is the constant scenes of Ted Nugent wailing on his guitar while simultaneously chewing gum and wearing those really shitty sun glasses that Brian Bosworth always wore and were really popular with dudes who liked to go "Tubing" back in the early 90's. His guitar is also of zebra print...which makes me believe that we are supposed to recognize that Nugent is a hunting super freak. Its absolutely true too...I watched one of his hunting videos and there is a scene in one where he shoots an arrow through a turkeys head.

Did I also mention that this music video has an alleged storyline. Think 'Aerosmith video that is loosely creating a storyline with former hottie Alicia Silverstone' except by hottie I mean some weird homoerotic police stakeout that turns into a shootout with Ted Nugent in a ZEBRA FUCKING PRINT Duster Jacket all the while laying down crunchy grooves on the unsuspecting police force. Right. It is worth noting that I actually really like this song as well.

If you missed it this weekend, some lady jumps into a Polar Bear exhibit in Germany and is attacked. The picture CNN ran in the article had me laughing my ass off. In fact they should have just had the headline "WOMAN ATTACKED BY POLAR BEAR" and just put the picture in. No article needed as it told me the story.


When animals usually attack, its funny. Especially when its people jumping into the cage of the potentially violent animal.

Here is another polar bear attack...well this time the woman decided to go past the first set of boundaries so she could get close to the bear and OH NO!!!



Me personally, I blame TV for this. For years Coca-Cola has sold us the fairy tale that polar bears not only love the same crisp delicious beverage that I love, but that they are huggable and yes....EVEN LOVABLE. We all know polar bears are killers...especially that one that is stuck swimming in the ocean forever because the ice has melted and he can't find a place to rest.

More Bitter Rants

Fuck You Lady in Subway Line

Let me be clear about one thing. Everyone at some point who has lived in the United States for more than a year has been to a Subway. The fucking menu is not complicated nor is it some great mystery. So why do you start your sandwich order and immediately after saying what bread you want, you now decide to become Zen Master of sandwich ordering? I'm on my lunch break motherfucker...I don't want to sit there in line while you contemplate the wonders of onions or no onions. Secondly, don't be a fucking dick when you're ordering. I hate when someone orders something and the sandwich artist asks them if they want Tomatoes and they say yes, then they comply with the order of tomatoes and then the purchaser has a change of heart and is like, "OH WAIT NO SORRY TAKE THOSE OFF!" Lastly the dudes making the subs wear plastic gloves. One dude just got done making another sandwich and this vapid cunt came up in line wearing a stupid ass blue tooth headset chatting away and the first thing she says to the dude is "Change your gloves" in the snottiest and most condescending way. If I was smart I would have slapped her in the face, took the earpiece from her head, smashed it, and then said don't be a bitch.

Road/Flight Trip Option?

Just watched a documentary called 'Kicking It' on Hulu about the Homeless World Cup. Sounds pretty fun. Anyone want to go next year?

New Year's Eve

I have never had a truly awe inspiring new years eve. Don't get me wrong...I've had fun with New Years in the past. But I've never had one of those awe inspiring wow moments where Auld Lang Syne is playing with drunken revelers singing along and confetti is pouring from the ceilings and something awesome is happening. This needs to change.

Coming Soon

Live Blog/Detailed Film Study of Back to the Future Part I, II, and III

CHECK THIS OUT:

We Have Your Motherfuckin Record Company Surrounded

I have some interesting news. Today I decided to eat at Sizzler. I've never been there before and all I knew was that its often used as a punchline in regards to shitty/sub standard food. I'm happy to report that Sizzler was fucking good. I like me a salad bar and this salad bar was well stocked, not dirty as fuck, and the greens were quite green. All good signs. I got a salad bar, fruit, soup, and a 6 oz. steak (which left something to be desired) for 10 dollars. I also got a drink. So yeah, good deal!! I'm firmly a pro-Sizzler person now.

Let me Ride, Just another Homicide

Also if you haven't started already, the actual real news and reviews wing of The Onion which is the AV Club is a fucking great site so please everyone start going there and laughing. Also the hockey season is coming to a close and Minnesota is not going to make the playoffs. I don't really ever blog about my sports related obsessions but needless to say, Minnesota sucking all year upsets more than AIDS.

Round 42

Recent things that I find extremely annoying:

1. People who are driving a car in the United States but have a European Union registration plate either on the car or have the EU plate on but with a California plate covering part of the EU plate. There are only a couple reasons why you would have this on your car. One, you just moved to the united states and paid to have your car shipped over here from Europe and haven't been here long enough to get down to the DMV to register for valid California plates. If that is the case I'm giving you a pass. If you've lived here longer than 3 weeks though...go fuck yourself. Don't own a fucking screw driver so you'll put your US plate over the EU plate...fuck you. I mean lets be honest...the only reason why you would keep the EU plate on is because you think it looks cooler and sends off the whole "OHHH LOOK AT ME, I AM CULTURED AND GO TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND DRIVE OTHER PLACES" vibe. Your Volvo station wagon makes you look like a douche, no need to further push the boundaries of all things douche (No offense to all those Volvo owners, they are a safe and dependable car it was just the most recent offender that I saw).

2. The New York Times pushes the boundaries of annoying pretentious shit all the time. Their latest offense you ask? With a headline like: THE SUDDEN CHARM OF PUBLIC SCHOOL you know it was going to be good.

The crux of the article? Back when our roaring economy was soaring like an eagle of freedom rich people could buy houses wherever and send their children to elite private schools! Now with this recession people are shocked to find out that when it comes to public schools, DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU LIVE, YOU MIGHT HAVE TO SEND YOUR KID TO A SHITTIER SCHOOL!!! WOW!!!! What will these parents do? Well the logical thing is just send your kid to a public school like everyone else does....what do they actually do? How about renting another property in a zone with a better public school just so you can gain residency in that neighborhood while simultaneously living in your other home. OH DESPAIR YE NEW YORK TIMES READER!!! With quotes like,

“We bought our apartment in 2004,” she said, “and like most new parents we never even thought about the public school zoning issues. We just assumed our son would go to private school.”

“I will certainly consider some alternative way to game the system by gaining a different address,” said the man, who asked to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. “This is my child, who is a really smart kid, and he’s not going to my crummy zoned school. That’s just not going to happen.”

When he and his wife bought their $1.6 million six-room apartment a year and a half ago, they had envisioned his alma mater, a prestigious private school, as the place to send their son. . He and his wife both still have jobs and could probably scrape together the tuition. But their financial optimism has dimmed.

It's no wonder why I hate everyone. Now for the most groan inducing fucking excerpt from the entire fucking article.

Moreover, whereas “saying you’re interested in sending your kids to public schools used to be a taboo among a certain group of people,” Ms. Braddock said. “Now it’s actually kind of cool and in vogue.”

Hear that everyone? I went to a public school and survived...I'm fucking cool and in vouge now. I went to a preschool that was held in a church basement. I'm guessing it wasn't very expensive. Now there are preschools that charge more for a year than my first year of college. Its fucking preschool...you finger paint and drink juice...you don't read Russian literature and debate the merits of stem cell research over a dinner of foie gras. Its often a joke on Colbert about the East Coast liberal Elite...well sometimes this demographic actually exists and it makes me want to punch a baby kitten in its stomach.

For reference the article can be found here: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/05/realestate/05Cov.html?pagewanted=1

3. There are 3 types of people who ride bikes in Southern California.

-The ones who do it out of neccesity because they don't own a car. (You're cool)
-The people who own beach cruisers and like to ride around for fun. (You're also usually cool)
-The people who own a 6000 dollar track bike and wear spandex uniforms to ride up and down San Vicente thinking you're in the tour de france. (NOT FUCKING COOL)

April Fools

Or how about fuck you. April Fools is worthless.

-This blog post is soundtracked by MGMT - Future Reflections

Personally I think this song is better if it was listened to in the fall. October/Novemberish while I'm driving around campus with the windows down and bright orange leaves falling to the ground and being blown about. This of course is completely fantasy because I don't own a car, am not in college, and never ever had this happen to me....but false nostalgia is the best nostalgia in my opinion.

Lastly, there are a couple incidents of Japanese guys who either were in such isolation/loyalty to their country that they never surrendered until years later. Now this created a bit of a stir in Japan as both a great reminder of the power of nationalism and their loyalty to their country but also kind of fucking weird if you're in the jungle for 20 years not getting any orders and just sitting around thinking the war may or may not be going on. This brings me to my next point....Johnny Quest (The New Adventures of). A few years ago I was watching this show and their was this episode where Johnny Quest goes into the forest in the New England area and either through some sort of time travel fuck or something, the American Revolution is still being fought and people think its still going on.

In concept, this sounds kind of dumb...but I really like it. In fact I'd like to think that some place in some isolated island at some point "modern" civilization hit the island but then left cutting off the people so they have this crystalized moment of popular culture. On this island they were indoctrinated to the ways and culture of whomever originally stopped by and stayed for a few years but no longer progressed from the outside and merely grew organically from the inside. To give a hypothetical situation, well, you can get probably 2 situations. One is a 'Blast From the Past' (Brendan Fraser movie) esque situation where someone gets stuck in one time period and doesn't progress past a certain point. For this isolated group of people then it could always be the 1880's. Huge mustaches never went out of fashion and no one knows what the fuck antibiotics are. More intersting would be at a certain point the outside influence of say the United States stops, but from their a new hybridized version continues. So lets say this island gets lots of American pop culture up through the 50's. Looking purely at music you could say that Elvis at his peak hits and you get lots of good jazz and all that but then you cut them off and from their does rock and roll progress on its own but now in some weird fucking new form?

Do we come back in 30 years and find that its traced a similar but obviously different path? Did any of what I just said make sense?? San Dimas High School Football Rules?!