HOLY SHIT

I'm at work right...I just did one post but I had to post this now. I am sitting at the desk where I work and they have a TV hooked up. I promised you all a critical film study on Encino Man but I was really not in the mood to talk about it...much....at all! Then I turn it to TBS and what movie is fucking playing?! ENCINO MAN

SO ANYWAYS I TUNE IN TO SEE MY FAVORITE SCENE. Said Encino Man Brendan Fraser has already slightly assimilated in early 90's southern California Culture. He is currently a drain on Public Education as he is attending school and they are at a museum. As fate would have it they enter an exhibit (perhaps this was a Science Museum) where there are cavemen displays and it points out how they went extinct. Like a Vietnam Veteran scarred from actions and events that would make and do indeed make grown men cry, Mr. Encino Man starts to have flashbacks/memories that are indeed haunting. This small attempt at humanizing our caveman friend are largely forgotten as the movie progresses though. Instead we as an audience are pummeled with hilarious one liners from Paulie Shore aka THE WEASEL.

I really want to thank Hollywood and TBS and everyone else who made this post possible. Perhaps there are more Encino Man musings on the horizon.

Running Zack

Running Zack. This might not mean a lot to most of you, but it means a great deal to me. Running Zack is the name of one of the greatest Saved by the Bell episodes of all time. Zack Morris is good at track, but to be able to compete against their arch rival high school Valley, he must get a good grade on his report. His report is about family history and he finds out he is part Indian. So Zack meets Chief Henry. Fun is had by all....did I mention Chief Henry dies in the episode and Zack is visited by his ghost.

Right, so I just googled Running Zack in the midst of writing this and I've found others have commented on this episode. I guess I'm not as original or clever as I thought.

Anyhow, my favorite part about Saved by the Bell is that despite their hatred for Valley, you basically never saw any sporting events actually occur. There was the odd wrestling match and for some reason wrestling was very popular at this California high school...but otherwise you never actually saw any athletics occur. Tragic. I'd like to point out also that Bayside also has an elevator in the school that is used once...but only as a plot device for people get trapped in it via earthquake. THE MORE YOU KNOW

California Dreamin'

I was in the family sedan with the family on the way home from a Thanksgiving feast and we had it tuned into the Oldies Station. Shitty. What wasn't shitty was the Mama's and The Papa's song "California Dreamin" came on. Great song....it also made me realize that what we need more of are FLUTE SOLO'S. We all have heard guitar solos, drum solos, why not Flute?!

Louis Gossett Jr.

Try story, this guy is still alive and working. Actually according to IMDB he is working rather healthily and I praise him. Hes doing voice work in a lot of things which is cool. The point of this post though isn't to reminise about how great Gossett has been...but rather to expose some of the low points in his career. Ok not even that. This is just to make fun of the Iron Eagle series and the movie Toy Soliders.

Iron Eagle came out in 1986. A weak wannabe Top Gun that didn't have the budget that Top Gun had and basically was not good. It was a laughable 80's film. Here is where things get funny though. Top Gun spawned no sequels...Iron Eagle spawned 3 more movies! By Iron Eagle III we're dealing with prop planes attacking other planes to stop some random drug lord...or something. Its fucking terrible. Louis Gossett Jr. has an Oscar also. Why does this matter? Because its probably one of the few Oscars that the Academy wishes they could take back.

The other movie I want to talk about is Toy Soldiers. Toy Soldiers is a harrowing tale of a prep school for boys being taken over by Colombian terrorists. I just saw this on tv today and the first thing that blew my mind was this movie clearly had some sort of budget. There is a big action set piece at the end and it had multiple blackhawk helicopters and an Apache helo too. The movie turns into a kind of Great Escape adolescent teen film where the kids come up with multiple "Macgyver" like contraptions and traps to outwit the terrorists. This movie even has Sean Astin in it. So where does the LOU man fit in? Well he is the hardass teacher Dean Parker. Instead of summarizing the movie I'm going to ruin it for you. The head terrorist dies when Lou jumps through a window and shoots the terrorist but not before getting shot right in the left lung. The best part about it though is that Gossett just shrugs the gun shot off. He is shot in the left lung and he is able to walk out with just a bandage over his wound. True American Hero Folks.

An Open Letter

Supposed to be doing a paper...so instead I'll blog. I present you an Open Letter to Robin Williams:

Dear Mr. Williams,

Stop being in movies and polluting our lives. The only thing more frightening than your hyper insane rants on late night talk shows that are a cross between a coke induced fervor and the mumblings of that homeless guy who hangs out around campus is that you are way hairier than that homeless guy. You on occasion manage to entertain, but then I realize you did Bicentennial Man and it makes me hate you again. I'll admit, I liked you in The Birdcage. Awakenings was pretty good too. So let me say that this is not an outright hate fest directed at you. I also hear you are a big videogame nerd...which is cool. Oh damnit this is turning into an apologist letter...so to get back to where I was I don't like you being the freaky photo guy. I don't like you being the wacky doctor. I certainly didn't like how the previews for License to Wed looked as they were plastered all over LA when I visited last time. What I'm trying to say is when are we getting the sequel to your movie Toys?

Also time for a brief confession. I while working at Blockbuster often read US Weekly. That magazine was actually pretty awesome in that my favorite part of every new US weekly was obviously the "THEY'RE JUST LIKE US" in which celebrities are photographed 24/7 and at some point during this constant surveillance it turns out they do things just like the common scum like myself who read it. Things like "JENNIFER ANISTON IS JUST LIKE US BECAUSE SHE CLUTCHES A PAPER UNDER HER ARM WHILE OPENING HER CAR DOOR." She is also just like us in that her car costs 92,000 dollars and she lives in a 9 million dollar Malibu mansion half the year! Or maybe its something like "THAT CHICK FROM THE OC DRINKS BIG COFFEES FROM STARBUCKS JUST LIKE US!!!" Its pretty illuminating. As it turns out celebrities aren't robots....well except Howie Mandel...that guy is a robot.

P.S. Dear Landlord,

Turn the heat up or I will die.

Lazy

I'm not really feeling the whole Encino Man vibe at this point. So I'm going to avoid doing it for a few more days. In its place I first give you a link to a Kids In The Hall skit that I am very fond of. If you don't like this one....we cannot be friends: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlJey3mi8BI

I think the most stunning news in the last few weeks though is that the terrible sitcom Cavemen has yet to be canceled. The sitcom based on the Geico commercials...weird right? Well actually I've never watched an episode yet so I may be completely off base. I had made a Cancellation Watch Countdown on my wall and I did not expect this show to make it past 3 episodes yet it is still chugging along valiantly.

I would also like to point out that I basically never go to music concerts. I don't like to shatter the illusion of a perfect studio recording. That said I am waiting for the Beastie Boys to start going on tour again. They've been half assing it way too long. They go do 14 shows in Manhattan and then 5 on the West Coast...but thats it. Boo-urns. Guitar Hero 3 and me playing Sabotage is getting me hyped on the eventual return of the Beastie Boys to play in concert somewhere in the twin cities area.

Lastly, I have a complaint to make. In the theatrical release of Knocked Up at the very beginning there were several jokes involving nudity in movies. One in particular referenced the three breasted alien in Total Recall. The line "DAMNIT COHAGEN GIVE THESE PEOPLE AIR" was stated by Jason Segel who's character is named Jason in that movie. You may know him from such tv series as How I met Your Mother, Undeclared, and or Freaks and Geeks. So he says that line, which really kills me...because I have an unhealthy obsession with Total Recall...and now on the fucking DVD release they CUT THE FUCKING JOKE OUT!!! I'm pretty much outraged at this...how can you cut out THAT JOKE?!?! WHY WHY WHY?!!?! I will personally draft a angry letter and mail it to Judd Apatow.

American Spirit Cigarettes

You know who buys those cigarettes? HIPPIES!!! This is the fair trade coffee of the cigarette world.

Just kidding. I mean if you buy them that is cool, I don't actually hate you. This was just filler since I really didn't feel like writing my dissertation on Encino Man yet. So there we have it.