Okay so I think there is one or maybe two people who read this blog. This one is for you.
I just moved back to Los Angeles recently and comically I'm taking the bus and walking more than I did in Minnesota despite the fact that this is a 'car' city.
And oh boy do I have a lot of fun bus stories in the few weeks I've been here. To start, in much sadder news I only a week in to living in California had to fly back to Minnesota because a friend of mine from college suddenly passed away. That sucked. But when I came back from that flight the first thing greeting me outside the airpot at the bus depot at LAX was a homeless woman walking towards me, stopping about 10 feet away, pulling her pants down about half way, half squatting, and just pissing right in the open. I laughed at the time but really its fucking deeply depressing. There are approximately 90,000 homeless people in Los Angeles. That's practically the size of the town I grew up in made entirely of homeless people. Also in about a month I've seen three homeless people pissing in public very openly.
Anyways bus stories. Just last night a very drunk gay man and an older woman got in to an argument. He was stumbling around a bit and decided to lay down on one of the bench seats of the bus. He was getting to close to the woman's personal space and she started yelling really loud at him. The great part about this was the bus was only about 1/4th filled but immediately everyone else in the bus shared that knowing glance that only people who ride a lot of public transit understand. It was one part "here we go again" aka some fucked up shit is about to go down and one part "this is kind of funny." I looked at an older latino man and a homeless white dude. These types of things transcend race, religion, and age. We all knew it was funny.
In another situation around rush hour on a packed as fuck Metro 704 bus ride in to Hollywood a woman yelled at another woman that her talking on her phone was too loud and she needs to be quiet. Let me allow you time to guess how that went over.........................GUESS WHAT, NOT WELL. They started yelling at each other for about 20 minutes on a packed bus ride. It wasn't particularly funny, just very annoying.
In another incident I was sitting in front of an older woman who was quiet for about half the bus ride. The other half she just started yelling a lot and coughing directly on my neck. I decided to make an audio recording of this shit. It's about seven minutes but if you don't want to listen to the whole thing just skip to 3:10 to hear the woman's rendition of 'Sweet Dreams' by the Eurythmics. http://dl.dropbox.com/u/15241473/20120306%20223500.m4a
I hope I'm not coming off as taking pleasure in others misfortunes but when you're riding the bus at 12:30am you do have to find humor in this shit or else you'll just cry. Also it's really fucking annoying when a dude comes on the bus with a huge garbage bag filled with plastic bottles and cans and its leaking every where. NO ONE LIKES THAT SHIT.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
The Other Sister
If I told you there was a film that had Tom Skerritt, Diane Keaton, Giovanni Ribisi, and Juliette Lewis together....you'd probably just based on cast have to believe it would be at least of workman like competency, right? What if I told you it was directed by Garry Marshall who is currently churning out holiday related films with ensemble casts that have so much star wattage that they literally molest your eyes?
What if I told you the plot was two mentally challenged people finding love? Wait, what?
First off I went to Youtube and was surprised at the volume of Other Sister clips there are. Secondly, this is not a very good film. It is workman like. It would be easy to ridicule this film and the last thing I want to do is insult people who did their best, but man, this is not a fun movie to watch. You are truly in luck though as I have actually watched the whole damn movie. Why? Because I hate myself.
Garry Marshall also directed Pretty Woman. One thing I never understood about Pretty Woman is why we don't think Richard Gere's character in the film is a piece of shit. I don't want to start an ideological argument about the merits of prostitution but let me put it this way. In a social vacuum I'm fine with prostitution. A person exchange money for sex or even just companionship is fine with me. The problem is we do not live in a social vacuum. The people who find themselves selling their body often do so because of awful extenuating circumstances. The people who surround this environment often are not good people. And the types of people who prey on such people are also bad people. So as a whole I will say that prostitution in general is a negative in society. Why are we okay with Gere paying this woman lots of money just to hang with him then? He knows nothing about her...other than perhaps she cares about her dental hygiene.
He doesn't know enough to make value judgements on her but he is contributing in long and short to ensuring that (let's assume he does not fall in love with her but merely she hangs out with him for the week) she stays on the streets of Los Angeles looking for her next 'john'. The opportunities for violence to befall her are high given her occupation and the area she lives and works in.
One other thing that goes unexplored is what happens to Jason Alexanders character? Why weren't the cops called? He did in fact try to rape Julia Roberts character.
What if I told you the plot was two mentally challenged people finding love? Wait, what?
First off I went to Youtube and was surprised at the volume of Other Sister clips there are. Secondly, this is not a very good film. It is workman like. It would be easy to ridicule this film and the last thing I want to do is insult people who did their best, but man, this is not a fun movie to watch. You are truly in luck though as I have actually watched the whole damn movie. Why? Because I hate myself.
Garry Marshall also directed Pretty Woman. One thing I never understood about Pretty Woman is why we don't think Richard Gere's character in the film is a piece of shit. I don't want to start an ideological argument about the merits of prostitution but let me put it this way. In a social vacuum I'm fine with prostitution. A person exchange money for sex or even just companionship is fine with me. The problem is we do not live in a social vacuum. The people who find themselves selling their body often do so because of awful extenuating circumstances. The people who surround this environment often are not good people. And the types of people who prey on such people are also bad people. So as a whole I will say that prostitution in general is a negative in society. Why are we okay with Gere paying this woman lots of money just to hang with him then? He knows nothing about her...other than perhaps she cares about her dental hygiene.
He doesn't know enough to make value judgements on her but he is contributing in long and short to ensuring that (let's assume he does not fall in love with her but merely she hangs out with him for the week) she stays on the streets of Los Angeles looking for her next 'john'. The opportunities for violence to befall her are high given her occupation and the area she lives and works in.
One other thing that goes unexplored is what happens to Jason Alexanders character? Why weren't the cops called? He did in fact try to rape Julia Roberts character.
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Guide to Opening Boutique Clothing Store (Hip Edition)
First off you need to have a minimalist approach. The less items that appear to be on sale the better. Don't have any traditional clothing racks. My concept. All the clothes are mashed in a dressers spread throughout the store. They'll all be smashed in their and wrinkled to all hell. No fucking price tags on those either. You bring them up to the check out and then you find out the price. It's all part of the shaming you into buying shit when you don't want to because its way too expensive experience.
The floors will be wood. There will be a single really uncomfortable chair at the front of the store and instead of a table you'll have a tree stump. On top of that tree stump will be vintage Playboy issues. The reason for this is that you can appear edgy but also ironic in one simple stroke. You will want to sell shoes there but this is where you have to decide what type of business you're getting in to. You either cater to the sneaker freak type people who will pay 800 dollars for a limited release Nike Dunk, or you go for the less enthusiast, but still cares about their shoes because you have hand crafted leather work boots that that go for 350 but will be worn by a man who has never lifted a hammer and couldn't tell you the difference between an impact drill and a band saw. Be sure to stock plenty of van's slip ons though. Those are good for both sexes.
The dressing room will be a claw foot bathtub and a circular shower curtain. Though the store can hold 18 people comfortably every Wednesday night the store should host a dance party after hours where DJ NBA JAM will spin records until the wee hours where 40 people will uncomfortably sweat and grind one another.
You will have a stuffed deer head mounted on the wall. You will have a big mouth billy bass on the wall. You will also have a picture of a young Pamela Anderson posing. Keep HR Giger off these walls.
And you don't have plastic bags. If you buy merchandise you roll their clothes in bubble wrap and hand it to them.
I do consulting. 400/hr.
The floors will be wood. There will be a single really uncomfortable chair at the front of the store and instead of a table you'll have a tree stump. On top of that tree stump will be vintage Playboy issues. The reason for this is that you can appear edgy but also ironic in one simple stroke. You will want to sell shoes there but this is where you have to decide what type of business you're getting in to. You either cater to the sneaker freak type people who will pay 800 dollars for a limited release Nike Dunk, or you go for the less enthusiast, but still cares about their shoes because you have hand crafted leather work boots that that go for 350 but will be worn by a man who has never lifted a hammer and couldn't tell you the difference between an impact drill and a band saw. Be sure to stock plenty of van's slip ons though. Those are good for both sexes.
The dressing room will be a claw foot bathtub and a circular shower curtain. Though the store can hold 18 people comfortably every Wednesday night the store should host a dance party after hours where DJ NBA JAM will spin records until the wee hours where 40 people will uncomfortably sweat and grind one another.
You will have a stuffed deer head mounted on the wall. You will have a big mouth billy bass on the wall. You will also have a picture of a young Pamela Anderson posing. Keep HR Giger off these walls.
And you don't have plastic bags. If you buy merchandise you roll their clothes in bubble wrap and hand it to them.
I do consulting. 400/hr.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Let Us Not Have Cows
There is a growing trend in the social media world to post a picture of yourself when you were a baby. I don't do that bullshit. Don't get me wrong, it is fascinating to see what someone looked like when they were young, but ultimately unless you get super skinny or super fat you are basically just yourself but smaller. I think its a real cop out really. If I'm trying to stalk you (yes I said stalk) then I want to see YOU.
Let's not kid ourselves. We stalk people technologically now. People put pictures of themselves doing cool stuff on facebook so others can enjoy. But we all do it too so we can say, "Hey, look at me, I'm out doing cool and interesting stuff and you should like me." I mean...no one posts pictures of themselves abusing animals even if they were genuinely interested in abusing animals. The reason is because they want to appear outwardly that their lives are good and they are in control.
The first 50 seconds of the Social Network trailer sum up everything about Facebook.
Getting back to ME, since this is MY blog. I genuinely like seeing what other people are up to in their lives. Seeing where they are, where they're going, what they're up to. So I guess I'm a 21st century stalker. It also creates interesting and weird situations where you feel like you know a person well even if you haven't talked to them in months. It does let you be a good internet detective if you read between the lines of what people say though.
I'm actually thinking about opening my own business. It would be a photography studio that deals exclusively in profile pictures for all varieties of pictures but its all for Facebook and your Twitter pic and what not. The whole point is we go to places and stage social activities. We would do makeup, we would do lighting, we would do very extreme setups but the whole point is that they all appear candid. SO we'd intentionally have a bit too much of a flash, but it would be controlled so you don't over light and then highlight all your blemishes. And we'd make sure you're appearing to be just looking at the camera after someone called your name but in reality its all very controlled so we avoid giving you a double chin and a weird smile. I'm going to be rich.
Getting back to the baby pictures. Its fine if you've just had a baby and want to post baby pictures. I've given up really. I get it. Once you have a kid it takes over your every waking moment. I MUST EARN MONEY TO PROVIDE FOR BABY. MUST FEED BABY. MUST CHANGE BABY. BABY IS HALF ME SO WHEN IT SAYS SOMETHING FUNNY I AM BEING FUNNY. BABY BABY BABY. I get it. So i'm not going to get pissed when you make your profile picture a baby photograph of your own child. But if you make your profile picture a photo of you when you were two in front of your birthday cake I won't stand for it. I WANT THE GRITTY DIRTY TRUTH!!! For real. Now if you don't mind, I need to go make sure I don't have any baby pictures of my own or else I'll be Mr. Hypocrite.
Let's not kid ourselves. We stalk people technologically now. People put pictures of themselves doing cool stuff on facebook so others can enjoy. But we all do it too so we can say, "Hey, look at me, I'm out doing cool and interesting stuff and you should like me." I mean...no one posts pictures of themselves abusing animals even if they were genuinely interested in abusing animals. The reason is because they want to appear outwardly that their lives are good and they are in control.
The first 50 seconds of the Social Network trailer sum up everything about Facebook.
Getting back to ME, since this is MY blog. I genuinely like seeing what other people are up to in their lives. Seeing where they are, where they're going, what they're up to. So I guess I'm a 21st century stalker. It also creates interesting and weird situations where you feel like you know a person well even if you haven't talked to them in months. It does let you be a good internet detective if you read between the lines of what people say though.
I'm actually thinking about opening my own business. It would be a photography studio that deals exclusively in profile pictures for all varieties of pictures but its all for Facebook and your Twitter pic and what not. The whole point is we go to places and stage social activities. We would do makeup, we would do lighting, we would do very extreme setups but the whole point is that they all appear candid. SO we'd intentionally have a bit too much of a flash, but it would be controlled so you don't over light and then highlight all your blemishes. And we'd make sure you're appearing to be just looking at the camera after someone called your name but in reality its all very controlled so we avoid giving you a double chin and a weird smile. I'm going to be rich.
Getting back to the baby pictures. Its fine if you've just had a baby and want to post baby pictures. I've given up really. I get it. Once you have a kid it takes over your every waking moment. I MUST EARN MONEY TO PROVIDE FOR BABY. MUST FEED BABY. MUST CHANGE BABY. BABY IS HALF ME SO WHEN IT SAYS SOMETHING FUNNY I AM BEING FUNNY. BABY BABY BABY. I get it. So i'm not going to get pissed when you make your profile picture a baby photograph of your own child. But if you make your profile picture a photo of you when you were two in front of your birthday cake I won't stand for it. I WANT THE GRITTY DIRTY TRUTH!!! For real. Now if you don't mind, I need to go make sure I don't have any baby pictures of my own or else I'll be Mr. Hypocrite.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
In My Dream I Am Dying
Forecasting 2012's Up And Coming Trends:
Bold Prediction 1: Fred Armisen Will play an instrument in 2012
Bold Prediction 2: Women will be asked to lose even more weight to meet the unattainable standards that society sets. And I will continue to agree with these awful sexist standards.
Trend Watch 1: Dubstep will become over exposed by March.
Trend Watch 2: Chicks shaving their heads
Bold Prediction 3: Coneheads is rebooted as a 3D CGI family comedy.
Bold Prediction 4: I will begin writing a status update with very direct references to pornography consumption but then never post it fearing that the few family members who I have friended on facebook will be reading it.
Trend Watch 3: Ironic beards will die out. Ironic really long fingernails are in.
Trend Watch 4: People will begin adamantly insisting that The Simpsons is back to its early years form.
Bold Prediction 5: The Baha Men will make a return to the top of the charts with 'Who Let the Dogs Out II?' in a clear homage to Guns n' Roses Use Your Illusion II record album.
Trend Watch 5: I will be wearing sweat pants more as I continue to get fatter.
Bold Prediction 6: Shannyn Sossamon will finally marry me.
Bold Prediction 1: Fred Armisen Will play an instrument in 2012
Bold Prediction 2: Women will be asked to lose even more weight to meet the unattainable standards that society sets. And I will continue to agree with these awful sexist standards.
Trend Watch 1: Dubstep will become over exposed by March.
Trend Watch 2: Chicks shaving their heads
Bold Prediction 3: Coneheads is rebooted as a 3D CGI family comedy.
Bold Prediction 4: I will begin writing a status update with very direct references to pornography consumption but then never post it fearing that the few family members who I have friended on facebook will be reading it.
Trend Watch 3: Ironic beards will die out. Ironic really long fingernails are in.
Trend Watch 4: People will begin adamantly insisting that The Simpsons is back to its early years form.
Bold Prediction 5: The Baha Men will make a return to the top of the charts with 'Who Let the Dogs Out II?' in a clear homage to Guns n' Roses Use Your Illusion II record album.
Trend Watch 5: I will be wearing sweat pants more as I continue to get fatter.
Bold Prediction 6: Shannyn Sossamon will finally marry me.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
New Years Eve
Last night I was standing with the love of my life as snow flakes slowly drifted downwards from the sky. The calm that pervaded the city streets as we silently enjoyed those last fleeting moments of 2011. We embraced with a kiss as the clock struck midnight.
That is exactly what has never happened. Something closer would be me standing in First Ave. with a few friends yelling incoherently as the massive quantities of alcohol I ingested are slowing working their magic. My eyes are red and dialating and everyone I look at it starting to look more and more attractive even if they're disgusting piles of garbage. On the plus side it was worth flipping 10 dollars for a coat check.
CUE OBLIGATORY NEW YEARS DAY SONGS:
That is exactly what has never happened. Something closer would be me standing in First Ave. with a few friends yelling incoherently as the massive quantities of alcohol I ingested are slowing working their magic. My eyes are red and dialating and everyone I look at it starting to look more and more attractive even if they're disgusting piles of garbage. On the plus side it was worth flipping 10 dollars for a coat check.
CUE OBLIGATORY NEW YEARS DAY SONGS:
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