Really FUNNY
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
It is earth day. Today we celebrate our mother gaia who provides all we need as we nestle in her bosom.
Honestly though, who really cares about this so called "EARTH?" What we're all really wondering is when will television remake Bosom Buddies for the 21st century? Originally starring Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari this hilarious romp of a sitcom was about two guys who were kicked out of their old apartment after its demolished, find a place that only rents to women (for a good price), and so they do the obvious thing. Pretend to be women and live there!
My idea for retooling it though would add a bit of 'spice' to the whole thing. It would still be about two guys who move in to a womens only apartment complex. Only this time one of the guys is GAY!!! The gay guy is works for an advertising firm. I'd set Bosom Buddies 2.0 in Seattle. The other guy would be a smart handsome african american lawyer. Early on in the first season the ruse of dressing up as women would be exposed but they would be allowed to stay. The rest of the first season would be about all the women in the apartment building trying to court the handsome lawyer and the gay roommate trying to set him up with all the women. OH THE FUNNIES THAT WOULD HAPPEN!
Season one would end on a cliffhanger where a new owner moves in and not only is he racist and openly homophobic, but he plans on kicking out Ms. Parker (the widow who's apartment has been under rent control for years) because she doesn't pay enough rent!! The boys and ladies concoct a crazy scheme that ultimately fails, but teaches the new owner the meaning of tolerance and good will. Ms. Parker gets to stay and even gets to keep her old dog Betsy (a beagle) who would always bark at the new owner. In the finale Tom Hanks shows up as the angry owner and ultimately wins an Emmy for Best Comedic Guest Star role...or whatever that category is called.
Honestly though, who really cares about this so called "EARTH?" What we're all really wondering is when will television remake Bosom Buddies for the 21st century? Originally starring Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari this hilarious romp of a sitcom was about two guys who were kicked out of their old apartment after its demolished, find a place that only rents to women (for a good price), and so they do the obvious thing. Pretend to be women and live there!
My idea for retooling it though would add a bit of 'spice' to the whole thing. It would still be about two guys who move in to a womens only apartment complex. Only this time one of the guys is GAY!!! The gay guy is works for an advertising firm. I'd set Bosom Buddies 2.0 in Seattle. The other guy would be a smart handsome african american lawyer. Early on in the first season the ruse of dressing up as women would be exposed but they would be allowed to stay. The rest of the first season would be about all the women in the apartment building trying to court the handsome lawyer and the gay roommate trying to set him up with all the women. OH THE FUNNIES THAT WOULD HAPPEN!
Season one would end on a cliffhanger where a new owner moves in and not only is he racist and openly homophobic, but he plans on kicking out Ms. Parker (the widow who's apartment has been under rent control for years) because she doesn't pay enough rent!! The boys and ladies concoct a crazy scheme that ultimately fails, but teaches the new owner the meaning of tolerance and good will. Ms. Parker gets to stay and even gets to keep her old dog Betsy (a beagle) who would always bark at the new owner. In the finale Tom Hanks shows up as the angry owner and ultimately wins an Emmy for Best Comedic Guest Star role...or whatever that category is called.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I'm Starting A Band
YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FOLKS. For far too long there have been bands. Bands that I'm not in! My main goals of starting a band are to become insanely famous and make a lot of money. I need to have a easily marketable band though. I'll be using the Pitchfork Aesthetic for maximum "cred." I'm also going to use Arcade Fire as a template. I need a large band that has both male and female members and I definitely need multiple races in the band.
1. Cute but not too sexy lead female vocalist. The girl has to be undeniably attractive but not so attractive that she is Victoria's Secret intimidating to guys. I will say she should be a mega mix of races. I'll say she is part German, French, English, Chinese girl who was born in Hawaii but lived in Nice (That's France folks) until she was 13 when her well to do mother divorced her father and moved to New York. She lived in New York until she was 19. She now lives in Silver Lake. She is 26 years old. On stage she will be known for the head gear she wears. She is partial to the ushanka (those fur russian hats) but as the set progresses and everyone gets hotter she will shed the ushanka in favor of something lighter like a throwback NBA hat such that sports the Charlotte Hornets logo.
2. Lead male vocalist should be a gruff but affable fellow. He will always be sporting some sort of peculiar facial hair that no man who works a standard 9-5 job would be able to have.....unless your 9-5 job was being a railroad baron from the late 1800's. He will be a smart young capable man who attended Sarah Lawrence for 2 years before dropping out. I'd hope he has bright shiny red hair. This band will be going for a mish-mash of clothing styles so it doesn't really matter what he wears. I'd imagine it jumps between openly embracing late 80's hip-hop and occasionally a 1920's barber.
3. 'THAT DUDE WHO PLAYS VIOLIN' Yeah I'll have that guy. He'll be back up harmonizing vocals when there isn't a violin part to the song (and often there is not) and when he's not harmonizing he'll be part of the wacky stage show presence. In lulls in the songs he will take a air cannon and shoot out t-shirts from the stage.
4. Two Girls Who Do Percussion - Its worth noting that these girls are sisters. They are separated by 7 years but they will have matching tattoos. The older girl will be the drummer and the younger sister will be whatever percussion fills need to be for the song. That could be a xylophone, weird wind chimes, tambourine, or what have you.
5. 'That Older Dude Who Could be Everyone's Dad' The older guy who seems like he is double everyones age in the band will be on bass. This is a guy who is somewhat of a journeyman. He's been in dozens of bands spanning various genres. He wasn't even supposed to be in the band but our original bass player who was my old college roommate dropped out of the band because he got this girl Sheila pregnant in Boston so he couldn't play the gig. The guy is completely gray but he can still rock and when we get our first interviews in the big rock mags he'll marvel on how fate brought him to this band and how he can't keep up with the young kids. He'll be known for dressing like a guy from Mad men would dress and he'll constantly remind us on the road how fame is fleeting. He will always be reading some stupid dime store novel on the tour bus.
6. 'That Piano Guy' The guy who plays piano on some of our songs.
7. 'The DJ' The girl who spins and scratches for our huge medley songs...she has to be a mysterious girl. In fact she is an ex-model but she will always wear hoodies and huge ski goggles to conceal her face. The point is fans/audiences will never know who she is.
8. Me - I play the recorder. I can play 'hot cross buns'.
The band name will be Nishihara Station. Our first album title will be Appear to Vindicate Thee.
1. Cute but not too sexy lead female vocalist. The girl has to be undeniably attractive but not so attractive that she is Victoria's Secret intimidating to guys. I will say she should be a mega mix of races. I'll say she is part German, French, English, Chinese girl who was born in Hawaii but lived in Nice (That's France folks) until she was 13 when her well to do mother divorced her father and moved to New York. She lived in New York until she was 19. She now lives in Silver Lake. She is 26 years old. On stage she will be known for the head gear she wears. She is partial to the ushanka (those fur russian hats) but as the set progresses and everyone gets hotter she will shed the ushanka in favor of something lighter like a throwback NBA hat such that sports the Charlotte Hornets logo.
2. Lead male vocalist should be a gruff but affable fellow. He will always be sporting some sort of peculiar facial hair that no man who works a standard 9-5 job would be able to have.....unless your 9-5 job was being a railroad baron from the late 1800's. He will be a smart young capable man who attended Sarah Lawrence for 2 years before dropping out. I'd hope he has bright shiny red hair. This band will be going for a mish-mash of clothing styles so it doesn't really matter what he wears. I'd imagine it jumps between openly embracing late 80's hip-hop and occasionally a 1920's barber.
3. 'THAT DUDE WHO PLAYS VIOLIN' Yeah I'll have that guy. He'll be back up harmonizing vocals when there isn't a violin part to the song (and often there is not) and when he's not harmonizing he'll be part of the wacky stage show presence. In lulls in the songs he will take a air cannon and shoot out t-shirts from the stage.
4. Two Girls Who Do Percussion - Its worth noting that these girls are sisters. They are separated by 7 years but they will have matching tattoos. The older girl will be the drummer and the younger sister will be whatever percussion fills need to be for the song. That could be a xylophone, weird wind chimes, tambourine, or what have you.
5. 'That Older Dude Who Could be Everyone's Dad' The older guy who seems like he is double everyones age in the band will be on bass. This is a guy who is somewhat of a journeyman. He's been in dozens of bands spanning various genres. He wasn't even supposed to be in the band but our original bass player who was my old college roommate dropped out of the band because he got this girl Sheila pregnant in Boston so he couldn't play the gig. The guy is completely gray but he can still rock and when we get our first interviews in the big rock mags he'll marvel on how fate brought him to this band and how he can't keep up with the young kids. He'll be known for dressing like a guy from Mad men would dress and he'll constantly remind us on the road how fame is fleeting. He will always be reading some stupid dime store novel on the tour bus.
6. 'That Piano Guy' The guy who plays piano on some of our songs.
7. 'The DJ' The girl who spins and scratches for our huge medley songs...she has to be a mysterious girl. In fact she is an ex-model but she will always wear hoodies and huge ski goggles to conceal her face. The point is fans/audiences will never know who she is.
8. Me - I play the recorder. I can play 'hot cross buns'.
The band name will be Nishihara Station. Our first album title will be Appear to Vindicate Thee.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
IT'S RAWWWWW!!!!
This is not Eddie Murphy Raw. It's almost that time of year...SUMMER TIME! Which means I have to officially ordain the Song Of the Summer! I'm not sure what it is yet but I can assure you it will not be a Black Eyed Peas song. I never wrote this down but I can also say that I went out on the smallest and lamest limb possible by declaring the summer of 2009 the summer of '1901' by Phoenix. It was catchy and fun and light. Be on the look out folks.
In other news my foot is jacked up and it makes it very painful to walk. Fortunately riding a bike is easy breezy beautiful cover girl. I was riding my bike the other day and I was in Venice and I'm pretty sure I saw Rosario Dawson. If you obsessively read my facebook feed you would have already known this. I think myself and Rosario would make a great couple. Of course she would have to financially support me while I pursue more serious achievements like leveling up in Modern Warfare 2 on the 360. There is a slight age difference too. She's older than me by a few years but as I've always said, love conquers all (Unless you're really old and disgusting. If that is the case then get the hell away from me old person. Why don't you go watch Matlock?!)
Speaking of Venice...man that place is chill and cool but it still manages to piss me off. First Friday on Abbot Kinney is in a nut shell a event where the first friday of the month all the stores on Abbott Kinney Boulevard stay open late and offer cool deals and open house type things and a shit ton of food trucks show up and its a big block party type feel. Lots of overpriced boutique stores filled with things I'd never buy/use but its still fun. That said it is a deadly combination. A bunch of awesome food trucks and places to drink and yet, no painfully obvious bathrooms for me to use. I had to duck in to a sushi place and pretend I was waiting for a friend so I could use the bathroom. I was seriously going to just piss in a side street but then public shame got the better of me. WHERE DA PORTA-POTTIES AT YO???
FINALLY: My ongoing war of attrition with the restaurant/beer palace known as Father's Office continues. Allegedly the burgers are to die for and I'm within 5 minutes biking distance yet I refuse to be a patron of such a place. Why? Because the dude bans ketchup because it fucks with his original intentions for flavors? A tad bit pretentious??? Maybe...and he does have a point. Steak sauce on a nice steak kills the flavor.
On the other hand. THIS IS AMERICA. LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT OR I WILL STICK A BOOT IN YOUR ASS. Let me use ketchup damnit.
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