Innocence Shattered

The year was 1998. I was still a young impressionable youth...a stranger to the world and its many wonders. I had barely gotten over the terrible tragedy of Princess Diana passing away months into 1997 when my world was torn asunder in early 1998. His name was Michael Portnoy. Words like revolutionary, anarchist, outcast....and maybe, just maybe...HERO. His Christian name is Michael Portnoy but you may remember him as SOY BOMB.

Let me be completely clear. Soy Bomb changed my life. At the time I was into hard drugs, I weighed 332 pounds, and I was an alcoholic. Post Soy Bomb (Or as I call it, Year Zero) I lost weight and that terrible rash was gone!

I really feel that if Soy Bomb had occured in 2007, not only would it be a YouTube top 10 hit, but you would have literally thousands of goofy soy bomb impersonations in every possible situation, but you would have everything from 'Leave Soy Bomb Alone' to t-shirts that say 'More Soy Bomb'. Its a shame that Soy Bomb could not have occured when media was much more eager to eat it up. You claim to be an artist or something Michael but there is no escaping your past. I eagerly await the return of Soy Bomb in 2009.

Pocket Ass

Waiting for the bus to go home from work I went to throw away a piece of gum into the garbage. This was in the garbage. Someone had a more exciting bus ride home then I did.

Cane Sugar Is The New Black

The market for "higher end" Root Beers has taken off since I started caring about Root Beer quality. Walk into any grocery store and you'll see the standard A&W, Barq's, and maybe even Mug Root Beer. Walk a bit further down that same aisle and you get glass bottles filled with more prestigious root beer. I'm talking 4 bottles for 5 dollars pricing scales. Its pretty much bullshit but I still buy them. I have to admit, they taste way better than your typical Barq's but I sometimes question how much the cane sugar has to do with it all.

People lately have been really anti-High Fructose Corn Syrup and part of me feels that its true. Cane Sugar coke is pretty damn good and even Pepsi Co. has gotten into the act with "THROW BACK" Dew and Pepsi. Even if its all in my head/marketing bullshit I am totally on the band wagon of hating High Fructose Corn Syrup and loving Cane Sugar beverages.

But who really wants to hear about what I like or dislike when I could be writing about shameful and or embarassing situations I put myself through in my daily life!! Like how about the racist old lady who came into the bank the other day and demanded clean dollar bills and out of no where declares that "its all the filthy people coming across the border who are ruining this country!" Yeah!!! Someone get me a new job away from the hell that is the bank.

While we're on about life situations (don't worry, this isn't a post about poop) I was leaving for work the other morning and I go to flush the toilet right before I'm stepping out. Now I should note the only thing in the toilet at the time was some toilet paper from when I blew my nose. I flush and this toilet is about 20 years old, uses 12 gallons of water, and still if you dropped a raisin in there it could clog and guess what...it fucking clogs. So i'm thinking, who cares I'll fix it when I get home from work......but then water starts leaking from the base of the toilet. For home improvement nuts, this is indicitave of something bad. The water forcing itself out of the base of the toilet means that likely the wax ring that makes a connection on the toilet is eroded and or there are bigger plumbing issues going on.

My rhetorical question/statement here though is that I think there is very few things that create as much panic as when a toilet is overflowing/leaking water. For one, the water is likely gross and tainted with your own waste. The thing about it too is that its usually water just rising up and it happens slow enough for you to think for a few seconds about nothing what so ever other than "HOLY SHIT WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!" It scared me. I could only throw down towels and then pray the water stopped. Panic ensued and I had to call in to work to tell them I was going to be late due to a "plumbing emergency." Funny times.

Overrated This Week:

-The Celtics
-Obama's Jokes
-Crab Cakes

Undertated This Week:

-Interstate Love Song (This song is that good)
-Shannyn Sossamon (Always Underrated)
-The Chicago Blackhawks

360, 180, and uh more Spins

Where amazing happens.

Scott's Reasons Why Not

Delivery Charges: I'm ordering a pizza from you. I am going to tip you and yet you charge me a delivery fee. That is fucking bullshit. I think maybe if I was really out of the way but I'm only really a few miles away. It's only my own personal sloth that forces me to order the pizza for delivery as opposed to pick up...still, fuck delivery charges.

Fat People: Look, I get that there are body shapes of all sizes. I'm no skinny spring chicken here. That said, when you have to wear size 60 pants (Note: I am talking specifically about the really fat guy on the bus I see) at least have some goddamn dignity. I mean, you're wearing sweat pants, a shirt that does not fit right and cover your overhanging belly, and you are asleep on the bus snoring you are really just holding a giant sign that is lit up with a big Neon Pink sign that says "I'm a fat fucking slob please hate me." You're asleep on a bus....which by the way if you've ever taken LA Metro transit you know that these drivers are driving like there is a pack of angry hornets chasing them and ready to sting their pupils and the buses are generally noisy and very unsmooth rides you get the idea that this fat dude really can sleep through anything.

This Sucked

Last post was a joke, much like 911. Also I have been making that joke a long time but every since September 11th that joke isn't funny anymore. I am referring to Public Enemies song off of the album 'Fear of a Black Planet.' The song "9-1-1 is a Joke" is a stinging critique of slow response times by police but of course when I say 911 is a joke everyone thinks I'm making a joke about the worst attack in history on American soil.

This leads me to my next point....which I might have already pointed out many years ago and even written about. I really hate it when publications that typically don't cover rap at all either retrospectively review a "classic" rap/hip-hop album and hail its genius/ground breaking nature when the first time around they didn't give a fuck or when a publication that does not give a shit about rap/hip-hop reviews such an album and again hails it as amazing. There is nothing wrong with liking any particular genre of music but...okay lets just drop the false pretenses. I'm pissed at Pitchfork Media again. I go there to get riled up by reading their obnoxious reviews. Their top albums of 2008 are a who's who of indie rockers and artists you think you pretend to have heard of and smashed in between at number 11 is Lil' Wayne. Look, I get that you can like any types of music you want. I am that person who is a music atheist...I like whatever the fuck I like. Still, I find it hard to believe that artists like Frightened Rabbit (Never heard of them) to Cut Copy (no clue who they are) to Hercules and Love Affair (Either I'm completely uncool or just a moron because I don't know who those dudes are either) to Crystal Castles (Never Heard of them either) we have Lil Wayne which all the writers on that site evidently love as well. It smacks false to me. And now I'm just one of the haters but fuck it, I hate them.

And while I'm talking about music, there is nothing worse than the goddamn music snob. At least with literature and film and hell, even videogames there are certain benchmarks of achievement to which a extremely large proportion of the population of both the general populous and the more "elite" and critical audience converge and agree on things. Only music rewards the consumer for finding the more obscure, the rare, and the early find. Music also has the distinction of being the most prone to death by popularity. When an artist either becomes to popular or is deemed to mainstream it is then quickly discarded. Its also the only medium that I can think of where making too much money can actually be a reason to dislike said song/band/whatever.

With sports there is a beautiful simplicity. There are winners, there are losers, and there are stats. There is room for debate but there are at least quantifiable statistics to point to. Michael Jordan won this many titles, Wayne Gretzky has this many assists, and Earl Campbell ran this many yards. If you're debating the merits of a musical artist even if you point to a ringing endorsement of a number of reviews one can shrug this off with a phrase like "They were underappreciated at the time and critics didn't understand the music." While this could be legitimately true, its still annoying. This is why I propose we ban all music under Rule Number 20081: Footloose Rule of 1984 - In Which Dancing and Rock Music are banned.


Two things to wrap this all up: YOU CAN BUY MOTHER FUCKING 70" WAIST PANTS IF YOU CLICK HERE!!!!

And Nature at its Best:

Good News For Hobos Who Eat Ham Sandwiches

I'm doing my dishes right. I made some nachos a few days ago and me being the lazy person I am, I did not do dishes immediately. There was some cheese residue left over on the plate and me being the sensible person that I am I try to clean the dried on cheese by scraping it with my finger. Next thing I know there is a shard of dried cheese under my finger nail. Yep, that is right...I fucking stabbed myself with cheese and it not only cut me, it drew blood.

Also, apologies for those who ended up watching The Pest intro.

Random Notes:

-My hair looks better right when I wake up, not when I get out of the shower
-I'm coming back to Minneapolis in a week and a half. Warm up the car for John Hardy's
-I need a bike asap.

This post was bullshit. Better stuff coming soon. I lied a while ago but there are some good movie reviews coming.

Alea iacta est

Of course by that I mean the die has been cast.....okay I don't know. Really though this is about movies I'm ashamed to say I went to see in theaters. This is why I'm pleased to introduce a new segment known as: "WHOOPS I SPENT TOO MUCH MONEY ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT!"

1. Celtic Pride - Yeah, this was a real stinker of a film. This is a film where Daniel Stern (Bushwhacked, Home Alone Saga) and Dan Aykroyd (Ghostbusters) play two die-hard Celtic fans who decide to kidnap Damon Wayans (Major Payne) who in the film plays a star forward for the Utah Jazz. I swear to god I wrote about this film before but the point is I went to the theater to see this movie and it is terrible. What makes this story even more depressing is the theater was sold out. I remember showing up late and my friends and I had to sit in the front far right. Which for you folks who have never been to a movie theater is the tied for the worst seats in the house with front left corner. This theater was not stadium seating and the front right and front left put you at such an angle where you really are craning your neck the whole time and the viewing angle actually makes the picture somewhat warped. Good times.

2. Proof of Life - Off screen Russel Crowe and Meg Ryan had a not so secret romance on the set. On screen, this movie was compelling in the way an NBC summer movie of the week starring Beau Bridges and Jason Priestly is compelling. Watchable but only in the way Easy Mac is edible...you want SOMETHING and then this really is the easiest thing to do besides laying in bed all day. Actually I'm being a bit harsh. The end of the film is actually pretty tense and action filled. David Caruso proves to be a fine actor. You have David Morse (I know you don't know who he is and what he has been in but google his name and you'll see his picture and then you'll be like "OH YEAH THAT GUY HE WAS IN ABOUT 40 MOVIES AS A SUPPORTING ACTOR) and Meg Ryan and Crowe and a bunch of actors who have had way better movies. Yep...saw this in theaters too. Not exactly sure why either because I bet there was better stuff out.

3. Batman and Robin - Just look down a few posts and check out the awesome tribute to Mr. Freeze.

4. Spawn (TWICE!) - I watched this twice in theaters. At the time I knew i thought it was kind of cool just because there is a scene where a woman tries to kick him in the nuts and his skull belt actually grabs her foot before she can kick him and breaks her foot. In hindsight, this is a bad movie. When John Leguizamo is the legitimate high point in the film, we may be treading in the danger zone....which leads me to....

5. The Pest - Holy crap, I went to see this in theaters. Watch the intro to the movie here:



Fucking hell.

I seriously have about 20 more movies that are shockingly bad that I saw but after watching the intro to The Pest I'm sick to my stomach. I cannot believe that after that intro I thought it would be a good idea to stick around in theaters and watch the rest of that.

On a lighter note, I'm really sick of people jogging around the neighborhood that I live in. I do not have a personal vendetta against joggers or physical fitness. But let me rap for a minute (note: I have now sat down on my desk with my arms crossed to represent the fact that I am in fact down with the youth despite the fact that I'm now wearing a sweater). Down the main drag of San Vicente there is a side walk on each side. Both appropriate for running. There is also a huge median in the center of the road. Its probably about 20 feet across. It is groomed by the city and has tall trees in the center of the median and grass which is as short and soft as a typical lawns grass...this is the best place to run. People have run on it so much that there are actually downtrodden paths in the grassy medians. Yet guess what? People run/jog in the fucking street in the "bike lanes." And guess what, they fucking do this all the time for no reason. You have 4 fucking logical options for jogging. Two sidewalks or two sides of the fucking grassy median (better for your joints). But you turds decide to jog in the road....you jog when a giant bus that weighs tons is trying to stop at the bus stop but your geriatric ass is jogging slowly on the side of the road.

Oh yeah and by the way that neoprene running shirt with your Santa Monica 5K logo on it and the fanny pack with the two water bottle holders on each side make you look like a moron. By the way its 65 degrees in Santa Monica with overcast skies, you aren't running through the Gobi Desert and you're not in the Afrika Korps so you don't need the fucking hat with the stupid cloth protecting your neck from sun burn. You're jogging 16 blocks up and down the same street so stay on the goddamn grassy area where you should be and please step out of the street where you're more liable to get destroyed by one of the many shitty los angeles drivers. True Story: Waiting for the bus today a woman driving by in her Land Rover had a bowl of something on her dashboard and she was dipping bread into the bowl. Eating a french fry can be distracting enough but this lady was dipping bread into a bowl on her goddamn dashboard while she drove about 10 mph slower than everyone. Jesus christ.

John C. Reilly

Brilliant actor. Awesome in Magnolia...but Dr. Steve Brule is his greatest role.


P.S. When you sleep in there is no lonely time, just dreams.

Mambo #5

I'm sick and feel like shit and coughing up a storm. Hence I'm here on the internet on a beautiful saturday night. The internet rewards those who are bold though.

Step By Step

Step By Step, the hit sitcom which was part of the Murderers' Row of the 90's TGIF ABC programming block was weird. Weird in that it had a cross over episode that featured the most famous black man of all time, Urkel.

I'm here to talk about the one of the weirder cross overs of all time in television history that still on occasion haunts me at night. In this episode titled 'Great Expectations' two of the young daughter characters on this show are set up for a blind date. Two men arrive at the home of the two daughters and they are literally the living embodiment of Beavis and Butthead. Yes, the Beavis and Butthead from the cartoon show on MTV...except they're played by real people and impersonate their laughs and stupidity.

I'm certainly aware of the cultural force that was Beavis and Butt-Head. I'm also aware of the cultural force that was Step By Step. What I'm not aware of is how a lazy writer or two thought this was a good idea. I can't imagine being at a live taping of this show and thinking that this was funny. And as an audience are we to assume that this was literally Beavis and Butthead who have transmorphed from cartoon characters to real people who happen to live in Port Washington, Wisconsin? Or are these two men just so obsessed with Beavis and Butthead that they have assumed similar personas....which also begs the question of how much of an alternate reality does this sitcom exist in? Does other popular culture exist? Urkel appears in the 2nd episode of Step By Step as himself, but not as "URKEL FROM FAMILY MATTERS." He is actually the science fair partner of the nerdy son Mark. So Urkel in this sense exists in the same reality that the Lambert family does...except Urkel lives in Chicago. Its worth noting that Urkel also shows up in San Francisco for an episode of Full House.

Will we ever know the true answer? The answer would appear to be no. What we do know is this: Jaleel White started getting ripped by season 5 and it was obvious that Urkel was actually fucking ripped.

Magazine Racks

You know what is annoying? Well besides the fact that I was crafting a pretty good saved by the bell post but then Youtube started to act a bit wonky with me and I could not find the clips that I wanted to show the world...so instead you get a small rant.

Magazine Racks: We all have been at one. It might have been at the grocery store, might be at a book store, might be at one of those big newspaper/magazine stands and we all know there are certain societal rules that govern how you behave at them.

Rule 1: If you're at a book store, its likely that you can't just take a magazine and then walk to the opposite side of the store to look at it. You are tethered to I would approximate it at about a 25 foot radius. There may be a ledge to sit on or a couple benches that are near that you can sit and consume without paying...but you can't walk around the book store willy-nilly like you can with books.

Rule 2: Don't break the seal. Lots of magazines are in a plastic wrap...and I've never had the balls to break one open to read it/take the complimentary DVD/CD inside it. That said, there might be 6 copies of that magazine and inevitably someone with bigger stones than I has already opened it for the world to see.

Rule 3: You are a pervert. There is usually an "Adult" or even just a Mens section and it typically has the GQ's and Esquire's and devolves into the Maxim's. You'll also get the Playboy's, Penthouses, and the even more uhh erotic magazines. The bottom line? You can look at the GQ all you want and it might have a nice photo shoot of some Hollywood starlet but you don't want to be caught looking into even the Maxim while you're out in public. Why? Because you don't want a woman you like (or perhaps you're at a store with a woman) to see you looking at this magazine. She will think you're just being a pervert even though I think she is being a bit hypocritical because they (women) can read their Womens magazines with impunity where every they want.

Secrets to Mind Blowing Sex with Your Man is okay but looking at a chesty model...not okay.

Which leads me to my next point...airport magazine sales. Who is it that actually decides to buy a porn magazine in the airport. Besides the inevitable awkward exchange at the cash register...what do you actually plan on doing? On a transatlantic flight? Going to bust out your Jugg's Magazine next to the 67 year old Latvian woman sitting next to you?

Rule 4: When actually buying a magazine, you always pick the 2nd or 3rd magazine to the back. I don't like buying a magazine that has already been ravaged by readers. I like mine crisp and fresh.

Conundrum 1: There are these fashion magazines that are something like 35 dollars or more. I don't get it. Who actually buys these? Sometimes I think they're fashion and advertising magazines and one time I saw a "magazine" that cost 135 dollars. What the fuck?

Conundrum 2: Why does it seem like the European versions of the magazines I read here are so much better? The articles seem funnier and fresher. The mens magazines in Europe are full of nudity!! Bottom line is the British version of GQ seems more legitimate.

Lets Kick Some Ice

Too lazy to write. Must watch Videos...not be productive.



Also, my favorite episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000....well one of the top 5 at least. Good montage of riffs from the episode Space Mutiny. If you have never sat down and watched an episode of MST3K....I hate you.

They Showed Us How To Rock, They Taught us How to Love

Editors Note: Since I had to embed the AOL video it fucked up youtube embedding so I apologize for the multiple copies of the Monster Ballads Commercial in this post. Rather then scrap my brilliance I figured my loyal readers (all 5 of you) would just ignore this obvious aesthetic annoyance.

I've realized a lot of my posts are basically a Family Guy joke. I recall some incident in the past and then reflect on it. This post will be no different. The Monster Ballads commercial that dominated my youth is a CD collection that I would still buy today...albeit on iTunes.



Let us cut to the chase. Damn Yankees - High Enough....amazing song. Watch the music video...although for some reason I couldn't find it on youtube.

Watch more Damn Yankees videos on AOL Video

Now is Damn Yankees the greatest of a forgotten era of Supergroups? If you just watched the music video and were wondering "When did all time WWF/WWE great Shawn Michaels have time to perform in Damn Yankees while maintaining his relationship with Jesus and his prowess in Ladder Matches vs. Razor Ramon?" You'd be wrong! That Shawn Michaels wanna-be is actually Tommy Shaw whom you may know from the obnoxiously bad but good band Styx.

The thing that actually kills me in this music video is the constant scenes of Ted Nugent wailing on his guitar while simultaneously chewing gum and wearing those really shitty sun glasses that Brian Bosworth always wore and were really popular with dudes who liked to go "Tubing" back in the early 90's. His guitar is also of zebra print...which makes me believe that we are supposed to recognize that Nugent is a hunting super freak. Its absolutely true too...I watched one of his hunting videos and there is a scene in one where he shoots an arrow through a turkeys head.

Did I also mention that this music video has an alleged storyline. Think 'Aerosmith video that is loosely creating a storyline with former hottie Alicia Silverstone' except by hottie I mean some weird homoerotic police stakeout that turns into a shootout with Ted Nugent in a ZEBRA FUCKING PRINT Duster Jacket all the while laying down crunchy grooves on the unsuspecting police force. Right. It is worth noting that I actually really like this song as well.

If you missed it this weekend, some lady jumps into a Polar Bear exhibit in Germany and is attacked. The picture CNN ran in the article had me laughing my ass off. In fact they should have just had the headline "WOMAN ATTACKED BY POLAR BEAR" and just put the picture in. No article needed as it told me the story.


When animals usually attack, its funny. Especially when its people jumping into the cage of the potentially violent animal.

Here is another polar bear attack...well this time the woman decided to go past the first set of boundaries so she could get close to the bear and OH NO!!!



Me personally, I blame TV for this. For years Coca-Cola has sold us the fairy tale that polar bears not only love the same crisp delicious beverage that I love, but that they are huggable and yes....EVEN LOVABLE. We all know polar bears are killers...especially that one that is stuck swimming in the ocean forever because the ice has melted and he can't find a place to rest.

More Bitter Rants

Fuck You Lady in Subway Line

Let me be clear about one thing. Everyone at some point who has lived in the United States for more than a year has been to a Subway. The fucking menu is not complicated nor is it some great mystery. So why do you start your sandwich order and immediately after saying what bread you want, you now decide to become Zen Master of sandwich ordering? I'm on my lunch break motherfucker...I don't want to sit there in line while you contemplate the wonders of onions or no onions. Secondly, don't be a fucking dick when you're ordering. I hate when someone orders something and the sandwich artist asks them if they want Tomatoes and they say yes, then they comply with the order of tomatoes and then the purchaser has a change of heart and is like, "OH WAIT NO SORRY TAKE THOSE OFF!" Lastly the dudes making the subs wear plastic gloves. One dude just got done making another sandwich and this vapid cunt came up in line wearing a stupid ass blue tooth headset chatting away and the first thing she says to the dude is "Change your gloves" in the snottiest and most condescending way. If I was smart I would have slapped her in the face, took the earpiece from her head, smashed it, and then said don't be a bitch.

Road/Flight Trip Option?

Just watched a documentary called 'Kicking It' on Hulu about the Homeless World Cup. Sounds pretty fun. Anyone want to go next year?

New Year's Eve

I have never had a truly awe inspiring new years eve. Don't get me wrong...I've had fun with New Years in the past. But I've never had one of those awe inspiring wow moments where Auld Lang Syne is playing with drunken revelers singing along and confetti is pouring from the ceilings and something awesome is happening. This needs to change.

Coming Soon

Live Blog/Detailed Film Study of Back to the Future Part I, II, and III

CHECK THIS OUT:

We Have Your Motherfuckin Record Company Surrounded

I have some interesting news. Today I decided to eat at Sizzler. I've never been there before and all I knew was that its often used as a punchline in regards to shitty/sub standard food. I'm happy to report that Sizzler was fucking good. I like me a salad bar and this salad bar was well stocked, not dirty as fuck, and the greens were quite green. All good signs. I got a salad bar, fruit, soup, and a 6 oz. steak (which left something to be desired) for 10 dollars. I also got a drink. So yeah, good deal!! I'm firmly a pro-Sizzler person now.

Let me Ride, Just another Homicide

Also if you haven't started already, the actual real news and reviews wing of The Onion which is the AV Club is a fucking great site so please everyone start going there and laughing. Also the hockey season is coming to a close and Minnesota is not going to make the playoffs. I don't really ever blog about my sports related obsessions but needless to say, Minnesota sucking all year upsets more than AIDS.

Round 42

Recent things that I find extremely annoying:

1. People who are driving a car in the United States but have a European Union registration plate either on the car or have the EU plate on but with a California plate covering part of the EU plate. There are only a couple reasons why you would have this on your car. One, you just moved to the united states and paid to have your car shipped over here from Europe and haven't been here long enough to get down to the DMV to register for valid California plates. If that is the case I'm giving you a pass. If you've lived here longer than 3 weeks though...go fuck yourself. Don't own a fucking screw driver so you'll put your US plate over the EU plate...fuck you. I mean lets be honest...the only reason why you would keep the EU plate on is because you think it looks cooler and sends off the whole "OHHH LOOK AT ME, I AM CULTURED AND GO TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND DRIVE OTHER PLACES" vibe. Your Volvo station wagon makes you look like a douche, no need to further push the boundaries of all things douche (No offense to all those Volvo owners, they are a safe and dependable car it was just the most recent offender that I saw).

2. The New York Times pushes the boundaries of annoying pretentious shit all the time. Their latest offense you ask? With a headline like: THE SUDDEN CHARM OF PUBLIC SCHOOL you know it was going to be good.

The crux of the article? Back when our roaring economy was soaring like an eagle of freedom rich people could buy houses wherever and send their children to elite private schools! Now with this recession people are shocked to find out that when it comes to public schools, DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU LIVE, YOU MIGHT HAVE TO SEND YOUR KID TO A SHITTIER SCHOOL!!! WOW!!!! What will these parents do? Well the logical thing is just send your kid to a public school like everyone else does....what do they actually do? How about renting another property in a zone with a better public school just so you can gain residency in that neighborhood while simultaneously living in your other home. OH DESPAIR YE NEW YORK TIMES READER!!! With quotes like,

“We bought our apartment in 2004,” she said, “and like most new parents we never even thought about the public school zoning issues. We just assumed our son would go to private school.”

“I will certainly consider some alternative way to game the system by gaining a different address,” said the man, who asked to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. “This is my child, who is a really smart kid, and he’s not going to my crummy zoned school. That’s just not going to happen.”

When he and his wife bought their $1.6 million six-room apartment a year and a half ago, they had envisioned his alma mater, a prestigious private school, as the place to send their son. . He and his wife both still have jobs and could probably scrape together the tuition. But their financial optimism has dimmed.

It's no wonder why I hate everyone. Now for the most groan inducing fucking excerpt from the entire fucking article.

Moreover, whereas “saying you’re interested in sending your kids to public schools used to be a taboo among a certain group of people,” Ms. Braddock said. “Now it’s actually kind of cool and in vogue.”

Hear that everyone? I went to a public school and survived...I'm fucking cool and in vouge now. I went to a preschool that was held in a church basement. I'm guessing it wasn't very expensive. Now there are preschools that charge more for a year than my first year of college. Its fucking preschool...you finger paint and drink juice...you don't read Russian literature and debate the merits of stem cell research over a dinner of foie gras. Its often a joke on Colbert about the East Coast liberal Elite...well sometimes this demographic actually exists and it makes me want to punch a baby kitten in its stomach.

For reference the article can be found here: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/05/realestate/05Cov.html?pagewanted=1

3. There are 3 types of people who ride bikes in Southern California.

-The ones who do it out of neccesity because they don't own a car. (You're cool)
-The people who own beach cruisers and like to ride around for fun. (You're also usually cool)
-The people who own a 6000 dollar track bike and wear spandex uniforms to ride up and down San Vicente thinking you're in the tour de france. (NOT FUCKING COOL)

April Fools

Or how about fuck you. April Fools is worthless.

-This blog post is soundtracked by MGMT - Future Reflections

Personally I think this song is better if it was listened to in the fall. October/Novemberish while I'm driving around campus with the windows down and bright orange leaves falling to the ground and being blown about. This of course is completely fantasy because I don't own a car, am not in college, and never ever had this happen to me....but false nostalgia is the best nostalgia in my opinion.

Lastly, there are a couple incidents of Japanese guys who either were in such isolation/loyalty to their country that they never surrendered until years later. Now this created a bit of a stir in Japan as both a great reminder of the power of nationalism and their loyalty to their country but also kind of fucking weird if you're in the jungle for 20 years not getting any orders and just sitting around thinking the war may or may not be going on. This brings me to my next point....Johnny Quest (The New Adventures of). A few years ago I was watching this show and their was this episode where Johnny Quest goes into the forest in the New England area and either through some sort of time travel fuck or something, the American Revolution is still being fought and people think its still going on.

In concept, this sounds kind of dumb...but I really like it. In fact I'd like to think that some place in some isolated island at some point "modern" civilization hit the island but then left cutting off the people so they have this crystalized moment of popular culture. On this island they were indoctrinated to the ways and culture of whomever originally stopped by and stayed for a few years but no longer progressed from the outside and merely grew organically from the inside. To give a hypothetical situation, well, you can get probably 2 situations. One is a 'Blast From the Past' (Brendan Fraser movie) esque situation where someone gets stuck in one time period and doesn't progress past a certain point. For this isolated group of people then it could always be the 1880's. Huge mustaches never went out of fashion and no one knows what the fuck antibiotics are. More intersting would be at a certain point the outside influence of say the United States stops, but from their a new hybridized version continues. So lets say this island gets lots of American pop culture up through the 50's. Looking purely at music you could say that Elvis at his peak hits and you get lots of good jazz and all that but then you cut them off and from their does rock and roll progress on its own but now in some weird fucking new form?

Do we come back in 30 years and find that its traced a similar but obviously different path? Did any of what I just said make sense?? San Dimas High School Football Rules?!

Steady as She Goes

Well well well. After a few days off on the ol' blog, Scott's back!!! GET'R'DUNNNN!!!!

Seriously though, there are a few things on my mind. First, the iphone. I love it and there are a ton of games that are coming out that have me excited. Namely, Risk! It doesn't get much nerdier than playing a board game on a cell phone...especially when that game is Risk.

Secondly, what is the deal with bathrooms being locked? I think I might have already ranted on about this but this past weekend I was in a store and the bathroom is locked. I needed to get a token to go use it. Tokens are held by the store employees. In theory this isn't a bad idea. It stops a homeless man or woman from posting up in the bathroom and generally making that place their own shower/human feces wall mural. On the other hand, I just want to piss and you're making me go ask someone. And its always the same song and dance. You walk into the store and pretend to browse the racks for a few minutes. Casually go up to an employee and ask them some unrelated question about some shirt and then you go, "By the way do you have a bathroom token?" Sure, you play it off like it AIN'T NO THANG, but the truth is your forehead and upper lip are sweating. You are tapping your feet and the only look in your eyes is panic because you had to use the bathroom 10 minutes ago but spent the aformentioned 10 minutes pretending to browse instead of urgently rushing up to the nearest employee screaming in baby talk "SCOTT NEED PEEPEE!!!"

In conclusion, all employers please keep bathrooms unlocked.

In second conclusion, don't you hate it when you're in a bathroom that is only a single toilet and you lock the door and then someone comes up to the bathroom door and aggressively starts trying to open the door when its clearly locked. I always fear that its going to be some Andre the Giant size dude who breaks the door open and sees me sitting on the toilet about to take a crap and all we can do is stare at each other for prolonged awkward seconds before he goes, "Ohh, uhh sorry didn't realize someone was in here."

Parallel Universe

I'll admit, I had no idea there is a Law and Order: UK version (Or as I call it Law and Order: Old Bill Version!) Consider me knackered, gutted, Bob's my uncle, taken the piss out of, ladybird, a nonce, and everything else.

"In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups. The police who investigate the crime, and the CROWN prosecutors who prosecute the offenders."

If you look online you can find episodes floating around and its just kind of sad. I was expecting Jack Mccoy to show up any minute. Where the fuck is Lenny?!?! At least they still include the obligatory wise crack at the beginning of the episode after coming upon the gruesome death scene. Also, the UK intro music sucks.

Straight Up Now Tell Me

At work today this song was on over the internal radio (Technically the song is just called Straight Up). Going to admit and further prove that my taste in music is essentially non-existent (I like nearly everything). Its a catchy song and it is one of several songs that triggers memories of being young and going to the mall with my mom. I know its weird to have this song trigger this memory but I distinctly remember riding in the car/walking through the mall with my mom and hearing this song.

It won't let me embed the video so you'll just have to go watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5A3yF0bjLo

Admit it, when that weird guitar/beat noise kicks in at the 58 second mark you start getting into the song.

I will also say that this video does not suffer nearly as bad as other videos of the late 80's era of being blatantly obvious of being made int he 80's. Abdul's outfit is a bit out there but she looks pretty good and doesn't have crazy ass teased out hair. By shooting in black and white and not day glow electric pink it also avoids crappy color schemes (See Also: Boys of Summer Video Don Henley).

Bonus Depressing Moment of the Day: Walking by a homeless guy laying on the ground as he is vomiting. I mean, there is jack shit I could do for him at the time and me throwing a dollar on him won't make him feel any better and knowing deep down that at one point he was a young boy and that his mother never wanted this for him. Bummer.

Fat People - Ha!

I've been watching a lot of BBC programming lately. I get to watch BBC America at work on my break because we have satellite television in the break room and at home I watch it because I have ways to....get it. Either way after seeing a good deal of programming from across the pond, I think I can say without hesitation that English fat people are uglier than American fat people. I'm talking about the entire sum of all parts of fat people in England as opposed to just cherry picking them. I realize America has the fat hillbilly (Appalachian American Species) and the urban fat person (Urbanus Tyranous) but there is something about the English accent and the sad dour look of a fat english person that makes me give them the "ugly edge."

Not to mention most of America tends to forget that England is not just the queen and uhhh "The Tube." You've got a bunch of poor people who only eat fish and chips and drink a lot of beer and those people are a lot fatter and uglier than what we usually see coming from England.

Krav Maga is Officially Overblown/Overexposed

I'm not sure what the tipping point was but I'd say somewhere in late 2007 Krav Maga officially 'blew the fuck up' and is now all over the fucking place. For those who don't know Krav Maga is a fighting style that according to the mythos, is a close quarters fighting style used by the Israeli army. Sounds bad ass right? Close combat fighting where the point is to disable and disarm. You're probably envisioning bad ass fucking combat.

Jump forward to Los Angeles, 2009. I've seen and have taken pictures with my phone (although too lazy to upload them right now) of multiple weird gun/self defense magazines in the past months while browsing the mag racks at Barnes & Noble with covers singing out the praises of Krav Maga. How did I know when this little craze started to jump the shark?? Well first the magazines are a decent give away. Then you had shows like Fight Quest and whatever the fuck the other one that was on TLC...or maybe Discovery and they go out and learn fighting techniques from all over the world and Krav Maga was one of them. I'm not joking when I say I bet in 2004 no one knew what the fuck Krav Maga was....unless you were in the Israeli military or something. All of a sudden I see people with Krav Maga shirts and Krav Maga classes being offered and now its got some sort of bizarro mythos where Krav Maga is fucking badass and the ultimate fighting style when 4 or 5 years ago no one knew what the fuck it was.

In any event, I'm officially declaring this fighting style "OVERBLOWN TREND/FAD OF 2009 THUS FAR." I'm sure there are some hardcore Krav Maga followers who would kick my ass for such insults, but the truth is they'd kick my ass if they had no fighting training.

Remember When....

Tying things around your waist was cool? Like, you would not actually wear the flannel shirt tied around your waist...you just had it there to look cool? Or am I just misremembering?

The LA Times is Stupid

The L.A. Times had a little feature on their front page over this weekend that had in actuality probably been sitting there for at least a few days but I just noticed it. It was a list of "Overrated/Underrated" things in general.

Such brilliant points such as, "Underrated - Artistic Integrity: We're respectfully requesting the return of "selling out" as an insult, particularly in terms of music. Yes, times are hard, but the line must be drawn once more. We want to hear artists such as Wilco, Cat Power and Modest Mouse without thinking of a new automobile, and hopefully the next generation agrees." Yeah okay thanks LA Times. Bring back artistic integrity!!!

They also invoke some of my well deserved hatred for having listed one of my greatest pet peeves. Underrated: "Self-imposed TV blackouts: We spent a recent week roughing it away from what Homer Simpson called "television's warm glowing warming glow" and we have to say, it does a body good. There's too much news and entertainment out there to make such decisions permanent -- especially while "Lost" is just starting to make sense -- but it's sobering to remember that TV is a treat, not a whole mea."

First of all I hate when people talk about how they "don't watch tv" and talk about how television makes us dumb and all that bullshit. Secondly, what the fuck is the point of a self-imposed TV blackout? You're not making a statement to anyone and not watching television gains you nothing. If you like watching television then fucking watch it and if you don't like watching a particular show then don't watch it. No one would ever think of applauding me and saying "Wow Scott, you're so progressive" if I said I was boycotting reading for 2 weeks. I could claim there are "too many books out there that are garbage and reading hurts my eyes so I'm just going to step away from books and newspapers and magazines for two weeks because there is too much advertising in print these days." All these those things are true, yet I would be laughed at for boycotting books for two weeks. With that in mind, boycotting or self imposed boycotts of television are inherently idiotitc for a number of reasons. Also later in the same list of Overrated/Underrated they claim HDTV is underrated. Whaaa? Those hypocritical fucks. Even more hypocritical is that they claim "Current TV" is underrated. Although they use the mind numbingly stupid description of TV 2.0 to explain the new wave of good television.

They also claim that Bruce Springsteen is somehow UNDERRATED. I actually think he is completely just RATED. He is in the pantheon of great musical artists and I don't think people think he really sucks now and if you go back through his musical catalog you will find that people are just rating him where he belongs.

Other notably stupid things on this list include "Overrated: Indie Rock Couplings" (Uhhh alright)... "Underrated: Crossword Puzzles - Sodoku is so mid-2000's" (Jesus fucking christ shut up).

In conclusion: Overrated: Newspapers - Go away forever L.A. Times.

This Playlist Sucks

Working in a place where the music is piped in through some mysterious satellite connection and or some sort of internal network leads to some really fucking amusing songs coming up. Most of the songs I actually end up enjoying, which is a testament to how shitty my musical tastes truly are. Duran Duran - Come Undone was definitely the highlight of todays music rotation.

One of the more disturbing things that is going on is that Smash Mouth is getting a shocking amount of play time. There appears to be some sort of playlist because every day I'll end up hearing at least some sort of overlap from the day before...songs that come to mind are the shockingly awesome I would Walk 500 Miles by the Proclaimers and even the occasional Spin Doctors song. The thing is Smash Mouth's entire fucking musical library appears to be stuck in this playlist. One thing I have to note is I never out right hated Smash Mouth like a lot of folks at the time or even now...and really, its way to fucking easy to hate on Smash Mouth. They have been featured in about 10000000 commercials and movies and did a bunch of trash covers and along the way managed to become insanely rich. This is by the way no sort of strong endorsement of Smash Mouth because I do think they suck...but not in the way that makes me lash out at even a mention of them.

In Conclusion: WHO DO YOU NEED? WHO DO YOU LOVE?? WHEN YOU COME UNDONE, CAN'T EVER KEEP FROM FALLING APART

Really Bad

This is not going to shock many pundits out there, but I think Pink is a really terrible musician. Nothing against her personally but I started to realize a while ago that I really think that every one of her songs that has been popular and gotten a decent amount of radio play is a song that I think is absolutely terrible. I just really hate most of the songs she has done.

Several things I am mystified by...first of all her stage name which is the aforementioned "Pink." Yeah so her hair for a while was always dyed Pink. Right. Other reasons I find her annoying include the fact that her 2001 album release was actually titled M!ssundazstood which by the way had the song "Get This Party Started" which is by far one of the most annoying songs of the last ten years. It's also worth noting that my friend Dan has an awesome story about this song. When he went to France back in 2001/2002 school year he said that the first song he heard when he arrived in France was Get This Party Started and he continued to hear it while he was in France. This is after constantly being bombarded with it in America as well...which goes to show you, the French may claim to have taste but they embraced Pink just as foolishly as we did.

I also take issue with the song "Just Like A Pill." And before you start accusing me of actually just being a closeted Pink fan, it just happens that I usually work jobs where there is a radio/internal radio station playing all the time and its usually stock on a generic loop of top 40 songs so I heard this song a shit ton too. Anyhow, the song Just Like A Pill has some really fucking terrible lyrics. I don't really give a shit about what they lyrics are actually trying to say, the line "I tried to call the nurse again but shes being a little bitch" is just really fucking bad.

I do want to say that if Ms. Pink is reading this, I mean no offense. I'm sure you're a nice young woman and I probably sound like an asshole, but I just don't like your music.

Muy Importante

Reasons Why Southern California is Stupid

1. The Traffic - Yeah its a cliche to bitch about traffic in California but seriously, what the fuck its bad. Where is everyone going at every hour of the day or night? Compound this with the fact that traffic gets really fucking bad if it rains. And I'm not talking about the type of rain that overflows the streets and causes those mini-floods where you drive through and its super deep and your car gets stuck. I'm talking about rain that is just you know, a light patter of rain. Yet when this happens people act like it just snowed 12 inches in the last 2 hours. It slows shit down really bad.

Also if there is A SINGLE ACCIDENT on some stretch of any of the major freeways you get spill over into less traveled streets...which means it gets bad everywhere. And guess what, there is always a fucking accident.

2. Dogs - Everyone here has a fucking dog...but somehow there is some sort of intrinsic difference between the dog owner in Alabama or Nebraska or Minnesota....in California somehow people who own dogs manage to mostly just piss me off. From having your maid/house worker walk your dog, to the really stupid outfits that people have for dogs out here to, well...just I love dogs but people out here piss me off with their dogs.

3. Homeless people - I am completely empathetic to the homeless and their situation. That said, there are a lot of homeless people out here and I'm currently in some stage of homeless fatigue because I am one of those suckers who gives homeless people money. But when I'm walking and I get asked by 42 of them in a row I get annoyed.

I HAVE AN IDEA

I am going to pitch a dating show to MTV. Your standard and by standard I mean really fucking stereotypical "Frat Dude" and a really attractive yet studious young lady at the same college. Think, that really hot chick you see riding the campus bus who is both the lead cheerleader for the football cheer squad but is also double majoring in Biology and Aerospace Engineering and has already applied and been admitted to MIT to pursue her graduate studies in the effects of weightlessness on breast cancer cells.

The woman is supposed to fall for the guy while simultaneously reforming his "bro" like ways.

I CALL IT: BROMEO & JULIET.

Musings of a bored Person

I put a lot of thought into this last night while I was drinking...alone. If you didn't guess, I'm single because I thought about DVD covers while I was drinking alone on Valentines. Jesus christ that sounds bad.

Anyways, you may or may not notice that when movies come out there is usually one or two standard one sheets that come out and are placed in theaters promoting these upcoming titles. They typically range from terrible, to boring. Then another funnier thing happens. When it comes out on Blu-Ray or DVD the marketers decide to change up the poster from the actual theatrical release and usually just throw up the ol' "FLOATING HEADS" treatment for a dvd cover so all the people who are complete morons and buy dvds based only on covers will buy The Departed because it evidently has Matt Damon and Leo Dicaprio and they somehow didn't know this prior to buying it.

Even stupider is when a DVD has been out for a while...take the film Varsity Blues (which I really fucking love) and own. The original cover had a publicity still that I believe doubled as the films poster. It had the whole cast in a 'casual hey we're hanging out' pose either sitting in and or around the truck that Billy Bob owns and drives to school in the film. Well at some point in the last year the powers that be decide that this cover is fucking lame and instead they'll insert a really shitty photoshop composite picture for the cover. Seriously, this looks really fucking lame.

Which brings me to the best of the best of the worst cover of all time. This has been documented on multiple sites in the past but its worth noting. Check out the cover to Scrubs season 4. Notice anything weird?? MAYBE ITS ZACH BRAFF'S WRIST BENDING THE WRONG WAY OR HIS SNAKE LIKE ARM BEING FUCKING LONG AND FUCKED UP?!?!

Laziest fucking photoshop job ever. Also in part 2 of the ongoing series of scenes that make me cry (adding a little note that it doesn't have to be straight up balling, rather its the typical "MAN CRY" where you know are starting to tear up but you refuse to let yourself get to that point so as Bill Simmons points out, you act like Tom Cruise in Top Gun after goose dies and you're holding it in with that quivering lower lip but thats it)...I leave you with another scene. Not sure if this is just me but any movie no matter how bad can usually at the very least get my a bit choked up if it involves a long paegant like funeral (think soldier or cop or firefighter death ceremony).

Actually I won't post the clip since it is rather violent and I can't really find this scene specifically since youtube is a clusterfuck to search for clips. Anyways in Saving Private Ryan there are obviously several pretty brutal scenes but the one that kills me is where the medic played by Giovanni Ribisi is dying. His anguish and the futile attempts made by his squadmates to at the very least ease his pain always get me.

Holy Terrible News

Two funny pieces of news that seriously make me laugh, and not a good kind of laugh either.

1. Limp Bizkit is BACK!!! THANK GOD!!! Seriously though, they're back together. This is clearly the one big reunion we all wanted.

2. If you recall the movie Waiting, that starred Ryan Reynolds about those people who serve your food and why they hate you. Had a shit ton of potential to be one of the best comedies in a long time but squandered it on a poor script and really a lack of energy....well if you wanted a sequel with none of the more famous people returning from the original (Except Luiz Guzman) then you're in for a treat! Still Waiting is coming out soon! Well IMDB has Justin Long listed as well but I'm assuming since he is so low on the cast list its either a flashback or a cameo.

Lastly, I'm going to start doing an entire series of posts that conclude with 'Scenes that Make Me Cry'. I'm pretty sure i posted this scene a while ago but seriously, I think I'm way to easily emotionally manipulated by movies. This scene absolutely kills me when I watch it.

Gotta Be, Gotta Be, Dominoes...CRUNCHY THIN CRUST!

The title here is actually a bit of a misdirection ploy. Sung to the tune of 'We Will Rock You' by Queen, Dominoes actually had a commercial with that little jingle in it. I fucking hate advertising some times.

Anyways this has been touched on by the AV Club blogs and a lot of other stuff, but seriously, I fucking hate the new Pizza Hut commercials that have been going on for the last few months. As one of my former roommates has pointed out, in an earlier Pizza Hut "hidden camera" commercial they are in New York because New Yorkers know pasta and then they give these people pasta from Pizza Hut instead of the restaurant that they're at. The people rave about how it tastes so good and then are shocked (in a good way) that the food they had is actually pizza hut! What my roommate pointed out was that the pasta they served them had bits of bacon in it. Last time I checked, authentic Italian dining is not heavy on bacon all over the pasta.

Even worse are the latest round of stupid commercials where they go to Italy (WHERE THOSE GUYS KNOW PASTA EVEN MORE!) and one woman exclaims, "It's vivacious!!!" Right. This is literally the equivalent of me taking a few orders of food from Panda Express to some restaurant and feeding it to a Chinese Junk sailor and having him exclaim that "THIS IS JUST LIKE HOW MY MOM USED TO MAKE GENERAL TSO'S!!!"

And to quote another friend of mine, "To pull off the Pizza Hut commercials you have to have a lot of credibility. And we have no reason to think that the Italians really loved their pasta." In conclusion...stop making stupid commercials.

Dishonorable Mention: This goes to Wal-Mart for those commercials running before the Superbowl where the mom starts singing We Will Rock You and then the kid starts and then everyone is and they all get excited to buy junk food from the local Wal Mart. ANNOYING

Nipples

I was walking home today and I saw three mannequins in a window display at a womans clothing store and all three were seriously nipping out. What is the purpose of putting nipples on a mannequin besides drawing attention to how tight this shirt is on SAID mannequin and then have the subsequent feeling of both intrigue and also shame for even looking!!!

Even better is there is this place a few blocks away from my house that has this mannequin bust in the window and this mannequin has gigantic plastic breasts. I'd say in the F range for size. Not only is this projecting and creating a negative body image for the women who walk by this and now WILL DEMAND breast implants, but it makes you wonder who designs the mannequins?! They should make really obese mannequins and mannequins with gigantic testicles or something. Have a little fun with the mannequin industry!

This all leads me to my next point, Mannequin needs to be remade with a hip young cast and a fresh round of hip music. This time though I think the Mannequin should be a man and the lead is a woman who is just out of college trying to make her way in the Big City (New York). One night after being stood up by a guy she is walking home when her eye catches a sexy mannequin. The rest as we say, is history.

The Holy Trinity

I'm going to give a shout out to White Town for their hit single Your Woman. I actually really like this song...and for whatever reason I at least in my memory remember hearing this song all the time on weekends during the summer of 97. Like, it was on the radio a lot.

I actually lump this song, Closing Time by Semisonic, and The Way by Fastball as some sort of holy trinity of late 90's alternative rock super hits. In fact now that I think about it I'm going to officially start lumping those three bands and three songs in as a pop culturally important holy trinity of 97-1998. Bank on it people.

I think I should also point out that I heard Closing Time when I was ironically enough getting ready to leave work on Monday and it was a pretty awesomely surreal moment. I like these songs because they're clearly pretty well produced but it still has this weird stripped down feel to the song...in that a pop song that I hear today on the radio is really fucking over produced. Think...The Killers new album or something like that. And this is in a world where indie rock has not taken over the popular music radio waves and bands like Sugar Ray are still popular. Fucked up times people.

I have always also felt that the Grunge music "killing" glam rock was overrated on the scale of importance in pop culture music history where as Indie Rock killing this type of pop music is vastly under talked about. IF IT WASN'T FOR DEATH CAB FOR CUTIES RISE TO PROMINENCE WE'D BE ON FASTBALL'S 9TH GRAMMY WINNING ALBUM!!!

Big - LIVE BLOGGING EDITION

Big is a great movie and reminds everyone that Tom Hanks started out his career honing his comedic chops which I believe helped him establish his later more mature 'Every Man' roles which he often handled with just a sprinkle of deft humor.

:17 - Josh is playing some extremely old shitty text based computer game. Its also interesting that his parents are yelling at him because you hear his dad yell at him to "listen to his mother" since you never see the father in the entire film. Not even a shot of him worried since you know, his son has disappeared.

1:47 - Josh's friend "Billy" is that red headed kid who also starred in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Wonder where he is now?

2:44 - Cynthia is the Young Josh love interest. She is not really even cute...and she falls into the stupid 80's paradigm of 'I'm wearing a stupid jean jacked and bad hair but I'm supposed to be cute'

3:55 - Josh and Billy live next door to each other so they can talk to each other via walkie talkie. Now that I think about it, I wish I could have had this happen when I was younger.

4:58 - I lied, I guess I just saw Josh's father when he is at the carnival. His dad is carrying his baby sister. And directly after this scene we have the scene that causes the whole movie. He wants to go on the 'scary' ride with his dream girl Cynthia but he is too short. This is the type of incident that would scar you for life...but imagine if he does get on the ride. Not only does the entire not movie take place, but Big Josh aka Tom Hanks doesn't get laid later. I mean in reality (and I'll get into this later) but Josh is what, in sixth or seventh grade max and he's already had sex with a mature older woman and had a loving relationship, worked for a major company in New York, and owned a swank Manhattan loft with at least 2000 square feet. Baller Status achieved and he is not even 16. I should also mention the Carny/Carnie is totally an asshole to Josh when he can't get on the ride.

8:20 - Josh runs into Zoltar and makes his wish! OH SHIT!!!!

10:55 - Josh is now big. I would have liked to have seen some really disturbing transformation scene where his bones stretch out and its all gruesome ala any werewolf movie ever.

15:03 - Funny scene where Josh comes into his house and his mom is vacuuming and she is obviously freaked out and he apologizes and goes and wipes his feet on the doormat. Then we cut to a scene where Billy is at the school playing basketball and he is terrible. He has a wise cracking PE Coach with a thick New York accent. Funny.

18:18 - A less explored aspect of this entire movie is that his parents think Josh is kidnapped. They rarely explore the psychological aspect of what his parents go through. Maybe his dad and mom got in a fight after he disappeared and thats why you don't see his dad the rest of the movie.

20:00 - So Josh and his young friend Billy roll into New York and they have a good scene in Times Square and its all sleazy and homeless people abound and Josh is accosted by both a beggar and hooker. If this takes place in 1987 or 88 when it was released this is still Pre-Guliani era and for New York marks a historically bad period of crime and crack and issues in New York. If Big took place today there is no way Josh could even afford a hotel room.

26:27 - Josh goes to a job interview at Macmillan Toy Company for a computer operator. He is filling out a resume/template sheet in the office. This rings false! He gets the job anyways because the HR guy thinks he went to GW.

28:45 - Forgot to mention that Jon Lovitz is in this movie. Very small role as a guy stuck in a computer cubicle next to Josh but yeah. I wonder if they hooked him up in this role/friends via SNL. Or perhaps this is before that time...not sure.

30:38 - Robert Loggia, my favorite evil father in law from Over the Top makes his first screen appearance and he is flanked by the Dad from Home Alone. I don't know his name and in the spirit of this live blogging experience I won't look it up yet.

32:30 - Cue touching moments...Josh calls home and then he sings that song to his mom over the phone of the song she used to sing to him. Him mom starts to cry. Directly after this we see Josh watching the French Connection and there is gun fire and crying etc...good movie and great scene. Then he shuts off the tv and the exact sounds occur outside his hotel room. Another good scene.

35:00 - Silly string scene. I kind of want to buy some now.

36:00 - F.A.O. Schwarz scene. I've never been there but still have a strong desire to be there. It's like how I always felt about Lego Land until..you know, I got to go there.

38:15 - So we've hit the iconic piano playing scene. Probably the most famous scene from this movie and I would actually put it in a top 500 iconic film scenes ever in film history. I am almost positive that if this was on in a bar or some tv display at Best Buy, people would naturally watch it and not be able to contain at least a small grin. Not sure why, but it is charming. I must imagine though that this scene would have been a pain in the ass to film.

41:55 - Josh's secretary was I believe the mom from That 70's Show.

42:31 - I did actually pause the DVD here because there is a shot of Josh on the milk carton being missing. It looks like it says he was born 1/28/76 and he disappeared on 9/12/87. That makes him 11...so thats uhh, 5th grade?

43:11 - Elizabeth Perkins/Susan begins to see the childish charm in Josh during a market report in which he states "I Don't Get It?" Susan is also wearing a lot of great 80's power woman clothes. Although I haven't noticed any hardcore shoulder pads yet.

46:45 - I don't remember this but evidently there is a musical montage sequence of Josh having fun with his new money etc. being at a Yankees game and if I'm not mistaken this is Huey Lewis and The News.

48:45 - Party time for corporate MacMillan. Josh is about to roll in with his badass tux. And if I'm not mistaken Josh is about to seriously put the moves on Susan. Jon Lovitz dances bad, Josh eats a lot of gross shit and doesn't know how to eat mini corn etc. I actually find this entire sequence a bit tiring. I mean yeah, its more fish out of water crap but I like how Susan is bored of Mr. Home Alone Dad and wants to just get her freak on/move up the corporate ladder by fucking Josh. So yeah she starts out as a bitch but then learns to LOVE!!! It is funny how Josh ignores her come ons though and is hyped to be in a LIMO. I think I'm kind of the same way. If I get in a LIMO I'll immediately be more excited about whatever I'm doing. If I'm going to a root canal in a LIMO I'd be more excited.

56:19 - Ok he has a bunk bed and more sexual moves go by. Top bunk etc. I feel like i'm summarizing the movie right now and thats not what the point of this was about. He does have a pepsi machine in his room which is fucking awesome . I guess I'm still stuck in arrested development where I think 90 percent of what Josh has in his apartment is awesome.

1:04:40 - We're officially entering the part of the movie where it gets too sappy...or as I call it, THE TIME SCOTT STOPS WATCHING THIS MOVIE WHEN ITS ON CABLE AND STARTS CHANNEL SURFING. This is a movie where the parents can take their kids to the movie and the kid laughs at the slapstick stuff but the parents can get a little bit of a love story.

Susan starts falling for Josh's boying (GET IT..BOYISH!!!) charm. Little does she know she is committing statutory rape. And then we get the stomach punch moment a minute later as she is dumping Mr. Home Alone Dad and says that Josh, "IS A GROWN UP!!" GET IT?!?!

1:12:43 - Yeah I'm pretty much hard up on comments at this point. It has turned into touching scenes of emotional connection. I'm a bitter cold husk of a human being though so these scenes have no effect on me!!!

1:14:00 - Josh touches his first boob.

1:32:44 - I've kind of zoned out a bit but here we are. Josh has gone back to the Zoltar machine and is about to wish that he was a young kid again. Of course over the course of these scene and the last few we have Susan dealing with the fact that she fell in love with a Man-Child. It has to be a bit humiliating. I mean how does she go on knowing that the one relationship in her life has pretty much been a sham!!? Also, Josh just comes through with his true age that he is only 13.

1:38:33 - Okay this next scene bothers me. Josh is getting dropped off in his neighborhood by Susan and he is wearing a suit. The camera cuts and he is now all of a sudden young Josh again immediately. First of all, the transformation happening that fast rings false and going back to the opening transformation scene which happened to coincide with a freak storm indicates that something supernatural was occuring. So I guess the storm was just a coincidence?

The ending scene is Josh back with his old red headed buddy walking down the street talking about stick ball. Its worth noting that the original ending was to be Josh in class and then a new young girl is introduced in the class and its heavily implied that Susan had wished herself young. If that had been the ending...that would have been terrible.

And now finally checking wikipedia/imdb it appears a special edition has been released that has extended footage with over 20 minutes of new scenes. I should get that. I should also point out I don't hate the love story in this movie and it provides the last 1/3rd of the movie with a great emotional arc. But once you really start thinking about how Josh is just 13, it does start getting plain freaky!

Fake Post

Mini Post here. Favorite Scene from Wayne's World 2 here:

Follow Up

So my Jewel tirade got a bit of welcome reader feedback. I'd also like to thank one Ms. Extreme Ash for the boost in traffic. I think I have 3 loyal readers up from 1! Since we're talking about girls I dig, I want Shannyn Sossamon to be in more movies. I'd put her up in the top five most under appreciated beautiful women in the world. She is sometimes seen sporting really fucked up hair cuts, which is cool by me. In fact I'd prefer to date her over the nerds choice Natalie Portman....OVERRATED.

Coming in the next few days. I should be able to do a 'Live Blog' of the movie Big. Believe you me when I say this will be fucking epic. Also I hope to do a new fast food review...as well as perhaps a beer review.

Last I will say that jesus fucking christ there are a lot of really skinny older women around here who have terrible fucking facial plastic surgery so their face looks fucked up with no wrinkles but oddly shiny and giant ass botoxed fucking lips. Seriously ladies...please fucking stop this. Goddamn, I'm not joking when I say it fucking freaks me out when you all do this.

Last last last, I am going to opine a bit about the state of frozen treats. The McFlurry is really a poor excuse for a fucking ice creamy treat mixed with various tasty goods. Last time I got a Oreo McFlurry it was basically oreo dust mixed with soft serve. I prefer Dairy Queen's thick chuncks of oreo mixed in with their soft serve. I will also say that its fucking hard to find a good Chocolate Milkshake (Note I capatalized Chocolate Milkshake to emphasize how important they are) these days. You either go to some lame-o over priced shit storm like Johnny Rockets (Really the biggest fucking ripoff for an over done burger and fries that cost you 13 dollars) or you settle for some sort of middle ground swill at McDonalds or various other fast food places. In-n-Out provides a pretty good one at a moderate price.

I feel like I'm John Travolta's character in Pulp Fiction expressing my own disbelief and displeasure at spending five dollars on a malt/shake and while it might taste good I'm cheap.

P.S. Jamba Juice is a ripoff as well.

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

That song sucked.

Anyways, going back to talk about a few more older commercials I remember. Remember those stupid Pace Picante salsa ads on tv where the cowboys are sitting around a fire eating and then one of them takes out salsa and its from New York City and the whole group goes "NEW YORK CITY?!?!" Fucking stupid....and then the one guy mumbles "GET A ROPE." Yeah, lets murder this fucking guy because he has salsa from the wrong state!!!



Okay I'm over the whole commercial memory lane aspect of my life for now. Let's look back at a band that in retrospect is easy to make fun of, but for a short period of time was one of the more popular acts in the country and the world! I'm talking about the band Limp Bizkit. People rag on the 80's for its supposedly bad music, but only in the late 90's could a band like Limp Bizkit emerge. When their two greatest hits were 1. A Cover of a George Michael Song and 2. A song called 'Nookie'. I mean, its really one of the greater odditities in the history of music that Fred Durst would for a short period of time emerge as some sort of rock icon and would later go on to cover The Who's 'Behind Blue Eyes' which would go down in my book as one of the worst and most pointless covers of all time. I'd like to also point out that i think George Michael is underrated as a pop musician and that his success is often overshadowed for his public restroom behavior and as the butt end to jokes that have to do with his association with WHAM!

By far the funniest thing that was associated with Fred Durst is that he appeared as a bonus character in the videogame for Fight Club. Long story short the game was released 5 years after the movie came out and was spurned on no doubt hoping that there were enough gullable idiots to buy the game....and yeah it totally misses the point of the story all together since the game is just a fighting game. I never played the game myself but I kind of want to still, if only for the chance to beat the shit out of Fred Durst in game.


Lastly, in reference to the title here of the post we have another late 90's gem in Where Have All the Cowboys Gone. This song is a really fucking weird pop song that has a really weird opening and hook. Paula Cole's attempt at "Breaking it Down" with her little "Yippee Aye Yippee Ay" has to go down in history as one of the weirder points in music history (I'm full of hyperbole tonight). Interesting fact, this lost for best female Video in the 97 MTV Music Awards (remember when those were kind of a hip alternative to "STUFFY" awards shows instead of just being another boring award show?) to Jewel's 'You Were Meant For Me.' By the way I still totally think Jewel is hot and awesome.

I'd also go on to argue that You Were Meant For Me is a song that is criminally under used in popular culture (TV, Films, ETC.) when it comes to montages of a woman who just broke up with her boyfriend and is now depressed. Plus, wasn't Jewel totally pre-empting the entire indie take over of the music industry by a good 8 years? I mean, her early entries into music were best described as "FOLK POP" or at the time "Coffee House" style music...heavy on acoustic and a very stripped down sound. I honestly think if this single dropped right now it could be just as successful. And yeah, I'm starting to sound like a Jewel fanatic here, but I think there is something strongly endearing about her fucked up teeth...and yeah they're not fucked up but I mean I think there is one or two teeth that aren't exactly straight. Obviously she could afford to fix this slight imperfection but to me, hey its cool!

Tarzan Boy: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Listerine

First of all, props to myself for this amazing post title. This is in reference to the band Baltimora and their song 'Tarzan Boy' which I mostly remember for being put in a Listerine commercial with a listerine bottle swinging on vines in a Tarzan like fashion. Also was featured in the hit movie Beverly Hills Ninja. The song can be viewed in video form here:




This is a great example of a one hit wonder...and also a weird combo of Italian New Wave. Initially I had a lot to say about this song but basically it speaks for itself. I will fondly remember the Listerine bottle swinging from vine to vine echoing through my childhood.

UPDATE: I FOUND IT!

To Hot To Handle...Too Cold To Hold

What the world needs is more Randy Savage....The Macho Man that is. I'm going out on a limb and saying that he is one of the few true geniuses of our time. Besides releasing a mega awesome rap album (Look it up if you don't believe me) and endorsing one of mans greatest creations (the slim jim) I will always love Randy Savage because he is a true genius of the spoken word.

When I Was Scared

It should come as no surprise that many children are practically raised by the family television. I can say honestly that as a young and then not so young child I was addicted to television. Thankfully I was also blessed with cable at a young age. School cancelled due to a blizzard? Great!! The warm glow of the television will keep me occupied. While many of my formative moments growing up came about thanks to television, two stand out in my mind.

The first would be me watching the movie Se7en by David Fincher. Sitting home watching Se7en on HBO was quite the interesting experience. Not only was I too young to be watching such a graphic movie, I can state without reservation that I didn't understand half of what was going on anyways. Anyone who has watched the movie knows there are many shocking moments, but the one that sticks out most is the SWAT raid of the alleged serial killers home. SWAT is humorously led by a bald and hard ass John Mcginley. They bust into the purported killers apartment (which they track down by linking the fingerprints found behind a painting) and note that there are hundreds of gas station TREE air fresheners hanging from the ceiling. As the camera pulls back into a bedroom, there on a stained mattress we see a completely emancipated hollow corpse. Mr. Mcginley leans in to the presumed dead body and whispers "You got what you deserved." No sooner does this sentence finish the corpse jumps to life moaning and screaming.

The point of moaning and screaming coincided with me literally jumping back from the television and yelling in complete fear and panic. We've all had moments of dread and fear but this is probably the closest I've come to shitting my pants. Credit goes to Fincher for staging the scene perfectly and lulling the viewer (me) into a modest sense of security only to rip this false security blanket out from me and throw me naked into Buffalo Bill's well.

I Like The Radio

Maybe living in California has made me soft. Driving to work a couple times a week I listen to the radio and its actually not bad. KROQ (K ROCK) plays kind of like an ipod playlist I would have. Foo Fighters, The Offspring, and then some newer hip songs sprinkled in the mix. I actually really like the radio station and they always seem to play some random Postal Service song right after the sun goes down and it sets the mood perfectly.

Which brings up my next point about how random life can be. Isn't it awesome when you're listening to (Insert musical emitting device) and a song comes on and it so perfectly sets the mood of whatever situation you're in...whether you just broke up with your significant other or you are driving on a rain soaked road and feeling sad or you just feel fucking happy and that perfect song comes up and its like the soundtrack of your life is occuring?! Well, sometimes its awesome and it happens. Enjoy that.

Adam Carolla in the morning is funny. He is funny...unlike his abomination of a television show he had for a few months. Enough about radio though...lets talk important things like movies and how I hate people.

The Wrestler - Amazing film and Rourke definitely deserved the Golden Globe. It helps that I enjoy wrestling and geeked out on the accuracy of much of the portrayal of an over the hill wrestler. As an aside, Marissa Tomei plays a stripper (I think this is her third stripper in the last few years) and she gets naked a lot. I don't mean this in any sort of overt sexual crude way, but she looks really amazing for a 44 year old woman. Did I mention half her screen time is nude or near nude?

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - I liked it. Its a bit long, Brad Pitt doesn't do much but the end still had me getting a bit choked up. I guess I'm just a sentimental guy. Still, if you're not sold on the premise just wait for the DVD to drop.

The iPhone - It rocks and has changed my life for the better. I would really like copy and paste on this fucker though.

My New Job - It sucks, so someone offer me a better higher paying one please.

Living In California - Someone fucking visit me or something.