Alea iacta est

Of course by that I mean the die has been cast.....okay I don't know. Really though this is about movies I'm ashamed to say I went to see in theaters. This is why I'm pleased to introduce a new segment known as: "WHOOPS I SPENT TOO MUCH MONEY ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT!"

1. Celtic Pride - Yeah, this was a real stinker of a film. This is a film where Daniel Stern (Bushwhacked, Home Alone Saga) and Dan Aykroyd (Ghostbusters) play two die-hard Celtic fans who decide to kidnap Damon Wayans (Major Payne) who in the film plays a star forward for the Utah Jazz. I swear to god I wrote about this film before but the point is I went to the theater to see this movie and it is terrible. What makes this story even more depressing is the theater was sold out. I remember showing up late and my friends and I had to sit in the front far right. Which for you folks who have never been to a movie theater is the tied for the worst seats in the house with front left corner. This theater was not stadium seating and the front right and front left put you at such an angle where you really are craning your neck the whole time and the viewing angle actually makes the picture somewhat warped. Good times.

2. Proof of Life - Off screen Russel Crowe and Meg Ryan had a not so secret romance on the set. On screen, this movie was compelling in the way an NBC summer movie of the week starring Beau Bridges and Jason Priestly is compelling. Watchable but only in the way Easy Mac is edible...you want SOMETHING and then this really is the easiest thing to do besides laying in bed all day. Actually I'm being a bit harsh. The end of the film is actually pretty tense and action filled. David Caruso proves to be a fine actor. You have David Morse (I know you don't know who he is and what he has been in but google his name and you'll see his picture and then you'll be like "OH YEAH THAT GUY HE WAS IN ABOUT 40 MOVIES AS A SUPPORTING ACTOR) and Meg Ryan and Crowe and a bunch of actors who have had way better movies. Yep...saw this in theaters too. Not exactly sure why either because I bet there was better stuff out.

3. Batman and Robin - Just look down a few posts and check out the awesome tribute to Mr. Freeze.

4. Spawn (TWICE!) - I watched this twice in theaters. At the time I knew i thought it was kind of cool just because there is a scene where a woman tries to kick him in the nuts and his skull belt actually grabs her foot before she can kick him and breaks her foot. In hindsight, this is a bad movie. When John Leguizamo is the legitimate high point in the film, we may be treading in the danger zone....which leads me to....

5. The Pest - Holy crap, I went to see this in theaters. Watch the intro to the movie here:



Fucking hell.

I seriously have about 20 more movies that are shockingly bad that I saw but after watching the intro to The Pest I'm sick to my stomach. I cannot believe that after that intro I thought it would be a good idea to stick around in theaters and watch the rest of that.

On a lighter note, I'm really sick of people jogging around the neighborhood that I live in. I do not have a personal vendetta against joggers or physical fitness. But let me rap for a minute (note: I have now sat down on my desk with my arms crossed to represent the fact that I am in fact down with the youth despite the fact that I'm now wearing a sweater). Down the main drag of San Vicente there is a side walk on each side. Both appropriate for running. There is also a huge median in the center of the road. Its probably about 20 feet across. It is groomed by the city and has tall trees in the center of the median and grass which is as short and soft as a typical lawns grass...this is the best place to run. People have run on it so much that there are actually downtrodden paths in the grassy medians. Yet guess what? People run/jog in the fucking street in the "bike lanes." And guess what, they fucking do this all the time for no reason. You have 4 fucking logical options for jogging. Two sidewalks or two sides of the fucking grassy median (better for your joints). But you turds decide to jog in the road....you jog when a giant bus that weighs tons is trying to stop at the bus stop but your geriatric ass is jogging slowly on the side of the road.

Oh yeah and by the way that neoprene running shirt with your Santa Monica 5K logo on it and the fanny pack with the two water bottle holders on each side make you look like a moron. By the way its 65 degrees in Santa Monica with overcast skies, you aren't running through the Gobi Desert and you're not in the Afrika Korps so you don't need the fucking hat with the stupid cloth protecting your neck from sun burn. You're jogging 16 blocks up and down the same street so stay on the goddamn grassy area where you should be and please step out of the street where you're more liable to get destroyed by one of the many shitty los angeles drivers. True Story: Waiting for the bus today a woman driving by in her Land Rover had a bowl of something on her dashboard and she was dipping bread into the bowl. Eating a french fry can be distracting enough but this lady was dipping bread into a bowl on her goddamn dashboard while she drove about 10 mph slower than everyone. Jesus christ.