Magazine Racks

You know what is annoying? Well besides the fact that I was crafting a pretty good saved by the bell post but then Youtube started to act a bit wonky with me and I could not find the clips that I wanted to show the world...so instead you get a small rant.

Magazine Racks: We all have been at one. It might have been at the grocery store, might be at a book store, might be at one of those big newspaper/magazine stands and we all know there are certain societal rules that govern how you behave at them.

Rule 1: If you're at a book store, its likely that you can't just take a magazine and then walk to the opposite side of the store to look at it. You are tethered to I would approximate it at about a 25 foot radius. There may be a ledge to sit on or a couple benches that are near that you can sit and consume without paying...but you can't walk around the book store willy-nilly like you can with books.

Rule 2: Don't break the seal. Lots of magazines are in a plastic wrap...and I've never had the balls to break one open to read it/take the complimentary DVD/CD inside it. That said, there might be 6 copies of that magazine and inevitably someone with bigger stones than I has already opened it for the world to see.

Rule 3: You are a pervert. There is usually an "Adult" or even just a Mens section and it typically has the GQ's and Esquire's and devolves into the Maxim's. You'll also get the Playboy's, Penthouses, and the even more uhh erotic magazines. The bottom line? You can look at the GQ all you want and it might have a nice photo shoot of some Hollywood starlet but you don't want to be caught looking into even the Maxim while you're out in public. Why? Because you don't want a woman you like (or perhaps you're at a store with a woman) to see you looking at this magazine. She will think you're just being a pervert even though I think she is being a bit hypocritical because they (women) can read their Womens magazines with impunity where every they want.

Secrets to Mind Blowing Sex with Your Man is okay but looking at a chesty model...not okay.

Which leads me to my next point...airport magazine sales. Who is it that actually decides to buy a porn magazine in the airport. Besides the inevitable awkward exchange at the cash register...what do you actually plan on doing? On a transatlantic flight? Going to bust out your Jugg's Magazine next to the 67 year old Latvian woman sitting next to you?

Rule 4: When actually buying a magazine, you always pick the 2nd or 3rd magazine to the back. I don't like buying a magazine that has already been ravaged by readers. I like mine crisp and fresh.

Conundrum 1: There are these fashion magazines that are something like 35 dollars or more. I don't get it. Who actually buys these? Sometimes I think they're fashion and advertising magazines and one time I saw a "magazine" that cost 135 dollars. What the fuck?

Conundrum 2: Why does it seem like the European versions of the magazines I read here are so much better? The articles seem funnier and fresher. The mens magazines in Europe are full of nudity!! Bottom line is the British version of GQ seems more legitimate.

Lets Kick Some Ice

Too lazy to write. Must watch Videos...not be productive.



Also, my favorite episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000....well one of the top 5 at least. Good montage of riffs from the episode Space Mutiny. If you have never sat down and watched an episode of MST3K....I hate you.

They Showed Us How To Rock, They Taught us How to Love

Editors Note: Since I had to embed the AOL video it fucked up youtube embedding so I apologize for the multiple copies of the Monster Ballads Commercial in this post. Rather then scrap my brilliance I figured my loyal readers (all 5 of you) would just ignore this obvious aesthetic annoyance.

I've realized a lot of my posts are basically a Family Guy joke. I recall some incident in the past and then reflect on it. This post will be no different. The Monster Ballads commercial that dominated my youth is a CD collection that I would still buy today...albeit on iTunes.



Let us cut to the chase. Damn Yankees - High Enough....amazing song. Watch the music video...although for some reason I couldn't find it on youtube.

Watch more Damn Yankees videos on AOL Video

Now is Damn Yankees the greatest of a forgotten era of Supergroups? If you just watched the music video and were wondering "When did all time WWF/WWE great Shawn Michaels have time to perform in Damn Yankees while maintaining his relationship with Jesus and his prowess in Ladder Matches vs. Razor Ramon?" You'd be wrong! That Shawn Michaels wanna-be is actually Tommy Shaw whom you may know from the obnoxiously bad but good band Styx.

The thing that actually kills me in this music video is the constant scenes of Ted Nugent wailing on his guitar while simultaneously chewing gum and wearing those really shitty sun glasses that Brian Bosworth always wore and were really popular with dudes who liked to go "Tubing" back in the early 90's. His guitar is also of zebra print...which makes me believe that we are supposed to recognize that Nugent is a hunting super freak. Its absolutely true too...I watched one of his hunting videos and there is a scene in one where he shoots an arrow through a turkeys head.

Did I also mention that this music video has an alleged storyline. Think 'Aerosmith video that is loosely creating a storyline with former hottie Alicia Silverstone' except by hottie I mean some weird homoerotic police stakeout that turns into a shootout with Ted Nugent in a ZEBRA FUCKING PRINT Duster Jacket all the while laying down crunchy grooves on the unsuspecting police force. Right. It is worth noting that I actually really like this song as well.

If you missed it this weekend, some lady jumps into a Polar Bear exhibit in Germany and is attacked. The picture CNN ran in the article had me laughing my ass off. In fact they should have just had the headline "WOMAN ATTACKED BY POLAR BEAR" and just put the picture in. No article needed as it told me the story.


When animals usually attack, its funny. Especially when its people jumping into the cage of the potentially violent animal.

Here is another polar bear attack...well this time the woman decided to go past the first set of boundaries so she could get close to the bear and OH NO!!!



Me personally, I blame TV for this. For years Coca-Cola has sold us the fairy tale that polar bears not only love the same crisp delicious beverage that I love, but that they are huggable and yes....EVEN LOVABLE. We all know polar bears are killers...especially that one that is stuck swimming in the ocean forever because the ice has melted and he can't find a place to rest.

More Bitter Rants

Fuck You Lady in Subway Line

Let me be clear about one thing. Everyone at some point who has lived in the United States for more than a year has been to a Subway. The fucking menu is not complicated nor is it some great mystery. So why do you start your sandwich order and immediately after saying what bread you want, you now decide to become Zen Master of sandwich ordering? I'm on my lunch break motherfucker...I don't want to sit there in line while you contemplate the wonders of onions or no onions. Secondly, don't be a fucking dick when you're ordering. I hate when someone orders something and the sandwich artist asks them if they want Tomatoes and they say yes, then they comply with the order of tomatoes and then the purchaser has a change of heart and is like, "OH WAIT NO SORRY TAKE THOSE OFF!" Lastly the dudes making the subs wear plastic gloves. One dude just got done making another sandwich and this vapid cunt came up in line wearing a stupid ass blue tooth headset chatting away and the first thing she says to the dude is "Change your gloves" in the snottiest and most condescending way. If I was smart I would have slapped her in the face, took the earpiece from her head, smashed it, and then said don't be a bitch.

Road/Flight Trip Option?

Just watched a documentary called 'Kicking It' on Hulu about the Homeless World Cup. Sounds pretty fun. Anyone want to go next year?

New Year's Eve

I have never had a truly awe inspiring new years eve. Don't get me wrong...I've had fun with New Years in the past. But I've never had one of those awe inspiring wow moments where Auld Lang Syne is playing with drunken revelers singing along and confetti is pouring from the ceilings and something awesome is happening. This needs to change.

Coming Soon

Live Blog/Detailed Film Study of Back to the Future Part I, II, and III

CHECK THIS OUT:

We Have Your Motherfuckin Record Company Surrounded

I have some interesting news. Today I decided to eat at Sizzler. I've never been there before and all I knew was that its often used as a punchline in regards to shitty/sub standard food. I'm happy to report that Sizzler was fucking good. I like me a salad bar and this salad bar was well stocked, not dirty as fuck, and the greens were quite green. All good signs. I got a salad bar, fruit, soup, and a 6 oz. steak (which left something to be desired) for 10 dollars. I also got a drink. So yeah, good deal!! I'm firmly a pro-Sizzler person now.

Let me Ride, Just another Homicide

Also if you haven't started already, the actual real news and reviews wing of The Onion which is the AV Club is a fucking great site so please everyone start going there and laughing. Also the hockey season is coming to a close and Minnesota is not going to make the playoffs. I don't really ever blog about my sports related obsessions but needless to say, Minnesota sucking all year upsets more than AIDS.

Round 42

Recent things that I find extremely annoying:

1. People who are driving a car in the United States but have a European Union registration plate either on the car or have the EU plate on but with a California plate covering part of the EU plate. There are only a couple reasons why you would have this on your car. One, you just moved to the united states and paid to have your car shipped over here from Europe and haven't been here long enough to get down to the DMV to register for valid California plates. If that is the case I'm giving you a pass. If you've lived here longer than 3 weeks though...go fuck yourself. Don't own a fucking screw driver so you'll put your US plate over the EU plate...fuck you. I mean lets be honest...the only reason why you would keep the EU plate on is because you think it looks cooler and sends off the whole "OHHH LOOK AT ME, I AM CULTURED AND GO TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND DRIVE OTHER PLACES" vibe. Your Volvo station wagon makes you look like a douche, no need to further push the boundaries of all things douche (No offense to all those Volvo owners, they are a safe and dependable car it was just the most recent offender that I saw).

2. The New York Times pushes the boundaries of annoying pretentious shit all the time. Their latest offense you ask? With a headline like: THE SUDDEN CHARM OF PUBLIC SCHOOL you know it was going to be good.

The crux of the article? Back when our roaring economy was soaring like an eagle of freedom rich people could buy houses wherever and send their children to elite private schools! Now with this recession people are shocked to find out that when it comes to public schools, DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU LIVE, YOU MIGHT HAVE TO SEND YOUR KID TO A SHITTIER SCHOOL!!! WOW!!!! What will these parents do? Well the logical thing is just send your kid to a public school like everyone else does....what do they actually do? How about renting another property in a zone with a better public school just so you can gain residency in that neighborhood while simultaneously living in your other home. OH DESPAIR YE NEW YORK TIMES READER!!! With quotes like,

“We bought our apartment in 2004,” she said, “and like most new parents we never even thought about the public school zoning issues. We just assumed our son would go to private school.”

“I will certainly consider some alternative way to game the system by gaining a different address,” said the man, who asked to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. “This is my child, who is a really smart kid, and he’s not going to my crummy zoned school. That’s just not going to happen.”

When he and his wife bought their $1.6 million six-room apartment a year and a half ago, they had envisioned his alma mater, a prestigious private school, as the place to send their son. . He and his wife both still have jobs and could probably scrape together the tuition. But their financial optimism has dimmed.

It's no wonder why I hate everyone. Now for the most groan inducing fucking excerpt from the entire fucking article.

Moreover, whereas “saying you’re interested in sending your kids to public schools used to be a taboo among a certain group of people,” Ms. Braddock said. “Now it’s actually kind of cool and in vogue.”

Hear that everyone? I went to a public school and survived...I'm fucking cool and in vouge now. I went to a preschool that was held in a church basement. I'm guessing it wasn't very expensive. Now there are preschools that charge more for a year than my first year of college. Its fucking preschool...you finger paint and drink juice...you don't read Russian literature and debate the merits of stem cell research over a dinner of foie gras. Its often a joke on Colbert about the East Coast liberal Elite...well sometimes this demographic actually exists and it makes me want to punch a baby kitten in its stomach.

For reference the article can be found here: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/05/realestate/05Cov.html?pagewanted=1

3. There are 3 types of people who ride bikes in Southern California.

-The ones who do it out of neccesity because they don't own a car. (You're cool)
-The people who own beach cruisers and like to ride around for fun. (You're also usually cool)
-The people who own a 6000 dollar track bike and wear spandex uniforms to ride up and down San Vicente thinking you're in the tour de france. (NOT FUCKING COOL)

April Fools

Or how about fuck you. April Fools is worthless.

-This blog post is soundtracked by MGMT - Future Reflections

Personally I think this song is better if it was listened to in the fall. October/Novemberish while I'm driving around campus with the windows down and bright orange leaves falling to the ground and being blown about. This of course is completely fantasy because I don't own a car, am not in college, and never ever had this happen to me....but false nostalgia is the best nostalgia in my opinion.

Lastly, there are a couple incidents of Japanese guys who either were in such isolation/loyalty to their country that they never surrendered until years later. Now this created a bit of a stir in Japan as both a great reminder of the power of nationalism and their loyalty to their country but also kind of fucking weird if you're in the jungle for 20 years not getting any orders and just sitting around thinking the war may or may not be going on. This brings me to my next point....Johnny Quest (The New Adventures of). A few years ago I was watching this show and their was this episode where Johnny Quest goes into the forest in the New England area and either through some sort of time travel fuck or something, the American Revolution is still being fought and people think its still going on.

In concept, this sounds kind of dumb...but I really like it. In fact I'd like to think that some place in some isolated island at some point "modern" civilization hit the island but then left cutting off the people so they have this crystalized moment of popular culture. On this island they were indoctrinated to the ways and culture of whomever originally stopped by and stayed for a few years but no longer progressed from the outside and merely grew organically from the inside. To give a hypothetical situation, well, you can get probably 2 situations. One is a 'Blast From the Past' (Brendan Fraser movie) esque situation where someone gets stuck in one time period and doesn't progress past a certain point. For this isolated group of people then it could always be the 1880's. Huge mustaches never went out of fashion and no one knows what the fuck antibiotics are. More intersting would be at a certain point the outside influence of say the United States stops, but from their a new hybridized version continues. So lets say this island gets lots of American pop culture up through the 50's. Looking purely at music you could say that Elvis at his peak hits and you get lots of good jazz and all that but then you cut them off and from their does rock and roll progress on its own but now in some weird fucking new form?

Do we come back in 30 years and find that its traced a similar but obviously different path? Did any of what I just said make sense?? San Dimas High School Football Rules?!

Steady as She Goes

Well well well. After a few days off on the ol' blog, Scott's back!!! GET'R'DUNNNN!!!!

Seriously though, there are a few things on my mind. First, the iphone. I love it and there are a ton of games that are coming out that have me excited. Namely, Risk! It doesn't get much nerdier than playing a board game on a cell phone...especially when that game is Risk.

Secondly, what is the deal with bathrooms being locked? I think I might have already ranted on about this but this past weekend I was in a store and the bathroom is locked. I needed to get a token to go use it. Tokens are held by the store employees. In theory this isn't a bad idea. It stops a homeless man or woman from posting up in the bathroom and generally making that place their own shower/human feces wall mural. On the other hand, I just want to piss and you're making me go ask someone. And its always the same song and dance. You walk into the store and pretend to browse the racks for a few minutes. Casually go up to an employee and ask them some unrelated question about some shirt and then you go, "By the way do you have a bathroom token?" Sure, you play it off like it AIN'T NO THANG, but the truth is your forehead and upper lip are sweating. You are tapping your feet and the only look in your eyes is panic because you had to use the bathroom 10 minutes ago but spent the aformentioned 10 minutes pretending to browse instead of urgently rushing up to the nearest employee screaming in baby talk "SCOTT NEED PEEPEE!!!"

In conclusion, all employers please keep bathrooms unlocked.

In second conclusion, don't you hate it when you're in a bathroom that is only a single toilet and you lock the door and then someone comes up to the bathroom door and aggressively starts trying to open the door when its clearly locked. I always fear that its going to be some Andre the Giant size dude who breaks the door open and sees me sitting on the toilet about to take a crap and all we can do is stare at each other for prolonged awkward seconds before he goes, "Ohh, uhh sorry didn't realize someone was in here."

Parallel Universe

I'll admit, I had no idea there is a Law and Order: UK version (Or as I call it Law and Order: Old Bill Version!) Consider me knackered, gutted, Bob's my uncle, taken the piss out of, ladybird, a nonce, and everything else.

"In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups. The police who investigate the crime, and the CROWN prosecutors who prosecute the offenders."

If you look online you can find episodes floating around and its just kind of sad. I was expecting Jack Mccoy to show up any minute. Where the fuck is Lenny?!?! At least they still include the obligatory wise crack at the beginning of the episode after coming upon the gruesome death scene. Also, the UK intro music sucks.

Straight Up Now Tell Me

At work today this song was on over the internal radio (Technically the song is just called Straight Up). Going to admit and further prove that my taste in music is essentially non-existent (I like nearly everything). Its a catchy song and it is one of several songs that triggers memories of being young and going to the mall with my mom. I know its weird to have this song trigger this memory but I distinctly remember riding in the car/walking through the mall with my mom and hearing this song.

It won't let me embed the video so you'll just have to go watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5A3yF0bjLo

Admit it, when that weird guitar/beat noise kicks in at the 58 second mark you start getting into the song.

I will also say that this video does not suffer nearly as bad as other videos of the late 80's era of being blatantly obvious of being made int he 80's. Abdul's outfit is a bit out there but she looks pretty good and doesn't have crazy ass teased out hair. By shooting in black and white and not day glow electric pink it also avoids crappy color schemes (See Also: Boys of Summer Video Don Henley).

Bonus Depressing Moment of the Day: Walking by a homeless guy laying on the ground as he is vomiting. I mean, there is jack shit I could do for him at the time and me throwing a dollar on him won't make him feel any better and knowing deep down that at one point he was a young boy and that his mother never wanted this for him. Bummer.

Fat People - Ha!

I've been watching a lot of BBC programming lately. I get to watch BBC America at work on my break because we have satellite television in the break room and at home I watch it because I have ways to....get it. Either way after seeing a good deal of programming from across the pond, I think I can say without hesitation that English fat people are uglier than American fat people. I'm talking about the entire sum of all parts of fat people in England as opposed to just cherry picking them. I realize America has the fat hillbilly (Appalachian American Species) and the urban fat person (Urbanus Tyranous) but there is something about the English accent and the sad dour look of a fat english person that makes me give them the "ugly edge."

Not to mention most of America tends to forget that England is not just the queen and uhhh "The Tube." You've got a bunch of poor people who only eat fish and chips and drink a lot of beer and those people are a lot fatter and uglier than what we usually see coming from England.

Krav Maga is Officially Overblown/Overexposed

I'm not sure what the tipping point was but I'd say somewhere in late 2007 Krav Maga officially 'blew the fuck up' and is now all over the fucking place. For those who don't know Krav Maga is a fighting style that according to the mythos, is a close quarters fighting style used by the Israeli army. Sounds bad ass right? Close combat fighting where the point is to disable and disarm. You're probably envisioning bad ass fucking combat.

Jump forward to Los Angeles, 2009. I've seen and have taken pictures with my phone (although too lazy to upload them right now) of multiple weird gun/self defense magazines in the past months while browsing the mag racks at Barnes & Noble with covers singing out the praises of Krav Maga. How did I know when this little craze started to jump the shark?? Well first the magazines are a decent give away. Then you had shows like Fight Quest and whatever the fuck the other one that was on TLC...or maybe Discovery and they go out and learn fighting techniques from all over the world and Krav Maga was one of them. I'm not joking when I say I bet in 2004 no one knew what the fuck Krav Maga was....unless you were in the Israeli military or something. All of a sudden I see people with Krav Maga shirts and Krav Maga classes being offered and now its got some sort of bizarro mythos where Krav Maga is fucking badass and the ultimate fighting style when 4 or 5 years ago no one knew what the fuck it was.

In any event, I'm officially declaring this fighting style "OVERBLOWN TREND/FAD OF 2009 THUS FAR." I'm sure there are some hardcore Krav Maga followers who would kick my ass for such insults, but the truth is they'd kick my ass if they had no fighting training.

Remember When....

Tying things around your waist was cool? Like, you would not actually wear the flannel shirt tied around your waist...you just had it there to look cool? Or am I just misremembering?

The LA Times is Stupid

The L.A. Times had a little feature on their front page over this weekend that had in actuality probably been sitting there for at least a few days but I just noticed it. It was a list of "Overrated/Underrated" things in general.

Such brilliant points such as, "Underrated - Artistic Integrity: We're respectfully requesting the return of "selling out" as an insult, particularly in terms of music. Yes, times are hard, but the line must be drawn once more. We want to hear artists such as Wilco, Cat Power and Modest Mouse without thinking of a new automobile, and hopefully the next generation agrees." Yeah okay thanks LA Times. Bring back artistic integrity!!!

They also invoke some of my well deserved hatred for having listed one of my greatest pet peeves. Underrated: "Self-imposed TV blackouts: We spent a recent week roughing it away from what Homer Simpson called "television's warm glowing warming glow" and we have to say, it does a body good. There's too much news and entertainment out there to make such decisions permanent -- especially while "Lost" is just starting to make sense -- but it's sobering to remember that TV is a treat, not a whole mea."

First of all I hate when people talk about how they "don't watch tv" and talk about how television makes us dumb and all that bullshit. Secondly, what the fuck is the point of a self-imposed TV blackout? You're not making a statement to anyone and not watching television gains you nothing. If you like watching television then fucking watch it and if you don't like watching a particular show then don't watch it. No one would ever think of applauding me and saying "Wow Scott, you're so progressive" if I said I was boycotting reading for 2 weeks. I could claim there are "too many books out there that are garbage and reading hurts my eyes so I'm just going to step away from books and newspapers and magazines for two weeks because there is too much advertising in print these days." All these those things are true, yet I would be laughed at for boycotting books for two weeks. With that in mind, boycotting or self imposed boycotts of television are inherently idiotitc for a number of reasons. Also later in the same list of Overrated/Underrated they claim HDTV is underrated. Whaaa? Those hypocritical fucks. Even more hypocritical is that they claim "Current TV" is underrated. Although they use the mind numbingly stupid description of TV 2.0 to explain the new wave of good television.

They also claim that Bruce Springsteen is somehow UNDERRATED. I actually think he is completely just RATED. He is in the pantheon of great musical artists and I don't think people think he really sucks now and if you go back through his musical catalog you will find that people are just rating him where he belongs.

Other notably stupid things on this list include "Overrated: Indie Rock Couplings" (Uhhh alright)... "Underrated: Crossword Puzzles - Sodoku is so mid-2000's" (Jesus fucking christ shut up).

In conclusion: Overrated: Newspapers - Go away forever L.A. Times.

This Playlist Sucks

Working in a place where the music is piped in through some mysterious satellite connection and or some sort of internal network leads to some really fucking amusing songs coming up. Most of the songs I actually end up enjoying, which is a testament to how shitty my musical tastes truly are. Duran Duran - Come Undone was definitely the highlight of todays music rotation.

One of the more disturbing things that is going on is that Smash Mouth is getting a shocking amount of play time. There appears to be some sort of playlist because every day I'll end up hearing at least some sort of overlap from the day before...songs that come to mind are the shockingly awesome I would Walk 500 Miles by the Proclaimers and even the occasional Spin Doctors song. The thing is Smash Mouth's entire fucking musical library appears to be stuck in this playlist. One thing I have to note is I never out right hated Smash Mouth like a lot of folks at the time or even now...and really, its way to fucking easy to hate on Smash Mouth. They have been featured in about 10000000 commercials and movies and did a bunch of trash covers and along the way managed to become insanely rich. This is by the way no sort of strong endorsement of Smash Mouth because I do think they suck...but not in the way that makes me lash out at even a mention of them.

In Conclusion: WHO DO YOU NEED? WHO DO YOU LOVE?? WHEN YOU COME UNDONE, CAN'T EVER KEEP FROM FALLING APART

Really Bad

This is not going to shock many pundits out there, but I think Pink is a really terrible musician. Nothing against her personally but I started to realize a while ago that I really think that every one of her songs that has been popular and gotten a decent amount of radio play is a song that I think is absolutely terrible. I just really hate most of the songs she has done.

Several things I am mystified by...first of all her stage name which is the aforementioned "Pink." Yeah so her hair for a while was always dyed Pink. Right. Other reasons I find her annoying include the fact that her 2001 album release was actually titled M!ssundazstood which by the way had the song "Get This Party Started" which is by far one of the most annoying songs of the last ten years. It's also worth noting that my friend Dan has an awesome story about this song. When he went to France back in 2001/2002 school year he said that the first song he heard when he arrived in France was Get This Party Started and he continued to hear it while he was in France. This is after constantly being bombarded with it in America as well...which goes to show you, the French may claim to have taste but they embraced Pink just as foolishly as we did.

I also take issue with the song "Just Like A Pill." And before you start accusing me of actually just being a closeted Pink fan, it just happens that I usually work jobs where there is a radio/internal radio station playing all the time and its usually stock on a generic loop of top 40 songs so I heard this song a shit ton too. Anyhow, the song Just Like A Pill has some really fucking terrible lyrics. I don't really give a shit about what they lyrics are actually trying to say, the line "I tried to call the nurse again but shes being a little bitch" is just really fucking bad.

I do want to say that if Ms. Pink is reading this, I mean no offense. I'm sure you're a nice young woman and I probably sound like an asshole, but I just don't like your music.

Muy Importante

Reasons Why Southern California is Stupid

1. The Traffic - Yeah its a cliche to bitch about traffic in California but seriously, what the fuck its bad. Where is everyone going at every hour of the day or night? Compound this with the fact that traffic gets really fucking bad if it rains. And I'm not talking about the type of rain that overflows the streets and causes those mini-floods where you drive through and its super deep and your car gets stuck. I'm talking about rain that is just you know, a light patter of rain. Yet when this happens people act like it just snowed 12 inches in the last 2 hours. It slows shit down really bad.

Also if there is A SINGLE ACCIDENT on some stretch of any of the major freeways you get spill over into less traveled streets...which means it gets bad everywhere. And guess what, there is always a fucking accident.

2. Dogs - Everyone here has a fucking dog...but somehow there is some sort of intrinsic difference between the dog owner in Alabama or Nebraska or Minnesota....in California somehow people who own dogs manage to mostly just piss me off. From having your maid/house worker walk your dog, to the really stupid outfits that people have for dogs out here to, well...just I love dogs but people out here piss me off with their dogs.

3. Homeless people - I am completely empathetic to the homeless and their situation. That said, there are a lot of homeless people out here and I'm currently in some stage of homeless fatigue because I am one of those suckers who gives homeless people money. But when I'm walking and I get asked by 42 of them in a row I get annoyed.

I HAVE AN IDEA

I am going to pitch a dating show to MTV. Your standard and by standard I mean really fucking stereotypical "Frat Dude" and a really attractive yet studious young lady at the same college. Think, that really hot chick you see riding the campus bus who is both the lead cheerleader for the football cheer squad but is also double majoring in Biology and Aerospace Engineering and has already applied and been admitted to MIT to pursue her graduate studies in the effects of weightlessness on breast cancer cells.

The woman is supposed to fall for the guy while simultaneously reforming his "bro" like ways.

I CALL IT: BROMEO & JULIET.

Musings of a bored Person

I put a lot of thought into this last night while I was drinking...alone. If you didn't guess, I'm single because I thought about DVD covers while I was drinking alone on Valentines. Jesus christ that sounds bad.

Anyways, you may or may not notice that when movies come out there is usually one or two standard one sheets that come out and are placed in theaters promoting these upcoming titles. They typically range from terrible, to boring. Then another funnier thing happens. When it comes out on Blu-Ray or DVD the marketers decide to change up the poster from the actual theatrical release and usually just throw up the ol' "FLOATING HEADS" treatment for a dvd cover so all the people who are complete morons and buy dvds based only on covers will buy The Departed because it evidently has Matt Damon and Leo Dicaprio and they somehow didn't know this prior to buying it.

Even stupider is when a DVD has been out for a while...take the film Varsity Blues (which I really fucking love) and own. The original cover had a publicity still that I believe doubled as the films poster. It had the whole cast in a 'casual hey we're hanging out' pose either sitting in and or around the truck that Billy Bob owns and drives to school in the film. Well at some point in the last year the powers that be decide that this cover is fucking lame and instead they'll insert a really shitty photoshop composite picture for the cover. Seriously, this looks really fucking lame.

Which brings me to the best of the best of the worst cover of all time. This has been documented on multiple sites in the past but its worth noting. Check out the cover to Scrubs season 4. Notice anything weird?? MAYBE ITS ZACH BRAFF'S WRIST BENDING THE WRONG WAY OR HIS SNAKE LIKE ARM BEING FUCKING LONG AND FUCKED UP?!?!

Laziest fucking photoshop job ever. Also in part 2 of the ongoing series of scenes that make me cry (adding a little note that it doesn't have to be straight up balling, rather its the typical "MAN CRY" where you know are starting to tear up but you refuse to let yourself get to that point so as Bill Simmons points out, you act like Tom Cruise in Top Gun after goose dies and you're holding it in with that quivering lower lip but thats it)...I leave you with another scene. Not sure if this is just me but any movie no matter how bad can usually at the very least get my a bit choked up if it involves a long paegant like funeral (think soldier or cop or firefighter death ceremony).

Actually I won't post the clip since it is rather violent and I can't really find this scene specifically since youtube is a clusterfuck to search for clips. Anyways in Saving Private Ryan there are obviously several pretty brutal scenes but the one that kills me is where the medic played by Giovanni Ribisi is dying. His anguish and the futile attempts made by his squadmates to at the very least ease his pain always get me.

Holy Terrible News

Two funny pieces of news that seriously make me laugh, and not a good kind of laugh either.

1. Limp Bizkit is BACK!!! THANK GOD!!! Seriously though, they're back together. This is clearly the one big reunion we all wanted.

2. If you recall the movie Waiting, that starred Ryan Reynolds about those people who serve your food and why they hate you. Had a shit ton of potential to be one of the best comedies in a long time but squandered it on a poor script and really a lack of energy....well if you wanted a sequel with none of the more famous people returning from the original (Except Luiz Guzman) then you're in for a treat! Still Waiting is coming out soon! Well IMDB has Justin Long listed as well but I'm assuming since he is so low on the cast list its either a flashback or a cameo.

Lastly, I'm going to start doing an entire series of posts that conclude with 'Scenes that Make Me Cry'. I'm pretty sure i posted this scene a while ago but seriously, I think I'm way to easily emotionally manipulated by movies. This scene absolutely kills me when I watch it.

Gotta Be, Gotta Be, Dominoes...CRUNCHY THIN CRUST!

The title here is actually a bit of a misdirection ploy. Sung to the tune of 'We Will Rock You' by Queen, Dominoes actually had a commercial with that little jingle in it. I fucking hate advertising some times.

Anyways this has been touched on by the AV Club blogs and a lot of other stuff, but seriously, I fucking hate the new Pizza Hut commercials that have been going on for the last few months. As one of my former roommates has pointed out, in an earlier Pizza Hut "hidden camera" commercial they are in New York because New Yorkers know pasta and then they give these people pasta from Pizza Hut instead of the restaurant that they're at. The people rave about how it tastes so good and then are shocked (in a good way) that the food they had is actually pizza hut! What my roommate pointed out was that the pasta they served them had bits of bacon in it. Last time I checked, authentic Italian dining is not heavy on bacon all over the pasta.

Even worse are the latest round of stupid commercials where they go to Italy (WHERE THOSE GUYS KNOW PASTA EVEN MORE!) and one woman exclaims, "It's vivacious!!!" Right. This is literally the equivalent of me taking a few orders of food from Panda Express to some restaurant and feeding it to a Chinese Junk sailor and having him exclaim that "THIS IS JUST LIKE HOW MY MOM USED TO MAKE GENERAL TSO'S!!!"

And to quote another friend of mine, "To pull off the Pizza Hut commercials you have to have a lot of credibility. And we have no reason to think that the Italians really loved their pasta." In conclusion...stop making stupid commercials.

Dishonorable Mention: This goes to Wal-Mart for those commercials running before the Superbowl where the mom starts singing We Will Rock You and then the kid starts and then everyone is and they all get excited to buy junk food from the local Wal Mart. ANNOYING

Nipples

I was walking home today and I saw three mannequins in a window display at a womans clothing store and all three were seriously nipping out. What is the purpose of putting nipples on a mannequin besides drawing attention to how tight this shirt is on SAID mannequin and then have the subsequent feeling of both intrigue and also shame for even looking!!!

Even better is there is this place a few blocks away from my house that has this mannequin bust in the window and this mannequin has gigantic plastic breasts. I'd say in the F range for size. Not only is this projecting and creating a negative body image for the women who walk by this and now WILL DEMAND breast implants, but it makes you wonder who designs the mannequins?! They should make really obese mannequins and mannequins with gigantic testicles or something. Have a little fun with the mannequin industry!

This all leads me to my next point, Mannequin needs to be remade with a hip young cast and a fresh round of hip music. This time though I think the Mannequin should be a man and the lead is a woman who is just out of college trying to make her way in the Big City (New York). One night after being stood up by a guy she is walking home when her eye catches a sexy mannequin. The rest as we say, is history.

The Holy Trinity

I'm going to give a shout out to White Town for their hit single Your Woman. I actually really like this song...and for whatever reason I at least in my memory remember hearing this song all the time on weekends during the summer of 97. Like, it was on the radio a lot.

I actually lump this song, Closing Time by Semisonic, and The Way by Fastball as some sort of holy trinity of late 90's alternative rock super hits. In fact now that I think about it I'm going to officially start lumping those three bands and three songs in as a pop culturally important holy trinity of 97-1998. Bank on it people.

I think I should also point out that I heard Closing Time when I was ironically enough getting ready to leave work on Monday and it was a pretty awesomely surreal moment. I like these songs because they're clearly pretty well produced but it still has this weird stripped down feel to the song...in that a pop song that I hear today on the radio is really fucking over produced. Think...The Killers new album or something like that. And this is in a world where indie rock has not taken over the popular music radio waves and bands like Sugar Ray are still popular. Fucked up times people.

I have always also felt that the Grunge music "killing" glam rock was overrated on the scale of importance in pop culture music history where as Indie Rock killing this type of pop music is vastly under talked about. IF IT WASN'T FOR DEATH CAB FOR CUTIES RISE TO PROMINENCE WE'D BE ON FASTBALL'S 9TH GRAMMY WINNING ALBUM!!!

Big - LIVE BLOGGING EDITION

Big is a great movie and reminds everyone that Tom Hanks started out his career honing his comedic chops which I believe helped him establish his later more mature 'Every Man' roles which he often handled with just a sprinkle of deft humor.

:17 - Josh is playing some extremely old shitty text based computer game. Its also interesting that his parents are yelling at him because you hear his dad yell at him to "listen to his mother" since you never see the father in the entire film. Not even a shot of him worried since you know, his son has disappeared.

1:47 - Josh's friend "Billy" is that red headed kid who also starred in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Wonder where he is now?

2:44 - Cynthia is the Young Josh love interest. She is not really even cute...and she falls into the stupid 80's paradigm of 'I'm wearing a stupid jean jacked and bad hair but I'm supposed to be cute'

3:55 - Josh and Billy live next door to each other so they can talk to each other via walkie talkie. Now that I think about it, I wish I could have had this happen when I was younger.

4:58 - I lied, I guess I just saw Josh's father when he is at the carnival. His dad is carrying his baby sister. And directly after this scene we have the scene that causes the whole movie. He wants to go on the 'scary' ride with his dream girl Cynthia but he is too short. This is the type of incident that would scar you for life...but imagine if he does get on the ride. Not only does the entire not movie take place, but Big Josh aka Tom Hanks doesn't get laid later. I mean in reality (and I'll get into this later) but Josh is what, in sixth or seventh grade max and he's already had sex with a mature older woman and had a loving relationship, worked for a major company in New York, and owned a swank Manhattan loft with at least 2000 square feet. Baller Status achieved and he is not even 16. I should also mention the Carny/Carnie is totally an asshole to Josh when he can't get on the ride.

8:20 - Josh runs into Zoltar and makes his wish! OH SHIT!!!!

10:55 - Josh is now big. I would have liked to have seen some really disturbing transformation scene where his bones stretch out and its all gruesome ala any werewolf movie ever.

15:03 - Funny scene where Josh comes into his house and his mom is vacuuming and she is obviously freaked out and he apologizes and goes and wipes his feet on the doormat. Then we cut to a scene where Billy is at the school playing basketball and he is terrible. He has a wise cracking PE Coach with a thick New York accent. Funny.

18:18 - A less explored aspect of this entire movie is that his parents think Josh is kidnapped. They rarely explore the psychological aspect of what his parents go through. Maybe his dad and mom got in a fight after he disappeared and thats why you don't see his dad the rest of the movie.

20:00 - So Josh and his young friend Billy roll into New York and they have a good scene in Times Square and its all sleazy and homeless people abound and Josh is accosted by both a beggar and hooker. If this takes place in 1987 or 88 when it was released this is still Pre-Guliani era and for New York marks a historically bad period of crime and crack and issues in New York. If Big took place today there is no way Josh could even afford a hotel room.

26:27 - Josh goes to a job interview at Macmillan Toy Company for a computer operator. He is filling out a resume/template sheet in the office. This rings false! He gets the job anyways because the HR guy thinks he went to GW.

28:45 - Forgot to mention that Jon Lovitz is in this movie. Very small role as a guy stuck in a computer cubicle next to Josh but yeah. I wonder if they hooked him up in this role/friends via SNL. Or perhaps this is before that time...not sure.

30:38 - Robert Loggia, my favorite evil father in law from Over the Top makes his first screen appearance and he is flanked by the Dad from Home Alone. I don't know his name and in the spirit of this live blogging experience I won't look it up yet.

32:30 - Cue touching moments...Josh calls home and then he sings that song to his mom over the phone of the song she used to sing to him. Him mom starts to cry. Directly after this we see Josh watching the French Connection and there is gun fire and crying etc...good movie and great scene. Then he shuts off the tv and the exact sounds occur outside his hotel room. Another good scene.

35:00 - Silly string scene. I kind of want to buy some now.

36:00 - F.A.O. Schwarz scene. I've never been there but still have a strong desire to be there. It's like how I always felt about Lego Land until..you know, I got to go there.

38:15 - So we've hit the iconic piano playing scene. Probably the most famous scene from this movie and I would actually put it in a top 500 iconic film scenes ever in film history. I am almost positive that if this was on in a bar or some tv display at Best Buy, people would naturally watch it and not be able to contain at least a small grin. Not sure why, but it is charming. I must imagine though that this scene would have been a pain in the ass to film.

41:55 - Josh's secretary was I believe the mom from That 70's Show.

42:31 - I did actually pause the DVD here because there is a shot of Josh on the milk carton being missing. It looks like it says he was born 1/28/76 and he disappeared on 9/12/87. That makes him 11...so thats uhh, 5th grade?

43:11 - Elizabeth Perkins/Susan begins to see the childish charm in Josh during a market report in which he states "I Don't Get It?" Susan is also wearing a lot of great 80's power woman clothes. Although I haven't noticed any hardcore shoulder pads yet.

46:45 - I don't remember this but evidently there is a musical montage sequence of Josh having fun with his new money etc. being at a Yankees game and if I'm not mistaken this is Huey Lewis and The News.

48:45 - Party time for corporate MacMillan. Josh is about to roll in with his badass tux. And if I'm not mistaken Josh is about to seriously put the moves on Susan. Jon Lovitz dances bad, Josh eats a lot of gross shit and doesn't know how to eat mini corn etc. I actually find this entire sequence a bit tiring. I mean yeah, its more fish out of water crap but I like how Susan is bored of Mr. Home Alone Dad and wants to just get her freak on/move up the corporate ladder by fucking Josh. So yeah she starts out as a bitch but then learns to LOVE!!! It is funny how Josh ignores her come ons though and is hyped to be in a LIMO. I think I'm kind of the same way. If I get in a LIMO I'll immediately be more excited about whatever I'm doing. If I'm going to a root canal in a LIMO I'd be more excited.

56:19 - Ok he has a bunk bed and more sexual moves go by. Top bunk etc. I feel like i'm summarizing the movie right now and thats not what the point of this was about. He does have a pepsi machine in his room which is fucking awesome . I guess I'm still stuck in arrested development where I think 90 percent of what Josh has in his apartment is awesome.

1:04:40 - We're officially entering the part of the movie where it gets too sappy...or as I call it, THE TIME SCOTT STOPS WATCHING THIS MOVIE WHEN ITS ON CABLE AND STARTS CHANNEL SURFING. This is a movie where the parents can take their kids to the movie and the kid laughs at the slapstick stuff but the parents can get a little bit of a love story.

Susan starts falling for Josh's boying (GET IT..BOYISH!!!) charm. Little does she know she is committing statutory rape. And then we get the stomach punch moment a minute later as she is dumping Mr. Home Alone Dad and says that Josh, "IS A GROWN UP!!" GET IT?!?!

1:12:43 - Yeah I'm pretty much hard up on comments at this point. It has turned into touching scenes of emotional connection. I'm a bitter cold husk of a human being though so these scenes have no effect on me!!!

1:14:00 - Josh touches his first boob.

1:32:44 - I've kind of zoned out a bit but here we are. Josh has gone back to the Zoltar machine and is about to wish that he was a young kid again. Of course over the course of these scene and the last few we have Susan dealing with the fact that she fell in love with a Man-Child. It has to be a bit humiliating. I mean how does she go on knowing that the one relationship in her life has pretty much been a sham!!? Also, Josh just comes through with his true age that he is only 13.

1:38:33 - Okay this next scene bothers me. Josh is getting dropped off in his neighborhood by Susan and he is wearing a suit. The camera cuts and he is now all of a sudden young Josh again immediately. First of all, the transformation happening that fast rings false and going back to the opening transformation scene which happened to coincide with a freak storm indicates that something supernatural was occuring. So I guess the storm was just a coincidence?

The ending scene is Josh back with his old red headed buddy walking down the street talking about stick ball. Its worth noting that the original ending was to be Josh in class and then a new young girl is introduced in the class and its heavily implied that Susan had wished herself young. If that had been the ending...that would have been terrible.

And now finally checking wikipedia/imdb it appears a special edition has been released that has extended footage with over 20 minutes of new scenes. I should get that. I should also point out I don't hate the love story in this movie and it provides the last 1/3rd of the movie with a great emotional arc. But once you really start thinking about how Josh is just 13, it does start getting plain freaky!

Fake Post

Mini Post here. Favorite Scene from Wayne's World 2 here:

Follow Up

So my Jewel tirade got a bit of welcome reader feedback. I'd also like to thank one Ms. Extreme Ash for the boost in traffic. I think I have 3 loyal readers up from 1! Since we're talking about girls I dig, I want Shannyn Sossamon to be in more movies. I'd put her up in the top five most under appreciated beautiful women in the world. She is sometimes seen sporting really fucked up hair cuts, which is cool by me. In fact I'd prefer to date her over the nerds choice Natalie Portman....OVERRATED.

Coming in the next few days. I should be able to do a 'Live Blog' of the movie Big. Believe you me when I say this will be fucking epic. Also I hope to do a new fast food review...as well as perhaps a beer review.

Last I will say that jesus fucking christ there are a lot of really skinny older women around here who have terrible fucking facial plastic surgery so their face looks fucked up with no wrinkles but oddly shiny and giant ass botoxed fucking lips. Seriously ladies...please fucking stop this. Goddamn, I'm not joking when I say it fucking freaks me out when you all do this.

Last last last, I am going to opine a bit about the state of frozen treats. The McFlurry is really a poor excuse for a fucking ice creamy treat mixed with various tasty goods. Last time I got a Oreo McFlurry it was basically oreo dust mixed with soft serve. I prefer Dairy Queen's thick chuncks of oreo mixed in with their soft serve. I will also say that its fucking hard to find a good Chocolate Milkshake (Note I capatalized Chocolate Milkshake to emphasize how important they are) these days. You either go to some lame-o over priced shit storm like Johnny Rockets (Really the biggest fucking ripoff for an over done burger and fries that cost you 13 dollars) or you settle for some sort of middle ground swill at McDonalds or various other fast food places. In-n-Out provides a pretty good one at a moderate price.

I feel like I'm John Travolta's character in Pulp Fiction expressing my own disbelief and displeasure at spending five dollars on a malt/shake and while it might taste good I'm cheap.

P.S. Jamba Juice is a ripoff as well.

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

That song sucked.

Anyways, going back to talk about a few more older commercials I remember. Remember those stupid Pace Picante salsa ads on tv where the cowboys are sitting around a fire eating and then one of them takes out salsa and its from New York City and the whole group goes "NEW YORK CITY?!?!" Fucking stupid....and then the one guy mumbles "GET A ROPE." Yeah, lets murder this fucking guy because he has salsa from the wrong state!!!



Okay I'm over the whole commercial memory lane aspect of my life for now. Let's look back at a band that in retrospect is easy to make fun of, but for a short period of time was one of the more popular acts in the country and the world! I'm talking about the band Limp Bizkit. People rag on the 80's for its supposedly bad music, but only in the late 90's could a band like Limp Bizkit emerge. When their two greatest hits were 1. A Cover of a George Michael Song and 2. A song called 'Nookie'. I mean, its really one of the greater odditities in the history of music that Fred Durst would for a short period of time emerge as some sort of rock icon and would later go on to cover The Who's 'Behind Blue Eyes' which would go down in my book as one of the worst and most pointless covers of all time. I'd like to also point out that i think George Michael is underrated as a pop musician and that his success is often overshadowed for his public restroom behavior and as the butt end to jokes that have to do with his association with WHAM!

By far the funniest thing that was associated with Fred Durst is that he appeared as a bonus character in the videogame for Fight Club. Long story short the game was released 5 years after the movie came out and was spurned on no doubt hoping that there were enough gullable idiots to buy the game....and yeah it totally misses the point of the story all together since the game is just a fighting game. I never played the game myself but I kind of want to still, if only for the chance to beat the shit out of Fred Durst in game.


Lastly, in reference to the title here of the post we have another late 90's gem in Where Have All the Cowboys Gone. This song is a really fucking weird pop song that has a really weird opening and hook. Paula Cole's attempt at "Breaking it Down" with her little "Yippee Aye Yippee Ay" has to go down in history as one of the weirder points in music history (I'm full of hyperbole tonight). Interesting fact, this lost for best female Video in the 97 MTV Music Awards (remember when those were kind of a hip alternative to "STUFFY" awards shows instead of just being another boring award show?) to Jewel's 'You Were Meant For Me.' By the way I still totally think Jewel is hot and awesome.

I'd also go on to argue that You Were Meant For Me is a song that is criminally under used in popular culture (TV, Films, ETC.) when it comes to montages of a woman who just broke up with her boyfriend and is now depressed. Plus, wasn't Jewel totally pre-empting the entire indie take over of the music industry by a good 8 years? I mean, her early entries into music were best described as "FOLK POP" or at the time "Coffee House" style music...heavy on acoustic and a very stripped down sound. I honestly think if this single dropped right now it could be just as successful. And yeah, I'm starting to sound like a Jewel fanatic here, but I think there is something strongly endearing about her fucked up teeth...and yeah they're not fucked up but I mean I think there is one or two teeth that aren't exactly straight. Obviously she could afford to fix this slight imperfection but to me, hey its cool!

Tarzan Boy: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Listerine

First of all, props to myself for this amazing post title. This is in reference to the band Baltimora and their song 'Tarzan Boy' which I mostly remember for being put in a Listerine commercial with a listerine bottle swinging on vines in a Tarzan like fashion. Also was featured in the hit movie Beverly Hills Ninja. The song can be viewed in video form here:




This is a great example of a one hit wonder...and also a weird combo of Italian New Wave. Initially I had a lot to say about this song but basically it speaks for itself. I will fondly remember the Listerine bottle swinging from vine to vine echoing through my childhood.

UPDATE: I FOUND IT!

To Hot To Handle...Too Cold To Hold

What the world needs is more Randy Savage....The Macho Man that is. I'm going out on a limb and saying that he is one of the few true geniuses of our time. Besides releasing a mega awesome rap album (Look it up if you don't believe me) and endorsing one of mans greatest creations (the slim jim) I will always love Randy Savage because he is a true genius of the spoken word.

When I Was Scared

It should come as no surprise that many children are practically raised by the family television. I can say honestly that as a young and then not so young child I was addicted to television. Thankfully I was also blessed with cable at a young age. School cancelled due to a blizzard? Great!! The warm glow of the television will keep me occupied. While many of my formative moments growing up came about thanks to television, two stand out in my mind.

The first would be me watching the movie Se7en by David Fincher. Sitting home watching Se7en on HBO was quite the interesting experience. Not only was I too young to be watching such a graphic movie, I can state without reservation that I didn't understand half of what was going on anyways. Anyone who has watched the movie knows there are many shocking moments, but the one that sticks out most is the SWAT raid of the alleged serial killers home. SWAT is humorously led by a bald and hard ass John Mcginley. They bust into the purported killers apartment (which they track down by linking the fingerprints found behind a painting) and note that there are hundreds of gas station TREE air fresheners hanging from the ceiling. As the camera pulls back into a bedroom, there on a stained mattress we see a completely emancipated hollow corpse. Mr. Mcginley leans in to the presumed dead body and whispers "You got what you deserved." No sooner does this sentence finish the corpse jumps to life moaning and screaming.

The point of moaning and screaming coincided with me literally jumping back from the television and yelling in complete fear and panic. We've all had moments of dread and fear but this is probably the closest I've come to shitting my pants. Credit goes to Fincher for staging the scene perfectly and lulling the viewer (me) into a modest sense of security only to rip this false security blanket out from me and throw me naked into Buffalo Bill's well.

I Like The Radio

Maybe living in California has made me soft. Driving to work a couple times a week I listen to the radio and its actually not bad. KROQ (K ROCK) plays kind of like an ipod playlist I would have. Foo Fighters, The Offspring, and then some newer hip songs sprinkled in the mix. I actually really like the radio station and they always seem to play some random Postal Service song right after the sun goes down and it sets the mood perfectly.

Which brings up my next point about how random life can be. Isn't it awesome when you're listening to (Insert musical emitting device) and a song comes on and it so perfectly sets the mood of whatever situation you're in...whether you just broke up with your significant other or you are driving on a rain soaked road and feeling sad or you just feel fucking happy and that perfect song comes up and its like the soundtrack of your life is occuring?! Well, sometimes its awesome and it happens. Enjoy that.

Adam Carolla in the morning is funny. He is funny...unlike his abomination of a television show he had for a few months. Enough about radio though...lets talk important things like movies and how I hate people.

The Wrestler - Amazing film and Rourke definitely deserved the Golden Globe. It helps that I enjoy wrestling and geeked out on the accuracy of much of the portrayal of an over the hill wrestler. As an aside, Marissa Tomei plays a stripper (I think this is her third stripper in the last few years) and she gets naked a lot. I don't mean this in any sort of overt sexual crude way, but she looks really amazing for a 44 year old woman. Did I mention half her screen time is nude or near nude?

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - I liked it. Its a bit long, Brad Pitt doesn't do much but the end still had me getting a bit choked up. I guess I'm just a sentimental guy. Still, if you're not sold on the premise just wait for the DVD to drop.

The iPhone - It rocks and has changed my life for the better. I would really like copy and paste on this fucker though.

My New Job - It sucks, so someone offer me a better higher paying one please.

Living In California - Someone fucking visit me or something.

A Serious Question

Does anyone actually like Insane Clown Posse? I mean, when you read this sentence did you not just immediately get a stupid smirk on your face in reference to this musical act?! After reading the wikipedia page on not only the Insane Clown Posse, but also the wikipedia page on "Juggalos" I have a new understanding of their fans. They are morons.

There is a little get together known as the "Gathering of the Juggalos" which is also known as "Juggalo Woodstock." There is also the term "Juggalette" since of course you better not be sexist! I could go on about how funny this is but I'll leave it at this...a disturbing report by Utah police.

"According to West Valley City Police Department, there are 3,000 to 4,000 Juggalos in Utah. Of those, about 15 percent are considered to be gang members. "

These are dark days indeed.

Pop Culture Musings

When I walk into a big bookstore like the Barnes and Noble on the Third Street Promenade the magazine shelves are tiered into a few sections. Sports, Mens magazines, Womens, Fashion, Culture (music, tattoos, drugs!), and weird foreign ones that people buy to look smarter.

The mens magazine section is by far the most interesting to me...not only because I consider myself a man (HAHA) but I buy the most magazines from here. I like to look at GQ and Esquire because they make me feel smarter when I read one of their many well written articles. One bonus in buying one of these magazines too is that there is often an attractive woman on the cover of the magazine but you don't feel the inherent patheticness and stigma that is attached to say, buying Maxim. Bringing it up to the teenage girl who works the register just feels wrong.

Then there is the magazine Vanity Fair...is this a "manly" magazine or a more feminine one...or is it something in the middle. Last months issue had Kate Winslet looking stunning, yet I still wanted to get it for the articles. Strange, I realize. I also like looking through GQ and seeing a 450 dollar tie bar or 3500 dollar shoes...things I'll never own even if I imagine I could someday have the money to purchase such things. I do read the articles that can affirm my own man hood like knowing where the best steak houses are in New York, which at this point does me no good either.

WWE Style Wrestling Should be an Olympic Sport

The concept is simple. I feel that the outcome being predetermined actually makes the event itself more exciting. You (the viewer) will feel in your gut that you know how the predetermined end will occur, yet you do not and will root for who you wish to win. The theatrics of wrestling actually play into the Olympic atmosphere of competition. Can you imagine a ladder match that in the end gives out a gold medal. The Montreal Screwjob 0n an Olympic level would be the biggest scandal EVER. Also, as the writer Bill Simmons has pointed out, theme music makes everything better. Mashing both national anthems and Shawn Michaels 'Sexy Boy' Theme would be simply mind blowing. (Jim Ross announcing also)

Coach (The Tv Series)

In what has to be the worst move in the history of the University of Minnesota, the show Coach was originally supposed to reflect the school but they withdrew their support. How fucking stupid. If they would have endorsed the show at least the fake tv football program would have a successful football program.

BONUS WWF FOOTAGE OF MARK HENRY READING A POEM ABOUT OWEN HART (I CRIED):

Back Logged

Lots to talk about and believe me my big brain has been working OT.

First of all, Rambo II and III. These movies of course are brilliant on multiple levels. You have Rambo II which from now on I will dub Vietnam War II: This Time We Win. Maybe I'm giving too much credit to this film and the writing team that included James Cameron but lets be clear here, Rambo II aka First Blood Part II aka Vietnam War II: This Time We Win is completely hilariously awesome in its many allegories to Vietnam War I: The War We Lost. I am of course an expert on the Vietnam War as I took ONE WHOLE class about it my Sophomore year in college!!!!!

The movie begins with Rambo breaking up rocks in some hard labor camp because you know, he blew up a whole fucking town in the first movie and made Brian Dennehey (that spelling is wrong) and his police force his own personal punching bag. Which reminds me that Brian Dennehey only reminds me of that terrible ESPN movie Season on the Brink about Bobby Knight. Anyhow, Rambo is recruited on what is later found out to be a PR mission to just "Take photos" of camps where POWs are presumably being held. What we find out though is that a weasely pencil pusher beuracrat doesn't even care about the POW's that may or may not exist!! Parralels from the war include this 'pencil pushers' belief that superior technology will triumph over low grade tech and hard work....which of course is the Vietcong beating the technologically superior United States. The closing scene even has Rambo coming back into the high tech command center yelling with rage and shooting the shit out of the place.

The classic line, "Do we get to win this time?" is uttered. Also Rambo has a brief love at first sight romance with an asian woman who talks very broken english.

Let us not dwell on Vietnam War II...as we have Rambo III..aka Rambo helps the Taliban. The plot in this one is even shittier so I'm not going to bother.

Key Points in Rambo III include:

-Rambo RAMS A TANK HE IS DRIVING INTO A HELICOPTER!!!!
-The line, "God would have mercy, John Rambo won't"
-The film concludes with a dedication to the people of Afghanistan...and implies that they are dedicating it to those scrappy freedom fighters taking on those darn soviets....aka the Taliban!

Now a Book Review: Rebels On the Backlot or as I call it: Really Shitty Book

I ended up skimming good portions of this book because it is pretty terrible. I guess this is because I'm already a movie nerd and was more interested in how these "rebels" broke through the hollywood system and worked within the confines of it. Instead I learned that Tarantino doesn't bathe. Now maybe I already knew too much about Spike Jonze but some of the things that the author was saying about him were pretty much false. I also had issues with her wording on things. She implies that the Jonze directed video for the song "Sabotage" is responsible for giving The Beastie Boys their first huge hit. This is patently false on several levels...now I do concur that the video in conjunction with heavy play on MTV at a time where MTV's influence was at an all time high no doubt helped the record, but The Beastie Boys were successful prior to this as well. Yeah, I'm nitpicking a single sentence that was pretty much throwaway in this book but it bothered me. Too gossipy, not enough hard information, and overall pretty boring....boourns.

Chinese Democracy exists...is out, people have heard it. The record that is pretty much dead set on not coming out in 2008 despite the promises is of course the long awaited album by Dr. Dre known as DETOX. I am waiting to lay back in my shack, play this track. Also I was waiting for the bus the other day and this guy in a nice new BMW rolled up and was bumping Regulators by Warren G. If you don't know this song or the record you better go download it right now. The G Funk Era is an era that I rank right behind the Industrial Revolution era.

Lastly, there is a place called DRAGO right across the street from the bar I always go too. I have been tempted to run into that place (only after growing a healthy beard) and wearing a stocking cap and what not and yelling "DRAGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Rocky 4 joke you uncultured bastards.

Holy Cow

Long time no blog. Haha, get it? Fuck you.

Anyways, there are a few things that need to be said. Mystic River, Gone Baby Gone, and Michael Clayton all blew me the fuck away. Really good movies. I'm currently reading The Devil in the White City, also fucking awesome thus far.

Not so awesome, being poor. There is a lot I could say about living in California but I mean you can pretty much guess it. Traffic sucks or something, weather is nice, and all that jazz. Interesting note though, living alone creates new levels of paranoia and even though the odds of a break in are infinitely low, I still freak out when I hear random noises at night.

Also, dear hot chick who comes to where I work, please go out with me.

Greetings

From the sunny state of California I stab at thee. Couple interesting things to note when you live in a place and area infested with people with more wealth invested in a single car than I may make over the next ten years....it makes me feel bad!

On the other hand the beach is nice. This post sucks ass but I promise more interesting and funny stories...such as the homeless guy who is chilling in the library and has a laptop. I suppose being homeless ain't that bad if you can get free wireless.

T-Pain is Terrible

Woah...long time with no blogging. Sorry.

Anyways the topic of tonights discussion will be T-Pain and his song "Can't Believe It." First I should say I've heard this song maybe 3 times and every time it was heard on B 96 one of a few R&B/Hip Hop stations in the Twin Cities. Also, holy shit htis song is bad. T-Pain is only 23 but he already has more money than I will ever have and slept with more women who were undoubtebly more beautiful than any women I have slept with. This all in mind, the lyrics to the song "Can't Believe It" are so terrible I just have to highlight them and make a running commentary here.

If you want to listen to the song: CLICK HERE

Anyways the song is essentially an ode to a woman that T-Pain appears to love/lust after. The main rub of the song is that he intends to shower her with gifts but also provide her with great vacations/trips to many destinations. This is where it gets funny.

He first offers her a "cabin, somewhere in aspen." This sounds alright.

He then offers to put her, "In a mansion, all the way in wiscansin." Not only does a mansion in Wiscansin (sic) not sound terribly appealing, is the dream of many a woman to live in a nice house in the suburbs of Milwaukee?

"I'll put you in a condo, all the way in Toronto" says T-Pain...and once more that sounds shitty. Why a condo in toronto? So many unanswered questions, but at least T-Pain knows what he wants to do with his women.

SportsClips Haircuts

Or rather, what the fuck is this bullshit? At my work I found a few coupons for a $7.95 "Varsity Haircut" at SportsClips. According to the coupon, "Guys Win, Sports on TV, and Guy Smart Stylists." Included is an extremely cheesy picture of a guy getting a haircut from a woman in a terrible windbreaker jacket that is evidently "athletic" in nature. Did I mention the coupon is shaped like a ticket stub.

On the back of the ticket the slogan says "Where guys are treated like M.V.P.s EVERY DAY!" According to its own website, the story of SportsClips began when CEO Gordan Logan "recognized there was a market niche in targeting just for guys hair salons. No longer would a guy have to enter a woman's salon with its smelley perms and hair colors." They will also deliver haircuts without all that "Fuss and chit chat of a full service salon." Did I mention they have lots of televisions with sports on them. So far it doesn't sound that bad but on the other hand it doesn't sound that good either. The premise is stupid if you ask me but evidently this is a wildly popular growing business according to the website.

Two things that strike me as fundamentally wrong with this company. First I would like to point out that if you were really a true sports fan you wouldn't go to get your haircut if there was anything even remotely important regarding sports that you cared about going on at the same time. It's Sunday afternoon and the Vikings need to win to seal the division. I'm not about to go to Sportscuts just because they'll have a tv with the game on. Secondly, who gives a shit about the "chit chat" and the "smells." Say what you want but I enjoy it! Going into a nicer salon and getting a nice hair cut from a woman (or the occasional man) who knows what the fuck is up is nice and relaxing. Do we as society (and as sports fans) really need a place to get our haircut that is sports related? Must we also make the women working at sportscuts dress in terrible terrible uniforms? I guess we do.

Late Night Television

In the blur that is late night television I saw 3 things that either made me laugh or made me feel disturbed.

First was the new Extenze male enhancement commercial. I only saw the last second as a new informercial was coming on but what I did seed is extenze now has some sort of drink that will evidently make you "bigger." Yes, it comes in a aluminum can and it was really weird. Maybe it tastes like MONSTER.

Secondly I saw a commercial where this young lady was walking around and basically every guy she ran into whether it was the hot guy at school or the creepy old guy at the movie theater kept saying hi to her. Except as the commercial progressed the people saying hi got creepier and asked things like "What underwear are you wearing today." The message at the end though was simply that you should be careful of what you post online. Interesting.

Lastly and I think I've already posted about this before but basically there is this one bowel cleansing commercial where this dude with creepy eyebrows talks about how much bad stuff we breathe in and eat. They show a really weird picture of what is allegedly a "colon discharge" following a cleanse. It was a big green blob. Disgusting.

Thanks Late night tv.

Ultimate 80's Comedy Starring Me

The movie would be called Wave Racer. I would be a a kid from California that moves to a town of approximately 14,000 in Michigan. The town would be primarily blue collar factory type workers and I would be the outsider surfer dude. My parents would have just divorced and now I'm moving back to Michigan to live with my mom (where she is originally from). The opening scene would have the song Surfin' USA playing ironically as I am on the airplane with my walkman blasting as you see a brief montage of me on the plane. When the plane lands I look out the window and see snow. I react with a stunned look as I am in board shorts and a Hawaiian t-shirt. I greet my mother at the gate and she immediately tells me how I'll love it here and how its not that bad and how I'll make all new friends. (This also sets up the subsequent sequel where I am back in California and the girlfriend I met back in Michigan comes to visit me and she is now the fish out of water.)

The first day of school I step out of my moms rusty car and after she wishes me a good first day and drives off I get in the face with a snowball while a group of tough looking dudes in stupid looking school jackets laugh and tell me if I'm going to go to the beach and cry about it.

I will be greeted immediately be an awkward but endearing guy and a bookish but cute girl who is to shy to really say anything to me but she is wearing overalls that are 3 sizes too big and a pink dayglow shirt underneath them.

I will fill in more details later but there is definitely going to be a montage set to the Cutting Crew - I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight, in which I'm very angry and sad and there has to be a key scene where the camera is juxtaposed over my shoulder in my bedroom as I stare longinly at a poster of a palm tree. There will also be the triumphant end scene at a party where I stun the local bullies who tormented me the entire movie when a above ground swimming pool breaks and I surf the wave that is created while simultaneously knocking the main bully and his henchmen to the ground.

Not In Defense of Stupidity

Let me be clear. I am a pretty normal guy who believes in certain things and sometimes these things are worth fighting for...protesting and all that fun. That said I find out today that the 21 month (Yes, Month) standoff at Berkeley ended. The standoff was over the plan to cut down multiple redwood trees on campus to make way for a new athletic center.

I'm not going to get into the protest itself but rather that these people were up there for 21 months. They are either extremely well off or...well homeless or something. I mean if I could just hang out for 21 months I definitely would. 21 fucking months of doing nothing but sitting in a fucking tree? Where can I sign up?! Or better yet I'll do a sit in at a bedroom...even if it means urinating and defecating in a bucket that I empty from a 7th floor bedroom I can stay isolated that long if I'm drawing in money/donations.

I guess I do have one bone to pick with the protestors. Evidently they were against the building of this new athletic center and cited the fact that this building would sit on the Hayward fault line and is therefore dangerous. I have some news for you...all of California is sitting on various fault lines and it is inherently dangerous to live in and around California. The good news is that at least one of the "mature redwoods" is being relocated.

Edit/Update: Upon further investigation and checking the L.A. Times, I've found out that at times tree sitters rotated. One of the tree sitters who was up for 7 months calls herself "Dumpster Muffin." Right.

In Defense of Stupidity

The Vikings lost against the Packers early tonight/yesterday and boy did it ruin my day. With that in mind I move on to more pressing issues.

So evidently the Thai Prime Minister Samak Sundaravej has been ordered to resign after being found guilty of violating the constitution after he went on a cooking show. How embarrassing is that? I just found that funny.

The real meat of this post though involves the folks at Forbes. Forbes is currently in extremely dubious standing with me right now as they rank the University of Minnesota as the 524th best college in America out of 569. That's right folks...Millsaps College is 400 spots better! Besides the dubious ranking methods I am incredulous as why my degree is worth so little. That said I really wanted to talk about the Forbes ranking of Best Cities for Singles.

They came out with a new list and Minneapolis is tied at 3rd with Dallas for best cities for singles. I would argue that there is no "best city" for singles because when you're single you are going to feel like shit and if you are dating someone you can live in Butte, Montana or New York, New York and you'll feel good about yourself. It is definitely worth noting that they list Atlanta as the number one city to be single in which in itself should be a warning sign.

Insert self-deprecating joke about being single in the number 3 city.

A Short History of Torture - The Minnesota Vikings

It is almost football season which means one thing. The eventual heart wrenching end to another Vikings season. Here is a short list of hilarious incidents in Vikings history.


*Vikings vs. Cardinals, Dec. 28, 2003 - Needing a victory to make the playoffs the mighty Arizona Cardinals with their 3-12 record manage to defeat the Vikings on a last second play to dash the Vikings hopes. The Cardinals on that last play were in a 4th & 25 situation.

*Vikings vs. 49ers, Oct. 25, 1964 - Jim Marshall runs the wrong way and instead of scoring a touchdown ends up giving the 49ers 2 points. The Vikings win the game, but this highlight will be included in every "Wildest Plays" countdown for the rest of eternity.

*Vikings vs. Falcons, Dec. 1, 2002 - In another highlight reel video, [[Michael Vick]] defeats the Vikings in overtime as he scrambles causing two Viking players to collide.

*Vikings vs. Cowboys, Jan. 3, 1983 - In another highlight reel video that goes down in history, [[Tony Dorsett]] runs a 99 yard touchdown. This is the longest run from scrimmage in NFL history. He does this even though the Cowboys have only 10 players on the field at the time.

*Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers/Antonio Freeman, Nov. 6, 2000 - Another highlight play to go down in history. In overtime (Wow this happens a lot!) a pass is deflected by a Vikings defender...it hits off of Freeman's shoulder, rolls up in the air and into his hands. Another clip of shame is added to the Minnesota Vikings long list.

*Vikings vs. Cowboys, Dec. 28, 1975 - Have you ever wondered where the term for a last second desperation bomb known as a "Hail Mary" came from? Well it came from Roger Staubach refers to his pass as a hail mary in postgame interviews...following of course a last second long bomb that defeats the Vikings in the playoffs. Worth noting is that [[Fran Tarkenton]]'s father who was watching the game died of a heart attack during the 3rd quarter. Even more, the reason the Cowboys were able to complete this Hail Mary pass is because the Dallas receiver Drew Pearson pushes down the Vikings defender and no penalty is called. The Cowboys are cheaters.

*Vikings vs. Falcons, Jan. 17, 1999 - Vikings with a league best 15-1 record and an amazing offensive core come into the NFC Championship game with high hopes. Many feel they are the odds on favorites to win the Superbowl. [[Gary Anderson]] manages to miss a fieldgoal...something he didn't do all season. I think we all know what happened.

*Vikings vs. Redskins, Jan. 17, 1988 - NFC Division Championship. (Jan. 17 hates the Vikings) Trailing 17-10, the Vikings drove to the Redskins' six yard line with a little over a minute left in the game but failed to get the ball into the end zone. Darren Nelson dropped a pass from Wade Wilson at the goal line to officially end the Vikings' hopes of a Super Bowl. (Thanks Wikipedia!)

*Vikings vs. Giants, Jan. 14, 2001 - Vikings come into this game feeling confident. With a 11-5 season record and a strong game against the Saints in the previous playoff game the Vikings are once again considered a legitimate contender for a Super Bowl ring. In the conference championship game they decide to show what they're really made of by letting the Giants rape the Vikings 41-0. They make [[Jason Sehorn]] look like [[Deion Sanders]] era 1995.

*Vikings vs. St. Louis Rams, Jan. 16, 2000 - The Vikings were coming into this Divisional Playoff game fresh off a victory over the Cowboys. After last seasons loss to the Falcons which put most of the state on suicide watch, the Vikings found themselves back in the playoffs with the nucleus of the 15-1 team still intact. While the Vikings certainly put up a fight in this game, they ended up being overmatched and lost 49-37. In other news, [[Jeff George]] was the goddamn QB.

*Vikings vs. Tragedy Aug. 1, 2001 - [[Korey Stringer]] tragically dies in training camp.

*Vikings vs. Superbowl - What you need to know is the Vikings have been to four Super Bowls and won none. 1970, 1974, 1975, and 1977. See also Trophy Case.

*Vikings vs. Sexboat Oct. 2005 - Alright, this is actually pretty funny.

*Vikings vs. Herschel Walker - The Largest Trade in NFL history. The Vikings got Herschel Walker. The Cowboys got 3 Super Bowls.

*Vikings vs. Randy Moss - Raiders got Randy Moss. Vikings got Napolean Harris and some guy who couldn't catch shit.

*Vikings vs. Jim Mcmahon - We actually let him be a QB on this team...along with half the NFL.

*Vikings vs. (Reserved For Future Torture)

Remember That Old Commercial?

I measure my life in reflecting on moments I saw on television. Pretty awesome way to live. Though I'm glad this classic Folger's commercial still gets played.



This just reminded me of that Fruity Pebbles christmas commercial. Please watch this and we will discuss.



So Barney decides to dress up as Santa to try to get some Fruity Pebbles...but the real Santa has already shown up in Bedrock and Fred gave him a bowl. Not only is Barney impersonating Santa on Christmas Eve (which by the way is a big fucking deal when you're doing this to actively deceive your close friend just so you can eat his food), but Barney is too late and Santa already has his food...yet Barney still gets indignant!

Note Fred's disgust as he says, "YOUR PEBBLES?!?" Yet Santa quickly resolves this tense situation by remind him that, "Tis the season to be sharing Fred." Sorry but no. Breaking and entering, trying to deceive a friend, treating Santa like shit, and finally getting to eat Fred's pebbles anyways?! FUCK YOU BARNEY.