Oh Jesus

The People who appear in these clips are actually the people who are running this country. God Save The Queen.

Christmas Time Means Only One Thing

I watch a lot of television and crappy tv movie that get put on this time a year when there are hours of dead space the networks have to fill.

First on the agenda: The Jackson: An American Dream. Things I learned from this tv mini-series/movie that aired originally on ABC back in 1992 include the fact that Joseph Jackson (The Jackson Patriarch was insane), Michael Jackson had a pet mouse that was brutally killed by his dad, and that Billy Dee Williams is a cool mother.

Second On The Agenda: Law and Order: SVU which I touched on only in title in my last post was something I did/have been watching a bit more of lately. Due to a comment I thought I would post some thoughts on how this show originally started as a show that dealt with disturbing sex related crimes and has now turned in to a 'Ripped From the Headlines Insanity Show' on rival with any crazy ass crime show out there.

I could go on for hours but the reality is the show from my recollection started as a lot more grounded in reality. The crimes were not insane internet pervert plans to broadcast his rape/murder across the internet while wearing a bunny mask...more it was a person was molested and they want to find the creep that did it. After 11 seasons on the air the other problem is that unlike Law and Order (OG) they have really delved right in to extensive character back stories and given them stupid little things that set them off.

You remember how in Back to the Future Marty is never called a chicken and this is never brought up. Then in Part 2 and Part 3 all of a sudden it is Marty's central ethos...that of never backing down when challenged even if that means he crashes his truck in to the Rolls Royce and it ruins his guitar playing hand and his band 'The Pinheads' never make it big!!!!!!!

Well this is what they've done in Law and Order SVU. Christopher Meloni who plays Elliot Stabler is a dedicated cop...SO DEDICATED HE SOMETIMES GETS TO INTENSE. If there is a child being molested believe you me he will freak out. Midway through the interrogation he will grab the perp and yell, "I HAVE A KID MAN!!!!"

Mariska Hargitay plays Olivia Benson. Her existence in the show is a result of her mother being raped. This wreaks havoc on her at times and i swear there are a few episodes where she has huge bouts of guilt for not only not stopping her mom from being raped but also other people who came to her for help. This is a legitimately serious issue in most shows but again it has now devolved in to caricature from time to time. Mariska is also on my list of underrated hotties of the decade (LIST COMING SOON)!

Richard Belzer, Ice-T and a bunch of other cool dudes round out the cast. That said any time any Law and Order decides to rip a story from the headlines it always ends up half baked.



I did want to embed this video just to show you Charlie Day who has now become the lovable goof Charlie on It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia was doing some Law and Order classic back in the day.

Sneak peak at the under rated ladies of the decade...I'm putting Claire Danes up on that list. Total girl next door vibe and she has silently been somewhat under the radar for the better part of the past 10 years.

Things that Need to Stop: PEOPLE RIDING BIKES AND TALKING ON THEIR CELL PHONES. I feel this is actually more dangerous than drunk driving.

Law And Order: Special Insanity Unit

Worst Movie of the Decade:

I use this as loosely as I can but the film Meet the Spartans was "WRITTEN" by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. To me this represents the worst film of the decade for a number of reasons. First and foremost its lazy film making. Under the guise of humor and parody the two "writers" who also acted as co-directors simply put identifiable characters and have them say their name or just get kicked in a well and its supposed to be humor. REMEMBER WHEN BRITNEY SPEARS SHAVED HER HEAD?!?! WELL GUESS WHAT SHE DOES IT AGAIN IN THIS MOVIE!!! REMEMBER 300 AND HOW PEOPLE YELLED??!?! REMEMBER PARIS HILTON!?!?!

A string of scenes tied together loosely by fart jokes and weak physical comedy are insulting. The worst part is really that the onus of enjoyment is placed entirely on the viewers awareness of other better movies. Remember Rocky Balboa...well good because we have a weak impression of him in this movie!

This gets top nod as the worst film of the decade because it also managed to open as the number 1 film in the country. This makes me feel sick and worry about this countries direction. A world wide gross of over 84 million means the morons who were green lighting this actually aren't morons...they knew the real morons would go to this. A film like The Hurt Locker makes around 16 million and this makes 84...granted not the same year or anything but the perspective is enough for me to punch a wolverine.

I would not shed a tear if the two writers/directors of this were to disappear off the face of this earth. The best part is they sleep on a giant pile of money and will work again in hollywood.

Oh and I'm Flying Again

When did the 'Ugly Christmas Sweater' and its associated 'Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties' and 'Ugly Christmas Sweater Contests' enter mass hysteria level? I spent a good hour or two trying to figure this out earlier tonight.

Now obviously there was a point in time where the ugly christmas sweater was actually just the 'CHRISTMAS SWEATER' and there was no hint of humor, irony, or ill will placed in these sweaters. As far as I can tell this was called the 1980's and the early 90's. I distinctly remember my mom owning a sweater that would can now be found on the body of a 21 year old male who is going to the bar in hopes of winning the "ugly sweater" contest. I'm sure it started off innocently enough. A young 'hip' couple wants to have a non-typical Christmas card to send to their friends and family. They take a few tacky Christmas Sweaters from yesteryear and take a few photos with them, get it developed, and then send them out as Christmas cards. Their other friends get them in the mail and have a good laugh or two. They think of their friends as clever...and they were.

Now though we've entered the realm of postmodernism in the Christmas Sweater world. Everyone wears the damn thing. Everyone has the Ugly Christmas Sweater day at the office. It is now unavoidable. Will we hit a backlash? I don't see a backlash coming for at least a few more years. The main issue is that Christmas is once a year...so there isn't enough time to get upset about this all and by the time you work up your anger its already gone. Much like Halloween and the 'Slut Costume' it is possible that the Ugly Sweater will become a permanent fixture of the holiday. The other alternative is that this falls out of fashion around 2012 (pending Mayan prediction of worlds destruction) and then the only people wearing these will be the hardcore fundamentalist sweater wearers. They will declare without a trace of irony that they "Love these sweaters" and that "they like how they look." These will be lies but they will now be looked down upon by the millions who once participated in the ugly sweater contests...they will be viewed as holding on too long and that the "joke is no longer funny." I will remain smug from my Ivory Blog Tower.

The biggest problem with the current sweater trend is that a guy like this will think he is actually being funny and that his friends will also declare that "John is such a funny guy. WILL YOU LOOK AT HIS SWEATER!! HAHAHA!!!" What they don't realize is that John is empty. He demands that you pay attention to him because of his supposed outlandishness. It is a lie. He will go home on December 23rd to an empty studio apartment following the office party. Hundreds of miles from his family, the only ones who truly care if he lives or dies will be celebrating. John is too poor to afford a flight home. He will awaken Christmas day to a familiar noise...its his ring tone. *Danger Zone* Janet from accounting likes that ring tone. Johns mother has called to wish him a Merry Christmas...he hears laughter in the background. The call is short and John tells his mother to say hi to everyone for him. John goes to the fridge and grabs the party size subs he took from the Christmas party as there were way too many and if they left them in the office fridge they would be rotten by the time everyone returned after the holiday break. He is in his underwear sitting on wooden chair he bought from Ikea. He turns on the television and watches National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. His only thought..."THIS IS THE SWEATER'S FAULT."



Merry Christmas.

Move Bitch

There are a few reasons why this song sticks out in my mind. The first is there is a video right now of a cat riding a roomba around and it slaps a dog. The song 'Move Bitch' is playing over the video.



I think Move Bitch is a great song. The chorus is pretty clear. There is a bitch in the way and he or she better move. The rest of the song talks about being drunk, getting laid, and doing other crazy things.

The reason why this song sticks out in my mind so strongly though is because the Minnesota Twins were singing this song after clinching the division in 2002. That year as long as my memory serves me correct, was the year where there were strong rumors that both the Twins and the Expos were going to get contracted. This would have been terrible but once the Twins clinched the division they were spraying champagne in the locker room and singing 'Move Bitch'. This was funny because its always funny when tv shows and news networks play swearing unintentionally.

Go Twins.

Can I point Out

That I was ahead of the curve on hyping Jersey Shore. I'm sure everyone and their mothers will be talking about it around the dinner table come Christmas time. But please cite Scott as the reason for it all. Thank you and god bless.

Burger Wars

Only the dead have seen the end of war. - Plato

Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. - Jesus

The quest for the perfect 'fast food' burger is a lot like combat. A lot of down time followed by a few moments of pure excitement, fear, and adrenaline. Then after the action an immediate let down...followed by a little introspection and maybe some crying.

Taken as a whole the burger landscape couldn't be better. There are the old classics that can be found at McDonalds and Burger King. There is even an upper market crust that can be found at places that could even be called "trendy" where if you don't mind spending 11 dollars on a burger, one can be found that may in fact blow your mind. I care not for this type of burger. I want one that I can drive through and pick up. This leads us to the burger wars.

1. In-N-Out (Can be found in California, Arizona, Nevada, Utah)

Claims to fame include being essentially a west coast entity. Made to order, fresh ingredients, and a cult like following. The genius of In-N-Out is that the menu is build on simplicity. You can get a burger, fries, a drink, and if you dare a milk shake. A meal of a single patty burger, fries, and drink will only cost you a five dollar bill which is a great deal. Do I think its the best fast food burger out there? Probably not...but I think the reason why it has such a loyal fan base is for two reasons. One is that there is a expected level of quality that is pretty much always met. You order and then it is made...the simplicity becomes its greatest asset. You know you're not getting a heat lamp burger and you know what it will taste like. I prefer my burger "animal style" but the standard burger provides plenty of flavor as well.

Secondly I think that hype is what makes In-N-Out gain such fame and notoriety. Because of the limited locations (both in what States its located and number of locations) it becomes almost like the forbidden fruit...or perhaps more like a case of "The Grass is Always Greener." In-N-Out has permeated popular culture to a point where I think if you're visiting California a suggestion will be made to at least stop there once and get a burger. With that in mind I can speak firsthand about the longing for In-N-Out.

One less than stellar point with In-N-Out is their fries. I order mine well done and even then they are lifeless. Yes I realize they cut their own potatoes and make them fresh but whatever oil they're fried among other things just doesn't imbue enough flavor in to them. They taste rather bland so I end up over salting them and dousing them in ketchup. I'd say out of all fast food chains they may have my least favorite french fries. Its a damn shame too because to me the french fries are almost as important as the burger.

In conclusion In-N-Out provides a high quality product at basement prices.

2. Five Guys (Began in Virginia but is now spreading out Nation Wide)

If In-N-Out is Tupac, then I would say Five Guys originally was The Notorious B.I.G. Five Guys is often used as a counterpoint to In-N-Out as a chain where burgers are king. Unlike In-N-Out you can find Five Guys slowing creeping across the country. Although the highest concentration of locations is still located on the East Coast they can be found all over the country including Edina Minnesota and Carson, California.

They take a very similar no frills approach to their food and their serving style. One thing I like about Five Guys is the option to add a few more frills to your burger than In-N-Out. Jalapeno, grilled onion, grilled mushroom, bacon, and other things let you trick out your burger a bit more. Its difficult to articulate how the burger tastes but the patty is relatively sizable and comes on a sesame seed bun. The flavor is strong and almost buttery. I like them a lot.

A huge selling point to me is their french fries. They're fucking great and even the "regular" size is gigantic. They scoop them up and drop them in a styrofoam cup but basically through in a huge amount of overflow in to the paper bag they throw the fries in so you're getting. I'd roughly approximate the amount of fries you get in a regular order to a super sized McDonalds french fry order (R.I.P. super sized options) plus another medium order of fries. SO what I'm saying is you're getting fat. The fries are seasoned in some sort of light spice medley that is quite good. The fries elevate the burger to greater heights and I have to say much like the East Coast West Coast rivalry there is no clear winner....except America.

Five Guys also provides complimentary peanuts while you wait for your food to finish but seeing as I don't like peanuts this means nothing to me.


Burger Wars will continue at a later date.

Wow I'm Awesome

If you may recall many months ago I made a brief little blog post about the brilliance of the song 'She's Got the Look' by Roxette many moons ago. Well thanks to the great folks at Rockstar Games I was able to hear this song a lot more in commercials over the last couple months.

Look, if you don't like video games thats one thing but at this point you pretty much cannot deny that they are no longer some passing fad (although I think the only people who felt that they would be a "fad" are people who were over 45 in 1979) but a multi-billion dollar industry. Grand Theft Auto to me is a brilliant conglomeration of decades worth of American pop culture smashed into one massive brilliant orgy of violence, sex, and humor. With Grand Theft Auto 4 and its most recently released expansions, you have a story taking place in a fictional New York known as Liberty City and you have some great story telling going on. Its really quite hilarious to be honest. Here is the trailer with 'She's Got the Look' in it by the way.




Enough about videogames though. There has been a lot going on in the news. And there has been no bigger story than the one I'm about to talk about. I'm of course talking about the escalating awesomeness of JERSEY SHORE. I'm dead serious that if you're not watching this show you are missing television history. In three episodes of this show I've laughed, I've cried, and I vomited. MTV could really branch this show out and find more disturbing sub cultures entrenched throughout the United States. Next year instead of Jersey Shore just do a show about Juggalos and have it culminate with an episode taking place at the 'Gather of the Juggalos'. Bill Simmons suggested doing one on people from Boston's North Shore...I agree. Perhaps we could also get a show about Russians from Brooklyn or something. Definitely though they need to do one on either Armenians in Los Angeles or Persians in Los Angeles.

Finally, I just want to say that I laugh in the general direction of the University of Minnesota. They are asking me for money every couple of months and my general thought on giving them more of my money is this.

My Typical Saturday Night

The Most Important TV Show In A Long While

MTV has a new show about self professed "guidos." Count me in.



On the other hand it does appear that they're legitimately having a good time. Which is probably the exact opposite of what I am usually doing.


Also we are nearing the end of the year 2009 so I will be having many looks back at the moments, people, and events that shaped this past ten years. It's been a fun decade and I think we can all agree that its had its share of ups and downs. With that in mind I will be spending my new year in Minneapolis!! That's right...I'm spending it in the wintery wonderland that is Minnesota. FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA.

How I Learned Not To Use Drugs Recreationally

First I want to preface this by saying that I am not the first person to write about this video on the internet. It is admittedly pretty much impossible to be the first at anything on the internet but I will say that I have definitely seen this and I remember that it was definitely elementary school when I saw it.

'Straight Up' is a video series that was made in 1988. It is a educational video warning us all on the dangers of drug use. It stars, and believe me I am using "stars" as loosely as possible, Louis Gossett Junior who was just a few years removed from his oscar winning performance in An Officer and a Gentleman. I should say that he is more of a featured player as opposed to the star. Anyways the video starts out with our main dude in a parking ramp skateboarding around when a gang of cooler kids all who can't be much older than 12 also show up on their skateboards. The ring leader is Kevin. One kid shows up with two beers, the asian chick shows up with what appears to be a joint or two and a bag of what I assume is what the insiders on the drug trade would call 'shake', and another kid brings a pack of cigarettes. Now Kevin busts out a bottle of scotch. Personally...this sounds like a pretty good time but peer pressure starts to get to our main character as he rolls up.

I'm not going to summarize the whole thing but anyways our main dude gets in the elevator to leave the parking ramp but instead its the "FATE ELEVATOR" and it is being commanded by Louis Gossett Jr. Pretty awesome shit right? He starts singing and dancing and basically you see why you shouldn't drink alcohol (Because you'll become a degenerate drunk) or smoke weed (its a gateway drug and it also shortens your life).

What I realized while watching this though is that I saw this in I believe 4th or 5th grade. I was around 11 or so when I saw this. Basically all the information and the "story" of the video flew over my head. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. In fact it was just basically confusing but simultaneously a joke. I distinctly remember a friend of mine singing the "Fate Elevator" song in a mocking tone later on. Not to mention I distinctly remember at the time this feeling dated when I saw it yet it was only a few years old at that point. Furthermore I can't imagine what my teachers were thinking when showing this. Obviously when you're a kid you imagine that all teachers are old as hell, but I know at least a few were pretty new. That means they could be as young as 23 or 25 or so. These are people who I AM NOW, meaning I feel like I'm pretty hip and still able to be "cool." Watching this type of video if I was a teacher right now would mean I would probably laugh my ass off.

There really isn't much for me to say except I think you should watch this video now.

Spooktacular Spookvember Spookgsgiving

So Halloween has come and gone, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the spooky festival of Thanksgiving!!

When you cut some one off in a car you often give the apologetic 'half wave' that indicates that you did not intend to cut that person off/did not see them. This is fair and while it probably provokes more rage than it helps, I think that at least acknowledging that you realized you fucked up is good.

On the other hand I hate when I'm a pedestrian crossing a street or in front of a parking lot entrance and a car quickly zooms by me within what I would call striking distance and as that driver is doing this they do the quick wave/holding their hand up to indicate that they're sorry. The reason this is annoys me though is because it likely means they don't give a fuck and are basically just being dangerous. My reasoning is this. If you see a pedestrian crossing an intersection you don't go because you might hit them. If you didn't see them at all the time to do the wave is after you've passed them. If you're passing me dangerously close and waving it means you saw me, decided to just go anyways, and then just kind of waved in passing like its supposed to make it okay.

Actually now that I write that down it sounds a lot dumber but I like to complain.

This Week In 'The New York Times Enrages Me'

Article referred to throughout can be found here: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/08/realestate/08cov.html?_r=1

Were you all aware that the "bachelor pad" was in a serious decline?! Especially the bachelor pads in New York City! Well it is. It used to be cool to have a really awesome expensive place to entice the opposite sex but now that we're in a recession shit gets rough.

Take for example this piece of shit.



This is Jason Brooks. He used to be a tv host for a crappy MTV show.

A solo artist and the singer in a band called Rehab, paid $5,000 a month for a 2,000-square-foot TriBeCa loft that he shared with his wife. Before that, he paid $3,500 a month for an apartment in a doorman building in the Financial District. Now, says Mr. Brooks, whose stage name is Brooks Buford, he pays $1,600 a month for a tiny studio in SoHo.

“It’s such a bizarre shift from where I was to where I am now,” said Mr. Brooks, who is now divorced. “I catch myself trying to make excuses for this place. Like before anyone comes up, I’m like, ‘Yeah, it’s like an airplane cabin.’ ”

Mr. Brooks, who says he lives off royalties from his past music career, also worked in information technology until he was laid off about a year ago.

In his old married apartment in the financial district, he said, two walls were devoted to shelves showcasing his vast sneaker collection. In his new single-again apartment, shared with a pug puppy called Brooks Junior, he needs a penlight to help him excavate footwear from the mountain of clothing jammed into his small closet — though he says it’s only one-eighth of what he owned in more prosperous times.

First of all, the dude is paying the same amount I make in an entire month for his tiny apartment. Secondly, he named his dog after himself. Who does that? Yeah you might name your kid after yourself...something to ensure some sort of legacy of your existence lives on. But your dog, really? Oh thats my dog, Brooks Junior...yep. I get the virtues of not coveting thy neighbors massive amounts of money but you know what, I can't help it. He was spending 5000 a month on a place. Thats a lot of money. Am I supposed to feel any shred of empathy for this dude? As it turns out he now has divorced his wife and is in this bachelor pad that is a airplane cockpit size. He goes on to say how he can't have parties because its too small. Well boohoo, you live in New York...go out or something. You could for 1600 a month live like a badass dude in a multitude of other cities in the United States. You could also start purchasing land in Detroit and build a mini slum empire.

The rest of the article goes on to essentially say these key components.

-When the economy doesn't suck young men who make lots of money like expensive swanky ass places.

-People are poor now so they have to get creative.

-Women don't care about how shitty a dudes place is because every dude is poor now!

-What reality were these people living in and why does the New York Times continue to taunt me with these articles?

There Is No Arch Deluxe, Only Zuul

Ghostbusters joke and a dated reference to a burger for sophisticated tastes that I actually liked from McDonalds. Its all down hill from here.

I was flying last week and we (as a collective flight) were getting ready to land. As we descended over the insanely huge sprawl that is known as the greater Los Angeles area the woman who was seated at the window seat was excitedly peering out the window. In my mind for a brief second I thought to myself, "What's the big deal? It's just Los Angeles and half the time this city sucks." HAHAHA I thought with my small moral superiority victory over this "idiot" who is coming to California as a tourist loser. I actually thought of myself as better than her for about 10 seconds then got really sad when I realized that I was first and foremost being an asshole and secondly...was extremely jealous of her window seat since I'm still one of the four people above the age of 8 who likes flying on planes and gets kind of excited about takeoffs and landings. In fact I was straining to look out the window too because it is at night when Los Angeles is pretty awesome to see. The darkness hides the fact that most of the city is either grey or a weird half dead brown color and there aren't really any trees...instead its a glittering landscape that looks pretty awe inspiring.

But back to my own self loathing realization that I was being an asshole. I WAS. Which was stupid. Why was i constructing this entire narrative for a woman I've never met and had no clue what her possible reasons for being on this plane were. Maybe her grandmother passed away and she was coming out to Los Angeles to bury her. Maybe she wanted to be in porn. Either way I was being stupid.

This leads me to my grand story about the huge bitch who was on the plane going from Los Angeles to Minneapolis. I have a picture of her that I took but I guess I won't upload it for now. Anyways to keep this boring story short I will say this. Woman in front of me in security line that happened to be huge is whining the whole time. The line will move at its own speed regardless of how much you audibly complain about how slow the line is going. Also trying to be LINE POLICE and informing people that they can't cut in front when they weren't even going to is annoying. Shut your face. Please stop telling us about how much better Southwest Airlines is when you're flying to San Francisco.....GUESS WHAT BITCH, YOU'RE FLYING TO MINNEAPOLIS AND TAKING NORTHWEST SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT HOW AWESOME AND GREAT SOUTHWEST IS AND HOW YOU HURT YOUR BACK LAST YEAR SO YOU COULD IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO CUT TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE WITH YOUR STUPID DISABILITY WAIVER OR SOME SHIT BECAUSE IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT, THEN FUCKING DO IT OR SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Oh and thanks for being overweight because when I tried to go past you when we were boarding I couldn't because you're too FUCKING FAT so I couldn't squeeze by you.


By the way Minnesota was lovely despite the rain and occasional snow. It was shockingly refreshing to have some other weather. I also met some other people on the blog rolls and the premiere was fun.

SOME PEOPLE STAND IN THE DARKNESS, AFRAID TO STEP IN TO THE LIGHT



Let me quickly say that this intro randomly popped in to my head and I posted it but this also lead to me remembering the episode where C.J. (Pamela Andersons character) meets some former actor guy who is now a homeless dude who lives in Venice. He dies and I think he leaves a bunch of money to her. This is a touching story but has one small flaw. Anyone who sells rags and random crap in Venice is probably not really rich and choosing to leave on the streets, but rather just a fucking weirdo who is selling weird trinkets and or terrible paintings of Bob Marley.

Ewoks Moonwalk

This was funny.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Things And Things

First of all, fuck you Desean Jackson. I'm very glad you are tonight of all nights deciding to light up the Redskins since I already have my fantasty football week wrapped up...in that I won. Last week against the terrible Raiders you pulled a no show.

Secondly I think I've asked this question but whats the deal with porn magazines in airports. Besides the social shame of purchasing a dirty magazine from some 57 year old woman working at the store in the airport, you have the shame of trying to figure out when you're actually going to "use" it. Lets just say you decide to have your own little mile high club moment. There is not really any sort of sly way you can smuggle the magazine with you in to the bathroom. Unless I suppose you take your whole carry on bag with you in to the bathroom and even then you look a bit weird. Plus, who doesn't own a damn computer at this point?

Thirdly, why isn't every store at the airport open 24 hours? Is it not completely insane and stupid that an airport can be closed?! At the very least leave open one or two "general" stores so at the very least I can buy a damn candy bar.

Also Jeff Dunham is not funny and in fact fucking sucks ass.

The Worst Pop Culture Moment Ever

First of all I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that one Falcon aka Balloon Boy gripped the nation for several non productive hours as he allegedly floated away in a home made balloon...and by floated away I mean sat in his fucking house in a cardboard box. There is nothing to do but laugh about how awesome America is.

Now on to the worst pop culture moment of all time. I thought long and hard about this but I honestly think that the entire entity that was the Macarena craze really was the worst thing ever in the history of popular culture. The Macarena Remix by the Bayside Boys really managed for multiple reasons to completely take over pop culture and be obnoxious by existing in every facet of life. It also benefited by existing in a time that I would classify as "pre-internet." Yes the internet existed, but not as it does today. The way that media is aggregated, repeated, and spread through the internet means that anything that is going to be incredibly popular will crest faster, be picked up by more mainstream media faster, and ultimately die a quicker death.

I would like to say I hold no ill will towards Los Del Rio (the two older gentleman who provide the main hook in the song) as they had long careers and I hope they were able to make a lot of money off of this.

Reason 1 why The Macarena Was Terrible: It Had It's Own Dance

I distinctly remember there being news stories about there being Macarena dance classes for elderly people in retirement homes. You know you've completely reached the point of saturation when old people are embracing you. Plus you've got the thousands of wedding DJ's who would spin this song and all the awkward middle aged folk getting on the dance floor awkwardly repeating the dance. I also swear I remember them doing a whole little joke/dance/segment on The Today Show and goddamn it was bad. 50,000 people performed the "macarena" in Yankee Stadium attempting to set a record officially making Yankee Stadium the worst stadium of all time.

Reason 2: It was legitimately being played on the radio

The other thing was it was pretty much impossible to escape it. It was being played on all sorts of radio stations and people were legitimately in to the song. Not that this has anything to do with the radio but you know goddamn well that at some point during its most popular there was some manager of some store who as an "ICE BREAKER" for all the pissed off and bitter employees thought that the "TEAM" should all do the macarena together to lighten everyone up. Yeah.

It was undeniably popular. It spent 14 weeks at Number 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart.

Reason 3: This




Ultimately I see my biggest issue with it is how it really became The People's Anthem. Everyone really liked it which isn't actually a bad thing. The bad part was that there was a dance associated with it. I therefore am forced to cast my vote as this being the worst popular culture moment of all time.

Zombies Are On My List

There was a bit of a zombie renaissance that started gaining a bit of steam at the turn of the millennium (Not to be mistaken with the Willennium or the song Millennium by Robbie Williams). I'm no zombie scholar but if I recall correctly 28 Days Later really helped reinvigorate/jump start a whole new slew of zombie films. And yes, I realize that in 28 Days Later they aren't actually "zombies" in the traditional sense but rather "infected" citizens who have come down with the "Rage Virus." That said they're fucking zombies who run really fast and will vomit blood and tear your face off.

After that you start getting things like 'The Zombie Survival Guide' (It's a book published in 2003), Shaun of the Dead in 2004, Dawn of the Dead (remake in 2004), Land of the Dead (2005) and so on. Then you get Zombie Pub Crawls and World War Z and quite frankly its getting a bit played out. I'm about as big a zombie fan as you can get. Have I sat with friends and talked for hours about theoretical zombie invasions and what the best course of action/survival would be? Yes. Do I sometimes secretly wish a zombie apocalypse would take place so I could finally assert myself as a badass zombie killer? Yes. Do I still think that zombies are way to over exposed at this point and are getting painfully played out? Yes!

Now you might be saying, "But Scott, why should someones enjoyment of zombies get in the way of your own enjoyment?" The simple answer is that I'm a complete blowhard. Plus you have to agree...in the way that both pirates and ninjas were briefly getting bashed in to the ground so too zombies are now being done the same way. Zombies are awesome and smashing their head in with a shovel is always awesome, but when zombies are everywhere the enjoyment just isn't the same.

Some historians view 1968 as the year that changed every thing. In particular the massive ground swelling of protests throughout the world against a variety of different opponents. I view 2009 in a similar vain...2009 the year Scott Rebelled Against Zombies.

I Hate People Who Don't Like Sports

This rarely occurs in my life because I like to surround myself with people who enjoy the same things that I do...but on occasion I will be faced with someone who with a sneer and maybe even a smile says something like, "I just don't get why you would waste your time watching X sport."

'X' could be hockey, basketball, baseball, football, soccer, or curling. There are a few reasons why this question is stupid. Many times this question is pointed in that it implies that I am wasting my time getting obsessed with a sport and creating some facet of my identity with a group of people who are being paid a lot to perform in a game with a set of arbitrary rules. When you deconstruct anything though you can make it sound childish and pedantic. In theory I could live in a goddamn log cabin I built with my bare hands and cultivate the earth and live in a completely agrarian lifestyle. On the other hand, I live in a place called REALITY where I like to be entertained. Most people who sneer at sports would probably find cinema truly rewarding. I too find cinema immensely rewarding but for many of the same reasons.

Sports are larger than life. These athletes play in front of immense crowds. There is drama in the mundane. Rare is it that a person can be held in suspense, moved to tears, and joy all in a short period but this is what sports provide. It fills the void for many who otherwise live rather mundane lives. Sports are cathartic. TNT claims to know drama....they don't know shit.

Extreme Makeover: Scott Gets Emotional Edition

I watch an absurd amount of television...which is made even more amazing by the fact that I don't even own a television. I've talked in the past of my secret obsession with the show Take Home Chef (and how it could easily be a porno).

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition has a pretty simple premise. A build team goes around and finds worthy candidates who need a new house. They then build a completely new house in a week. In that time we find out tid bits about the family and then we get absurdly emotional and heart strings tugging when the new house is revealed for the first time to the family. What can I say though...most of the time it definitely gets a bit dusty when the family is walking through their brand new house. Often too the rooms are tailored to the childrens interests as well as any sort of issues they as residents may have. If the wife is in a wheel chair all the appliances are lowered and made more wheel chair accessible.

My point? I will watch your show and I will feel good about myself. It's like the show Little House on the Prairie...in that I think in that show there must have been some sort of contractual obligation for Michael Landon to be near tears/crying in every episode.

This is a good time to point out one last thing. Living "on the prairie" would really really suck. Besides the fact that breaking your leg when it was crop planting season could spell doom for not only your financial well being, but possibly also your lives in general. If you can't plant crops you can't make any money or grow food or sell/trade to live through the winter. By the way, your log cabin doesn't have good insulation and that gigantic blizzard that will hit this January means that you're going to be eating the same salted pork butt you've been saving for the next 3 weeks. Also, you never eat fruit and eating a dehydrated piece of rhubarb over christmas is considered a feast.

I'm so glad I'm living in the present where we have central heating, air conditioning, and fresh water that I actually use just to piss in and flush away.

Sup Ladies

Why So Serious?

I think it goes without argument that The Dark Knight was one of the best movies from 2008. It had the perfect combination of legitimate engaging story, good to great acting, engaging scenes, and a great bit of pop culture sensibility. Little did I realize at the time, but The Dark Knight was going to become the greatest television movie of all time.

What I mean is that whenever this movie is on TV I will probably end up watching a good portion of it. I'm a sucker like this. I own the Back to the Future trilogy. I can watch it whenever I want. I've also seen the movie about 250 times. With all that in mind I will still watch it when it happens to be on TBS. Same goes for Rocky 3 and 4. Once the holiday season rolls around (AKA ALMOST RIGHT NOW) they will do those crazy Rocky Marathons on a variety of channels. This could practically be called 'The Shawshank Redemption Memorial List' since TNT from the mid to late 90's in to the early 2000's would pretty much run The Shawshank Redemption at least twice a month.

The Dark Knight has a few things going for it. For one, you have Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker was awesome. The movie is a good two and a half hours and its not like the Joker is actually on screen for that much of the movie but when he isn't on screen you always feel his presence/want more. This sets up the great TV viewing situation. Hypothetically speaking lets say you really like Heath Ledger's performance and love when he is on screen. When you're flipping through channels and you see that The Dark Knight is on and say its early on in the movie with Batman in China you know that there are some choice Joker scenes coming up you will automatically sit around and wait for those. The beauty is that even if you love The Joker scenes you aren't just sitting around watching paint dry. For the most part the movie is very engaging and never dull.

Think of it like the big shootout in Heat. You know the big shootout is coming up but its still more than an hour away. The reality of the situation is that you are now invested in wanting to see that scene so you are just going to watch the whole damn thing. You dare not start changing channels once it hits commercials for fear of missing the scenes you really like because you got distracted and started watching that episode of Seinfeld where George keeps trying to get fired. I feel like The Dark Knight will enter in to the pantheon of movies that are pretty much ingrained in popular culture to the point where when its on you just watch it. It is going to be like Die Hard is. It should be noted though that I think The Dark Knight is still only on premium channels and hasn't trickled down to cable viewing yet. But once it does...watch out.

Oh and if you don't like the movie, I hate you forever.

TIME MACHINE, TIME MACHINE

People didn't want to hear songs about things that hadn't even been invented yet.



This is pure comic brilliance from top to bottom. Much like Tupac though...I'm bout to 'Hit Em Up' with this next round of fun crap.

I've talked about the particulars of my fear of taking a crap in a public restroom. I really dislike restaurants where the bathroom is really big but completely open. What I'm saying is when the bathroom is for a single person to use at one time but then they sit the toilet in one corner and the door in a far other corner. The fear of course is that while I'm mid-crap someone busts the door open and that person not only sees what true fear looks like when our eyes meet, but the awkward afterwards where they will blab some sort of half apology as they quickly close the door and I'm left with zero dignity when I return to my meal. Furthermore it always confounds me when the bathroom door only has the handle lock and not a dead bolt. The handle lock where when you turn the handle from the inside and then it unlocks the door is the worst. You can't ever be sure from the inside if its actually locked!!!

The one good thing about 'going number 2' (why is it referred to as number 2?) in a restaurant is that you immediately know if the place is fucking terrible. A well stocked bathroom (hand soap, hot water, extra toilet paper) means that they pay attention to details. Signs the restaurant you're at may in fact suck include: Really creepy low light in the bathroom, it smells terrible, bathroom is suspiciously wet, and out of important supplies.

Last Note to My Readers: I'm coming to Minneapolis in a couple weeks and about to tear that mutha a new one....and by tear that mutha I mean eat some good food...and by good food I mean eat junk food that I miss. As you may know in California everything is probably organic and costs 43 dollars more than it should.

OHHHHHH

The 20 Dollar Fajita Pyramid Starring Bootny Lee Farnsworth

Going to a restaurant my eyes are greeted with what could be described as a laundry list of food items. In many a developing country in the world this list of bountiful delights would be met with cries of joy and hungry mouths watering. For me it is but another list of things that do nothing for me. Tonight like every lonely night in my life I am the hunter. My prey? The perfect fajitas.

There are two things that constantly get in my way of the perfect fajitas. Price and shitty steak. If the steak is terrible/too thin/not tender enough I will be immediately annoyed. Furthering my annoyance is if the place charges for extra flour tortillas. Guess what, flour tortillas cost about 2 dollars for a stack of fifty at any grocery store. So why are you mother fuckers charging me 30 cents per tortilla extra. The mean starting point is usually 3 yet the bountiful amounts of steak, beans, and rice will push my demands for flour tortillas far beyond that number. This is a racket. Getting a bit more into price is that fajitas are the type of dish that is delicately priced at most places. Anything under 11 dollars and I'll in my mind tell myself I'm getting a good deal. Anything over 16 and they better be damn good. The reality is I'm probably getting ripped off either way. Could I make a whole fajita dinner for myself on the cheap? Yes...but I'm lazy.

HULU is the New Late Night Movie Destination

I again am becoming a talking walking advertisement for the power that is Hulu. Go to the site and watch television and movies for free. They will have a few ads throughout the viewing of the program but they are short and really not that bad of a sacrifice for a relatively good quality online video viewer.

With that in mind the movies on here are largely crappy. For a variety of licensing issues most "GOOD" movies are put up on Hulu but then are only on there for maybe a month or two and then are taken down. In the past movies like The Big Lebowski, The Karate Kid Trilogy, The Thing, 28 Days Later, and many other average to good films have been on Hulu. They are all down now. The good news is most really shitty movies get thrown up on Hulu and stay there for a long time. Did you say you wanted to watch Kickboxer 3 starring that dude who played Cody in Step By Step? Well you're in luck because its there! How about The Substitute 2:School's Out...can't afford Tom Berenger for the sequel...well good news, we have Treat Williams.

The entire point I'm getting at though is that I grew up in what can only be described as an amazing time for television and cable in general. By the early to mid 90's cable was entering a stage where the product itself was maturing beyond a ramshackle group of channels that were still trying to figure out what the hell to put on at all hours of the day. There was a time where USA, TBS, TNT, and the like all had various night and late night movie programming blocks. Films like Judgment Night, Surviving The Game, and The People Under the Stairs became staples of the late night movie rotation.

USA Up All Night was fucking awesome. Gilbert Gottfried introducing me to Critters 2: The Main Course was a great time in my life. On top of that cable has become a lot more refined which means they cater far less to the lowest common denominator. What I can tell you is that the show Silk Stalkings was a show I didn't personally watch/enjoy but I do remember the lead ins to every episode was someone was having sex and then they got killed. Not exactly sure if my 12 year old brain knew exactly what was going on.

Tragically the way these channels fill the late night hours now is around midnight to one they just immediately flip it to the same 4 informercials (they don't even have any good informericals anymore but that is an entirely different topic) and let them run on repeat until 5 or 6 am and the regular programming schedule resumes. The children of today then are left with Hulu. It lacks the charm of the cheap ass programming ethos of cable programming but at least they can watch The Substitute 2 without censorship.

P.S. TNT allowed me to watch The Shawshank Redemption about 823 times.

Self Defense Lesson For the Weekend

Terminator 2 Get's Me Choked Up

Terminator 2: Judgment Day is an extremely important film for many reasons. It is often overlooked when discussions of the greatest action films of all time come up. The obvious (and probably most correct answer) answer is Die Hard....then it is pretty much all down hill from there.

As a guy who likes his movies I will say that T2 manages to hit a nerve or two near the end. What is not to love? A robot who learns to true value of human life and the nuances of emotion must ultimately sacrifice itself for the greater good of all humanity!!!! That is drama...not on TNT.



Did it just get a bit dusty in here or what? At the core of the movie you just have John Connor...a rambunctious youth who lacks a father figure in his life and is living with crappy foster parents. His mother is in a psyche ward and the one who ultimately brings stability in his life is a robot sent from the future by his future self!

On a complete side note, I would make an argument (a compelling one at that!) that without Terminator 2 one Mr. Schwarzenegger would not be governor of the state of California right now. First and foremost Arnold's filmography up to T2 was relatively long but not very distinguished. Sure he just flexed his comedic chops with Kindergarten Cop but he hadn't transitioned in to full blown phenom. He was a big action star but that was it. Terminator 2 put him over the top and made him in to a full blown international superstar. It played to his acting strengths and was an amazing action movie to boot. If Terminator 2 ended up sucking or just wasn't made I don't think Arnold is looked back upon nearly as fondly. One could even make an argument that post T2 he basically coasted for the rest of his acting career. True Lies (another Cameron Joint) and Terminator 3 are probably the post Terminator 2 highlights of his career.

Still Waiting

Since I just did a repost I feel like I owe you all some fresh content.

I'm still waiting for my air freshener scent.

-1 part sizzling bacon
-1 part freshly brewing coffee
-1 part cigarette smoke

I assure you all that these three smells in a trifecta (with cigarette smoke being very very feint) is amazing. There is no better smell to wake up too.

Blog Reruns: Walk the Dinosaur or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Walk the Dinosaur

I've hit a new low. I'm reposting an old post because I was rereading my own posts and found this one fucking awesome. From August 23, 2007.

So I'm on my way home from work and the radio is precariously tuned to JackFM. Its a five minute drive, but thank god I got in the car just as a new song was coming on. What song you ask? Why its none other than the smash hit "Walk the Dinosaur" from Was Not Was.

If you're not aware of this hit, then I suggest you google it. I'll post the main hook though.

Open the door
get on the floor
everybody walk the dinosaur.
Open the door
get on the floor
everybody walk the dinosaur.

This song made it to #7 on the US Billboard Charts. Thank you 1980's, the best decade ever.

When You're Walking Down The Street...and You See A Little Ghost

Worst Ideas

Once in a while I find myself marveling at some of the amazing things man has created. The iPhone is a phenomenal device. Then there is air conditioning. At some point someone was pissed off about sweating all the time and was thinking, "Man...wouldn't it be cool to be comfortable during the summer?!?!"

On the other hand there are a few things that I used to think were pretty awesome but then I realized they actually suck. This is all a big intro to get you wondering and saying, "But Scott....what are you talking about?!" I am talking about pre-foaming soap.

Did anyone honestly say to themselves, "Yeah I like soap since it cleans my hands, but what is with all that 'rubbing my hands together to get a lather' nonsense?!?" No. No one said that before. I've also realized that the foam (at least in my mind) doesn't clean your hands as well since you're more likely to just rub your hands for a second or two and then just rinse it off. The other bad part about this is the home bottles of foaming soap seem to run out ten times faster than a regular dispenser of regular hand soap.

So screw your foaming soap.

ALSO: I have to admit...I'm actually kind of excited to see this movie.




Before everyone and their mothers starts mocking me I will say in my defense it has 3 things going for it.

1. Daniel Stern is in it. He narrated The Wonder Years. He played foil to Culkin in Home Alone. He was in uhhh, Bushwhacked and uhhhhh some other stuff. Seriously though I like Daniel Stern. Celtic Pride ruled!!

2. Kristen Wiig - an extremely funny and talented lady. Probably the best female comic performer on SNL since the first two or three seasons. Also I think she is totally hot.

3. Ellen Paige - I thought she was great in Juno. I also liked that movie which everyone has conveniently forgotten was actually good since it is now much easier to hate on and mock for its over the top hipsterish stuff. The movie was genuinely good and heartwarming in spite of all the 'honest to blogs'. Also I think Ellen is hot too. I feel weird saying that but she is 22! That said she and Michael Cera might as well just get married and be a couple that is perpetually looking absurdly young and its like "woah aren't they just kids" then you come to realize they are the same damn age as you.

I'm not joking when I say if Ellen Paige walked in to the bar i was at, even though I know how old she actually is, I would be thinking "You can't be in here!!!" Then I would awkwardly fumble around and pretend like I don't know who she actually is all while thinking of clever things I should say. Then she would leave 2 hours later and I would be like, "well there went my golden opportunity to say something clever."

The Running Man - Live Blogging Edition

Back in February I live blogged myself watching the Tom Hanks movie Big. This time around I thought I'd get a bit more ambitious. I'm going to live blog The Running Man. Starring none other than the governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger. For those who don't know, the Running Man takes place in the "future." The year is 2017. Convicted criminals are put into a television show where they must run from "stalkers." These 'stalkers' are men who hunt down the criminals and kill them. The rub is that if the criminal can escape the stalkers and make it to the end they win their freedom....except as revealed later no one actually wins and the supposed winners are always just killed. The one thing they didn't expect was BEN RICHARDS (Arnold). I'm going to kind of just outline the plot so when I start watching the movie I can just be off the cuff a bit more. Arnold is a helicopter pilot who is patrolling some refugee camp and they are rioting. He has orders to shoot them but as he points out "THEY JUST WANT FOOD GODDAMNIT!" He gets thrown into some sort of labor camp where he then escapes only to get caught again. He is now on the tv show and is chased but he starts kicking major ass. Ultimately he really fucks up everything by exposing the corruption of the television show (evidently its cool to murder people on live television as long as they can legitimately win their way to freedom but when its found out to be a ruse people are SHOCKED!!). Anyways here we go!!!

2:12 - "ALL THEY WANT IS FOOD FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!"


5:02 - Evidently in the future in the 'Wilshire Detention Zone' people have been put in to primitive hard labor camps that include both working in some sort of steel mill but also just breaking up rocks and what not. Looks pretty awesome. This is a lot more depressing than the 2015 future that I was promised in Back to the Future Part 2. No hoverboards for one. The Los Angeles Skyline looks pretty damn crazy for being a horrific terrible future as well. Pretty Blade Runner esque there.




17:10 - Captain Freedom's workout. Captain Freedom is played by Jesse Ventura. I'm sure when we were on set of the movie everyone was thinking "I bet we'll have two future governors working on this movie." Also realized I didn't say shit for the last 10 minutes...and to be honest there isn't as much to comment about as I thought there would be. I guess I'm a bit too in to this movie. I mean it would be easy to make some wise crack about how shitty it is but honestly, the movie isn't that compelling until Arnold gets thrown in to the "game." I'm going to fastforward a bit but I will take a few fun screenshots.


28:40 - Ben Richards is captured after trying to escape in the airport with his hostage. She is safe at home watching tv when the news report gets shown. In the news report they LIE!!!! They say he killed the ticket booth agent among many others when in fact he did not. Damn the liberal media...even in the future they are lying!!



38:00 - They now also have a video introducing Ben Richards to the viewers at home. They show how he was responsible for the 'Bakersfield Massacre' in which he actually refused to kill people. In the clips they show though they use the exact clips we saw that was the intro to the movie....which is obviously impossible. Thats actually a pet peeve of mine.


45:00 - Okay now the movie is getting good. The guys run in to their first stalker. This one is 'Sub-Zero'. Not the Mortal Kombat Sub zero. Instead this is an overweight asian hockey goalie sub zero who uses explosive hockey pucks and a sharp sword like goalie stick.

48:02 - Luckily Arnold is smart and uses his environment to his advantage. In this case that would be some razor wire that was on the top of a fence. He takes it and wraps it around Sub-Zeros neck and basically partially decapitates him with it/slits his throat.

48:38 - What we get next is arguably the greatest line performed in Cinema in the last 50 years.

"HERE IS SUB-ZERO.....NOW, PLAIN ZERO!!!"


I really want to know how in the hell that line makes any sense....at all? Sub Zero to Plain Zero...doesn't make sense. The way arnold performs it too...a lot of pathos. Good times. Click Here Since I can't Embed to Watch the Sub-Zero death scene and "Plain Zero" line.


51:02 - Our Next Stalker is introduced. Buzzsaw!!!!!! Get it...he has a chainsaw. Yes very clever. Buzzsaw...NOW PLAIN SAW!!!



51:35 - Two for Stalker update. Dynamo is also unleashed to hunt down Richards and Co. Dynamo's gimmick? He shoots lightning, has LED's all over his fat body, and loves to sing opera. I'm not joking. If you haven't seen this movie please go buy it right now.


1:01:16 - Buzzsaw after being ejected from his motorcycle gets in a bit of hand to hand with Arnold/Richards. Needless to say Richards overpowers Buzzsaw and forces the chainsaw up into his crotch resulting in this:



Classy Movie.

1:03:45 - I've neglected to mention a few subplots but that is basically because they suck and I'm lazy. The woman Richards kidnaps and tries to escape with at the beginning actually works for the TV network. She finds out that Richards has been framed and tries to get some evidence. She is caught and gets thrown in to the 'game' as well. Also the nerdy guy who is in the work camp is in this too along with the black guy that was with Richards as well. The nerdy guy JUST got friend by Dynamo and the black guy got really hurt by Buzzsaw.

1:04-25 - Did I mention Dynamo rides around in this mini Go-Kart and sings opera at the same time?? As it turns out Dynamo's go karts one weakness is slight hills as he quickly topples over and Richards looks like he is about to kill him. Instead he refuses and points out that he isn't going to kill a helpless man like the "sadistic scum" watching want him to!!! Take that!!!

1:09:52 - Fireball is introduced. If you couldn't guess, he shoots fire.


1:16:24 - You can tell they got lazy with this one. Fireball is lured in to a trap and his gas line on the flamethrower gets broken by Richards. You know this because Fireball repeatedly yells, "AHHH MY GAS LINE MY GAS LINE MY GAS LINE MY GAS LINE!!!!" Richards lights his flare and says, "How about a light?" HAHAHAHAH Get it? LIGHT!!! Like a cigarette except this time instead of lighting a smooth delicious cigarette and entering flavor country he enters an explosive fireball of death!! This should just be an anti-smoking advertisement.


1:17:12 - Captain Freedom is being recruited to go in after Richards but refuses since evidently the game of stalking has been corrupted and become too gimicky. Hence this shitty looking armor. "This is a sport of death and honor!!" declares Captain Freedom!


1:20:16 - After Captain Freedom's refusal to enter, through hilariously trite explanations the network decides to use what they claim to be modern computer graphics to overlay Richards on to an old video of some other guy dying. Thus the public is to never know what really happened and everyone thinks richards gets killed....but ohhh you just wait!!! Richards has also found the underground network of people trying to expose the truth. Earlier in the movie the super nerdy dude found the satellite uplink codes so they can hijack the signal and unleash the truth!!

This explanation I just made actually makes it sound like this movie has a legitimate plot of some sorts. It doesn't. Here is a shot of Richard's supposed death.



1:34:15 - Richards comes in, kills a few dudes, takes over and puts through the rogue signal exposing the legitimately evil ways that people were being killed with the crowd aghast!! Actually its fucking dumb because they're evidently okay with hunting down convicted criminals on television for sport/entertainment but they aren't okay with it once they found out that some of these criminals are wrongfully accused/don't actually get to win their freedom. By the way Richards kills the host of the show who throughout the movie was proven to be an asshole.

It ends with a touching song and a kiss.


I'll be the first to admit I got lazy with this one. I was enjoying watching the movie a bit too much and didn't have as much to say as I thought I would. I just hope you like the pictures.

P.S. If you're a Arnold newbie I suggest a crash course in a few movies to get up to speed in why I love this guy so much. You can watch these in any order but I would highly suggest you watch these immediately. Commando, Total Recall, The Running Man, Kindergarten Cop, and Batman & Robin.

P.S.S.

I just found this Youtube video of a few of the best "lines" from The Running Man. Watch and enjoy.

Elevating The Conversation

Maturity. Polar Bear Pooping In Water.

A Joke About How MTV Doesn't Play Videos Anymore

The Year Was 1999. We were all saving up bottled water and canning our favorite preserves for the impending apocalypse that would be wrought upon all those who laughed in the face of Y2K!!! In retrospect people were absolute morons for thinking that if a computer couldn't figure out what date it was that all forms of functioning society would break down and we as a society would be doomed.

MTV in 1999 compiled for those who cared (me) a list of the 100 greatest music videos of all time. Now some of those that made the list were obvious. Number one on the list was Thriller by Michael Jackson. There is no need to elaborate on the impact that this video had on pop culture, mtv, music videos, black representation on mtv, and a whole bunch more. That being number one is fine. With any list there will be arguments. The nature of a "Greatest" or "Best Ever" list is that it spurns debate and fun banter. One could argue that Sabotage should be lower than number 7 on the list....or higher!! That said time has been cruel to a some of these choices. There also are a few extremely egregious examples that nearly 10 years removed from this list are head scratchers now and probably were then. So without further adieu I give you my complaints.

According to MTV the sixth greatest music video ever is Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses. First of all this isn't the best music video by Guns N' Roses. This is just them playing the song in a warehouse/empty theater/stage thing. You obviously know I think November Rain rocks but even Welcome to the Jungle at the very least attempts a story arc. A young impressionable farm boy with that is played by Axl comes to the big bad city with a grain of wheat in his mouth. By the end of the video Axl has been transformed into a badass with teased up hair. Both of these videos make the list Jungle at 26 and November at a respectable 45. All said and done I think Sweet Child should not even be on the list.

Janie's Got a Gun is at 48 and quite frankly this is an insult. It should easily be in the top 20. Directed by one David Fincher the video would be a lock for my top 10 greatest videos of all time if it didn't have Steven Tyler rhythmically crawling and humping the ground at one point. The song itself deals with incest/rape/murder/revenge and the video is cinematic nearly to a fault. One shot in particular of the titular Janie lowering the revolver in a ready to fire sequence. Click Here To See the Video. Fincher makes the list again at Number 49 with Paula Abdul's 'Straight Up' which is a song I have already mentioned I actually like. The song also for whatever reason makes me get nostalgic for some early 90's period where I was probably walking around in the mall with my mom.

The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly) by Missy Elliot is at number 15. Really? 15? After rewatching the video the most interesting thing I can say about this is that she wears a hefty bag and it uses a heavy fisheye. This is what is the 15th best video of all time? I barely remembered this song now. Obviously I'm not exactly the biggest Missy Elliot fan but I don't think that to be qualified to comment on the video I should be. Does anyone remember this video now? No. Do people still remember the music video to A-Ha's Take On Me which is only one stop ahead of this? Yes of course they do.

Number 23 is the video for Mo Money Mo Problems. I don't agree with the placement of this video on the list either but at least with this one you could make an argument for the context that this video emerged from. I'm not speaking contextually in light of Biggie Smalls death in 1997 and the proximity to the making of the list. Rather, if historically we were too look back now and make this same list you could argue that the video itself personifies the unique characteristics of a rap video at the time. Over the top sets, a movie like intro, dancing, and lots of mugging for the camera. It should be pointed out that its obvious that Puff Daddy (his namesake at the time) has no dancing ability.

The Boys of Summer by Don Henley is at number 67. A song I genuinely like but video leaves me feeling two distinct emotions. Inspired by French New Wave I applaud its serious attempts at contextualizing the lyrics of Henley's song. It also has a very distinct. That said it almost takes itself too seriously. Henley popping into the screen at the 33 second mark is rather funny too. In the end though I say bump this video way higher up the list. I'd like this video if it was made right now...but the video was made at a time where music video making for the most part was simply showing the band play the song in a concert. This was made in 1984 for god sake! With that in mind the video always reminds me of the entire summer series of episodes in Saved By the Bell where Zack and crew get a job at the Malibu Sands Beach Club. In fact I'm surprised Saved By the Bell and NBC didn't try to rangle the rights to this song to play over the final summer episodes credits.




I'll complain more later.

November Rain

Better people have articulated in much better ways what I'm about to say but let it be said that November Rain is unironically one of my all time favorite songs. I have to point out my actual legitimate enjoyment of the song because in many ways it is a parody of a song. It's really long, the video was completely over produced, and it has multiple guitar solos.

One thing that always bothers me is when radio stations would only play the song up to the six and a half or so minute mark as the string section of the orchestra is winding down but prior to the (and check video for reference as Stephanie has died and Slash steps atop the piano) awesome conclusion. The conclusion to this epic with the chanting of "Don't You Think That You Need Somebody" over piano and Slash's guitar make it larger than life. This ending is an earned ending. You go through the song for the big payoff. I'm really tempted to have my funeral early so I can dictate that this song plays as my casket leaves the funeral ceremony.

I'm also absolutely shocked that this song has not been used in an over the top action sequence. This would fit perfectly (the last part of the song that is) in some sort of weird hybrid 80's action movie + post 2000 action movie sensibility where you have a guy who is getting revenge on those who raped his wife and left her for dead.

Was Probably a Good Idea at One Point

HBO's Real Sex Documentary Series. Yeah, it's late at night and you are bored. You probably were ready to go to bed but then on the channel guide it says "Real Sex." Intrigued you surf over to HBO....you're in luck, its just starting. The advisory thing comes up and it says that this has nudity, adult content, and adult situations. At this point you're probably getting excited. Then it turns out you are watching a 20 minute segment on a 'Swingers Commune' in Northern California where overweight people who look like the woman who is sitting at the table and judges "Best Fruit Preserves" for the Dakota County Fair extol the virtues of having sex at least twice a day with a stranger. Then I vomit and cry myself to sleep only to awaken 2 hours later in a cold sweat. I will run into the shower with my clothes on and wash off the shame with 15 minutes of cold water running over me.

Anyhow.



My grandma always and still refers to her couch as a DAVENPORT. This always confused me because there was a town called Davenport that is located in Iowa. As it turns out Davenport is the name of a company/brand that became so popular that it became a general term for a sofa/couch. Much the way Kleenex is a brand but people will just call a facial tissue a kleenex. No matter the explanation I still find it quaint and awesome. Much like she prefers the use of the word slacks and I believe she preferred the hydrox to the oreo.

Remember The Time?

No this is not an esoteric reference to the Michael Jackson song....IT'S A COMPLETELY PROSAIC REFERENCE!! ENGLISH GRAMMAR FUN!!!

I'm about to blow a gasket on the next asshole who unloads on me for absolutely no reason at work. Just so we've set the ground rules, I'm not the fucking boss. When you come up to me complaining about waiting in line and how we "always have problems" you are fucking lying. This is a fact because you keep coming back to this place with the same complaints over and over. Secondly when you say to me in a matter of fact voice but also in a distinct tone that indicates that while you want me to hear what you're saying, you are in fact saying this in a rhetorical fashion it does you no good and it means nothing to me. "You should hire more people" means nothing to me for two reasons.

1. I CAN'T FUCKING HIRE ANYONE OR ELSE I WOULD HIRE 20 MORE PEOPLE SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORK.

2. You don't care about my response anyways so fuck you.

When I told the customer that "we're actually short staffed today because a person called in sick and another is on vacation" you met me with your empty stare. OHHHH, I GAVE A LEGITIMATE ANSWER FOR YOUR WAIT TIME AND NOW YOU ARE PUZZLED.....FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. Seriously, go die.

The other best part of my day was when I was being condescendingly scolded for not knowing what someone was talking about when she immediately started blabbing on the phone giving me no context as to what she was talking about. I don't call up Pizza Hut and immediately being ranting about the need for a finer chopped onion like I'm in the middle of a conversation that has been on going for the last 20 minutes. And if any of you want proof of how stupid rich and removed from reality the hyper rich are, when I asked this woman how she was going to get these forms to ME at my place of WORK when she herself had no intention of bringing them to me she matter of factly told me that HER DRIVER would drop them off as HE always DOES.

OHHHHHH OF COURSE!!! I am so STUPID for assuming that she would actually move. She has her driver do it?!?! Seriously. What percentage of people in the United States right now have a "driver?" I'd say under 2 percent.

Remember the time I wanted to kill myself every day I wake up and have to go in to work?

To Quote Susan Powter, "STOPPPP THE INSANITY!!!"

Restaurant Idea

The idea/concept behind this place is that we compete in an up scale market but we only serve meat and its absurdly modern/avante garde/utilitarian. The entire restaurant is made of concrete. There is loud thumping industrial music played over tinny loud speakers. Up on high perched balconies are buff shirtless mean slowly and rythmically hammering large pieces of metal, pulling on chains that are on pulleys, and operating large switches. When I said the entire restaurant is made of concrete I mean it. The tables and seats are molded from it. There are no plates. Services are done on rotations. We let the restaurant fill to capacity, everyone is served, and then we bring out the fire hoses. Since its all concrete I can just hose down the entire place and let it air dry.

The other really fucked up part of this place is that the bathrooms are elevated in the center of the restaurant. You go up spiral metal stair cases and you are basically over the entire dining area and its a giant cube. For some sort of idea think of a scoreboard in a sports arena and the dining area is where the rink/court would be. The thing is, the entire floor is made up of one way glass. So when you're up above everyone it will feel like you are pissing on/shitting on the patrons except they can't see up. Trust me, this is brilliant. Also we serve hot dogs but charge 742 dollars per dog because instead of relish I use black truffle paste and flakes of gold instead of onions.