Burger Wars

Only the dead have seen the end of war. - Plato

Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. - Jesus

The quest for the perfect 'fast food' burger is a lot like combat. A lot of down time followed by a few moments of pure excitement, fear, and adrenaline. Then after the action an immediate let down...followed by a little introspection and maybe some crying.

Taken as a whole the burger landscape couldn't be better. There are the old classics that can be found at McDonalds and Burger King. There is even an upper market crust that can be found at places that could even be called "trendy" where if you don't mind spending 11 dollars on a burger, one can be found that may in fact blow your mind. I care not for this type of burger. I want one that I can drive through and pick up. This leads us to the burger wars.

1. In-N-Out (Can be found in California, Arizona, Nevada, Utah)

Claims to fame include being essentially a west coast entity. Made to order, fresh ingredients, and a cult like following. The genius of In-N-Out is that the menu is build on simplicity. You can get a burger, fries, a drink, and if you dare a milk shake. A meal of a single patty burger, fries, and drink will only cost you a five dollar bill which is a great deal. Do I think its the best fast food burger out there? Probably not...but I think the reason why it has such a loyal fan base is for two reasons. One is that there is a expected level of quality that is pretty much always met. You order and then it is made...the simplicity becomes its greatest asset. You know you're not getting a heat lamp burger and you know what it will taste like. I prefer my burger "animal style" but the standard burger provides plenty of flavor as well.

Secondly I think that hype is what makes In-N-Out gain such fame and notoriety. Because of the limited locations (both in what States its located and number of locations) it becomes almost like the forbidden fruit...or perhaps more like a case of "The Grass is Always Greener." In-N-Out has permeated popular culture to a point where I think if you're visiting California a suggestion will be made to at least stop there once and get a burger. With that in mind I can speak firsthand about the longing for In-N-Out.

One less than stellar point with In-N-Out is their fries. I order mine well done and even then they are lifeless. Yes I realize they cut their own potatoes and make them fresh but whatever oil they're fried among other things just doesn't imbue enough flavor in to them. They taste rather bland so I end up over salting them and dousing them in ketchup. I'd say out of all fast food chains they may have my least favorite french fries. Its a damn shame too because to me the french fries are almost as important as the burger.

In conclusion In-N-Out provides a high quality product at basement prices.

2. Five Guys (Began in Virginia but is now spreading out Nation Wide)

If In-N-Out is Tupac, then I would say Five Guys originally was The Notorious B.I.G. Five Guys is often used as a counterpoint to In-N-Out as a chain where burgers are king. Unlike In-N-Out you can find Five Guys slowing creeping across the country. Although the highest concentration of locations is still located on the East Coast they can be found all over the country including Edina Minnesota and Carson, California.

They take a very similar no frills approach to their food and their serving style. One thing I like about Five Guys is the option to add a few more frills to your burger than In-N-Out. Jalapeno, grilled onion, grilled mushroom, bacon, and other things let you trick out your burger a bit more. Its difficult to articulate how the burger tastes but the patty is relatively sizable and comes on a sesame seed bun. The flavor is strong and almost buttery. I like them a lot.

A huge selling point to me is their french fries. They're fucking great and even the "regular" size is gigantic. They scoop them up and drop them in a styrofoam cup but basically through in a huge amount of overflow in to the paper bag they throw the fries in so you're getting. I'd roughly approximate the amount of fries you get in a regular order to a super sized McDonalds french fry order (R.I.P. super sized options) plus another medium order of fries. SO what I'm saying is you're getting fat. The fries are seasoned in some sort of light spice medley that is quite good. The fries elevate the burger to greater heights and I have to say much like the East Coast West Coast rivalry there is no clear winner....except America.

Five Guys also provides complimentary peanuts while you wait for your food to finish but seeing as I don't like peanuts this means nothing to me.


Burger Wars will continue at a later date.