Just When You Thought Things Couldn't Get Any Better

At work there are several fax machines. Although the trend of Junk Faxes has mostly died off, we still get a few every day. Junk Faxes for those not in the know are the equivalent to junk mail and or SPAM email. Things from offering vacations, to insurance policies, and sometimes even FAX versions of the Nigerian 419 scams. My thought goes to one thing. Why still send these? Faxing is obnoxiously shitty and the only time I've ever used it is when I had to fax in a legal document...because they didn't except PDF forms via email.

And since I like to talk about Back to the Future, allow me to tie this back in to a Back to the Future reference. In Back to the Future: Part II, Future Marty after "interfacing" his card with Needles, he gets fired. His boss, 'The Jitz' implores Future Old Marty to "Read my fax." It simply reads "You're Fired." What I want to know is what exactly was the card that Marty was interfacing and why does it lead to immediate termination. In fact, I don't think its ever made entirely clear what job Marty had. Quite frankly, as a Back to the Future fan I think I'm owed a very poorly worded explanation as to what job Future 2015 Marty had.


Saw Inglourious Basterds this weekend. Two things worth noting. Two people in front of me left the theater after a close up shot of a Nazi getting scalped occurred. Not really sure what one would be expecting with this movie not to see a nazi or two get scalped. Secondly, can we ban cell phones, loud candy wrappers, and people who laugh to much at sequences in films when they really shouldn't be laughing that much. I remember seeing No Country For Old Men at the Lagoon in Uptown and there were a few people who thought that the Coens made a sequel to The Big Lebowski. Fucking hell people. Just because there are a few legitimately funny sequences and or over the top shit in this film (Basterds) does not get you open season to laugh like you're watching the funniest fucking movie ever made.

Get Him Man

Smug Favre Is Here To Stay

Shout out to Pudding Bath. Favre Says Hello.

Things

I bit my tongue on sunday when I was eating an apple. Now realize how dumb/terribly clumsy I have to be when I say that this wasn't just a little nibble. I bit it hard and it started bleeding...and stayed bleeding for about an hour and a half until I applied pressure to it with a towel. This is pretty hard to do when the cut is far back in the corner on your tongue. It was a stupid way to spend part of my sunday.

Secondly, what is the deal with people wearing winter caps during the summer. The summer beanie or whatever where the dude wears it but it doesn't actually come over the ears and is worn more laying on the back half of the head. Not sure about you all but if I put anything remotely knit on my head and its not sub zero, I sweat my ass off. My face starts sweating and it looks like I'm having a mild stroke when I start getting remotely hot...it is not pleasant and I can't imagine wearing a knit hat in July or August.

Once again I have to berate the moronic fucking bikers of Santa Monica. I don't own a car. Let me make that clear. I rely on biking and taking the bus like a damn loser to get around. What I don't get is when there are designated bike lanes and yet two people on bikes are riding side by side and one of those bikers is in the road. Stay single file or something please. I'm talking to you woman who was clearly in the path of the road which made it so the bus I was on had to slow down all the time and then you would turn your head back and kind of move over but not enough for the bus not to plow you down. Goddamn. Stay in the lane single file. This goes for all you wanna-be Tour De Retards who wear your spandex bike outfits and ride in your packs with your stupid Tour-De-Santa Monica shirts and shit.

White Men Can't Jump

Sorry for all these youtube videos. I promise I'll get back to more rants and stupid thoughts but I had to post this.

Holy Cow

A lot happened this weekend. Fantasy Football Draft 2009 (3 Hours of fun!), District 9 (good), The Hurt Locker (Great), and drinking stuff.

Let me first say that you should all go out and see District 9 and I finally got around to seeing The Hurt Locker. Both of these films are worth checking out and it makes me vomit in rage that a large number of people would rather have gone and seen Transformers 2. But I'm not here to repeat the large amount of praise these two movies got. I'm here to totally bitch about the previews I saw before these movies. Lets start with the movie Legion. Its about angels and the fight for good and evil and all that boring crap. This movie looks boring and the trailer actually caused myself and most of the audience to laugh. Why you ask? How about an old grandma saying that a pregnant womans baby will burn and then it turns out she is a demon and bites a guys neck and goes all 'crabwalk' and decides to crawl on the ceiling and get shot at.....how does that sound? Really goddamn dumb? YEP!! And now through the power of the internet we can watch an uncensored version right here. Skip to the 2:20 mark.



They also had one of those AMC long form previews before the actual previews started. This was showing off the awesomeness of the new NBC show Trauma...and by awesomeness I mean holy shit terrible overwrought stupid over the top crap. Just watch this whole thing and laugh again. "I LOVE MY JOB" *CUE EXPLOSIONS AND HELICOPTER CRASH!!*



Getting back on the topic of raging grannies there is really only two ways you can take an old grandma in most movies. Well, actually its more like three. You either get the nice old grandma that is just nice and old. Then you have the "hip" and or "delusional" grandma who will in the course of the movie probably smoke a giant bong, swear a lot, and talk about how much she likes/liked having lots of sex. The last way is you have the old grandma be evil, or possessed, or just a bitch, or just really freaky. Let me point out that when you try to make old people seem creepy or evil, it either totally works or totally fails. In the case of Legion, it really fails and instead causes mass laughter.

To Live and Die in LA

People are always asking me what its like to live in Los Angeles (no one is actually asking me this).

I point them to this clip and say that this pretty much sums it up.

All Time Top 5 Sports Intro's

This is a Top 5 List consisting of my all time list of sports intros. While this list is a Top 5 they aren't really in a particular order. They basically have to meet my requirement of giving me chills and getting me pumped up.

1. Chicago Bulls/NBA on NBC

First and foremost you have the NBA on NBC. I could wax nostalgically about watching the NBA on NBC at my grandma's house on her basement TV. I won't bore you. What I loved about the entire NBA on NBC presentation from the NBC peacock being laser etched in to the awesome John Tesh performed "Roundball Rock" was that it played up the very drama of the sporting event. With either Bob Costas or Marv Albert setting the "story line" of the series it was always an exciting affair. Couple that with my memories of the Alan Parsons Project blaring as the Chicago Bulls starting lineup was introduced and you have a recipe for magic. Watch the first video setting the "story" and tell me you aren't pumped...and when that NBC logo pops on and the song kicks in...just awesome.





2. Oilers vs. Hurricanes Game 3 Stanley Cup Finals

What most people don't realize is that the CBC makes some amazing intro videos for the playoffs. Similar to the storyline stuff that NBC did. They make great montages and if you look back at a previous post of mine they had a great sports montage set to The Scientist of all songs for this last years playoffs. Anyways, this is less of a CBC produced sports montage and more a pure intro. The Oilers manage to take a terrible Black Eyed Peas song and still make it work. Watch this entire intro and tell me you don't get chills...the crowd is clearly insanely passionate and well...hockey intros always rock. I like the skating around in your respective end warm up more than any other sports intro. Another thing I love is seeing the last player coming out of the tunnel as the people inside cheer him with the camera following from behind. Awesome...also awesome is Don Cherry and his awesome suits.



3. Shawn Michaels

He thinks he's cute, He knows he's sexy, He has the looks that drives the girls wild. A true superstar who can work the crowd.



4. NHL on ESPN

I just like the song they used a lot.



5. Ottawa Senators Spartan Introduction

Just kidding, this is on here for probably one of the most ill conceived stupid ideas ever. Watch this intro and try not to laugh/feel incredibly awkward.

Watchout Weekend

I'm here to kick your ass.

Windtalkers

Much like the American Military during World War II used multiple Native American languages and dialects (most famously Navajo in the Pacific Theater) so too does Craigslist. Except instead of cryptic Native American languages it is now key words that are used to mask the true descriptions and instead confuse the enemy. By enemy I mean of course me, the prospective renter. On an interesting side note for you history nuts, Navajo is entirely a spoken language that was passed down from generation to generation. No actual alphabet or symbology exists! True story!

I have slowly worked to decode this mysterious language.

Vintage = The heat for this place does not work well. There is virtually no insulation and when it gets cold out you will freeze your ass off.

Charming = Yes it has wood floors but this place was built during the depression. When we say charming we mean that shag carpet that has more bodily fluids stuck in it then a motel 6 mattress.

Great Location = Shitty location

Spacious = You are looking at a studio apartment...of course its not actually spacious. Unless you think a queen size mattress taking up 2/3rds of your place is "spacious."


A few things to wrap this whole thing up. Why is it on Craigslist now matter how good a camera you have and what kind of photographer you are, the pics of the prospective place you want to live at always fucking suck. Not only do they never give you an idea of how big the place actually is, when they go through the craigslist uploader they all end up looking like complete shit.

Is it a bad sign when the application for renting has a ton of terrible grammar and spelling errors-o-plenty?! Fucking hell.

Shout Outs

Home slice at Pudding Bath has lately been getting me all riled up. First hating on the Vikings (Big No No) and then he doesn't give The Wrestler an A+ review. Shocking to say the least but I have to admit, it is one of several blogs I check when I see an update. Sure it has a heavy Wisconsin bias (and I do mean heavy...get it, they're all fat) but some just don't now better.

Last post was a bit more serious (one might even call me EMO) but here is the reason. I miss rain. I'm not talking about the Korean pop superstar Rain either...I'm talking about the water that comes from the sky. Thunderstorms, light sprinkles, (insert Forest Gump rain monologue), big fat rain, and tornadoes. Since the start of summer...which I suppose out here in Los Angeles means about February it has probably rained in the area I live in maybe twice for about a total of an inch if that. It's fucking depressing out here without any weather but sunny days. Yeah this is going to bite me in the ass if and when I move back to the Twin Cities and its -25 degrees as I wait for the bus freezing my ass off crying tears that instantly freeze before they roll of my cheeks leading me to only cry more due to the pain which will only create a cycle that exacerbates itself. But here and now I'd like to see some goddamn rain.

Also this Onion article pretty much sums of my terrible existence as I continue to be completely broke and unable to afford a car and have to rely on public transportation in Los Angeles!!!!

MAN RUNNING AFTER BUS DELIGHTS OCCUPANTS

Final shout out goes to one Ms. Extreme Ash because she has a lot of links and they update so when I'm at work on my iphone (since they block internet at my computer except to key financial websites) I can live vicariously through much more exciting peoples lives and happenings in their bubble. In particular its been made entirely clear some people eat a lot better than I do.

Moment

There is a moment in one of my favorite movies of all time, 'Field of Dreams' in which (at I'd say about the 1 hour 28 minute mark) where a small musical interlude kicks in and you hear what I would guess to say some sort of woodwind instruments swell up on the musical score. This is paired with the on screen action of Kevin Costner's character apologizing to one Moonlight Graham because he can no longer return as a young man to the titular Field of Dreams. At that moment when the music comes on you also get the ambient sound of the wind rustling through the expansive corn fields and pine trees of Iowa and the birds chirping and the simple country ambience. In the background is the corrugated tin sheds that likely house some sort of livestock or potentially just some farm equipment, perhaps a tractor or two. That very moment strikes me deep and makes me nostalgic for the past as well as pointing out the sharp contrasts of my current surroundings. Field of Dreams is a great movie.

I would also argue that the tragic story of Archibald Graham is the better of the two stories arcs. The estranged father and son coming together for a game of catch (although I call it "play catch") never had the emotional depth compared to a man who had a dream and pursued it, only to find an alternate life even more fulfilling. Yes, without the field there would be no catharsis for either of the two but Graham disappearing into the corn field gives better pay off.

With that in mind I will list the top 3 scenes that give me chills everytime I watch it.

1. The aforementioned sequence where Annie falls and is choking on a hot dog, Young Graham crosses the crushed gravel path thus turning into old Graham and then fading into the sunset/cornfield.

2. Fenway Park. Graham's stats play on the scoreboard/jumbotron screen. The music makes that scene for me.

3. When they pick up young 'Archie' Graham on the road heading through Iowa.

Prepare to Nerd Out

Right, I'm on post number 2 of the night...and its because I have no money and will have none until friday. Thats why I'm not out drinking and having fun. Instead I'm checking out the latest edition of the greatest game ever Rock Band. The Beatles: Rock Band is coming out in about a month. Watch the intro cinematic and tell me it doesn't at least kind of make you want to play it.

Ghostbusters 2

Remember that painting at the end that appears after Vigo is vanquished? Once I get some money I will commission an artist to recreate that masterpiece for my own home.

Top 10

Is 'One Headlight' by The Wallflowers one of the top 10 songs of the 90's? I would say completely and unequivocally yes. I would compare it to a song like 'Interstate Love Song' in that it clearly holds some sort of inherent timelessness to it, yet simultaneously encapsulates a very distinct time and moment.

The song comes off the sophomore album of The Wallflowers and its worth noting the oft mentioned fact that this Jakob Dylan is the son of Bob Dylan. Besides "escaping" the legacy of his own father, but I'm not going to really beat the whole compare and contrast thing in to the ground. I'm not really a music scholar by any means but I would say that this song is a relatively clean sounding song but has a haunting organ (I think organ?) that provides a nice haunting melodious background. Semi-metaphoric lyrics top off this song with a bit of a loose story but I also have to give my props to the video. Watching the video you get no sense of ridiculous dated things going. Clothing wise the band is dressed in very modest casual wear. All in all I'd say the song has aged well and the video even more so. This is definitely one of my favorite songs period, so I'm giving the thing a pretty glowing review right now.

As far as good times to bust this out? Try throwing this one on your next ipod playlist if you're doing one of those late night car rides/night hours of a road trip where everyone has stopped talking and everyone is kind of just staring out their windows as you find yourself winding down some empty roads. On the other hand if you're into the whole "creating soundtracks for life" I think this could go along well again at night, but this time its raining and the pitter patter of the rain hitting your car creates a nice 'white noise' background. Seriously though, this is a good song.

Sims 3

You can buy this for the iPhone. They say that abusing animals and killing them in your youth and I believe into full blown adult hood is a warning sign that you might end up becoming some sort of crazy serial killer. The media has also tried to pin the playing of violent videogames with acts of violence. Games like Doom were linked to the Columbine shooting. I will respectfully disagree with those connections though. If the virtual world was the real world, I'd be the worlds more prolific killer. Hand to hand, guns, tanks, fireballs, stars that make me invincible...I've killed with the best and with the best.

I only played the original iteration of The Sims but let me give you a glimpse into my mind. Besides pimping out my bachelor pad I would invite my Sim neighbors over to the house. Its fun trying to balance work, play, and everything else but I got bored. I cheat to get unlimited money and make my house awesome. If playing god means I can create...it also means I can destroy....and by destroy I mean invite my neighbor over for a swim in my pool and then I pause the universe, remove the ladder to the pool and then watch as my neighbor is stuck in the pool and swims until he is so exhausted he drowns. I would like it if in the Sim World the Sim Police came and investigated me and then put me in Sim Jail. I would then have an entire new game called Sim Prison where basically you have to survive in a jail and avoid all the bad stuff that goes on in prisons. You could align yourself in Sim Prison with the various gangs. Latin Kings, Aryan Brotherhood, and so on. Its a game within a game, within a game.

You might be asking yourself..."Scott, are you saying that you are in fact a serial killer because of your sadistic game play style in The Sims?!" I would say of course not and laugh nervously. You would also laugh and resume eating your dinner. I would then turn and look over my shoulder staring directly into the camera ala the Thriller video and my eyes would be glowing red.

THE END would pop up...then a red question mark would slowly fade in.

I think I remember this?

On a little side note about the taco bell dog, I swear to god that there was this gordita commercial where it had the dog in Che Guevara looking beret and it was kind of a communist style commercial. There was a song that went something like "GORDITA....GORDITA, FRESH BREAD CRADLE THREE (?), THEN SANTA FE!!! LET'S GO EAT ONE NOW!!"

How terrible of a human being am I that I remember a jingle to a taco bell commercial from at least 8 years ago but I can't remember my own relatives birthdays?! Not really bad at all. Its a testament to modern marketing and the advertisement wizards that prove we really are consumer sheep waiting to be molded.

Which is awesome.

Best Live Performances

Say what you will about U2 but I think they can really bring it when it comes to live shows. From the film Rattle and Hum (which is half the time completely unintentionally hilarious a lot of the time) you get a amazing performance of the song Sunday Bloody Sunday. Bono gets a couple monologues where he goes off because of an IRA bomb that went off at a Remembrance Day parade in Northern Ireland. Bono is usually somewhat of a caricature in many peoples eyes but in this live performance it feels very honest and emotional.



My favorite part in this entire performance is how the guitar and drums are somewhat quieted and beating in the background while Bono is ranting but as soon as he is done the band basically kicks right back in and starts rocking. One other thing made obvious...wearing vests was extremely popular within the band U2 on this tour.

Get Busy Livin, Or Get Busy Eating Taco Bell's Big Box Special

If you haven't heard by now, the crowds are gathering outside his compound as we speak. The Taco Bell that captured America's Heart years ago with his winning catch phrase, "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" is dead. I for one am saddened by this legends passing. In his honor I plan to eat at least one grilled stuffed burrito....perhaps even two.

I think the straw that broke the camel's back may have just been....uhhh, broken? Probably going to become a jet setter nomad and try to move back to Minneapolis with my constant vacation spot being in California? Maybe? Not sure really. I've realized I've become what I always said I wouldn't be. The DUDE WHO IS TOTALLY IN TO AND LOOKING FORWARD TO WEEKENDS.

I get excited for no reason other than it means that I know I won't be working. I usually don't do shit on those rare days off yet when I'm at work I do that stupid little, "Man its Friday...so glad!!" NOOOOOOO!!!! Which brings up another point. I really hate it when customers come in and are all like "Man you guys sure are lucky to work inside here! It's so hot outside!" Yes you stupid moron. I sure am lucky to be inside working for about 80 percent of the time the sun is out. I'm sure glad I am not outside right now at the beach actually enjoying myself. Yes, I realize that they are probably saying this to make me feel better but the alternative to being inside all day in air conditioned places is not always hard back breaking field labor picking strawberries in 100 degree heat. It should be noted too that most of the people say this are rich house wives who clearly do not work because its 11am and they're just heading out to their yoga session while the nanny looks after the kids.

The other thing I keep hearing when I express even a remote displeasure in working to people is, "Yeah well at least you have a job!!" Which of course I respond in a very joking fashion of, "Yeah I guess you're right!" *Group Laughter HARHARHAR*

Except that is completely stupid. Just because we are in a tough economic time and jobs are hard to come by doesn't mean I can't be pissed at my own job. Now this next example is merely a hypothetical and I am in no way comparing my situation to that of those who went through terrible forced labor, but it typically can always be "WORSE." In the middle ages lets say you are a serf. This basically means you have to sow a small plot of land on your Lord's property. You do all the work on the field, plant, harvest, etc on this piece of leased land and in turn the Lord grants you the right to use this land (after he cuts his enormous cut) and you may get to keep what little is left over and he will probably protect you if a band of angry marauders strolls through town. In turn you are bound to this land and you will live your entire life very unlikely to move beyond a geographical area of more than 10 or so miles. You will work hard labor and likely die young. BUT HELL, IT COULD BE WORSE!! YOU COULD LIVE UNDER A TYRANNICAL LORD WHO IS REALLY MEAN AND DOESN'T GRANT YOU ANY LAND RIGHTS AND WHOM SELLS YOU INTO SLAVERY TO SOME RANDOM OTHER PERSON!!

My point, it can always get worse. My warning to all the single ladies in Minneapolis. Watch out because a sexually frustrated and extremely sarcastic dude may or may not be moving back to the Twin Cities in a month or two!

Where Kevin Bacon Goes, Crappier Sequels Without Him Follow

By now we all know the whole 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon' thing. The concept is simple. Kevin Bacon is a god. Within six steps one should be able to link him to any other actor or actress.

Something that I have stumbled upon though is that Kevin Bacon is pretty awesome, but what happens when Kevin Bacon moves on? What is left in his massive wake? As it turns out the only thing Kevin Bacon leaves is a nuclear fallout that mutates movies. Ones he was originally in are now shittier sequels that no longer feature Bacon but instead its usually a motley crew.

EVIDENCE: Tremors

Kevin Bacon stars in this really awesome movie where a town in the middle of no where Nevada fights subterranean worm things called Graboids. Reba McEntire is in it. Needless to say this movie is pretty awesome. I should probably go in depth and provide a review but that is for another time. Shocking to say but Tremors spawned 3 sequels and a TV show all without Kevin Bacon. So far the 'Bacon Theory' holds true.

EVIDENCE PART 2: Wild Things

There will be no lies. Denise Richards gets naked in this movie. We all know that. What you might not know is that this film spawned two sequels. Wild Things 2 and Wild Things: Diamonds in the Rough. Guess how many of the Wild Things 'Thrillogy' had Kevin Bacon in it? If you guessed only the first one you would be absolutely correct. On a side note, I would argue that Wild Things actually has Bill Murray in one of his better later career roles where he is legitimately funny and not trying to be very serious and somber as much of his later career has been.

EVIDENCE PART 3: Hollow Man

If you thought being invisible might be fun you'd be wrong. As it turns out turning invisible makes you super strong, super perverted, and super rapist. Kevin Bacon turns invisible and Josh Brolin and Elisabeth Shue must defeat him. I'm not making any jokes either. Turns out if you become invisible you just become a gigantic pervert. Anyways another Direct-To-Video sequel known as Hollow Man 2 would come out a few years later. You know you're going down hill when Kevin Bacon is now replaced with Christian (I Once Had A Promising Career but Some Where Along the Lines I Just Started To Suck Ass) Slater. He was cool in Heathers, I will give him that. Okay, Broken Arrow is a guilty pleasure of mine as well but anyways. Bacon once again leaves in his wake a terrible sequel sans Bacon.

EVIDENCE PART 4: Balto

According to Wikipedia, "Balto is a wolf-dog, shunned by both humans and dogs in Nome. His only friends are Boris, a Russian goose, and Muk and Luk, two polar bears. Balto and Boris live on a grounded boat outside Nome, while Muk and Luk are occasional visitors."

Balto happens to be voiced by Kevin Bacon. Balto II: Wolf Quest and Balto III: Wings of Change also star the titular title character Balto. Balto is not voiced by Kevin Bacon in the two sequels. Neither of the two sequels got a theatrical release either. Balto was released in 1995. I have nothing witty or interesting to say about Balto. Therefore I will say this, I liked The Air Up There.

EVIDENCE PART 5 (Stretching It Here): Friday the 13th

Kevin Bacon stars in the first of 232 Friday The 13th movies. He dies in this one so it really isn't fair that he isn't in the sequels but to fair, he dies in Wild Things and Hollow Man (OR DOES HE?!?) as well. That said, movies always resurrect dead people so I won't be fair. I'm making this theory and as such, I say what the rules are.

If I wanted to stretch it even further, National Lampoon's Animal House laid the groundwork for all the shitty National Lampoon's Movies that came after it. So in a way anything with that moniker without Kevin Bacon further emphasizes how Bacon moves on and shittier stuff follows.

Anomaly: Beauty Shop

Working in reverse order the film Barbershop starring Ice Cube came out in 2002. In 2004 Barbershop 2: Back in Business is released. In that film a character known as Gina played by Queen Latifah is introduced. Finally in 2005 the film Beauty Shop is released. A full fledged vehicle starring Latifah has her opening her own 'Beauty Shop'. In this film Kevin Bacon plays a flamboyant self centered hair stylist. I'm not sure if Beauty Shop is actually better than Barbershop or worse. Or maybe the same. This doesn't quite fit the Bacon theory but at the very least it proves that the Bacon theory can be somewhat flexible.

In conclusion, Kevin Bacon is really good in Apollo 13. I like that movie. I also like The Air up There.

How Would I Know Anything About a Wig?!

Kids in the Hall ...an all time great.

Josie's On A Vacation Far Away

Come Around And Talk It Over, So Many Things That I Want To Say, You Know I Like My Girls A Little Bit Older

Classic song for a classic blog post.



The actual video is not that good. So here is my reimagining that I will honestly edit up in iMovie when I go on my next road trip. You get the intro bass line cutting in. From about 0:00 seconds to 0:18 you have the camera slowly panning down the length of a long convertible. Intercut with this panning move is quick flashes of palm trees and the sun setting behind them and in one quick shot you see a plane taking off. You also get a brief shot of wind surfers.

:18 -:30 ( I Just Wanna Use Your Love Tonight ) Is me driving away down a stretch of road (preferably Miami or Los Angeles). I'm wearing reflective aviators, acid wash jeans that are tight, and a large jean fabric button down shirt with the top 3 buttons undone.

:31-:48 In that weird gray scale video style where its basically like its dropping a frame or two (stutter style slow motion) you see a flashback of me arguing with my hot 80's girlfriend. She has gigantic hair and is wearing a womans suit jacket with giant shoulder pads. She slams the door and I sit on my large white tacky leather couch which rests beneath my tiger print rug. I put my face in my hands.

:49-1:32 Now a short montage of me driving at night occurs. Time Lapse camera's capture the blurring lights of the Los Angeles West Hollywood nightlife. I'm distraught but don't know what to do. Pain in my eyes (you can tell despite the fact that I am wearing my sunglasses at night, so I can, So I can, keep track of the visions in my head) as I drive aimlessly yet there are glimpses of me looking at attractive women as I drive by. Near the 1:32 point I am now sitting at a bar alone where a lively crowd behind me is dancing and enjoying themselves.

1:33-2:40 Steadicam shot that has 'shades of Goodfellas' as I enter an almost Michael Jackson Beat It like situation in that I'm walking out of the bar (as opposed to the diner in Beat It). I stand up and look directly into the camera. I then turn around and exit the bar through the kitchen and out the back where my convertible is conviently parked. As I pull away the tires screech and I'm off in a plume of tire smoke.

2:40-3:39 It now shows my distraught girlfriend back at my badass 80's pad. She is now in full hot 80's chick mode. She is in her going out to the club wear. She is wearing an off the shoulder top in leopard print. A short lycra mini-skirt finishes this outfit. She is crying while looking through the photo album of our trip where we went skiing in Tahoe. I burst through the door and there is a moment of tension as we both stare. We realize the errors of our ways and reunite in a hug. As the music fades the picture of us hugging freeze frames and fades out and cuts back to me and my newly reunited girlfriend driving down the Pacific Coast Highway as the sun sets.

Fin.

Did you know that disco record sales were up 400% for the year ending 1976? If these trends continue....

First a bomb shell. Everyone bemoans Lindsay Lohan's weight issues and in particular people seem to latch on to the fact that she "looked better as a full figured chick in Mean Girls." I respectfully disagree. The slightly coked out thinner contemporary Lindsay Lohan is thus far my favorite iteration. I am not for the insanely thin Lohan...I'd say we're on about Lohan Model 4.0 at this point and I'd say this is my favorite one. Not too skinny and yeah real women have curves but I if we're talking about random celebrities I'm not talking real women. With that bomb shell lets move on.

Los Angeles will become what Mad Max/The Road Warrior was in about twenty years. Deep down I have a love affair with this city. It has way too many things wrong with it and is dysfunctional as hell but when the sun is setting and I'm looking out at the coast line and you get one of those insanely awesome postcard setting views I can't help but be happy. That happiness is soon clouded by the fact that this city is really terrible. Lets look past the insanity that is the traffic out here. Los Angeles + Traffic Issues is now an inherent problem. The Droughts. There is currently a water shortage. There is always water issues since it rarely rains here and when it does its not a hardcore thunderstorm but rather a light misting. You wouldn't know greater LA area is in drought mode though because they everyone is still watering their lawns (Despite Water Restrictions) and even the grassy boulevards that divide streets are green....which is really impossible considering it hasn't rained a drop where I live for at least 1 and a half months if not more.

You may have watched the movie Chinatown. Los Angeles had water issues back in the 50's. Last time I checked there are a few more people here than in 1950. The Los Angeles River is a concrete channel. This is an desert like climate. Therefore my theory of Mad Max esque living will come to fruition soon when water shortages become the standard. In place of fuel/petrol is now water. It will be awesome because I plan on stocking up and then becoming a water baron (think railroad baron of the early 20th century with less monicles and stove pipe hats and more cigar smoking and laughing at poor people).

One other interesting thing is that whenever Los Angeles is in the "future" and they want to show how shitty it is, why do they always show the Hollywood sign on fire? The sign is already a big piece of crap. The letters are now made of metal. It couldn't really catch fire. I have a beef with this. I'll admit. This was a ruse. I can only think of one movie off the top of my head with that issue and its Demolition Man. This is a good movie. Watch the intro here for obligatory burning hollywood sign.

Speaking of Fat Boys (Double Post)

Uh, again I don't like relying on easy posts of just pasting in a youtube video but I think everyone should watch this.

The Fat Boys Are Back

The Fat Boys are a group that was formed in the right time and the right place. I do find it interesting that some of their most famous raps were basically talking about how fat they were and how much they loved to eat.

In what has to be the greatest most inspired musical synergy of all time, they also provided the theme song for A Nightmare on Elm Street 4. Not only did they have Robert Englund rapping in the song as his character Freddy Krueger, but they made this kick ass video.



As I pointed out earlier The Fat Boys are of a time and era that has passed us by. Today The Fat Boys could not exist. They actually managed to walk a very bizarre fine line of a legitimate hip-hop group that was quite talented, a parody, and a full blown joke. I guess you could say people like Tone Loc was someone who followed in their footsteps. If they were around today they would either be viewed as complete jokesters and not have a shred of legitimacy in the eyes of the population at large or they would not be constantly joking about how fat they were. The era of goofy rap is largely gone though too. As we all found out the hard way fun goofy rap ended the moment MC Hammer tried to "get hard."

SEE ALSO (VIDEO): PUMPS AND A BUMP

Hammer - Pumps In A Bump
Uploaded by klmbaby. - See the latest featured music videos.

Darren Robinson aka 'Buff Love' aka 'The Human Beat Box' (who made those awesome "UGHHUHGHGUHH" noises in The Fat Boys Are Back song) died as he lived. As an obese man. He died December 10th, 1995 of a heart attack. He will be missed.

I can feel death's clammy hand on my shoulder...wait, that's my hand.

Get It?! A Simpson's Reference is the Title. That is how you know I'm pop culturally relevant. I could have gone for one like "Don't have a cow man" or "That's not the wallet inspector" but that might have been too easy.

Did you think this was going to be about The Simpsons and how its way better than Family Guy or God, The Devil and Bob (Check that out, another obscure reference to a short lived NBC animated who)? Well its not because there is no argument. The Simpsons is hilarious and nuanced and slapstick and everything that a good comedy show should be. Let's forget about the last 10 or so seasons though. Those last few years are the equiavlent to your Uncle who you used to think was really cool and was funny but as it turns out is actually an alcoholic and he lost his job 3 years ago so now he just works part time and its usually during the summer roofing houses.

Also this is absolutely not news for basically anyone who is remotely aware of pop culturally relevant news but Josheph Gordon-Levitt after disappearing in to the underworld of minor gigs following his stay on Third Rock From the Sun has started appearing in more and more critics darlings like Brick and The Lookout. Sure, he is in fact in what will inevitably be a terrible G.I. Joe film but thats besides the point. He is starting to show up on more magazine covers but I'd just like to point out that he is probably my new male idol. And so this stops being a wankfest in honor of one Joseph Levitt I'm going to change subjects now.

According to Google Trends, "Howie Mandel" is the 3rd most popular search term at the moment. This is absolutely mindblowing for reasons I can't really articulate. I realize that Howie Mandel is the host of the game show Deal or No Deal but why the fuck is he the third most popular search term on google. As far as career trajectory though i'd definitely say he has had a sudden turn from being pretty popular to not culturally relevant at all to now being some sort of pop culture force. Its a bit weird.

One could draw parallels to Louie Anderson's career. Both had their own animated show. Both hosted game shows (Anderson did an iteration of Family Feud). And both were black mailed by a person threatening to reveal that they were solicitied for homosexual acts! Wait no, that was only Louie Anderson.

Tell Me All Your Thoughts On God

If you immediately burst into song after reading the title of this post (You were probably thinking of the amazing band Dishwalla and their hit song 'Counting Blue Cars') or at the very least sung in your head "Cause I'm on my way to see her!" Right...they are not really amazing...but it made me think of something that I'm entirely positive happens to everyone out there. In fact I might have even written about this before.

I'm talking about the phenomenon that I call "False Nostalgia." The song 'Counting Blue Cars' elicits certain emotions and a vague stirrings in that gray matter I call a brain. The problem is, I graduated high school in 2004. To be quite honest I don't think that when I was 10 years old when this song was becoming increasingly popular anything was going on in my life that could be considered mind shattering. 10 years old...too young for a first love or some bizarre emotional scarring moment to occur. Yet taking all this into consideration, I still feel comfortable identifying this song as one of the many songs of my youth that immediately at least for a second put me into this weird warped nostalgia trip. Its not like I was driving my first love in a car to make out point with this song playing. But secretly do I wish this happened? Probably.

Of course music is truly the soundtrack of life. We all have songs that we heard on a road trip, or when a relative died, or in some way are to you the individual very significant for some reason. I guess I'm just repeating myself at this point but I am definitely constantly creating a lot of false narratives in my mind when certain songs come on the radio/ipod. An argument could be made that I always wanted to be a director so coming up with fun little music video concepts in my mind was something I'd do when listening to a random song on my bike ride to work or school.

With that in mind, one song I definitely create some bizarre false narrative nostalgia to is 'Brand New Colony' by The Postal Service. This song is definitely a "Fall Song" for me. Leaves better be on the ground and bright orange. Once you hit the 2:30 mark in the song I'd say that I would have this weird montage speed through of the season changing from Fall to Winter. As the song ends you'd have snow piling up with a closing shot of either a person by themselves or a couple walking in the distance in falling snow. Now this is always what i've thought about when I hear the end of the song. I've certainly been single. I've certainly been in snow, but never walked on some street with a perfect sheet of snow hand in hand with my girl as the song Brand New Colony fades out in the background. What does this all mean?

I think I need to sleep.

My Love of Australia Has Dropped

Happy 4th of July. Rock and Roll, God Bless America.

Black Velvet vs. Dirty Diana

If you did not know, Michael Jackson died. I won't bother with a drawn out memory laden trip down Jackson Lane. What I will say is I always thought that the song Black Velvet from Alannah Miles and Dirty Diana were very similar. Not literally similar in that they are two very distinct songs but rather that they are both similar in my mind. If I were to hear Dirty Diana I get some sort of subconscious reminder of the other song. I'm completely lame for thinking this and even more lame for thinking (just a tad bit) that after she sings the lyrics "Slow Southern Style" they have that stupid guitar twang/riff thing going on and I start telling myself this song is decent.

True Story.

I think the only other reason I link these is because in the video Dirty Diana you have Michael Jackson performing in a very stylized concert that is actually pretty rocking. In fact I'd say this is my 2nd favorite Michael Jackson song...not to mention its about groupies. In the video for Black Velvet you have weird back country visuals intermixed with very similar stylized concert footage.

21 Jump Street

Let me be frank. Johnny Depp has thus far had an amazing career of ups and downs. Ed Wood...brilliant, Edward Scissorhands was a crazy wacky movie that I enjoy, his turn as Jack Sparrow was refreshing, and who can forget him being sucked down into a vortex hole of Freddy Krueger's creation and spraying out like a bloody Old Faithful? That said he is getting a bit too perfect and I mean that in a very nice respectable way.

I've never heard a bad story about him. He just tipped some guy 4000 dollars at a dinner. He dressed up as Jack Sparrow when his daughter was in the hospital and entertained sick children. Can I also point out he is a handsome man and be "hot" to women when he is clean shaven. When he has a weird pube beard. When his hair hasn't been washed in 3 weeks and is greasy and he actually looks worse than a homeless guy down in Venice he actually becomes more endearing to women. As Dave Damashek pointed out, he could rub hippo shit all over his face and he would only become more attractive. Is this post born out of pure jealousy?? TOTALLY.

This is not me hating Johnny Depp though. Public Enemies is now my most anticipated movie of the summer. With that in mind, stop being so awesome because you're making me feel bad. It would help if you gained 50 pounds and got ugly too.

Go See 'Moon'

Shameless shilling with a zero content post. Just got back from this film. Its a bit slow paced but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Don't want to say too much because I'll spoil it for my 5 readers out there in LaLa Land.

Stuck in the Middle

Taking a look at my iTunes list I will make no excuses. I won't try to explain what songs are on there ironically or just as a joke between friends. Between the Counting Crows and Creation I have the Greatest Hits Album of The Cranberries. I'm not going to make an excuses for having this band except that they rock. I might have mentioned this in a previous post but I think it was only in passing.

For my money I think 'Zombie' is my favorite song of theirs. I also remember seeing the video on MTV when I was a young chap and not knowing what the hell is going on and what the song was even referring to (Those wacky Irish and their "Troubles"). The greatest hits track list opens with an absolute hall of fame starting three of Dreams, Linger, and Zombie. Thats an impressive starting three. It's worth noting that Dolores O'Riordan the lead singer of The Cranberries has also done one of those 'I thought she was kind of cute but now years later turns into a babe' category. This brings up a point to hit on though.

How should a greatest hits album be constructed. A band that was a One-Hit-Wonder or maybe just a Two Hit Wonder probably wants to frontload their album. (This is of course rather blasphemous in the era of the MP3 single, but lets just pretend you're buying a CD greatest hits and are going to listen to it sequentially like a reviewer for Rolling Stone in 1992) Give the listener what they want right away. The immediate fun song that got a ton of radio play and the one you really bought this CD for. Depending on the number of true "HITS" you might sprinkle them through a CD. I'd argue that unless you're a perennial mega band you should probably limit your greatest hits to around 12-14 tracks. This does not include the 2nd disc of studio outtakes and bootlegs from live shows though.

Say what you will about the Red Hot Chili Peppers but I think we can all agree they've been around the bend more than once and have lasted longer than anyone would have thought. Speaking of which I just sawy Anthony Kiedis today and not only is he rather short, but he is sporting some sort of mustache. He must live close because I've seen him something like 3 times coming from the same place and he is always wearing a jacket or something even though its sunny and hot out. But enough about bullshit celebrity sightings, lets talk about the Greatest Hits album by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Really well balanced and almost all the tracks are pretty much "Hits" that I can listen to from the first track to the last. Key in placement is the first track being 'Under the Bridge'. I don't think I know anyone who will say that Under the Bridge sucks. In fact its probably the most popular/well known song they've ever done. Its not a case of shooting your wad too fast though because they have enough hits to fill out the rest of the disc. Bold placement is rewarded in this case.

Comfort Wipe

Finally the answer to my prayers. Or rather, cut the crap. We all know this is for really fat people who can't actually wipe themselves.

Being a big guy certainly has its advantages...and its disadvantages.

Advantages: Being a good lineman in football.

Disadvantages: Not being able to wipe your own ass.

Dear Sweden

Walking Like a Man, Hitting Like a Hammer
She's a juvenile Scam, Never was a Quitter
Tasty Like a Raindrop, She's Got the Look

The Look is to 1989 as Young Folks is to 2006

Joe Pesci Is Homeless & Smart

I'm at work listening to the shit radio and the Madonna cut 'I'll Remember' comes on. Which because I'm an absolute freak of nature reminded me of that crappy movie where Joe Pesci is a homeless guy who also happens to be living in a boiler room on the campus of Harvard. Check out this amazing trailer for the film 'With Honors' which is undeniably 90's to the core. It features the song 'Unbelievable' by EMF. Interestingly they use the exterior to the University of Minnesota's Northrop Auditorium as a stand in for Harvard's Widener library (Thanks Wikipedia!) so yeah, GO GOPHERS!




What wacky entertainment! Homeless people aren't just those people you pass every day who want your change. They can blackmail you for food and lodging whilst allowing you to learn valuable life lessons and learn the true meaning of friendship. The chick from 'The Cutting Edge' is in this. Her name is Moira Kelly and she is putting a serious mid 90's hot chick vibe that you would find in say, Winona Ryder in Reality Bites. They just don't make them like they used to. Patrick Dempsey is in this too!!! Yeah I don't really give a fuck but its funny how much better he has aged compared to the lead, Brendan Fraser who I'm pretty sure has had his hair fully receed to the back of his head.

I did actually see this movie on HBO back in the day but I have no real memories of the film. What I do have is wikipedia telling me that the character Joe Pesci plays is named Simon Wilder. He also happens to be homeless but he worked as a merchant marine before asbestos damage forced him to quit....which is hilarious. He also has become very worldly since being homeless on the campus of Harvard. He has soaked up much knowledge and eventually outsmarts the "bad guy" in this movie who is a professor as they debate over the Constitution. Riveting stuff.

The one reason I think this movie is worth mentioning though is that I cannot see this movie being made now. If it was it would either be extremely serious or extremely goofy. I also see it going the extremely goofy route.

In an alternate With Honors (Serious Version) that takes place in 2009, Brendan Fraser's character is now played by Zac Efron. Will Smith is now the homeless guy but instead of being a merchant marine who got sick from asbestos he was a former professor at Harvard who was dismissed for being intimate with one of his former students. This of course is false but in flashbacks we note that it was implied it was a gay love affair and that veiled racism and anti-homosexual forces on Harvard's campus forced him to quit. Soon his life fell apart and Will Smiths character became extremely depressed and started drinking too much. He still has his keys from his time as a professor though so he can get into the boiler rooms and sleep. Zac Efron still loses his thesis in a similar fashion and initially Will Smith is blackmailing him so he can get some food and shelter in exchange for the thesis return. That said the movie goes more Good Will Hunting/Find Forrester with the ending having Zac Efron getting Will Smith reinstated at Harvard as a professor posthumously because Will Smith dies of pancreatic cancer. They name a scholarship and a building after him though.

In the alternate wacky version Michael Cera is the student and John C. Reilly is the homeless guy. Much more focused on pure awkward humor and lots of sarcasm the concept remains similar. Except this time John C. Reilly plays up his Merchant Marine past and is constantly makign weird nautical jokes and calling Michael Cera a "scurvy land lover." This time too there is a love interest except it becomes the classic nerd pines for really hot but down to earth girl who happens to be dating the jerk. The spin is that she is dating a professor (Played by Paul Rudd) who is actually revealed to be a decent guy who just dates students because his wife left him and is trying to fill the void of that relationship with young hot chicks. We know he is decent because Cera and Rudd meet at this coffee shop where the young hot chick is playing an acoustic set and Rudd opens his heart to Cera. To achieve hip/indie/ironic/stupid cred the girl at the coffee shop is playing an acoustic version of 'Cum on Feel the Noise'. This will be released on iTunes as a single and becomes number 4 on the singles list and is immediately put in heavy rotation on college radio stations across the country. The film ends with a scene of John C. Reilly who has realized that he was made for the ocean back on a ship. He is dressed like a crusty sailor but as the camera pans out from a close up on his face, he is actually on a Carnival cruise ship. It ends with him starting a mamba line (With Paul Rudd in the line happily smiling) as a helicopter shot takes over beautiful carribean waters. Cera & Hot Nerdy chick are driving a Vespa scooter on the coast line.

Flux Capacitor

Other thoughts about my time watching the Back to the Future trilogy at the Aero Theatre.

- The theater atmosphere was certainly a great one. Funny scenes were made funnier by an enthusiastic crowd that was into it. That said, when the Libyan terrorists come after Doc the laughter in the crowd was there but there was something in the air...almost an uncertainty about how one should laugh at the scene. There is an inherent goofiness to the scene as these two men arrive in VW van with an AK-47 and RPG. The one guy is also almost exclusively using "ARGHHH" grunts in the scene. On the other hand they are there and do initially kill one Dr. Emmett Brown. Plus...you know, terrorists.

- There was a large number of people wearing the Back to the Future 1 Marty outfit. Red vest, tight blue jeans, and suspenders. One guy had that color changing hat from Back to the Future Part 2. No one was dressed like an old west character and I didn't notice anyone with their pants inside out which is how all kids in the future dress.

- At the beginning of Back to the Futre the DeLorean DMC-12 modified with Mr. Fusion and flying cability they take off in the street in front of Marty's house. Biff comes out and sees the car take off and disappear and all he says is, "What the hell is going on here?" Cue thunderous music.

Shouldn't he have been in complete shock? Wouldn't this be a bigger deal to him? A flying car that disappeared into seemingly thin air?

- According to comments made by Michael J. Fox he loved skateboarding in real life and the character Marty McFly happened to reflect that which was great. Except any scene where its clearly not a double and is indeed Mr. Fox skateboarding remains relatively unconvincing. He doesn't seem to really look like he has a reliable push stride down.


-Below are two cell phone pictures taken. Note the working Time Circuits!

People Are Dumb

When you have a lot of money there are really stupid and hilariously creative ways to blow it. Living in the area that I do in the place that I live in I will randomly get free magazines delivered to my house. Most of them are pointless lifestyle magazines about things I don't care about. A few weeks ago I got a magazine called Genlux which happens to be a "Luxury Fashion and Beauty" magazine. It has sat around here for a while and I was about to throw it away but decided to crack its spine to see what interesting things it had to say. It was mostly just fashion pictures and random expensive things showcased for purchase. A great area that I found though was a mini-article that asked "experts" how to stay "Healthy While Traipsing Around The Globe."

"Nutritionist To The Stars" and Life-Extension Specialist Oz Garcia, Ph.D. has some real zingers!! He outlines ten tips to stay healthy while traveling. Number 9 states,

"The number one way to catch cold on a plane is by touching surfaces infected with germs. Spray your seat-and surrounding seats if possible with a solution of grapefruit seed extract, which is naturally antiparasitic, antibacterial, antiviral, and antifungal."

Thanks OZ! Thats really sensible you fucking dope. Not only would everyone think you're crazy and probably think you're a terrorist, you'd also look stupid and become beyond paranoid if you're worried that there are hordes of hidden fungus on the seats around you. He finds time to pimp his own shit in this list too. Tip Number 3 states,

"Along with the AriZona Beverage Co., I have formulated tow new products that are ideal for anyone who needs a morning boost or deep relaxation at night. AriZona A.M. Awake quickshot gives you health, sustained energy charge without the crash of coffee. It's great for clarity of mind and alertness and is packed with vitamins, minerals, phytonutrients, and green tea."

Oh yeah, and this Oz Water (nice name you turd) is only 28 dollars for a twelve pack (each bottle is 16 oz)!!! Speaking of Oz, how can he label himself as a Life Extension Specialist? How do I become one of those. "Hey dude, don't smoke!!" "Stop eating Burger King!" Holy shit, I'm already a life extension specialist!! On his website he sells stuff with names like "Brainwave Plus" and "Revita Shampoo (only 32 dollars!)" so you know he is not a quack!

Enough about Oz. What else is Genlux slanging? Why, how about GoChi juice?! ONLY 50 dollars a bottle!! WHAT A DEAL!!! According to their website, "Did you know that in some remote places in this world, a life expectancy of more than 100 years is not uncommon?" (Author Note: These places do not exist!) What I find most insulting is that in these "remote" places that GoChi juice is clearly idolizing and also falsely revering is that these remote places where people live and allegedly live for 100 years is that actually living there sucks ass. You think those people like drinking some root juice that is smashed by some elder villagers feet into a barely paletable mush? You don't think they'd rather drive their Range Rover to Whole Foods to buy a already Roasted Chicken while they talk via Moron Blue Tooth device to their nanny to pick up Little Billy from his Summer Day Camp so mom can go to Spin Class at 7pm? Goddamnit.

You might be wondering how big a single bottle is? Maybe a gallon at that price right? Wrong. You get a liter of GoChi juice for 50 dollars. On their website they include a completely stupid chart showing 19 reasons why you should try GoChi juice. You will feel calmer for one!! Just reading about GoChi juice is pissing me off so much I, hold on...I better spray my grapefruit seed extract around my room...I think i'm getting a cough.

Genlux also suggests we consider iZO Cleanze. The promotional shot makes it look like a few glass mason jars filled with various solid colored liquids. "This vegan, raw, and gluten-free beverage removes toxins, parasites, and heavy metlas from the body, strengthens the immune system, aids in weight loss, and beautifies the skin, hair, teeth, and nails." When I read something is vegan, raw, and gluten-free my first guess is that it will taste like a tepid piece of moldy dog shit. I assume I'm right too. BOY THAT SOLID GREEN LIQUID JAR SURE LOOKS TASTY!! I love how on their website they call it their "Signature Juice Feast!" Feast to me implies a abundant or excessive amount of food. Not solid mason jars of liquid that taste like Yak breath. Oh...did I mention a 1 day supply of "Cleanze" is 150 dollars. Celebrity testimonials abound on their website and in Genlux. Mary Kate Olsen uses this!! So does Mandy Moore!!! Yep, so basically if you are a famous woman and need lose a lot of weight in a short time before the Oscars or something only drinking liquid for 14 days is probably a good way to do it. Since I live in Los Angeles I can have this delivered to my door by 6 a.m. as well!!

I also love how all these cleanses and "flushes" and "cleaners" all tap dance around the fact that what they're really saying is that you'll be on your toilet for a few hours shooting liquid from your ass. They talk about "bowel cleanses" but the reality is always less glamorous. Cleanse is a nice way to say things. What it should say is "nightmarish stomach cramps where you think a midget somehow smuggled himself into your stomach and is now pouring battery acid inside you as you cry to Zeus almighty to stop the pain from overtaking you."

Conclusion: Poor people don't care about cleansing because they are trying to survive. If you have too much money you start trying to make your "nails look healthier" by consuming obscene amounts of organic, free range, torture free, this is not a plastic bag, juices that are delivered to your house at 150 dollars a pop. Me? I'll stick with Coke and a Double Double Animal Style.

I Beat the AV Club

I'm sure if you go to the Onion's AV Club you might have noticed that they blogged about "Funemployment" too. Well before you think ol' Brown Eyes (That's my new nickname and yeah its can be misinterpreted) ripped off the AVCLUB be aware I got my post about this well before they did!!

Their article was posted approximately 2:15pm today. Mine was done at 1 in the morning today. I DIDN'T PLAGARIZE!!!

AV Club Here: http://www.avclub.com/articles/funemployment-will-make-you-want-to-get-a-fun-perm,28809/

Yeah, take that haters.

Now something near and dear to my heart. The House of Hecker. Seeing the glorious rise of an automotive empire crumble has been somewhat tragic and bizarre. Denny Hecker aka That Dude who has his mug plastered all over the sides of buses and bus stops in the Twin Cities has hit rock bottom. He is being sued by everyone and according to the latest news, owes over 1 Billion Dollars to various people. A self made man that just hasn't been able to make it in this crap economy. I take solace in knowing one thing...America loves a comeback story.

Lastly the New York Times video section has this thing called Bloggingheads which is just two bloggers who are trying to dress professionally but just look stupid debate important issues of our time while wearing shitty microphone setups and recorded in low resolution webcams. I don't know who the man and woman were debating North Korea and possibilities that could lead to war but the entire premise of talking heads debating on cable, the internet, or radio is that those engaged in a debate have previous credibility so their opinions carry more weight. Obviously cable news has sometimes shredded this credibility but for the most part I play along and everything is fine. On the other hand, why should I listen to two people arguing on the internet? There is no credibility and a lot of porn. Speaking of which, I have some "research" to do.

Dear L.A. Times, Eat Shit

According to my dentist my teeth are kind of jacked. I don't have an cavities which is a plus but I have some sort of enamel or bone loss that is bad. Also bad is that I'm broke (as a mother fucking) joke. How much of this is important? None really. I intend to continue to drink Coke until it rots my teeth away. I hope within the next 15 years they will have some sort of Stem-Cell rub that I can gurgle and make my teeth better.

I'm pretty late to the party but I will say that I just read The Road by one Mr. Cormac McCarthy. Not as harrowing or nightmarish as the hype would have you think, but certainly not the bed time story for little Timmy either.

But enough about me and my pursuits of intellectual freedom. Let's get down to why I'm telling the L.A. Times to "eat shit" and if they have time, go away and "die."

Headline Reads: For the 'funemployed,' unemployement is welcome

Let me sum up this little article for you. People who are rich or had lots of money saved up are not rushing back to getting jobs. I hold no ill will for those who had a great job and then sadly got laid off. If they aren't rushing back to get a job and taking advantage of unemployment then good for them. On the other hand.

"I feel like I've been given a gift of time and clarity," said Aubrey Howell, 29, of Franklin, Tenn., who was laid off from her job as a tea shop manager in April. After sleeping in late and visiting family in Florida, she recently mused on Twitter: "Unemployment or funemployment?"

Seriously? You wrote that on your twitter feed? Funemployment? How about go kill yourself. While we're at it I might note I'm currently working in a job I hate with all my being dealing with rich people who have more money than I have ever earned and or dreamed of in my life all while they treat me like shit and laugh about it and then go buy a 24 dollar organic dog bone for their puppy.


For many younger people, Twenge said, work is less central to their lives. These days, more people than in the 1970s are saying they want jobs with a lot of vacation time, according to preliminary data from Twenge's generational surveys. Younger employees today also are less willing to work overtime. And, when asked if they would quit their jobs if they had money, more are answering "yes," though the majority still say they would continue working.

What a great study. News flash. If you gave me 1 million dollars right now I would sit on my ass and drink and go do fun things. Work is typically shitty and for most people it is merely tolerable and for some lucky folks its actually pretty good with moments of stress.

Deemer, an independent filmmaker who also worked at CNET and about.com, said he actually enjoyed corporate America, up until November when the Internet start-up he was working for failed to get financing. After it tanked, he sold his New York apartment, put his belongings in storage, turned his parents' Beijing home into base camp, and embarked on a spiritual quest to find various mystics and shamans around Asia.

OHH YEAH!!! I'M JUST LIKE ANDY DEEMER. My startup failed bro!!! Now I'm going to use my parents Beijing home as my base camp and go travel around Asia and then I....OH FUCKING WAIT. My parents live in rural Minnesota and they're not rich and I don't even own a fucking car. I'm poor. Guess what. I'm fucking bitter too when I read about people who are having their funemployment time. Do I want the world to give me money and shower me with gifts beyond my wildest dreams of avarice??!?! Yeah, but I know it won't happen. That said, don't patronize me with stupid articles about how fun not having a job is. If I lost my job tomorrow, I'd be fucking terrified about how I'm going to continue to make student loan payments. My savings account is flush with about 12 dollars right now. They say you should have at least 6 months expenses saved away. I have about 2 days worth if I hit up the dollar menu.

To conclude...I'm currently taking donations for my own 'STAYCATION' and 'FUNEMPLOYMENT' time.

NOTE:

STILL EARGERLY AWAITING THE RELEASE OF DR. DRE'S ALBUM DETOX!

The Passion of the Scott

I don't really like to talk or write about myself. It is a bit too easy to try to talk ones self up. Of course by giving the title of this post 'The Passion of the Scott' I pretty much pointed out how I am a Christ like figure. My "passion" is not about getting beat the holy hell out of though. Mine is simple. I wake up in the morning (no mom gives out a warning) and I have the day off. I rise and prepare to go to the Indian (as in India, not as in those dudes who call corn maize) place near my house and skateboard down a hill towards the destination. I arrive, already mentally prepared to feast and when I get there the damn place is closed. No sign, no notice, just that its not open right now. To clarify, the place is not closed forever, just not open right now. This pisses me off and I look in through the tinted windows. I see nothing....except some dude sleeping on a couch in the little lobby area? So basically I didn't get the lunch I wanted because they either did not open for lunch today or the chef/owner/random dude didn't want to wake up.

To radically shift gears, I watched Cliffhanger again last night on Hulu. Now, I am too lazy to search through my post history but I think I might have mentioned Cliffhanger just weeks ago. Never the less, Michael Rooker probably best known for his starring role in Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer and probably also Rowdy Burns in Days of Thunder is a tour-de-force in the film. And by Tour-De-Force, I mean he literally spends 3/4ths of his lines and time on screen running in slow motion whilst screaming/yelling for another character to "RUNNN!!!!" or "GET THE HELL OUT THERE!!!!" The other 1/4th of screen time is him getting punched, pistol whipped, kicked, and generally getting the shit kicked out of him. If I had a DVD of Cliffhanger I would rip it and upload a compilation of all his screams/yells/getting hurt scenes in Cliffhanger...it would be 15 minutes long.

Finally, I end up living in a rather insular world. I have already pointed out I'm not really into music that much. If Third Eye Blind is playing on the radio thats just fine with me. Evidently the newest craze is a gal named Lady Ga Ga (according to my google search I guess its GAGA). I am dead serious when I say I've never heard a song she has done nor could I tell you where she is from, what type of music she does, or if this is all a big practical joke being perpetrated by the Illuminati to make Scott feel stupid. I did just see her on the cover of Rolling Stone for the most part naked.

(Side Bar: I hate how Rolling Stone is now just a regular sized magazine. Not sure when this happened but I'm sure they played it off like they're going green or some stupid bullshit. Oh boy, we saved 100 trees!! Who cares, I want my oversized magazine when I take a dump.)

Anyhow, you might be asking yourselves, "But Scott, what brings this sudden onset of Lady Gaga into your world and why?!" Well my loyal readers, its because of The Onion's actual and usually well written evil twin, The AV Club. There is some interview with her that is posted in the video section where she talks about a few random things with some British Interviewer. Highlights of the interview include how she only wants huge cocks in sexual partners (WHO DOESN'T?!), how she might be bi-sexual (who isn't these days?!?), and how she can't even remember that music is supposedly her passion. The following exchange goes like this,

"That reduces my ambitions to sex, fame, and . . . what's the other one?"

"Music."

"Yeah. . ."

Watch the interview if you want to hate life.

I'm A Sucker For Sports Montages Set to Music

Back to the Future Thrillogy

Last night I sat in a movie theater to watch consecutive Back to the Future's for around six hours straight. It was pretty awesome. Watching them on the big screen something became painfully obvious though. The first entry in this trilogy is clearly the best by a long shot. I always used to fanatically love Back to the Future Part II but when watching them back to back to back the first one is just so much better in every way. Also, as someone who never thought Lea Thompson was hot, on the big screen something clicked and I definitely found myself thinking, "Damn, she is a lot hotter now than when watching on television."

It was a religious experience to say the least.

Secondary Thoughts Update:

There are a few unsettling sequences in Back to the Future 1. Biff is in the process of committing assault numerous times and nothing happens. Then at one point when Marty aka Calvin Klein is skateboarding through downtown Hill Valley as Biff and his goons chase him in his car he cuts through the lawn with his car in front of the Clock Tower building which I believe is the government center as well...he then at one point has Marty holding on to the front of his car and utters the words, "I'm going to ram him." Meaning he will use his car as a battering ram with Marty on the front of it as he drives into a truck. HE WAS TRYING TO KILL SOMEONE!!!

He also gets drunk at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance and proceeds to attempt to rape Lorraine. Biff was a goddamn degenerate and needed to be behind bars. Luckily in the new 1985 (not the one where Biff controls everything but the one following the occurences of the first film) Biff is the McFly's slave!

I Want To Be Made

AKA: I want to watch this episode of MADE so I can feel better about my own minor achievements in the world. Lucky for me MTV has put up a ton of episodes online of some of their finer programming (The Hills, True Life, Made) so I now have more fun things to watch and waste time with.

MADE, if you did not know was a show where a teenager (usually around Junior or Senior in High School) requests to the gods at MTV to be made into something else. What you end up getting is the opposite spectrum changes for most of those involved. Fat Kid Becomes Football Star, Girly Girl Becomes Skateboarder, Nerdy Girl becomes Prom Queen. Completely formulaic, trite, and sometimes insulting....yet oddly entertaining. The best parts are when their "MADE" coach clearly doesn't give a shit about helping the person because said person has completely given up. Often tears are shed.


I want MADE for adults. And by adults I don't mean the 47 year old mother of two in River Falls, Wisconsin who thinks she could be the next Roseanne. I am essentially asking for short term wish fulfillment for able bodied citizens in their early thirties or so. Let me put it this way. I'm a lazy lump of shit most of the time, but if I could have a person trainer (Preferably an angry ex-Vietnam Veteran) who woke me up at 6am and threatened me with bodily harm if I ate that ice cream cone then I think I could get in pretty good shape and or become good at some sport. This would all lead up to me trying out for some really shitty low league Amateur baseball team or something. I just need to someone to pay me for 6 months while I do all this. I think this show would rock. Its Made + Extreme Makeover Home Edition - The Home!!!

Where Teen Wolf Happens

Innocence Shattered

The year was 1998. I was still a young impressionable youth...a stranger to the world and its many wonders. I had barely gotten over the terrible tragedy of Princess Diana passing away months into 1997 when my world was torn asunder in early 1998. His name was Michael Portnoy. Words like revolutionary, anarchist, outcast....and maybe, just maybe...HERO. His Christian name is Michael Portnoy but you may remember him as SOY BOMB.

Let me be completely clear. Soy Bomb changed my life. At the time I was into hard drugs, I weighed 332 pounds, and I was an alcoholic. Post Soy Bomb (Or as I call it, Year Zero) I lost weight and that terrible rash was gone!

I really feel that if Soy Bomb had occured in 2007, not only would it be a YouTube top 10 hit, but you would have literally thousands of goofy soy bomb impersonations in every possible situation, but you would have everything from 'Leave Soy Bomb Alone' to t-shirts that say 'More Soy Bomb'. Its a shame that Soy Bomb could not have occured when media was much more eager to eat it up. You claim to be an artist or something Michael but there is no escaping your past. I eagerly await the return of Soy Bomb in 2009.

Pocket Ass

Waiting for the bus to go home from work I went to throw away a piece of gum into the garbage. This was in the garbage. Someone had a more exciting bus ride home then I did.

Cane Sugar Is The New Black

The market for "higher end" Root Beers has taken off since I started caring about Root Beer quality. Walk into any grocery store and you'll see the standard A&W, Barq's, and maybe even Mug Root Beer. Walk a bit further down that same aisle and you get glass bottles filled with more prestigious root beer. I'm talking 4 bottles for 5 dollars pricing scales. Its pretty much bullshit but I still buy them. I have to admit, they taste way better than your typical Barq's but I sometimes question how much the cane sugar has to do with it all.

People lately have been really anti-High Fructose Corn Syrup and part of me feels that its true. Cane Sugar coke is pretty damn good and even Pepsi Co. has gotten into the act with "THROW BACK" Dew and Pepsi. Even if its all in my head/marketing bullshit I am totally on the band wagon of hating High Fructose Corn Syrup and loving Cane Sugar beverages.

But who really wants to hear about what I like or dislike when I could be writing about shameful and or embarassing situations I put myself through in my daily life!! Like how about the racist old lady who came into the bank the other day and demanded clean dollar bills and out of no where declares that "its all the filthy people coming across the border who are ruining this country!" Yeah!!! Someone get me a new job away from the hell that is the bank.

While we're on about life situations (don't worry, this isn't a post about poop) I was leaving for work the other morning and I go to flush the toilet right before I'm stepping out. Now I should note the only thing in the toilet at the time was some toilet paper from when I blew my nose. I flush and this toilet is about 20 years old, uses 12 gallons of water, and still if you dropped a raisin in there it could clog and guess what...it fucking clogs. So i'm thinking, who cares I'll fix it when I get home from work......but then water starts leaking from the base of the toilet. For home improvement nuts, this is indicitave of something bad. The water forcing itself out of the base of the toilet means that likely the wax ring that makes a connection on the toilet is eroded and or there are bigger plumbing issues going on.

My rhetorical question/statement here though is that I think there is very few things that create as much panic as when a toilet is overflowing/leaking water. For one, the water is likely gross and tainted with your own waste. The thing about it too is that its usually water just rising up and it happens slow enough for you to think for a few seconds about nothing what so ever other than "HOLY SHIT WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!" It scared me. I could only throw down towels and then pray the water stopped. Panic ensued and I had to call in to work to tell them I was going to be late due to a "plumbing emergency." Funny times.

Overrated This Week:

-The Celtics
-Obama's Jokes
-Crab Cakes

Undertated This Week:

-Interstate Love Song (This song is that good)
-Shannyn Sossamon (Always Underrated)
-The Chicago Blackhawks

360, 180, and uh more Spins

Where amazing happens.