People Are Dumb

When you have a lot of money there are really stupid and hilariously creative ways to blow it. Living in the area that I do in the place that I live in I will randomly get free magazines delivered to my house. Most of them are pointless lifestyle magazines about things I don't care about. A few weeks ago I got a magazine called Genlux which happens to be a "Luxury Fashion and Beauty" magazine. It has sat around here for a while and I was about to throw it away but decided to crack its spine to see what interesting things it had to say. It was mostly just fashion pictures and random expensive things showcased for purchase. A great area that I found though was a mini-article that asked "experts" how to stay "Healthy While Traipsing Around The Globe."

"Nutritionist To The Stars" and Life-Extension Specialist Oz Garcia, Ph.D. has some real zingers!! He outlines ten tips to stay healthy while traveling. Number 9 states,

"The number one way to catch cold on a plane is by touching surfaces infected with germs. Spray your seat-and surrounding seats if possible with a solution of grapefruit seed extract, which is naturally antiparasitic, antibacterial, antiviral, and antifungal."

Thanks OZ! Thats really sensible you fucking dope. Not only would everyone think you're crazy and probably think you're a terrorist, you'd also look stupid and become beyond paranoid if you're worried that there are hordes of hidden fungus on the seats around you. He finds time to pimp his own shit in this list too. Tip Number 3 states,

"Along with the AriZona Beverage Co., I have formulated tow new products that are ideal for anyone who needs a morning boost or deep relaxation at night. AriZona A.M. Awake quickshot gives you health, sustained energy charge without the crash of coffee. It's great for clarity of mind and alertness and is packed with vitamins, minerals, phytonutrients, and green tea."

Oh yeah, and this Oz Water (nice name you turd) is only 28 dollars for a twelve pack (each bottle is 16 oz)!!! Speaking of Oz, how can he label himself as a Life Extension Specialist? How do I become one of those. "Hey dude, don't smoke!!" "Stop eating Burger King!" Holy shit, I'm already a life extension specialist!! On his website he sells stuff with names like "Brainwave Plus" and "Revita Shampoo (only 32 dollars!)" so you know he is not a quack!

Enough about Oz. What else is Genlux slanging? Why, how about GoChi juice?! ONLY 50 dollars a bottle!! WHAT A DEAL!!! According to their website, "Did you know that in some remote places in this world, a life expectancy of more than 100 years is not uncommon?" (Author Note: These places do not exist!) What I find most insulting is that in these "remote" places that GoChi juice is clearly idolizing and also falsely revering is that these remote places where people live and allegedly live for 100 years is that actually living there sucks ass. You think those people like drinking some root juice that is smashed by some elder villagers feet into a barely paletable mush? You don't think they'd rather drive their Range Rover to Whole Foods to buy a already Roasted Chicken while they talk via Moron Blue Tooth device to their nanny to pick up Little Billy from his Summer Day Camp so mom can go to Spin Class at 7pm? Goddamnit.

You might be wondering how big a single bottle is? Maybe a gallon at that price right? Wrong. You get a liter of GoChi juice for 50 dollars. On their website they include a completely stupid chart showing 19 reasons why you should try GoChi juice. You will feel calmer for one!! Just reading about GoChi juice is pissing me off so much I, hold on...I better spray my grapefruit seed extract around my room...I think i'm getting a cough.

Genlux also suggests we consider iZO Cleanze. The promotional shot makes it look like a few glass mason jars filled with various solid colored liquids. "This vegan, raw, and gluten-free beverage removes toxins, parasites, and heavy metlas from the body, strengthens the immune system, aids in weight loss, and beautifies the skin, hair, teeth, and nails." When I read something is vegan, raw, and gluten-free my first guess is that it will taste like a tepid piece of moldy dog shit. I assume I'm right too. BOY THAT SOLID GREEN LIQUID JAR SURE LOOKS TASTY!! I love how on their website they call it their "Signature Juice Feast!" Feast to me implies a abundant or excessive amount of food. Not solid mason jars of liquid that taste like Yak breath. Oh...did I mention a 1 day supply of "Cleanze" is 150 dollars. Celebrity testimonials abound on their website and in Genlux. Mary Kate Olsen uses this!! So does Mandy Moore!!! Yep, so basically if you are a famous woman and need lose a lot of weight in a short time before the Oscars or something only drinking liquid for 14 days is probably a good way to do it. Since I live in Los Angeles I can have this delivered to my door by 6 a.m. as well!!

I also love how all these cleanses and "flushes" and "cleaners" all tap dance around the fact that what they're really saying is that you'll be on your toilet for a few hours shooting liquid from your ass. They talk about "bowel cleanses" but the reality is always less glamorous. Cleanse is a nice way to say things. What it should say is "nightmarish stomach cramps where you think a midget somehow smuggled himself into your stomach and is now pouring battery acid inside you as you cry to Zeus almighty to stop the pain from overtaking you."

Conclusion: Poor people don't care about cleansing because they are trying to survive. If you have too much money you start trying to make your "nails look healthier" by consuming obscene amounts of organic, free range, torture free, this is not a plastic bag, juices that are delivered to your house at 150 dollars a pop. Me? I'll stick with Coke and a Double Double Animal Style.