Forget What You Think You Knew About Your 12 Year Old Self

I think I can say pretty confidently that you as a person will always think you are the coolest you ever will be in the history of your life until at a single as of yet undefined moment in your life will realize that you are no longer cool and just old. Fortunately that time has not yet come for me, but I fear that the time is drawing ever closer.

I could choose to reveal some ridiculously embarrassing moment in my life at this time but I won't. Instead I will just dance around this by stating that at a certain point in my young life I remember I was very obsessed with getting a specific brand of clothing and when I did finally get it I thought I was fucking badass. (NOTE: The brand was not JNCO's nor was it Tommy Hilfiger. But I do recall how popular Tommy Hilfiger shit got for a short period. THE TOMMY HILFIGER LOGO LOOKS STUPID AS FUCK AND PEOPLE LUSTED AFTER THEIR SHITTY TSHIRTS THAT JUST SAID A BRAND NAME ON IT!) I also got pissed when my mom would buy me jeans from a second hand store.

Two things emerge from this.

1. I was a fucking asshole.

2. I was fucking stupid.

When/If I ever have kids I know I'm going to be second hand storing the shit out of my kids wardrobe. Primarily because kids grow so fucking fast and there is no way I'm buying them 80 dollar jeans that will fit their ever growing bodies for more than 20 minutes and the fact that I'm cheap. All shopping will be done at Target. More ironically, we are now in the age or post-post-post irony and shopping and dressing like a fucking doofus is cool. It's not "second hand stores" anymore. It's vintage shopping.

I digress....the point is, I think I'm cooler than I was when I was 12, 18, 22, and so on. Now this can either be true, that I'm getting cooler as time goes on and that its simply just an upward curve on the chart of COOLNESS and that I will continue to get cool until at some point I'm not and then I get lame and old. More likely though is that somewhere here (22-30) I will certainly peak and then its downhill much more abruptly than I'd like.

Now I can transcend the downward spiral of getting lame, but that would require one of two things happening. I die in the next few years which would seal my life in a time capsule of cool and ultimately cause reflection that my life was worthy of praise. I don't want to die soon so that is not good. I could also become insanely famous and therefore prolong (Possibly until I die) my coolness. Someone like Bill Murray is certainly cool forever. Though to be fair, I feel as if Murray did in fact dip in to not so cool territory for a stretch in the mid 90's until he revitalized his career by taking on less overtly comic roles. Instead stretching his range by taking on older more world weary characters that still shared that underlying comic streak of his former years. I'd prefer fame and fortune to early death.

Being Hot Is a Full Time Job

By hot I mean sweating uncomfortably in a old brick building.

I just put "HOT" in the YouTube search and the first entry that comes up is Avril Lavigne's song 'Hot' which has over 34 million views. Approximately 104,000,000 minutes of viewing. That's over 72,000 days worth of Avril viewing. If my math that I did really quickly is correct, Avril is popular...I guess.

I've also come to the depressing realization that I'm now at that fringe age where I'll see some woman on a late night talk show or something and be like, wow, she's hot. Then google her and realize I'm actually older than her.

It's snowing out so its a perfect time for this song! Because in the video it is also cold and snowy.

AIN'T NO FUN

I've been watching the shit out of Antique Roadshow lately on PBS. I prefer the UK version if only because the reactions of the old English people are more entertaining when they hear how much that teapot that their "mum" bought after the war.

Now I've been back in Minnesota for about a month now and I have to say I am enjoying myself. This isn't a livejournal, but I think I can go on and say that even though I've been living in LA for two years, it took me about a day to get back in the Minneapolis groove. On the downside I've gained 5 pounds in about a month because all I'm doing is eating and drinking beer. Which is great, but who wants a negative body image??? I'm happy to say that the ice rinks (public) are open and I've gone in consecutive days.

Which is to say I like winter but only the first half. Although technically the Minnesota winters are about the end of November to the end of March I consider the first half of winter starting in around the middle of November until New Years Day. Hence, the first half of winter kicks ass and is great because I get to see my family, eat a lot, and then party on new years. Then the second half is devoid of fun, its super cold, and everyone wants the spring.

Lastly.

Terrence Malick + Galaxy Forming + Sun Lit Tree Canopies + Partial Period Setting = Most Anticipated Movie of Next Year

I'm Not Usually The Type

I don't usually just post pictures of what I'm eating, but fuck it, thanksgiving was awesome. There should be 3 thanksgivings a year. Space them out properly. I just really like eating and getting together in the name of family.

HAM!!!!

The holy Trinity of green bean casserole, stuffing, and corn.

And yes I busted out the NES.

It's Come to My Attention

That you can learn about porn stars on wikipedia.

The holiday season is upon us and I'm getting everyone the new Kanye album. It's that awesome. What isn't awesome is the Minnesota Vikings season. More tragic than any Bill Shakespeare. Bunk.

More posts coming soon. Too much ham.

Context Is Everything

I am obsessed with contextualizing random moments in time. I realized that this is somewhat of a problem of mine. Not a problem in the traditional sense that of what a problem is, like, "Mike has a drinking problem." It is mostly just a time suck that I fall in to when I should be in bed. Thanks to the internet one can access news archives and dredge up age old news reports, magazine articles, and basically anything else that is out there.

This goes hand in hand with a minor fascination in placing music in the context of the greater pop culture land scape. I tend to claim that I'm not a music buff. I also typically claim I am not particularly passionate when it comes to music. I don't mind listening to the radio and I guess I could describe my music listening pattern as strongly as, if its catchy than I'll probably like it.

What I do end up doing a lot of though is reading music reviews. Last night I was digging up old reviews of the U2 album War. I was also watching old concert footage of them performing songs like New Years Day. Besides the fact that New Years Day is a great song and probably my favorite U2 song, I had a good bit of fun trying to imagine how exciting it would have been to be the age I am, but listening to this album for the first time. Imagining going to the record shop and picking up this record. I tried to find a review from England or Ireland. Namely because War was the first album from U2 to do significant sales outside of those two countries (Or rather Ireland or the UK). And since this was before U2 literally was one of the biggest rock groups in the world, I think it is worth exploring the idea that Ireland was proud of this group on the basis that they were somehow representing Ireland to the world...in the way Canadians view their exported celebrities as not just famous people but vaguely as heroes.

There does end up being some bizarre conflicts within my own reality though. For example, the election of Obama in 2008 is barely a memory at all. He's only served half his term up to this point and it is really not that long ago that he was elected. Yet, the other night I spent a few hours rereading some of the election time coverage. In particular I spent time reading stories from the days right before and after the November election and a few stories from right before the inauguration. Hyperreality is the wrong word for the way I felt but I'm just going to say it anyways because I can't think of a better way of putting it. I actually remember where I was on the night of the November election. I remember feeling pleased that he was elected and there was what some would call an 'electricity' in the air.

Yet while rereading the news stories about African-Americans who never thought they'd see the day of a black president while growing up in the Jim Crow south or the first hand reporting from a reporter in Chicago somehow made my own memories feel false and even incomplete. And what I'm about to say is not a wholly original idea from my own mind, but when I re-read those stories about the 08 Election, I know how and why this was a big deal and I want to be part of it, and in a way I was, but in a much more real way, I was merely watching this event pass me by. And in a way it passes everyone by. Every moment does. And I suppose that was what these stories from the election are for. They help contextualize what is going on in an election, and put some perspective on the entire event.

This is why I enjoy history so much. I was a history major in college. 1968 was one of the craziest years in world history. And I'd imagine if you were a striker/protester in 1968 in France as a young man or woman it was an exciting and daring time. Or for a more familiar concept, lets say I was a young college student in the United States. I attended UC-Berkley and I was the stereotypical student who protested the war in Vietnam. And in retrospect if you were still alive today, I would guess that I would probably look back at that time and think that maybe I was naive but I was part of something bigger and that it was a whirlwind time where the country truly felt like it could be torn apart...or maybe not. But these notions hold more sway as you get further from them and they can be written about and dramatized until the only real feelings are fleeting nostalgic memories that are probably half false. Which is probably why photographs are so powerful since they capture fleeting moments but freeze them forever.

This is also probably why Vietnam to me is now nothing more than a few movie montages like this:

COMPLETELY REAL ALIEN ATTACK!!

Yeah. The truth is out there.

Interesting

Milli Vanilli

I think I've written about Milli Vanilli before. With that in mind I think one thing that is completely under appreciated about Milli Vanilli, is how if a group was caught today in the same fashion that Vanilli was a couple decades ago, it would be madness.

The rise of the gossip blog, increased coverage of every facet of pop culture, and overall media saturation of such an event would be insane. The fact that they won a Grammy for Best New Artist is the cherry on the top of the insanity of the situation. The VH1 'Behind the Music' episode did a very good job of encapsulating how crazy and simultaneously terrible this story was. In another really fucking weird twist is that several lawsuits were brought forward and it was ultimately decided that anyone who purchased Vanilli concert tickets or albums would be eligible for some sort of monetary refund. The entire situation is kind of hilarious in a weird way. Although the legal grounds for such a lawsuit puzzle me. I suppose the people who went to a concert were being defrauded because they weren't actually being performed for, but in a way they were. Was the entertainment that night any less real for the concert goers? It's a similar argument when people talk about steroid use in baseball. You can't ignore that these games took place when people were taking steroids, so to act as though they never occurred is a bit disingenuous.

Yes Fab and Rob were partially to blame for being complicit in the lie, but the fallout of the entire incident was clearly heaped on them. This of course ignores everyone within the recording industry ladder that was complicit in the lie. Ultimately Rob Pilatus, one half of Milli Vanilli ended up killing himself in what was labeled an accidental overdose.

The First Brilliant Use of 3D

The reality of the situation is that Jackass 3D is the first time that I was genuinely excited that a film was going to be in 3D and I knew I wanted to see it. I'll admit. I still haven't seen Avatar. No, I'm not one of those assholes who purposely avoids things because they've now gotten "too cool 4 school." I just have no desire to. The only 3D movie I've seen in theaters up to this point is Toy Story 3. A film which benefited a bit from the 3D format by using it as a way to layer scenes intelligently, but one that I felt in the end did not need 3D.

There has been some online debate over the merits of Jackass. It's humble origins within the Big Brother magazine. The merging of many great minds. The bottom line is by the time it hit MTV and morphed in to cultural phenomenon, it clearly struck a deep chord. The critical voices would have you believe that this is lowest common denominator television/films. It is at its core the very empty vapid idiot programming that in turn spawns legions of slack jawed morons who will imitate and glorify such stunts.

I strongly disagree. The difference between a program/movie like Jackass and a show like The Real Housewives of New Jersey or a movie like Date Movie, is at the very least Jackass 3D is done without any pretension. If you look beyond the launching of dildos from a cannon or eruptions of fecal matter on the screen, you see people having fun. Masochistic fun, but fun none the less. Jon Stewart described it as in his interview with Johnny Knoxville as, "masochistic vaudeville."

I consider myself a vaguely intelligent person and it actually insults me when people feel that a film like this is offensive because anyone could do this. Anyone couldn't do this, or they would. What the Jackass series has proven is that the very base human emotions and reactions of fear, pain, laughter, and danger are something that excite us. Has Jackass 3D elevated these base feelings to great art? I say yes.

Quatum Quandry

I'm watching an episode of Quantum Leap in which Sam leaps into all-American college jock Knut "Wild Thing" Wileton who must prevent anti-war protests from turning violent and resulting in the destruction of the science block while a student is inside, thus ruining the life of a young woman opposed to the war.

Exciting shit right?

Well in a key scene of revelation, Sam is arguing with a very dickish and radical anti-war protester that ultimately violence is not the answer. He then blurts out that his brother died in Vietnam. Sam's brother died in Vietnam. Did Knut's brother? Does he even have a brother?

So according to wikipedia its stated that when Sam jumps in to someone he physically replaces the body of whoever he leaps in to, but to everyone else it is still that person because of some physical aura bullshit. Hence, when Sam leaps in to a boy he still has the strength of a man. It is also implied that then some of his experiences that Sam participates in while the actual person is not really there are then remembered by the original person once Sam leaps out.

With that in mind, I'd still like to see an aftermath of post leaping. Sam leaps in to a strongly conservative person in a conservative town, completely changes the towns views, becomes hated by some because he is very liberal, then leaps out. The original person leaps back in and now he is wondering what the fuck happened.

In conclusion, Quantum Leap is good...I think.

Secrets

'A Movie Script Ending' is the best Death Cab song.



Nostalgia is a powerful feeling. The truth is you can never go back home. The first time is the most magical. I'm not sure about you, but the emotions that get wrapped up in a holiday like Christmas are always much more idealized than the reality of the situation. Which as my humanities teacher said, "you can only get lost once." Which to explicitly state, you can only get lost in a city once. Enjoy it, because the adventure to find whatever you're looking for is only possible once. Then it all becomes familiar.

On the other hand, nostalgia is false. Things are never as good as you think they were.

Not Good

The Twins that is. They suck. 162 games all for naught.

I've always wondered how you become a writer for a magazine like Esquire or Vanity Fair. Magazines like those often have very good articles about a wide variety of things. The war in Iraq, the guy who 'beat' The Price is Right, inside the mind of Bill Gates, and much much more. I know they take freelance submissions in some form or another, but I doubt I could write something and just mail it to them and hope they publish it.

It does seem like most articles even when they're done by different authors have a weird rhythm to them. You'll get an opening paragraph like this:

As I pulled up to Robert Sanders home I was struck by how absolutely normal it appeared. A white picket fence and a small sunflower garden in the front yard. Was this Mayberry? Where was the paper boy riding his one speed bike down the street tossing papers on to perfectly manicured yards? This row of beautiful suburban houses masked the danger and immediacy that a man like Robert Sanders could bring to his environment.

You also get great closing paragraphs and lines.

It's almost November now. Orange and red colors that dotted the trees are gone now. Brown leaves sit on the yard that was once perfectly manicured. A slight drizzle begins and the sounds of crunching leaves is replaced by a light patter against the windows. You would not know it if you looked now, but Robert Sanders still has a dream. He holds it in his heart and his mind. Against the shortening days, the memories from a lifetime ago fade like another season.


All my hopes and dreams have been transferred on to the Vikings this year. I'm expecting a heart wrenching disaster that will shatter me once again. It's fun to be a sports fan.

Much Like Kenny Powers

RANDY MOSS IS BACK!

I Watch SNL

I still watch this show despite the fact that everyone in America hates the show now and if you say you like it you will be immediately met with a line similar to, "Yeah I liked the show better when it had X, Y, and Z on the cast" or "It hasn't been good since (insert decade)."

I will first say I have the utmost respect for both the performers and writers, but I think there are a lot of things that could be better.

1. No more political cold opens ever. Unless it comes out that Obama was smoking weed and driving drunk and seeing a prostitute on the side, there is no need to have a political open every week. Especially when the premise is as hilarious as, Obama wants to pass a bill but can't because the country is locked up in bipartisan politics!

There was a time when SNL was essentially the only outlet for up to the minute political comedy/commentary. Let's not kid ourselves. The Daily Show and Colbert now offer much more timely and scathing political comedy.

I get the feeling that this is the last year of Armisen's tenure and with it will go his Obama impersonation. I will not be holding a memorial. He gets the cadence and mannerisms in general of Obama but he has really brought very little comedically to Obama. To be fair Obama is still a hard nut to crack but I think its time for a new Obama aka Jay Pharoah.

2. A stronger push for genuine variety. Nearly every sketch in the last few years has been one of three variations. A television/game show, a political based sketch, a reoccurring character sketch.

There really appears to be a strong fear of going even remotely esoteric when approaching the sketches. I've heard a variety of times that some very absurdist and esoteric sketches have run in the dress rehearsals and then get cut (which usually lies on Lorne). The only problem is when I've heard about this happening, a sketch like 'The Kissing Family' in which can be a seven minute sketch where the punch line is that everyone tongue kisses everyone with one guest coming over being freaked out.

I also find that its getting harder and harder to defend the writing when they keep dropping Kristen Wiig in sketches that she has to carry by being a weirdo. She is genuinely good in everything that I've seen of her outside of SNL. She's probably the most talented person on the cast right now, but she's getting pushed in to a reoccuring character funk. Stop making her the woman with one really weird social tick or a funny voice.

Dinner

In the ultimate sign of lazy behavior, I had two baked potatoes and cottage cheese for dinner. Pretty pitiful.

But I have to give it up to the Irish. They get a lot more credit than they deserve, but the potato that I know is the one that crossed from the new world back to Europe. A good baked potato is (forgive me for my awful food descriptions) somewhat fibrous in texture but ultimately soft. Depending on how you handle the exterior of the potato you can get different results. I prefer mine crisp and flaky. As I was saying though, the Irish were on to something. Two potatoes filled me up something proper.

I saw Starship Troopers tonight in the theater with the director Paul Verhoeven. For those not familiar, he has directed films such as Robocop, Total Recall, Basic Instinct, Flesh and Blood, Showgirls, and Hollow Man. There was a question and answer portion after the film and it revealed something that I always wanted to know about Paul Verhoeven. It isn't some fluke coincidence that there is usually nudity in his films and it focuses on womens breasts. He just likes looking at them! Stunner.

Finally, I'm waiting on a call for a job that I interviewed with. If i get it tomorrow I will celebrate. If I don't get it tomorrow I will sulk. The end game will be the same though. DRINKING

We Like It Here

I was in Minnesota for a week. I got to go to the State Fair. The Great Minnesota Get-Together. Whatever you want to call it, it was clear to me that it is pure Americana. Sprung forth from the agrarian past, it now is a massing of people to enjoy whatever it means to be a Minnesotan. Namely, eating a lot and probably looking at a few farm animals and some seed art.

But the reason I was back was because my grandmother passed away. It was a long time coming. I had some forewarning. She had been suffering from Alzheimer's for some time. With that in mind you never know how you'll react. I'm writing this back in California. In the place she made home decades ago. Moving from Minnesota to California at that time must have been crazy. Rural Minnesota to Los Angeles post World War II would be quite the jump, just as rural Minnesota to Los Angeles would be today. What I do know though is that Minnesota is my home. It was her home. It always feels good to go back. And now she is home.

That's It, It's Fucking Over

I'm here to announce the official time of death of 'MAKING FUN OF ICP (INSANE CLOWN POSSE), THEIR FANBASE, AND FAYGO." The official time of death is right fucking now.

For years I watched with bizarre horror and amusement as ICP moved their way through the seams of popular culture. From making a bizarre western film to the now internet famous 'magnets' video to the most recent Tila Tequila attack at the Gathering of the Juggalos. At this point though its pretty fucking blown out. Nathan Rabin of The Onion's A.V. Club was even in attendance for "THE GATHERING" for research on a book he is writing. ICP has hit their cultural peak.

I'll be honest and say I was only vaguely aware of their existence for many years. Around 2002 I watched a PBS Frontline documentary entitled 'The Merchants of Cool' which basically broke down how companies create and control what young people and not so young people view as cool and how even rebellion is merely a careful marketing ploy. In this documentary they do talk briefly about ICP and how they have created a legitimate ground swell of support.

To quote Violent J:

Everybody that likes our music feels a super connection. That's why all those juggaloes here, they feel so connected to it because it's- it's exclusively theirs. See, when something's on the radio, it's for everybody, you know what I mean? It's everybody's song. "Oh, this is my song." That ain't your song. It's on the radio. It's everybody's song. But to listen to ICP, you feel like you're the only one that knows about it.

Anyhow, ICP is simply an easy target but by targeting them for mockery it merely reinforces to the existing fan base that everyone else sucks....or something. My point is, if I even have a point is that somewhere post 'Magnets' video a lot more people took notice of ICP. More ironic statements of intent to attend 'The Gathering' appeared.

I'm not the Czar of Popular Culture so I'm not trying to say "STOP MAKING FUN OF THEM," nor am I suggesting that I will stop doing so. At this point though it seems like we as a collective society have hit the tipping point of ICP bashing.

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

Steven Slater Has my Respect

By now you have probably heard of him. If you haven't then you aren't on the internet enough. I'll offer an extremely brief summary. Steven Slater, 38 years old was a flight attendant. After getting in an argument with a passenger who was trying to access the overhead bin before they came to a complete stop on the tarmac, Slater finally hit his breaking point and yelled some brief statements over the intercom. He grabbed a beer before he deployed the emergency chute slide and slid out and drove home.

I respect him because once again I was flying and once again humanity proved how fucking stupid it is. At this point being a flight attendant is a thankless job. No one ever listens to them and it pisses me off. "Please power down all electronic devices while we take off/land." This isn't that hard of an instruction to follow. You don't have to be on your laptop, ipod, iphone, blackberry, ipad, or whatever every waking minute. Guess what douchebag, when they ask everyone that doesn't mean everyone BUT you. But there you go again. I was sitting next to a dude who was like that on one leg of my trip. Just listen to them and do what they tell you to. It isn't fucking hard.

Then you have the morons who don't fucking stow the second bag they brought on as a carry on under their seat. I love that you put your roll on bag and your purse up top so now I can't throw my shit up above my seat and instead have to place it at the end of the plane.

I hate the people who request something right away. Just fucking wait 20 minutes before you start asking someone for a diet coke.

Fuck you dude who starts rolling his eyes once the baby on board starts crying as we take off.

My flight back to Los Angeles had on particular lady though who is clearly a genius. We've been sitting in our seats for around 15 or so minutes. They have finally sealed the doors and are preparing to take off. We have to taxi a bit to our appropriate lane so we can finally take off and right as the pilots announce over the PA, "Flight attendants prepare for take off." THAT IS THE MOMENT YOU DECIDE TO STAND UP TO RETRIEVE SOMETHING OUT OF THE OVERHEAD BIN?!?! You are dumb. Immediately a stewardess jumps on the PA and announces, "Mam you have to sit down we cannot take off with you standing." She doesn't even react as she rummages through her purse. She has a kid that was sitting on her lap too so when she stood up the kid was just chilling in the aisle. If the pilots had gunned it right as she was doing this she definitely would have fallen on her dumbass face and probably crushed her kid.

She decides to create a sequel of this event as we land. Immediately upon landing she decides to stand up and start taking her shit from the overhead bin even though we literally just landed and are still taxiing. She ignored the announcement evidently about having to stay in your seat until we come to a complete stop.


The reality of the world is people have ridiculously unrealistic expectations when it comes to customer service. Airplanes and restaurants probably have it the worst in those expectations. Now I am all for good service and it makes me happy when I am treated particularly well. But it certainly annoys me when people act extremely indignant about the fact that they aren't getting refills fast enough at Applebee's or some dumb shit like that. There is a kernel of truth in you get what you pay for. If you're going to a greasy spoon or something don't get bent out of shape if they aren't dropping rose petals on the floors that you walk on.

Ultimately I just hate most people because unlike MY AWESOME PERFECT SELF, most people are assholes who don't treat people with a modicum or respect.

The Return of My Obsession with Sports Montages

On Suggestion: The Ultimate Mix Tape

Is it possible? A question put forth by one Extreme Ash (dot blogspot dot com). I think it is. I'm going to try. There are a few possible mixes and obviously its going to be missing some obvious songs. Please speak up if you think I'm a moron. I'll point out that I'm limiting the playlists due to the obvious issue of running them far too long.

Ultimate Road Trip Mix Tape

A road trip mix tape has to have the appropriate mix of fun driving songs and more mellow lower tempo/key songs. The reason for this is because a road trip is long and boring. The initial excitement of a cross country road trip wears off within hours. There will be gaps of silence while everyone admires the flat endless view of Nebraska. You need highs and lows.

1. Bloc Party - Like Eating Glass (Up Tempo and optimistic. A great way to start off.)
2. The Cardigans - My Favourite Game (I Dare you Not to speed during this song.)
3. The Killers - For Reasons Unknown (Bonus points if you are driving to Las Vegas. In fact, if you're going to Vegas just play The Killers entire discography.)
4. MGMT - Future Reflections & Kids
5. The Strokes - Reptilia
6. Coldplay - Talk (This is a good song!)
7. Wax - California (Bonus points if you're driving to California)
8. Stone Temple Pilots - Interstate Love Song (Come on...this was a shoe in.)
9. The Von Bondies - C'mon C'mon (Again, you will speed when this song is on.)
10. The Walkmen - The Rat
11. Tears for Fears - Everybody Wants to Rule the World
12. Weezer - Say It Ain't So (Everyone in the car must sing along to this)
13. The Hold Steady - Stay Positive
14. The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
15. The Foo Fighters - Everlong
16. The White Stripes - Fell in Love with a Girl
17. Weezer - Island in the Sun (Good Driving Song)
18. Jack Penate - Pull My Heart Away
19. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Mary Jane's Last Dance
20. The Who - Baba O'Riley
21. Duran Duran - Ordinary World
22. Death Cab for Cutie - The Sound of Settling
23. The Beastie Boys - No Sleep Til Brooklyn
24. Arcade Fire - No Cars Go
25. Dr. Dre - Still D.R.E.

I forced myself to stop at 25 or this list would go on for a long time.

Ultimate Trying to Get the Chick You Like To Think You're Cool Mix Tape (Low Key Edition)

Coming Soon

The Rumors of My Death Are True

Commercials advertising the "Great Minnesota Get Together" have been going on a lot which reminds me of all the cheese curds and corn on the cob I will NOT be eating. A truly depressing state of affairs.

Of course while I'm out of Los Angeles Comedy Death Ray gets blown up with guest appearances like Louis CK and Zach Galifianakis.

It was pointed out today that I'm a weirdo when it comes to music. I've even written about this previously. Today marks the first time someone has pointed this out as, perhaps, a bit strange. That being the fact that I will sometimes listen to a song, find a small bit of the song that I like, jump it back repeatedly to listen to a small passage in the song, and then probably move on to another song.

In today's instance it would be Third Eye Blind's - How's It Going to Be. The lyric run from 2:30-2:42. You also get awesome youtube comments like SOLIDEAGLE86 saying, "second to bohemian rhapsody, this is the greatest song ever." I'll respectfully disagree. This is obviously the greatest song ever.



But enough about Third Eye Blind. Let's talk Collective Soul. A band I never much cared for but the song 'Run' was a pretty popular song. The reason I remember it though is because of its inclusion in the film Varsity Blues. It plays over the closing credits. I'll go ahead and say that Varsity Blues is awesome and if you disagree you are wrong.



This is not some thinly veiled attempt at irony. I like Varsity Blues.

The Bitch Is Back

The bitch in question would be myself. I'm back in Minnesota for a week. Going to a wedding tomorrow which should be fun. As cliched as it is to complain about places that aren't your home, I'm going to do it anyways. Minnesota is pretty awesome and being in the Twin Cities again is fun.

Los Angeles has a lot of cool stuff to do but there are a few things sticking out as I hit the streets of Minneapolis and St. Paul. First of all, things are a lot more green here. Green trees, green grass (that doesn't need to be watered every day), big clouds, and humid air. I don't like the humidity but whatever. Way more people on bikes around these parts. I guess that isn't such a shock as Los Angeles is quite the driving city. I'd like to point out I'm not some hippy dippy 'WE MUST BIKE TO SAVE MOTHER GAIA' person, but there are a lot of bikes on the road.

Lastly its just more 'CHILL' than Los Angeles. If I have kids, I'm raising them here.

With that said, I'll leave you with this video which is surprisingly well done. It is a recreation of The Soprano's intro except instead of New York/New Jersey you get to see the Twin Cities. I like it.

Not in Shape

I'm not in shape. Nor am I completely out of shape though either. I'm merely "SHAPE." Which is kind of annoying. I mean you get perks for being in super good shape and having a flat stomach and then if you're fat you get to be fat and its like, we get it, you have a huge gut and can eat a lot.

But me? I'm just kind of there floating in the ether. If I were to take off my shirt at the beach I'm not going to turn heads no matter what. It's just like, "That guy looks soft."

In any event I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to the conclusion that life in general is bullshit. Not quite the shocking revelation that you might have expected but what do you want?

I was at a Barnes and Noble the other day and there was this woman. Late 50's or so if I had to wager and she had a stack of 'How To' guides and books about how to fill out a good resume. She had a yellow legal pad and was taking notes or writing down something at the table she was working at. I got sad. This woman is nearing AARP eligibility at this point and she appeared to be trying to grind out a resume so she could be working. Of course I'm imposing all these ideas. Here she is though, in the twilight of her life, and she probably needs to get a job because whatever type of government assistance isn't going to be enough to survive....or maybe she just wants a job to stay busy.

Then I'm riding the bus home and it's late. Nearly one in the morning. Homeless old black guy sleeping on the bus. Which because I watch a lot of movies reminds me of a little exchange from the briliant Coppola film 'The Conversation'.

[about a bum on a park bench]
Ann: Every time I see one of those old guys, I always think the same thing.
Mark: What do you think?
Ann: I always think that he was once somebody's baby boy.

Somehow I doubt this guys family had this in mind for him when he grew up. Who knows why he is homeless. What I started thinking about was the years of oppression that African Americans faced. How the diaspora from the south occurred following the Civil War. How great African American communities sprouted in cities like New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles. Why was he here? Lot's of fun stuff to think about when you're riding the bus in the middle of the night.

Also, go see Inception!!!

Albums Part 2

In the second installment of information that you probably don't care about, we get a bit less mellow this time around.

Bloc Party - Silent Alarm [Stand Out Songs: Like Eating Glass, Banquet]

What can you really say about this album? It's pretty fucking awesome and catchy. Not a lot of heavy songs and its pretty high energy. I probably listened to this 1000 times as I biked over the Washington Ave. Bridge. Like Eating Glass was a song that I distinctly recall listening as part of 'ON THE GO' playlist. Good song to kick off the day as you're leaving to class in the morning. Fun times.

The Killers - Hot Fuss & Sam's Town [Stand Out Songs: Somebody Told Me, All The Things That I've Done, On Top/Sam's Town, For Reasons Unknown, Uncle Johnny]

What can you say about The Killers that hasn't already been said. In a few short years they've accumulated a large number of detractors per album but they venture forth. Insert some sort of stupid phrase regarding Hot Fuss like, "IT'S SYNTH INFUSED FUN NEVER TAKES ITSELF TOO SERIOUSLY." Both of these albums grew on me slowly. Obviously if you listened to radio at all around Hot Fuss's release you were surrounded by the songs...and Mr. Brightside absolutely dominated the charts and was every fucking place. I will say that For Reasons Unknown is probably in the top 10 for best road trip songs.

Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam [Notable Songs: World Wide Suicide, Life Wasted]

I remember really enjoying this album yet I know for a fact I didn't listen to it as much as I probably think I did. What was refreshing was that to me, Pearl Jam is simply Pearl Jam. They do their thing and is one of the few remaining 'ROCK BANDS' that fits in to a simple rock band paradigm. Not much of any pretentiousness and just a good band to rock out to. (SEE ALSO: The Foo Fighters)

Band of Horses - Everything All the Time [Notable Songs: The First Song, Wicked Gil, The Funeral]

Short indie rock album that totally blew my mind. I could just say that the entire album was 'NOTABLE SONGS' because its one of the few albums I can listen to from start to finish without getting annoyed and skipping a track or two. It helps that its a pretty short album, but its just too damn catchy for its own good. Good pacing...not too hippy dippy mellow but not over the top. Good highs and lows. What I'm saying is you can fall asleep to this album but you could also fuel a road trip with it.

Notable Songs [I wasn't always enamored with full albums. Here are some songs that I played a lot but never really delved full on to the rest of the catalog.]

The White Stripes - Icky Thump

The song kicks ass. That's all the expounding I have to do for this one.

Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folks

I think I've written about this cut before so lets just say that this song is ridiculously catchy but underneath its massively appealing beat/whistle is a song with some heart. It also proves that the Swedes are unstoppable in the pop music realm.

Every Rap Song Released - Various

Yeah its cliched but I like my rap songs like I like my caffeine. Super powerful single unit doses. I'm not going to pretend like I have some super in depth view of the larger rap world, but I can say that I embrace the songs and they can make some catchy ass tunes. There is nothing worse than going to Pitchfork and reading a rap review though. It is beyond annoying.

It basically goes something like:

1. If they are reviewing a classic or re-released rap album expect an absurdly good review. N.W.A. rerelease? Okay you get some fawning article.

2. New rap album by someone who has probably worn out their welcome (See: Eminem), get a review that questions their motives and is in 2000 words described as tired.

3. Fawning praise to an album by hipster approved rapper = Mos Def

Chipmunks in Low Places

The power of the internet is frightening. I am reminded of Achy Breaky Heart via a post on Facebook. I decide to read the wikipedia page for Achy Breaky Heart which leads me to the wikipedia page for 'Chipmunks in Low Places' which is a Chipmunks country record that clearly riffs on Garth Brooks own 'Friends in Low Places'. Ironically there are no covers of Garth Brooks songs. This leads me to also suggest you read the chapter 'The Passion of the Garth' from Chuck Klosterman's book Eating the Dinosaur. You will learn things about Mr. Brooks that you never knew. He goes in depth on the Chris Gaines saga.

Which leads me to my next thought. Who would buy a Chipmunks album and why? The novelty would run out after one playing. Although the idea of buying the album SOLID GOLD CHIPMUNKS or The Chipmunks Rock the House is intriguing.

Albums That Defined My Life [College Edition]

While most of us like to think that we have great musical tastes, the reality is the songs we listen to the most are the ones that manage to (pardon the pun) strike the right chord with us. I'm no expert, I just pretend to be one.

Years: 2004-2008

During this stretch I'm in college. While we are always trying to project who we want to be, maybe this music says more about who I really am? Maybe. All I know is after a few minutes of thinking hard, these are without a doubt the albums I played the most through my four years of college. And there are a few tracks that whenever I hear them I can't help but think about those crazy days of eating Chipotle, drinking, playing videogames, and being afraid of women (THE JOKE IS THAT MY LIFE HAS NOT CHANGED ONE BIT FROM COLLEGE!!). Seriously though, a few songs off these albums definitely trigger very specific college related memories which I'll do my best to highlight if I can think of something good to say. These were the albums and songs that soundtracked my college experience.

Brand New - Deja Entendu [Stand Out Songs: Guernica, The Quiet Things that No One Ever Knows, I Will Play My Game Beneath The Spin Light]

A solid album that I would end up listening to at random intervals throughout the many years. Not only does this remind me of my favorite NHL game (NHL 04) because it has the song The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows on its soundtrack but I have to give props to my buddies Dan and Pat for introducing me to the full album. Good times. Guernica sticks out to me as just a reminder of late night Perkins.

Death Cab For Cutie - Transatlanticism [Stand Out Songs: The Sound of Settling, Tiny Vessels]

Somehow I claim to not really care one way or another about Death Cab but not only is this album probably my most played in college, but I'll end up giving another shoutout here in a minute to Gibbard's side project The Postal Service. Tiny Vessels ends up being my favorite song for two reasons. A shout out to Silver Lake (and the California Sun) which made me nostalgic for times spent in California visiting family and for a reminder of some sort of my uncle (who lived in California all his life) who passed away my freshman year. Probably the saddest moment in my life thus far. Very melancholy tune for the most part and it manages to kick in some weird memories of those shitty wet fall days waling across campus. It's raining, probably in the high 40's, brown and orange leaves on the ground, and I can see my breath. Probably sitting around waiting for a class to start. That kind of weather is something I miss.

The first 1:15 of Tiny Vessels is something I could listen to on loop from here to eternity.

The Postal Service - Give Up [Stand Out Songs: Such Great Heights, Brand New Colony]

Brand New Colony might be in my top 5 songs of the decade. Weirdly awesome and is something I can always relisten to. Whoever I marry I will force it to be 'OUR SONG' or something like that. The last 1:56 of the song once again levels down some awesome melancholy feelings. This more on the line of winter, snow, and waiting for that bus to take me home. Riding the 6 (I think that was the line) when its 10 degrees out. I won't call the song haunting, but it gets damn near to that level.


Part 2 Coming Later & with a lot less sappy stuff!

I'm about to zonk out because its 3:15 in the AM.

iPhone Conspiracy

I'm convinced that OS updates for the iPhone intentionally fuck with how good my phone operates. I'm getting the iphone 4 when the white phones become available because it is way better looking than the black this time around. That said, since I've updated my iPhone 3G to the iOS4 it's been chugging harder than a broken down mule. It freezes a lot more, it crashes out of certain apps, and if I try to switch over to a text message if anything else is going on in the background the phone generally gets grumpy as fuck and quits on me.

Is this because the new OS is adding features to the phone? Yes! But lets be clear here, Apple does not give a fuck about its user base that uses older software or hardware. Their general "don't give a fuck" attitude serves them well a lot of the time but on occasion it really sucks. With this in mind, I am a slave to APPLE but I still wanted to complain.

Today I went to Pink's Hot Dogs which is somewhat of a staple out here. One of those food landmarks that everyone should eventually go to. Did it live up to the hype? I don't know. It was good and pretty cheap. I got a spicy polish dog and chili cheese fries. I don't have a lot of hot dog expertise so I can't say if this was amazing or run of the mill. I'm just glad I went on Wednesday in the afternoon so I didn't have to fight a line that takes an hour.

Lastly, I saw Toy Story 3. It is the best movie of the year thus far.

Actually...after re-reading this. This post sucked. Sorry. I'll be better next time.

Totally True Story

I was at the bar yesterday enjoying myself. It was Sunday. I was hoping for a peaceful drink or two followed by some introspection while I listen to some tunes on the jukebox. Lets make one thing clear. I don't mind chatting to people at the bar, but we all know that there are the dudes and on occasion dudettes who are too fucking loud, too annoying, and have no social tact.

Well the mother fucking guy looked like Branscombe Richmond but a lot more haggard. If it was really you Branscombe I apologize. Either way I'm chilling and I'm talking with the bartender and he goes on to comment about how I'm a funny guy. Then he indicates that while I'm funny the difference between myself and himself is that I would freeze up if I was demanded to be funny but he wouldn't because he is a performer...or something. Later he would talk about how he went to high school with Paris Hilton's mom and how she was a total bitch at their high school reunion. Even later he would engage with a few people on why Goldman Sach's was a piece of shit and started engaging in politics. It was exciting.

He was wearing cowboy boots too and had a big gold nose ring like a pirate. Another day, another dollar.

Manute Bol is Dead

Allegedly, Charles Barkley has told a story about how Manute Bol tied his own penis in to a knot in the locker room.

FO GET WUT U HERRRDDD

If you don't like Gordon Ramsay you suck. In danger of sounding snobbish, the shows he has that air over in the UK on Channel 4 are so much better than the ones that air here on Fox. Kitchen Nightmares and The F Word are two of my favorite shows.

The US version of Kitchen Nightmares is garbage. It's overproduced with a lame voice over. In the US version they help redo the restaurant by typically completely remodeling the restaurants (on the shows dime, not the owners) and install new equipment. In the UK version its a much simpler less stripped down version. It's got that English refinement you'd come to expect from something like an Aston Martin.

It's more than Ramsay yelling at people. He tears them down in the grand tradition of a drill sergeant and then rebuilds them. He cares. He just happens to swear. I suggest you check out some of the episodes on youtube. They're there. Fun times.

Although I admit I'll watch Hell's Kitchen in a terrible sort of way.

Celtics vs. Lakers

I write this moments before game seven is about to start. I'd like to first say that I'm completely indifferent on who wins this game. The closest thing that I have to a personal connection to either team is that the Los Angeles Lakers were once the Minneapolis Lakers and that Kevin Garnett was once on the T-Wolves. I was happy to see KG win a title with Boston, but at this point I don't really care.

I would like to reach out with an olive branch of peace to all the Laker fans out there. They get an undeserved rap as being front runners, fair weather, and being non-passionate/knowledgeable. Like any good franchise that has a gigantic history of winning, the fans are demanding. When they complain about not winning the title, one has to put it in to the context that they are used to winning a lot more. Does this mean they're obnoxious and I don't like them? Yes. But it certainly makes some sense. They're like the Yankees. They are expected to win, so if they lose out in the first round of the playoffs fans are going to be disappointed. As opposed to say, the Detroit Lions and their fans...where if they have a winning record this coming year it would be cause for celebration.

Really when it comes down to it, I don't really find the Celtics all that likable either. Prior to the 'big three' trade, Boston fans were going ape shit about how bad they were. They were openly rooting for them to tank so they could get the first overall pick in the draft lottery and when that didn't happen people were pissed. Then they lucked in to the current line up they have now, won a title, and the bandwagon was back on track. Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with the teams with bandwagons. A successful team will attract new fans. That is how things work. I just get annoyed since in the last 10 years the New England sports area has had nearly unparalleled success. So their fans bitching about anything is annoying. In the Bruins, Celtics, and Red Sox they have some of the most historically storied franchises of all time. With the Patriots, they've had insane success lately as well. Cry me a river that one of your sports teams isn't winning a title every year.

My policy is that if you're a team that is within 250 miles of the Atlantic Ocean, Pacific Ocean, or the southern border of the United states, I probably hate your team a lot.

Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting

At least according to Elton John. Although its hard to imagine John going out on the town, getting drunk, and then thinking "Hey, I want to kick someones ass!" Saturday night is also a good night to stay in and blog....right? Being broke and tired has that effect on me.

Riding my bike on the beaches of Santa Monica today and who do I see but one Kate Beckinsale (along with her family) as the prepared for a little bike ride. No, I didn't say anything to them nor did I try to get a photo. What I did recognize is that I'm a revoltingly ugly troll compared to her. I know we're not comparing my male beauty to her female beauty, but on a sliding scale from horrible burn victim up to Greek god or goddess, I fall somewhat further down the sliding scale where as she is pretty high up on the goddess factor. Sure, it might have to do with the fact that she is a highly paid actress who when not acting can work out all the time and eat extremely healthy because she probably has someone monitoring her diet to some degree, but none the less the chasm of beauty is at an all time high.

Speaking of Saturday, another Saturday Night Live Season has ended. This ain't YO DADDIES SNL. By that I mean it was neither a spectacular season nor was it a horrific season. Of course the usual refrain is that SNL sucks or is slipping when in fact, that is always the accusation of a long running television show. If you go back and look at the news group postings about The Simpsons nerds were flipping their shit as early as Season 3 saying, "It's just not as good as it used to be." If only they knew how far things would go.

Anyhow, SNL is always allegedly bad. With time we can look back and look and see where it was legitimately bad and struggling but I think that you have a lot of strong performers in the cast right now. The biggest issue that springs to my mind is that the constant Obama/Political cold opens have to stop. For one thing, they're typically not that compelling. Say something, be controversial, call Obama a piece of shit or something. A seven minute cold open with Obama addressing the country and vaguely pokes fun at himself is about as fun as watching the real Obama address the country. There was a time when SNL was essentially the only bastion of political satire that would reach huge audiences. That time is obviously over. From the endless line of blogs, pop culture websites, and fake news (Colbert, Stewart) SNL fights a losing battle for the most part. They cannot be as timely nor are they usually as incisive. Although they can still be massively culturally relevant. One has to look no further than Tina Fey's Sarah Palin. I knew that shit was huge when my dad of all people mentioned it to me in a phone conversation. I think this is the first time my dad has ever even mentioned SNL or anything comedy related so I knew it was big.

So please Saturday Night Live, move away from the constant political cold opens. Also, do not fire/cut any of the current female cast.

Least Liked Women in History

In No Particular Order:

1. Marie Antoinette - Although she never actually said it, often attributed with the statement, "LET THEM EAT CAKE." Which I do. I eat cake.

2. Yoko Ono - Blamed for ruining The Beatles and dredging up the fact that yes, she was married to John Lenno.

3. Madame Ngo Dinh Nhu - First Lady of South Vietnam from 1955-1963. Well known as a world class bitch. Referred to Thích Quảng Đức (the Buddhist monk who famously lit himself ablaze) immolation as a "barbecue" and stated, "Let them burn and we shall clap our hands."

4. Mother Theresa - Total bitch

5. Hera - Her husband Zeus has a lot of kids with other women mortal and immortal. When Heracles is born the logical thing is to send two snakes at the young baby and have him killed. That failed.

Who Wins in Nostalgic Song War?

America's - Sister Golden Hair vs. Seals and Crofts - Summer Breeze ???

Both are powerful songs that are clearly indicative of their time and place and also manage to evoke a sense of nostalgia. Does it get any more cornball/awesome than the line 'blowing through the jasmine in my mind'???





LET AMERICA DECIDE!!!

Highly Directed Advertisments

We all use the internet. If you're reading this you're definitely using the internet. My favorite thing about online advertisements are the ones that use your IP address to figure out where you live. That way instead of saying "Meet Sexy Singles" it says "Meet Sexy Singles in Santa Monica!" Or, "Santa Monica - Mom loses 46 pounds following 1 simple rule."

Are we to believe that people actually feel more compelled to click on that bullshit because, holy cow, that mom lives where I live!? Actually, scratch that, I know it works because people still fall for the Nigerian Prince crap all the time.

I would also like to take this time to point out that the hysteria over the KFC DoubleDown has been way overblown and verges on Obama Birther levels of stupidity. It's a sandwich that instead of bread uses chicken! Often times buns on fast food sandwiches are have absurd levels of sugar and carbs in the overly processed white bread buns. Hundreds of calories for two pieces of bread. I'm actually going to try to the double down later today so maybe my arteries will instantly harden as my blood turns gelatinous but it seems unlikely. Anyone who drinks a lot of beer...GASP....is probably worse off than someone who eats 1 freaking double down.

It's the weekend though so go out and enjoy it.

This is Funny

Really FUNNY

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It is earth day. Today we celebrate our mother gaia who provides all we need as we nestle in her bosom.

Honestly though, who really cares about this so called "EARTH?" What we're all really wondering is when will television remake Bosom Buddies for the 21st century? Originally starring Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari this hilarious romp of a sitcom was about two guys who were kicked out of their old apartment after its demolished, find a place that only rents to women (for a good price), and so they do the obvious thing. Pretend to be women and live there!

My idea for retooling it though would add a bit of 'spice' to the whole thing. It would still be about two guys who move in to a womens only apartment complex. Only this time one of the guys is GAY!!! The gay guy is works for an advertising firm. I'd set Bosom Buddies 2.0 in Seattle. The other guy would be a smart handsome african american lawyer. Early on in the first season the ruse of dressing up as women would be exposed but they would be allowed to stay. The rest of the first season would be about all the women in the apartment building trying to court the handsome lawyer and the gay roommate trying to set him up with all the women. OH THE FUNNIES THAT WOULD HAPPEN!

Season one would end on a cliffhanger where a new owner moves in and not only is he racist and openly homophobic, but he plans on kicking out Ms. Parker (the widow who's apartment has been under rent control for years) because she doesn't pay enough rent!! The boys and ladies concoct a crazy scheme that ultimately fails, but teaches the new owner the meaning of tolerance and good will. Ms. Parker gets to stay and even gets to keep her old dog Betsy (a beagle) who would always bark at the new owner. In the finale Tom Hanks shows up as the angry owner and ultimately wins an Emmy for Best Comedic Guest Star role...or whatever that category is called.

I'm Starting A Band

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FOLKS. For far too long there have been bands. Bands that I'm not in! My main goals of starting a band are to become insanely famous and make a lot of money. I need to have a easily marketable band though. I'll be using the Pitchfork Aesthetic for maximum "cred." I'm also going to use Arcade Fire as a template. I need a large band that has both male and female members and I definitely need multiple races in the band.

1. Cute but not too sexy lead female vocalist. The girl has to be undeniably attractive but not so attractive that she is Victoria's Secret intimidating to guys. I will say she should be a mega mix of races. I'll say she is part German, French, English, Chinese girl who was born in Hawaii but lived in Nice (That's France folks) until she was 13 when her well to do mother divorced her father and moved to New York. She lived in New York until she was 19. She now lives in Silver Lake. She is 26 years old. On stage she will be known for the head gear she wears. She is partial to the ushanka (those fur russian hats) but as the set progresses and everyone gets hotter she will shed the ushanka in favor of something lighter like a throwback NBA hat such that sports the Charlotte Hornets logo.

2. Lead male vocalist should be a gruff but affable fellow. He will always be sporting some sort of peculiar facial hair that no man who works a standard 9-5 job would be able to have.....unless your 9-5 job was being a railroad baron from the late 1800's. He will be a smart young capable man who attended Sarah Lawrence for 2 years before dropping out. I'd hope he has bright shiny red hair. This band will be going for a mish-mash of clothing styles so it doesn't really matter what he wears. I'd imagine it jumps between openly embracing late 80's hip-hop and occasionally a 1920's barber.

3. 'THAT DUDE WHO PLAYS VIOLIN' Yeah I'll have that guy. He'll be back up harmonizing vocals when there isn't a violin part to the song (and often there is not) and when he's not harmonizing he'll be part of the wacky stage show presence. In lulls in the songs he will take a air cannon and shoot out t-shirts from the stage.

4. Two Girls Who Do Percussion - Its worth noting that these girls are sisters. They are separated by 7 years but they will have matching tattoos. The older girl will be the drummer and the younger sister will be whatever percussion fills need to be for the song. That could be a xylophone, weird wind chimes, tambourine, or what have you.

5. 'That Older Dude Who Could be Everyone's Dad' The older guy who seems like he is double everyones age in the band will be on bass. This is a guy who is somewhat of a journeyman. He's been in dozens of bands spanning various genres. He wasn't even supposed to be in the band but our original bass player who was my old college roommate dropped out of the band because he got this girl Sheila pregnant in Boston so he couldn't play the gig. The guy is completely gray but he can still rock and when we get our first interviews in the big rock mags he'll marvel on how fate brought him to this band and how he can't keep up with the young kids. He'll be known for dressing like a guy from Mad men would dress and he'll constantly remind us on the road how fame is fleeting. He will always be reading some stupid dime store novel on the tour bus.

6. 'That Piano Guy' The guy who plays piano on some of our songs.

7. 'The DJ' The girl who spins and scratches for our huge medley songs...she has to be a mysterious girl. In fact she is an ex-model but she will always wear hoodies and huge ski goggles to conceal her face. The point is fans/audiences will never know who she is.

8. Me - I play the recorder. I can play 'hot cross buns'.

The band name will be Nishihara Station. Our first album title will be Appear to Vindicate Thee.

IT'S RAWWWWW!!!!

This is not Eddie Murphy Raw. It's almost that time of year...SUMMER TIME! Which means I have to officially ordain the Song Of the Summer! I'm not sure what it is yet but I can assure you it will not be a Black Eyed Peas song. I never wrote this down but I can also say that I went out on the smallest and lamest limb possible by declaring the summer of 2009 the summer of '1901' by Phoenix. It was catchy and fun and light. Be on the look out folks.

In other news my foot is jacked up and it makes it very painful to walk. Fortunately riding a bike is easy breezy beautiful cover girl. I was riding my bike the other day and I was in Venice and I'm pretty sure I saw Rosario Dawson. If you obsessively read my facebook feed you would have already known this. I think myself and Rosario would make a great couple. Of course she would have to financially support me while I pursue more serious achievements like leveling up in Modern Warfare 2 on the 360. There is a slight age difference too. She's older than me by a few years but as I've always said, love conquers all (Unless you're really old and disgusting. If that is the case then get the hell away from me old person. Why don't you go watch Matlock?!)

Speaking of Venice...man that place is chill and cool but it still manages to piss me off. First Friday on Abbot Kinney is in a nut shell a event where the first friday of the month all the stores on Abbott Kinney Boulevard stay open late and offer cool deals and open house type things and a shit ton of food trucks show up and its a big block party type feel. Lots of overpriced boutique stores filled with things I'd never buy/use but its still fun. That said it is a deadly combination. A bunch of awesome food trucks and places to drink and yet, no painfully obvious bathrooms for me to use. I had to duck in to a sushi place and pretend I was waiting for a friend so I could use the bathroom. I was seriously going to just piss in a side street but then public shame got the better of me. WHERE DA PORTA-POTTIES AT YO???

FINALLY: My ongoing war of attrition with the restaurant/beer palace known as Father's Office continues. Allegedly the burgers are to die for and I'm within 5 minutes biking distance yet I refuse to be a patron of such a place. Why? Because the dude bans ketchup because it fucks with his original intentions for flavors? A tad bit pretentious??? Maybe...and he does have a point. Steak sauce on a nice steak kills the flavor.

On the other hand. THIS IS AMERICA. LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT OR I WILL STICK A BOOT IN YOUR ASS. Let me use ketchup damnit.

I Wonder What the Poor People are Doing?

Let Us Raise the Level of Discourse [FARTS]

A new day has come. Some are calling it historic. I call it Tuesday. Wait, no, I'm thinking of M. Bison's monologue from Street Fighter The Movie.



So we've got this which is classy.



That's about all I got.

Quoth The Macho Man, Nevermore

To quote the hit single I'm Back off of Macho Man Randy Savage's album Be A Man, I am in fact BACK!



Nearly a month of no blogs has left me stupider and less refreshed than I ever thought I could be. Nothing exciting to speak of that I can think of to be honest. I have finally discovered the best barbecue place in all of Southern California. Granted, I didn't discover it but I did finally go there. It's called Bludso's and it is in Compton. To quote another rap luminary (although not as nearly as accomplished as Macho Man Randy Savage) I will quote one Dr. Dre. "But I'm never off, always on, til the break of dawn, C-O-M-P-T-O-N..."

Let me be clear when I say I Bludso's is definitely always on because wow...my friend and I got the meat sampler for the price of 25 dollars. Sounds pricey until you realize the sampler comes with two sides and when they say meat sampler they aren't fucking around. You got ribs, chicken, brisket, pulled pork, and sausages. I swear the damn thing weighted 6 or 7 pounds. Anyone decides to come visit me or just in Los Angeles in general I suggest you check it out.

Now on a scale from 'I don't give a shit' to 'this is amazing and if you don't pay attention right now I will spank you' Tom Petty sits right in the middle of that scale. He merely exists in my life. He has some music I like and some that I don't care for. The other night though Mary Jane's Last Dance came on the radio and it was a shockingly transcendent moment for me. The song has a relatively timeless sound to it. The video which for some reason is always stuck firmly in my mind is also rather interesting. You get an appearance from Kim Basinger as a corpse that Petty who plays a morgue worker dresses her up and has dinner with her and dances with her. In any event interpreting the song is kind of, well, open. Ignoring the obvious marijuana pun it mostly sounds to me like a lament of a love gone. Think 'Boys of Summer' by Don Henley except not as awesome.



"I feel summer creepin' in and I'm tired of this town again." Perfect really. In fact I feel summer creepin' in as we speak and I am in fact tired of this town again.

Time for a corn dog.

Mind Boggling

My life is pretty much the easiest thing ever in comparison. Amazing.

Return to Innocence

No I'm not talking about returning to our pre-9/11 times where things made sense and the Crash never won an Oscar. I'm talking about the smash hit from Enigma that to this day haunts my dreams. Look, I'm not going to dispute whether this song is good or not. It is good. That said, I can't imagine sitting around in my cubicle in the year 1994 where the office has the radio set to a soft rock channel and this comes on and me actually really enjoying it. In fact it would depress the hell out of me.

Confession: Am I racist for always assuming the "ayyyyyyeee yayyy yahhhhh ohhh ayeee" was a Native American dude? I say no. I always imagined (yes I spent time thinking about this) the music video would be some caricature of an Indian dude wearing a big feather head dress standing on top of some really high rock formation and him just belting out his chant. Plus at the end I'd probably go class PSA garbage announcement style and maybe zoom in on his eye and show a single tear dropping down. If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch this.



The funny part is this dude isn't even a native american. He is in fact Sicilian.

Back to Enigma. Turns out that this chant is actually an aboriginal Taiwanese chant that was sampled from the "Jubilant Drinking Song." If you watch the video you see that it starts with an old guy and his life is going in reverse.


Enigma - Return To Innocence
Uploaded by zocomoro. - See the latest featured music videos.

This of course immediately reminds me of the Coldplay video for The Scientist.


Coldplay - The Scientist
Uploaded by itami. - See the latest featured music videos.

Which immediately reminds of the CBC Hockey Night in Canada Stanley Cup Final Game 1 intro from 2009. Which once again proves my theory. Sports + montage + song = Magic.

China Bots and Mexiborgs

Awesome Job

It's Friday night and I'm inside watching a movie. I have an excuse though. It is raining out.

I just spilled an entire bowl of salsa on myself. I was only wearing underwear and a shirt. Sweet.

I'll Copy the Onion

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