I'm Starting A Band

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FOLKS. For far too long there have been bands. Bands that I'm not in! My main goals of starting a band are to become insanely famous and make a lot of money. I need to have a easily marketable band though. I'll be using the Pitchfork Aesthetic for maximum "cred." I'm also going to use Arcade Fire as a template. I need a large band that has both male and female members and I definitely need multiple races in the band.

1. Cute but not too sexy lead female vocalist. The girl has to be undeniably attractive but not so attractive that she is Victoria's Secret intimidating to guys. I will say she should be a mega mix of races. I'll say she is part German, French, English, Chinese girl who was born in Hawaii but lived in Nice (That's France folks) until she was 13 when her well to do mother divorced her father and moved to New York. She lived in New York until she was 19. She now lives in Silver Lake. She is 26 years old. On stage she will be known for the head gear she wears. She is partial to the ushanka (those fur russian hats) but as the set progresses and everyone gets hotter she will shed the ushanka in favor of something lighter like a throwback NBA hat such that sports the Charlotte Hornets logo.

2. Lead male vocalist should be a gruff but affable fellow. He will always be sporting some sort of peculiar facial hair that no man who works a standard 9-5 job would be able to have.....unless your 9-5 job was being a railroad baron from the late 1800's. He will be a smart young capable man who attended Sarah Lawrence for 2 years before dropping out. I'd hope he has bright shiny red hair. This band will be going for a mish-mash of clothing styles so it doesn't really matter what he wears. I'd imagine it jumps between openly embracing late 80's hip-hop and occasionally a 1920's barber.

3. 'THAT DUDE WHO PLAYS VIOLIN' Yeah I'll have that guy. He'll be back up harmonizing vocals when there isn't a violin part to the song (and often there is not) and when he's not harmonizing he'll be part of the wacky stage show presence. In lulls in the songs he will take a air cannon and shoot out t-shirts from the stage.

4. Two Girls Who Do Percussion - Its worth noting that these girls are sisters. They are separated by 7 years but they will have matching tattoos. The older girl will be the drummer and the younger sister will be whatever percussion fills need to be for the song. That could be a xylophone, weird wind chimes, tambourine, or what have you.

5. 'That Older Dude Who Could be Everyone's Dad' The older guy who seems like he is double everyones age in the band will be on bass. This is a guy who is somewhat of a journeyman. He's been in dozens of bands spanning various genres. He wasn't even supposed to be in the band but our original bass player who was my old college roommate dropped out of the band because he got this girl Sheila pregnant in Boston so he couldn't play the gig. The guy is completely gray but he can still rock and when we get our first interviews in the big rock mags he'll marvel on how fate brought him to this band and how he can't keep up with the young kids. He'll be known for dressing like a guy from Mad men would dress and he'll constantly remind us on the road how fame is fleeting. He will always be reading some stupid dime store novel on the tour bus.

6. 'That Piano Guy' The guy who plays piano on some of our songs.

7. 'The DJ' The girl who spins and scratches for our huge medley songs...she has to be a mysterious girl. In fact she is an ex-model but she will always wear hoodies and huge ski goggles to conceal her face. The point is fans/audiences will never know who she is.

8. Me - I play the recorder. I can play 'hot cross buns'.

The band name will be Nishihara Station. Our first album title will be Appear to Vindicate Thee.