If you did not know, Michael Jackson died. I won't bother with a drawn out memory laden trip down Jackson Lane. What I will say is I always thought that the song Black Velvet from Alannah Miles and Dirty Diana were very similar. Not literally similar in that they are two very distinct songs but rather that they are both similar in my mind. If I were to hear Dirty Diana I get some sort of subconscious reminder of the other song. I'm completely lame for thinking this and even more lame for thinking (just a tad bit) that after she sings the lyrics "Slow Southern Style" they have that stupid guitar twang/riff thing going on and I start telling myself this song is decent.
True Story.
I think the only other reason I link these is because in the video Dirty Diana you have Michael Jackson performing in a very stylized concert that is actually pretty rocking. In fact I'd say this is my 2nd favorite Michael Jackson song...not to mention its about groupies. In the video for Black Velvet you have weird back country visuals intermixed with very similar stylized concert footage.
Monday, June 29, 2009
21 Jump Street
Let me be frank. Johnny Depp has thus far had an amazing career of ups and downs. Ed Wood...brilliant, Edward Scissorhands was a crazy wacky movie that I enjoy, his turn as Jack Sparrow was refreshing, and who can forget him being sucked down into a vortex hole of Freddy Krueger's creation and spraying out like a bloody Old Faithful? That said he is getting a bit too perfect and I mean that in a very nice respectable way.
I've never heard a bad story about him. He just tipped some guy 4000 dollars at a dinner. He dressed up as Jack Sparrow when his daughter was in the hospital and entertained sick children. Can I also point out he is a handsome man and be "hot" to women when he is clean shaven. When he has a weird pube beard. When his hair hasn't been washed in 3 weeks and is greasy and he actually looks worse than a homeless guy down in Venice he actually becomes more endearing to women. As Dave Damashek pointed out, he could rub hippo shit all over his face and he would only become more attractive. Is this post born out of pure jealousy?? TOTALLY.
This is not me hating Johnny Depp though. Public Enemies is now my most anticipated movie of the summer. With that in mind, stop being so awesome because you're making me feel bad. It would help if you gained 50 pounds and got ugly too.
I've never heard a bad story about him. He just tipped some guy 4000 dollars at a dinner. He dressed up as Jack Sparrow when his daughter was in the hospital and entertained sick children. Can I also point out he is a handsome man and be "hot" to women when he is clean shaven. When he has a weird pube beard. When his hair hasn't been washed in 3 weeks and is greasy and he actually looks worse than a homeless guy down in Venice he actually becomes more endearing to women. As Dave Damashek pointed out, he could rub hippo shit all over his face and he would only become more attractive. Is this post born out of pure jealousy?? TOTALLY.
This is not me hating Johnny Depp though. Public Enemies is now my most anticipated movie of the summer. With that in mind, stop being so awesome because you're making me feel bad. It would help if you gained 50 pounds and got ugly too.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Go See 'Moon'
Shameless shilling with a zero content post. Just got back from this film. Its a bit slow paced but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Don't want to say too much because I'll spoil it for my 5 readers out there in LaLa Land.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Stuck in the Middle
Taking a look at my iTunes list I will make no excuses. I won't try to explain what songs are on there ironically or just as a joke between friends. Between the Counting Crows and Creation I have the Greatest Hits Album of The Cranberries. I'm not going to make an excuses for having this band except that they rock. I might have mentioned this in a previous post but I think it was only in passing.
For my money I think 'Zombie' is my favorite song of theirs. I also remember seeing the video on MTV when I was a young chap and not knowing what the hell is going on and what the song was even referring to (Those wacky Irish and their "Troubles"). The greatest hits track list opens with an absolute hall of fame starting three of Dreams, Linger, and Zombie. Thats an impressive starting three. It's worth noting that Dolores O'Riordan the lead singer of The Cranberries has also done one of those 'I thought she was kind of cute but now years later turns into a babe' category. This brings up a point to hit on though.
How should a greatest hits album be constructed. A band that was a One-Hit-Wonder or maybe just a Two Hit Wonder probably wants to frontload their album. (This is of course rather blasphemous in the era of the MP3 single, but lets just pretend you're buying a CD greatest hits and are going to listen to it sequentially like a reviewer for Rolling Stone in 1992) Give the listener what they want right away. The immediate fun song that got a ton of radio play and the one you really bought this CD for. Depending on the number of true "HITS" you might sprinkle them through a CD. I'd argue that unless you're a perennial mega band you should probably limit your greatest hits to around 12-14 tracks. This does not include the 2nd disc of studio outtakes and bootlegs from live shows though.
Say what you will about the Red Hot Chili Peppers but I think we can all agree they've been around the bend more than once and have lasted longer than anyone would have thought. Speaking of which I just sawy Anthony Kiedis today and not only is he rather short, but he is sporting some sort of mustache. He must live close because I've seen him something like 3 times coming from the same place and he is always wearing a jacket or something even though its sunny and hot out. But enough about bullshit celebrity sightings, lets talk about the Greatest Hits album by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Really well balanced and almost all the tracks are pretty much "Hits" that I can listen to from the first track to the last. Key in placement is the first track being 'Under the Bridge'. I don't think I know anyone who will say that Under the Bridge sucks. In fact its probably the most popular/well known song they've ever done. Its not a case of shooting your wad too fast though because they have enough hits to fill out the rest of the disc. Bold placement is rewarded in this case.
For my money I think 'Zombie' is my favorite song of theirs. I also remember seeing the video on MTV when I was a young chap and not knowing what the hell is going on and what the song was even referring to (Those wacky Irish and their "Troubles"). The greatest hits track list opens with an absolute hall of fame starting three of Dreams, Linger, and Zombie. Thats an impressive starting three. It's worth noting that Dolores O'Riordan the lead singer of The Cranberries has also done one of those 'I thought she was kind of cute but now years later turns into a babe' category. This brings up a point to hit on though.
How should a greatest hits album be constructed. A band that was a One-Hit-Wonder or maybe just a Two Hit Wonder probably wants to frontload their album. (This is of course rather blasphemous in the era of the MP3 single, but lets just pretend you're buying a CD greatest hits and are going to listen to it sequentially like a reviewer for Rolling Stone in 1992) Give the listener what they want right away. The immediate fun song that got a ton of radio play and the one you really bought this CD for. Depending on the number of true "HITS" you might sprinkle them through a CD. I'd argue that unless you're a perennial mega band you should probably limit your greatest hits to around 12-14 tracks. This does not include the 2nd disc of studio outtakes and bootlegs from live shows though.
Say what you will about the Red Hot Chili Peppers but I think we can all agree they've been around the bend more than once and have lasted longer than anyone would have thought. Speaking of which I just sawy Anthony Kiedis today and not only is he rather short, but he is sporting some sort of mustache. He must live close because I've seen him something like 3 times coming from the same place and he is always wearing a jacket or something even though its sunny and hot out. But enough about bullshit celebrity sightings, lets talk about the Greatest Hits album by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Really well balanced and almost all the tracks are pretty much "Hits" that I can listen to from the first track to the last. Key in placement is the first track being 'Under the Bridge'. I don't think I know anyone who will say that Under the Bridge sucks. In fact its probably the most popular/well known song they've ever done. Its not a case of shooting your wad too fast though because they have enough hits to fill out the rest of the disc. Bold placement is rewarded in this case.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Comfort Wipe
Finally the answer to my prayers. Or rather, cut the crap. We all know this is for really fat people who can't actually wipe themselves.
Being a big guy certainly has its advantages...and its disadvantages.
Advantages: Being a good lineman in football.
Disadvantages: Not being able to wipe your own ass.
Being a big guy certainly has its advantages...and its disadvantages.
Advantages: Being a good lineman in football.
Disadvantages: Not being able to wipe your own ass.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Dear Sweden
Walking Like a Man, Hitting Like a Hammer
She's a juvenile Scam, Never was a Quitter
Tasty Like a Raindrop, She's Got the Look
The Look is to 1989 as Young Folks is to 2006
She's a juvenile Scam, Never was a Quitter
Tasty Like a Raindrop, She's Got the Look
The Look is to 1989 as Young Folks is to 2006
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Joe Pesci Is Homeless & Smart
I'm at work listening to the shit radio and the Madonna cut 'I'll Remember' comes on. Which because I'm an absolute freak of nature reminded me of that crappy movie where Joe Pesci is a homeless guy who also happens to be living in a boiler room on the campus of Harvard. Check out this amazing trailer for the film 'With Honors' which is undeniably 90's to the core. It features the song 'Unbelievable' by EMF. Interestingly they use the exterior to the University of Minnesota's Northrop Auditorium as a stand in for Harvard's Widener library (Thanks Wikipedia!) so yeah, GO GOPHERS!
What wacky entertainment! Homeless people aren't just those people you pass every day who want your change. They can blackmail you for food and lodging whilst allowing you to learn valuable life lessons and learn the true meaning of friendship. The chick from 'The Cutting Edge' is in this. Her name is Moira Kelly and she is putting a serious mid 90's hot chick vibe that you would find in say, Winona Ryder in Reality Bites. They just don't make them like they used to. Patrick Dempsey is in this too!!! Yeah I don't really give a fuck but its funny how much better he has aged compared to the lead, Brendan Fraser who I'm pretty sure has had his hair fully receed to the back of his head.
I did actually see this movie on HBO back in the day but I have no real memories of the film. What I do have is wikipedia telling me that the character Joe Pesci plays is named Simon Wilder. He also happens to be homeless but he worked as a merchant marine before asbestos damage forced him to quit....which is hilarious. He also has become very worldly since being homeless on the campus of Harvard. He has soaked up much knowledge and eventually outsmarts the "bad guy" in this movie who is a professor as they debate over the Constitution. Riveting stuff.
The one reason I think this movie is worth mentioning though is that I cannot see this movie being made now. If it was it would either be extremely serious or extremely goofy. I also see it going the extremely goofy route.
In an alternate With Honors (Serious Version) that takes place in 2009, Brendan Fraser's character is now played by Zac Efron. Will Smith is now the homeless guy but instead of being a merchant marine who got sick from asbestos he was a former professor at Harvard who was dismissed for being intimate with one of his former students. This of course is false but in flashbacks we note that it was implied it was a gay love affair and that veiled racism and anti-homosexual forces on Harvard's campus forced him to quit. Soon his life fell apart and Will Smiths character became extremely depressed and started drinking too much. He still has his keys from his time as a professor though so he can get into the boiler rooms and sleep. Zac Efron still loses his thesis in a similar fashion and initially Will Smith is blackmailing him so he can get some food and shelter in exchange for the thesis return. That said the movie goes more Good Will Hunting/Find Forrester with the ending having Zac Efron getting Will Smith reinstated at Harvard as a professor posthumously because Will Smith dies of pancreatic cancer. They name a scholarship and a building after him though.
In the alternate wacky version Michael Cera is the student and John C. Reilly is the homeless guy. Much more focused on pure awkward humor and lots of sarcasm the concept remains similar. Except this time John C. Reilly plays up his Merchant Marine past and is constantly makign weird nautical jokes and calling Michael Cera a "scurvy land lover." This time too there is a love interest except it becomes the classic nerd pines for really hot but down to earth girl who happens to be dating the jerk. The spin is that she is dating a professor (Played by Paul Rudd) who is actually revealed to be a decent guy who just dates students because his wife left him and is trying to fill the void of that relationship with young hot chicks. We know he is decent because Cera and Rudd meet at this coffee shop where the young hot chick is playing an acoustic set and Rudd opens his heart to Cera. To achieve hip/indie/ironic/stupid cred the girl at the coffee shop is playing an acoustic version of 'Cum on Feel the Noise'. This will be released on iTunes as a single and becomes number 4 on the singles list and is immediately put in heavy rotation on college radio stations across the country. The film ends with a scene of John C. Reilly who has realized that he was made for the ocean back on a ship. He is dressed like a crusty sailor but as the camera pans out from a close up on his face, he is actually on a Carnival cruise ship. It ends with him starting a mamba line (With Paul Rudd in the line happily smiling) as a helicopter shot takes over beautiful carribean waters. Cera & Hot Nerdy chick are driving a Vespa scooter on the coast line.
What wacky entertainment! Homeless people aren't just those people you pass every day who want your change. They can blackmail you for food and lodging whilst allowing you to learn valuable life lessons and learn the true meaning of friendship. The chick from 'The Cutting Edge' is in this. Her name is Moira Kelly and she is putting a serious mid 90's hot chick vibe that you would find in say, Winona Ryder in Reality Bites. They just don't make them like they used to. Patrick Dempsey is in this too!!! Yeah I don't really give a fuck but its funny how much better he has aged compared to the lead, Brendan Fraser who I'm pretty sure has had his hair fully receed to the back of his head.
I did actually see this movie on HBO back in the day but I have no real memories of the film. What I do have is wikipedia telling me that the character Joe Pesci plays is named Simon Wilder. He also happens to be homeless but he worked as a merchant marine before asbestos damage forced him to quit....which is hilarious. He also has become very worldly since being homeless on the campus of Harvard. He has soaked up much knowledge and eventually outsmarts the "bad guy" in this movie who is a professor as they debate over the Constitution. Riveting stuff.
The one reason I think this movie is worth mentioning though is that I cannot see this movie being made now. If it was it would either be extremely serious or extremely goofy. I also see it going the extremely goofy route.
In an alternate With Honors (Serious Version) that takes place in 2009, Brendan Fraser's character is now played by Zac Efron. Will Smith is now the homeless guy but instead of being a merchant marine who got sick from asbestos he was a former professor at Harvard who was dismissed for being intimate with one of his former students. This of course is false but in flashbacks we note that it was implied it was a gay love affair and that veiled racism and anti-homosexual forces on Harvard's campus forced him to quit. Soon his life fell apart and Will Smiths character became extremely depressed and started drinking too much. He still has his keys from his time as a professor though so he can get into the boiler rooms and sleep. Zac Efron still loses his thesis in a similar fashion and initially Will Smith is blackmailing him so he can get some food and shelter in exchange for the thesis return. That said the movie goes more Good Will Hunting/Find Forrester with the ending having Zac Efron getting Will Smith reinstated at Harvard as a professor posthumously because Will Smith dies of pancreatic cancer. They name a scholarship and a building after him though.
In the alternate wacky version Michael Cera is the student and John C. Reilly is the homeless guy. Much more focused on pure awkward humor and lots of sarcasm the concept remains similar. Except this time John C. Reilly plays up his Merchant Marine past and is constantly makign weird nautical jokes and calling Michael Cera a "scurvy land lover." This time too there is a love interest except it becomes the classic nerd pines for really hot but down to earth girl who happens to be dating the jerk. The spin is that she is dating a professor (Played by Paul Rudd) who is actually revealed to be a decent guy who just dates students because his wife left him and is trying to fill the void of that relationship with young hot chicks. We know he is decent because Cera and Rudd meet at this coffee shop where the young hot chick is playing an acoustic set and Rudd opens his heart to Cera. To achieve hip/indie/ironic/stupid cred the girl at the coffee shop is playing an acoustic version of 'Cum on Feel the Noise'. This will be released on iTunes as a single and becomes number 4 on the singles list and is immediately put in heavy rotation on college radio stations across the country. The film ends with a scene of John C. Reilly who has realized that he was made for the ocean back on a ship. He is dressed like a crusty sailor but as the camera pans out from a close up on his face, he is actually on a Carnival cruise ship. It ends with him starting a mamba line (With Paul Rudd in the line happily smiling) as a helicopter shot takes over beautiful carribean waters. Cera & Hot Nerdy chick are driving a Vespa scooter on the coast line.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Flux Capacitor
Other thoughts about my time watching the Back to the Future trilogy at the Aero Theatre.
- The theater atmosphere was certainly a great one. Funny scenes were made funnier by an enthusiastic crowd that was into it. That said, when the Libyan terrorists come after Doc the laughter in the crowd was there but there was something in the air...almost an uncertainty about how one should laugh at the scene. There is an inherent goofiness to the scene as these two men arrive in VW van with an AK-47 and RPG. The one guy is also almost exclusively using "ARGHHH" grunts in the scene. On the other hand they are there and do initially kill one Dr. Emmett Brown. Plus...you know, terrorists.
- There was a large number of people wearing the Back to the Future 1 Marty outfit. Red vest, tight blue jeans, and suspenders. One guy had that color changing hat from Back to the Future Part 2. No one was dressed like an old west character and I didn't notice anyone with their pants inside out which is how all kids in the future dress.
- At the beginning of Back to the Futre the DeLorean DMC-12 modified with Mr. Fusion and flying cability they take off in the street in front of Marty's house. Biff comes out and sees the car take off and disappear and all he says is, "What the hell is going on here?" Cue thunderous music.
Shouldn't he have been in complete shock? Wouldn't this be a bigger deal to him? A flying car that disappeared into seemingly thin air?
- According to comments made by Michael J. Fox he loved skateboarding in real life and the character Marty McFly happened to reflect that which was great. Except any scene where its clearly not a double and is indeed Mr. Fox skateboarding remains relatively unconvincing. He doesn't seem to really look like he has a reliable push stride down.
-Below are two cell phone pictures taken. Note the working Time Circuits!
- The theater atmosphere was certainly a great one. Funny scenes were made funnier by an enthusiastic crowd that was into it. That said, when the Libyan terrorists come after Doc the laughter in the crowd was there but there was something in the air...almost an uncertainty about how one should laugh at the scene. There is an inherent goofiness to the scene as these two men arrive in VW van with an AK-47 and RPG. The one guy is also almost exclusively using "ARGHHH" grunts in the scene. On the other hand they are there and do initially kill one Dr. Emmett Brown. Plus...you know, terrorists.
- There was a large number of people wearing the Back to the Future 1 Marty outfit. Red vest, tight blue jeans, and suspenders. One guy had that color changing hat from Back to the Future Part 2. No one was dressed like an old west character and I didn't notice anyone with their pants inside out which is how all kids in the future dress.
- At the beginning of Back to the Futre the DeLorean DMC-12 modified with Mr. Fusion and flying cability they take off in the street in front of Marty's house. Biff comes out and sees the car take off and disappear and all he says is, "What the hell is going on here?" Cue thunderous music.
Shouldn't he have been in complete shock? Wouldn't this be a bigger deal to him? A flying car that disappeared into seemingly thin air?
- According to comments made by Michael J. Fox he loved skateboarding in real life and the character Marty McFly happened to reflect that which was great. Except any scene where its clearly not a double and is indeed Mr. Fox skateboarding remains relatively unconvincing. He doesn't seem to really look like he has a reliable push stride down.
-Below are two cell phone pictures taken. Note the working Time Circuits!
Friday, June 05, 2009
People Are Dumb
When you have a lot of money there are really stupid and hilariously creative ways to blow it. Living in the area that I do in the place that I live in I will randomly get free magazines delivered to my house. Most of them are pointless lifestyle magazines about things I don't care about. A few weeks ago I got a magazine called Genlux which happens to be a "Luxury Fashion and Beauty" magazine. It has sat around here for a while and I was about to throw it away but decided to crack its spine to see what interesting things it had to say. It was mostly just fashion pictures and random expensive things showcased for purchase. A great area that I found though was a mini-article that asked "experts" how to stay "Healthy While Traipsing Around The Globe."
"Nutritionist To The Stars" and Life-Extension Specialist Oz Garcia, Ph.D. has some real zingers!! He outlines ten tips to stay healthy while traveling. Number 9 states,
"The number one way to catch cold on a plane is by touching surfaces infected with germs. Spray your seat-and surrounding seats if possible with a solution of grapefruit seed extract, which is naturally antiparasitic, antibacterial, antiviral, and antifungal."
Thanks OZ! Thats really sensible you fucking dope. Not only would everyone think you're crazy and probably think you're a terrorist, you'd also look stupid and become beyond paranoid if you're worried that there are hordes of hidden fungus on the seats around you. He finds time to pimp his own shit in this list too. Tip Number 3 states,
"Along with the AriZona Beverage Co., I have formulated tow new products that are ideal for anyone who needs a morning boost or deep relaxation at night. AriZona A.M. Awake quickshot gives you health, sustained energy charge without the crash of coffee. It's great for clarity of mind and alertness and is packed with vitamins, minerals, phytonutrients, and green tea."
Oh yeah, and this Oz Water (nice name you turd) is only 28 dollars for a twelve pack (each bottle is 16 oz)!!! Speaking of Oz, how can he label himself as a Life Extension Specialist? How do I become one of those. "Hey dude, don't smoke!!" "Stop eating Burger King!" Holy shit, I'm already a life extension specialist!! On his website he sells stuff with names like "Brainwave Plus" and "Revita Shampoo (only 32 dollars!)" so you know he is not a quack!
Enough about Oz. What else is Genlux slanging? Why, how about GoChi juice?! ONLY 50 dollars a bottle!! WHAT A DEAL!!! According to their website, "Did you know that in some remote places in this world, a life expectancy of more than 100 years is not uncommon?" (Author Note: These places do not exist!) What I find most insulting is that in these "remote" places that GoChi juice is clearly idolizing and also falsely revering is that these remote places where people live and allegedly live for 100 years is that actually living there sucks ass. You think those people like drinking some root juice that is smashed by some elder villagers feet into a barely paletable mush? You don't think they'd rather drive their Range Rover to Whole Foods to buy a already Roasted Chicken while they talk via Moron Blue Tooth device to their nanny to pick up Little Billy from his Summer Day Camp so mom can go to Spin Class at 7pm? Goddamnit.
You might be wondering how big a single bottle is? Maybe a gallon at that price right? Wrong. You get a liter of GoChi juice for 50 dollars. On their website they include a completely stupid chart showing 19 reasons why you should try GoChi juice. You will feel calmer for one!! Just reading about GoChi juice is pissing me off so much I, hold on...I better spray my grapefruit seed extract around my room...I think i'm getting a cough.
Genlux also suggests we consider iZO Cleanze. The promotional shot makes it look like a few glass mason jars filled with various solid colored liquids. "This vegan, raw, and gluten-free beverage removes toxins, parasites, and heavy metlas from the body, strengthens the immune system, aids in weight loss, and beautifies the skin, hair, teeth, and nails." When I read something is vegan, raw, and gluten-free my first guess is that it will taste like a tepid piece of moldy dog shit. I assume I'm right too.
BOY THAT SOLID GREEN LIQUID JAR SURE LOOKS TASTY!! I love how on their website they call it their "Signature Juice Feast!" Feast to me implies a abundant or excessive amount of food. Not solid mason jars of liquid that taste like Yak breath. Oh...did I mention a 1 day supply of "Cleanze" is 150 dollars. Celebrity testimonials abound on their website and in Genlux. Mary Kate Olsen uses this!! So does Mandy Moore!!! Yep, so basically if you are a famous woman and need lose a lot of weight in a short time before the Oscars or something only drinking liquid for 14 days is probably a good way to do it. Since I live in Los Angeles I can have this delivered to my door by 6 a.m. as well!!
I also love how all these cleanses and "flushes" and "cleaners" all tap dance around the fact that what they're really saying is that you'll be on your toilet for a few hours shooting liquid from your ass. They talk about "bowel cleanses" but the reality is always less glamorous. Cleanse is a nice way to say things. What it should say is "nightmarish stomach cramps where you think a midget somehow smuggled himself into your stomach and is now pouring battery acid inside you as you cry to Zeus almighty to stop the pain from overtaking you."
Conclusion: Poor people don't care about cleansing because they are trying to survive. If you have too much money you start trying to make your "nails look healthier" by consuming obscene amounts of organic, free range, torture free, this is not a plastic bag, juices that are delivered to your house at 150 dollars a pop. Me? I'll stick with Coke and a Double Double Animal Style.
"Nutritionist To The Stars" and Life-Extension Specialist Oz Garcia, Ph.D. has some real zingers!! He outlines ten tips to stay healthy while traveling. Number 9 states,
"The number one way to catch cold on a plane is by touching surfaces infected with germs. Spray your seat-and surrounding seats if possible with a solution of grapefruit seed extract, which is naturally antiparasitic, antibacterial, antiviral, and antifungal."
Thanks OZ! Thats really sensible you fucking dope. Not only would everyone think you're crazy and probably think you're a terrorist, you'd also look stupid and become beyond paranoid if you're worried that there are hordes of hidden fungus on the seats around you. He finds time to pimp his own shit in this list too. Tip Number 3 states,
"Along with the AriZona Beverage Co., I have formulated tow new products that are ideal for anyone who needs a morning boost or deep relaxation at night. AriZona A.M. Awake quickshot gives you health, sustained energy charge without the crash of coffee. It's great for clarity of mind and alertness and is packed with vitamins, minerals, phytonutrients, and green tea."
Oh yeah, and this Oz Water (nice name you turd) is only 28 dollars for a twelve pack (each bottle is 16 oz)!!! Speaking of Oz, how can he label himself as a Life Extension Specialist? How do I become one of those. "Hey dude, don't smoke!!" "Stop eating Burger King!" Holy shit, I'm already a life extension specialist!! On his website he sells stuff with names like "Brainwave Plus" and "Revita Shampoo (only 32 dollars!)" so you know he is not a quack!
Enough about Oz. What else is Genlux slanging? Why, how about GoChi juice?! ONLY 50 dollars a bottle!! WHAT A DEAL!!! According to their website, "Did you know that in some remote places in this world, a life expectancy of more than 100 years is not uncommon?" (Author Note: These places do not exist!) What I find most insulting is that in these "remote" places that GoChi juice is clearly idolizing and also falsely revering is that these remote places where people live and allegedly live for 100 years is that actually living there sucks ass. You think those people like drinking some root juice that is smashed by some elder villagers feet into a barely paletable mush? You don't think they'd rather drive their Range Rover to Whole Foods to buy a already Roasted Chicken while they talk via Moron Blue Tooth device to their nanny to pick up Little Billy from his Summer Day Camp so mom can go to Spin Class at 7pm? Goddamnit.
You might be wondering how big a single bottle is? Maybe a gallon at that price right? Wrong. You get a liter of GoChi juice for 50 dollars. On their website they include a completely stupid chart showing 19 reasons why you should try GoChi juice. You will feel calmer for one!! Just reading about GoChi juice is pissing me off so much I, hold on...I better spray my grapefruit seed extract around my room...I think i'm getting a cough.
Genlux also suggests we consider iZO Cleanze. The promotional shot makes it look like a few glass mason jars filled with various solid colored liquids. "This vegan, raw, and gluten-free beverage removes toxins, parasites, and heavy metlas from the body, strengthens the immune system, aids in weight loss, and beautifies the skin, hair, teeth, and nails." When I read something is vegan, raw, and gluten-free my first guess is that it will taste like a tepid piece of moldy dog shit. I assume I'm right too.
BOY THAT SOLID GREEN LIQUID JAR SURE LOOKS TASTY!! I love how on their website they call it their "Signature Juice Feast!" Feast to me implies a abundant or excessive amount of food. Not solid mason jars of liquid that taste like Yak breath. Oh...did I mention a 1 day supply of "Cleanze" is 150 dollars. Celebrity testimonials abound on their website and in Genlux. Mary Kate Olsen uses this!! So does Mandy Moore!!! Yep, so basically if you are a famous woman and need lose a lot of weight in a short time before the Oscars or something only drinking liquid for 14 days is probably a good way to do it. Since I live in Los Angeles I can have this delivered to my door by 6 a.m. as well!!I also love how all these cleanses and "flushes" and "cleaners" all tap dance around the fact that what they're really saying is that you'll be on your toilet for a few hours shooting liquid from your ass. They talk about "bowel cleanses" but the reality is always less glamorous. Cleanse is a nice way to say things. What it should say is "nightmarish stomach cramps where you think a midget somehow smuggled himself into your stomach and is now pouring battery acid inside you as you cry to Zeus almighty to stop the pain from overtaking you."
Conclusion: Poor people don't care about cleansing because they are trying to survive. If you have too much money you start trying to make your "nails look healthier" by consuming obscene amounts of organic, free range, torture free, this is not a plastic bag, juices that are delivered to your house at 150 dollars a pop. Me? I'll stick with Coke and a Double Double Animal Style.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
I Beat the AV Club
I'm sure if you go to the Onion's AV Club you might have noticed that they blogged about "Funemployment" too. Well before you think ol' Brown Eyes (That's my new nickname and yeah its can be misinterpreted) ripped off the AVCLUB be aware I got my post about this well before they did!!
Their article was posted approximately 2:15pm today. Mine was done at 1 in the morning today. I DIDN'T PLAGARIZE!!!
AV Club Here: http://www.avclub.com/articles/funemployment-will-make-you-want-to-get-a-fun-perm,28809/
Yeah, take that haters.
Now something near and dear to my heart. The House of Hecker. Seeing the glorious rise of an automotive empire crumble has been somewhat tragic and bizarre. Denny Hecker aka That Dude who has his mug plastered all over the sides of buses and bus stops in the Twin Cities has hit rock bottom. He is being sued by everyone and according to the latest news, owes over 1 Billion Dollars to various people. A self made man that just hasn't been able to make it in this crap economy. I take solace in knowing one thing...America loves a comeback story.
Lastly the New York Times video section has this thing called Bloggingheads which is just two bloggers who are trying to dress professionally but just look stupid debate important issues of our time while wearing shitty microphone setups and recorded in low resolution webcams. I don't know who the man and woman were debating North Korea and possibilities that could lead to war but the entire premise of talking heads debating on cable, the internet, or radio is that those engaged in a debate have previous credibility so their opinions carry more weight. Obviously cable news has sometimes shredded this credibility but for the most part I play along and everything is fine. On the other hand, why should I listen to two people arguing on the internet? There is no credibility and a lot of porn. Speaking of which, I have some "research" to do.
Their article was posted approximately 2:15pm today. Mine was done at 1 in the morning today. I DIDN'T PLAGARIZE!!!
AV Club Here: http://www.avclub.com/articles/funemployment-will-make-you-want-to-get-a-fun-perm,28809/
Yeah, take that haters.
Now something near and dear to my heart. The House of Hecker. Seeing the glorious rise of an automotive empire crumble has been somewhat tragic and bizarre. Denny Hecker aka That Dude who has his mug plastered all over the sides of buses and bus stops in the Twin Cities has hit rock bottom. He is being sued by everyone and according to the latest news, owes over 1 Billion Dollars to various people. A self made man that just hasn't been able to make it in this crap economy. I take solace in knowing one thing...America loves a comeback story.
Lastly the New York Times video section has this thing called Bloggingheads which is just two bloggers who are trying to dress professionally but just look stupid debate important issues of our time while wearing shitty microphone setups and recorded in low resolution webcams. I don't know who the man and woman were debating North Korea and possibilities that could lead to war but the entire premise of talking heads debating on cable, the internet, or radio is that those engaged in a debate have previous credibility so their opinions carry more weight. Obviously cable news has sometimes shredded this credibility but for the most part I play along and everything is fine. On the other hand, why should I listen to two people arguing on the internet? There is no credibility and a lot of porn. Speaking of which, I have some "research" to do.
Dear L.A. Times, Eat Shit
According to my dentist my teeth are kind of jacked. I don't have an cavities which is a plus but I have some sort of enamel or bone loss that is bad. Also bad is that I'm broke (as a mother fucking) joke. How much of this is important? None really. I intend to continue to drink Coke until it rots my teeth away. I hope within the next 15 years they will have some sort of Stem-Cell rub that I can gurgle and make my teeth better.
I'm pretty late to the party but I will say that I just read The Road by one Mr. Cormac McCarthy. Not as harrowing or nightmarish as the hype would have you think, but certainly not the bed time story for little Timmy either.
But enough about me and my pursuits of intellectual freedom. Let's get down to why I'm telling the L.A. Times to "eat shit" and if they have time, go away and "die."
Headline Reads: For the 'funemployed,' unemployement is welcome
Let me sum up this little article for you. People who are rich or had lots of money saved up are not rushing back to getting jobs. I hold no ill will for those who had a great job and then sadly got laid off. If they aren't rushing back to get a job and taking advantage of unemployment then good for them. On the other hand.
"I feel like I've been given a gift of time and clarity," said Aubrey Howell, 29, of Franklin, Tenn., who was laid off from her job as a tea shop manager in April. After sleeping in late and visiting family in Florida, she recently mused on Twitter: "Unemployment or funemployment?"
Seriously? You wrote that on your twitter feed? Funemployment? How about go kill yourself. While we're at it I might note I'm currently working in a job I hate with all my being dealing with rich people who have more money than I have ever earned and or dreamed of in my life all while they treat me like shit and laugh about it and then go buy a 24 dollar organic dog bone for their puppy.
For many younger people, Twenge said, work is less central to their lives. These days, more people than in the 1970s are saying they want jobs with a lot of vacation time, according to preliminary data from Twenge's generational surveys. Younger employees today also are less willing to work overtime. And, when asked if they would quit their jobs if they had money, more are answering "yes," though the majority still say they would continue working.
What a great study. News flash. If you gave me 1 million dollars right now I would sit on my ass and drink and go do fun things. Work is typically shitty and for most people it is merely tolerable and for some lucky folks its actually pretty good with moments of stress.
Deemer, an independent filmmaker who also worked at CNET and about.com, said he actually enjoyed corporate America, up until November when the Internet start-up he was working for failed to get financing. After it tanked, he sold his New York apartment, put his belongings in storage, turned his parents' Beijing home into base camp, and embarked on a spiritual quest to find various mystics and shamans around Asia.
OHH YEAH!!! I'M JUST LIKE ANDY DEEMER. My startup failed bro!!! Now I'm going to use my parents Beijing home as my base camp and go travel around Asia and then I....OH FUCKING WAIT. My parents live in rural Minnesota and they're not rich and I don't even own a fucking car. I'm poor. Guess what. I'm fucking bitter too when I read about people who are having their funemployment time. Do I want the world to give me money and shower me with gifts beyond my wildest dreams of avarice??!?! Yeah, but I know it won't happen. That said, don't patronize me with stupid articles about how fun not having a job is. If I lost my job tomorrow, I'd be fucking terrified about how I'm going to continue to make student loan payments. My savings account is flush with about 12 dollars right now. They say you should have at least 6 months expenses saved away. I have about 2 days worth if I hit up the dollar menu.
To conclude...I'm currently taking donations for my own 'STAYCATION' and 'FUNEMPLOYMENT' time.
NOTE:
STILL EARGERLY AWAITING THE RELEASE OF DR. DRE'S ALBUM DETOX!
I'm pretty late to the party but I will say that I just read The Road by one Mr. Cormac McCarthy. Not as harrowing or nightmarish as the hype would have you think, but certainly not the bed time story for little Timmy either.
But enough about me and my pursuits of intellectual freedom. Let's get down to why I'm telling the L.A. Times to "eat shit" and if they have time, go away and "die."
Headline Reads: For the 'funemployed,' unemployement is welcome
Let me sum up this little article for you. People who are rich or had lots of money saved up are not rushing back to getting jobs. I hold no ill will for those who had a great job and then sadly got laid off. If they aren't rushing back to get a job and taking advantage of unemployment then good for them. On the other hand.
"I feel like I've been given a gift of time and clarity," said Aubrey Howell, 29, of Franklin, Tenn., who was laid off from her job as a tea shop manager in April. After sleeping in late and visiting family in Florida, she recently mused on Twitter: "Unemployment or funemployment?"
Seriously? You wrote that on your twitter feed? Funemployment? How about go kill yourself. While we're at it I might note I'm currently working in a job I hate with all my being dealing with rich people who have more money than I have ever earned and or dreamed of in my life all while they treat me like shit and laugh about it and then go buy a 24 dollar organic dog bone for their puppy.
For many younger people, Twenge said, work is less central to their lives. These days, more people than in the 1970s are saying they want jobs with a lot of vacation time, according to preliminary data from Twenge's generational surveys. Younger employees today also are less willing to work overtime. And, when asked if they would quit their jobs if they had money, more are answering "yes," though the majority still say they would continue working.
What a great study. News flash. If you gave me 1 million dollars right now I would sit on my ass and drink and go do fun things. Work is typically shitty and for most people it is merely tolerable and for some lucky folks its actually pretty good with moments of stress.
Deemer, an independent filmmaker who also worked at CNET and about.com, said he actually enjoyed corporate America, up until November when the Internet start-up he was working for failed to get financing. After it tanked, he sold his New York apartment, put his belongings in storage, turned his parents' Beijing home into base camp, and embarked on a spiritual quest to find various mystics and shamans around Asia.
OHH YEAH!!! I'M JUST LIKE ANDY DEEMER. My startup failed bro!!! Now I'm going to use my parents Beijing home as my base camp and go travel around Asia and then I....OH FUCKING WAIT. My parents live in rural Minnesota and they're not rich and I don't even own a fucking car. I'm poor. Guess what. I'm fucking bitter too when I read about people who are having their funemployment time. Do I want the world to give me money and shower me with gifts beyond my wildest dreams of avarice??!?! Yeah, but I know it won't happen. That said, don't patronize me with stupid articles about how fun not having a job is. If I lost my job tomorrow, I'd be fucking terrified about how I'm going to continue to make student loan payments. My savings account is flush with about 12 dollars right now. They say you should have at least 6 months expenses saved away. I have about 2 days worth if I hit up the dollar menu.
To conclude...I'm currently taking donations for my own 'STAYCATION' and 'FUNEMPLOYMENT' time.
NOTE:
STILL EARGERLY AWAITING THE RELEASE OF DR. DRE'S ALBUM DETOX!
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
The Passion of the Scott
I don't really like to talk or write about myself. It is a bit too easy to try to talk ones self up. Of course by giving the title of this post 'The Passion of the Scott' I pretty much pointed out how I am a Christ like figure. My "passion" is not about getting beat the holy hell out of though. Mine is simple. I wake up in the morning (no mom gives out a warning) and I have the day off. I rise and prepare to go to the Indian (as in India, not as in those dudes who call corn maize) place near my house and skateboard down a hill towards the destination. I arrive, already mentally prepared to feast and when I get there the damn place is closed. No sign, no notice, just that its not open right now. To clarify, the place is not closed forever, just not open right now. This pisses me off and I look in through the tinted windows. I see nothing....except some dude sleeping on a couch in the little lobby area? So basically I didn't get the lunch I wanted because they either did not open for lunch today or the chef/owner/random dude didn't want to wake up.
To radically shift gears, I watched Cliffhanger again last night on Hulu. Now, I am too lazy to search through my post history but I think I might have mentioned Cliffhanger just weeks ago. Never the less, Michael Rooker probably best known for his starring role in Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer and probably also Rowdy Burns in Days of Thunder is a tour-de-force in the film. And by Tour-De-Force, I mean he literally spends 3/4ths of his lines and time on screen running in slow motion whilst screaming/yelling for another character to "RUNNN!!!!" or "GET THE HELL OUT THERE!!!!" The other 1/4th of screen time is him getting punched, pistol whipped, kicked, and generally getting the shit kicked out of him. If I had a DVD of Cliffhanger I would rip it and upload a compilation of all his screams/yells/getting hurt scenes in Cliffhanger...it would be 15 minutes long.
Finally, I end up living in a rather insular world. I have already pointed out I'm not really into music that much. If Third Eye Blind is playing on the radio thats just fine with me. Evidently the newest craze is a gal named Lady Ga Ga (according to my google search I guess its GAGA). I am dead serious when I say I've never heard a song she has done nor could I tell you where she is from, what type of music she does, or if this is all a big practical joke being perpetrated by the Illuminati to make Scott feel stupid. I did just see her on the cover of Rolling Stone for the most part naked.
(Side Bar: I hate how Rolling Stone is now just a regular sized magazine. Not sure when this happened but I'm sure they played it off like they're going green or some stupid bullshit. Oh boy, we saved 100 trees!! Who cares, I want my oversized magazine when I take a dump.)
Anyhow, you might be asking yourselves, "But Scott, what brings this sudden onset of Lady Gaga into your world and why?!" Well my loyal readers, its because of The Onion's actual and usually well written evil twin, The AV Club. There is some interview with her that is posted in the video section where she talks about a few random things with some British Interviewer. Highlights of the interview include how she only wants huge cocks in sexual partners (WHO DOESN'T?!), how she might be bi-sexual (who isn't these days?!?), and how she can't even remember that music is supposedly her passion. The following exchange goes like this,
"That reduces my ambitions to sex, fame, and . . . what's the other one?"
"Music."
"Yeah. . ."
Watch the interview if you want to hate life.
To radically shift gears, I watched Cliffhanger again last night on Hulu. Now, I am too lazy to search through my post history but I think I might have mentioned Cliffhanger just weeks ago. Never the less, Michael Rooker probably best known for his starring role in Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer and probably also Rowdy Burns in Days of Thunder is a tour-de-force in the film. And by Tour-De-Force, I mean he literally spends 3/4ths of his lines and time on screen running in slow motion whilst screaming/yelling for another character to "RUNNN!!!!" or "GET THE HELL OUT THERE!!!!" The other 1/4th of screen time is him getting punched, pistol whipped, kicked, and generally getting the shit kicked out of him. If I had a DVD of Cliffhanger I would rip it and upload a compilation of all his screams/yells/getting hurt scenes in Cliffhanger...it would be 15 minutes long.
Finally, I end up living in a rather insular world. I have already pointed out I'm not really into music that much. If Third Eye Blind is playing on the radio thats just fine with me. Evidently the newest craze is a gal named Lady Ga Ga (according to my google search I guess its GAGA). I am dead serious when I say I've never heard a song she has done nor could I tell you where she is from, what type of music she does, or if this is all a big practical joke being perpetrated by the Illuminati to make Scott feel stupid. I did just see her on the cover of Rolling Stone for the most part naked.
(Side Bar: I hate how Rolling Stone is now just a regular sized magazine. Not sure when this happened but I'm sure they played it off like they're going green or some stupid bullshit. Oh boy, we saved 100 trees!! Who cares, I want my oversized magazine when I take a dump.)
Anyhow, you might be asking yourselves, "But Scott, what brings this sudden onset of Lady Gaga into your world and why?!" Well my loyal readers, its because of The Onion's actual and usually well written evil twin, The AV Club. There is some interview with her that is posted in the video section where she talks about a few random things with some British Interviewer. Highlights of the interview include how she only wants huge cocks in sexual partners (WHO DOESN'T?!), how she might be bi-sexual (who isn't these days?!?), and how she can't even remember that music is supposedly her passion. The following exchange goes like this,
"That reduces my ambitions to sex, fame, and . . . what's the other one?"
"Music."
"Yeah. . ."
Watch the interview if you want to hate life.
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