Being A Bus Driver Makes You An Asshole

So I'm waiting for the bus and a guy comes up to me asking for change...he needs 30 cents so he can get on the bus. I don't have any money because I'm poor as hell, but I wish him well. So he goes to ask a few other people for 30 cents. The bus arrives and I get on paying my way. I'm the last of 3 people on the bus. I basically had just dropped my money in the slot and the door just closed and the guy comes running up saying "HOLD UP WOAH WOAH." We hadn't even pulled away yet and the bus driver doesn't open the door or stop or anything. He just pulls away as the guy is pleading for the bus driver to stop.

What a fucking asshole. Then as I sit down I hear him audibly say "We're already 4 minutes behind" and then he mumbles something else about him not stopping. First of all, public transit serves the people...hence it being called "Public Transit." It does no good not to pick people up who want to use the bus and who have the money. Secondly, already "being behind" doesn't really mean shit. The bus driver was just being an asshole...and its not like him waiting 10 more seconds would have mattered. The guy trying to get on wasn't chasing the bus down as it pulled away...he basically missed getting on by mere seconds and the bus driver was a dickhead. Lastly, the man trying to catch the bus was an unkempt man and not an attractive stunning woman...so I have a feeling that we would have had different results if we had different people. In conclusion, what a fucking dick.

I Have Looked God In the Face

So much drama on the bus. I was riding the other day and we pick up two rather scraggly looking guys. One guy has his bus ticket and scans it in and sits down. The other doesn't. The bus driver and the other rider are at an impasse. He continues to mumble and shuffle through his pockets looking for his ticket while the bus driver continues to state that "IF you don't pay you don't ride." So the bus is sitting at the stop and not moving while we all wait for this stunning showdown to finish. And we wait....and wait. For about 5 minutes this guy who I would guess is homeless...or just poorly groomed is looking for his bus pass.

An irate rider of the bus sitting in the back decides to break the tension with a well placed "Get the fuck off the bus." He repeats this phrase a few times. Finally the bus driver tells them to get off the bus. The two men don't get off the bus. We sit for another minute. "Get off the fucking bus" can be heard several more times. The two men finally depart but not before one of the scruffy men looks to the back of the bus and says, "Fuck you fag...I will kick your ass."

Another day in the life of Metro Transit. Keep in mind I have ridden the bus maybe 9 or 10 times since June. My riding-to-insane story ratio is pretty high. I am thinking I have to start riding more and just bringing a video camera.

You Don't Have to Pay To Ride The Bus

It is cold out right now. I rode the bus today. This one guy got on the bus though and sat down and just straight up didn't pay. I was impressed. The bus driver asked him if he was planning on paying and he said "yeah." Then he didn't. I guess the bus is free from now on...I'm just not going to pay.

HOLY SHIT

I'm at work right...I just did one post but I had to post this now. I am sitting at the desk where I work and they have a TV hooked up. I promised you all a critical film study on Encino Man but I was really not in the mood to talk about it...much....at all! Then I turn it to TBS and what movie is fucking playing?! ENCINO MAN

SO ANYWAYS I TUNE IN TO SEE MY FAVORITE SCENE. Said Encino Man Brendan Fraser has already slightly assimilated in early 90's southern California Culture. He is currently a drain on Public Education as he is attending school and they are at a museum. As fate would have it they enter an exhibit (perhaps this was a Science Museum) where there are cavemen displays and it points out how they went extinct. Like a Vietnam Veteran scarred from actions and events that would make and do indeed make grown men cry, Mr. Encino Man starts to have flashbacks/memories that are indeed haunting. This small attempt at humanizing our caveman friend are largely forgotten as the movie progresses though. Instead we as an audience are pummeled with hilarious one liners from Paulie Shore aka THE WEASEL.

I really want to thank Hollywood and TBS and everyone else who made this post possible. Perhaps there are more Encino Man musings on the horizon.

Running Zack

Running Zack. This might not mean a lot to most of you, but it means a great deal to me. Running Zack is the name of one of the greatest Saved by the Bell episodes of all time. Zack Morris is good at track, but to be able to compete against their arch rival high school Valley, he must get a good grade on his report. His report is about family history and he finds out he is part Indian. So Zack meets Chief Henry. Fun is had by all....did I mention Chief Henry dies in the episode and Zack is visited by his ghost.

Right, so I just googled Running Zack in the midst of writing this and I've found others have commented on this episode. I guess I'm not as original or clever as I thought.

Anyhow, my favorite part about Saved by the Bell is that despite their hatred for Valley, you basically never saw any sporting events actually occur. There was the odd wrestling match and for some reason wrestling was very popular at this California high school...but otherwise you never actually saw any athletics occur. Tragic. I'd like to point out also that Bayside also has an elevator in the school that is used once...but only as a plot device for people get trapped in it via earthquake. THE MORE YOU KNOW

California Dreamin'

I was in the family sedan with the family on the way home from a Thanksgiving feast and we had it tuned into the Oldies Station. Shitty. What wasn't shitty was the Mama's and The Papa's song "California Dreamin" came on. Great song....it also made me realize that what we need more of are FLUTE SOLO'S. We all have heard guitar solos, drum solos, why not Flute?!

Louis Gossett Jr.

Try story, this guy is still alive and working. Actually according to IMDB he is working rather healthily and I praise him. Hes doing voice work in a lot of things which is cool. The point of this post though isn't to reminise about how great Gossett has been...but rather to expose some of the low points in his career. Ok not even that. This is just to make fun of the Iron Eagle series and the movie Toy Soliders.

Iron Eagle came out in 1986. A weak wannabe Top Gun that didn't have the budget that Top Gun had and basically was not good. It was a laughable 80's film. Here is where things get funny though. Top Gun spawned no sequels...Iron Eagle spawned 3 more movies! By Iron Eagle III we're dealing with prop planes attacking other planes to stop some random drug lord...or something. Its fucking terrible. Louis Gossett Jr. has an Oscar also. Why does this matter? Because its probably one of the few Oscars that the Academy wishes they could take back.

The other movie I want to talk about is Toy Soldiers. Toy Soldiers is a harrowing tale of a prep school for boys being taken over by Colombian terrorists. I just saw this on tv today and the first thing that blew my mind was this movie clearly had some sort of budget. There is a big action set piece at the end and it had multiple blackhawk helicopters and an Apache helo too. The movie turns into a kind of Great Escape adolescent teen film where the kids come up with multiple "Macgyver" like contraptions and traps to outwit the terrorists. This movie even has Sean Astin in it. So where does the LOU man fit in? Well he is the hardass teacher Dean Parker. Instead of summarizing the movie I'm going to ruin it for you. The head terrorist dies when Lou jumps through a window and shoots the terrorist but not before getting shot right in the left lung. The best part about it though is that Gossett just shrugs the gun shot off. He is shot in the left lung and he is able to walk out with just a bandage over his wound. True American Hero Folks.

An Open Letter

Supposed to be doing a paper...so instead I'll blog. I present you an Open Letter to Robin Williams:

Dear Mr. Williams,

Stop being in movies and polluting our lives. The only thing more frightening than your hyper insane rants on late night talk shows that are a cross between a coke induced fervor and the mumblings of that homeless guy who hangs out around campus is that you are way hairier than that homeless guy. You on occasion manage to entertain, but then I realize you did Bicentennial Man and it makes me hate you again. I'll admit, I liked you in The Birdcage. Awakenings was pretty good too. So let me say that this is not an outright hate fest directed at you. I also hear you are a big videogame nerd...which is cool. Oh damnit this is turning into an apologist letter...so to get back to where I was I don't like you being the freaky photo guy. I don't like you being the wacky doctor. I certainly didn't like how the previews for License to Wed looked as they were plastered all over LA when I visited last time. What I'm trying to say is when are we getting the sequel to your movie Toys?

Also time for a brief confession. I while working at Blockbuster often read US Weekly. That magazine was actually pretty awesome in that my favorite part of every new US weekly was obviously the "THEY'RE JUST LIKE US" in which celebrities are photographed 24/7 and at some point during this constant surveillance it turns out they do things just like the common scum like myself who read it. Things like "JENNIFER ANISTON IS JUST LIKE US BECAUSE SHE CLUTCHES A PAPER UNDER HER ARM WHILE OPENING HER CAR DOOR." She is also just like us in that her car costs 92,000 dollars and she lives in a 9 million dollar Malibu mansion half the year! Or maybe its something like "THAT CHICK FROM THE OC DRINKS BIG COFFEES FROM STARBUCKS JUST LIKE US!!!" Its pretty illuminating. As it turns out celebrities aren't robots....well except Howie Mandel...that guy is a robot.

P.S. Dear Landlord,

Turn the heat up or I will die.

Lazy

I'm not really feeling the whole Encino Man vibe at this point. So I'm going to avoid doing it for a few more days. In its place I first give you a link to a Kids In The Hall skit that I am very fond of. If you don't like this one....we cannot be friends: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlJey3mi8BI

I think the most stunning news in the last few weeks though is that the terrible sitcom Cavemen has yet to be canceled. The sitcom based on the Geico commercials...weird right? Well actually I've never watched an episode yet so I may be completely off base. I had made a Cancellation Watch Countdown on my wall and I did not expect this show to make it past 3 episodes yet it is still chugging along valiantly.

I would also like to point out that I basically never go to music concerts. I don't like to shatter the illusion of a perfect studio recording. That said I am waiting for the Beastie Boys to start going on tour again. They've been half assing it way too long. They go do 14 shows in Manhattan and then 5 on the West Coast...but thats it. Boo-urns. Guitar Hero 3 and me playing Sabotage is getting me hyped on the eventual return of the Beastie Boys to play in concert somewhere in the twin cities area.

Lastly, I have a complaint to make. In the theatrical release of Knocked Up at the very beginning there were several jokes involving nudity in movies. One in particular referenced the three breasted alien in Total Recall. The line "DAMNIT COHAGEN GIVE THESE PEOPLE AIR" was stated by Jason Segel who's character is named Jason in that movie. You may know him from such tv series as How I met Your Mother, Undeclared, and or Freaks and Geeks. So he says that line, which really kills me...because I have an unhealthy obsession with Total Recall...and now on the fucking DVD release they CUT THE FUCKING JOKE OUT!!! I'm pretty much outraged at this...how can you cut out THAT JOKE?!?! WHY WHY WHY?!!?! I will personally draft a angry letter and mail it to Judd Apatow.

American Spirit Cigarettes

You know who buys those cigarettes? HIPPIES!!! This is the fair trade coffee of the cigarette world.

Just kidding. I mean if you buy them that is cool, I don't actually hate you. This was just filler since I really didn't feel like writing my dissertation on Encino Man yet. So there we have it.

Teaser: Encino Man

First of all you know this movie is good because of all the clever plays on words they use in this poster. For example, "Chillin new comedy in full Neandervision." What the fuck is Neandervision? Prepare for the review coming soon.

Critical Film Analysis: Cobra

Keeping with the whole Sly Stallone motif, I'm going to review another Stallone classic. This time around the movie is Cobra. So in the movie Stallone plays a hard nosed cop named Marion Cobretti. At this point you know the movie is fucking insane. His name is Cobretti for god sakes. I haven't even told you anything about this movie besides the fact that Stallone is a cop named Marion Cobretti but you should already be forming this hilarious picture in your head. So you have the movie opening with this deranged gunman holding a grocery store hostage. The grocery store is pretty terrible and one thing that stuck out to me is some of the aisles were extremely narrow. This is pretty terrible planning by the grocery store. In any event, bad guy takes many hostage and kills a few people along the way.

ENTER STAGE LEFT: Cobretti who happens to drive a 1950 Mercury. He drives this and you know its awesome because his license plate is "AWSOM50." Either way there is no time to negotiate, he simply goes in and insults the hostage taker by saying, "You're a lousy shot (Gulps beer) I don't like lousy shots." After killing the guy he goes home to his beautiful beach side apartment where he promptly eats day old pizza. Exciting right? Well it gets more exciting as it turns out that recent hostage taking and a whole host of murders is related to a weird gang who plans on killing everyone as part of a new world order. At this point Bridget Nielsen (you may remember her from such hits as Rocky IV or Flavor of Love) enters the movie. She is a model or something, the cult tries to kill her but she escapes. To truncate this a bit Cobretti is now protecting her and the cops decide the best thing to do is hide out in some crappy town. Well this bizarre gang who has a thing for axes decides to go into this town and basically go ape shit. This leads to about 20 minutes of insane action which climaxes in a hand to hand dual between the gang leader and stallone. It ultimately ends when Cobretti impales the guy and he is then incinerated...yes he is lit on fire. They are fighting in some steel mill...makes perfect sense right?

I think the important thing to remember is that Stallone turned down Beverly Hills Cop to be in this piece of shit. Good thinking right? Although I cannot honestly picture Stallone in Beverly Hills Cop. In conclusion, Stallone is the best actor ever. Remember this when you watch Over the top.

Alert: Be on the lookout for my next review. Encino Man starring THE WEASEL

Critical Film Analysis: Rocky V

Rocky V is one of those films that most people have actually watched, but few will actually acknowledge that they did. I should first state that I love the Rocky series to death including the recently released movie Rocky Balboa, but it is pretty much universally accepted that Rocky V is not only terrible, but should not even be acknowledged. Even cable television has recognized this fact. You'll get a Rocky marathon on TBS or Spike but they won't show the fifth entry.

The movie opens with the titular character Rocky returning from Russia after defeating Ivan Drago, destorying communism, and getting punched so hard his face should have collapsed. So Rocky returns home and bizarro Don King attempts to get him to fight a new challenger but Adrian protests. Does this sound familiar? Adrian has been standing in Rocky's way to fight for the better part of two decades. All is well and good until there is a revelation. Paulie (Adrian's drunk ass brother) has somehow signed power of attorney to the accountant who was flipping real estate and blown all of Rocky's money. This is where the film gets really bad but I should comment on a few things. First of all, I don't buy that Paulie could
somehow sign over power of attorney. The more puzzling thing is that Rocky is somehow forced to move back to the same neighborhood that he started in. Rocky just defeated communism. Shouldn't the president help him out? Or maybe the millions of professional contacts he has? Move in to Apollo's old house...he sure isn't using it. Just endorse some crappy products ala Rocky II. HE KNOWS HOW TO READ NOW!! Blah.

This sets the stage for an upcoming boxer who Rocky takes under his wing. Rockys son gets bitter that he is not being shown as much attention so in response he starts hanging out with the "bad crowd." And by bad crowd I mean he starts wearing this absurdly large earring and smokes a cigarette!! I'm actually getting angry as I write this so I'm going to quickly summarize what happens next. Tommy "the machine" Gunn is who he was mentoring. He gets pissed and leaves...then comes back to challenge Rocky to a street fight. They fight in the street, its really stupid and Rocky remains poor. WHAT THE HELL. Terrible movie. TERRIBLE MOVIE. Its probably one of my least favorite movies of all time.

Oft Neglected

I said I was going to do this blog fulltime and I have failed at my duties. MY B. I'll be doing another installment of Critical Film Analysis later this week. Definitely leading towards Commando but I am also considering all of Stallone's body of work. Throw Mama from the Train could be the winner!

If you want proof Hollywood is by and large completely devoid of any sane people working at the studios...I give you this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Ii1N78Sm0

A trailer for the new movie: Meet the Spartans. Wow, this is fucking terrible. I mean jesus I did not even smirk. Well I did once I started reading the Youtube comments. Always a bastion for intelligent discourse you get people who actually liked this. I weep for the future.

Attention Hollywood

Hollywood, I realize you love sequels. Hell, most of the biggest movies this past summer were sequels. The one thing I want to know is where is my sequel to one of the greatest movies ever?! Of course I'm talking about the incredible character driven comedy with Jon Lovitz. That being, High School High!! It doesn't really get any better than that movie. We have Tia Carrera who I think was legitimately funny and should have been in more movies. Then there is really stupid racial stereotypes. Its a simple request...we need more High School High. Complete the thrillogy.

You'd Think, but You would be Wrong

I'm wondering why its illegal to burn garbage in the city...sure its bad for air quality, health, etc. But I can assure you one thing. It would be a lot cheaper than paying the city to haul it away!!

Also: Duran Duran Top 5 Songs of All Time:


1. Hungry Like the Wolf
2. Ordinary World
3. Rio
4. Is there something I should know?
5. A view to a Kill

Honorable Mention: Electric Barbarella

John Hardy's

John Hardy's is the best place to eat in Rochester, Minnesota. Scratch that, the best place to eat in Southeastern Minnesota. Scratch that, its the best place to eat in the state. Its got the best barbecue in Minnesota. Fuck the haters, this is the best place to eat in the state. Why? Can you get fried okra at Famous Daves??? NO. This is legit southern barbecue...and I'm not talking about Texas BBQ...that sucks. I'm talking vinegar based sauces...none of that sweet crap. Try the ham too. Seriously...try the turkey also. Try the beans.


More food facts:

-Vanilla Soy milk on certain cereals is amazing!
-Biting into an apple you thought was fresh but was really old and soggy is not so amazing!
-Death Proof was better than Planet Terror

Whats The Deal With...

Glenn Beck and Nancy Grace. Please both go die in a fire.

Also have you ever been listening to music and just that perfect song comes up that totally fits the mood of how you're feeling, or what the mood of the day is, or some other external event is playing out and that one perfect song comes up on the radio or your ipod? Well today I was riding my bike over the 10th ave Bridge and I'm gazing out on what was formerly the I35 bridge that collapsed. The beautiful blue sky, slightly overcast and then the next song on my iPod came up....Wesley Willis. MOOD RUINED.

I Live In Hell

It is way too fucking hot in my apartment. So for the blogosphere today, I give you this...the NHL season is close and I'm excited. That is all.

IF I DID IT

The book IF I DID IT is the controversial book by O.J. Simpson where he writes in the perspective of if he actually did commit the crimes he was charged with over a decade ago, this is how it would go down. After the outrage of this entirely hilarious and terrible premise leaked, the book was presumably pulled to never see the light of day. I was able to secure a copy via internets though and I have yet to read it.

Now I hear If I Did It will be coming out anyways. That kind of sucks. I liked being special, having a copy of a book that never was released. In any event, this is really terrible. I feel bad for "The Juice's" children. On the other hand, O.J. is clearly in Michael Jackson level celebrity territory...being that you never know what they'll do next. I'll be reading this before classes start again. Expect a full report.

Things I've Never Understood

A Few Things I've Never Understood:

-Madea's ______ ________. Obviously Tyler Perry is some sort of magician because he manages to keep getting work. Seriously, its terrible. I had the honor of watching many a preview for Madea's Family Reunion while working at Blockbuster. It was not a pleasant time.

-Why The Simpsons stays on the air?! I love this show to death, but please put it down now. Of course this has been said Ad-naseum in the nerd-o-sphere but its true. The fact that many people think Family Guy is better than The Simpsons is enough to make me vomit.

-Dane Cook has clearly outworn his welcome in most peoples minds. What I'm more concerned about is the fact that the last picture I saw of him for promotion of his new movie makes it look like his face has aged 15 years. WHY?

-Zach Braff. Fuck off. I wanted to like you. Scrubs is funny. The other day I'm watching HBO and on comes that movie that isn't Garden State but might as well be. The plot was such, "I am being sad, and this attractive college girl wants to have sex with me. I'm sad. " Then the movie ended with him laying out on a porch while it rains and he does that sad face. Then someone lets him come in the house. FIN. What did I just watch?

-When did Donald Trump become sort of relevant but only as a late night punchline? I actually want more Donald Trump exposure. So he becomes really fucking annoying. I want to hate him a lot more than I do now. So please, NBC bring back Trump in every way you can. Let him guest host The Today Show, SNL, and The Tonight Show.

The Triumphant Return of Ja Rule

This post has nothing to do with Ja Rule, simply that I think I should make sure that everyone remembers him and how awesome he is.


What this post is actually about is Part 2 of the Critical Film Analysis series. This week I'll be critically analyzing the great Jean Claude Van Damme movie Hard Target. I'm not going to bother in describing the plot like I did with Surviving the Game because I'm too lazy to right now. What I will tell you is some of the great portions of the film. For one, you have a intense mullet from Van Damme. I'm pretty sure he could be on the first line of some hockey team with this hair. Secondly, you have Wilford Brimley. Yes, the Quaker Oats guy and the "Diabeetus" guy is in this movie as "Uncle Douvee" a moon shining old bastard who happens to be a marksman with a bow and arrow.

It gets better though. The main bad guy is Lance Henriksen and he has a host of henchman including the mummy from The Mummy and it also has Sven-Ole Thorsen who is basically the journeyman of movie henchman and random badguys. He happened to be in another classic, The Running Man. The action ranges from pretty good to pretty damn insane. Sequences include lots of slow-mo, an SUV exploding from a couple pistol shots, and really stupid slow motion jumps. You may have noticed I mentioned slow motion twice...well there is a lot of it.

My favorite scene though is when after Brimley has been shot...or maybe it was stabbed, and Van Damme is raging, he lets out one of his signature kicks and during this really long kick he has 'flashbacks/visions' of all the transgressions made against him throughout the movie. The bizarre part is there are things that he had no way of seeing that he is evidently 'remembering.' Of course there is the ending which is really funny in a stupid way. I'll let youtube show you what I mean. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVxzDI0w4gE

In the end, this is probably the best movie ever.

Hulk Hogan's Son in Car Crash/The Day Everything Changed

Before I start, I just want to say that I want you all to go about your daily schedules. Go see Superbad, go to the mall, go buy overpriced weird things at the Sharper Image. We must stand strong in these dark days. Like the mythical Phoenix, we as a collective shall also rise from the ashes to start anew.

Oh, yeah and some "Alberto Gonzales" guy resigned or something. Who cares, Nick Hogan could have got hurt.

Walk the Dinosaur or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Walk the Dinosaur

So I'm on my way home from work and the radio is precariously tuned to JackFM. Its a five minute drive, but thank god I got in the car just as a new song was coming on. What song you ask? Why its none other than the smash hit "Walk the Dinosaur" from Was Not Was.

If you're not aware of this hit, then I suggest you google it. I'll post the main hook though.

Open the door
get on the floor
everybody walk the dinosaur.
Open the door
get on the floor
everybody walk the dinosaur.

This song made it to #7 on the US Billboard Charts. Thank you 1980's, the best decade ever.

People I Hate: Volume 1

I fucking hate people who "don't watch TV." And I'm not talking about the Amish, or people who can't afford cable...I'm talking about the people who make that snide remark with the exasperated tone like they don't have the time of day to waste on the "idiot box." FUCK YOU. For one, there is a lot of good things on television...even things that would probably make you're pretentious ass smile. Secondly, get over it...or go join the Amish.

Sean Astin's Finest

This is not going to be a movie review, rather like any good citizen I was on Facebook while at work. I was browsing random college network stats and found out that at Notre Dame, the most popular movie is Rudy. Thats cute...I guess.

At the University of Minnesota our top movie according to Facebook Stats is Wedding Crashers, which is pretty fucking lame for most popular movie. Actually after browsing a lot of random college networks it becomes painfully clear that the college body population loves the shit out of Wedding Crashers, Harry Potter, and Jack Johnson (musician) who I must admit, I've never even heard of. Even Ivy League schools love Jack Johnson and Harry Potter. After going through a lot of random friends facebook schools I finally struck gold. Sarah Lawrence finally bucks the trend of Wedding Crashers/Boondock Saints wankfest. The student body at large has selected Amelie as their top film. I am simultaneously applauding picking a different movie whilst I gag myself on the pretentiousness of the East Coast Bias world. They also list Eternal Sunshine, Donnie Darko, and Pulp Fiction. Thankfully they avoid the Jack Johnson love fest as he is no where to be found in the top 10!!! And in a shocking number 1 spot, they award "WRITING" as their favorite interest.

A quick google search and wikipedia skim lead me to believe Jack Johnson is probably some hippy freak jam band guy, which would explain why MIT does not have him listed either...you know, no hippies or girls for distraction. MIT gets props for having Queen in their top 10 though. Jumping to Brown, they get the distinction of being super huge hippies. Their number 1 interest is Ultimate Frisbee....there is a joke there somewhere.

I want to revisit the New York area just once more. NYU lists Love Actually as their second most popular movie. Now either the film majors out in NYU are in really small numbers, the rest of the NYU student body loves crappy movies, or this is some sick joke. I do like Juilliard's answers though. Top interests are Dancin around, Curling up on the couch with a nice red wine and a good movie, and oddly enough Buffalo Sabres.

What can we draw from all this? I waste a lot of time.

Back and to the Left

I shot JFK and the Governor in one shot. I am better than Oswald.

Chocolate Milk and Its Many Impersonators

So I'd qualify myself by saying I'm partially lactose intolerant, meaning I can have dairy but if I have a bit too much I'll feel like shit. Last year during a boring history lecture I was really craving chocolate milk so I bought two bottles of it at the store in the "skyway" between Blegen and Wiley. Needless to say I powered it down but in about 15 minutes I felt like death. So I pretty much exclusively drink soy chocolate milk now...and its really good.

This brings me to my next point. Some cereals will market themselves as doing two things, being a good start to the morning but also turning your white milk into chocolate milk. The problem I've always had with this is that you get really sugary chocolate milk and the whole charade of it becoming chocolate milk, thus being somehow more desirable always struck me as false. In particular, the whole osmosis of the chocolate 'juices' seems wrong. Its like the cocoa puffs or whatever chocolate cereal is just secreting its chocolate waste for you to drink. NOT COOL.

Also thanks to wikipedia: In music, becoming mainstream with rapper Nelly's song "Country Grammar", the term "Cocoa Puffs" refers to lightly sprinkling Cocaine over Marijuana, which is typically smoked through a pipe. "Cocoa" refers to Cocaine; "Puffs" refers to the act of smoking the mix.

Shine on You Crazy Diamond

First, I must give a shout out to my 3 readers. You know who you are!

I have a lot of time to waste at my night job, which I'm at right now. First and foremost I have to say that I've learned a lot about myself and the world at large. For example, tonight I'm downloading a "game" that came out several years ago. The name of this game is 'JFK RELOADED'. Sounds fun right? The object is to recreate the JFK assassination. I'm downloading it right now and will have a full blown review.

And for those who didn't know, my otherwise uneventful nights are punctuated by the daily paper delivery. Around 4am or so the Star Tribune is delivered to my place of work. What you might not know or expect, is that a cross dressing white male delivers the papers. I'd say he's in his late 40's, overweight, and wears to much blush. He seems to like his blond wig and wears red lipstick. Its a very awkward and forced hello everytime I let him in the building. I had a fit of morbid curiosity wash over me and decided to sift through Craigslist casual encounters trying to find him. While I was greeted with multiple pictures of overweight men wearing nylons and the occasional cock shot, I never saw the paper delivery guy. I guess I'm glad...maybe?

Lastly, the nation has been rocked by a series of tragedies. The latest is obviously the miners trapped in Utah. I was on CNN and saw this:


Granted you're in shock and scared for their lives...but is that the best sign you can muster up? I've seen high school girls make better ones for the hockey team and their lives were not on the line. Also there are multiple miners...so either this person ran out of space or only cared about one person. So they're either stupid or selfish. WAY TO GO UTAH!!

Remembering Heaven's Face

Remembering Heaven's Face: A Story of Rescue in Wartime Vietnam is a harrowing tale of a conscientious objector who volunteered to go to Vietnam. I am not brave or noble, nor am I foolish enough to believe in hero's.

On the other hand, we have people who created this commercial. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yz4u8XXUgxA

Life, she is a cruel mistress.

Critical Film Analysis: Surviving the Game

I'm going to offer a weekly installment from now on, critically analyzing important films from the past century. Today's offering will be that of Surviving the Game starring, and I use the word "starring" in a way that only a man of Ice-T's stature could be capable of being THE star...especially considering other actors involved such as Gary Busey, Rutger Hauer, and Charles S. Dutton aka the token black inspirational guy in Rudy.

I will admit, this is a personal favorite movie of mine and has been for many years. Whenever I'm feeling down and I'm home alone late at night (which is 99 percent of the time) I turn on TNT or TBS and of course they'll be showing Suriviving the Game! The premise of the film is simple. Ice-T plays Jack Mason, a homeless man just trying to survive on the streets of Seattle. His only friends are a dog and another older homeless guy who I speculate is a Navy Veteran based on the battleship hat he wears. Ice-T (From now on I will refer to him as Jack) decides to hop a fence late at night to steal a huge leg/shank/chunk of meat to feed himself and his homeless compadre. Unfortunately they run into a evil police officer/security guard who brutalizes the old man. Well, they fight off the security guard and return to a homeless habitat and the poor people feast!! Oh the next morning the homeless guy is dead, probably from massive internal bleeding...but who cares, he was homeless!

Lets cut to the chase, at one point Jack (okay fuck this, I'm calling him Ice-T) Ice T tries to commit suicide but is saved by Charles S. Dutton. Dutton's character promises him a job and refers him to some other guy played by Hauer. Ice T does some physical tests and is hired as a outdoor survival consultant and they all fly to the pacific northwest. Little does Ice T know that they are all going to hunt HIM!....as we know man is the most dangerous animal of them all! Well I don't want to ruin the rest of the film for the uninitiated but let me say, what occurs from then on is quite gripping. You learn slowly that Ice T is a tortured soul who at one time had a family and a child. You also learn that Gary Busey is a psycho fucker who I doubt was really acting for the most part and was probably being himself. Below I will provide an excerpt of brilliant screen writing:

Taxi Driver: [a taxi had just ran over Mason's dog]
[Taxi driver pointing at blood painted over the front-end of the cab]
Taxi Driver: What about my taxi!
Ice T: Yo', man, fuck yo' taxi!

Truly chilling writing there!! But what artisan of the spoken word could have made such an exchange possible? From brain to paper to the silver screen, the man behind this is none other than Eric Bernt! Writer of such hit films as Romeo Must Die and Virtuosity (Which I really fucking like as well!). This is probably one of the most under appreciated pieces of art from the last century. I feel that there is a certain subtext that I must admit, frightens me to the very core. I'm not sure if you have heard of Robert Hansen before but I have. He was a serial killer. DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID? Wikipedia will tell you!

He began killing prostitutes around 1980; he would pay them for sex and kidnap and rape them once they were in his power. He would then fly them out to his cabin in the Knik River Valley in his private plane, and stalk and kill them with a hunting knife and a .223 caliber Ruger Mini-14 rifle.

So as you can see, truth is stranger than fiction...except for the part where Ice T gains revenge and is not a prostitute but in fact a former landlord. Next week I will be looking at a yet undecided film. Possible candidates include Commando, Over The Top, Cobra, Varsity Blues, but probably Hard Target. For a teaser, Hard Target is a movie that stars Jean Claude Van Damme...who has a big mullet and Wilford Brimley as "UNCLE DOUVEE" a moon shiner who is also a bow and arrow expert. I swear I'm not making any of this up.

Its Getting Hot In Here!

What better way to start posting on my blog than to reference a 5 year old song by America's Sweetheart, Nelly?! Yeah, I couldn't think of a better way either. So, planning a roadtrip to Alaska is a fucking pain in the ass. More updates to follow!