Critical Film Analysis: Cobra

Keeping with the whole Sly Stallone motif, I'm going to review another Stallone classic. This time around the movie is Cobra. So in the movie Stallone plays a hard nosed cop named Marion Cobretti. At this point you know the movie is fucking insane. His name is Cobretti for god sakes. I haven't even told you anything about this movie besides the fact that Stallone is a cop named Marion Cobretti but you should already be forming this hilarious picture in your head. So you have the movie opening with this deranged gunman holding a grocery store hostage. The grocery store is pretty terrible and one thing that stuck out to me is some of the aisles were extremely narrow. This is pretty terrible planning by the grocery store. In any event, bad guy takes many hostage and kills a few people along the way.

ENTER STAGE LEFT: Cobretti who happens to drive a 1950 Mercury. He drives this and you know its awesome because his license plate is "AWSOM50." Either way there is no time to negotiate, he simply goes in and insults the hostage taker by saying, "You're a lousy shot (Gulps beer) I don't like lousy shots." After killing the guy he goes home to his beautiful beach side apartment where he promptly eats day old pizza. Exciting right? Well it gets more exciting as it turns out that recent hostage taking and a whole host of murders is related to a weird gang who plans on killing everyone as part of a new world order. At this point Bridget Nielsen (you may remember her from such hits as Rocky IV or Flavor of Love) enters the movie. She is a model or something, the cult tries to kill her but she escapes. To truncate this a bit Cobretti is now protecting her and the cops decide the best thing to do is hide out in some crappy town. Well this bizarre gang who has a thing for axes decides to go into this town and basically go ape shit. This leads to about 20 minutes of insane action which climaxes in a hand to hand dual between the gang leader and stallone. It ultimately ends when Cobretti impales the guy and he is then incinerated...yes he is lit on fire. They are fighting in some steel mill...makes perfect sense right?

I think the important thing to remember is that Stallone turned down Beverly Hills Cop to be in this piece of shit. Good thinking right? Although I cannot honestly picture Stallone in Beverly Hills Cop. In conclusion, Stallone is the best actor ever. Remember this when you watch Over the top.

Alert: Be on the lookout for my next review. Encino Man starring THE WEASEL