Oh Jesus

The People who appear in these clips are actually the people who are running this country. God Save The Queen.

Christmas Time Means Only One Thing

I watch a lot of television and crappy tv movie that get put on this time a year when there are hours of dead space the networks have to fill.

First on the agenda: The Jackson: An American Dream. Things I learned from this tv mini-series/movie that aired originally on ABC back in 1992 include the fact that Joseph Jackson (The Jackson Patriarch was insane), Michael Jackson had a pet mouse that was brutally killed by his dad, and that Billy Dee Williams is a cool mother.

Second On The Agenda: Law and Order: SVU which I touched on only in title in my last post was something I did/have been watching a bit more of lately. Due to a comment I thought I would post some thoughts on how this show originally started as a show that dealt with disturbing sex related crimes and has now turned in to a 'Ripped From the Headlines Insanity Show' on rival with any crazy ass crime show out there.

I could go on for hours but the reality is the show from my recollection started as a lot more grounded in reality. The crimes were not insane internet pervert plans to broadcast his rape/murder across the internet while wearing a bunny mask...more it was a person was molested and they want to find the creep that did it. After 11 seasons on the air the other problem is that unlike Law and Order (OG) they have really delved right in to extensive character back stories and given them stupid little things that set them off.

You remember how in Back to the Future Marty is never called a chicken and this is never brought up. Then in Part 2 and Part 3 all of a sudden it is Marty's central ethos...that of never backing down when challenged even if that means he crashes his truck in to the Rolls Royce and it ruins his guitar playing hand and his band 'The Pinheads' never make it big!!!!!!!

Well this is what they've done in Law and Order SVU. Christopher Meloni who plays Elliot Stabler is a dedicated cop...SO DEDICATED HE SOMETIMES GETS TO INTENSE. If there is a child being molested believe you me he will freak out. Midway through the interrogation he will grab the perp and yell, "I HAVE A KID MAN!!!!"

Mariska Hargitay plays Olivia Benson. Her existence in the show is a result of her mother being raped. This wreaks havoc on her at times and i swear there are a few episodes where she has huge bouts of guilt for not only not stopping her mom from being raped but also other people who came to her for help. This is a legitimately serious issue in most shows but again it has now devolved in to caricature from time to time. Mariska is also on my list of underrated hotties of the decade (LIST COMING SOON)!

Richard Belzer, Ice-T and a bunch of other cool dudes round out the cast. That said any time any Law and Order decides to rip a story from the headlines it always ends up half baked.



I did want to embed this video just to show you Charlie Day who has now become the lovable goof Charlie on It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia was doing some Law and Order classic back in the day.

Sneak peak at the under rated ladies of the decade...I'm putting Claire Danes up on that list. Total girl next door vibe and she has silently been somewhat under the radar for the better part of the past 10 years.

Things that Need to Stop: PEOPLE RIDING BIKES AND TALKING ON THEIR CELL PHONES. I feel this is actually more dangerous than drunk driving.

Law And Order: Special Insanity Unit

Worst Movie of the Decade:

I use this as loosely as I can but the film Meet the Spartans was "WRITTEN" by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. To me this represents the worst film of the decade for a number of reasons. First and foremost its lazy film making. Under the guise of humor and parody the two "writers" who also acted as co-directors simply put identifiable characters and have them say their name or just get kicked in a well and its supposed to be humor. REMEMBER WHEN BRITNEY SPEARS SHAVED HER HEAD?!?! WELL GUESS WHAT SHE DOES IT AGAIN IN THIS MOVIE!!! REMEMBER 300 AND HOW PEOPLE YELLED??!?! REMEMBER PARIS HILTON!?!?!

A string of scenes tied together loosely by fart jokes and weak physical comedy are insulting. The worst part is really that the onus of enjoyment is placed entirely on the viewers awareness of other better movies. Remember Rocky Balboa...well good because we have a weak impression of him in this movie!

This gets top nod as the worst film of the decade because it also managed to open as the number 1 film in the country. This makes me feel sick and worry about this countries direction. A world wide gross of over 84 million means the morons who were green lighting this actually aren't morons...they knew the real morons would go to this. A film like The Hurt Locker makes around 16 million and this makes 84...granted not the same year or anything but the perspective is enough for me to punch a wolverine.

I would not shed a tear if the two writers/directors of this were to disappear off the face of this earth. The best part is they sleep on a giant pile of money and will work again in hollywood.

Oh and I'm Flying Again

When did the 'Ugly Christmas Sweater' and its associated 'Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties' and 'Ugly Christmas Sweater Contests' enter mass hysteria level? I spent a good hour or two trying to figure this out earlier tonight.

Now obviously there was a point in time where the ugly christmas sweater was actually just the 'CHRISTMAS SWEATER' and there was no hint of humor, irony, or ill will placed in these sweaters. As far as I can tell this was called the 1980's and the early 90's. I distinctly remember my mom owning a sweater that would can now be found on the body of a 21 year old male who is going to the bar in hopes of winning the "ugly sweater" contest. I'm sure it started off innocently enough. A young 'hip' couple wants to have a non-typical Christmas card to send to their friends and family. They take a few tacky Christmas Sweaters from yesteryear and take a few photos with them, get it developed, and then send them out as Christmas cards. Their other friends get them in the mail and have a good laugh or two. They think of their friends as clever...and they were.

Now though we've entered the realm of postmodernism in the Christmas Sweater world. Everyone wears the damn thing. Everyone has the Ugly Christmas Sweater day at the office. It is now unavoidable. Will we hit a backlash? I don't see a backlash coming for at least a few more years. The main issue is that Christmas is once a year...so there isn't enough time to get upset about this all and by the time you work up your anger its already gone. Much like Halloween and the 'Slut Costume' it is possible that the Ugly Sweater will become a permanent fixture of the holiday. The other alternative is that this falls out of fashion around 2012 (pending Mayan prediction of worlds destruction) and then the only people wearing these will be the hardcore fundamentalist sweater wearers. They will declare without a trace of irony that they "Love these sweaters" and that "they like how they look." These will be lies but they will now be looked down upon by the millions who once participated in the ugly sweater contests...they will be viewed as holding on too long and that the "joke is no longer funny." I will remain smug from my Ivory Blog Tower.

The biggest problem with the current sweater trend is that a guy like this will think he is actually being funny and that his friends will also declare that "John is such a funny guy. WILL YOU LOOK AT HIS SWEATER!! HAHAHA!!!" What they don't realize is that John is empty. He demands that you pay attention to him because of his supposed outlandishness. It is a lie. He will go home on December 23rd to an empty studio apartment following the office party. Hundreds of miles from his family, the only ones who truly care if he lives or dies will be celebrating. John is too poor to afford a flight home. He will awaken Christmas day to a familiar noise...its his ring tone. *Danger Zone* Janet from accounting likes that ring tone. Johns mother has called to wish him a Merry Christmas...he hears laughter in the background. The call is short and John tells his mother to say hi to everyone for him. John goes to the fridge and grabs the party size subs he took from the Christmas party as there were way too many and if they left them in the office fridge they would be rotten by the time everyone returned after the holiday break. He is in his underwear sitting on wooden chair he bought from Ikea. He turns on the television and watches National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. His only thought..."THIS IS THE SWEATER'S FAULT."



Merry Christmas.

Move Bitch

There are a few reasons why this song sticks out in my mind. The first is there is a video right now of a cat riding a roomba around and it slaps a dog. The song 'Move Bitch' is playing over the video.



I think Move Bitch is a great song. The chorus is pretty clear. There is a bitch in the way and he or she better move. The rest of the song talks about being drunk, getting laid, and doing other crazy things.

The reason why this song sticks out in my mind so strongly though is because the Minnesota Twins were singing this song after clinching the division in 2002. That year as long as my memory serves me correct, was the year where there were strong rumors that both the Twins and the Expos were going to get contracted. This would have been terrible but once the Twins clinched the division they were spraying champagne in the locker room and singing 'Move Bitch'. This was funny because its always funny when tv shows and news networks play swearing unintentionally.

Go Twins.

Can I point Out

That I was ahead of the curve on hyping Jersey Shore. I'm sure everyone and their mothers will be talking about it around the dinner table come Christmas time. But please cite Scott as the reason for it all. Thank you and god bless.

Burger Wars

Only the dead have seen the end of war. - Plato

Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. - Jesus

The quest for the perfect 'fast food' burger is a lot like combat. A lot of down time followed by a few moments of pure excitement, fear, and adrenaline. Then after the action an immediate let down...followed by a little introspection and maybe some crying.

Taken as a whole the burger landscape couldn't be better. There are the old classics that can be found at McDonalds and Burger King. There is even an upper market crust that can be found at places that could even be called "trendy" where if you don't mind spending 11 dollars on a burger, one can be found that may in fact blow your mind. I care not for this type of burger. I want one that I can drive through and pick up. This leads us to the burger wars.

1. In-N-Out (Can be found in California, Arizona, Nevada, Utah)

Claims to fame include being essentially a west coast entity. Made to order, fresh ingredients, and a cult like following. The genius of In-N-Out is that the menu is build on simplicity. You can get a burger, fries, a drink, and if you dare a milk shake. A meal of a single patty burger, fries, and drink will only cost you a five dollar bill which is a great deal. Do I think its the best fast food burger out there? Probably not...but I think the reason why it has such a loyal fan base is for two reasons. One is that there is a expected level of quality that is pretty much always met. You order and then it is made...the simplicity becomes its greatest asset. You know you're not getting a heat lamp burger and you know what it will taste like. I prefer my burger "animal style" but the standard burger provides plenty of flavor as well.

Secondly I think that hype is what makes In-N-Out gain such fame and notoriety. Because of the limited locations (both in what States its located and number of locations) it becomes almost like the forbidden fruit...or perhaps more like a case of "The Grass is Always Greener." In-N-Out has permeated popular culture to a point where I think if you're visiting California a suggestion will be made to at least stop there once and get a burger. With that in mind I can speak firsthand about the longing for In-N-Out.

One less than stellar point with In-N-Out is their fries. I order mine well done and even then they are lifeless. Yes I realize they cut their own potatoes and make them fresh but whatever oil they're fried among other things just doesn't imbue enough flavor in to them. They taste rather bland so I end up over salting them and dousing them in ketchup. I'd say out of all fast food chains they may have my least favorite french fries. Its a damn shame too because to me the french fries are almost as important as the burger.

In conclusion In-N-Out provides a high quality product at basement prices.

2. Five Guys (Began in Virginia but is now spreading out Nation Wide)

If In-N-Out is Tupac, then I would say Five Guys originally was The Notorious B.I.G. Five Guys is often used as a counterpoint to In-N-Out as a chain where burgers are king. Unlike In-N-Out you can find Five Guys slowing creeping across the country. Although the highest concentration of locations is still located on the East Coast they can be found all over the country including Edina Minnesota and Carson, California.

They take a very similar no frills approach to their food and their serving style. One thing I like about Five Guys is the option to add a few more frills to your burger than In-N-Out. Jalapeno, grilled onion, grilled mushroom, bacon, and other things let you trick out your burger a bit more. Its difficult to articulate how the burger tastes but the patty is relatively sizable and comes on a sesame seed bun. The flavor is strong and almost buttery. I like them a lot.

A huge selling point to me is their french fries. They're fucking great and even the "regular" size is gigantic. They scoop them up and drop them in a styrofoam cup but basically through in a huge amount of overflow in to the paper bag they throw the fries in so you're getting. I'd roughly approximate the amount of fries you get in a regular order to a super sized McDonalds french fry order (R.I.P. super sized options) plus another medium order of fries. SO what I'm saying is you're getting fat. The fries are seasoned in some sort of light spice medley that is quite good. The fries elevate the burger to greater heights and I have to say much like the East Coast West Coast rivalry there is no clear winner....except America.

Five Guys also provides complimentary peanuts while you wait for your food to finish but seeing as I don't like peanuts this means nothing to me.


Burger Wars will continue at a later date.

Wow I'm Awesome

If you may recall many months ago I made a brief little blog post about the brilliance of the song 'She's Got the Look' by Roxette many moons ago. Well thanks to the great folks at Rockstar Games I was able to hear this song a lot more in commercials over the last couple months.

Look, if you don't like video games thats one thing but at this point you pretty much cannot deny that they are no longer some passing fad (although I think the only people who felt that they would be a "fad" are people who were over 45 in 1979) but a multi-billion dollar industry. Grand Theft Auto to me is a brilliant conglomeration of decades worth of American pop culture smashed into one massive brilliant orgy of violence, sex, and humor. With Grand Theft Auto 4 and its most recently released expansions, you have a story taking place in a fictional New York known as Liberty City and you have some great story telling going on. Its really quite hilarious to be honest. Here is the trailer with 'She's Got the Look' in it by the way.




Enough about videogames though. There has been a lot going on in the news. And there has been no bigger story than the one I'm about to talk about. I'm of course talking about the escalating awesomeness of JERSEY SHORE. I'm dead serious that if you're not watching this show you are missing television history. In three episodes of this show I've laughed, I've cried, and I vomited. MTV could really branch this show out and find more disturbing sub cultures entrenched throughout the United States. Next year instead of Jersey Shore just do a show about Juggalos and have it culminate with an episode taking place at the 'Gather of the Juggalos'. Bill Simmons suggested doing one on people from Boston's North Shore...I agree. Perhaps we could also get a show about Russians from Brooklyn or something. Definitely though they need to do one on either Armenians in Los Angeles or Persians in Los Angeles.

Finally, I just want to say that I laugh in the general direction of the University of Minnesota. They are asking me for money every couple of months and my general thought on giving them more of my money is this.

My Typical Saturday Night