Remember The Time?

No this is not an esoteric reference to the Michael Jackson song....IT'S A COMPLETELY PROSAIC REFERENCE!! ENGLISH GRAMMAR FUN!!!

I'm about to blow a gasket on the next asshole who unloads on me for absolutely no reason at work. Just so we've set the ground rules, I'm not the fucking boss. When you come up to me complaining about waiting in line and how we "always have problems" you are fucking lying. This is a fact because you keep coming back to this place with the same complaints over and over. Secondly when you say to me in a matter of fact voice but also in a distinct tone that indicates that while you want me to hear what you're saying, you are in fact saying this in a rhetorical fashion it does you no good and it means nothing to me. "You should hire more people" means nothing to me for two reasons.

1. I CAN'T FUCKING HIRE ANYONE OR ELSE I WOULD HIRE 20 MORE PEOPLE SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORK.

2. You don't care about my response anyways so fuck you.

When I told the customer that "we're actually short staffed today because a person called in sick and another is on vacation" you met me with your empty stare. OHHHH, I GAVE A LEGITIMATE ANSWER FOR YOUR WAIT TIME AND NOW YOU ARE PUZZLED.....FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. Seriously, go die.

The other best part of my day was when I was being condescendingly scolded for not knowing what someone was talking about when she immediately started blabbing on the phone giving me no context as to what she was talking about. I don't call up Pizza Hut and immediately being ranting about the need for a finer chopped onion like I'm in the middle of a conversation that has been on going for the last 20 minutes. And if any of you want proof of how stupid rich and removed from reality the hyper rich are, when I asked this woman how she was going to get these forms to ME at my place of WORK when she herself had no intention of bringing them to me she matter of factly told me that HER DRIVER would drop them off as HE always DOES.

OHHHHHH OF COURSE!!! I am so STUPID for assuming that she would actually move. She has her driver do it?!?! Seriously. What percentage of people in the United States right now have a "driver?" I'd say under 2 percent.

Remember the time I wanted to kill myself every day I wake up and have to go in to work?

To Quote Susan Powter, "STOPPPP THE INSANITY!!!"

Restaurant Idea

The idea/concept behind this place is that we compete in an up scale market but we only serve meat and its absurdly modern/avante garde/utilitarian. The entire restaurant is made of concrete. There is loud thumping industrial music played over tinny loud speakers. Up on high perched balconies are buff shirtless mean slowly and rythmically hammering large pieces of metal, pulling on chains that are on pulleys, and operating large switches. When I said the entire restaurant is made of concrete I mean it. The tables and seats are molded from it. There are no plates. Services are done on rotations. We let the restaurant fill to capacity, everyone is served, and then we bring out the fire hoses. Since its all concrete I can just hose down the entire place and let it air dry.

The other really fucked up part of this place is that the bathrooms are elevated in the center of the restaurant. You go up spiral metal stair cases and you are basically over the entire dining area and its a giant cube. For some sort of idea think of a scoreboard in a sports arena and the dining area is where the rink/court would be. The thing is, the entire floor is made up of one way glass. So when you're up above everyone it will feel like you are pissing on/shitting on the patrons except they can't see up. Trust me, this is brilliant. Also we serve hot dogs but charge 742 dollars per dog because instead of relish I use black truffle paste and flakes of gold instead of onions.

This is the Worst Post I'll Ever Write

I'm about to complain about Facebook so bear with me. Namely, the facebook app on the iPhone. The only reason I'm writing this is because I know the 3.0 app is coming out any day now but jesus christ the last iterations have been terrible. Besides the fact that you can't do half the things you can do on the conventional site, its horribly buggy, freezes, and crashes a lot. Not so sure I'm all for the 3.0 revision as some of the screenshots lead me to believe this might not be as functional as I'd like. That said, let the narcissism reach all time highs.

Next Target: New York Times App

Good job guys, you finally after about a year of updating got to a version that won't crash every thirty seconds. Congrats. Its still too clunky and updates too slow. Yeah yeah shits free so you can't really complain...except you can. You're the New York Times and you're leaking millions of dollars every month. Can't you hire one good nerd to make a decent App?

HALL OF FAME APPS:

Sim City - Finally I can play Sim City on my phone! I know that nothing gets a chick hotter than hearing about transportation issues and lack of commercial zoning opportunities in Sim City...nothing except having all that ON YOUR PHONE!!! Sim City is my favorite game on my phone.

MPR - Minnesota public Radio streaming to my phone. Only problem (which is not the fault of the creators but Apples own restrictions which effect the equally awesome Pandora) is that you can't play it as a background operation.

Thing I Irrationally Hate: KISS

This band honestly sucks. I realize that the thief of my mind Chuck Klosterman loves KISS but I cannot agree. I hate the shitty glitz, the stupid disco album, and the fact that Gene Simmons assumes he is really awesome and brags about how many women he has slept with. Gene Simmons is in fact a giant moron and I know this just by looking at him. Rock & Roll All Nite is not a good song. The only thing on this earth worth more of my scorn and contempt is Criss Angel.

Just When You Thought Things Couldn't Get Any Better

At work there are several fax machines. Although the trend of Junk Faxes has mostly died off, we still get a few every day. Junk Faxes for those not in the know are the equivalent to junk mail and or SPAM email. Things from offering vacations, to insurance policies, and sometimes even FAX versions of the Nigerian 419 scams. My thought goes to one thing. Why still send these? Faxing is obnoxiously shitty and the only time I've ever used it is when I had to fax in a legal document...because they didn't except PDF forms via email.

And since I like to talk about Back to the Future, allow me to tie this back in to a Back to the Future reference. In Back to the Future: Part II, Future Marty after "interfacing" his card with Needles, he gets fired. His boss, 'The Jitz' implores Future Old Marty to "Read my fax." It simply reads "You're Fired." What I want to know is what exactly was the card that Marty was interfacing and why does it lead to immediate termination. In fact, I don't think its ever made entirely clear what job Marty had. Quite frankly, as a Back to the Future fan I think I'm owed a very poorly worded explanation as to what job Future 2015 Marty had.


Saw Inglourious Basterds this weekend. Two things worth noting. Two people in front of me left the theater after a close up shot of a Nazi getting scalped occurred. Not really sure what one would be expecting with this movie not to see a nazi or two get scalped. Secondly, can we ban cell phones, loud candy wrappers, and people who laugh to much at sequences in films when they really shouldn't be laughing that much. I remember seeing No Country For Old Men at the Lagoon in Uptown and there were a few people who thought that the Coens made a sequel to The Big Lebowski. Fucking hell people. Just because there are a few legitimately funny sequences and or over the top shit in this film (Basterds) does not get you open season to laugh like you're watching the funniest fucking movie ever made.

Get Him Man

Smug Favre Is Here To Stay

Shout out to Pudding Bath. Favre Says Hello.

Things

I bit my tongue on sunday when I was eating an apple. Now realize how dumb/terribly clumsy I have to be when I say that this wasn't just a little nibble. I bit it hard and it started bleeding...and stayed bleeding for about an hour and a half until I applied pressure to it with a towel. This is pretty hard to do when the cut is far back in the corner on your tongue. It was a stupid way to spend part of my sunday.

Secondly, what is the deal with people wearing winter caps during the summer. The summer beanie or whatever where the dude wears it but it doesn't actually come over the ears and is worn more laying on the back half of the head. Not sure about you all but if I put anything remotely knit on my head and its not sub zero, I sweat my ass off. My face starts sweating and it looks like I'm having a mild stroke when I start getting remotely hot...it is not pleasant and I can't imagine wearing a knit hat in July or August.

Once again I have to berate the moronic fucking bikers of Santa Monica. I don't own a car. Let me make that clear. I rely on biking and taking the bus like a damn loser to get around. What I don't get is when there are designated bike lanes and yet two people on bikes are riding side by side and one of those bikers is in the road. Stay single file or something please. I'm talking to you woman who was clearly in the path of the road which made it so the bus I was on had to slow down all the time and then you would turn your head back and kind of move over but not enough for the bus not to plow you down. Goddamn. Stay in the lane single file. This goes for all you wanna-be Tour De Retards who wear your spandex bike outfits and ride in your packs with your stupid Tour-De-Santa Monica shirts and shit.

White Men Can't Jump

Sorry for all these youtube videos. I promise I'll get back to more rants and stupid thoughts but I had to post this.

Holy Cow

A lot happened this weekend. Fantasy Football Draft 2009 (3 Hours of fun!), District 9 (good), The Hurt Locker (Great), and drinking stuff.

Let me first say that you should all go out and see District 9 and I finally got around to seeing The Hurt Locker. Both of these films are worth checking out and it makes me vomit in rage that a large number of people would rather have gone and seen Transformers 2. But I'm not here to repeat the large amount of praise these two movies got. I'm here to totally bitch about the previews I saw before these movies. Lets start with the movie Legion. Its about angels and the fight for good and evil and all that boring crap. This movie looks boring and the trailer actually caused myself and most of the audience to laugh. Why you ask? How about an old grandma saying that a pregnant womans baby will burn and then it turns out she is a demon and bites a guys neck and goes all 'crabwalk' and decides to crawl on the ceiling and get shot at.....how does that sound? Really goddamn dumb? YEP!! And now through the power of the internet we can watch an uncensored version right here. Skip to the 2:20 mark.



They also had one of those AMC long form previews before the actual previews started. This was showing off the awesomeness of the new NBC show Trauma...and by awesomeness I mean holy shit terrible overwrought stupid over the top crap. Just watch this whole thing and laugh again. "I LOVE MY JOB" *CUE EXPLOSIONS AND HELICOPTER CRASH!!*



Getting back on the topic of raging grannies there is really only two ways you can take an old grandma in most movies. Well, actually its more like three. You either get the nice old grandma that is just nice and old. Then you have the "hip" and or "delusional" grandma who will in the course of the movie probably smoke a giant bong, swear a lot, and talk about how much she likes/liked having lots of sex. The last way is you have the old grandma be evil, or possessed, or just a bitch, or just really freaky. Let me point out that when you try to make old people seem creepy or evil, it either totally works or totally fails. In the case of Legion, it really fails and instead causes mass laughter.

To Live and Die in LA

People are always asking me what its like to live in Los Angeles (no one is actually asking me this).

I point them to this clip and say that this pretty much sums it up.

All Time Top 5 Sports Intro's

This is a Top 5 List consisting of my all time list of sports intros. While this list is a Top 5 they aren't really in a particular order. They basically have to meet my requirement of giving me chills and getting me pumped up.

1. Chicago Bulls/NBA on NBC

First and foremost you have the NBA on NBC. I could wax nostalgically about watching the NBA on NBC at my grandma's house on her basement TV. I won't bore you. What I loved about the entire NBA on NBC presentation from the NBC peacock being laser etched in to the awesome John Tesh performed "Roundball Rock" was that it played up the very drama of the sporting event. With either Bob Costas or Marv Albert setting the "story line" of the series it was always an exciting affair. Couple that with my memories of the Alan Parsons Project blaring as the Chicago Bulls starting lineup was introduced and you have a recipe for magic. Watch the first video setting the "story" and tell me you aren't pumped...and when that NBC logo pops on and the song kicks in...just awesome.





2. Oilers vs. Hurricanes Game 3 Stanley Cup Finals

What most people don't realize is that the CBC makes some amazing intro videos for the playoffs. Similar to the storyline stuff that NBC did. They make great montages and if you look back at a previous post of mine they had a great sports montage set to The Scientist of all songs for this last years playoffs. Anyways, this is less of a CBC produced sports montage and more a pure intro. The Oilers manage to take a terrible Black Eyed Peas song and still make it work. Watch this entire intro and tell me you don't get chills...the crowd is clearly insanely passionate and well...hockey intros always rock. I like the skating around in your respective end warm up more than any other sports intro. Another thing I love is seeing the last player coming out of the tunnel as the people inside cheer him with the camera following from behind. Awesome...also awesome is Don Cherry and his awesome suits.



3. Shawn Michaels

He thinks he's cute, He knows he's sexy, He has the looks that drives the girls wild. A true superstar who can work the crowd.



4. NHL on ESPN

I just like the song they used a lot.



5. Ottawa Senators Spartan Introduction

Just kidding, this is on here for probably one of the most ill conceived stupid ideas ever. Watch this intro and try not to laugh/feel incredibly awkward.

Watchout Weekend

I'm here to kick your ass.

Windtalkers

Much like the American Military during World War II used multiple Native American languages and dialects (most famously Navajo in the Pacific Theater) so too does Craigslist. Except instead of cryptic Native American languages it is now key words that are used to mask the true descriptions and instead confuse the enemy. By enemy I mean of course me, the prospective renter. On an interesting side note for you history nuts, Navajo is entirely a spoken language that was passed down from generation to generation. No actual alphabet or symbology exists! True story!

I have slowly worked to decode this mysterious language.

Vintage = The heat for this place does not work well. There is virtually no insulation and when it gets cold out you will freeze your ass off.

Charming = Yes it has wood floors but this place was built during the depression. When we say charming we mean that shag carpet that has more bodily fluids stuck in it then a motel 6 mattress.

Great Location = Shitty location

Spacious = You are looking at a studio apartment...of course its not actually spacious. Unless you think a queen size mattress taking up 2/3rds of your place is "spacious."


A few things to wrap this whole thing up. Why is it on Craigslist now matter how good a camera you have and what kind of photographer you are, the pics of the prospective place you want to live at always fucking suck. Not only do they never give you an idea of how big the place actually is, when they go through the craigslist uploader they all end up looking like complete shit.

Is it a bad sign when the application for renting has a ton of terrible grammar and spelling errors-o-plenty?! Fucking hell.

Shout Outs

Home slice at Pudding Bath has lately been getting me all riled up. First hating on the Vikings (Big No No) and then he doesn't give The Wrestler an A+ review. Shocking to say the least but I have to admit, it is one of several blogs I check when I see an update. Sure it has a heavy Wisconsin bias (and I do mean heavy...get it, they're all fat) but some just don't now better.

Last post was a bit more serious (one might even call me EMO) but here is the reason. I miss rain. I'm not talking about the Korean pop superstar Rain either...I'm talking about the water that comes from the sky. Thunderstorms, light sprinkles, (insert Forest Gump rain monologue), big fat rain, and tornadoes. Since the start of summer...which I suppose out here in Los Angeles means about February it has probably rained in the area I live in maybe twice for about a total of an inch if that. It's fucking depressing out here without any weather but sunny days. Yeah this is going to bite me in the ass if and when I move back to the Twin Cities and its -25 degrees as I wait for the bus freezing my ass off crying tears that instantly freeze before they roll of my cheeks leading me to only cry more due to the pain which will only create a cycle that exacerbates itself. But here and now I'd like to see some goddamn rain.

Also this Onion article pretty much sums of my terrible existence as I continue to be completely broke and unable to afford a car and have to rely on public transportation in Los Angeles!!!!

MAN RUNNING AFTER BUS DELIGHTS OCCUPANTS

Final shout out goes to one Ms. Extreme Ash because she has a lot of links and they update so when I'm at work on my iphone (since they block internet at my computer except to key financial websites) I can live vicariously through much more exciting peoples lives and happenings in their bubble. In particular its been made entirely clear some people eat a lot better than I do.

Moment

There is a moment in one of my favorite movies of all time, 'Field of Dreams' in which (at I'd say about the 1 hour 28 minute mark) where a small musical interlude kicks in and you hear what I would guess to say some sort of woodwind instruments swell up on the musical score. This is paired with the on screen action of Kevin Costner's character apologizing to one Moonlight Graham because he can no longer return as a young man to the titular Field of Dreams. At that moment when the music comes on you also get the ambient sound of the wind rustling through the expansive corn fields and pine trees of Iowa and the birds chirping and the simple country ambience. In the background is the corrugated tin sheds that likely house some sort of livestock or potentially just some farm equipment, perhaps a tractor or two. That very moment strikes me deep and makes me nostalgic for the past as well as pointing out the sharp contrasts of my current surroundings. Field of Dreams is a great movie.

I would also argue that the tragic story of Archibald Graham is the better of the two stories arcs. The estranged father and son coming together for a game of catch (although I call it "play catch") never had the emotional depth compared to a man who had a dream and pursued it, only to find an alternate life even more fulfilling. Yes, without the field there would be no catharsis for either of the two but Graham disappearing into the corn field gives better pay off.

With that in mind I will list the top 3 scenes that give me chills everytime I watch it.

1. The aforementioned sequence where Annie falls and is choking on a hot dog, Young Graham crosses the crushed gravel path thus turning into old Graham and then fading into the sunset/cornfield.

2. Fenway Park. Graham's stats play on the scoreboard/jumbotron screen. The music makes that scene for me.

3. When they pick up young 'Archie' Graham on the road heading through Iowa.

Prepare to Nerd Out

Right, I'm on post number 2 of the night...and its because I have no money and will have none until friday. Thats why I'm not out drinking and having fun. Instead I'm checking out the latest edition of the greatest game ever Rock Band. The Beatles: Rock Band is coming out in about a month. Watch the intro cinematic and tell me it doesn't at least kind of make you want to play it.

Ghostbusters 2

Remember that painting at the end that appears after Vigo is vanquished? Once I get some money I will commission an artist to recreate that masterpiece for my own home.