The Only Bombs I Drop Are Knowledge Bombs

I hate myself sometimes. I wish I had some sort of personal trainer standing over my shoulder so anytime I was about to eat something really fucking nasty...like Taco Bell or any fucking fast food for that matter, the mega huge personal trainer would be like "If you do that I will punch you in your stomach until you cry." I'd want the type of trainer who was an ex-Navy Seal and could hit me and yet not leave a bruise. I would fear him with all my being. That way I could not be an unhealthy bastard.

Speaking of which, confession time. I promised an EPIC blog post, but I lied. It was going to be about how shitty musicals keep coming out based on subjects that in my opinion should not be musicals...like if the shitty sitcom Friends was made into a musical. But yeah, got too lazy, didn't have the hate in my heart to go on. Sorry.

I'd like to also go on the record and say that flatulence is funny and I am a juvenile bastard when it comes to it. That does not make me lowbrow though.

I Was Almost Murdered

I just read a story in the Star-Tribune that a 20 something guy was stabbed to death right near the University of Minnesota & Augsburg campus last night/early in the morning. I'm currently living right near that area and I walked home drunk...an easy murder target. I'm not rattled or anything, but I do have to say, GO AWAY MURDERERS!!!

I don't want to get stabbed....ever!

Also I have a massively awesome blog post coming up critiquing the fall and decline of the modern musical.

Fear

I lack the courage many times to do the things I should do. I choke up when I should stand up and shout what I think. I'm working on it every day. I want to be better than I am. There is a certain admiration I have for people who are willing to live life a bit more gregariously than myself.

I fear growing a mustache. The stigma is too strong. I am neither a 70s porn star nor am I a officer of the law. Too well groomed and the mustache becomes creepy. Not groomed enough and the untrained hairs give off the signal that simply says "I am a child molester." I don't think it looks good on myself, yet I've never had the balls to actually let it grow for longer than a few days.

I am a man of contempt. Fearless in prose, but quickly succumbing to the fear of societies contempt, wrath, and scorn. The mustached man is the one true hero left in this country of fakers.

Post-Mortem

Let me first start by saying that a woman in the security check in line at LAX was wearing a lanyard that said Spice Girls on it. I was reasonably embarrassed to be in the same line as that woman.

Let me also tell you about this fat fucking woman who made the flight very shitty. First of all she was wearing a blue track suit that was very ill fitting. Meaning she was bulging out of it. Secondly as we were boarding the plane she kept blocking the aisle and in general making boarding take longer. Thirdly she just as we were about to take off decides to go to the bathroom so the pilots over the speakers announce we won't be taking off until all passengers are seated. Fourthly she went to the bathroom something like 6 times in the first hour of the flight. Fifthly her fat ass and hips kept bumping into my aisle seat everytime she walked by, thus I was unable to sleep. Sixthly she once when passing by hit me in the head with her hand.

Also she at baggage claim had a suitcase with leopard print....this woman was tacky as fuck. Oh, and she was wearing a green wrist band. I can only assume it was to wipe away the sweat as she climbed a flight of stairs.

I want to fly first class from now on.

LIVE BLOG YO

I am reporting to you live from LAX international airport. Luckily there happens to be a free wireless hotspot amongst the sea of pay services. First of all I would like to give a huge fuck you to the blond woman who was at the security checkpoint. You were an asshole and annoying an all around cunt to many old people. Although you did smile at me. (SCORE)

Secondly a big fuck you to the fat fucking dude who yelled at some other woman who was in the security checkpoint waiting for her stuff to come through the Xray. I did notice that besides your massive man tits you were wearing sweatpants (lame) and you could not be bothered to nicely ask the woman who by the way couldn't speak a word of english to move so instead you just said "Jesus christ lady get the hell out of the way." You're a fucking fatass dude who I then saw take an elevator as opposed to mounting the one flight of stairs. Good job you.

Thirdly, LAX is such a shitty airport, but at least as of now my flight is still on time (unlike last time I was in LAX) and the carpet doesn't smell like piss. I'm also getting free wireless and there is some sort of cool "Charging station" that I'm typing from right now. If any other mind blowing shit happens, you'll hear about it.

Update 1: 10:38pm Pacific Standard Time - I'm right next to a gate that is servicing some French airliner. I know this because a woman over the loudspeaker was speaking French. Also there is a large amount of good looking well dressed men and women. Not overweight dumpy people who are wearing disneyland shirts and sweatpants.

Update 2 11:03 PST - I swear if I end up having to sit next to this really fat guy who just walked by I will be upset. If this was a cartoon I'm pretty sure he'd have those visible stink lines wafting above his head. Also this stand they have for "Charging" really fucking sucks because the platform you set stuff on is up to about my crotch. I have to either bend over or get on my knees to see the screen (insert sexual joke). Also a huge group of people are running right now to the gate for the flight to France. It reminded me of Home Alone when the family needs to catch the flight. Except way dumber because no one had a Talk Boy with them.

3: 11:10pm PST - Evidently someone is sharing music over iTunes sharing and I have stumbled upon it. User name: Mrs. Mariano.

They have Ace of Base (SCORE!) Boyz II Men (SCORE!!!) Celine Dion (ehhhh) Lots of sermons...I think? Pastor Judah Smith??? They have R. Kelly also, which is funny because he pisses on people.

The Revolution Is Here (Will Not Be Broadcast to Pacific Time Zone)

So, I think I'm going to get the new iPhone. It has fucking GPS in it!!! Now when I'm lost I can tell you exactly where I am lost.

It has also come to my attention that K-Mart is now selling abstinence sweatpants. Just let that sink in. Sorry, I cracked a smile. Well evidently in the place where normal sweatpants would say JUICY (this also confuses me) or PINK (I could make another joke) the K Mart sweatpants say True Love Waits. Besides the fact that if you were a girl.......or guy who wore these you'd probably be immediately ostracized from any sort of social groups cool or otherwise, you would also be admitting that you shop at K-Mart. I mean come on, I shop at Target. Target has some nice stuff actually, but admitting you shop at K-Mart, well jesus that is just bad.

I mean when I think of K-Mart I think of the poorly lit, hilariously dungeon esque, frightening K-Mart on Lake Street. You know the one I'm talking about. The one that was actually built to interrupt a major thoroughfare in Minneapolis and in turn segregating a large portion of the Minneapolis population. I've actually been in that one a few times and its fucking depressing. Where as Wal-Mart always has the dirty feel, where even as they are buffing the floors at 2am as you walk in, you just get that vibe yelling at your brain "THIS PLACE SUCKS" imagine that only x1000. This K-mart is really fucking depressing. The people who shop and work there know it too...I think the entire store is actually lit with 3 lightbulbs that were smuggled out of some 3rd World refugee camp to really sell the whole "this place sucks" mood.

Getting back to the topic though...sweatpants that is. Man if I had a daughter there is no way in fuck I would let her wear sweatpants that said anything along the ass except "Stay the fuck out." Also, according to google I guess the whole "PINK" brand is actually coming from Victoria's Secret. Now I don't mind the random commercial with huge breasts and unatainably attractive women but I do oppose the idea that sweatpants should say PINK along the ass. Why not for example, BROWN? Get it...a poop joke.

FIN

Fuck LA

Just kidding I love this place. Of course when I say I love Los Angeles I mean I love a very small subset of Los Angeles that only a small percentage of very rich assholes live in. The weather is nice and the food is awesome but most of the people are dickheads. Of coures this is delving into highly cliched territory about how the people out here are "fake" and materialistic. The truth is, they are. The other ting thats annoying is the kids I see around here are going to end up going to better schools than I did and become much more rich and succesful.

That noise is the sound of my disgruntled life deflating. On the other hand there is always porn.

Am I A Bad Person?

I like watching movies. The other night I was home alone with nothing to do and actually ended up watching In Her Shoes. I thought it was pretty good actually.

I also kind of want to see You Don't Mess with The Zohan. I think my tastes are slipping or something. On the other hand the previews for The Love Guru have me vomiting bile and feeling as if I should shower every time one of the television ads comes up. The disgusting part is that I once enjoyed Mike Myers humor. Speaking of which the Austin Powers movies have aged terribly. I think the first one can actually stand on its own as a clever spoof with genuine chuckles but the fact that they made 3 is honestly quite mind boggling.

I'm almost about to put Mike Myers up on a level of shittiness that would surpass Eddie Murphy. At least Murphy knows he has no soul and does tons of shitty movies. I honestly think Myers thinks his schtick is still fresh. Wayne's World was funny, talking in a fat Irish/Ogre accent is not. And with the Love Guru we're entering stupid stupid borderline racist levels. Please go away for a while Mike.

Things Worth Note

No one in Los Angeles owns a medium sized dog. If you have a dog its either under 5 pounds and fits in your purse, or its a giant 120 pound dog that would tear your face off if you looked at it wrong. Another thing that I find hilarious is that people have their domestic servants walk the families dogs. Sometimes rich people make me laugh, most of the time they just piss me off.

Other funnies include the fact that everyone in the neighborhood I'm in at least usually has a Prius. They of course offset any sort of supposed good they're doing by owning a really huge extravagant SUV. So you'll see the Land Rover parked next to the prius in front of the 8 million dollar mansion that has a bigger carbon footprint then I'll make in the next 14 years. Other lunacy includes the fact that Santa Monica is now outlawing plastic bags that you would get at a grocery store. FINALLY I HAVE USE FOR MY ORGANIC COTTON CLOTH BAG THAT STATES CLEARLY THAT THIS IS NOT A PLASTIC BAG!!! Score.

One last terrifying thing worth noting. I was watching TV last night and they have several channels with asian programming, I.E. straight from Asia. So I'm watching some awesome Korean drama about a woman who is pregnant and three guys who are looking after her when they actually cut to the "inside of the fetus" and you have a creepy looking CG baby in the womb who also actually TALKS. This was beyond nuts and I wish I could have recorded it or something.

I've been eating fast food out here too, since there are a lot of fast food joints that are completely localized in the greater American West.

In-N-Out - Plenty of hype around this place. I've eaten here before but for the sake of awarding grades I went again. I still think the fries are pretty substandard but the burgers are quite good. Not to mention the fact that buns are lightly toasted makes the entire burger experience rather enjoyable. A-

Carl's Jr - 6 dollar burgers are decent but I wasn't really blown away by any means. Also not digging the fact that they charge 75 cents extra if you use a credit card to buy...could just be that location but its annoying. B

Jack In The Box - Meh C+