Teaser: Encino Man

First of all you know this movie is good because of all the clever plays on words they use in this poster. For example, "Chillin new comedy in full Neandervision." What the fuck is Neandervision? Prepare for the review coming soon.

Critical Film Analysis: Cobra

Keeping with the whole Sly Stallone motif, I'm going to review another Stallone classic. This time around the movie is Cobra. So in the movie Stallone plays a hard nosed cop named Marion Cobretti. At this point you know the movie is fucking insane. His name is Cobretti for god sakes. I haven't even told you anything about this movie besides the fact that Stallone is a cop named Marion Cobretti but you should already be forming this hilarious picture in your head. So you have the movie opening with this deranged gunman holding a grocery store hostage. The grocery store is pretty terrible and one thing that stuck out to me is some of the aisles were extremely narrow. This is pretty terrible planning by the grocery store. In any event, bad guy takes many hostage and kills a few people along the way.

ENTER STAGE LEFT: Cobretti who happens to drive a 1950 Mercury. He drives this and you know its awesome because his license plate is "AWSOM50." Either way there is no time to negotiate, he simply goes in and insults the hostage taker by saying, "You're a lousy shot (Gulps beer) I don't like lousy shots." After killing the guy he goes home to his beautiful beach side apartment where he promptly eats day old pizza. Exciting right? Well it gets more exciting as it turns out that recent hostage taking and a whole host of murders is related to a weird gang who plans on killing everyone as part of a new world order. At this point Bridget Nielsen (you may remember her from such hits as Rocky IV or Flavor of Love) enters the movie. She is a model or something, the cult tries to kill her but she escapes. To truncate this a bit Cobretti is now protecting her and the cops decide the best thing to do is hide out in some crappy town. Well this bizarre gang who has a thing for axes decides to go into this town and basically go ape shit. This leads to about 20 minutes of insane action which climaxes in a hand to hand dual between the gang leader and stallone. It ultimately ends when Cobretti impales the guy and he is then incinerated...yes he is lit on fire. They are fighting in some steel mill...makes perfect sense right?

I think the important thing to remember is that Stallone turned down Beverly Hills Cop to be in this piece of shit. Good thinking right? Although I cannot honestly picture Stallone in Beverly Hills Cop. In conclusion, Stallone is the best actor ever. Remember this when you watch Over the top.

Alert: Be on the lookout for my next review. Encino Man starring THE WEASEL

Critical Film Analysis: Rocky V

Rocky V is one of those films that most people have actually watched, but few will actually acknowledge that they did. I should first state that I love the Rocky series to death including the recently released movie Rocky Balboa, but it is pretty much universally accepted that Rocky V is not only terrible, but should not even be acknowledged. Even cable television has recognized this fact. You'll get a Rocky marathon on TBS or Spike but they won't show the fifth entry.

The movie opens with the titular character Rocky returning from Russia after defeating Ivan Drago, destorying communism, and getting punched so hard his face should have collapsed. So Rocky returns home and bizarro Don King attempts to get him to fight a new challenger but Adrian protests. Does this sound familiar? Adrian has been standing in Rocky's way to fight for the better part of two decades. All is well and good until there is a revelation. Paulie (Adrian's drunk ass brother) has somehow signed power of attorney to the accountant who was flipping real estate and blown all of Rocky's money. This is where the film gets really bad but I should comment on a few things. First of all, I don't buy that Paulie could
somehow sign over power of attorney. The more puzzling thing is that Rocky is somehow forced to move back to the same neighborhood that he started in. Rocky just defeated communism. Shouldn't the president help him out? Or maybe the millions of professional contacts he has? Move in to Apollo's old house...he sure isn't using it. Just endorse some crappy products ala Rocky II. HE KNOWS HOW TO READ NOW!! Blah.

This sets the stage for an upcoming boxer who Rocky takes under his wing. Rockys son gets bitter that he is not being shown as much attention so in response he starts hanging out with the "bad crowd." And by bad crowd I mean he starts wearing this absurdly large earring and smokes a cigarette!! I'm actually getting angry as I write this so I'm going to quickly summarize what happens next. Tommy "the machine" Gunn is who he was mentoring. He gets pissed and leaves...then comes back to challenge Rocky to a street fight. They fight in the street, its really stupid and Rocky remains poor. WHAT THE HELL. Terrible movie. TERRIBLE MOVIE. Its probably one of my least favorite movies of all time.

Oft Neglected

I said I was going to do this blog fulltime and I have failed at my duties. MY B. I'll be doing another installment of Critical Film Analysis later this week. Definitely leading towards Commando but I am also considering all of Stallone's body of work. Throw Mama from the Train could be the winner!

If you want proof Hollywood is by and large completely devoid of any sane people working at the studios...I give you this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Ii1N78Sm0

A trailer for the new movie: Meet the Spartans. Wow, this is fucking terrible. I mean jesus I did not even smirk. Well I did once I started reading the Youtube comments. Always a bastion for intelligent discourse you get people who actually liked this. I weep for the future.

Attention Hollywood

Hollywood, I realize you love sequels. Hell, most of the biggest movies this past summer were sequels. The one thing I want to know is where is my sequel to one of the greatest movies ever?! Of course I'm talking about the incredible character driven comedy with Jon Lovitz. That being, High School High!! It doesn't really get any better than that movie. We have Tia Carrera who I think was legitimately funny and should have been in more movies. Then there is really stupid racial stereotypes. Its a simple request...we need more High School High. Complete the thrillogy.