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Friday, October 30, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Things And Things
First of all, fuck you Desean Jackson. I'm very glad you are tonight of all nights deciding to light up the Redskins since I already have my fantasty football week wrapped up...in that I won. Last week against the terrible Raiders you pulled a no show.
Secondly I think I've asked this question but whats the deal with porn magazines in airports. Besides the social shame of purchasing a dirty magazine from some 57 year old woman working at the store in the airport, you have the shame of trying to figure out when you're actually going to "use" it. Lets just say you decide to have your own little mile high club moment. There is not really any sort of sly way you can smuggle the magazine with you in to the bathroom. Unless I suppose you take your whole carry on bag with you in to the bathroom and even then you look a bit weird. Plus, who doesn't own a damn computer at this point?
Thirdly, why isn't every store at the airport open 24 hours? Is it not completely insane and stupid that an airport can be closed?! At the very least leave open one or two "general" stores so at the very least I can buy a damn candy bar.
Also Jeff Dunham is not funny and in fact fucking sucks ass.
Secondly I think I've asked this question but whats the deal with porn magazines in airports. Besides the social shame of purchasing a dirty magazine from some 57 year old woman working at the store in the airport, you have the shame of trying to figure out when you're actually going to "use" it. Lets just say you decide to have your own little mile high club moment. There is not really any sort of sly way you can smuggle the magazine with you in to the bathroom. Unless I suppose you take your whole carry on bag with you in to the bathroom and even then you look a bit weird. Plus, who doesn't own a damn computer at this point?
Thirdly, why isn't every store at the airport open 24 hours? Is it not completely insane and stupid that an airport can be closed?! At the very least leave open one or two "general" stores so at the very least I can buy a damn candy bar.
Also Jeff Dunham is not funny and in fact fucking sucks ass.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
The Worst Pop Culture Moment Ever
First of all I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that one Falcon aka Balloon Boy gripped the nation for several non productive hours as he allegedly floated away in a home made balloon...and by floated away I mean sat in his fucking house in a cardboard box. There is nothing to do but laugh about how awesome America is.
Now on to the worst pop culture moment of all time. I thought long and hard about this but I honestly think that the entire entity that was the Macarena craze really was the worst thing ever in the history of popular culture. The Macarena Remix by the Bayside Boys really managed for multiple reasons to completely take over pop culture and be obnoxious by existing in every facet of life. It also benefited by existing in a time that I would classify as "pre-internet." Yes the internet existed, but not as it does today. The way that media is aggregated, repeated, and spread through the internet means that anything that is going to be incredibly popular will crest faster, be picked up by more mainstream media faster, and ultimately die a quicker death.
I would like to say I hold no ill will towards Los Del Rio (the two older gentleman who provide the main hook in the song) as they had long careers and I hope they were able to make a lot of money off of this.
Reason 1 why The Macarena Was Terrible: It Had It's Own Dance
I distinctly remember there being news stories about there being Macarena dance classes for elderly people in retirement homes. You know you've completely reached the point of saturation when old people are embracing you. Plus you've got the thousands of wedding DJ's who would spin this song and all the awkward middle aged folk getting on the dance floor awkwardly repeating the dance. I also swear I remember them doing a whole little joke/dance/segment on The Today Show and goddamn it was bad. 50,000 people performed the "macarena" in Yankee Stadium attempting to set a record officially making Yankee Stadium the worst stadium of all time.
Reason 2: It was legitimately being played on the radio
The other thing was it was pretty much impossible to escape it. It was being played on all sorts of radio stations and people were legitimately in to the song. Not that this has anything to do with the radio but you know goddamn well that at some point during its most popular there was some manager of some store who as an "ICE BREAKER" for all the pissed off and bitter employees thought that the "TEAM" should all do the macarena together to lighten everyone up. Yeah.
It was undeniably popular. It spent 14 weeks at Number 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart.
Reason 3: This
Ultimately I see my biggest issue with it is how it really became The People's Anthem. Everyone really liked it which isn't actually a bad thing. The bad part was that there was a dance associated with it. I therefore am forced to cast my vote as this being the worst popular culture moment of all time.
Now on to the worst pop culture moment of all time. I thought long and hard about this but I honestly think that the entire entity that was the Macarena craze really was the worst thing ever in the history of popular culture. The Macarena Remix by the Bayside Boys really managed for multiple reasons to completely take over pop culture and be obnoxious by existing in every facet of life. It also benefited by existing in a time that I would classify as "pre-internet." Yes the internet existed, but not as it does today. The way that media is aggregated, repeated, and spread through the internet means that anything that is going to be incredibly popular will crest faster, be picked up by more mainstream media faster, and ultimately die a quicker death.
I would like to say I hold no ill will towards Los Del Rio (the two older gentleman who provide the main hook in the song) as they had long careers and I hope they were able to make a lot of money off of this.
Reason 1 why The Macarena Was Terrible: It Had It's Own Dance
I distinctly remember there being news stories about there being Macarena dance classes for elderly people in retirement homes. You know you've completely reached the point of saturation when old people are embracing you. Plus you've got the thousands of wedding DJ's who would spin this song and all the awkward middle aged folk getting on the dance floor awkwardly repeating the dance. I also swear I remember them doing a whole little joke/dance/segment on The Today Show and goddamn it was bad. 50,000 people performed the "macarena" in Yankee Stadium attempting to set a record officially making Yankee Stadium the worst stadium of all time.
Reason 2: It was legitimately being played on the radio
The other thing was it was pretty much impossible to escape it. It was being played on all sorts of radio stations and people were legitimately in to the song. Not that this has anything to do with the radio but you know goddamn well that at some point during its most popular there was some manager of some store who as an "ICE BREAKER" for all the pissed off and bitter employees thought that the "TEAM" should all do the macarena together to lighten everyone up. Yeah.
It was undeniably popular. It spent 14 weeks at Number 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart.
Reason 3: This
Ultimately I see my biggest issue with it is how it really became The People's Anthem. Everyone really liked it which isn't actually a bad thing. The bad part was that there was a dance associated with it. I therefore am forced to cast my vote as this being the worst popular culture moment of all time.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Zombies Are On My List
There was a bit of a zombie renaissance that started gaining a bit of steam at the turn of the millennium (Not to be mistaken with the Willennium or the song Millennium by Robbie Williams). I'm no zombie scholar but if I recall correctly 28 Days Later really helped reinvigorate/jump start a whole new slew of zombie films. And yes, I realize that in 28 Days Later they aren't actually "zombies" in the traditional sense but rather "infected" citizens who have come down with the "Rage Virus." That said they're fucking zombies who run really fast and will vomit blood and tear your face off.
After that you start getting things like 'The Zombie Survival Guide' (It's a book published in 2003), Shaun of the Dead in 2004, Dawn of the Dead (remake in 2004), Land of the Dead (2005) and so on. Then you get Zombie Pub Crawls and World War Z and quite frankly its getting a bit played out. I'm about as big a zombie fan as you can get. Have I sat with friends and talked for hours about theoretical zombie invasions and what the best course of action/survival would be? Yes. Do I sometimes secretly wish a zombie apocalypse would take place so I could finally assert myself as a badass zombie killer? Yes. Do I still think that zombies are way to over exposed at this point and are getting painfully played out? Yes!
Now you might be saying, "But Scott, why should someones enjoyment of zombies get in the way of your own enjoyment?" The simple answer is that I'm a complete blowhard. Plus you have to agree...in the way that both pirates and ninjas were briefly getting bashed in to the ground so too zombies are now being done the same way. Zombies are awesome and smashing their head in with a shovel is always awesome, but when zombies are everywhere the enjoyment just isn't the same.
Some historians view 1968 as the year that changed every thing. In particular the massive ground swelling of protests throughout the world against a variety of different opponents. I view 2009 in a similar vain...2009 the year Scott Rebelled Against Zombies.
After that you start getting things like 'The Zombie Survival Guide' (It's a book published in 2003), Shaun of the Dead in 2004, Dawn of the Dead (remake in 2004), Land of the Dead (2005) and so on. Then you get Zombie Pub Crawls and World War Z and quite frankly its getting a bit played out. I'm about as big a zombie fan as you can get. Have I sat with friends and talked for hours about theoretical zombie invasions and what the best course of action/survival would be? Yes. Do I sometimes secretly wish a zombie apocalypse would take place so I could finally assert myself as a badass zombie killer? Yes. Do I still think that zombies are way to over exposed at this point and are getting painfully played out? Yes!
Now you might be saying, "But Scott, why should someones enjoyment of zombies get in the way of your own enjoyment?" The simple answer is that I'm a complete blowhard. Plus you have to agree...in the way that both pirates and ninjas were briefly getting bashed in to the ground so too zombies are now being done the same way. Zombies are awesome and smashing their head in with a shovel is always awesome, but when zombies are everywhere the enjoyment just isn't the same.
Some historians view 1968 as the year that changed every thing. In particular the massive ground swelling of protests throughout the world against a variety of different opponents. I view 2009 in a similar vain...2009 the year Scott Rebelled Against Zombies.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
I Hate People Who Don't Like Sports
This rarely occurs in my life because I like to surround myself with people who enjoy the same things that I do...but on occasion I will be faced with someone who with a sneer and maybe even a smile says something like, "I just don't get why you would waste your time watching X sport."
'X' could be hockey, basketball, baseball, football, soccer, or curling. There are a few reasons why this question is stupid. Many times this question is pointed in that it implies that I am wasting my time getting obsessed with a sport and creating some facet of my identity with a group of people who are being paid a lot to perform in a game with a set of arbitrary rules. When you deconstruct anything though you can make it sound childish and pedantic. In theory I could live in a goddamn log cabin I built with my bare hands and cultivate the earth and live in a completely agrarian lifestyle. On the other hand, I live in a place called REALITY where I like to be entertained. Most people who sneer at sports would probably find cinema truly rewarding. I too find cinema immensely rewarding but for many of the same reasons.
Sports are larger than life. These athletes play in front of immense crowds. There is drama in the mundane. Rare is it that a person can be held in suspense, moved to tears, and joy all in a short period but this is what sports provide. It fills the void for many who otherwise live rather mundane lives. Sports are cathartic. TNT claims to know drama....they don't know shit.
'X' could be hockey, basketball, baseball, football, soccer, or curling. There are a few reasons why this question is stupid. Many times this question is pointed in that it implies that I am wasting my time getting obsessed with a sport and creating some facet of my identity with a group of people who are being paid a lot to perform in a game with a set of arbitrary rules. When you deconstruct anything though you can make it sound childish and pedantic. In theory I could live in a goddamn log cabin I built with my bare hands and cultivate the earth and live in a completely agrarian lifestyle. On the other hand, I live in a place called REALITY where I like to be entertained. Most people who sneer at sports would probably find cinema truly rewarding. I too find cinema immensely rewarding but for many of the same reasons.
Sports are larger than life. These athletes play in front of immense crowds. There is drama in the mundane. Rare is it that a person can be held in suspense, moved to tears, and joy all in a short period but this is what sports provide. It fills the void for many who otherwise live rather mundane lives. Sports are cathartic. TNT claims to know drama....they don't know shit.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Extreme Makeover: Scott Gets Emotional Edition
I watch an absurd amount of television...which is made even more amazing by the fact that I don't even own a television. I've talked in the past of my secret obsession with the show Take Home Chef (and how it could easily be a porno).
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition has a pretty simple premise. A build team goes around and finds worthy candidates who need a new house. They then build a completely new house in a week. In that time we find out tid bits about the family and then we get absurdly emotional and heart strings tugging when the new house is revealed for the first time to the family. What can I say though...most of the time it definitely gets a bit dusty when the family is walking through their brand new house. Often too the rooms are tailored to the childrens interests as well as any sort of issues they as residents may have. If the wife is in a wheel chair all the appliances are lowered and made more wheel chair accessible.
My point? I will watch your show and I will feel good about myself. It's like the show Little House on the Prairie...in that I think in that show there must have been some sort of contractual obligation for Michael Landon to be near tears/crying in every episode.
This is a good time to point out one last thing. Living "on the prairie" would really really suck. Besides the fact that breaking your leg when it was crop planting season could spell doom for not only your financial well being, but possibly also your lives in general. If you can't plant crops you can't make any money or grow food or sell/trade to live through the winter. By the way, your log cabin doesn't have good insulation and that gigantic blizzard that will hit this January means that you're going to be eating the same salted pork butt you've been saving for the next 3 weeks. Also, you never eat fruit and eating a dehydrated piece of rhubarb over christmas is considered a feast.
I'm so glad I'm living in the present where we have central heating, air conditioning, and fresh water that I actually use just to piss in and flush away.
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition has a pretty simple premise. A build team goes around and finds worthy candidates who need a new house. They then build a completely new house in a week. In that time we find out tid bits about the family and then we get absurdly emotional and heart strings tugging when the new house is revealed for the first time to the family. What can I say though...most of the time it definitely gets a bit dusty when the family is walking through their brand new house. Often too the rooms are tailored to the childrens interests as well as any sort of issues they as residents may have. If the wife is in a wheel chair all the appliances are lowered and made more wheel chair accessible.
My point? I will watch your show and I will feel good about myself. It's like the show Little House on the Prairie...in that I think in that show there must have been some sort of contractual obligation for Michael Landon to be near tears/crying in every episode.
This is a good time to point out one last thing. Living "on the prairie" would really really suck. Besides the fact that breaking your leg when it was crop planting season could spell doom for not only your financial well being, but possibly also your lives in general. If you can't plant crops you can't make any money or grow food or sell/trade to live through the winter. By the way, your log cabin doesn't have good insulation and that gigantic blizzard that will hit this January means that you're going to be eating the same salted pork butt you've been saving for the next 3 weeks. Also, you never eat fruit and eating a dehydrated piece of rhubarb over christmas is considered a feast.
I'm so glad I'm living in the present where we have central heating, air conditioning, and fresh water that I actually use just to piss in and flush away.
Monday, October 05, 2009
Why So Serious?
I think it goes without argument that The Dark Knight was one of the best movies from 2008. It had the perfect combination of legitimate engaging story, good to great acting, engaging scenes, and a great bit of pop culture sensibility. Little did I realize at the time, but The Dark Knight was going to become the greatest television movie of all time.
What I mean is that whenever this movie is on TV I will probably end up watching a good portion of it. I'm a sucker like this. I own the Back to the Future trilogy. I can watch it whenever I want. I've also seen the movie about 250 times. With all that in mind I will still watch it when it happens to be on TBS. Same goes for Rocky 3 and 4. Once the holiday season rolls around (AKA ALMOST RIGHT NOW) they will do those crazy Rocky Marathons on a variety of channels. This could practically be called 'The Shawshank Redemption Memorial List' since TNT from the mid to late 90's in to the early 2000's would pretty much run The Shawshank Redemption at least twice a month.
The Dark Knight has a few things going for it. For one, you have Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker was awesome. The movie is a good two and a half hours and its not like the Joker is actually on screen for that much of the movie but when he isn't on screen you always feel his presence/want more. This sets up the great TV viewing situation. Hypothetically speaking lets say you really like Heath Ledger's performance and love when he is on screen. When you're flipping through channels and you see that The Dark Knight is on and say its early on in the movie with Batman in China you know that there are some choice Joker scenes coming up you will automatically sit around and wait for those. The beauty is that even if you love The Joker scenes you aren't just sitting around watching paint dry. For the most part the movie is very engaging and never dull.
Think of it like the big shootout in Heat. You know the big shootout is coming up but its still more than an hour away. The reality of the situation is that you are now invested in wanting to see that scene so you are just going to watch the whole damn thing. You dare not start changing channels once it hits commercials for fear of missing the scenes you really like because you got distracted and started watching that episode of Seinfeld where George keeps trying to get fired. I feel like The Dark Knight will enter in to the pantheon of movies that are pretty much ingrained in popular culture to the point where when its on you just watch it. It is going to be like Die Hard is. It should be noted though that I think The Dark Knight is still only on premium channels and hasn't trickled down to cable viewing yet. But once it does...watch out.
Oh and if you don't like the movie, I hate you forever.
What I mean is that whenever this movie is on TV I will probably end up watching a good portion of it. I'm a sucker like this. I own the Back to the Future trilogy. I can watch it whenever I want. I've also seen the movie about 250 times. With all that in mind I will still watch it when it happens to be on TBS. Same goes for Rocky 3 and 4. Once the holiday season rolls around (AKA ALMOST RIGHT NOW) they will do those crazy Rocky Marathons on a variety of channels. This could practically be called 'The Shawshank Redemption Memorial List' since TNT from the mid to late 90's in to the early 2000's would pretty much run The Shawshank Redemption at least twice a month.
The Dark Knight has a few things going for it. For one, you have Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker was awesome. The movie is a good two and a half hours and its not like the Joker is actually on screen for that much of the movie but when he isn't on screen you always feel his presence/want more. This sets up the great TV viewing situation. Hypothetically speaking lets say you really like Heath Ledger's performance and love when he is on screen. When you're flipping through channels and you see that The Dark Knight is on and say its early on in the movie with Batman in China you know that there are some choice Joker scenes coming up you will automatically sit around and wait for those. The beauty is that even if you love The Joker scenes you aren't just sitting around watching paint dry. For the most part the movie is very engaging and never dull.
Think of it like the big shootout in Heat. You know the big shootout is coming up but its still more than an hour away. The reality of the situation is that you are now invested in wanting to see that scene so you are just going to watch the whole damn thing. You dare not start changing channels once it hits commercials for fear of missing the scenes you really like because you got distracted and started watching that episode of Seinfeld where George keeps trying to get fired. I feel like The Dark Knight will enter in to the pantheon of movies that are pretty much ingrained in popular culture to the point where when its on you just watch it. It is going to be like Die Hard is. It should be noted though that I think The Dark Knight is still only on premium channels and hasn't trickled down to cable viewing yet. But once it does...watch out.
Oh and if you don't like the movie, I hate you forever.
Friday, October 02, 2009
TIME MACHINE, TIME MACHINE
People didn't want to hear songs about things that hadn't even been invented yet.
This is pure comic brilliance from top to bottom. Much like Tupac though...I'm bout to 'Hit Em Up' with this next round of fun crap.
I've talked about the particulars of my fear of taking a crap in a public restroom. I really dislike restaurants where the bathroom is really big but completely open. What I'm saying is when the bathroom is for a single person to use at one time but then they sit the toilet in one corner and the door in a far other corner. The fear of course is that while I'm mid-crap someone busts the door open and that person not only sees what true fear looks like when our eyes meet, but the awkward afterwards where they will blab some sort of half apology as they quickly close the door and I'm left with zero dignity when I return to my meal. Furthermore it always confounds me when the bathroom door only has the handle lock and not a dead bolt. The handle lock where when you turn the handle from the inside and then it unlocks the door is the worst. You can't ever be sure from the inside if its actually locked!!!
The one good thing about 'going number 2' (why is it referred to as number 2?) in a restaurant is that you immediately know if the place is fucking terrible. A well stocked bathroom (hand soap, hot water, extra toilet paper) means that they pay attention to details. Signs the restaurant you're at may in fact suck include: Really creepy low light in the bathroom, it smells terrible, bathroom is suspiciously wet, and out of important supplies.
Last Note to My Readers: I'm coming to Minneapolis in a couple weeks and about to tear that mutha a new one....and by tear that mutha I mean eat some good food...and by good food I mean eat junk food that I miss. As you may know in California everything is probably organic and costs 43 dollars more than it should.
This is pure comic brilliance from top to bottom. Much like Tupac though...I'm bout to 'Hit Em Up' with this next round of fun crap.
I've talked about the particulars of my fear of taking a crap in a public restroom. I really dislike restaurants where the bathroom is really big but completely open. What I'm saying is when the bathroom is for a single person to use at one time but then they sit the toilet in one corner and the door in a far other corner. The fear of course is that while I'm mid-crap someone busts the door open and that person not only sees what true fear looks like when our eyes meet, but the awkward afterwards where they will blab some sort of half apology as they quickly close the door and I'm left with zero dignity when I return to my meal. Furthermore it always confounds me when the bathroom door only has the handle lock and not a dead bolt. The handle lock where when you turn the handle from the inside and then it unlocks the door is the worst. You can't ever be sure from the inside if its actually locked!!!
The one good thing about 'going number 2' (why is it referred to as number 2?) in a restaurant is that you immediately know if the place is fucking terrible. A well stocked bathroom (hand soap, hot water, extra toilet paper) means that they pay attention to details. Signs the restaurant you're at may in fact suck include: Really creepy low light in the bathroom, it smells terrible, bathroom is suspiciously wet, and out of important supplies.
Last Note to My Readers: I'm coming to Minneapolis in a couple weeks and about to tear that mutha a new one....and by tear that mutha I mean eat some good food...and by good food I mean eat junk food that I miss. As you may know in California everything is probably organic and costs 43 dollars more than it should.
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