Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

And by that I mean I will now be judging people. I've probably touched on this in the past but one thing I do truly miss is the deluge of late morning/early afternoon talk shows of the late 90's. I'm talking post Donahue and Sally Jessy Raphael and more Montel, Leeza Gibbons, Ricki Lake, and Maury. Okay now I'm positive I've blogged about this in the past. Either way fat babies were back in the news and that is one of my favorite day time talk show topics.

MORBIDLY OBESE BABIES. On one hand its awful. Young children weighing over a hundred pounds. But I love the setup montages of the fat babies eating a big burger or stuffing their face with cookies. It cracks me up. Or in this case eating tooth paste.



To psycho analyze, I probably like these episodes because I am deep down a very insecure person who has long had a history of....NAH FUCK THAT. I think its funny to see these fat babies carted out for our viewing pleasure and watching the parent sobbing about how they can't say no to their obese offspring. THE BABY EATS TOOTHPASTE FOR GOD SAKE. Maybe this does say something about our society. Both my ability to consume (PUN INTENDED) such entertainment, and the environment where a child can get hilariously overweight. Somehow I doubt the child slave in Pakistan who since they were able to, have been working as a brick maker to pay off some ridiculous debt that has been heaped on their family for generations. What type of sloth have we created?! HAVE WE ALL GONE MAD!??! Yes, probably.

Listen Up Bro

Turkey Day. I ate the usual suspects but there was a real winner this year. Pickles. I ate a shit ton of pickles this thanksgiving. It was great.

What isn't great is watching football and thanksgiving and seeing lots and lots of Geico advertisements. They started cute. A talking gecko who randomly changed accents after a year. But once those fucking cavemen showed up...There have been dozens of these cavemen commercials. I'm not even going to embed a caveman commercial because they offend my sensibilities. At this point, the moment I realize its a caveman commercial (which is nearly instantaneous) I start to get very angry.

The worst thing about the newest ones is that they don't appear to be filmed on a good camera. It's like someone was using their iphone to record a commercial.

Don't forget about the short lived Cavemen tv series spinoff. The show was described as, "unique buddy comedy that offers a clever twist on stereotypes and turns race relations on its head." I prefer to call it, weird as fuck and not good. I don't like saying that since Nick Kroll was in it. Kroll is someone I think is hilarious. But even he couldn't turn the show around.

I'd like to rant on and on about the show but I can't. I don't know enough about it. I will simply state that this was a sad time in America. IN closing, I believe in America. I believe we still have time to do a porn parody of the Geico Cavemen. It will be titled, 'THIS AIN'T THE CAVEMEN XXX' and well...you know how the rest goes. Lots of down and dirty sex with a cameo from a guy dressed in a gecko suit.

SOUTH COAST TOYOTA

Well. You might have thought I gave up. No more witty analysis on stupid shit. Well you were wrong. I'm back in full effect. And this time the comeback isn't a highly staged attention grab.

I do find it comforting in this day and age that if I'm trying to find something that I vaguely recall from some bygone time, it is probably on the internet. I was just talking with a friend of mine online and we were discussing annoying commercials (both radio and television) that are completely local things. And what did I do? I went to youtube, searched "SOUTH COAST TOYOTA" and the first video to appear is someone taking a video in their car while on the radio the 'South Coast Toyota' song plays. This would have been impossible ten years ago. For one, I'm not even in the Los Angeles area where this is playing. I could only mention it in passing about how when I lived in Los Angeles there was some annoying commercial. Today I can mention it and my friend across the country can watch it.



Which reminds me that I was reading The Economist while sitting in the bathroom the other day and they had a very pretentious section. It was an insert in The Economist that was labeled Intelligent Life. It was essentially a mini art section special that they had inserted. Talking about Andy Warhol and his true worth and other such non-sense. JUST TELL ME ABOUT HEDGE FUNDS IN ASIA! But anyhow, in one section they had an article asking the age old time travel question, "What was the best time, and place, to be alive? More in depth answers from the article I'm talking about can be found here: http://moreintelligentlife.com/

Of course they're all pretentious and shitty answers. Lucy Kellaway says she would want to be in America around 15,000 BC. She is the management columnist at the Financial Times.

"Hunter-gatherers were far more equal than us - men and women, rich and poor. They spent time on things modern life does not encourage: chatting, playing with children and having sex with more than one person."

Now my early human history is a bit sketchy but nothing about 15,000 BC or anytime around then sounds particularly enjoyable. Increased technological advances like finer flint tools and harpoons began appearing. This was also a time of massive climate change for the colder. Nothing like living during the time when massive ice sheets blanketed most of the earth. Ice covering all of Canada and pushing down through the upper half of present day United States really wants to make me fuck. She's right though. Everyone was much more equal. IN that all humans were in a constant life or death struggle and one broken ankle out on a days hunt could mean you would die cold, alone, and starving. There would be plenty of time for chatting between the daily struggle of surviving against your fellow man and natures cold uncaring spectre that threatened your every day existence and which drove you in a constant pursuit of food, shelter, and if time permitted procreating. 15,000 BC also predates the Neolithic Revolution which means that the ability to live an agrarian life of semi sustainable subsistence farming had yet to occur. Have fun tracking the wild herds of animals across great swaths of land.

Just me talking but I'd settle for right now. Not fifty years ago, not thirty years ago, but today. I like living today knowing what I know. I like the endless diversions in so called mindless entertainment. I like not having to sit under a darkened sky in a cave in the middle of nowhere contemplating how I will hunt better the next day as my stomach rumbles and shakes because myself and my clan have been unable to track the herd of deer we've been following for weeks. I enjoy the fact that the compound fracture in my right arm isn't a death sentence. I like checking my iphone all the time to see if someone said something funny. There was no time for sarcasm when a saber toothed cat could rip me to shreds. I am here right now because we are homo sapiens. "The Wise man" or "knowing man" in Latin. We have opposable thumbs. We build. We dream. And right now is as good a time as any.

We also wheez the juice.

Screams From the Haters

I was taking a break. That's all. I got a new computer and its fucking awesome. I've also been pigging the fuck out the last few weeks what with the state fair, friends visiting, me traveling, and generally being a slob. No joke I've gained like 9 pounds since I was in Japan. NICE.

Heading to Davenport Iowa tomorrow. WIth that in mind I'll drop this little ditty. The best part about this song is that you know so many people have gotten "it on" to this song. And by using "gotten it on" I have ensured I will not be "getting it on" anytime soon. Unless I find true love in Davenport.

TRICKY TRICKY PEOPLE

I CAN'T STOP WATCHING THIS

YELLOW DINO: PEDO HUNTER from Everything Is Terrible! on Vimeo.

Collateral

It isn't my favorite movie of all time. It isn't the greatest film of all time. It isn't the best Michael Mann film. It is a film that I can always watch and it is a film I will recommend to anyone. The film is Collateral. It stars Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx who essentially share screen time. It also came out right before everyone began irrationally hating Tom Cruise.

The short version of the story is that Max (Foxx) is a cab driver. He picks up a fare by the name of Vincent (Cruise) who claims he is in town to close a real estate deal. He needs to be driven around all night through out Los Angeles stopping to meet with five people and then leave town by morning. In reality Cruise is a contract killer hired by a drug cartel to eliminate witnesses in a Federal trial. Max gets involved when a victim falls on his cab. Chaos ensues.

What I find most compelling about Collateral is the didactic quality that Max and Vincent end up having. There is an ethos that is applied across many of Mann's films that you have to buy in to though. If you aren't buying what he's selling, you'll probably find a film like Collateral much less compelling than I do. That ethos would be a quasi "warriors code" of cops and criminals. There is a common morality that is found throughout another Mann film Heat that also touches on this. That despite the fact that two men may be on opposite sides of the law, they are more alike than any other men. In this case though, Vincent is somewhat indifferent in regards to a baseline morality. Or rather he doesn't subscribe to the common social views of what is right and wrong. He is merely a cipher. Though as the night progresses Vincent and Max do in a bizarre and antagonistic way become partners. It may be a begrudging partnership, but a partnership none the less.

Another reason for me gushing about this film randomly is the fact that it reveals a Los Angeles that is rarely shown on film. This isn't a film for the most part that pretends downtown Los Angeles is a bustling center of life like it was midtown Manhattan. It also doesn't reside on the west side of Los Angeles (Malibu, Santa Monica, Westwood, or even Beverly Hills). This is a film that shows a Los Angeles far less traveled. It even ends with a shootout on *GASP* Los Angeles public transit. The film also used digital camera setups for many scenes that as one critic pointed out though their name escapes me now, how the clarity that digital brought managed to highlight the eery and bizarre glow that occurs at night in to early morning of the Los Angeles skies.

The score throughout is great. Mann has in commentaries mentioned the use of a more organic score and its definitely present in the closing moments of the film. Go watch Collateral if you haven't.

Funny!

Andy Daly has proved to be one of the funniest guys ever. If you don't listen to Comedy Death Ray Radio then you should. In short, the format is pretty basic though it does take a bit to get used to. Scott Aukerman plays host, there is a person who appears as themselves (I.E. Patton Oswalt will be on to talk about random stuff), and then there is usually another comedian on who will be playing a character. There can be more or less people but its usually as I mentioned. There is a rhythm to how the show works that can be a bit off putting. I got used to it after a few episodes though.

Anyhow Andy Daly is funny. I also think Brett Gelman is probably one of the funniest guys in the world right now, but anytime he is on Comedy Death Ray he also kills.

This friday I'm going to go see Chuck Klosterman talk about something...I guess. Craig Finn will be there too. I'm not sure how that will all work out.


This post was simply to inform you of who I think is awesome. Sorry if you didn't like it. But to entertain you a bit NORM MACDONALD GIVING A GREAT INTERVIEW TO THE AVCLUB!


AVC: What else don’t you like about televised stand-up?

NM: It never really makes me laugh. The only one I ever saw that I liked was Richard Pryor, and that was [shot on] film. I’ve just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn’t know them, I wouldn’t know they were funny from the television. I don’t know what it does, it just sucks it away. It’s a live experience. It’s like when they fucking show—I know nothing about plays and shit, but sometimes they’ll show a play on TV, and it’s fucking shit, because you’re like, “What the fuck, am I supposed to think that’s a moon?” Like it’s a cardboard moon or some shit.

Dear Winona Ryder

What is up? Call me.

Time After Time

The only thing I can say about this video is that I always found it weird that she is clutching a porcelain dog. Why not a stuffed one...you know, cause its soft and what not.

Revolution X: A Survival Guide For Our Generation

No, I'm not talking about Revolution X, the arcade shooter video game that featured Aerosmith prominently as seen here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Revolution_X

I'm talking about the hopelessly hilarious and out of date book written in 1994 entitled 'Revolution X: A Survival Guide For Our Generation' by Rob Nelson and Jon Cowan. With a forward by Bill Bradley no less.

Any book purporting to be speaking to a specific generation is going to inevitably look silly as time passes. That much is obvious. And believe me when I say that I approached this book with a healthy amount of leeway given the title and how easy it is to mock things that speak earnestly. That said, it's hard not to laugh at this book. At the time this was as earnest and serious as it comes, but I don't think the two authors could have foreseen in such a short period how much irony, post-irony, and cynicism would envelop the 'Post Generation X' generation even more so than the aforementioned GENERATION X. I.E. Me and my similarly aged folks.

Let me make it clear. Following the publishing details page, the dedication page reads as follows.

"We dedicate this book to the millions in our generation who are tired of being put in a box and labeled, and who want to join the movement for a better feature."

I burst in to laughter when I saw that. I also immediately envisioned a Claire Danes/My So Called Life or Winona Ryder/Reality Bites saying that while wearing a slightly stretched in a neck oversized wool sweater while their bangs hang slightly in their face and they coyly blow them out of the way. Yeah I envisioned that whole thing while also laughing at how fucking dumb that quote sounds.

To be fair the book mostly outlines how increasing debt, rising cost of education, and things like gay rights are important. And that is true. And one should vote. But the way it is presented is so shockingly hilarious to see that I almost feel bad laughing about it. But I can't help it. I'm writing this on a blog and I'm being snarky and all these things could not have been envisioned by the writers at the time.

The book does attempt to be quite "REAL" by having random side bar boxes in the book that include quotes from real GEN-X folk! Unfortunately it reads really stupidly. Mary, 26 years old and an office assistant drops this pearl of wisdom on us.

"Every day I try to do something to make our lives a little easier, or better. Like try to use just one cup. Or not throw out paper and recycle it."

Elizabeth a 25 year old grad student says, "I don't see our generation as being really content. I think they're search for something. I see a lot of people rejecting what their parents have had or done."

John, age 22 says, "I feel my voice mute in a world increasingly target marketed for people with bladder control problems and who need spray on hair."

Eben who claims to be a 25 year old graphic designer but says, "I went to one of the best colleges in the United States and I'm working as a bike messenger for next to nothing, no benefits, barely paying my rent, not paying my college loans." [HIPSTER!]

Kirsten, 24 year old bartender, "The american dream? Right now...the dream for me personally would just be to survive."

Yeah...again these are honest answers but its hilarious seeing them complain about how shitty things are when they were on the precipice of one of the greatest growth stretches in the American economy. The Dot Com boom and all that fun stuff. But instead we have Susheela, 29, a law school grad saying, "No One's hiring. The job market sucks. I'm paying rent on credit cards."

The book does provide a handy chart entitled "HOW OUR GENERATION WILL REDEFINE POLITICS" which is genuinely worth a laugh. It has two columns. One labeled "THE OLD" and the other "THE NEW."

The Old: Air Force One - The New: Video Teleconferencing
The Old: Polls - The New: Televised National Referendums
The Old: Voting Booths - The New: Voting by Internet
The Old: Evening News/The New York Times - The New: CNN, Cable + Insta-News
The Old: Left vs. Right - The New: Postpartisan

There also happens to be a very funny undercurrent of fear that the Japanese are going to take over! That has now been replaced by China. Included in the book are the "100 Harshest Facts About Your Future."

Number 16: In 1970 The Japanese had none of the world market share in dynamic random access memories, a semicondutor device; by 1988, that share had risen to 80 percent.

Also, this is what the cover looks like:



Am I being an asshole? Yes. Did I buy this at a book store for 2 dollars? Yes. Do I think its funny that people were complaining about college being expensive when they were paying something like 2000 dollars a year on tuition? YES.

A Postmortem

It has been a long time. I'm not apologizing this time though. I will simply admit that I am lazy.

What is worth noting is that I just got back from Texas. I won't say anything disparaging because there really isn't much to say. There are certainly a lot of churches in the Dallas/Fort Worth area though.

Ashley played host to me as I at the last second made a decision to come down to Austin for SXSW. She's got a great place and between her, James, and Jenn they were more than accommodating. Mega-Props to her for getting me in to some great events...and if you're reading this you are probably my friend on Facebook anyways so go there for some more pics.

I will say that SXSW is kind of like a giant block party with lots of music, free beer, mustaches, tattoos, and chicks with weird/hot haircuts where for no reason part of their head is shaved and the other is two feet long. I definitely blew it though when it came to eating a massive texas steak. I feel as though I could pound one of those challenge size steaks where you have to eat 80 ounces worth of meat. I would put my body through the ridiculous pain, meat sweats, and intestinal distress just to say I at a giant chunk of cow.

SXSW did confirm one of my long held beliefs once again. The swedes can make good catchy music.

The Unsubtle Nature of Van Halen's 'Hot for Teacher'

There is nothing subtle about the song Hot For Teacher. For some reason this just occurred to me now though. I was driving home the other night and it came on the radio. There is a spoken line that occurs that certainly drives this home.

One should point out that in Van Halen songs and other songs of that era there were often spoken word parts of the song that help establish a greater story that was occurring within the song. In the Motley Crue song 'Girls, Girls, Girls' we as listeners are literally riding along with the band on motorcycles as they decide on what to do that night (go to the strip club). In the Van Halen Song 'Hot for Teacher' we are one of the students in the class room.

Hey, I heard you missed us
We're back! (Hey!)
I brought my pencil
Give me something to write on, man!

Classy. Still, I like the song.

Forget What You Think You Knew About Your 12 Year Old Self

I think I can say pretty confidently that you as a person will always think you are the coolest you ever will be in the history of your life until at a single as of yet undefined moment in your life will realize that you are no longer cool and just old. Fortunately that time has not yet come for me, but I fear that the time is drawing ever closer.

I could choose to reveal some ridiculously embarrassing moment in my life at this time but I won't. Instead I will just dance around this by stating that at a certain point in my young life I remember I was very obsessed with getting a specific brand of clothing and when I did finally get it I thought I was fucking badass. (NOTE: The brand was not JNCO's nor was it Tommy Hilfiger. But I do recall how popular Tommy Hilfiger shit got for a short period. THE TOMMY HILFIGER LOGO LOOKS STUPID AS FUCK AND PEOPLE LUSTED AFTER THEIR SHITTY TSHIRTS THAT JUST SAID A BRAND NAME ON IT!) I also got pissed when my mom would buy me jeans from a second hand store.

Two things emerge from this.

1. I was a fucking asshole.

2. I was fucking stupid.

When/If I ever have kids I know I'm going to be second hand storing the shit out of my kids wardrobe. Primarily because kids grow so fucking fast and there is no way I'm buying them 80 dollar jeans that will fit their ever growing bodies for more than 20 minutes and the fact that I'm cheap. All shopping will be done at Target. More ironically, we are now in the age or post-post-post irony and shopping and dressing like a fucking doofus is cool. It's not "second hand stores" anymore. It's vintage shopping.

I digress....the point is, I think I'm cooler than I was when I was 12, 18, 22, and so on. Now this can either be true, that I'm getting cooler as time goes on and that its simply just an upward curve on the chart of COOLNESS and that I will continue to get cool until at some point I'm not and then I get lame and old. More likely though is that somewhere here (22-30) I will certainly peak and then its downhill much more abruptly than I'd like.

Now I can transcend the downward spiral of getting lame, but that would require one of two things happening. I die in the next few years which would seal my life in a time capsule of cool and ultimately cause reflection that my life was worthy of praise. I don't want to die soon so that is not good. I could also become insanely famous and therefore prolong (Possibly until I die) my coolness. Someone like Bill Murray is certainly cool forever. Though to be fair, I feel as if Murray did in fact dip in to not so cool territory for a stretch in the mid 90's until he revitalized his career by taking on less overtly comic roles. Instead stretching his range by taking on older more world weary characters that still shared that underlying comic streak of his former years. I'd prefer fame and fortune to early death.

Being Hot Is a Full Time Job

By hot I mean sweating uncomfortably in a old brick building.

I just put "HOT" in the YouTube search and the first entry that comes up is Avril Lavigne's song 'Hot' which has over 34 million views. Approximately 104,000,000 minutes of viewing. That's over 72,000 days worth of Avril viewing. If my math that I did really quickly is correct, Avril is popular...I guess.

I've also come to the depressing realization that I'm now at that fringe age where I'll see some woman on a late night talk show or something and be like, wow, she's hot. Then google her and realize I'm actually older than her.

It's snowing out so its a perfect time for this song! Because in the video it is also cold and snowy.

AIN'T NO FUN

I've been watching the shit out of Antique Roadshow lately on PBS. I prefer the UK version if only because the reactions of the old English people are more entertaining when they hear how much that teapot that their "mum" bought after the war.

Now I've been back in Minnesota for about a month now and I have to say I am enjoying myself. This isn't a livejournal, but I think I can go on and say that even though I've been living in LA for two years, it took me about a day to get back in the Minneapolis groove. On the downside I've gained 5 pounds in about a month because all I'm doing is eating and drinking beer. Which is great, but who wants a negative body image??? I'm happy to say that the ice rinks (public) are open and I've gone in consecutive days.

Which is to say I like winter but only the first half. Although technically the Minnesota winters are about the end of November to the end of March I consider the first half of winter starting in around the middle of November until New Years Day. Hence, the first half of winter kicks ass and is great because I get to see my family, eat a lot, and then party on new years. Then the second half is devoid of fun, its super cold, and everyone wants the spring.

Lastly.

Terrence Malick + Galaxy Forming + Sun Lit Tree Canopies + Partial Period Setting = Most Anticipated Movie of Next Year

I'm Not Usually The Type

I don't usually just post pictures of what I'm eating, but fuck it, thanksgiving was awesome. There should be 3 thanksgivings a year. Space them out properly. I just really like eating and getting together in the name of family.

HAM!!!!

The holy Trinity of green bean casserole, stuffing, and corn.

And yes I busted out the NES.

It's Come to My Attention

That you can learn about porn stars on wikipedia.

The holiday season is upon us and I'm getting everyone the new Kanye album. It's that awesome. What isn't awesome is the Minnesota Vikings season. More tragic than any Bill Shakespeare. Bunk.

More posts coming soon. Too much ham.

Context Is Everything

I am obsessed with contextualizing random moments in time. I realized that this is somewhat of a problem of mine. Not a problem in the traditional sense that of what a problem is, like, "Mike has a drinking problem." It is mostly just a time suck that I fall in to when I should be in bed. Thanks to the internet one can access news archives and dredge up age old news reports, magazine articles, and basically anything else that is out there.

This goes hand in hand with a minor fascination in placing music in the context of the greater pop culture land scape. I tend to claim that I'm not a music buff. I also typically claim I am not particularly passionate when it comes to music. I don't mind listening to the radio and I guess I could describe my music listening pattern as strongly as, if its catchy than I'll probably like it.

What I do end up doing a lot of though is reading music reviews. Last night I was digging up old reviews of the U2 album War. I was also watching old concert footage of them performing songs like New Years Day. Besides the fact that New Years Day is a great song and probably my favorite U2 song, I had a good bit of fun trying to imagine how exciting it would have been to be the age I am, but listening to this album for the first time. Imagining going to the record shop and picking up this record. I tried to find a review from England or Ireland. Namely because War was the first album from U2 to do significant sales outside of those two countries (Or rather Ireland or the UK). And since this was before U2 literally was one of the biggest rock groups in the world, I think it is worth exploring the idea that Ireland was proud of this group on the basis that they were somehow representing Ireland to the world...in the way Canadians view their exported celebrities as not just famous people but vaguely as heroes.

There does end up being some bizarre conflicts within my own reality though. For example, the election of Obama in 2008 is barely a memory at all. He's only served half his term up to this point and it is really not that long ago that he was elected. Yet, the other night I spent a few hours rereading some of the election time coverage. In particular I spent time reading stories from the days right before and after the November election and a few stories from right before the inauguration. Hyperreality is the wrong word for the way I felt but I'm just going to say it anyways because I can't think of a better way of putting it. I actually remember where I was on the night of the November election. I remember feeling pleased that he was elected and there was what some would call an 'electricity' in the air.

Yet while rereading the news stories about African-Americans who never thought they'd see the day of a black president while growing up in the Jim Crow south or the first hand reporting from a reporter in Chicago somehow made my own memories feel false and even incomplete. And what I'm about to say is not a wholly original idea from my own mind, but when I re-read those stories about the 08 Election, I know how and why this was a big deal and I want to be part of it, and in a way I was, but in a much more real way, I was merely watching this event pass me by. And in a way it passes everyone by. Every moment does. And I suppose that was what these stories from the election are for. They help contextualize what is going on in an election, and put some perspective on the entire event.

This is why I enjoy history so much. I was a history major in college. 1968 was one of the craziest years in world history. And I'd imagine if you were a striker/protester in 1968 in France as a young man or woman it was an exciting and daring time. Or for a more familiar concept, lets say I was a young college student in the United States. I attended UC-Berkley and I was the stereotypical student who protested the war in Vietnam. And in retrospect if you were still alive today, I would guess that I would probably look back at that time and think that maybe I was naive but I was part of something bigger and that it was a whirlwind time where the country truly felt like it could be torn apart...or maybe not. But these notions hold more sway as you get further from them and they can be written about and dramatized until the only real feelings are fleeting nostalgic memories that are probably half false. Which is probably why photographs are so powerful since they capture fleeting moments but freeze them forever.

This is also probably why Vietnam to me is now nothing more than a few movie montages like this:

COMPLETELY REAL ALIEN ATTACK!!

Yeah. The truth is out there.

Interesting