It's Come to My Attention

That you can learn about porn stars on wikipedia.

The holiday season is upon us and I'm getting everyone the new Kanye album. It's that awesome. What isn't awesome is the Minnesota Vikings season. More tragic than any Bill Shakespeare. Bunk.

More posts coming soon. Too much ham.

Context Is Everything

I am obsessed with contextualizing random moments in time. I realized that this is somewhat of a problem of mine. Not a problem in the traditional sense that of what a problem is, like, "Mike has a drinking problem." It is mostly just a time suck that I fall in to when I should be in bed. Thanks to the internet one can access news archives and dredge up age old news reports, magazine articles, and basically anything else that is out there.

This goes hand in hand with a minor fascination in placing music in the context of the greater pop culture land scape. I tend to claim that I'm not a music buff. I also typically claim I am not particularly passionate when it comes to music. I don't mind listening to the radio and I guess I could describe my music listening pattern as strongly as, if its catchy than I'll probably like it.

What I do end up doing a lot of though is reading music reviews. Last night I was digging up old reviews of the U2 album War. I was also watching old concert footage of them performing songs like New Years Day. Besides the fact that New Years Day is a great song and probably my favorite U2 song, I had a good bit of fun trying to imagine how exciting it would have been to be the age I am, but listening to this album for the first time. Imagining going to the record shop and picking up this record. I tried to find a review from England or Ireland. Namely because War was the first album from U2 to do significant sales outside of those two countries (Or rather Ireland or the UK). And since this was before U2 literally was one of the biggest rock groups in the world, I think it is worth exploring the idea that Ireland was proud of this group on the basis that they were somehow representing Ireland to the world...in the way Canadians view their exported celebrities as not just famous people but vaguely as heroes.

There does end up being some bizarre conflicts within my own reality though. For example, the election of Obama in 2008 is barely a memory at all. He's only served half his term up to this point and it is really not that long ago that he was elected. Yet, the other night I spent a few hours rereading some of the election time coverage. In particular I spent time reading stories from the days right before and after the November election and a few stories from right before the inauguration. Hyperreality is the wrong word for the way I felt but I'm just going to say it anyways because I can't think of a better way of putting it. I actually remember where I was on the night of the November election. I remember feeling pleased that he was elected and there was what some would call an 'electricity' in the air.

Yet while rereading the news stories about African-Americans who never thought they'd see the day of a black president while growing up in the Jim Crow south or the first hand reporting from a reporter in Chicago somehow made my own memories feel false and even incomplete. And what I'm about to say is not a wholly original idea from my own mind, but when I re-read those stories about the 08 Election, I know how and why this was a big deal and I want to be part of it, and in a way I was, but in a much more real way, I was merely watching this event pass me by. And in a way it passes everyone by. Every moment does. And I suppose that was what these stories from the election are for. They help contextualize what is going on in an election, and put some perspective on the entire event.

This is why I enjoy history so much. I was a history major in college. 1968 was one of the craziest years in world history. And I'd imagine if you were a striker/protester in 1968 in France as a young man or woman it was an exciting and daring time. Or for a more familiar concept, lets say I was a young college student in the United States. I attended UC-Berkley and I was the stereotypical student who protested the war in Vietnam. And in retrospect if you were still alive today, I would guess that I would probably look back at that time and think that maybe I was naive but I was part of something bigger and that it was a whirlwind time where the country truly felt like it could be torn apart...or maybe not. But these notions hold more sway as you get further from them and they can be written about and dramatized until the only real feelings are fleeting nostalgic memories that are probably half false. Which is probably why photographs are so powerful since they capture fleeting moments but freeze them forever.

This is also probably why Vietnam to me is now nothing more than a few movie montages like this:

COMPLETELY REAL ALIEN ATTACK!!

Yeah. The truth is out there.

Interesting

Milli Vanilli

I think I've written about Milli Vanilli before. With that in mind I think one thing that is completely under appreciated about Milli Vanilli, is how if a group was caught today in the same fashion that Vanilli was a couple decades ago, it would be madness.

The rise of the gossip blog, increased coverage of every facet of pop culture, and overall media saturation of such an event would be insane. The fact that they won a Grammy for Best New Artist is the cherry on the top of the insanity of the situation. The VH1 'Behind the Music' episode did a very good job of encapsulating how crazy and simultaneously terrible this story was. In another really fucking weird twist is that several lawsuits were brought forward and it was ultimately decided that anyone who purchased Vanilli concert tickets or albums would be eligible for some sort of monetary refund. The entire situation is kind of hilarious in a weird way. Although the legal grounds for such a lawsuit puzzle me. I suppose the people who went to a concert were being defrauded because they weren't actually being performed for, but in a way they were. Was the entertainment that night any less real for the concert goers? It's a similar argument when people talk about steroid use in baseball. You can't ignore that these games took place when people were taking steroids, so to act as though they never occurred is a bit disingenuous.

Yes Fab and Rob were partially to blame for being complicit in the lie, but the fallout of the entire incident was clearly heaped on them. This of course ignores everyone within the recording industry ladder that was complicit in the lie. Ultimately Rob Pilatus, one half of Milli Vanilli ended up killing himself in what was labeled an accidental overdose.

The First Brilliant Use of 3D

The reality of the situation is that Jackass 3D is the first time that I was genuinely excited that a film was going to be in 3D and I knew I wanted to see it. I'll admit. I still haven't seen Avatar. No, I'm not one of those assholes who purposely avoids things because they've now gotten "too cool 4 school." I just have no desire to. The only 3D movie I've seen in theaters up to this point is Toy Story 3. A film which benefited a bit from the 3D format by using it as a way to layer scenes intelligently, but one that I felt in the end did not need 3D.

There has been some online debate over the merits of Jackass. It's humble origins within the Big Brother magazine. The merging of many great minds. The bottom line is by the time it hit MTV and morphed in to cultural phenomenon, it clearly struck a deep chord. The critical voices would have you believe that this is lowest common denominator television/films. It is at its core the very empty vapid idiot programming that in turn spawns legions of slack jawed morons who will imitate and glorify such stunts.

I strongly disagree. The difference between a program/movie like Jackass and a show like The Real Housewives of New Jersey or a movie like Date Movie, is at the very least Jackass 3D is done without any pretension. If you look beyond the launching of dildos from a cannon or eruptions of fecal matter on the screen, you see people having fun. Masochistic fun, but fun none the less. Jon Stewart described it as in his interview with Johnny Knoxville as, "masochistic vaudeville."

I consider myself a vaguely intelligent person and it actually insults me when people feel that a film like this is offensive because anyone could do this. Anyone couldn't do this, or they would. What the Jackass series has proven is that the very base human emotions and reactions of fear, pain, laughter, and danger are something that excite us. Has Jackass 3D elevated these base feelings to great art? I say yes.

Quatum Quandry

I'm watching an episode of Quantum Leap in which Sam leaps into all-American college jock Knut "Wild Thing" Wileton who must prevent anti-war protests from turning violent and resulting in the destruction of the science block while a student is inside, thus ruining the life of a young woman opposed to the war.

Exciting shit right?

Well in a key scene of revelation, Sam is arguing with a very dickish and radical anti-war protester that ultimately violence is not the answer. He then blurts out that his brother died in Vietnam. Sam's brother died in Vietnam. Did Knut's brother? Does he even have a brother?

So according to wikipedia its stated that when Sam jumps in to someone he physically replaces the body of whoever he leaps in to, but to everyone else it is still that person because of some physical aura bullshit. Hence, when Sam leaps in to a boy he still has the strength of a man. It is also implied that then some of his experiences that Sam participates in while the actual person is not really there are then remembered by the original person once Sam leaps out.

With that in mind, I'd still like to see an aftermath of post leaping. Sam leaps in to a strongly conservative person in a conservative town, completely changes the towns views, becomes hated by some because he is very liberal, then leaps out. The original person leaps back in and now he is wondering what the fuck happened.

In conclusion, Quantum Leap is good...I think.

Secrets

'A Movie Script Ending' is the best Death Cab song.



Nostalgia is a powerful feeling. The truth is you can never go back home. The first time is the most magical. I'm not sure about you, but the emotions that get wrapped up in a holiday like Christmas are always much more idealized than the reality of the situation. Which as my humanities teacher said, "you can only get lost once." Which to explicitly state, you can only get lost in a city once. Enjoy it, because the adventure to find whatever you're looking for is only possible once. Then it all becomes familiar.

On the other hand, nostalgia is false. Things are never as good as you think they were.

Not Good

The Twins that is. They suck. 162 games all for naught.

I've always wondered how you become a writer for a magazine like Esquire or Vanity Fair. Magazines like those often have very good articles about a wide variety of things. The war in Iraq, the guy who 'beat' The Price is Right, inside the mind of Bill Gates, and much much more. I know they take freelance submissions in some form or another, but I doubt I could write something and just mail it to them and hope they publish it.

It does seem like most articles even when they're done by different authors have a weird rhythm to them. You'll get an opening paragraph like this:

As I pulled up to Robert Sanders home I was struck by how absolutely normal it appeared. A white picket fence and a small sunflower garden in the front yard. Was this Mayberry? Where was the paper boy riding his one speed bike down the street tossing papers on to perfectly manicured yards? This row of beautiful suburban houses masked the danger and immediacy that a man like Robert Sanders could bring to his environment.

You also get great closing paragraphs and lines.

It's almost November now. Orange and red colors that dotted the trees are gone now. Brown leaves sit on the yard that was once perfectly manicured. A slight drizzle begins and the sounds of crunching leaves is replaced by a light patter against the windows. You would not know it if you looked now, but Robert Sanders still has a dream. He holds it in his heart and his mind. Against the shortening days, the memories from a lifetime ago fade like another season.


All my hopes and dreams have been transferred on to the Vikings this year. I'm expecting a heart wrenching disaster that will shatter me once again. It's fun to be a sports fan.

Much Like Kenny Powers

RANDY MOSS IS BACK!

I Watch SNL

I still watch this show despite the fact that everyone in America hates the show now and if you say you like it you will be immediately met with a line similar to, "Yeah I liked the show better when it had X, Y, and Z on the cast" or "It hasn't been good since (insert decade)."

I will first say I have the utmost respect for both the performers and writers, but I think there are a lot of things that could be better.

1. No more political cold opens ever. Unless it comes out that Obama was smoking weed and driving drunk and seeing a prostitute on the side, there is no need to have a political open every week. Especially when the premise is as hilarious as, Obama wants to pass a bill but can't because the country is locked up in bipartisan politics!

There was a time when SNL was essentially the only outlet for up to the minute political comedy/commentary. Let's not kid ourselves. The Daily Show and Colbert now offer much more timely and scathing political comedy.

I get the feeling that this is the last year of Armisen's tenure and with it will go his Obama impersonation. I will not be holding a memorial. He gets the cadence and mannerisms in general of Obama but he has really brought very little comedically to Obama. To be fair Obama is still a hard nut to crack but I think its time for a new Obama aka Jay Pharoah.

2. A stronger push for genuine variety. Nearly every sketch in the last few years has been one of three variations. A television/game show, a political based sketch, a reoccurring character sketch.

There really appears to be a strong fear of going even remotely esoteric when approaching the sketches. I've heard a variety of times that some very absurdist and esoteric sketches have run in the dress rehearsals and then get cut (which usually lies on Lorne). The only problem is when I've heard about this happening, a sketch like 'The Kissing Family' in which can be a seven minute sketch where the punch line is that everyone tongue kisses everyone with one guest coming over being freaked out.

I also find that its getting harder and harder to defend the writing when they keep dropping Kristen Wiig in sketches that she has to carry by being a weirdo. She is genuinely good in everything that I've seen of her outside of SNL. She's probably the most talented person on the cast right now, but she's getting pushed in to a reoccuring character funk. Stop making her the woman with one really weird social tick or a funny voice.

Dinner

In the ultimate sign of lazy behavior, I had two baked potatoes and cottage cheese for dinner. Pretty pitiful.

But I have to give it up to the Irish. They get a lot more credit than they deserve, but the potato that I know is the one that crossed from the new world back to Europe. A good baked potato is (forgive me for my awful food descriptions) somewhat fibrous in texture but ultimately soft. Depending on how you handle the exterior of the potato you can get different results. I prefer mine crisp and flaky. As I was saying though, the Irish were on to something. Two potatoes filled me up something proper.

I saw Starship Troopers tonight in the theater with the director Paul Verhoeven. For those not familiar, he has directed films such as Robocop, Total Recall, Basic Instinct, Flesh and Blood, Showgirls, and Hollow Man. There was a question and answer portion after the film and it revealed something that I always wanted to know about Paul Verhoeven. It isn't some fluke coincidence that there is usually nudity in his films and it focuses on womens breasts. He just likes looking at them! Stunner.

Finally, I'm waiting on a call for a job that I interviewed with. If i get it tomorrow I will celebrate. If I don't get it tomorrow I will sulk. The end game will be the same though. DRINKING

We Like It Here

I was in Minnesota for a week. I got to go to the State Fair. The Great Minnesota Get-Together. Whatever you want to call it, it was clear to me that it is pure Americana. Sprung forth from the agrarian past, it now is a massing of people to enjoy whatever it means to be a Minnesotan. Namely, eating a lot and probably looking at a few farm animals and some seed art.

But the reason I was back was because my grandmother passed away. It was a long time coming. I had some forewarning. She had been suffering from Alzheimer's for some time. With that in mind you never know how you'll react. I'm writing this back in California. In the place she made home decades ago. Moving from Minnesota to California at that time must have been crazy. Rural Minnesota to Los Angeles post World War II would be quite the jump, just as rural Minnesota to Los Angeles would be today. What I do know though is that Minnesota is my home. It was her home. It always feels good to go back. And now she is home.

That's It, It's Fucking Over

I'm here to announce the official time of death of 'MAKING FUN OF ICP (INSANE CLOWN POSSE), THEIR FANBASE, AND FAYGO." The official time of death is right fucking now.

For years I watched with bizarre horror and amusement as ICP moved their way through the seams of popular culture. From making a bizarre western film to the now internet famous 'magnets' video to the most recent Tila Tequila attack at the Gathering of the Juggalos. At this point though its pretty fucking blown out. Nathan Rabin of The Onion's A.V. Club was even in attendance for "THE GATHERING" for research on a book he is writing. ICP has hit their cultural peak.

I'll be honest and say I was only vaguely aware of their existence for many years. Around 2002 I watched a PBS Frontline documentary entitled 'The Merchants of Cool' which basically broke down how companies create and control what young people and not so young people view as cool and how even rebellion is merely a careful marketing ploy. In this documentary they do talk briefly about ICP and how they have created a legitimate ground swell of support.

To quote Violent J:

Everybody that likes our music feels a super connection. That's why all those juggaloes here, they feel so connected to it because it's- it's exclusively theirs. See, when something's on the radio, it's for everybody, you know what I mean? It's everybody's song. "Oh, this is my song." That ain't your song. It's on the radio. It's everybody's song. But to listen to ICP, you feel like you're the only one that knows about it.

Anyhow, ICP is simply an easy target but by targeting them for mockery it merely reinforces to the existing fan base that everyone else sucks....or something. My point is, if I even have a point is that somewhere post 'Magnets' video a lot more people took notice of ICP. More ironic statements of intent to attend 'The Gathering' appeared.

I'm not the Czar of Popular Culture so I'm not trying to say "STOP MAKING FUN OF THEM," nor am I suggesting that I will stop doing so. At this point though it seems like we as a collective society have hit the tipping point of ICP bashing.

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

Steven Slater Has my Respect

By now you have probably heard of him. If you haven't then you aren't on the internet enough. I'll offer an extremely brief summary. Steven Slater, 38 years old was a flight attendant. After getting in an argument with a passenger who was trying to access the overhead bin before they came to a complete stop on the tarmac, Slater finally hit his breaking point and yelled some brief statements over the intercom. He grabbed a beer before he deployed the emergency chute slide and slid out and drove home.

I respect him because once again I was flying and once again humanity proved how fucking stupid it is. At this point being a flight attendant is a thankless job. No one ever listens to them and it pisses me off. "Please power down all electronic devices while we take off/land." This isn't that hard of an instruction to follow. You don't have to be on your laptop, ipod, iphone, blackberry, ipad, or whatever every waking minute. Guess what douchebag, when they ask everyone that doesn't mean everyone BUT you. But there you go again. I was sitting next to a dude who was like that on one leg of my trip. Just listen to them and do what they tell you to. It isn't fucking hard.

Then you have the morons who don't fucking stow the second bag they brought on as a carry on under their seat. I love that you put your roll on bag and your purse up top so now I can't throw my shit up above my seat and instead have to place it at the end of the plane.

I hate the people who request something right away. Just fucking wait 20 minutes before you start asking someone for a diet coke.

Fuck you dude who starts rolling his eyes once the baby on board starts crying as we take off.

My flight back to Los Angeles had on particular lady though who is clearly a genius. We've been sitting in our seats for around 15 or so minutes. They have finally sealed the doors and are preparing to take off. We have to taxi a bit to our appropriate lane so we can finally take off and right as the pilots announce over the PA, "Flight attendants prepare for take off." THAT IS THE MOMENT YOU DECIDE TO STAND UP TO RETRIEVE SOMETHING OUT OF THE OVERHEAD BIN?!?! You are dumb. Immediately a stewardess jumps on the PA and announces, "Mam you have to sit down we cannot take off with you standing." She doesn't even react as she rummages through her purse. She has a kid that was sitting on her lap too so when she stood up the kid was just chilling in the aisle. If the pilots had gunned it right as she was doing this she definitely would have fallen on her dumbass face and probably crushed her kid.

She decides to create a sequel of this event as we land. Immediately upon landing she decides to stand up and start taking her shit from the overhead bin even though we literally just landed and are still taxiing. She ignored the announcement evidently about having to stay in your seat until we come to a complete stop.


The reality of the world is people have ridiculously unrealistic expectations when it comes to customer service. Airplanes and restaurants probably have it the worst in those expectations. Now I am all for good service and it makes me happy when I am treated particularly well. But it certainly annoys me when people act extremely indignant about the fact that they aren't getting refills fast enough at Applebee's or some dumb shit like that. There is a kernel of truth in you get what you pay for. If you're going to a greasy spoon or something don't get bent out of shape if they aren't dropping rose petals on the floors that you walk on.

Ultimately I just hate most people because unlike MY AWESOME PERFECT SELF, most people are assholes who don't treat people with a modicum or respect.

The Return of My Obsession with Sports Montages

On Suggestion: The Ultimate Mix Tape

Is it possible? A question put forth by one Extreme Ash (dot blogspot dot com). I think it is. I'm going to try. There are a few possible mixes and obviously its going to be missing some obvious songs. Please speak up if you think I'm a moron. I'll point out that I'm limiting the playlists due to the obvious issue of running them far too long.

Ultimate Road Trip Mix Tape

A road trip mix tape has to have the appropriate mix of fun driving songs and more mellow lower tempo/key songs. The reason for this is because a road trip is long and boring. The initial excitement of a cross country road trip wears off within hours. There will be gaps of silence while everyone admires the flat endless view of Nebraska. You need highs and lows.

1. Bloc Party - Like Eating Glass (Up Tempo and optimistic. A great way to start off.)
2. The Cardigans - My Favourite Game (I Dare you Not to speed during this song.)
3. The Killers - For Reasons Unknown (Bonus points if you are driving to Las Vegas. In fact, if you're going to Vegas just play The Killers entire discography.)
4. MGMT - Future Reflections & Kids
5. The Strokes - Reptilia
6. Coldplay - Talk (This is a good song!)
7. Wax - California (Bonus points if you're driving to California)
8. Stone Temple Pilots - Interstate Love Song (Come on...this was a shoe in.)
9. The Von Bondies - C'mon C'mon (Again, you will speed when this song is on.)
10. The Walkmen - The Rat
11. Tears for Fears - Everybody Wants to Rule the World
12. Weezer - Say It Ain't So (Everyone in the car must sing along to this)
13. The Hold Steady - Stay Positive
14. The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
15. The Foo Fighters - Everlong
16. The White Stripes - Fell in Love with a Girl
17. Weezer - Island in the Sun (Good Driving Song)
18. Jack Penate - Pull My Heart Away
19. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Mary Jane's Last Dance
20. The Who - Baba O'Riley
21. Duran Duran - Ordinary World
22. Death Cab for Cutie - The Sound of Settling
23. The Beastie Boys - No Sleep Til Brooklyn
24. Arcade Fire - No Cars Go
25. Dr. Dre - Still D.R.E.

I forced myself to stop at 25 or this list would go on for a long time.

Ultimate Trying to Get the Chick You Like To Think You're Cool Mix Tape (Low Key Edition)

Coming Soon

The Rumors of My Death Are True

Commercials advertising the "Great Minnesota Get Together" have been going on a lot which reminds me of all the cheese curds and corn on the cob I will NOT be eating. A truly depressing state of affairs.

Of course while I'm out of Los Angeles Comedy Death Ray gets blown up with guest appearances like Louis CK and Zach Galifianakis.

It was pointed out today that I'm a weirdo when it comes to music. I've even written about this previously. Today marks the first time someone has pointed this out as, perhaps, a bit strange. That being the fact that I will sometimes listen to a song, find a small bit of the song that I like, jump it back repeatedly to listen to a small passage in the song, and then probably move on to another song.

In today's instance it would be Third Eye Blind's - How's It Going to Be. The lyric run from 2:30-2:42. You also get awesome youtube comments like SOLIDEAGLE86 saying, "second to bohemian rhapsody, this is the greatest song ever." I'll respectfully disagree. This is obviously the greatest song ever.



But enough about Third Eye Blind. Let's talk Collective Soul. A band I never much cared for but the song 'Run' was a pretty popular song. The reason I remember it though is because of its inclusion in the film Varsity Blues. It plays over the closing credits. I'll go ahead and say that Varsity Blues is awesome and if you disagree you are wrong.



This is not some thinly veiled attempt at irony. I like Varsity Blues.

The Bitch Is Back

The bitch in question would be myself. I'm back in Minnesota for a week. Going to a wedding tomorrow which should be fun. As cliched as it is to complain about places that aren't your home, I'm going to do it anyways. Minnesota is pretty awesome and being in the Twin Cities again is fun.

Los Angeles has a lot of cool stuff to do but there are a few things sticking out as I hit the streets of Minneapolis and St. Paul. First of all, things are a lot more green here. Green trees, green grass (that doesn't need to be watered every day), big clouds, and humid air. I don't like the humidity but whatever. Way more people on bikes around these parts. I guess that isn't such a shock as Los Angeles is quite the driving city. I'd like to point out I'm not some hippy dippy 'WE MUST BIKE TO SAVE MOTHER GAIA' person, but there are a lot of bikes on the road.

Lastly its just more 'CHILL' than Los Angeles. If I have kids, I'm raising them here.

With that said, I'll leave you with this video which is surprisingly well done. It is a recreation of The Soprano's intro except instead of New York/New Jersey you get to see the Twin Cities. I like it.

Not in Shape

I'm not in shape. Nor am I completely out of shape though either. I'm merely "SHAPE." Which is kind of annoying. I mean you get perks for being in super good shape and having a flat stomach and then if you're fat you get to be fat and its like, we get it, you have a huge gut and can eat a lot.

But me? I'm just kind of there floating in the ether. If I were to take off my shirt at the beach I'm not going to turn heads no matter what. It's just like, "That guy looks soft."

In any event I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to the conclusion that life in general is bullshit. Not quite the shocking revelation that you might have expected but what do you want?

I was at a Barnes and Noble the other day and there was this woman. Late 50's or so if I had to wager and she had a stack of 'How To' guides and books about how to fill out a good resume. She had a yellow legal pad and was taking notes or writing down something at the table she was working at. I got sad. This woman is nearing AARP eligibility at this point and she appeared to be trying to grind out a resume so she could be working. Of course I'm imposing all these ideas. Here she is though, in the twilight of her life, and she probably needs to get a job because whatever type of government assistance isn't going to be enough to survive....or maybe she just wants a job to stay busy.

Then I'm riding the bus home and it's late. Nearly one in the morning. Homeless old black guy sleeping on the bus. Which because I watch a lot of movies reminds me of a little exchange from the briliant Coppola film 'The Conversation'.

[about a bum on a park bench]
Ann: Every time I see one of those old guys, I always think the same thing.
Mark: What do you think?
Ann: I always think that he was once somebody's baby boy.

Somehow I doubt this guys family had this in mind for him when he grew up. Who knows why he is homeless. What I started thinking about was the years of oppression that African Americans faced. How the diaspora from the south occurred following the Civil War. How great African American communities sprouted in cities like New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles. Why was he here? Lot's of fun stuff to think about when you're riding the bus in the middle of the night.

Also, go see Inception!!!