Dude-o-Rama

Instead of editing my last post, thought I would mention one last thing. Pineapple Express is going to be fucking hilarious so everyone go and see that.

I do have a sneaking suspicion though that Tropic Thunder will not live up to the hype. And while I'm talking about movies one should see, check out the documentaries Harlan County USA, American Dream (both of those are by Barbara Kopple), Hoop Dreams, The King of Kong, and Control Room.

Books to check out: City of Quartz, King Leopold's Ghost, Generation Kill, I Love You Beth Cooper, and the entire Calvin and Hobbes collection.

Drinks to check out: A Mojito (seriously they are pretty good), gin and tonic, and old fashioned cherry coke at Pizza Luce.

Trail Blazing for the Sake of Authority

I would make the argument that Wikipedia is one of the more important things to emerge in my short time on this earth. Not only can you learn from it, but you can laugh at it and maybe even cry a bit. Sure the entry for some random Star Wars character is more in depth and better researched and cited than my senior thesis but thats besides the point. The base of knowledge contained in wikipedia is mind blowing.

I do throw around the term "mind blowing" a lot and on occasion I over exaggerate, but I think Wikipedia has earned the status of mind blowing. Other things that are on the mind blowing list.

1. The Dark Knight
2. Diet Mountain Dew
3. My Xbox360
4. Corn on the Cob
5. The Author and Researcher Mike Davis
6. Documentary: Hoop Dreams
7. Love
8. Hate
9. John Hardy's Barbecue
10. Lists of things

You get the point. Which brings me to the next point. Is there much better of a scene than the one with John C. Reilly in the movie Magnolia where he is stumbling and embarrassingly trying to ask out the woman played by Melora Walters? Not only is John C. Reilly turning into one of best type of those supporting characters (think William H. Macy - also note that they have a middle initial which makes them cooler in their screen names) who is in everything and plays a great everyman but who also is definitely capable of being the leading actor. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is another great example (both Macy and Hoffman are in this movie too!). Anyways thanks to the power of youtube (Another internet wonder) we have that scene available. Jump to the five minute mark if you want to see the scene I'm talking about. Painfully awkward but too fucking real and way to reminsicent of times in my life for me to laugh about. That said, I love it.

Hip to Be a Square

There was a wedding this weekend and I was in it. To be blunt, it was rad. Dancing was fun as usual because I have no shame. It was fun to dress up too because I own one tie so getting into a tux was practically insanity. One awesome highlight though was this older guy (grandfather of the bride) who looked particularly hip and awesome wearing some Ray-Ban Wayfarers. I now need to get a pair too because damn were they sharp.

On the downside there is a terrible picture of me up on facebook now where I have to be midsneeze and or death rattle.

Finally I will shoot off some final thoughts on this sordid chapter in my life. Get the fuck over yourselves Minneapolis bike community. I know most of you think you're pretty fucking awesome riding a bike and for whatever reason possessing a holier than thou attitude. I should point out that I myself don't own a car...more of a necessity at this point because I'm poor as hell and rely completely on biking and public transit as of now and have also had my fair share of run ins with shitty drivers and the ignorant public. That said, we have to share the road. So get the huge smug stick out of your fucking asses for two seconds before you get self righteous. You know who you are.

The Dark Knight

Did you know that this movie was really good? Yeah I'm getting very nerdy and obsessive about this movie but it warrants the excitement. Ledger is mind blowing as the Joker, Gary Oldman is fucking solid as usual, Bale is good (although is "batman voice" was getting a bit funny near the end), Eckhart was good too, and well....everyone was good.

In other news the headline to a recent Star Tribune article was this:

'Team Diarrhea' helped state crack salmonella case

Pretty Damn funny if you ask me...because poop is funny.

The Guthrie Gives Me Dopeness

So the Minneapolis biking community hates this exhibit. Lots of concerned citizens also hate this exhibit. Protesting of such "corporate art" include spitting on exhibit and swearing at us. Do I care? No. I am simply a wage slave who helped put it together. I also enjoyed the party they threw for the premiere. Free drinks, free food, and free drinks!!

Seriously though, The Guthrie Theater is fucking amazing everytime I go there.

Humor Jokes

What does the world need more of? The Onion...and funny people and laughter.

What does the world need less of? Really stupid shitty people who are not at all funny and think they're smart.

Which one am I? Obviously I'm one of the "funny people."

P.S. The Dark Knight is getting me excited, Blondi Heart of Glass is still a good song, and Space Mutiny is hilarious even without audio.

Internet Part 39982651912

A Simple Request

We need more dogs telling us what is cool and what is not. Case in point:


On the other hand, good lord almighty does the brand "Big Dogs" really suck. I mean you usually see some dad who hasn't gotten anything nice from his kids in years wearing one of these shirts while he takes his 3 kids to the beach and its hot as fuck out and all he wants to do is sit at home in his air conditioned computer room but no, his kids demand that they go to the beach and its 97 degrees out and his wife is out with her girlfriends today.

This shirt takes really shitty to an entirely new level though. I took this image right off of the "Big Dogs" homepage. Let us immediately cut to chase and examine the "humor" found on this shirt. Well you can see this is just a shirt that is showing my favorite characters from South Park and....oh wait, no it appears this is actually "SOUTH BARK!!!" Clever. They fixed Kenny...not killed him. The characters are now replaced with dogs as well. I should also point out that the plot device of Kenny always getting killed in episodes of South Park has long since been discontinued which on one hand makes this shirt even stupider, but on the other points out that I'm the type of person who would point such things out, thus making me open to ridicule as well. Moving on to the grand finale there is the words in the bottom right hand corner that say "THIS IS PARODY." I don't know if this is actually printed on the shirt or merely a warning on the website (as it is not made clear) but what is clear is that by printing this they officially assume the worst in the buyer. Would one actually believe that this is somehow actually officially related to South Park?! Would a buyer think, "Wow I didn't realize that the creators of the show South Park are now making a show called South Bark in which all characters are all facsimiles of the original, except now in dog form?!" My answer is no and I hope that anyone who actually owns this shirt either promptly burns it or kills themselves because the shame of owning this shirt would drive me to suicide.

It should also be noted that if a parent were to wear this into an area where the general public could see it while they accompanied a child, they should have to give the child up to social services.

Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory

I ate a Sonic for the first time. They always broadcast the same Sonic commercials and yet I have never been to one before. I now have. There was a line, which was pretty shitty but I enjoyed my burger. Next time I'm going to get a frozen confection.

ALSO:

The Only Bombs I Drop Are Knowledge Bombs

I hate myself sometimes. I wish I had some sort of personal trainer standing over my shoulder so anytime I was about to eat something really fucking nasty...like Taco Bell or any fucking fast food for that matter, the mega huge personal trainer would be like "If you do that I will punch you in your stomach until you cry." I'd want the type of trainer who was an ex-Navy Seal and could hit me and yet not leave a bruise. I would fear him with all my being. That way I could not be an unhealthy bastard.

Speaking of which, confession time. I promised an EPIC blog post, but I lied. It was going to be about how shitty musicals keep coming out based on subjects that in my opinion should not be musicals...like if the shitty sitcom Friends was made into a musical. But yeah, got too lazy, didn't have the hate in my heart to go on. Sorry.

I'd like to also go on the record and say that flatulence is funny and I am a juvenile bastard when it comes to it. That does not make me lowbrow though.

I Was Almost Murdered

I just read a story in the Star-Tribune that a 20 something guy was stabbed to death right near the University of Minnesota & Augsburg campus last night/early in the morning. I'm currently living right near that area and I walked home drunk...an easy murder target. I'm not rattled or anything, but I do have to say, GO AWAY MURDERERS!!!

I don't want to get stabbed....ever!

Also I have a massively awesome blog post coming up critiquing the fall and decline of the modern musical.

Fear

I lack the courage many times to do the things I should do. I choke up when I should stand up and shout what I think. I'm working on it every day. I want to be better than I am. There is a certain admiration I have for people who are willing to live life a bit more gregariously than myself.

I fear growing a mustache. The stigma is too strong. I am neither a 70s porn star nor am I a officer of the law. Too well groomed and the mustache becomes creepy. Not groomed enough and the untrained hairs give off the signal that simply says "I am a child molester." I don't think it looks good on myself, yet I've never had the balls to actually let it grow for longer than a few days.

I am a man of contempt. Fearless in prose, but quickly succumbing to the fear of societies contempt, wrath, and scorn. The mustached man is the one true hero left in this country of fakers.

Post-Mortem

Let me first start by saying that a woman in the security check in line at LAX was wearing a lanyard that said Spice Girls on it. I was reasonably embarrassed to be in the same line as that woman.

Let me also tell you about this fat fucking woman who made the flight very shitty. First of all she was wearing a blue track suit that was very ill fitting. Meaning she was bulging out of it. Secondly as we were boarding the plane she kept blocking the aisle and in general making boarding take longer. Thirdly she just as we were about to take off decides to go to the bathroom so the pilots over the speakers announce we won't be taking off until all passengers are seated. Fourthly she went to the bathroom something like 6 times in the first hour of the flight. Fifthly her fat ass and hips kept bumping into my aisle seat everytime she walked by, thus I was unable to sleep. Sixthly she once when passing by hit me in the head with her hand.

Also she at baggage claim had a suitcase with leopard print....this woman was tacky as fuck. Oh, and she was wearing a green wrist band. I can only assume it was to wipe away the sweat as she climbed a flight of stairs.

I want to fly first class from now on.

LIVE BLOG YO

I am reporting to you live from LAX international airport. Luckily there happens to be a free wireless hotspot amongst the sea of pay services. First of all I would like to give a huge fuck you to the blond woman who was at the security checkpoint. You were an asshole and annoying an all around cunt to many old people. Although you did smile at me. (SCORE)

Secondly a big fuck you to the fat fucking dude who yelled at some other woman who was in the security checkpoint waiting for her stuff to come through the Xray. I did notice that besides your massive man tits you were wearing sweatpants (lame) and you could not be bothered to nicely ask the woman who by the way couldn't speak a word of english to move so instead you just said "Jesus christ lady get the hell out of the way." You're a fucking fatass dude who I then saw take an elevator as opposed to mounting the one flight of stairs. Good job you.

Thirdly, LAX is such a shitty airport, but at least as of now my flight is still on time (unlike last time I was in LAX) and the carpet doesn't smell like piss. I'm also getting free wireless and there is some sort of cool "Charging station" that I'm typing from right now. If any other mind blowing shit happens, you'll hear about it.

Update 1: 10:38pm Pacific Standard Time - I'm right next to a gate that is servicing some French airliner. I know this because a woman over the loudspeaker was speaking French. Also there is a large amount of good looking well dressed men and women. Not overweight dumpy people who are wearing disneyland shirts and sweatpants.

Update 2 11:03 PST - I swear if I end up having to sit next to this really fat guy who just walked by I will be upset. If this was a cartoon I'm pretty sure he'd have those visible stink lines wafting above his head. Also this stand they have for "Charging" really fucking sucks because the platform you set stuff on is up to about my crotch. I have to either bend over or get on my knees to see the screen (insert sexual joke). Also a huge group of people are running right now to the gate for the flight to France. It reminded me of Home Alone when the family needs to catch the flight. Except way dumber because no one had a Talk Boy with them.

3: 11:10pm PST - Evidently someone is sharing music over iTunes sharing and I have stumbled upon it. User name: Mrs. Mariano.

They have Ace of Base (SCORE!) Boyz II Men (SCORE!!!) Celine Dion (ehhhh) Lots of sermons...I think? Pastor Judah Smith??? They have R. Kelly also, which is funny because he pisses on people.

The Revolution Is Here (Will Not Be Broadcast to Pacific Time Zone)

So, I think I'm going to get the new iPhone. It has fucking GPS in it!!! Now when I'm lost I can tell you exactly where I am lost.

It has also come to my attention that K-Mart is now selling abstinence sweatpants. Just let that sink in. Sorry, I cracked a smile. Well evidently in the place where normal sweatpants would say JUICY (this also confuses me) or PINK (I could make another joke) the K Mart sweatpants say True Love Waits. Besides the fact that if you were a girl.......or guy who wore these you'd probably be immediately ostracized from any sort of social groups cool or otherwise, you would also be admitting that you shop at K-Mart. I mean come on, I shop at Target. Target has some nice stuff actually, but admitting you shop at K-Mart, well jesus that is just bad.

I mean when I think of K-Mart I think of the poorly lit, hilariously dungeon esque, frightening K-Mart on Lake Street. You know the one I'm talking about. The one that was actually built to interrupt a major thoroughfare in Minneapolis and in turn segregating a large portion of the Minneapolis population. I've actually been in that one a few times and its fucking depressing. Where as Wal-Mart always has the dirty feel, where even as they are buffing the floors at 2am as you walk in, you just get that vibe yelling at your brain "THIS PLACE SUCKS" imagine that only x1000. This K-mart is really fucking depressing. The people who shop and work there know it too...I think the entire store is actually lit with 3 lightbulbs that were smuggled out of some 3rd World refugee camp to really sell the whole "this place sucks" mood.

Getting back to the topic though...sweatpants that is. Man if I had a daughter there is no way in fuck I would let her wear sweatpants that said anything along the ass except "Stay the fuck out." Also, according to google I guess the whole "PINK" brand is actually coming from Victoria's Secret. Now I don't mind the random commercial with huge breasts and unatainably attractive women but I do oppose the idea that sweatpants should say PINK along the ass. Why not for example, BROWN? Get it...a poop joke.

FIN

Fuck LA

Just kidding I love this place. Of course when I say I love Los Angeles I mean I love a very small subset of Los Angeles that only a small percentage of very rich assholes live in. The weather is nice and the food is awesome but most of the people are dickheads. Of coures this is delving into highly cliched territory about how the people out here are "fake" and materialistic. The truth is, they are. The other ting thats annoying is the kids I see around here are going to end up going to better schools than I did and become much more rich and succesful.

That noise is the sound of my disgruntled life deflating. On the other hand there is always porn.

Am I A Bad Person?

I like watching movies. The other night I was home alone with nothing to do and actually ended up watching In Her Shoes. I thought it was pretty good actually.

I also kind of want to see You Don't Mess with The Zohan. I think my tastes are slipping or something. On the other hand the previews for The Love Guru have me vomiting bile and feeling as if I should shower every time one of the television ads comes up. The disgusting part is that I once enjoyed Mike Myers humor. Speaking of which the Austin Powers movies have aged terribly. I think the first one can actually stand on its own as a clever spoof with genuine chuckles but the fact that they made 3 is honestly quite mind boggling.

I'm almost about to put Mike Myers up on a level of shittiness that would surpass Eddie Murphy. At least Murphy knows he has no soul and does tons of shitty movies. I honestly think Myers thinks his schtick is still fresh. Wayne's World was funny, talking in a fat Irish/Ogre accent is not. And with the Love Guru we're entering stupid stupid borderline racist levels. Please go away for a while Mike.

Things Worth Note

No one in Los Angeles owns a medium sized dog. If you have a dog its either under 5 pounds and fits in your purse, or its a giant 120 pound dog that would tear your face off if you looked at it wrong. Another thing that I find hilarious is that people have their domestic servants walk the families dogs. Sometimes rich people make me laugh, most of the time they just piss me off.

Other funnies include the fact that everyone in the neighborhood I'm in at least usually has a Prius. They of course offset any sort of supposed good they're doing by owning a really huge extravagant SUV. So you'll see the Land Rover parked next to the prius in front of the 8 million dollar mansion that has a bigger carbon footprint then I'll make in the next 14 years. Other lunacy includes the fact that Santa Monica is now outlawing plastic bags that you would get at a grocery store. FINALLY I HAVE USE FOR MY ORGANIC COTTON CLOTH BAG THAT STATES CLEARLY THAT THIS IS NOT A PLASTIC BAG!!! Score.

One last terrifying thing worth noting. I was watching TV last night and they have several channels with asian programming, I.E. straight from Asia. So I'm watching some awesome Korean drama about a woman who is pregnant and three guys who are looking after her when they actually cut to the "inside of the fetus" and you have a creepy looking CG baby in the womb who also actually TALKS. This was beyond nuts and I wish I could have recorded it or something.

I've been eating fast food out here too, since there are a lot of fast food joints that are completely localized in the greater American West.

In-N-Out - Plenty of hype around this place. I've eaten here before but for the sake of awarding grades I went again. I still think the fries are pretty substandard but the burgers are quite good. Not to mention the fact that buns are lightly toasted makes the entire burger experience rather enjoyable. A-

Carl's Jr - 6 dollar burgers are decent but I wasn't really blown away by any means. Also not digging the fact that they charge 75 cents extra if you use a credit card to buy...could just be that location but its annoying. B

Jack In The Box - Meh C+

Ooops, I graduated

I'm stupid. Why did I decide to graduate? Seriously? I'm stupid. I should have put this off another year or two.

In other news though I've been spending a lot more time on facebook while I sit around not getting a damn job. This is getting embarrassing. The allure of unemployment is getting quite intoxicating.

Billy Zane

Is Billy Zane actually famous? I mean he had arguably the 3rd biggest role in the movie Titanic. In reality he seems like a pretty cool guy. His cameo in Zoolander creates...perhaps a larger elevation of his own worth in my mind than is warranted. I thought he was genuinely funny in Demon Knight as well...so the real question is why isn't the Zane man running wild over Hollywood?




Oh...yeah.