Dinner Theater

I kind of wanted to name this one "Honest to Blog" ironically, but then I assumed that there were thousands of people doing this both ironically and unironically. Quite the predicament but I decided not too.

I've always dreamed of opening my own restaurant. One of the ones I would open would be very manly. Every table and chair would be made of blocks of concrete. That way when it was time to clean up I would just hose down the entire place. I would only serve meat. The plates would be made of cross stitched bacon and I would serve steaks and burgers and it would be awesome. I also had plans to build the bathrooms on an elevated platform above the restaurant dining area so when the patrons were doing their business they could look down on everyone. Not sure how I'd do it yet, but I saw on some tv show how they have this running water style fountain thing for urinals...seems cool.

Moving on, I also want to do some sort of guerilla theater dining experience in which the person eating literally takes on the environment and atmosphere that I am trying to present. This would require large amounts of land, money, and actors. They would choose formats. Say a POW escaping a Vietcong prison camp. They would have to dedicate 10 hours for the complete "dining experience." Live gun shots would be going off while they run through knee deep water. They hide in a cave and are quickly fed a sticky riceball.

Think about it people!!! This is the future of dining.

Shot Down in the Blaze of Glory

First of all, fuck the city buses. Yeah I've declared a holy war on them in the past but its getting annoying. As I slowly depend more on city transit to get me around I have come to realize that the time of arrival they list on their schedules is more of a suggestion.

Ten Minutes late....five minutes early....thats how they roll. Also I typically ride the bus for less than 2 miles yet I have somehow managed to find a fucking freakshow of events in just the last few weeks. Seriously, its actually pretty entertaining. I'm going to cancel cable and just ride the bus.


More pressing matters are at hand though. I just went to a place that serves 'Sweet Potato French Fries' and holy shit....they have changed my life. As a side effect I will probably become morbidly obese. Which begs the question, why is being called "morbidly obese" so damn funny? I mean you get to the point where you're not just obese, but morbidly obese! Thanks to Wikipedia I've also discovered "Fat Fetishism, Stuffing, and Feederism." Thanks wikipedia for ruining my night.

I Declare Holy War on Meet the Spartans

A bit of old news but the movie Meet the Spartans was tops at the box office last week. It beat out Rambo...which I saw. That is another story though. Meet The Spartans is so fucking bad I want to vomit furiously and kill everyone involved in it (except Kevin Sorbo...lets face it Hercules was a badass). The movie is bad on so many levels just by watching a preview I know this. I will not link to a preview either because I would get angry just giving that movie any more publicity.

You know its bad because they are making fun of 300 by referring to a 5 year old movie...and uhh, you know, Meet the...uhh...Spartans HAHAHAHAH. WHAT? Also those fuckers who wrote Date Movie and Really Bad Stupid Shit make lots of money off of this. It makes me ill. Good day sir!!!!

Nude Models On Strike!!!

In Italy, Nude Models who pose for art students are on strike for better wages. Like I've always said, the barometer for society has always been the nude model. When the world is not doing good, nude models will be the first to let you know.

I guess this is going to end up being me rehashing news I might as well point out CNN has let me know that Ukulele Fever has hit the UK!!! WOW!!!......or not. Yeah this post sucks.

To close, don't you hate the overeager person who is in college classrooms across America? You know the type...a bit older, a bit wiser, a bit more annoying. The person who has two kids or the person who spent time in the "real world" and now comes back to college. I'm sure its fucking awesome for them, but when you keep raising your hand answering questions and being way to enthusiastic it kills my 'I'm too good to be here and I'm going in debt but I don't care because I'm young and invincible' vibe. Would you please just take a seat and be annoyed that you actually have to show up to class......rather than actually contribute!

Censorship: DON'T TREAD ON ME

I was watching a television show where a womans ass crack was blurred out. Just a tiny bit of plumbers crack that I did not find titillating in the least bit. In that same show a woman had a plunging neck line and some heavy cleavage going on. Not blurred. WHY? Why must we discriminate against the ass cleavage but not the breast cleavage? How far have we come....THIS IS THE YEAR 2008 PEOPLE!!!

Which brings up another point...fat people. I have an unhealthy obsession with watching those shows on TLC about the people who weight 842 pounds and haven't walked in 3 years. They show some nasty stuff on those programs yet the beautiful people of the world are not allowed to flash a bit of ass crack. HOW DARE THEY!!!

Which brings me to my last point of the night. America is evidently in the grips of an obesity crisis. I've talked about this in a previous blog post, but what about the fat people in the news reports? I feel sorry for them. Does the woman about to chomp into that Double Whopper know her face is going to be plastered on the front page of the USA Today? How fucking terrible would you feel if that happened?

You think this man or woman (not sure which...kind of sad really but anyhow!) knew they were getting a picture taken of them for some article about obesity? They come home after a hard day at work grab the paper and "HOLY SHIT." Those are my fucking pants I wore today...and that loose fitting ugly blue shirt was mine too!! I'M A FAT WHALE MONSTER!! Tragic really.

On the plus side (haha get it..plus side...as in they are bigger, like plus size) if I just maintain my weight and everyone else gains...I'll be skinny soon enough!

THE NEW YEAR

Fuck the New Year.

Also go to this site, I just watched all of these. They rock.

http://www.lasagnacat.com/

Stay tuned for more true stories of horror, love lost, love found, and stinky homeless on 'Tales from Metro Transit'

Dear Fedex

Yeah so I've missed a package being delivered to my house the last couple times because I'm sleeping. They come at 11ish am. I sleep in until 2pm now. Fedex should just bust in the door or something. Note that I'm up at 5:05am writing this stupid blog post.

Much like Seinfeld this is a blog about nothing.

Being A Bus Driver Makes You An Asshole

So I'm waiting for the bus and a guy comes up to me asking for change...he needs 30 cents so he can get on the bus. I don't have any money because I'm poor as hell, but I wish him well. So he goes to ask a few other people for 30 cents. The bus arrives and I get on paying my way. I'm the last of 3 people on the bus. I basically had just dropped my money in the slot and the door just closed and the guy comes running up saying "HOLD UP WOAH WOAH." We hadn't even pulled away yet and the bus driver doesn't open the door or stop or anything. He just pulls away as the guy is pleading for the bus driver to stop.

What a fucking asshole. Then as I sit down I hear him audibly say "We're already 4 minutes behind" and then he mumbles something else about him not stopping. First of all, public transit serves the people...hence it being called "Public Transit." It does no good not to pick people up who want to use the bus and who have the money. Secondly, already "being behind" doesn't really mean shit. The bus driver was just being an asshole...and its not like him waiting 10 more seconds would have mattered. The guy trying to get on wasn't chasing the bus down as it pulled away...he basically missed getting on by mere seconds and the bus driver was a dickhead. Lastly, the man trying to catch the bus was an unkempt man and not an attractive stunning woman...so I have a feeling that we would have had different results if we had different people. In conclusion, what a fucking dick.

I Have Looked God In the Face

So much drama on the bus. I was riding the other day and we pick up two rather scraggly looking guys. One guy has his bus ticket and scans it in and sits down. The other doesn't. The bus driver and the other rider are at an impasse. He continues to mumble and shuffle through his pockets looking for his ticket while the bus driver continues to state that "IF you don't pay you don't ride." So the bus is sitting at the stop and not moving while we all wait for this stunning showdown to finish. And we wait....and wait. For about 5 minutes this guy who I would guess is homeless...or just poorly groomed is looking for his bus pass.

An irate rider of the bus sitting in the back decides to break the tension with a well placed "Get the fuck off the bus." He repeats this phrase a few times. Finally the bus driver tells them to get off the bus. The two men don't get off the bus. We sit for another minute. "Get off the fucking bus" can be heard several more times. The two men finally depart but not before one of the scruffy men looks to the back of the bus and says, "Fuck you fag...I will kick your ass."

Another day in the life of Metro Transit. Keep in mind I have ridden the bus maybe 9 or 10 times since June. My riding-to-insane story ratio is pretty high. I am thinking I have to start riding more and just bringing a video camera.

You Don't Have to Pay To Ride The Bus

It is cold out right now. I rode the bus today. This one guy got on the bus though and sat down and just straight up didn't pay. I was impressed. The bus driver asked him if he was planning on paying and he said "yeah." Then he didn't. I guess the bus is free from now on...I'm just not going to pay.

HOLY SHIT

I'm at work right...I just did one post but I had to post this now. I am sitting at the desk where I work and they have a TV hooked up. I promised you all a critical film study on Encino Man but I was really not in the mood to talk about it...much....at all! Then I turn it to TBS and what movie is fucking playing?! ENCINO MAN

SO ANYWAYS I TUNE IN TO SEE MY FAVORITE SCENE. Said Encino Man Brendan Fraser has already slightly assimilated in early 90's southern California Culture. He is currently a drain on Public Education as he is attending school and they are at a museum. As fate would have it they enter an exhibit (perhaps this was a Science Museum) where there are cavemen displays and it points out how they went extinct. Like a Vietnam Veteran scarred from actions and events that would make and do indeed make grown men cry, Mr. Encino Man starts to have flashbacks/memories that are indeed haunting. This small attempt at humanizing our caveman friend are largely forgotten as the movie progresses though. Instead we as an audience are pummeled with hilarious one liners from Paulie Shore aka THE WEASEL.

I really want to thank Hollywood and TBS and everyone else who made this post possible. Perhaps there are more Encino Man musings on the horizon.

Running Zack

Running Zack. This might not mean a lot to most of you, but it means a great deal to me. Running Zack is the name of one of the greatest Saved by the Bell episodes of all time. Zack Morris is good at track, but to be able to compete against their arch rival high school Valley, he must get a good grade on his report. His report is about family history and he finds out he is part Indian. So Zack meets Chief Henry. Fun is had by all....did I mention Chief Henry dies in the episode and Zack is visited by his ghost.

Right, so I just googled Running Zack in the midst of writing this and I've found others have commented on this episode. I guess I'm not as original or clever as I thought.

Anyhow, my favorite part about Saved by the Bell is that despite their hatred for Valley, you basically never saw any sporting events actually occur. There was the odd wrestling match and for some reason wrestling was very popular at this California high school...but otherwise you never actually saw any athletics occur. Tragic. I'd like to point out also that Bayside also has an elevator in the school that is used once...but only as a plot device for people get trapped in it via earthquake. THE MORE YOU KNOW

California Dreamin'

I was in the family sedan with the family on the way home from a Thanksgiving feast and we had it tuned into the Oldies Station. Shitty. What wasn't shitty was the Mama's and The Papa's song "California Dreamin" came on. Great song....it also made me realize that what we need more of are FLUTE SOLO'S. We all have heard guitar solos, drum solos, why not Flute?!

Louis Gossett Jr.

Try story, this guy is still alive and working. Actually according to IMDB he is working rather healthily and I praise him. Hes doing voice work in a lot of things which is cool. The point of this post though isn't to reminise about how great Gossett has been...but rather to expose some of the low points in his career. Ok not even that. This is just to make fun of the Iron Eagle series and the movie Toy Soliders.

Iron Eagle came out in 1986. A weak wannabe Top Gun that didn't have the budget that Top Gun had and basically was not good. It was a laughable 80's film. Here is where things get funny though. Top Gun spawned no sequels...Iron Eagle spawned 3 more movies! By Iron Eagle III we're dealing with prop planes attacking other planes to stop some random drug lord...or something. Its fucking terrible. Louis Gossett Jr. has an Oscar also. Why does this matter? Because its probably one of the few Oscars that the Academy wishes they could take back.

The other movie I want to talk about is Toy Soldiers. Toy Soldiers is a harrowing tale of a prep school for boys being taken over by Colombian terrorists. I just saw this on tv today and the first thing that blew my mind was this movie clearly had some sort of budget. There is a big action set piece at the end and it had multiple blackhawk helicopters and an Apache helo too. The movie turns into a kind of Great Escape adolescent teen film where the kids come up with multiple "Macgyver" like contraptions and traps to outwit the terrorists. This movie even has Sean Astin in it. So where does the LOU man fit in? Well he is the hardass teacher Dean Parker. Instead of summarizing the movie I'm going to ruin it for you. The head terrorist dies when Lou jumps through a window and shoots the terrorist but not before getting shot right in the left lung. The best part about it though is that Gossett just shrugs the gun shot off. He is shot in the left lung and he is able to walk out with just a bandage over his wound. True American Hero Folks.

An Open Letter

Supposed to be doing a paper...so instead I'll blog. I present you an Open Letter to Robin Williams:

Dear Mr. Williams,

Stop being in movies and polluting our lives. The only thing more frightening than your hyper insane rants on late night talk shows that are a cross between a coke induced fervor and the mumblings of that homeless guy who hangs out around campus is that you are way hairier than that homeless guy. You on occasion manage to entertain, but then I realize you did Bicentennial Man and it makes me hate you again. I'll admit, I liked you in The Birdcage. Awakenings was pretty good too. So let me say that this is not an outright hate fest directed at you. I also hear you are a big videogame nerd...which is cool. Oh damnit this is turning into an apologist letter...so to get back to where I was I don't like you being the freaky photo guy. I don't like you being the wacky doctor. I certainly didn't like how the previews for License to Wed looked as they were plastered all over LA when I visited last time. What I'm trying to say is when are we getting the sequel to your movie Toys?

Also time for a brief confession. I while working at Blockbuster often read US Weekly. That magazine was actually pretty awesome in that my favorite part of every new US weekly was obviously the "THEY'RE JUST LIKE US" in which celebrities are photographed 24/7 and at some point during this constant surveillance it turns out they do things just like the common scum like myself who read it. Things like "JENNIFER ANISTON IS JUST LIKE US BECAUSE SHE CLUTCHES A PAPER UNDER HER ARM WHILE OPENING HER CAR DOOR." She is also just like us in that her car costs 92,000 dollars and she lives in a 9 million dollar Malibu mansion half the year! Or maybe its something like "THAT CHICK FROM THE OC DRINKS BIG COFFEES FROM STARBUCKS JUST LIKE US!!!" Its pretty illuminating. As it turns out celebrities aren't robots....well except Howie Mandel...that guy is a robot.

P.S. Dear Landlord,

Turn the heat up or I will die.

Lazy

I'm not really feeling the whole Encino Man vibe at this point. So I'm going to avoid doing it for a few more days. In its place I first give you a link to a Kids In The Hall skit that I am very fond of. If you don't like this one....we cannot be friends: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlJey3mi8BI

I think the most stunning news in the last few weeks though is that the terrible sitcom Cavemen has yet to be canceled. The sitcom based on the Geico commercials...weird right? Well actually I've never watched an episode yet so I may be completely off base. I had made a Cancellation Watch Countdown on my wall and I did not expect this show to make it past 3 episodes yet it is still chugging along valiantly.

I would also like to point out that I basically never go to music concerts. I don't like to shatter the illusion of a perfect studio recording. That said I am waiting for the Beastie Boys to start going on tour again. They've been half assing it way too long. They go do 14 shows in Manhattan and then 5 on the West Coast...but thats it. Boo-urns. Guitar Hero 3 and me playing Sabotage is getting me hyped on the eventual return of the Beastie Boys to play in concert somewhere in the twin cities area.

Lastly, I have a complaint to make. In the theatrical release of Knocked Up at the very beginning there were several jokes involving nudity in movies. One in particular referenced the three breasted alien in Total Recall. The line "DAMNIT COHAGEN GIVE THESE PEOPLE AIR" was stated by Jason Segel who's character is named Jason in that movie. You may know him from such tv series as How I met Your Mother, Undeclared, and or Freaks and Geeks. So he says that line, which really kills me...because I have an unhealthy obsession with Total Recall...and now on the fucking DVD release they CUT THE FUCKING JOKE OUT!!! I'm pretty much outraged at this...how can you cut out THAT JOKE?!?! WHY WHY WHY?!!?! I will personally draft a angry letter and mail it to Judd Apatow.

American Spirit Cigarettes

You know who buys those cigarettes? HIPPIES!!! This is the fair trade coffee of the cigarette world.

Just kidding. I mean if you buy them that is cool, I don't actually hate you. This was just filler since I really didn't feel like writing my dissertation on Encino Man yet. So there we have it.

Teaser: Encino Man

First of all you know this movie is good because of all the clever plays on words they use in this poster. For example, "Chillin new comedy in full Neandervision." What the fuck is Neandervision? Prepare for the review coming soon.

Critical Film Analysis: Cobra

Keeping with the whole Sly Stallone motif, I'm going to review another Stallone classic. This time around the movie is Cobra. So in the movie Stallone plays a hard nosed cop named Marion Cobretti. At this point you know the movie is fucking insane. His name is Cobretti for god sakes. I haven't even told you anything about this movie besides the fact that Stallone is a cop named Marion Cobretti but you should already be forming this hilarious picture in your head. So you have the movie opening with this deranged gunman holding a grocery store hostage. The grocery store is pretty terrible and one thing that stuck out to me is some of the aisles were extremely narrow. This is pretty terrible planning by the grocery store. In any event, bad guy takes many hostage and kills a few people along the way.

ENTER STAGE LEFT: Cobretti who happens to drive a 1950 Mercury. He drives this and you know its awesome because his license plate is "AWSOM50." Either way there is no time to negotiate, he simply goes in and insults the hostage taker by saying, "You're a lousy shot (Gulps beer) I don't like lousy shots." After killing the guy he goes home to his beautiful beach side apartment where he promptly eats day old pizza. Exciting right? Well it gets more exciting as it turns out that recent hostage taking and a whole host of murders is related to a weird gang who plans on killing everyone as part of a new world order. At this point Bridget Nielsen (you may remember her from such hits as Rocky IV or Flavor of Love) enters the movie. She is a model or something, the cult tries to kill her but she escapes. To truncate this a bit Cobretti is now protecting her and the cops decide the best thing to do is hide out in some crappy town. Well this bizarre gang who has a thing for axes decides to go into this town and basically go ape shit. This leads to about 20 minutes of insane action which climaxes in a hand to hand dual between the gang leader and stallone. It ultimately ends when Cobretti impales the guy and he is then incinerated...yes he is lit on fire. They are fighting in some steel mill...makes perfect sense right?

I think the important thing to remember is that Stallone turned down Beverly Hills Cop to be in this piece of shit. Good thinking right? Although I cannot honestly picture Stallone in Beverly Hills Cop. In conclusion, Stallone is the best actor ever. Remember this when you watch Over the top.

Alert: Be on the lookout for my next review. Encino Man starring THE WEASEL

Critical Film Analysis: Rocky V

Rocky V is one of those films that most people have actually watched, but few will actually acknowledge that they did. I should first state that I love the Rocky series to death including the recently released movie Rocky Balboa, but it is pretty much universally accepted that Rocky V is not only terrible, but should not even be acknowledged. Even cable television has recognized this fact. You'll get a Rocky marathon on TBS or Spike but they won't show the fifth entry.

The movie opens with the titular character Rocky returning from Russia after defeating Ivan Drago, destorying communism, and getting punched so hard his face should have collapsed. So Rocky returns home and bizarro Don King attempts to get him to fight a new challenger but Adrian protests. Does this sound familiar? Adrian has been standing in Rocky's way to fight for the better part of two decades. All is well and good until there is a revelation. Paulie (Adrian's drunk ass brother) has somehow signed power of attorney to the accountant who was flipping real estate and blown all of Rocky's money. This is where the film gets really bad but I should comment on a few things. First of all, I don't buy that Paulie could
somehow sign over power of attorney. The more puzzling thing is that Rocky is somehow forced to move back to the same neighborhood that he started in. Rocky just defeated communism. Shouldn't the president help him out? Or maybe the millions of professional contacts he has? Move in to Apollo's old house...he sure isn't using it. Just endorse some crappy products ala Rocky II. HE KNOWS HOW TO READ NOW!! Blah.

This sets the stage for an upcoming boxer who Rocky takes under his wing. Rockys son gets bitter that he is not being shown as much attention so in response he starts hanging out with the "bad crowd." And by bad crowd I mean he starts wearing this absurdly large earring and smokes a cigarette!! I'm actually getting angry as I write this so I'm going to quickly summarize what happens next. Tommy "the machine" Gunn is who he was mentoring. He gets pissed and leaves...then comes back to challenge Rocky to a street fight. They fight in the street, its really stupid and Rocky remains poor. WHAT THE HELL. Terrible movie. TERRIBLE MOVIE. Its probably one of my least favorite movies of all time.