Am I sick or what?

So today I'm walking down the street towards class. Of course its the classic man vs. machine. I walk when the sign clearly says "WALK." Of coures a car decides to start to turn and has to stop mid intersection. At that point I was kind of wishing the car would hit me enough where I flew up on the hood and fell to the ground. My line of thinking was that I would just flop to the ground and not move. Hopefully said motorist would pull over and come up to me. At that point I would jump up and do one of two things.

1) Motorist is female (hopefully younger and was on cell phone): I would jump up right when she got near and fly off the handle. I would swear and swear and swear and swear and tell her she is dumb etc. I would grab her cell phone and throw it down on the ground and make her cry.

2) Motorist is male: I would get up and quickly and swiftly hit them in the groin and then swear at them something to the effect of "Don't Funk with me" and then walk off.

Of course there would be option 3 where in fact I actually die....or its just an old person who shouldn't be driving anyways. Luckily, or maybe unluckily the car stopped and that was all. My fantasies of exploding and causing a scene were denied.

Honk if you demand Satisfaction

So I'm hung over. I'm at work. Hmmmm, Pita Pit is only a block away and sounds good. My manager gives me money to get her something too.

*Enters Store*

Hi, yep I'd like a philly steak and cheese....Oh so you're out of steak? Okay I'll get a chicken ceasar....out of bacon too. Ummm yeah I guess bacon bits will act as a worthy substitution for real bacon. Yeah, could I get extra cheese on that first....so its 75 cents extra for more cheese.

At this point I'm thinking what the hell?! For one, how does a food establishment of any type just run out of food. Thats like going to a McDonalds and they say "Yeah we're out of nuggets." Then this guy has the balls to want to charge me extra for a handful of cheese when they don't even have what I want? Service industry be damned.

Staying In Shape Sucks

Worth Noting: I'm not in shape yet am trying to be.
Also Worth Noting: Getting motivated to get in shape sucks.
Definitley Worth Noting: Beer is filled with lots of calories.
Truth Defined: Chipotle fucking rocks.

Slamball

The rumors were swirling...could it really be happening?! The local athletic club after going through renovations has added a lot. I guess they have new tennis courts...but something more stunning is the inclusion of a SLAMBALL COURT. Yes, the same SLAMBALL that swept the nation and promtly went back to the land of obscurity is now in the local athletic club albeit a few years late. This is good news. SLAMBALL was the future of basketball, and I intend to try it.

Store of Books

Me: Do You have this book? (says title)

Store Clerk: Hmm, let me check. It should be on this table over here.
----- It isn't

Store Clerk: Thats weird, we had a lot of copies earlier this week.

Me: Thats fine.

That was the highlight of my day.

Evidently Obesity is Bad

So America is fat. I think everyone here in this country understands that we like to be fat and its pretty fun overall. The truth is I'm more worried about all these stories about how fat we are. For example, I'm over at the the BBC news site and they have an article on obese americans. The article includes what is to be presumed a fat american guy.



Note the flannel, the badass jeans, the cool glasses, and the awesome beard which is Macho Man Randy Savage esque. I wonder, do they get the permission from these heavyweights? How would you feel if they asked you to be a "model" for the morbidly obese?! In other words, keep on trucking America...cause big is beautiful.

Horse Diapers

Court rules diapers for horses amount to cruelty

Reuters News Service

VALLETTA - Regulations to control horse dung in the streets by forcing horse owners to tie bags under horses constituted cruelty to the animals, a Maltese court has ruled.
Malta has my full support on this issue.

Go Malta!

Panda-monium

Or so the BBC claims...Washington National Zoo has a new panda cub...thus panda-monium ensues. So that definitley sucked. This post is pointless. I can't think of anything clever this late. So what you get instead is a rant of epic proportions.

We know the enemy...the mustache. On a woman it is wrong. On a man, usually its just creepy. So there are a few types of people who can pull it off. They are Stalin and Hitler....I think we see where this is going. Only super cool dictators or 70's porn icons can pull off a mustache. Well of course cops are still required to sport one but I think its time we retire the mustache and bring back the big gun...that being horribly large sideburns. Sure we see it on the occasional art major, but I want them to be standard issue.

Cell phone Creators are Clearly Jerks

Getting back to the whole cell phones ringing tangent, I started to think about who designs these. For one, why is there a "Turning off Phone" song that has to play when you shut it off. I shut my phone off so there is no noise, not so I can be harmonized. Two, why when you try to turn the volume on the phone down it beeps so damn loud. Those two reasons alone give me reason to believe phone manufacturers are assholes.

Post Halloween Syndrome

1) It is clear that anyone who wears just a "cat ears" or "Devil Horns" head thing and nothing else is lazy and undeserving of participating in Halloween fun.

2) If you are wearing cat ears and it is late November, you should be shot.

That is all.

Two Posts

So I'm doing two posts back to back as opposed to just making one larger one. The rant for tonight is most definitley cell phones. I have one, you have one, we all have them. We all have a button that turns the volume on them down. What the hell is wrong with you people. You have lecture the same time every week yet you always forget to turn the volume off. I can stand the buzzing coming from your crotchel region, I can't stand the harry potter theme blasting while I'm deep in thought over the crossword puzzle! So go to hell cell phones and go to hell really hot girl who is in one of the lectures who I never have the balls to talk to!

Buyer Beware: Craiglist

So Craiglist doesn't hit the top of myLIST (hohoho) for dating resources, but for some it seems like it appears to be a last ditch effort. Sure I was looking through the Craiglist personals...am I a freak?! All I'm saying is there are a lot more transexuals in the greater metro area than I ever imagined

Christmas is Over

Yeah, so I guess there is a filter that I can turn on so randoms can't post, but I kind of like having a weirdo named Kim offer me UGG boots through the comment system here. It makes me feel totally random and unspecial.

In other news I decide to go home, meet the family, possibly get free food. Well as it turns out going home was not the smartest idea. 1) I had to rake leaves for a while 2) It sucks ass getting dog hair on my newly washed clothes....

THE KICKER IS: NO CHRISTMAS FOR ME THIS YEAR

3) Thats right, I don't get presents from my mom. The reason being evidently they want to get back to the real meaning of christmas...that being presents....or so I thought. Turns out they want to sponsor a family so they can have a fun time while I sit home on christmas morning to open up jack shit. Sounds fun...sure I'll get stuff from the rest of my semi-large family but this is seriously F'd up. Its Christmas goddamnit. I'm a greedy american who demands gifts. Rampant consumerism is my name, buying pointless crap is my GAME!

Yeah, Blogs suck

So I'm getting spam comments in the blog now. Blogs officially suck.

Seperate but Equal

What is a guy to do on campus when he has to use the bathroom facilities. Well the big thing would probably be finding a facility to use. I haven't been in every hall on campus but the ones I have been on have been lacking Mens rooms a plenty. Blegen from my understanding has one mens bathroom and about infinity womens. The time has come to unite against women, womyn, and transvestites. I'm going to definitley fantasize about writing a nasty editorial while I'm in class today about the need for more bathrooms.

So about Random Facts

I was going to start his post with a witty anecdotal fact about nothing. I did do that and it was about Bob Dole and giving senate tours to relieve stress when I realized the post sucked. I'm hungry.

Also I bought a powerball ticket so starting later tonight I will be financially set for the rest of my life. So I read that this LOSER at Macalester College says not to buy tickets. He also says "I am not a lottery buyer, and I think you will find most mathematicians are not, Most of the time the odds are against you, so if you play it many, many times, on the whole, you will end up losing." Yeah you idiot, thats why its the lottery....not the "win money all the time contest." I suppose most mathematicians don't like having fun either because the laws of probability are against having fun when you suck. I can't wait until I win so I can go to Macalester and just buy them a new math building and then name it "MATH SUCKS HALL."

One final note, he also says that I'm six times more likely to be elected president. Unlikely since I wasn't born in America. TAKE THAT MATH.

To My Two Readers

First off I knew I'd eventually post. Second, who are these lame ass guys posting comments who are just trying to get me to click the link so they make a few cents. I hate you!! Finally, according to the new Blender mag I was reading on the can, t.a.T.u is back and not lesbian. Its a bit of a shock to me as one of them even has a kid now. I think the new angle should be they are just really drunk russians.

Slam this BS

The fairy tale is over. I'm not going to be nice. I won't smile when you say hi. I won't do that half wave when our eyes meet at a stop sign and we don't know who got there first and who should wave who through. I'm not going to open a door for an elderly person. This world is me first and Scott is busting through. Unless you aren't ugly....then I'm still nice.

Apology to the Waltons

Clearly my damnation of Sam Walton was out of line. I didn't realize the power I wielded until a few days ago when I heard John Walton died in a plane crash. My cursing of Sam clearly was at fault when John died. For that I'm sorry.

In other news, I don't think I've eaten fruit in like 2 weeks. Thats bad.

Target vs. Wal-Mart

So after some thinking and shopping, its clear that Target has much more attractive employees at the check out lanes. I'm willing to wait that extra minute or two to have that two second, "Yes I found everything fine" *pause for akward smile and silence* It really makes my day. Wal-Mart check out folk are usually pretty damn haggard. Also, even though Wal Mart has 4000 check out lanes usually 3 are open. One more thing...wha t the hell is up with self check out lanes. The concept boggles my mind since I'm thinking why the hell should I have to check out my own stuff. Thats what the employees are for. I mean what's next? The customers having to go into the warehouse to grab down random bulks of stuff...oh wait, its called Sam's Club! I say damn you Sam Walton!