Distance Is Relative

I realize I talk a lot about movies and sometimes I wonder if I have dedicated to much of my time and a good chunk of my brain knowing lots about very pointless things. I can tell you stupid amounts of information about the movie Demolition Man but I can't remember anything from my three years of high school spanish classes I took. I can run down various shots, list actors, and wax on philosophically about meaning of some work of pop culture. I must admit though that I am not a huge expert nor a particularly large fan of the huge 'French New Wave' movement of the late 1950's and 60's. I'm too much a fan of poppy no brains entertainment most of the time to give a rats ass about people who are much more attractive than me living supposedly shittier lives, yet getting laid a lot more.

To diverge a lot, today (or yesterday as of a couple hours ago) a funny thing happened. I'm in Familia enjoying the environment. Two young ladies walk in. They are heading towards the jeans. One gets to the pantalones fine. The other a slightly larger lady trips over the slightly raised platform floor and really eats ground hard. I wasn't watching at the time, but I definitely heard it and she smashed on the floor and did not look like she was in the best condition. I wanted to burst out laughing but I managed to hold back laughter. She sauntered off back to her car and never came back in the store while her friend continued to shop. I assume it was from the shame that goes with falling hard in public.

I found myself at the Mall of America as well so briefly I will lament a few things. First off, Lego Land has definitely fallen off. I remember many moons ago Lego Land not only had more stuff and big lego built structures, but I swear to god that Lego Land itself was bigger as far as geographical foot print is concerned. It is true though the Dutch company Lego is not doing as well financially which is too bad.

Secondly, Chipotle has opened in the mall. Awesome!

Thirdly, the fact that the amusement park is no longer called Camp Snoopy is lame. Really lame. I like Snoopy and Charlie Brown more than Sponge Bob and whatever all the other characters are splattered across the place are called. Charles Schulz was the man behind these beloved characters and is a Minnesota landmark so its a shame that the estate of Charles and the MOA couldn't come to an agreement.

Lastly, I need a job. I need health insurance. HOOK IT UP.

Dude-o-Rama

Instead of editing my last post, thought I would mention one last thing. Pineapple Express is going to be fucking hilarious so everyone go and see that.

I do have a sneaking suspicion though that Tropic Thunder will not live up to the hype. And while I'm talking about movies one should see, check out the documentaries Harlan County USA, American Dream (both of those are by Barbara Kopple), Hoop Dreams, The King of Kong, and Control Room.

Books to check out: City of Quartz, King Leopold's Ghost, Generation Kill, I Love You Beth Cooper, and the entire Calvin and Hobbes collection.

Drinks to check out: A Mojito (seriously they are pretty good), gin and tonic, and old fashioned cherry coke at Pizza Luce.

Trail Blazing for the Sake of Authority

I would make the argument that Wikipedia is one of the more important things to emerge in my short time on this earth. Not only can you learn from it, but you can laugh at it and maybe even cry a bit. Sure the entry for some random Star Wars character is more in depth and better researched and cited than my senior thesis but thats besides the point. The base of knowledge contained in wikipedia is mind blowing.

I do throw around the term "mind blowing" a lot and on occasion I over exaggerate, but I think Wikipedia has earned the status of mind blowing. Other things that are on the mind blowing list.

1. The Dark Knight
2. Diet Mountain Dew
3. My Xbox360
4. Corn on the Cob
5. The Author and Researcher Mike Davis
6. Documentary: Hoop Dreams
7. Love
8. Hate
9. John Hardy's Barbecue
10. Lists of things

You get the point. Which brings me to the next point. Is there much better of a scene than the one with John C. Reilly in the movie Magnolia where he is stumbling and embarrassingly trying to ask out the woman played by Melora Walters? Not only is John C. Reilly turning into one of best type of those supporting characters (think William H. Macy - also note that they have a middle initial which makes them cooler in their screen names) who is in everything and plays a great everyman but who also is definitely capable of being the leading actor. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is another great example (both Macy and Hoffman are in this movie too!). Anyways thanks to the power of youtube (Another internet wonder) we have that scene available. Jump to the five minute mark if you want to see the scene I'm talking about. Painfully awkward but too fucking real and way to reminsicent of times in my life for me to laugh about. That said, I love it.

Hip to Be a Square

There was a wedding this weekend and I was in it. To be blunt, it was rad. Dancing was fun as usual because I have no shame. It was fun to dress up too because I own one tie so getting into a tux was practically insanity. One awesome highlight though was this older guy (grandfather of the bride) who looked particularly hip and awesome wearing some Ray-Ban Wayfarers. I now need to get a pair too because damn were they sharp.

On the downside there is a terrible picture of me up on facebook now where I have to be midsneeze and or death rattle.

Finally I will shoot off some final thoughts on this sordid chapter in my life. Get the fuck over yourselves Minneapolis bike community. I know most of you think you're pretty fucking awesome riding a bike and for whatever reason possessing a holier than thou attitude. I should point out that I myself don't own a car...more of a necessity at this point because I'm poor as hell and rely completely on biking and public transit as of now and have also had my fair share of run ins with shitty drivers and the ignorant public. That said, we have to share the road. So get the huge smug stick out of your fucking asses for two seconds before you get self righteous. You know who you are.

The Dark Knight

Did you know that this movie was really good? Yeah I'm getting very nerdy and obsessive about this movie but it warrants the excitement. Ledger is mind blowing as the Joker, Gary Oldman is fucking solid as usual, Bale is good (although is "batman voice" was getting a bit funny near the end), Eckhart was good too, and well....everyone was good.

In other news the headline to a recent Star Tribune article was this:

'Team Diarrhea' helped state crack salmonella case

Pretty Damn funny if you ask me...because poop is funny.

The Guthrie Gives Me Dopeness

So the Minneapolis biking community hates this exhibit. Lots of concerned citizens also hate this exhibit. Protesting of such "corporate art" include spitting on exhibit and swearing at us. Do I care? No. I am simply a wage slave who helped put it together. I also enjoyed the party they threw for the premiere. Free drinks, free food, and free drinks!!

Seriously though, The Guthrie Theater is fucking amazing everytime I go there.

Humor Jokes

What does the world need more of? The Onion...and funny people and laughter.

What does the world need less of? Really stupid shitty people who are not at all funny and think they're smart.

Which one am I? Obviously I'm one of the "funny people."

P.S. The Dark Knight is getting me excited, Blondi Heart of Glass is still a good song, and Space Mutiny is hilarious even without audio.

Internet Part 39982651912

A Simple Request

We need more dogs telling us what is cool and what is not. Case in point:


On the other hand, good lord almighty does the brand "Big Dogs" really suck. I mean you usually see some dad who hasn't gotten anything nice from his kids in years wearing one of these shirts while he takes his 3 kids to the beach and its hot as fuck out and all he wants to do is sit at home in his air conditioned computer room but no, his kids demand that they go to the beach and its 97 degrees out and his wife is out with her girlfriends today.

This shirt takes really shitty to an entirely new level though. I took this image right off of the "Big Dogs" homepage. Let us immediately cut to chase and examine the "humor" found on this shirt. Well you can see this is just a shirt that is showing my favorite characters from South Park and....oh wait, no it appears this is actually "SOUTH BARK!!!" Clever. They fixed Kenny...not killed him. The characters are now replaced with dogs as well. I should also point out that the plot device of Kenny always getting killed in episodes of South Park has long since been discontinued which on one hand makes this shirt even stupider, but on the other points out that I'm the type of person who would point such things out, thus making me open to ridicule as well. Moving on to the grand finale there is the words in the bottom right hand corner that say "THIS IS PARODY." I don't know if this is actually printed on the shirt or merely a warning on the website (as it is not made clear) but what is clear is that by printing this they officially assume the worst in the buyer. Would one actually believe that this is somehow actually officially related to South Park?! Would a buyer think, "Wow I didn't realize that the creators of the show South Park are now making a show called South Bark in which all characters are all facsimiles of the original, except now in dog form?!" My answer is no and I hope that anyone who actually owns this shirt either promptly burns it or kills themselves because the shame of owning this shirt would drive me to suicide.

It should also be noted that if a parent were to wear this into an area where the general public could see it while they accompanied a child, they should have to give the child up to social services.

Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory

I ate a Sonic for the first time. They always broadcast the same Sonic commercials and yet I have never been to one before. I now have. There was a line, which was pretty shitty but I enjoyed my burger. Next time I'm going to get a frozen confection.

ALSO:

The Only Bombs I Drop Are Knowledge Bombs

I hate myself sometimes. I wish I had some sort of personal trainer standing over my shoulder so anytime I was about to eat something really fucking nasty...like Taco Bell or any fucking fast food for that matter, the mega huge personal trainer would be like "If you do that I will punch you in your stomach until you cry." I'd want the type of trainer who was an ex-Navy Seal and could hit me and yet not leave a bruise. I would fear him with all my being. That way I could not be an unhealthy bastard.

Speaking of which, confession time. I promised an EPIC blog post, but I lied. It was going to be about how shitty musicals keep coming out based on subjects that in my opinion should not be musicals...like if the shitty sitcom Friends was made into a musical. But yeah, got too lazy, didn't have the hate in my heart to go on. Sorry.

I'd like to also go on the record and say that flatulence is funny and I am a juvenile bastard when it comes to it. That does not make me lowbrow though.

I Was Almost Murdered

I just read a story in the Star-Tribune that a 20 something guy was stabbed to death right near the University of Minnesota & Augsburg campus last night/early in the morning. I'm currently living right near that area and I walked home drunk...an easy murder target. I'm not rattled or anything, but I do have to say, GO AWAY MURDERERS!!!

I don't want to get stabbed....ever!

Also I have a massively awesome blog post coming up critiquing the fall and decline of the modern musical.

Fear

I lack the courage many times to do the things I should do. I choke up when I should stand up and shout what I think. I'm working on it every day. I want to be better than I am. There is a certain admiration I have for people who are willing to live life a bit more gregariously than myself.

I fear growing a mustache. The stigma is too strong. I am neither a 70s porn star nor am I a officer of the law. Too well groomed and the mustache becomes creepy. Not groomed enough and the untrained hairs give off the signal that simply says "I am a child molester." I don't think it looks good on myself, yet I've never had the balls to actually let it grow for longer than a few days.

I am a man of contempt. Fearless in prose, but quickly succumbing to the fear of societies contempt, wrath, and scorn. The mustached man is the one true hero left in this country of fakers.

Post-Mortem

Let me first start by saying that a woman in the security check in line at LAX was wearing a lanyard that said Spice Girls on it. I was reasonably embarrassed to be in the same line as that woman.

Let me also tell you about this fat fucking woman who made the flight very shitty. First of all she was wearing a blue track suit that was very ill fitting. Meaning she was bulging out of it. Secondly as we were boarding the plane she kept blocking the aisle and in general making boarding take longer. Thirdly she just as we were about to take off decides to go to the bathroom so the pilots over the speakers announce we won't be taking off until all passengers are seated. Fourthly she went to the bathroom something like 6 times in the first hour of the flight. Fifthly her fat ass and hips kept bumping into my aisle seat everytime she walked by, thus I was unable to sleep. Sixthly she once when passing by hit me in the head with her hand.

Also she at baggage claim had a suitcase with leopard print....this woman was tacky as fuck. Oh, and she was wearing a green wrist band. I can only assume it was to wipe away the sweat as she climbed a flight of stairs.

I want to fly first class from now on.

LIVE BLOG YO

I am reporting to you live from LAX international airport. Luckily there happens to be a free wireless hotspot amongst the sea of pay services. First of all I would like to give a huge fuck you to the blond woman who was at the security checkpoint. You were an asshole and annoying an all around cunt to many old people. Although you did smile at me. (SCORE)

Secondly a big fuck you to the fat fucking dude who yelled at some other woman who was in the security checkpoint waiting for her stuff to come through the Xray. I did notice that besides your massive man tits you were wearing sweatpants (lame) and you could not be bothered to nicely ask the woman who by the way couldn't speak a word of english to move so instead you just said "Jesus christ lady get the hell out of the way." You're a fucking fatass dude who I then saw take an elevator as opposed to mounting the one flight of stairs. Good job you.

Thirdly, LAX is such a shitty airport, but at least as of now my flight is still on time (unlike last time I was in LAX) and the carpet doesn't smell like piss. I'm also getting free wireless and there is some sort of cool "Charging station" that I'm typing from right now. If any other mind blowing shit happens, you'll hear about it.

Update 1: 10:38pm Pacific Standard Time - I'm right next to a gate that is servicing some French airliner. I know this because a woman over the loudspeaker was speaking French. Also there is a large amount of good looking well dressed men and women. Not overweight dumpy people who are wearing disneyland shirts and sweatpants.

Update 2 11:03 PST - I swear if I end up having to sit next to this really fat guy who just walked by I will be upset. If this was a cartoon I'm pretty sure he'd have those visible stink lines wafting above his head. Also this stand they have for "Charging" really fucking sucks because the platform you set stuff on is up to about my crotch. I have to either bend over or get on my knees to see the screen (insert sexual joke). Also a huge group of people are running right now to the gate for the flight to France. It reminded me of Home Alone when the family needs to catch the flight. Except way dumber because no one had a Talk Boy with them.

3: 11:10pm PST - Evidently someone is sharing music over iTunes sharing and I have stumbled upon it. User name: Mrs. Mariano.

They have Ace of Base (SCORE!) Boyz II Men (SCORE!!!) Celine Dion (ehhhh) Lots of sermons...I think? Pastor Judah Smith??? They have R. Kelly also, which is funny because he pisses on people.

The Revolution Is Here (Will Not Be Broadcast to Pacific Time Zone)

So, I think I'm going to get the new iPhone. It has fucking GPS in it!!! Now when I'm lost I can tell you exactly where I am lost.

It has also come to my attention that K-Mart is now selling abstinence sweatpants. Just let that sink in. Sorry, I cracked a smile. Well evidently in the place where normal sweatpants would say JUICY (this also confuses me) or PINK (I could make another joke) the K Mart sweatpants say True Love Waits. Besides the fact that if you were a girl.......or guy who wore these you'd probably be immediately ostracized from any sort of social groups cool or otherwise, you would also be admitting that you shop at K-Mart. I mean come on, I shop at Target. Target has some nice stuff actually, but admitting you shop at K-Mart, well jesus that is just bad.

I mean when I think of K-Mart I think of the poorly lit, hilariously dungeon esque, frightening K-Mart on Lake Street. You know the one I'm talking about. The one that was actually built to interrupt a major thoroughfare in Minneapolis and in turn segregating a large portion of the Minneapolis population. I've actually been in that one a few times and its fucking depressing. Where as Wal-Mart always has the dirty feel, where even as they are buffing the floors at 2am as you walk in, you just get that vibe yelling at your brain "THIS PLACE SUCKS" imagine that only x1000. This K-mart is really fucking depressing. The people who shop and work there know it too...I think the entire store is actually lit with 3 lightbulbs that were smuggled out of some 3rd World refugee camp to really sell the whole "this place sucks" mood.

Getting back to the topic though...sweatpants that is. Man if I had a daughter there is no way in fuck I would let her wear sweatpants that said anything along the ass except "Stay the fuck out." Also, according to google I guess the whole "PINK" brand is actually coming from Victoria's Secret. Now I don't mind the random commercial with huge breasts and unatainably attractive women but I do oppose the idea that sweatpants should say PINK along the ass. Why not for example, BROWN? Get it...a poop joke.

FIN

Fuck LA

Just kidding I love this place. Of course when I say I love Los Angeles I mean I love a very small subset of Los Angeles that only a small percentage of very rich assholes live in. The weather is nice and the food is awesome but most of the people are dickheads. Of coures this is delving into highly cliched territory about how the people out here are "fake" and materialistic. The truth is, they are. The other ting thats annoying is the kids I see around here are going to end up going to better schools than I did and become much more rich and succesful.

That noise is the sound of my disgruntled life deflating. On the other hand there is always porn.

Am I A Bad Person?

I like watching movies. The other night I was home alone with nothing to do and actually ended up watching In Her Shoes. I thought it was pretty good actually.

I also kind of want to see You Don't Mess with The Zohan. I think my tastes are slipping or something. On the other hand the previews for The Love Guru have me vomiting bile and feeling as if I should shower every time one of the television ads comes up. The disgusting part is that I once enjoyed Mike Myers humor. Speaking of which the Austin Powers movies have aged terribly. I think the first one can actually stand on its own as a clever spoof with genuine chuckles but the fact that they made 3 is honestly quite mind boggling.

I'm almost about to put Mike Myers up on a level of shittiness that would surpass Eddie Murphy. At least Murphy knows he has no soul and does tons of shitty movies. I honestly think Myers thinks his schtick is still fresh. Wayne's World was funny, talking in a fat Irish/Ogre accent is not. And with the Love Guru we're entering stupid stupid borderline racist levels. Please go away for a while Mike.

Things Worth Note

No one in Los Angeles owns a medium sized dog. If you have a dog its either under 5 pounds and fits in your purse, or its a giant 120 pound dog that would tear your face off if you looked at it wrong. Another thing that I find hilarious is that people have their domestic servants walk the families dogs. Sometimes rich people make me laugh, most of the time they just piss me off.

Other funnies include the fact that everyone in the neighborhood I'm in at least usually has a Prius. They of course offset any sort of supposed good they're doing by owning a really huge extravagant SUV. So you'll see the Land Rover parked next to the prius in front of the 8 million dollar mansion that has a bigger carbon footprint then I'll make in the next 14 years. Other lunacy includes the fact that Santa Monica is now outlawing plastic bags that you would get at a grocery store. FINALLY I HAVE USE FOR MY ORGANIC COTTON CLOTH BAG THAT STATES CLEARLY THAT THIS IS NOT A PLASTIC BAG!!! Score.

One last terrifying thing worth noting. I was watching TV last night and they have several channels with asian programming, I.E. straight from Asia. So I'm watching some awesome Korean drama about a woman who is pregnant and three guys who are looking after her when they actually cut to the "inside of the fetus" and you have a creepy looking CG baby in the womb who also actually TALKS. This was beyond nuts and I wish I could have recorded it or something.

I've been eating fast food out here too, since there are a lot of fast food joints that are completely localized in the greater American West.

In-N-Out - Plenty of hype around this place. I've eaten here before but for the sake of awarding grades I went again. I still think the fries are pretty substandard but the burgers are quite good. Not to mention the fact that buns are lightly toasted makes the entire burger experience rather enjoyable. A-

Carl's Jr - 6 dollar burgers are decent but I wasn't really blown away by any means. Also not digging the fact that they charge 75 cents extra if you use a credit card to buy...could just be that location but its annoying. B

Jack In The Box - Meh C+

Ooops, I graduated

I'm stupid. Why did I decide to graduate? Seriously? I'm stupid. I should have put this off another year or two.

In other news though I've been spending a lot more time on facebook while I sit around not getting a damn job. This is getting embarrassing. The allure of unemployment is getting quite intoxicating.

Billy Zane

Is Billy Zane actually famous? I mean he had arguably the 3rd biggest role in the movie Titanic. In reality he seems like a pretty cool guy. His cameo in Zoolander creates...perhaps a larger elevation of his own worth in my mind than is warranted. I thought he was genuinely funny in Demon Knight as well...so the real question is why isn't the Zane man running wild over Hollywood?




Oh...yeah.

Hannah Montana

This post has nothing to do with Hannah Montana...I'm simply hoping that someone finds this site because they were looking for Hannah Montana information and instead find a review of Surviving the Game.

Confession: I'm just not that into music. For one I'm not that picky. I certainly have some level of taste as I will discriminate against certain music but for the most part I will listen to the radio and find that acceptable. Some people vehemently hate the radio these days so for me to just sit there and think "Whatever" as I tune into some shitty top 40's station is pretty incomprehensible for some.

I think I'm just a complete movie snob (See Also: Dick). I usually think my film tastes are better than most peoples and my opinions are more valid. I'm a fucking movie geek actually. You'd think that this geek level would spill over into music but alas, it does not. I don't get it though. I want to be a music snob but personally I'd rather remember some stupid bit of production trivia about the David Fincher film Zodiac than what John Lennon was smoking when he wrote some random song.

Chuck Klosterman Mind Sucked Me

I have never read any books by Chuck Klosterman. I do notice that a ton of people own his book Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto.

First I need to point out that I'm trying to write a book exactly like the one he wrote. Of course he is now rich and famous and I'm not. The point is that he wrote a book about things I was going to write about. I can't devote 4 chapters of my book to Saved By The Bell now because I'd just be labeled a Chuck Klostermann wanna be. I was after doing some research into this "Chuck" fellow he also wrote about porn. I mean if there is one thing that I might be able to claim authority on in this world it might be porn...but no, fucking Kolsterman beats me too it.

Even worse I just found out he was from this area too!! Born in fucking Minnesota. He is totally killing my whole schtick. He also talks about sports as a metaphor for life...jesus christ is this guy me but only older? I'm honestly really upset now.

At least Grand Theft Auto 4 is coming out.

Wild Lose

No time to talk about real pressing matters, the only thing going on right now in my head even a day or two removed is that the Minnesota Wild season is over. You assholes.

Pathetic

The sense of satisfaction that I get when I clean up my inbox, I.E. I clear out the spam, delete messages I have read, and then get my internet "life" in order actually makes me feel like I did something. Then I look at Facebook for a while and check the message boards I frequent.

Pathetic.

Directors Should Never Cast Their Wives

Just a rule of mine that I think serves itself well. Even if she is really an amazing actress and would work great in the role, if I know she is the directors wife or for that matter, directors casts husband, gay lover, whatever...if I know about it I get bugged.

It's even worse when the woman fucking sucks at acting. Kevin Smith has cast his wife in Clerks II playing the love interest of Dante. I would find directing my wife to kiss a friend of mine really weird. He does even better in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back when he casts his wife as one of the sexy seductress women who liberate animals...only problem is stacked against Eliza Dushku, Shannon Elizabeth, and Ali Larter his wife is a fucking dog. Don't get me wrong, she is a beautiful lady but don't put her next to these 3 gals.

Rob Zombie casts his wife a lot too...problem I have with him is that he is obsessed with some sort of bizarro Hill Billy motif. Secondly, his trailer was by far the shittiest fake trailer that came out of Grindhouse. The best is obviously Machette.

Insert R. Kelly Joke

The New Yorker has an article about a guy back in 1999 who was stuck in an elevator for 41 hours. Fun times were had by all. CLICK HERE FOR ARTICLE!


This really begs the question...what would you do stuck in an elevator for 41 hours? Me, probably go insane and have wild mood swings. Everything from manic, to happy, to sobbing uncontrollably.

Here is a time lapse of the poor guy:

I Need To Buy This

Sean Connery has the idea.

Get Up, Stand Up: Stand Up for Your Rights

Yeah so I went to the Minnesota Roller Girls championship game last night at Roy Wilkins. Color me surprised when I ended up liking it and thinking that I will be attending more games next season.

Negative on the fatass who berated me for standing in the wrong place for like 5 seconds. His double chin look of disgust was annoying. Just politely ask me to move not act like I just shit on your mothers grave.

A big negative award of the week also goes to ME for losing my own fucking jacket. Fucking hell I'm still bitter about this.

Overheard on Campus

By overheard I mean this dude is talking on his cellphone loud as hell.

"Hey dude, just calling wondering if you had any special plans for 4/20? Yeah I was wondering if you had any plans....oh yeah totally should get a bag of special stuff. (LATER ON) YEAH I'm totally sucking at life, I am not waking up on time and totally skipping classes a lot blah blah I have to park on campus its totally a bummer. I have to take a shuttle and all the bike people."

First of all, why refer to the stuff you have to get as "special stuff" when you're blabbing about 4/20. We know what you're talking about dude. Secondly, nice Deftones shirt and pants with zippers all over them.

Rock over London, Rock On Chicago, Wheaties Breakfast of Champions

Loud Mouth Ass Update:

He calls his boss and asks for time off on the 19th and 20th...but then calls his friend and finds out his friend is free this weekend and not the weekend of the 19th and 20th. Response: "DUDE...HARDCORE."


Life rolls on.

I Bet Heroin Isn't THAT Bad

This is always a constant discussion amongst friends. Its kind of a six degrees of separation except you argue about the access to drugs. Sure I know a few people who are a bit more shady then others and typically a drug like marijuana would theoretically a single person/phone call away where as harder drugs may take another call or two. The mystery drug though is always heroin. I don't know anyone who has ever done it, have even heard about someone I know or someones friends friend do it, and for that matter who could get it.

Heroin it would seem is not only hard to get but is somehow elusive. Shunned by high class drug addicts, ravers, and the homeless alike. This is turning into a pseduo-Tarantino esque monologue about drugs though so I'm cutting it off now.

P.S. Just rewatched The Bourne Ultimatum lastnight and I'm pretty sure Matt Damon could kick God's ass at this point.

No Drunks Allowed

First of all, I'm going by advice from Dan and am going to start giving out some pearls of wisdom.

Pearl of Wisdom #1: Make sure to live somewhere shitty, so you can afford to live there.

Pearl of Wisdom #2: Do not search for crack in Google Image Search with Safe Search off...you will not like what you see, EVER.

In other news drunk people are fucking loud as fuck and if I'm not drunk its not nearly as fun.


Finally, I feel like the blogvolution will not be televised...meaning shit, remember when the bridge collapsed? I could have run down to the bridge area and started live blogging and people would be linking to my blog and seeing my really stupid posts in my post history but since I'm doing live stuff I would be hot shit.

So...what I plan on doing is blogging the Republican National Convention and what not. I'm sure I can catch some cop cracking hippy skull or something.

SAVE THE DRAMA FOR YO MOMMA

So I think my landlord just made my bike "disappear." In that they were messing around with a railing that I had my bike locked on to and then when I got home all the bikes that were connect to these rails are now missing. Pretty sweet. Given that I have no car and the bike is essentially my only transportation besides public transit this is extremely annoying.

Bus Drama


Yesterday I was on the bus on my way home and as I got on a young woman in the front of the bus who looked like she was not having a very fun time said something to the effect of, "Can you call an ambulance...I don't feel very good." The bus driver seemed confused but proceeded to call an ambulance. Weird part...she was seemingly talking/listening to someone or thing on her cell phone at the time. The bus driver pointed this out incredulously as he stated, "YOU WANT ME to call an ambulance while you're on your cellphone?!?"

He did anyways so the jokes on him....still it was weird. I wonder if she was dying or something? Life is weird.

Haiku For The Time

This Weather Sucks Ass

Santa Monica Sounds Nice

Who Wants Dippin' Dots

Last Night was Odd

First time ever I went to the bar Ground Zero. It was certainly a new situation as most bars I've been too don't have a show where people can get whipped and or have hot wax dripped on them. To be honest though the bar was pretty decent although the pounding music got a bit old. Either way things could have been worse...my zipper could have been down the whole night.

One thing I never could understand though is the dudes who will start dancing around by themselves and they honestly seem like they're having a lot of fun...either that or they're just way to into it for their own good. I am barely comfortable enough with myself to dance in the first place, but to go solo on the dance floor. There is something admirable about such courage. On the other hand if you suck, you suck so don't do it.

I Can't Stare

I hate staring at people. I try not too but I have a affinity to gaze. People walk by and they have cool shoes or that girl is wearing a weird hat so I start looking at them but if I make the dreaded 'eye contact' all bets are off. I get freaked out because they might think I've been staring at them the entire time when in fact I was just checking out some weird thing I found interesting about them. Its happened before and I feel terrible about it. I want to go up to them and apologize for the stare but I feel bad if I did because then I'd be admitting it in the first place.


The only thing worse than staring is obviously walking around with your fly down. I've managed to do that several times in the last few weeks. God knows how long it was down...how long I let strangers gaze into the darkest regions of my own privacy. Pretty sure last time I rode the bus my fly was down. Even if you were to realize you have an exposed crotch area you are in a predicament. You really can't casually zip up your zipper because its obvious you're fumbling around you crotch. You also don't want to leave it open because it looks stupid and you could be showing off "The Goods." So basically you either ignore it or somehow find a corner to hide in (on the bus) and zip it up all casual like. Or you can walk from the bus to work and then only when you sit down at your job do you realize the zipper has been flapping open for the last 45 minutes.

Lastly, Uptown Theaters midnight movie selection for the next few weeks is fucking pathetic. No one gives a shit about Run Lola Run. That is the movie that everyone uses as an example when they say they watch foreign films. Everyone who takes middle school german gets to watch that movie.

Murderers' Row

Murderers' Row was a nickname given to the 1927 New York Yankees batting lineup. I will not attribute it to the Law & Order lineup of both lawyers and detectives. My favorite lineup is as follows.

Jerry Orbach aka Lennie Briscoe = Babe Ruth
Benjamin Bratt aka Rey Curtis = Earle Combs
Sam Waterson aka Jack McCoy = Lou Gehrig
Angie Harmon aka Abbie Carmichael = Mark Koenig

That is the dream lineup for Law & Order that will never be topped.

More Lazy Blogging

I find this funny because they say boner an excessive amount of times. Its not just "Oops you committed a boner." It's "Boner boner boner."

Captain Planet is Awesome

The episode known as 'Teers in the Hood just opened my eyes to inner city violence and strife. Also I realize how lazy I am by not actually posting stuff just linking to youtube...but who cares. Watch this and laugh.

Belated Valentines

This Week In Life: Review Edition

Time to mix this mother up. Usually I complain about the bus (and jesus christ I could do that some more) but instead I'm going to do a few reviews of things I use in my life and why you should or should not get them yourselves!

First up are those Hefty Stretch Garbage Bags which really fucking rock. Now they can't quite stretch like the commercials show but they can take a lot of garbage. In my opinion the ultimate test is a large pizza box that hasn't been bent at all. Not only do these have sharp corners that would cut up a normal bag, but they are really big so they will stretch the bag out as well. The bags handle these with machismo not seen since Razor Ramon (WWF reference there for those keeping track). Final Grade: A+

Next up is that peanut butter that isn't a heavily processed brand like Jif or anything like that. Its the kind where you have to stir it up because they have that oil that pools at the top. Well as it turns out...this stuff is fucking shit. Normally I'm a snob elitist bastard who likes more expensive premium brands which also usually translates into more "natural." Well in this case I made a grave mistake. Not only do I like the more processed peanut butter, but I find that if I eat the more natural peanut butter I gag and want to kill myself. Final Grade: F

The last thing I'm reviewing today will be the Axe Body wash snake peel shower scrub. This allegedly has Desert Minerals + Cactus Oil. I say allegedly because I don't care if it has a Unicorn's horn ground up into a fine powder and when using the wash tiny nanobots are deployed to microscopically clean my body. I just care if it smells good, it makes me clean, and doesn't give me a rash. The good news is no rash. I found the smell sort of nice, but after finally finishing the bottle that I bought a while ago I have come to the conclusion that this is not the wash for me. Perhaps it is my strong anti-Axe bias but I really fucking hate most of their stuff. Final Grade: C-

Bonus Youtube Video of the Day:

Boyz II Men - Best Band Ever???

To the question posed, I would argue that YES indeed they are the best band ever. Wikipedia informs me that based on sales alone, they are the most successful R&B band of all time.

You also cannot say to my face that in the Boyz II Men song "End of the Road" where the one really deep voiced guy breaks it down saying:

"Girl, I'm here for you, all those times of night when you hurt me and just run out with that other fella, Baby I knew about it, I just didn't care. You just don't understand how much I love you do you? I'm here for you. I"m not out to go out and cheat on your all night. Just like you did baby that's all right, Hey, I love you anyway and I'm still gonna be here for you till my dying day baby. Right now, I'm just in so much pain baby, Cuz you just won't come back to me...WILL you? Just come back to me."

It really doesn't get more awesome than that does it? Honestly I wish I had that voice so I could just be awesome like that. 'MoTown Philly' is the song I want played at my funeral. Thats how fucking awesome they are. COME BACK BOYZ II MEN!!! AMERICA NEEDS YOU!!

Dinner Theater

I kind of wanted to name this one "Honest to Blog" ironically, but then I assumed that there were thousands of people doing this both ironically and unironically. Quite the predicament but I decided not too.

I've always dreamed of opening my own restaurant. One of the ones I would open would be very manly. Every table and chair would be made of blocks of concrete. That way when it was time to clean up I would just hose down the entire place. I would only serve meat. The plates would be made of cross stitched bacon and I would serve steaks and burgers and it would be awesome. I also had plans to build the bathrooms on an elevated platform above the restaurant dining area so when the patrons were doing their business they could look down on everyone. Not sure how I'd do it yet, but I saw on some tv show how they have this running water style fountain thing for urinals...seems cool.

Moving on, I also want to do some sort of guerilla theater dining experience in which the person eating literally takes on the environment and atmosphere that I am trying to present. This would require large amounts of land, money, and actors. They would choose formats. Say a POW escaping a Vietcong prison camp. They would have to dedicate 10 hours for the complete "dining experience." Live gun shots would be going off while they run through knee deep water. They hide in a cave and are quickly fed a sticky riceball.

Think about it people!!! This is the future of dining.

Shot Down in the Blaze of Glory

First of all, fuck the city buses. Yeah I've declared a holy war on them in the past but its getting annoying. As I slowly depend more on city transit to get me around I have come to realize that the time of arrival they list on their schedules is more of a suggestion.

Ten Minutes late....five minutes early....thats how they roll. Also I typically ride the bus for less than 2 miles yet I have somehow managed to find a fucking freakshow of events in just the last few weeks. Seriously, its actually pretty entertaining. I'm going to cancel cable and just ride the bus.


More pressing matters are at hand though. I just went to a place that serves 'Sweet Potato French Fries' and holy shit....they have changed my life. As a side effect I will probably become morbidly obese. Which begs the question, why is being called "morbidly obese" so damn funny? I mean you get to the point where you're not just obese, but morbidly obese! Thanks to Wikipedia I've also discovered "Fat Fetishism, Stuffing, and Feederism." Thanks wikipedia for ruining my night.

I Declare Holy War on Meet the Spartans

A bit of old news but the movie Meet the Spartans was tops at the box office last week. It beat out Rambo...which I saw. That is another story though. Meet The Spartans is so fucking bad I want to vomit furiously and kill everyone involved in it (except Kevin Sorbo...lets face it Hercules was a badass). The movie is bad on so many levels just by watching a preview I know this. I will not link to a preview either because I would get angry just giving that movie any more publicity.

You know its bad because they are making fun of 300 by referring to a 5 year old movie...and uhh, you know, Meet the...uhh...Spartans HAHAHAHAH. WHAT? Also those fuckers who wrote Date Movie and Really Bad Stupid Shit make lots of money off of this. It makes me ill. Good day sir!!!!

Nude Models On Strike!!!

In Italy, Nude Models who pose for art students are on strike for better wages. Like I've always said, the barometer for society has always been the nude model. When the world is not doing good, nude models will be the first to let you know.

I guess this is going to end up being me rehashing news I might as well point out CNN has let me know that Ukulele Fever has hit the UK!!! WOW!!!......or not. Yeah this post sucks.

To close, don't you hate the overeager person who is in college classrooms across America? You know the type...a bit older, a bit wiser, a bit more annoying. The person who has two kids or the person who spent time in the "real world" and now comes back to college. I'm sure its fucking awesome for them, but when you keep raising your hand answering questions and being way to enthusiastic it kills my 'I'm too good to be here and I'm going in debt but I don't care because I'm young and invincible' vibe. Would you please just take a seat and be annoyed that you actually have to show up to class......rather than actually contribute!

Censorship: DON'T TREAD ON ME

I was watching a television show where a womans ass crack was blurred out. Just a tiny bit of plumbers crack that I did not find titillating in the least bit. In that same show a woman had a plunging neck line and some heavy cleavage going on. Not blurred. WHY? Why must we discriminate against the ass cleavage but not the breast cleavage? How far have we come....THIS IS THE YEAR 2008 PEOPLE!!!

Which brings up another point...fat people. I have an unhealthy obsession with watching those shows on TLC about the people who weight 842 pounds and haven't walked in 3 years. They show some nasty stuff on those programs yet the beautiful people of the world are not allowed to flash a bit of ass crack. HOW DARE THEY!!!

Which brings me to my last point of the night. America is evidently in the grips of an obesity crisis. I've talked about this in a previous blog post, but what about the fat people in the news reports? I feel sorry for them. Does the woman about to chomp into that Double Whopper know her face is going to be plastered on the front page of the USA Today? How fucking terrible would you feel if that happened?

You think this man or woman (not sure which...kind of sad really but anyhow!) knew they were getting a picture taken of them for some article about obesity? They come home after a hard day at work grab the paper and "HOLY SHIT." Those are my fucking pants I wore today...and that loose fitting ugly blue shirt was mine too!! I'M A FAT WHALE MONSTER!! Tragic really.

On the plus side (haha get it..plus side...as in they are bigger, like plus size) if I just maintain my weight and everyone else gains...I'll be skinny soon enough!

THE NEW YEAR

Fuck the New Year.

Also go to this site, I just watched all of these. They rock.

http://www.lasagnacat.com/

Stay tuned for more true stories of horror, love lost, love found, and stinky homeless on 'Tales from Metro Transit'

Dear Fedex

Yeah so I've missed a package being delivered to my house the last couple times because I'm sleeping. They come at 11ish am. I sleep in until 2pm now. Fedex should just bust in the door or something. Note that I'm up at 5:05am writing this stupid blog post.

Much like Seinfeld this is a blog about nothing.

Being A Bus Driver Makes You An Asshole

So I'm waiting for the bus and a guy comes up to me asking for change...he needs 30 cents so he can get on the bus. I don't have any money because I'm poor as hell, but I wish him well. So he goes to ask a few other people for 30 cents. The bus arrives and I get on paying my way. I'm the last of 3 people on the bus. I basically had just dropped my money in the slot and the door just closed and the guy comes running up saying "HOLD UP WOAH WOAH." We hadn't even pulled away yet and the bus driver doesn't open the door or stop or anything. He just pulls away as the guy is pleading for the bus driver to stop.

What a fucking asshole. Then as I sit down I hear him audibly say "We're already 4 minutes behind" and then he mumbles something else about him not stopping. First of all, public transit serves the people...hence it being called "Public Transit." It does no good not to pick people up who want to use the bus and who have the money. Secondly, already "being behind" doesn't really mean shit. The bus driver was just being an asshole...and its not like him waiting 10 more seconds would have mattered. The guy trying to get on wasn't chasing the bus down as it pulled away...he basically missed getting on by mere seconds and the bus driver was a dickhead. Lastly, the man trying to catch the bus was an unkempt man and not an attractive stunning woman...so I have a feeling that we would have had different results if we had different people. In conclusion, what a fucking dick.

I Have Looked God In the Face

So much drama on the bus. I was riding the other day and we pick up two rather scraggly looking guys. One guy has his bus ticket and scans it in and sits down. The other doesn't. The bus driver and the other rider are at an impasse. He continues to mumble and shuffle through his pockets looking for his ticket while the bus driver continues to state that "IF you don't pay you don't ride." So the bus is sitting at the stop and not moving while we all wait for this stunning showdown to finish. And we wait....and wait. For about 5 minutes this guy who I would guess is homeless...or just poorly groomed is looking for his bus pass.

An irate rider of the bus sitting in the back decides to break the tension with a well placed "Get the fuck off the bus." He repeats this phrase a few times. Finally the bus driver tells them to get off the bus. The two men don't get off the bus. We sit for another minute. "Get off the fucking bus" can be heard several more times. The two men finally depart but not before one of the scruffy men looks to the back of the bus and says, "Fuck you fag...I will kick your ass."

Another day in the life of Metro Transit. Keep in mind I have ridden the bus maybe 9 or 10 times since June. My riding-to-insane story ratio is pretty high. I am thinking I have to start riding more and just bringing a video camera.

You Don't Have to Pay To Ride The Bus

It is cold out right now. I rode the bus today. This one guy got on the bus though and sat down and just straight up didn't pay. I was impressed. The bus driver asked him if he was planning on paying and he said "yeah." Then he didn't. I guess the bus is free from now on...I'm just not going to pay.

HOLY SHIT

I'm at work right...I just did one post but I had to post this now. I am sitting at the desk where I work and they have a TV hooked up. I promised you all a critical film study on Encino Man but I was really not in the mood to talk about it...much....at all! Then I turn it to TBS and what movie is fucking playing?! ENCINO MAN

SO ANYWAYS I TUNE IN TO SEE MY FAVORITE SCENE. Said Encino Man Brendan Fraser has already slightly assimilated in early 90's southern California Culture. He is currently a drain on Public Education as he is attending school and they are at a museum. As fate would have it they enter an exhibit (perhaps this was a Science Museum) where there are cavemen displays and it points out how they went extinct. Like a Vietnam Veteran scarred from actions and events that would make and do indeed make grown men cry, Mr. Encino Man starts to have flashbacks/memories that are indeed haunting. This small attempt at humanizing our caveman friend are largely forgotten as the movie progresses though. Instead we as an audience are pummeled with hilarious one liners from Paulie Shore aka THE WEASEL.

I really want to thank Hollywood and TBS and everyone else who made this post possible. Perhaps there are more Encino Man musings on the horizon.

Running Zack

Running Zack. This might not mean a lot to most of you, but it means a great deal to me. Running Zack is the name of one of the greatest Saved by the Bell episodes of all time. Zack Morris is good at track, but to be able to compete against their arch rival high school Valley, he must get a good grade on his report. His report is about family history and he finds out he is part Indian. So Zack meets Chief Henry. Fun is had by all....did I mention Chief Henry dies in the episode and Zack is visited by his ghost.

Right, so I just googled Running Zack in the midst of writing this and I've found others have commented on this episode. I guess I'm not as original or clever as I thought.

Anyhow, my favorite part about Saved by the Bell is that despite their hatred for Valley, you basically never saw any sporting events actually occur. There was the odd wrestling match and for some reason wrestling was very popular at this California high school...but otherwise you never actually saw any athletics occur. Tragic. I'd like to point out also that Bayside also has an elevator in the school that is used once...but only as a plot device for people get trapped in it via earthquake. THE MORE YOU KNOW

California Dreamin'

I was in the family sedan with the family on the way home from a Thanksgiving feast and we had it tuned into the Oldies Station. Shitty. What wasn't shitty was the Mama's and The Papa's song "California Dreamin" came on. Great song....it also made me realize that what we need more of are FLUTE SOLO'S. We all have heard guitar solos, drum solos, why not Flute?!

Louis Gossett Jr.

Try story, this guy is still alive and working. Actually according to IMDB he is working rather healthily and I praise him. Hes doing voice work in a lot of things which is cool. The point of this post though isn't to reminise about how great Gossett has been...but rather to expose some of the low points in his career. Ok not even that. This is just to make fun of the Iron Eagle series and the movie Toy Soliders.

Iron Eagle came out in 1986. A weak wannabe Top Gun that didn't have the budget that Top Gun had and basically was not good. It was a laughable 80's film. Here is where things get funny though. Top Gun spawned no sequels...Iron Eagle spawned 3 more movies! By Iron Eagle III we're dealing with prop planes attacking other planes to stop some random drug lord...or something. Its fucking terrible. Louis Gossett Jr. has an Oscar also. Why does this matter? Because its probably one of the few Oscars that the Academy wishes they could take back.

The other movie I want to talk about is Toy Soldiers. Toy Soldiers is a harrowing tale of a prep school for boys being taken over by Colombian terrorists. I just saw this on tv today and the first thing that blew my mind was this movie clearly had some sort of budget. There is a big action set piece at the end and it had multiple blackhawk helicopters and an Apache helo too. The movie turns into a kind of Great Escape adolescent teen film where the kids come up with multiple "Macgyver" like contraptions and traps to outwit the terrorists. This movie even has Sean Astin in it. So where does the LOU man fit in? Well he is the hardass teacher Dean Parker. Instead of summarizing the movie I'm going to ruin it for you. The head terrorist dies when Lou jumps through a window and shoots the terrorist but not before getting shot right in the left lung. The best part about it though is that Gossett just shrugs the gun shot off. He is shot in the left lung and he is able to walk out with just a bandage over his wound. True American Hero Folks.

An Open Letter

Supposed to be doing a paper...so instead I'll blog. I present you an Open Letter to Robin Williams:

Dear Mr. Williams,

Stop being in movies and polluting our lives. The only thing more frightening than your hyper insane rants on late night talk shows that are a cross between a coke induced fervor and the mumblings of that homeless guy who hangs out around campus is that you are way hairier than that homeless guy. You on occasion manage to entertain, but then I realize you did Bicentennial Man and it makes me hate you again. I'll admit, I liked you in The Birdcage. Awakenings was pretty good too. So let me say that this is not an outright hate fest directed at you. I also hear you are a big videogame nerd...which is cool. Oh damnit this is turning into an apologist letter...so to get back to where I was I don't like you being the freaky photo guy. I don't like you being the wacky doctor. I certainly didn't like how the previews for License to Wed looked as they were plastered all over LA when I visited last time. What I'm trying to say is when are we getting the sequel to your movie Toys?

Also time for a brief confession. I while working at Blockbuster often read US Weekly. That magazine was actually pretty awesome in that my favorite part of every new US weekly was obviously the "THEY'RE JUST LIKE US" in which celebrities are photographed 24/7 and at some point during this constant surveillance it turns out they do things just like the common scum like myself who read it. Things like "JENNIFER ANISTON IS JUST LIKE US BECAUSE SHE CLUTCHES A PAPER UNDER HER ARM WHILE OPENING HER CAR DOOR." She is also just like us in that her car costs 92,000 dollars and she lives in a 9 million dollar Malibu mansion half the year! Or maybe its something like "THAT CHICK FROM THE OC DRINKS BIG COFFEES FROM STARBUCKS JUST LIKE US!!!" Its pretty illuminating. As it turns out celebrities aren't robots....well except Howie Mandel...that guy is a robot.

P.S. Dear Landlord,

Turn the heat up or I will die.

Lazy

I'm not really feeling the whole Encino Man vibe at this point. So I'm going to avoid doing it for a few more days. In its place I first give you a link to a Kids In The Hall skit that I am very fond of. If you don't like this one....we cannot be friends: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlJey3mi8BI

I think the most stunning news in the last few weeks though is that the terrible sitcom Cavemen has yet to be canceled. The sitcom based on the Geico commercials...weird right? Well actually I've never watched an episode yet so I may be completely off base. I had made a Cancellation Watch Countdown on my wall and I did not expect this show to make it past 3 episodes yet it is still chugging along valiantly.

I would also like to point out that I basically never go to music concerts. I don't like to shatter the illusion of a perfect studio recording. That said I am waiting for the Beastie Boys to start going on tour again. They've been half assing it way too long. They go do 14 shows in Manhattan and then 5 on the West Coast...but thats it. Boo-urns. Guitar Hero 3 and me playing Sabotage is getting me hyped on the eventual return of the Beastie Boys to play in concert somewhere in the twin cities area.

Lastly, I have a complaint to make. In the theatrical release of Knocked Up at the very beginning there were several jokes involving nudity in movies. One in particular referenced the three breasted alien in Total Recall. The line "DAMNIT COHAGEN GIVE THESE PEOPLE AIR" was stated by Jason Segel who's character is named Jason in that movie. You may know him from such tv series as How I met Your Mother, Undeclared, and or Freaks and Geeks. So he says that line, which really kills me...because I have an unhealthy obsession with Total Recall...and now on the fucking DVD release they CUT THE FUCKING JOKE OUT!!! I'm pretty much outraged at this...how can you cut out THAT JOKE?!?! WHY WHY WHY?!!?! I will personally draft a angry letter and mail it to Judd Apatow.

American Spirit Cigarettes

You know who buys those cigarettes? HIPPIES!!! This is the fair trade coffee of the cigarette world.

Just kidding. I mean if you buy them that is cool, I don't actually hate you. This was just filler since I really didn't feel like writing my dissertation on Encino Man yet. So there we have it.

Teaser: Encino Man

First of all you know this movie is good because of all the clever plays on words they use in this poster. For example, "Chillin new comedy in full Neandervision." What the fuck is Neandervision? Prepare for the review coming soon.

Critical Film Analysis: Cobra

Keeping with the whole Sly Stallone motif, I'm going to review another Stallone classic. This time around the movie is Cobra. So in the movie Stallone plays a hard nosed cop named Marion Cobretti. At this point you know the movie is fucking insane. His name is Cobretti for god sakes. I haven't even told you anything about this movie besides the fact that Stallone is a cop named Marion Cobretti but you should already be forming this hilarious picture in your head. So you have the movie opening with this deranged gunman holding a grocery store hostage. The grocery store is pretty terrible and one thing that stuck out to me is some of the aisles were extremely narrow. This is pretty terrible planning by the grocery store. In any event, bad guy takes many hostage and kills a few people along the way.

ENTER STAGE LEFT: Cobretti who happens to drive a 1950 Mercury. He drives this and you know its awesome because his license plate is "AWSOM50." Either way there is no time to negotiate, he simply goes in and insults the hostage taker by saying, "You're a lousy shot (Gulps beer) I don't like lousy shots." After killing the guy he goes home to his beautiful beach side apartment where he promptly eats day old pizza. Exciting right? Well it gets more exciting as it turns out that recent hostage taking and a whole host of murders is related to a weird gang who plans on killing everyone as part of a new world order. At this point Bridget Nielsen (you may remember her from such hits as Rocky IV or Flavor of Love) enters the movie. She is a model or something, the cult tries to kill her but she escapes. To truncate this a bit Cobretti is now protecting her and the cops decide the best thing to do is hide out in some crappy town. Well this bizarre gang who has a thing for axes decides to go into this town and basically go ape shit. This leads to about 20 minutes of insane action which climaxes in a hand to hand dual between the gang leader and stallone. It ultimately ends when Cobretti impales the guy and he is then incinerated...yes he is lit on fire. They are fighting in some steel mill...makes perfect sense right?

I think the important thing to remember is that Stallone turned down Beverly Hills Cop to be in this piece of shit. Good thinking right? Although I cannot honestly picture Stallone in Beverly Hills Cop. In conclusion, Stallone is the best actor ever. Remember this when you watch Over the top.

Alert: Be on the lookout for my next review. Encino Man starring THE WEASEL

Critical Film Analysis: Rocky V

Rocky V is one of those films that most people have actually watched, but few will actually acknowledge that they did. I should first state that I love the Rocky series to death including the recently released movie Rocky Balboa, but it is pretty much universally accepted that Rocky V is not only terrible, but should not even be acknowledged. Even cable television has recognized this fact. You'll get a Rocky marathon on TBS or Spike but they won't show the fifth entry.

The movie opens with the titular character Rocky returning from Russia after defeating Ivan Drago, destorying communism, and getting punched so hard his face should have collapsed. So Rocky returns home and bizarro Don King attempts to get him to fight a new challenger but Adrian protests. Does this sound familiar? Adrian has been standing in Rocky's way to fight for the better part of two decades. All is well and good until there is a revelation. Paulie (Adrian's drunk ass brother) has somehow signed power of attorney to the accountant who was flipping real estate and blown all of Rocky's money. This is where the film gets really bad but I should comment on a few things. First of all, I don't buy that Paulie could
somehow sign over power of attorney. The more puzzling thing is that Rocky is somehow forced to move back to the same neighborhood that he started in. Rocky just defeated communism. Shouldn't the president help him out? Or maybe the millions of professional contacts he has? Move in to Apollo's old house...he sure isn't using it. Just endorse some crappy products ala Rocky II. HE KNOWS HOW TO READ NOW!! Blah.

This sets the stage for an upcoming boxer who Rocky takes under his wing. Rockys son gets bitter that he is not being shown as much attention so in response he starts hanging out with the "bad crowd." And by bad crowd I mean he starts wearing this absurdly large earring and smokes a cigarette!! I'm actually getting angry as I write this so I'm going to quickly summarize what happens next. Tommy "the machine" Gunn is who he was mentoring. He gets pissed and leaves...then comes back to challenge Rocky to a street fight. They fight in the street, its really stupid and Rocky remains poor. WHAT THE HELL. Terrible movie. TERRIBLE MOVIE. Its probably one of my least favorite movies of all time.

Oft Neglected

I said I was going to do this blog fulltime and I have failed at my duties. MY B. I'll be doing another installment of Critical Film Analysis later this week. Definitely leading towards Commando but I am also considering all of Stallone's body of work. Throw Mama from the Train could be the winner!

If you want proof Hollywood is by and large completely devoid of any sane people working at the studios...I give you this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Ii1N78Sm0

A trailer for the new movie: Meet the Spartans. Wow, this is fucking terrible. I mean jesus I did not even smirk. Well I did once I started reading the Youtube comments. Always a bastion for intelligent discourse you get people who actually liked this. I weep for the future.

Attention Hollywood

Hollywood, I realize you love sequels. Hell, most of the biggest movies this past summer were sequels. The one thing I want to know is where is my sequel to one of the greatest movies ever?! Of course I'm talking about the incredible character driven comedy with Jon Lovitz. That being, High School High!! It doesn't really get any better than that movie. We have Tia Carrera who I think was legitimately funny and should have been in more movies. Then there is really stupid racial stereotypes. Its a simple request...we need more High School High. Complete the thrillogy.

You'd Think, but You would be Wrong

I'm wondering why its illegal to burn garbage in the city...sure its bad for air quality, health, etc. But I can assure you one thing. It would be a lot cheaper than paying the city to haul it away!!

Also: Duran Duran Top 5 Songs of All Time:


1. Hungry Like the Wolf
2. Ordinary World
3. Rio
4. Is there something I should know?
5. A view to a Kill

Honorable Mention: Electric Barbarella

John Hardy's

John Hardy's is the best place to eat in Rochester, Minnesota. Scratch that, the best place to eat in Southeastern Minnesota. Scratch that, its the best place to eat in the state. Its got the best barbecue in Minnesota. Fuck the haters, this is the best place to eat in the state. Why? Can you get fried okra at Famous Daves??? NO. This is legit southern barbecue...and I'm not talking about Texas BBQ...that sucks. I'm talking vinegar based sauces...none of that sweet crap. Try the ham too. Seriously...try the turkey also. Try the beans.


More food facts:

-Vanilla Soy milk on certain cereals is amazing!
-Biting into an apple you thought was fresh but was really old and soggy is not so amazing!
-Death Proof was better than Planet Terror

Whats The Deal With...

Glenn Beck and Nancy Grace. Please both go die in a fire.

Also have you ever been listening to music and just that perfect song comes up that totally fits the mood of how you're feeling, or what the mood of the day is, or some other external event is playing out and that one perfect song comes up on the radio or your ipod? Well today I was riding my bike over the 10th ave Bridge and I'm gazing out on what was formerly the I35 bridge that collapsed. The beautiful blue sky, slightly overcast and then the next song on my iPod came up....Wesley Willis. MOOD RUINED.

I Live In Hell

It is way too fucking hot in my apartment. So for the blogosphere today, I give you this...the NHL season is close and I'm excited. That is all.

IF I DID IT

The book IF I DID IT is the controversial book by O.J. Simpson where he writes in the perspective of if he actually did commit the crimes he was charged with over a decade ago, this is how it would go down. After the outrage of this entirely hilarious and terrible premise leaked, the book was presumably pulled to never see the light of day. I was able to secure a copy via internets though and I have yet to read it.

Now I hear If I Did It will be coming out anyways. That kind of sucks. I liked being special, having a copy of a book that never was released. In any event, this is really terrible. I feel bad for "The Juice's" children. On the other hand, O.J. is clearly in Michael Jackson level celebrity territory...being that you never know what they'll do next. I'll be reading this before classes start again. Expect a full report.

Things I've Never Understood

A Few Things I've Never Understood:

-Madea's ______ ________. Obviously Tyler Perry is some sort of magician because he manages to keep getting work. Seriously, its terrible. I had the honor of watching many a preview for Madea's Family Reunion while working at Blockbuster. It was not a pleasant time.

-Why The Simpsons stays on the air?! I love this show to death, but please put it down now. Of course this has been said Ad-naseum in the nerd-o-sphere but its true. The fact that many people think Family Guy is better than The Simpsons is enough to make me vomit.

-Dane Cook has clearly outworn his welcome in most peoples minds. What I'm more concerned about is the fact that the last picture I saw of him for promotion of his new movie makes it look like his face has aged 15 years. WHY?

-Zach Braff. Fuck off. I wanted to like you. Scrubs is funny. The other day I'm watching HBO and on comes that movie that isn't Garden State but might as well be. The plot was such, "I am being sad, and this attractive college girl wants to have sex with me. I'm sad. " Then the movie ended with him laying out on a porch while it rains and he does that sad face. Then someone lets him come in the house. FIN. What did I just watch?

-When did Donald Trump become sort of relevant but only as a late night punchline? I actually want more Donald Trump exposure. So he becomes really fucking annoying. I want to hate him a lot more than I do now. So please, NBC bring back Trump in every way you can. Let him guest host The Today Show, SNL, and The Tonight Show.

The Triumphant Return of Ja Rule

This post has nothing to do with Ja Rule, simply that I think I should make sure that everyone remembers him and how awesome he is.


What this post is actually about is Part 2 of the Critical Film Analysis series. This week I'll be critically analyzing the great Jean Claude Van Damme movie Hard Target. I'm not going to bother in describing the plot like I did with Surviving the Game because I'm too lazy to right now. What I will tell you is some of the great portions of the film. For one, you have a intense mullet from Van Damme. I'm pretty sure he could be on the first line of some hockey team with this hair. Secondly, you have Wilford Brimley. Yes, the Quaker Oats guy and the "Diabeetus" guy is in this movie as "Uncle Douvee" a moon shining old bastard who happens to be a marksman with a bow and arrow.

It gets better though. The main bad guy is Lance Henriksen and he has a host of henchman including the mummy from The Mummy and it also has Sven-Ole Thorsen who is basically the journeyman of movie henchman and random badguys. He happened to be in another classic, The Running Man. The action ranges from pretty good to pretty damn insane. Sequences include lots of slow-mo, an SUV exploding from a couple pistol shots, and really stupid slow motion jumps. You may have noticed I mentioned slow motion twice...well there is a lot of it.

My favorite scene though is when after Brimley has been shot...or maybe it was stabbed, and Van Damme is raging, he lets out one of his signature kicks and during this really long kick he has 'flashbacks/visions' of all the transgressions made against him throughout the movie. The bizarre part is there are things that he had no way of seeing that he is evidently 'remembering.' Of course there is the ending which is really funny in a stupid way. I'll let youtube show you what I mean. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVxzDI0w4gE

In the end, this is probably the best movie ever.

Hulk Hogan's Son in Car Crash/The Day Everything Changed

Before I start, I just want to say that I want you all to go about your daily schedules. Go see Superbad, go to the mall, go buy overpriced weird things at the Sharper Image. We must stand strong in these dark days. Like the mythical Phoenix, we as a collective shall also rise from the ashes to start anew.

Oh, yeah and some "Alberto Gonzales" guy resigned or something. Who cares, Nick Hogan could have got hurt.

Walk the Dinosaur or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Walk the Dinosaur

So I'm on my way home from work and the radio is precariously tuned to JackFM. Its a five minute drive, but thank god I got in the car just as a new song was coming on. What song you ask? Why its none other than the smash hit "Walk the Dinosaur" from Was Not Was.

If you're not aware of this hit, then I suggest you google it. I'll post the main hook though.

Open the door
get on the floor
everybody walk the dinosaur.
Open the door
get on the floor
everybody walk the dinosaur.

This song made it to #7 on the US Billboard Charts. Thank you 1980's, the best decade ever.

People I Hate: Volume 1

I fucking hate people who "don't watch TV." And I'm not talking about the Amish, or people who can't afford cable...I'm talking about the people who make that snide remark with the exasperated tone like they don't have the time of day to waste on the "idiot box." FUCK YOU. For one, there is a lot of good things on television...even things that would probably make you're pretentious ass smile. Secondly, get over it...or go join the Amish.

Sean Astin's Finest

This is not going to be a movie review, rather like any good citizen I was on Facebook while at work. I was browsing random college network stats and found out that at Notre Dame, the most popular movie is Rudy. Thats cute...I guess.

At the University of Minnesota our top movie according to Facebook Stats is Wedding Crashers, which is pretty fucking lame for most popular movie. Actually after browsing a lot of random college networks it becomes painfully clear that the college body population loves the shit out of Wedding Crashers, Harry Potter, and Jack Johnson (musician) who I must admit, I've never even heard of. Even Ivy League schools love Jack Johnson and Harry Potter. After going through a lot of random friends facebook schools I finally struck gold. Sarah Lawrence finally bucks the trend of Wedding Crashers/Boondock Saints wankfest. The student body at large has selected Amelie as their top film. I am simultaneously applauding picking a different movie whilst I gag myself on the pretentiousness of the East Coast Bias world. They also list Eternal Sunshine, Donnie Darko, and Pulp Fiction. Thankfully they avoid the Jack Johnson love fest as he is no where to be found in the top 10!!! And in a shocking number 1 spot, they award "WRITING" as their favorite interest.

A quick google search and wikipedia skim lead me to believe Jack Johnson is probably some hippy freak jam band guy, which would explain why MIT does not have him listed either...you know, no hippies or girls for distraction. MIT gets props for having Queen in their top 10 though. Jumping to Brown, they get the distinction of being super huge hippies. Their number 1 interest is Ultimate Frisbee....there is a joke there somewhere.

I want to revisit the New York area just once more. NYU lists Love Actually as their second most popular movie. Now either the film majors out in NYU are in really small numbers, the rest of the NYU student body loves crappy movies, or this is some sick joke. I do like Juilliard's answers though. Top interests are Dancin around, Curling up on the couch with a nice red wine and a good movie, and oddly enough Buffalo Sabres.

What can we draw from all this? I waste a lot of time.

Back and to the Left

I shot JFK and the Governor in one shot. I am better than Oswald.

Chocolate Milk and Its Many Impersonators

So I'd qualify myself by saying I'm partially lactose intolerant, meaning I can have dairy but if I have a bit too much I'll feel like shit. Last year during a boring history lecture I was really craving chocolate milk so I bought two bottles of it at the store in the "skyway" between Blegen and Wiley. Needless to say I powered it down but in about 15 minutes I felt like death. So I pretty much exclusively drink soy chocolate milk now...and its really good.

This brings me to my next point. Some cereals will market themselves as doing two things, being a good start to the morning but also turning your white milk into chocolate milk. The problem I've always had with this is that you get really sugary chocolate milk and the whole charade of it becoming chocolate milk, thus being somehow more desirable always struck me as false. In particular, the whole osmosis of the chocolate 'juices' seems wrong. Its like the cocoa puffs or whatever chocolate cereal is just secreting its chocolate waste for you to drink. NOT COOL.

Also thanks to wikipedia: In music, becoming mainstream with rapper Nelly's song "Country Grammar", the term "Cocoa Puffs" refers to lightly sprinkling Cocaine over Marijuana, which is typically smoked through a pipe. "Cocoa" refers to Cocaine; "Puffs" refers to the act of smoking the mix.

Shine on You Crazy Diamond

First, I must give a shout out to my 3 readers. You know who you are!

I have a lot of time to waste at my night job, which I'm at right now. First and foremost I have to say that I've learned a lot about myself and the world at large. For example, tonight I'm downloading a "game" that came out several years ago. The name of this game is 'JFK RELOADED'. Sounds fun right? The object is to recreate the JFK assassination. I'm downloading it right now and will have a full blown review.

And for those who didn't know, my otherwise uneventful nights are punctuated by the daily paper delivery. Around 4am or so the Star Tribune is delivered to my place of work. What you might not know or expect, is that a cross dressing white male delivers the papers. I'd say he's in his late 40's, overweight, and wears to much blush. He seems to like his blond wig and wears red lipstick. Its a very awkward and forced hello everytime I let him in the building. I had a fit of morbid curiosity wash over me and decided to sift through Craigslist casual encounters trying to find him. While I was greeted with multiple pictures of overweight men wearing nylons and the occasional cock shot, I never saw the paper delivery guy. I guess I'm glad...maybe?

Lastly, the nation has been rocked by a series of tragedies. The latest is obviously the miners trapped in Utah. I was on CNN and saw this:


Granted you're in shock and scared for their lives...but is that the best sign you can muster up? I've seen high school girls make better ones for the hockey team and their lives were not on the line. Also there are multiple miners...so either this person ran out of space or only cared about one person. So they're either stupid or selfish. WAY TO GO UTAH!!

Remembering Heaven's Face

Remembering Heaven's Face: A Story of Rescue in Wartime Vietnam is a harrowing tale of a conscientious objector who volunteered to go to Vietnam. I am not brave or noble, nor am I foolish enough to believe in hero's.

On the other hand, we have people who created this commercial. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yz4u8XXUgxA

Life, she is a cruel mistress.

Critical Film Analysis: Surviving the Game

I'm going to offer a weekly installment from now on, critically analyzing important films from the past century. Today's offering will be that of Surviving the Game starring, and I use the word "starring" in a way that only a man of Ice-T's stature could be capable of being THE star...especially considering other actors involved such as Gary Busey, Rutger Hauer, and Charles S. Dutton aka the token black inspirational guy in Rudy.

I will admit, this is a personal favorite movie of mine and has been for many years. Whenever I'm feeling down and I'm home alone late at night (which is 99 percent of the time) I turn on TNT or TBS and of course they'll be showing Suriviving the Game! The premise of the film is simple. Ice-T plays Jack Mason, a homeless man just trying to survive on the streets of Seattle. His only friends are a dog and another older homeless guy who I speculate is a Navy Veteran based on the battleship hat he wears. Ice-T (From now on I will refer to him as Jack) decides to hop a fence late at night to steal a huge leg/shank/chunk of meat to feed himself and his homeless compadre. Unfortunately they run into a evil police officer/security guard who brutalizes the old man. Well, they fight off the security guard and return to a homeless habitat and the poor people feast!! Oh the next morning the homeless guy is dead, probably from massive internal bleeding...but who cares, he was homeless!

Lets cut to the chase, at one point Jack (okay fuck this, I'm calling him Ice-T) Ice T tries to commit suicide but is saved by Charles S. Dutton. Dutton's character promises him a job and refers him to some other guy played by Hauer. Ice T does some physical tests and is hired as a outdoor survival consultant and they all fly to the pacific northwest. Little does Ice T know that they are all going to hunt HIM!....as we know man is the most dangerous animal of them all! Well I don't want to ruin the rest of the film for the uninitiated but let me say, what occurs from then on is quite gripping. You learn slowly that Ice T is a tortured soul who at one time had a family and a child. You also learn that Gary Busey is a psycho fucker who I doubt was really acting for the most part and was probably being himself. Below I will provide an excerpt of brilliant screen writing:

Taxi Driver: [a taxi had just ran over Mason's dog]
[Taxi driver pointing at blood painted over the front-end of the cab]
Taxi Driver: What about my taxi!
Ice T: Yo', man, fuck yo' taxi!

Truly chilling writing there!! But what artisan of the spoken word could have made such an exchange possible? From brain to paper to the silver screen, the man behind this is none other than Eric Bernt! Writer of such hit films as Romeo Must Die and Virtuosity (Which I really fucking like as well!). This is probably one of the most under appreciated pieces of art from the last century. I feel that there is a certain subtext that I must admit, frightens me to the very core. I'm not sure if you have heard of Robert Hansen before but I have. He was a serial killer. DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID? Wikipedia will tell you!

He began killing prostitutes around 1980; he would pay them for sex and kidnap and rape them once they were in his power. He would then fly them out to his cabin in the Knik River Valley in his private plane, and stalk and kill them with a hunting knife and a .223 caliber Ruger Mini-14 rifle.

So as you can see, truth is stranger than fiction...except for the part where Ice T gains revenge and is not a prostitute but in fact a former landlord. Next week I will be looking at a yet undecided film. Possible candidates include Commando, Over The Top, Cobra, Varsity Blues, but probably Hard Target. For a teaser, Hard Target is a movie that stars Jean Claude Van Damme...who has a big mullet and Wilford Brimley as "UNCLE DOUVEE" a moon shiner who is also a bow and arrow expert. I swear I'm not making any of this up.

Its Getting Hot In Here!

What better way to start posting on my blog than to reference a 5 year old song by America's Sweetheart, Nelly?! Yeah, I couldn't think of a better way either. So, planning a roadtrip to Alaska is a fucking pain in the ass. More updates to follow!

I ate the whole thing

I've been too much of a pussy lately but I'm going to sack up soon enough and buy a Quad Stacker from Burger King as well as a Triple Whopper. I think i can finish them down in about 15 minutes.

Pour One Out

Steve Irwin has left us. Every day after this one will ring more hollow than the last.

Don't Turn Around

Listening to music, and yeah Ace of Base is somehow the best band ever.

Temptation Island

Remember that show? I mean why go to an island to ruin your relationship? This leads me to my next point...television is great. How can you not like My Super Sweet 16? The last episode I saw was particularly inspiring. A girl was hosting here super sweet 16 party and this very rude young man knocked over her caked. It was ruined. Her party was offically FUCKED OVER and she was crying. He ended up getting arrested, or at least thrown in a squad car. Tragic really.

Faith In Humanity Meter: Low----------Medium-----X--High

The List

A "Best or Worst" of list exists to create debate. I think we all know that no one acknowledges any list as being 100% correct since lists are typically created about inherently subjective topics (See: Music or Movies). That being said I present you the list of the Top 5 Movies Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.

1) Street Fighter
2) Bloodsport
3) Sudden Death (Bonus points cause he actually is in goal for a shift)
4) Universal Soldier
5) Timecop (on the list cause to avoid electrocution in one scene, he actually does aerial splits onto a kitchen counter...if that isn't awesome I don't know what is?!)

Evidently Gas Costs Money

Suddendly the nation awakes to see a goddamn gas crisis of sorts. An article today in the Tribune points out that people are suddendly questioning their awesome home buys out in New Richmond when they realize that their commute to Murderapolis is disrupted by the cost of your soul for the trip. I mean get over it people. Just do what I do. Forcibly make all friends pick me up and drive me around!!

Also if you're not a fan of CraigsList...wake up and try it!!

If this doesn't restore your faith in humanity, what will?!


Olde dude seeks NSA encounter with a sexy lady, I have a small penis, beer belly,lots grey hair on my body, also crooked frame,and boring conversationalist...so any gals up for an early morning romp??coffe first ok??, I wont be dissapointed...maybe you could send me a pic???take a chance what the hell...btw I am clean and dd free..expect the same...

Haha at Harvard

So there is that Harvard gal....she's a sophomore, like me, yet she has a book deal. Well as it turns out she is a cheating mother fucker. Kaavya Viswanathan say, "wasn't aware of how much I may have internalized Ms. McCafferty's words."

Hmmm, so she plagarized mad. Publishers, set me up with a book deal and I promise you I'm will deliver the goods.

Haiku For Health

Apartment is hot
My ass is really sweaty
Time for nudity

Needs more Bacon

We need more bacon flavored things. Also, we need that gum from Willy Wonka that tastes like a full meal, minus of course blowing up to be a giant blueberry thing. I could go for some steak gum right now.

What we need is a plan!

So if we can travel in space, why can't we invent alcohol that gets you awesomely drunk but not awesomely hung over.

Also the asshole who came up with daylight savings time to in fact LOSE an hour should die.