Okay so I think there is one or maybe two people who read this blog. This one is for you.
I just moved back to Los Angeles recently and comically I'm taking the bus and walking more than I did in Minnesota despite the fact that this is a 'car' city.
And oh boy do I have a lot of fun bus stories in the few weeks I've been here. To start, in much sadder news I only a week in to living in California had to fly back to Minnesota because a friend of mine from college suddenly passed away. That sucked. But when I came back from that flight the first thing greeting me outside the airpot at the bus depot at LAX was a homeless woman walking towards me, stopping about 10 feet away, pulling her pants down about half way, half squatting, and just pissing right in the open. I laughed at the time but really its fucking deeply depressing. There are approximately 90,000 homeless people in Los Angeles. That's practically the size of the town I grew up in made entirely of homeless people. Also in about a month I've seen three homeless people pissing in public very openly.
Anyways bus stories. Just last night a very drunk gay man and an older woman got in to an argument. He was stumbling around a bit and decided to lay down on one of the bench seats of the bus. He was getting to close to the woman's personal space and she started yelling really loud at him. The great part about this was the bus was only about 1/4th filled but immediately everyone else in the bus shared that knowing glance that only people who ride a lot of public transit understand. It was one part "here we go again" aka some fucked up shit is about to go down and one part "this is kind of funny." I looked at an older latino man and a homeless white dude. These types of things transcend race, religion, and age. We all knew it was funny.
In another situation around rush hour on a packed as fuck Metro 704 bus ride in to Hollywood a woman yelled at another woman that her talking on her phone was too loud and she needs to be quiet. Let me allow you time to guess how that went over.........................GUESS WHAT, NOT WELL. They started yelling at each other for about 20 minutes on a packed bus ride. It wasn't particularly funny, just very annoying.
In another incident I was sitting in front of an older woman who was quiet for about half the bus ride. The other half she just started yelling a lot and coughing directly on my neck. I decided to make an audio recording of this shit. It's about seven minutes but if you don't want to listen to the whole thing just skip to 3:10 to hear the woman's rendition of 'Sweet Dreams' by the Eurythmics. http://dl.dropbox.com/u/15241473/20120306%20223500.m4a
I hope I'm not coming off as taking pleasure in others misfortunes but when you're riding the bus at 12:30am you do have to find humor in this shit or else you'll just cry. Also it's really fucking annoying when a dude comes on the bus with a huge garbage bag filled with plastic bottles and cans and its leaking every where. NO ONE LIKES THAT SHIT.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
The Other Sister
If I told you there was a film that had Tom Skerritt, Diane Keaton, Giovanni Ribisi, and Juliette Lewis together....you'd probably just based on cast have to believe it would be at least of workman like competency, right? What if I told you it was directed by Garry Marshall who is currently churning out holiday related films with ensemble casts that have so much star wattage that they literally molest your eyes?
What if I told you the plot was two mentally challenged people finding love? Wait, what?
First off I went to Youtube and was surprised at the volume of Other Sister clips there are. Secondly, this is not a very good film. It is workman like. It would be easy to ridicule this film and the last thing I want to do is insult people who did their best, but man, this is not a fun movie to watch. You are truly in luck though as I have actually watched the whole damn movie. Why? Because I hate myself.
Garry Marshall also directed Pretty Woman. One thing I never understood about Pretty Woman is why we don't think Richard Gere's character in the film is a piece of shit. I don't want to start an ideological argument about the merits of prostitution but let me put it this way. In a social vacuum I'm fine with prostitution. A person exchange money for sex or even just companionship is fine with me. The problem is we do not live in a social vacuum. The people who find themselves selling their body often do so because of awful extenuating circumstances. The people who surround this environment often are not good people. And the types of people who prey on such people are also bad people. So as a whole I will say that prostitution in general is a negative in society. Why are we okay with Gere paying this woman lots of money just to hang with him then? He knows nothing about her...other than perhaps she cares about her dental hygiene.
He doesn't know enough to make value judgements on her but he is contributing in long and short to ensuring that (let's assume he does not fall in love with her but merely she hangs out with him for the week) she stays on the streets of Los Angeles looking for her next 'john'. The opportunities for violence to befall her are high given her occupation and the area she lives and works in.
One other thing that goes unexplored is what happens to Jason Alexanders character? Why weren't the cops called? He did in fact try to rape Julia Roberts character.
What if I told you the plot was two mentally challenged people finding love? Wait, what?
First off I went to Youtube and was surprised at the volume of Other Sister clips there are. Secondly, this is not a very good film. It is workman like. It would be easy to ridicule this film and the last thing I want to do is insult people who did their best, but man, this is not a fun movie to watch. You are truly in luck though as I have actually watched the whole damn movie. Why? Because I hate myself.
Garry Marshall also directed Pretty Woman. One thing I never understood about Pretty Woman is why we don't think Richard Gere's character in the film is a piece of shit. I don't want to start an ideological argument about the merits of prostitution but let me put it this way. In a social vacuum I'm fine with prostitution. A person exchange money for sex or even just companionship is fine with me. The problem is we do not live in a social vacuum. The people who find themselves selling their body often do so because of awful extenuating circumstances. The people who surround this environment often are not good people. And the types of people who prey on such people are also bad people. So as a whole I will say that prostitution in general is a negative in society. Why are we okay with Gere paying this woman lots of money just to hang with him then? He knows nothing about her...other than perhaps she cares about her dental hygiene.
He doesn't know enough to make value judgements on her but he is contributing in long and short to ensuring that (let's assume he does not fall in love with her but merely she hangs out with him for the week) she stays on the streets of Los Angeles looking for her next 'john'. The opportunities for violence to befall her are high given her occupation and the area she lives and works in.
One other thing that goes unexplored is what happens to Jason Alexanders character? Why weren't the cops called? He did in fact try to rape Julia Roberts character.
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Guide to Opening Boutique Clothing Store (Hip Edition)
First off you need to have a minimalist approach. The less items that appear to be on sale the better. Don't have any traditional clothing racks. My concept. All the clothes are mashed in a dressers spread throughout the store. They'll all be smashed in their and wrinkled to all hell. No fucking price tags on those either. You bring them up to the check out and then you find out the price. It's all part of the shaming you into buying shit when you don't want to because its way too expensive experience.
The floors will be wood. There will be a single really uncomfortable chair at the front of the store and instead of a table you'll have a tree stump. On top of that tree stump will be vintage Playboy issues. The reason for this is that you can appear edgy but also ironic in one simple stroke. You will want to sell shoes there but this is where you have to decide what type of business you're getting in to. You either cater to the sneaker freak type people who will pay 800 dollars for a limited release Nike Dunk, or you go for the less enthusiast, but still cares about their shoes because you have hand crafted leather work boots that that go for 350 but will be worn by a man who has never lifted a hammer and couldn't tell you the difference between an impact drill and a band saw. Be sure to stock plenty of van's slip ons though. Those are good for both sexes.
The dressing room will be a claw foot bathtub and a circular shower curtain. Though the store can hold 18 people comfortably every Wednesday night the store should host a dance party after hours where DJ NBA JAM will spin records until the wee hours where 40 people will uncomfortably sweat and grind one another.
You will have a stuffed deer head mounted on the wall. You will have a big mouth billy bass on the wall. You will also have a picture of a young Pamela Anderson posing. Keep HR Giger off these walls.
And you don't have plastic bags. If you buy merchandise you roll their clothes in bubble wrap and hand it to them.
I do consulting. 400/hr.
The floors will be wood. There will be a single really uncomfortable chair at the front of the store and instead of a table you'll have a tree stump. On top of that tree stump will be vintage Playboy issues. The reason for this is that you can appear edgy but also ironic in one simple stroke. You will want to sell shoes there but this is where you have to decide what type of business you're getting in to. You either cater to the sneaker freak type people who will pay 800 dollars for a limited release Nike Dunk, or you go for the less enthusiast, but still cares about their shoes because you have hand crafted leather work boots that that go for 350 but will be worn by a man who has never lifted a hammer and couldn't tell you the difference between an impact drill and a band saw. Be sure to stock plenty of van's slip ons though. Those are good for both sexes.
The dressing room will be a claw foot bathtub and a circular shower curtain. Though the store can hold 18 people comfortably every Wednesday night the store should host a dance party after hours where DJ NBA JAM will spin records until the wee hours where 40 people will uncomfortably sweat and grind one another.
You will have a stuffed deer head mounted on the wall. You will have a big mouth billy bass on the wall. You will also have a picture of a young Pamela Anderson posing. Keep HR Giger off these walls.
And you don't have plastic bags. If you buy merchandise you roll their clothes in bubble wrap and hand it to them.
I do consulting. 400/hr.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Let Us Not Have Cows
There is a growing trend in the social media world to post a picture of yourself when you were a baby. I don't do that bullshit. Don't get me wrong, it is fascinating to see what someone looked like when they were young, but ultimately unless you get super skinny or super fat you are basically just yourself but smaller. I think its a real cop out really. If I'm trying to stalk you (yes I said stalk) then I want to see YOU.
Let's not kid ourselves. We stalk people technologically now. People put pictures of themselves doing cool stuff on facebook so others can enjoy. But we all do it too so we can say, "Hey, look at me, I'm out doing cool and interesting stuff and you should like me." I mean...no one posts pictures of themselves abusing animals even if they were genuinely interested in abusing animals. The reason is because they want to appear outwardly that their lives are good and they are in control.
The first 50 seconds of the Social Network trailer sum up everything about Facebook.
Getting back to ME, since this is MY blog. I genuinely like seeing what other people are up to in their lives. Seeing where they are, where they're going, what they're up to. So I guess I'm a 21st century stalker. It also creates interesting and weird situations where you feel like you know a person well even if you haven't talked to them in months. It does let you be a good internet detective if you read between the lines of what people say though.
I'm actually thinking about opening my own business. It would be a photography studio that deals exclusively in profile pictures for all varieties of pictures but its all for Facebook and your Twitter pic and what not. The whole point is we go to places and stage social activities. We would do makeup, we would do lighting, we would do very extreme setups but the whole point is that they all appear candid. SO we'd intentionally have a bit too much of a flash, but it would be controlled so you don't over light and then highlight all your blemishes. And we'd make sure you're appearing to be just looking at the camera after someone called your name but in reality its all very controlled so we avoid giving you a double chin and a weird smile. I'm going to be rich.
Getting back to the baby pictures. Its fine if you've just had a baby and want to post baby pictures. I've given up really. I get it. Once you have a kid it takes over your every waking moment. I MUST EARN MONEY TO PROVIDE FOR BABY. MUST FEED BABY. MUST CHANGE BABY. BABY IS HALF ME SO WHEN IT SAYS SOMETHING FUNNY I AM BEING FUNNY. BABY BABY BABY. I get it. So i'm not going to get pissed when you make your profile picture a baby photograph of your own child. But if you make your profile picture a photo of you when you were two in front of your birthday cake I won't stand for it. I WANT THE GRITTY DIRTY TRUTH!!! For real. Now if you don't mind, I need to go make sure I don't have any baby pictures of my own or else I'll be Mr. Hypocrite.
Let's not kid ourselves. We stalk people technologically now. People put pictures of themselves doing cool stuff on facebook so others can enjoy. But we all do it too so we can say, "Hey, look at me, I'm out doing cool and interesting stuff and you should like me." I mean...no one posts pictures of themselves abusing animals even if they were genuinely interested in abusing animals. The reason is because they want to appear outwardly that their lives are good and they are in control.
The first 50 seconds of the Social Network trailer sum up everything about Facebook.
Getting back to ME, since this is MY blog. I genuinely like seeing what other people are up to in their lives. Seeing where they are, where they're going, what they're up to. So I guess I'm a 21st century stalker. It also creates interesting and weird situations where you feel like you know a person well even if you haven't talked to them in months. It does let you be a good internet detective if you read between the lines of what people say though.
I'm actually thinking about opening my own business. It would be a photography studio that deals exclusively in profile pictures for all varieties of pictures but its all for Facebook and your Twitter pic and what not. The whole point is we go to places and stage social activities. We would do makeup, we would do lighting, we would do very extreme setups but the whole point is that they all appear candid. SO we'd intentionally have a bit too much of a flash, but it would be controlled so you don't over light and then highlight all your blemishes. And we'd make sure you're appearing to be just looking at the camera after someone called your name but in reality its all very controlled so we avoid giving you a double chin and a weird smile. I'm going to be rich.
Getting back to the baby pictures. Its fine if you've just had a baby and want to post baby pictures. I've given up really. I get it. Once you have a kid it takes over your every waking moment. I MUST EARN MONEY TO PROVIDE FOR BABY. MUST FEED BABY. MUST CHANGE BABY. BABY IS HALF ME SO WHEN IT SAYS SOMETHING FUNNY I AM BEING FUNNY. BABY BABY BABY. I get it. So i'm not going to get pissed when you make your profile picture a baby photograph of your own child. But if you make your profile picture a photo of you when you were two in front of your birthday cake I won't stand for it. I WANT THE GRITTY DIRTY TRUTH!!! For real. Now if you don't mind, I need to go make sure I don't have any baby pictures of my own or else I'll be Mr. Hypocrite.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
In My Dream I Am Dying
Forecasting 2012's Up And Coming Trends:
Bold Prediction 1: Fred Armisen Will play an instrument in 2012
Bold Prediction 2: Women will be asked to lose even more weight to meet the unattainable standards that society sets. And I will continue to agree with these awful sexist standards.
Trend Watch 1: Dubstep will become over exposed by March.
Trend Watch 2: Chicks shaving their heads
Bold Prediction 3: Coneheads is rebooted as a 3D CGI family comedy.
Bold Prediction 4: I will begin writing a status update with very direct references to pornography consumption but then never post it fearing that the few family members who I have friended on facebook will be reading it.
Trend Watch 3: Ironic beards will die out. Ironic really long fingernails are in.
Trend Watch 4: People will begin adamantly insisting that The Simpsons is back to its early years form.
Bold Prediction 5: The Baha Men will make a return to the top of the charts with 'Who Let the Dogs Out II?' in a clear homage to Guns n' Roses Use Your Illusion II record album.
Trend Watch 5: I will be wearing sweat pants more as I continue to get fatter.
Bold Prediction 6: Shannyn Sossamon will finally marry me.
Bold Prediction 1: Fred Armisen Will play an instrument in 2012
Bold Prediction 2: Women will be asked to lose even more weight to meet the unattainable standards that society sets. And I will continue to agree with these awful sexist standards.
Trend Watch 1: Dubstep will become over exposed by March.
Trend Watch 2: Chicks shaving their heads
Bold Prediction 3: Coneheads is rebooted as a 3D CGI family comedy.
Bold Prediction 4: I will begin writing a status update with very direct references to pornography consumption but then never post it fearing that the few family members who I have friended on facebook will be reading it.
Trend Watch 3: Ironic beards will die out. Ironic really long fingernails are in.
Trend Watch 4: People will begin adamantly insisting that The Simpsons is back to its early years form.
Bold Prediction 5: The Baha Men will make a return to the top of the charts with 'Who Let the Dogs Out II?' in a clear homage to Guns n' Roses Use Your Illusion II record album.
Trend Watch 5: I will be wearing sweat pants more as I continue to get fatter.
Bold Prediction 6: Shannyn Sossamon will finally marry me.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
New Years Eve
Last night I was standing with the love of my life as snow flakes slowly drifted downwards from the sky. The calm that pervaded the city streets as we silently enjoyed those last fleeting moments of 2011. We embraced with a kiss as the clock struck midnight.
That is exactly what has never happened. Something closer would be me standing in First Ave. with a few friends yelling incoherently as the massive quantities of alcohol I ingested are slowing working their magic. My eyes are red and dialating and everyone I look at it starting to look more and more attractive even if they're disgusting piles of garbage. On the plus side it was worth flipping 10 dollars for a coat check.
CUE OBLIGATORY NEW YEARS DAY SONGS:
That is exactly what has never happened. Something closer would be me standing in First Ave. with a few friends yelling incoherently as the massive quantities of alcohol I ingested are slowing working their magic. My eyes are red and dialating and everyone I look at it starting to look more and more attractive even if they're disgusting piles of garbage. On the plus side it was worth flipping 10 dollars for a coat check.
CUE OBLIGATORY NEW YEARS DAY SONGS:
Saturday, December 31, 2011
I Sleep In A Basement
And for some irrational reason I'm deeply concerned about Radon poisoning. The way I combat this is to have a fan on at all times...even though in reality this wouldn't do shit if there was actually a high level of radon seeping in.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
What's that song?
I just heard it again and it was in a car insurance commercial for Farmers Insurance. That song? I had to google the lyrics to figure it out.
It's called 'Another Night' by The Real McCoy. Who you ask? The REAL McCoy...a German House band of course. Is there any type of music that came out of Germany in the early 90's that wasn't house music? I think not. And just like any type of fine German engineering this song will last 1000 years. It has the ability to both be indelibly aged and part of a very specific time frame but also sounding amazingly not so aged. Alright I'm lying. Th
I'd like to think it was a toss up between this song and the Haddaway song 'What is Love' for use in the Roxbury/Dudes dancing in Club sketches. Furthermore I can't help but suspect lots of people have had sex to both of these songs. Which is the true sign of how good a song is.
It's called 'Another Night' by The Real McCoy. Who you ask? The REAL McCoy...a German House band of course. Is there any type of music that came out of Germany in the early 90's that wasn't house music? I think not. And just like any type of fine German engineering this song will last 1000 years. It has the ability to both be indelibly aged and part of a very specific time frame but also sounding amazingly not so aged. Alright I'm lying. Th
I'd like to think it was a toss up between this song and the Haddaway song 'What is Love' for use in the Roxbury/Dudes dancing in Club sketches. Furthermore I can't help but suspect lots of people have had sex to both of these songs. Which is the true sign of how good a song is.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Ugly in New York
First off. There's this:
Great and good. Time for the lightning round.
Kim Jong Il - He died. Given the amount of books I've read about North Korea, the time spent reading/thumbing through think tank speculation papers on the future of Asia, and my interest in that region in general I'd argue I'm probably in the top 10 percent in the United States as far as actually sort of vaguely understanding how North Korea operates and what the future may hold. Yeah I think he was a weird, eccentric, and ultimately awful human being. I also can laugh at all the random (but lets be clear here annoying since there are way too many of them) tumblr/photo sites where Kim Jong Il looks at shit. And god I hope things work out. An immediate collapse of the North Korean government would be awful for a number of reasons but so would some drawn out situation that they are involved in now. The volume of suffering is immense and well pardon me while I not laugh that much at the 48th "Me so ronery" joke. On the other hand its so bizarre that you just can't help but laugh and feel bad all at once.
Kim Kardashian - I don't get it. She did a sex tape. Her dad was friends and somewhat of a legal representative for O.J. Most famously known for reading what at the time sounded like a chilling suicide note. Don't get it twisted. I understand the forces that make her a star. What I don't get is why people think she is amazingly beautiful. Also her sister Khloe looks hideous and in 15 years she'll either be anorexic or gigantic and be fluctuating weight like she's a member of Wilson Philips.
Dubstep - You know its getting big when its in the new GI Joe trailer. Right? GIVE ME THOSE FAT DROPS!
Young Adult - MINNESOTA! Haven't seen it yet. Going tomorrow. Will report.
The Proud Return of Scenes From Films that Make/Have Made at One Point Scott Cry:
First of all this scene isn't even fair. You've got a sad song (with a children chorus which is basically fucking cheating) and you have the fact that this is a true story.
As a stereotypical dude, sports movies are occasionally my weakness. Many verge on the level of bullshit and I don't really get choked up. But you need no context (and this scene is scientifically backed as a scene that will cause people to lose it) for a scene like this. Did I mention it has a kid in it? Not fair. It won't let me embed it but I warn you. Only the coldest human could avoid crying. And you don't need context on this because the movie really isn't that great.
Click if You Dare
Slightly more violent and not for the squeamish but Giovanni Ribisi's death scene in Saving Private Ryan is a real classic punch to the gut.
LATE BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: HERE IS A FUNNY TUMBLR OF KIM JONG IL DROPPING THE BASS.
http://kimjongildroppingthebass.tumblr.com/
Great and good. Time for the lightning round.
Kim Jong Il - He died. Given the amount of books I've read about North Korea, the time spent reading/thumbing through think tank speculation papers on the future of Asia, and my interest in that region in general I'd argue I'm probably in the top 10 percent in the United States as far as actually sort of vaguely understanding how North Korea operates and what the future may hold. Yeah I think he was a weird, eccentric, and ultimately awful human being. I also can laugh at all the random (but lets be clear here annoying since there are way too many of them) tumblr/photo sites where Kim Jong Il looks at shit. And god I hope things work out. An immediate collapse of the North Korean government would be awful for a number of reasons but so would some drawn out situation that they are involved in now. The volume of suffering is immense and well pardon me while I not laugh that much at the 48th "Me so ronery" joke. On the other hand its so bizarre that you just can't help but laugh and feel bad all at once.
Kim Kardashian - I don't get it. She did a sex tape. Her dad was friends and somewhat of a legal representative for O.J. Most famously known for reading what at the time sounded like a chilling suicide note. Don't get it twisted. I understand the forces that make her a star. What I don't get is why people think she is amazingly beautiful. Also her sister Khloe looks hideous and in 15 years she'll either be anorexic or gigantic and be fluctuating weight like she's a member of Wilson Philips.
Dubstep - You know its getting big when its in the new GI Joe trailer. Right? GIVE ME THOSE FAT DROPS!
Young Adult - MINNESOTA! Haven't seen it yet. Going tomorrow. Will report.
The Proud Return of Scenes From Films that Make/Have Made at One Point Scott Cry:
First of all this scene isn't even fair. You've got a sad song (with a children chorus which is basically fucking cheating) and you have the fact that this is a true story.
As a stereotypical dude, sports movies are occasionally my weakness. Many verge on the level of bullshit and I don't really get choked up. But you need no context (and this scene is scientifically backed as a scene that will cause people to lose it) for a scene like this. Did I mention it has a kid in it? Not fair. It won't let me embed it but I warn you. Only the coldest human could avoid crying. And you don't need context on this because the movie really isn't that great.
Click if You Dare
Slightly more violent and not for the squeamish but Giovanni Ribisi's death scene in Saving Private Ryan is a real classic punch to the gut.
LATE BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: HERE IS A FUNNY TUMBLR OF KIM JONG IL DROPPING THE BASS.
http://kimjongildroppingthebass.tumblr.com/
Thursday, December 15, 2011
MUSIC
There is NO DOUBT that 'Don't Speak' is a good song. See what I did there?
Maybe I told this story before. Maybe I didn't. The first CD's I ever bought were from Columbia House/Columbia House Record Club. For those who don't remember this, it was a mail order program that was often found in magazines that would offer you something like 7 CD's for a cent each or free. You were then obligated to buy something like two or three CD's over the next year as part of this promotion.
The funny thing was that I didn't have a job. I was approximately ten years old. I don't know why the hell my mom let me do this. I probably lied to her. I don't remember every CD I ordered but I definitely got No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom and did it ever rock my world. I'm pretty sure I also ordered the Quad City DJ's album 'Get on Up and Dance' solely for the song C'mon N' Ride It (The Train). Not my finest moment. Anyhow. I remember getting notices in the mail that I owed money or something like that and it freaked me the fuck out. I thought the police would come or something to arrest me. Perhaps I'm inventing things here but I swear I remember getting collections letters for a year or two after this saying I owed 20 dollars or something but then they stopped. Maybe they figured out I was 12 and they were boned. Either way, I got the CD's for free and life was good.
If I was asked to order my top 3 songs off that album they would go like this.
1. Don't Speak - Eminently listenable. If you could erase the worlds memory of this song and then re-release it to a fresh audience I'm convinced this song would still chart well. I'm sure millions of people have listened to this on repeat after some horrible breakup too. HUSH HUSH DARLING
2. Sunday Morning - A fun song. High energy. The secret gem of the album. Not much to say other than its my personal preference for ranking this that high. I've probably listened to this song off the album the most. Reminds me of Southern California.
3. Just a Girl - Despite the fact that I've never been able to sing this song aloud because I would look like a weirdo (I'm just a girl, just look at me, not your typical prototype) I think its probably the second most important song to come off the album. Not only does this establish firmly that Gwen Stefani is the new front(wo)man but that she is getting a lot of personal things off her chest and addressing the "HATERS."
I've never seen them live. Also one time she licked Moby's head.
Maybe I told this story before. Maybe I didn't. The first CD's I ever bought were from Columbia House/Columbia House Record Club. For those who don't remember this, it was a mail order program that was often found in magazines that would offer you something like 7 CD's for a cent each or free. You were then obligated to buy something like two or three CD's over the next year as part of this promotion.
The funny thing was that I didn't have a job. I was approximately ten years old. I don't know why the hell my mom let me do this. I probably lied to her. I don't remember every CD I ordered but I definitely got No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom and did it ever rock my world. I'm pretty sure I also ordered the Quad City DJ's album 'Get on Up and Dance' solely for the song C'mon N' Ride It (The Train). Not my finest moment. Anyhow. I remember getting notices in the mail that I owed money or something like that and it freaked me the fuck out. I thought the police would come or something to arrest me. Perhaps I'm inventing things here but I swear I remember getting collections letters for a year or two after this saying I owed 20 dollars or something but then they stopped. Maybe they figured out I was 12 and they were boned. Either way, I got the CD's for free and life was good.
If I was asked to order my top 3 songs off that album they would go like this.
1. Don't Speak - Eminently listenable. If you could erase the worlds memory of this song and then re-release it to a fresh audience I'm convinced this song would still chart well. I'm sure millions of people have listened to this on repeat after some horrible breakup too. HUSH HUSH DARLING
2. Sunday Morning - A fun song. High energy. The secret gem of the album. Not much to say other than its my personal preference for ranking this that high. I've probably listened to this song off the album the most. Reminds me of Southern California.
3. Just a Girl - Despite the fact that I've never been able to sing this song aloud because I would look like a weirdo (I'm just a girl, just look at me, not your typical prototype) I think its probably the second most important song to come off the album. Not only does this establish firmly that Gwen Stefani is the new front(wo)man but that she is getting a lot of personal things off her chest and addressing the "HATERS."
I've never seen them live. Also one time she licked Moby's head.
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
Home Alone 2: The Lost Files
In the film Home Alone, our hero Kevin McCallister is an eight year old boy in suburban Chicago who gets left behind by his family as they fly to Paris to celebrate Christmas with one of Kevin's uncles. Hijinks as well as tough lessons about family are learned and we all come out as better people. Everyone except the 'Wet Bandits' played by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. They end up in jail.
Guess what? The following year they decide that they are going to go to Florida to celebrate this Christmas. I'm sure that in the imaginary scenario following the first Home Alone debacle there were a lot of stupid in-jokes with the McCallister family. Perhaps a day after Christmas the family was going to go out to dinner. "BUT DON'T FORGET KEVIN" would say someone...and we'd all have a good old laugh. But as the months wore on the joke would wear thin. Until it was forgotten. Probably around August. But as Christmas slowly snuck back up on the McCallister's the jokes would come back. And now we're back to the night before the trip. Why this family (and extended family as there are many cousins and uncles involved) has to go travel another place the following year? I guess they just like playing with fate.
There is the playful self awareness as the two parents played by Catherine O'Hara and John Heard scream, "WE DID IT AGAIN" *CUE MONTAGE*
Anyhow Kevin isn't left behind perse, but rather boards the wrong plane due to a series of miscommunications and coincidences. Such as Kevin's dad and a random dude with similar build and hair color happen to be wearing the same coat. HOW WACKY. Upon the realization when Kevin hits the ground that he is alone and his family is in Florida he is overwhelmed, not with anxiety, but with glee! Which is surprising. The year is presumably 1992 (the year of the films release) and New York City is not gripped with crime, but the crime rates have not yet plummeted. Unemployment was at 11.2 percent in New York City and as far as what I could find on a cursory glance there were over 2300 murders, over 5000 rapes, and over 108,000 robberies. To put that in perspective the murder rate in New York City has not been over 1000 since 1998. Aggressive anti-crime initiatives enacted by Rudy Giuliani would not occur until his mayoral election and entering office in 1994. Things like CompStat, aggressive beat patrols, and a crackdown on petty offenses had not yet occurred. I'm not saying Kevin should be terrified, but if he knew the stats, 9/10 year old kid walking around with his dads credit card, cash, and a hot toy (The Talk Boy) shouldn't be giddy either. The least of his worries should be a old woman central park drifter who seems to have an affinity for birds.
He does some of the typical sight seeing all evidently in a days time. Presuming they left the airport from Chicago and flew directly in to New York he packs in a lot in a single day. Oddly he's shown taking the Brooklyn Bridge in to Manhattan and yet it is likely judging by the brief shot I pulled off youtube he has likely landed in LaGuardia. He's probably taking the subway but in a small montage he is seen both at Radio City Music Hall and then on the top of the World Trade Center. Right. So he checks in to the 'Plaza Hotel' in a baller suite. I'd have to guess the rate for his room on the low end would still have to start at something like 900 dollars a night. And as far as I can tell he only spends one night in the hotel by himself. The 23rd. The showdown in Central Park with the wet bandits occurs the 24th and that same night he meets his mom and reunites with his family. The entire family is now in New York and now in a newer bigger suite. Did they get comped? Who is to say. Perhaps because of the fuck up by the hotel they want to just comp them since they did let some little kid sweet talk his way through using his fathers credit card and what not.
Regardless, allow me to get to my main point of this entire post. The film ends with Kevin's father yelling from the hotel to the city at large angrily declaring that Kevin has spent 967 dollars in room service. That in it of itself is shocking given the fact that Kevin effectively had one and a half days to rack up that bill and even at the insane rates that a nice hotel would charge for room service, I do feel some incredulous. None the less, he should be more concerned with how he is going to pay for the room. And if not the room, the the fact that this entire family is likely flying on his bill. 967 dollars in the big picture is very little given that the house they live in has (IN REAL LIFE) recently hit the market for a tune of 2.4 million or something like that in Chicago. I'd have to assume they're doing well. Who knows. I have too many questions.
In Conclusion, Kevin should have been murdered in New York.
Guess what? The following year they decide that they are going to go to Florida to celebrate this Christmas. I'm sure that in the imaginary scenario following the first Home Alone debacle there were a lot of stupid in-jokes with the McCallister family. Perhaps a day after Christmas the family was going to go out to dinner. "BUT DON'T FORGET KEVIN" would say someone...and we'd all have a good old laugh. But as the months wore on the joke would wear thin. Until it was forgotten. Probably around August. But as Christmas slowly snuck back up on the McCallister's the jokes would come back. And now we're back to the night before the trip. Why this family (and extended family as there are many cousins and uncles involved) has to go travel another place the following year? I guess they just like playing with fate.
There is the playful self awareness as the two parents played by Catherine O'Hara and John Heard scream, "WE DID IT AGAIN" *CUE MONTAGE*
Anyhow Kevin isn't left behind perse, but rather boards the wrong plane due to a series of miscommunications and coincidences. Such as Kevin's dad and a random dude with similar build and hair color happen to be wearing the same coat. HOW WACKY. Upon the realization when Kevin hits the ground that he is alone and his family is in Florida he is overwhelmed, not with anxiety, but with glee! Which is surprising. The year is presumably 1992 (the year of the films release) and New York City is not gripped with crime, but the crime rates have not yet plummeted. Unemployment was at 11.2 percent in New York City and as far as what I could find on a cursory glance there were over 2300 murders, over 5000 rapes, and over 108,000 robberies. To put that in perspective the murder rate in New York City has not been over 1000 since 1998. Aggressive anti-crime initiatives enacted by Rudy Giuliani would not occur until his mayoral election and entering office in 1994. Things like CompStat, aggressive beat patrols, and a crackdown on petty offenses had not yet occurred. I'm not saying Kevin should be terrified, but if he knew the stats, 9/10 year old kid walking around with his dads credit card, cash, and a hot toy (The Talk Boy) shouldn't be giddy either. The least of his worries should be a old woman central park drifter who seems to have an affinity for birds.
He does some of the typical sight seeing all evidently in a days time. Presuming they left the airport from Chicago and flew directly in to New York he packs in a lot in a single day. Oddly he's shown taking the Brooklyn Bridge in to Manhattan and yet it is likely judging by the brief shot I pulled off youtube he has likely landed in LaGuardia. He's probably taking the subway but in a small montage he is seen both at Radio City Music Hall and then on the top of the World Trade Center. Right. So he checks in to the 'Plaza Hotel' in a baller suite. I'd have to guess the rate for his room on the low end would still have to start at something like 900 dollars a night. And as far as I can tell he only spends one night in the hotel by himself. The 23rd. The showdown in Central Park with the wet bandits occurs the 24th and that same night he meets his mom and reunites with his family. The entire family is now in New York and now in a newer bigger suite. Did they get comped? Who is to say. Perhaps because of the fuck up by the hotel they want to just comp them since they did let some little kid sweet talk his way through using his fathers credit card and what not.
Regardless, allow me to get to my main point of this entire post. The film ends with Kevin's father yelling from the hotel to the city at large angrily declaring that Kevin has spent 967 dollars in room service. That in it of itself is shocking given the fact that Kevin effectively had one and a half days to rack up that bill and even at the insane rates that a nice hotel would charge for room service, I do feel some incredulous. None the less, he should be more concerned with how he is going to pay for the room. And if not the room, the the fact that this entire family is likely flying on his bill. 967 dollars in the big picture is very little given that the house they live in has (IN REAL LIFE) recently hit the market for a tune of 2.4 million or something like that in Chicago. I'd have to assume they're doing well. Who knows. I have too many questions.
In Conclusion, Kevin should have been murdered in New York.
Thursday, December 01, 2011
Back to Back
Normally I would save this. But I just had my mind motoring.
'Bitch' - Meredith Brooks
Could this song be the least likely hit of the entire 90's? There was a lot of crazy music coming out in the early 90's as the transition from poppy synth new wave and hair metal and...wait, yeah that's bullshit. I do think the story is becoming lazier as time goes on. It simply goes that the excess of the 80's and extravagance of it all in the realm of say hair metal became too much and was in a single moment RIPPED APART WITH A SIMPLE RIFF THAT USHERED IN AN ERA OF FLANNEL AND SELF INTROSPECTION. SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT TORE DOWN THE WALLS OF INCONSEQUENTIAL FUN LIKE 'CHERRY PIE.' Except it didn't really.
I digress. 'Bitch' hit number 1 on the Billboard Mainstream Top 40. Was number 2 on the Hot 100. It was shockingly successful. I think this song came out at exactly the right time. It's funny to think but if you look at what pop culture (musicians, network tv, entertainment in general) is allowed to get away with its pretty shocking. Even compared to 10 or 12 years ago. And while there are going to be plenty of people who suggest this ever loosening belt of morals is bad news, I will politely disagree. Anyhow, the year is 1997. I do feel that bitch being uttered in a song was still kind of controversial. It's a bad word! You can't say that. The fact that it managed to acquire major mainstream success is quite interesting. Even though the word bitch is only used 4 times in the whole song.
The late 90's was a confusing place. On the mainstream top 40 list 'Bitch' was preceded by MMMbop and Succeeded by another one hit wonder with a really fucked up song. That song was 'How Bizarre' by OMC. There is no doubt in my mind if 'Bitch' were to have come out in the early 90's it probably gets cut from her album as the label was considering. It also doesn't get mainstream airplay. It's almost hilarious to think that in the early 90's my mom was worried about me watching Beavis and Butthead and people thought The Simpsons was destroying and decaying family morals. If they could have seen South Park or basically anything on the internet they would have died of shock.
One thing about 'Bitch' that might also get overlooked is that the video is really fucking weird. No doubt the song is catchy. Nice guitar strong guitar riff kicks the song off and announces that this lady has attitude. Though as the lyrics note she is an angel underneath and has a softer side....or maybe a little bit of everything all rolled in to one. Yeah. Lots of floral patterns in this video. Shockingly a look in to the future as ladies really enjoy the flowery sun dresses...or at least they did six months ago (i think).
I guess I was wrong. This is not the least likely hit of the 90's. It's catchy. It's got an edge. And people like swearing. She did go to Lilith Fair though. I'm sure there was a portion of that audience who liked the song and then used it almost as an empowerment song. YEAH WE'RE BITCHES, DEAL! Which is fine. I was wrong. This song isn't that crazy....now OMC - HOW BIZARRE....
'Bitch' - Meredith Brooks
Could this song be the least likely hit of the entire 90's? There was a lot of crazy music coming out in the early 90's as the transition from poppy synth new wave and hair metal and...wait, yeah that's bullshit. I do think the story is becoming lazier as time goes on. It simply goes that the excess of the 80's and extravagance of it all in the realm of say hair metal became too much and was in a single moment RIPPED APART WITH A SIMPLE RIFF THAT USHERED IN AN ERA OF FLANNEL AND SELF INTROSPECTION. SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT TORE DOWN THE WALLS OF INCONSEQUENTIAL FUN LIKE 'CHERRY PIE.' Except it didn't really.
I digress. 'Bitch' hit number 1 on the Billboard Mainstream Top 40. Was number 2 on the Hot 100. It was shockingly successful. I think this song came out at exactly the right time. It's funny to think but if you look at what pop culture (musicians, network tv, entertainment in general) is allowed to get away with its pretty shocking. Even compared to 10 or 12 years ago. And while there are going to be plenty of people who suggest this ever loosening belt of morals is bad news, I will politely disagree. Anyhow, the year is 1997. I do feel that bitch being uttered in a song was still kind of controversial. It's a bad word! You can't say that. The fact that it managed to acquire major mainstream success is quite interesting. Even though the word bitch is only used 4 times in the whole song.
The late 90's was a confusing place. On the mainstream top 40 list 'Bitch' was preceded by MMMbop and Succeeded by another one hit wonder with a really fucked up song. That song was 'How Bizarre' by OMC. There is no doubt in my mind if 'Bitch' were to have come out in the early 90's it probably gets cut from her album as the label was considering. It also doesn't get mainstream airplay. It's almost hilarious to think that in the early 90's my mom was worried about me watching Beavis and Butthead and people thought The Simpsons was destroying and decaying family morals. If they could have seen South Park or basically anything on the internet they would have died of shock.
One thing about 'Bitch' that might also get overlooked is that the video is really fucking weird. No doubt the song is catchy. Nice guitar strong guitar riff kicks the song off and announces that this lady has attitude. Though as the lyrics note she is an angel underneath and has a softer side....or maybe a little bit of everything all rolled in to one. Yeah. Lots of floral patterns in this video. Shockingly a look in to the future as ladies really enjoy the flowery sun dresses...or at least they did six months ago (i think).
I guess I was wrong. This is not the least likely hit of the 90's. It's catchy. It's got an edge. And people like swearing. She did go to Lilith Fair though. I'm sure there was a portion of that audience who liked the song and then used it almost as an empowerment song. YEAH WE'RE BITCHES, DEAL! Which is fine. I was wrong. This song isn't that crazy....now OMC - HOW BIZARRE....
OH SNOW YOU DIDN'T!
Get it? It's snowing right now.
Grantland had a 'Worst Toys of the 80's List' that was shockingly short but also wrong! Which is not to say I disagree. It is worth noting that the commercial they have embedded on their page is definitely from the 90's. Though as far as I'm aware Crossfire the game had been around since the 70's and perhaps they never had a commercial for it in the 80's.
Story Here: http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/38331/youtube-hall-of-fame-the-worst-toys-of-the-80s
The list for the lazy was Simon, Etch A Sketch Animator, Crossfire, Pogo Bal, and Teddy Ruxpin.
I did have a Teddy Ruxpin but I only remember this because I distinctly remember having it around. But I don't remember much beyond the fact that at the point I can remember I think I had lost all the cassette tapes for it so it couldn't read me shit. I do remember having a educational (maybe?) toy that connected to the television but for whatever reason I believe I had to get rid of it because it was messing up the television. Thank god I ended up getting a Nintendo.
I'm so out of the damn loop because I don't have kids, but do kids these days even play with cars or things like Micro Machines? Conceptually micro machines are stupid and awful. To put it plainly, they are cheaper smaller versions of die cast cars. They are made of plastic. And since they're so small they will get lost easier. I was obsessed with these. I loved the military ones. I also recall getting a small drum set from my uncle when I was about four or five. Twenty some odd years later I regret not getting in to drums at the time or even taking lessons. I could be a world famous drummer traveling the world, drinking myself in to oblivion, and setting myself up for a run on Celebrity Rehab already. I blew it.
Grantland had a 'Worst Toys of the 80's List' that was shockingly short but also wrong! Which is not to say I disagree. It is worth noting that the commercial they have embedded on their page is definitely from the 90's. Though as far as I'm aware Crossfire the game had been around since the 70's and perhaps they never had a commercial for it in the 80's.
Story Here: http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/38331/youtube-hall-of-fame-the-worst-toys-of-the-80s
The list for the lazy was Simon, Etch A Sketch Animator, Crossfire, Pogo Bal, and Teddy Ruxpin.
I did have a Teddy Ruxpin but I only remember this because I distinctly remember having it around. But I don't remember much beyond the fact that at the point I can remember I think I had lost all the cassette tapes for it so it couldn't read me shit. I do remember having a educational (maybe?) toy that connected to the television but for whatever reason I believe I had to get rid of it because it was messing up the television. Thank god I ended up getting a Nintendo.
I'm so out of the damn loop because I don't have kids, but do kids these days even play with cars or things like Micro Machines? Conceptually micro machines are stupid and awful. To put it plainly, they are cheaper smaller versions of die cast cars. They are made of plastic. And since they're so small they will get lost easier. I was obsessed with these. I loved the military ones. I also recall getting a small drum set from my uncle when I was about four or five. Twenty some odd years later I regret not getting in to drums at the time or even taking lessons. I could be a world famous drummer traveling the world, drinking myself in to oblivion, and setting myself up for a run on Celebrity Rehab already. I blew it.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged
And by that I mean I will now be judging people. I've probably touched on this in the past but one thing I do truly miss is the deluge of late morning/early afternoon talk shows of the late 90's. I'm talking post Donahue and Sally Jessy Raphael and more Montel, Leeza Gibbons, Ricki Lake, and Maury. Okay now I'm positive I've blogged about this in the past. Either way fat babies were back in the news and that is one of my favorite day time talk show topics.
MORBIDLY OBESE BABIES. On one hand its awful. Young children weighing over a hundred pounds. But I love the setup montages of the fat babies eating a big burger or stuffing their face with cookies. It cracks me up. Or in this case eating tooth paste.
To psycho analyze, I probably like these episodes because I am deep down a very insecure person who has long had a history of....NAH FUCK THAT. I think its funny to see these fat babies carted out for our viewing pleasure and watching the parent sobbing about how they can't say no to their obese offspring. THE BABY EATS TOOTHPASTE FOR GOD SAKE. Maybe this does say something about our society. Both my ability to consume (PUN INTENDED) such entertainment, and the environment where a child can get hilariously overweight. Somehow I doubt the child slave in Pakistan who since they were able to, have been working as a brick maker to pay off some ridiculous debt that has been heaped on their family for generations. What type of sloth have we created?! HAVE WE ALL GONE MAD!??! Yes, probably.
MORBIDLY OBESE BABIES. On one hand its awful. Young children weighing over a hundred pounds. But I love the setup montages of the fat babies eating a big burger or stuffing their face with cookies. It cracks me up. Or in this case eating tooth paste.
To psycho analyze, I probably like these episodes because I am deep down a very insecure person who has long had a history of....NAH FUCK THAT. I think its funny to see these fat babies carted out for our viewing pleasure and watching the parent sobbing about how they can't say no to their obese offspring. THE BABY EATS TOOTHPASTE FOR GOD SAKE. Maybe this does say something about our society. Both my ability to consume (PUN INTENDED) such entertainment, and the environment where a child can get hilariously overweight. Somehow I doubt the child slave in Pakistan who since they were able to, have been working as a brick maker to pay off some ridiculous debt that has been heaped on their family for generations. What type of sloth have we created?! HAVE WE ALL GONE MAD!??! Yes, probably.
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