Still Awake

The Other Sister

2012-01-26T00:21:00.002-06:00

If I told you there was a film that had Tom Skerritt, Diane Keaton, Giovanni Ribisi, and Juliette Lewis together....you'd probably just based on cast have to believe it would be at least of workman like competency, right? What if I told you it was directed by Garry Marshall who is currently churning out holiday related films with ensemble casts that have so much star wattage that they literally molest your eyes?

What if I told you the plot was two mentally challenged people finding love? Wait, what?

First off I went to Youtube and was surprised at the volume of Other Sister clips there are. Secondly, this is not a very good film. It is workman like. It would be easy to ridicule this film and the last thing I want to do is insult people who did their best, but man, this is not a fun movie to watch. You are truly in luck though as I have actually watched the whole damn movie. Why? Because I hate myself.

Garry Marshall also directed Pretty Woman. One thing I never understood about Pretty Woman is why we don't think Richard Gere's character in the film is a piece of shit. I don't want to start an ideological argument about the merits of prostitution but let me put it this way. In a social vacuum I'm fine with prostitution. A person exchange money for sex or even just companionship is fine with me. The problem is we do not live in a social vacuum. The people who find themselves selling their body often do so because of awful extenuating circumstances. The people who surround this environment often are not good people. And the types of people who prey on such people are also bad people. So as a whole I will say that prostitution in general is a negative in society. Why are we okay with Gere paying this woman lots of money just to hang with him then? He knows nothing about her...other than perhaps she cares about her dental hygiene.

He doesn't know enough to make value judgements on her but he is contributing in long and short to ensuring that (let's assume he does not fall in love with her but merely she hangs out with him for the week) she stays on the streets of Los Angeles looking for her next 'john'. The opportunities for violence to befall her are high given her occupation and the area she lives and works in.

One other thing that goes unexplored is what happens to Jason Alexanders character? Why weren't the cops called? He did in fact try to rape Julia Roberts character.

Guide to Opening Boutique Clothing Store (Hip Edition)

2012-01-08T01:46:00.003-06:00

First off you need to have a minimalist approach. The less items that appear to be on sale the better. Don't have any traditional clothing racks. My concept. All the clothes are mashed in a dressers spread throughout the store. They'll all be smashed in their and wrinkled to all hell. No fucking price tags on those either. You bring them up to the check out and then you find out the price. It's all part of the shaming you into buying shit when you don't want to because its way too expensive experience.

The floors will be wood. There will be a single really uncomfortable chair at the front of the store and instead of a table you'll have a tree stump. On top of that tree stump will be vintage Playboy issues. The reason for this is that you can appear edgy but also ironic in one simple stroke. You will want to sell shoes there but this is where you have to decide what type of business you're getting in to. You either cater to the sneaker freak type people who will pay 800 dollars for a limited release Nike Dunk, or you go for the less enthusiast, but still cares about their shoes because you have hand crafted leather work boots that that go for 350 but will be worn by a man who has never lifted a hammer and couldn't tell you the difference between an impact drill and a band saw. Be sure to stock plenty of van's slip ons though. Those are good for both sexes.

The dressing room will be a claw foot bathtub and a circular shower curtain. Though the store can hold 18 people comfortably every Wednesday night the store should host a dance party after hours where DJ NBA JAM will spin records until the wee hours where 40 people will uncomfortably sweat and grind one another.

You will have a stuffed deer head mounted on the wall. You will have a big mouth billy bass on the wall. You will also have a picture of a young Pamela Anderson posing. Keep HR Giger off these walls.

And you don't have plastic bags. If you buy merchandise you roll their clothes in bubble wrap and hand it to them.

I do consulting. 400/hr.

A few days Late

2012-01-06T23:34:00.002-06:00

But if I was going to sum up New Years for me its generally this: (I am Lt. Dan)

Let Us Not Have Cows

2012-01-06T00:11:00.002-06:00

There is a growing trend in the social media world to post a picture of yourself when you were a baby. I don't do that bullshit. Don't get me wrong, it is fascinating to see what someone looked like when they were young, but ultimately unless you get super skinny or super fat you are basically just yourself but smaller. I think its a real cop out really. If I'm trying to stalk you (yes I said stalk) then I want to see YOU.

Let's not kid ourselves. We stalk people technologically now. People put pictures of themselves doing cool stuff on facebook so others can enjoy. But we all do it too so we can say, "Hey, look at me, I'm out doing cool and interesting stuff and you should like me." I mean...no one posts pictures of themselves abusing animals even if they were genuinely interested in abusing animals. The reason is because they want to appear outwardly that their lives are good and they are in control.

The first 50 seconds of the Social Network trailer sum up everything about Facebook.

Getting back to ME, since this is MY blog. I genuinely like seeing what other people are up to in their lives. Seeing where they are, where they're going, what they're up to. So I guess I'm a 21st century stalker. It also creates interesting and weird situations where you feel like you know a person well even if you haven't talked to them in months. It does let you be a good internet detective if you read between the lines of what people say though.

I'm actually thinking about opening my own business. It would be a photography studio that deals exclusively in profile pictures for all varieties of pictures but its all for Facebook and your Twitter pic and what not. The whole point is we go to places and stage social activities. We would do makeup, we would do lighting, we would do very extreme setups but the whole point is that they all appear candid. SO we'd intentionally have a bit too much of a flash, but it would be controlled so you don't over light and then highlight all your blemishes. And we'd make sure you're appearing to be just looking at the camera after someone called your name but in reality its all very controlled so we avoid giving you a double chin and a weird smile. I'm going to be rich.

Getting back to the baby pictures. Its fine if you've just had a baby and want to post baby pictures. I've given up really. I get it. Once you have a kid it takes over your every waking moment. I MUST EARN MONEY TO PROVIDE FOR BABY. MUST FEED BABY. MUST CHANGE BABY. BABY IS HALF ME SO WHEN IT SAYS SOMETHING FUNNY I AM BEING FUNNY. BABY BABY BABY. I get it. So i'm not going to get pissed when you make your profile picture a baby photograph of your own child. But if you make your profile picture a photo of you when you were two in front of your birthday cake I won't stand for it. I WANT THE GRITTY DIRTY TRUTH!!! For real. Now if you don't mind, I need to go make sure I don't have any baby pictures of my own or else I'll be Mr. Hypocrite.

In My Dream I Am Dying

2012-01-03T01:52:00.002-06:00

Forecasting 2012's Up And Coming Trends:

Bold Prediction 1: Fred Armisen Will play an instrument in 2012

Bold Prediction 2: Women will be asked to lose even more weight to meet the unattainable standards that society sets. And I will continue to agree with these awful sexist standards.

Trend Watch 1: Dubstep will become over exposed by March.

Trend Watch 2: Chicks shaving their heads

Bold Prediction 3: Coneheads is rebooted as a 3D CGI family comedy.

Bold Prediction 4: I will begin writing a status update with very direct references to pornography consumption but then never post it fearing that the few family members who I have friended on facebook will be reading it.

Trend Watch 3: Ironic beards will die out. Ironic really long fingernails are in.

Trend Watch 4: People will begin adamantly insisting that The Simpsons is back to its early years form.

Bold Prediction 5: The Baha Men will make a return to the top of the charts with 'Who Let the Dogs Out II?' in a clear homage to Guns n' Roses Use Your Illusion II record album.

Trend Watch 5: I will be wearing sweat pants more as I continue to get fatter.

Bold Prediction 6: Shannyn Sossamon will finally marry me.

New Years Eve

2012-01-01T15:01:00.003-06:00

Last night I was standing with the love of my life as snow flakes slowly drifted downwards from the sky. The calm that pervaded the city streets as we silently enjoyed those last fleeting moments of 2011. We embraced with a kiss as the clock struck midnight.

That is exactly what has never happened. Something closer would be me standing in First Ave. with a few friends yelling incoherently as the massive quantities of alcohol I ingested are slowing working their magic. My eyes are red and dialating and everyone I look at it starting to look more and more attractive even if they're disgusting piles of garbage. On the plus side it was worth flipping 10 dollars for a coat check.

CUE OBLIGATORY NEW YEARS DAY SONGS:

I Sleep In A Basement

2011-12-31T04:23:00.001-06:00

And for some irrational reason I'm deeply concerned about Radon poisoning. The way I combat this is to have a fan on at all times...even though in reality this wouldn't do shit if there was actually a high level of radon seeping in.

Ho Ho Ho

2011-12-24T02:06:00.002-06:00

This encapsulates the holidays.

What's that song?

2011-12-22T01:38:00.002-06:00

I just heard it again and it was in a car insurance commercial for Farmers Insurance. That song? I had to google the lyrics to figure it out.

It's called 'Another Night' by The Real McCoy. Who you ask? The REAL McCoy...a German House band of course. Is there any type of music that came out of Germany in the early 90's that wasn't house music? I think not. And just like any type of fine German engineering this song will last 1000 years. It has the ability to both be indelibly aged and part of a very specific time frame but also sounding amazingly not so aged. Alright I'm lying. Th

I'd like to think it was a toss up between this song and the Haddaway song 'What is Love' for use in the Roxbury/Dudes dancing in Club sketches. Furthermore I can't help but suspect lots of people have had sex to both of these songs. Which is the true sign of how good a song is.

Ugly in New York

2011-12-21T03:09:00.006-06:00

First off. There's this:

Great and good. Time for the lightning round.

Kim Jong Il - He died. Given the amount of books I've read about North Korea, the time spent reading/thumbing through think tank speculation papers on the future of Asia, and my interest in that region in general I'd argue I'm probably in the top 10 percent in the United States as far as actually sort of vaguely understanding how North Korea operates and what the future may hold. Yeah I think he was a weird, eccentric, and ultimately awful human being. I also can laugh at all the random (but lets be clear here annoying since there are way too many of them) tumblr/photo sites where Kim Jong Il looks at shit. And god I hope things work out. An immediate collapse of the North Korean government would be awful for a number of reasons but so would some drawn out situation that they are involved in now. The volume of suffering is immense and well pardon me while I not laugh that much at the 48th "Me so ronery" joke. On the other hand its so bizarre that you just can't help but laugh and feel bad all at once.

Kim Kardashian - I don't get it. She did a sex tape. Her dad was friends and somewhat of a legal representative for O.J. Most famously known for reading what at the time sounded like a chilling suicide note. Don't get it twisted. I understand the forces that make her a star. What I don't get is why people think she is amazingly beautiful. Also her sister Khloe looks hideous and in 15 years she'll either be anorexic or gigantic and be fluctuating weight like she's a member of Wilson Philips.

Dubstep - You know its getting big when its in the new GI Joe trailer. Right? GIVE ME THOSE FAT DROPS!

Young Adult - MINNESOTA! Haven't seen it yet. Going tomorrow. Will report.

The Proud Return of Scenes From Films that Make/Have Made at One Point Scott Cry:

First of all this scene isn't even fair. You've got a sad song (with a children chorus which is basically fucking cheating) and you have the fact that this is a true story.

As a stereotypical dude, sports movies are occasionally my weakness. Many verge on the level of bullshit and I don't really get choked up. But you need no context (and this scene is scientifically backed as a scene that will cause people to lose it) for a scene like this. Did I mention it has a kid in it? Not fair. It won't let me embed it but I warn you. Only the coldest human could avoid crying. And you don't need context on this because the movie really isn't that great.

Click if You Dare

Slightly more violent and not for the squeamish but Giovanni Ribisi's death scene in Saving Private Ryan is a real classic punch to the gut.

LATE BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: HERE IS A FUNNY TUMBLR OF KIM JONG IL DROPPING THE BASS.

http://kimjongildroppingthebass.tumblr.com/

MUSIC

2011-12-15T01:46:00.002-06:00

There is NO DOUBT that 'Don't Speak' is a good song. See what I did there?

Maybe I told this story before. Maybe I didn't. The first CD's I ever bought were from Columbia House/Columbia House Record Club. For those who don't remember this, it was a mail order program that was often found in magazines that would offer you something like 7 CD's for a cent each or free. You were then obligated to buy something like two or three CD's over the next year as part of this promotion.

The funny thing was that I didn't have a job. I was approximately ten years old. I don't know why the hell my mom let me do this. I probably lied to her. I don't remember every CD I ordered but I definitely got No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom and did it ever rock my world. I'm pretty sure I also ordered the Quad City DJ's album 'Get on Up and Dance' solely for the song C'mon N' Ride It (The Train). Not my finest moment. Anyhow. I remember getting notices in the mail that I owed money or something like that and it freaked me the fuck out. I thought the police would come or something to arrest me. Perhaps I'm inventing things here but I swear I remember getting collections letters for a year or two after this saying I owed 20 dollars or something but then they stopped. Maybe they figured out I was 12 and they were boned. Either way, I got the CD's for free and life was good.

If I was asked to order my top 3 songs off that album they would go like this.

1. Don't Speak - Eminently listenable. If you could erase the worlds memory of this song and then re-release it to a fresh audience I'm convinced this song would still chart well. I'm sure millions of people have listened to this on repeat after some horrible breakup too. HUSH HUSH DARLING

2. Sunday Morning - A fun song. High energy. The secret gem of the album. Not much to say other than its my personal preference for ranking this that high. I've probably listened to this song off the album the most. Reminds me of Southern California.

3. Just a Girl - Despite the fact that I've never been able to sing this song aloud because I would look like a weirdo (I'm just a girl, just look at me, not your typical prototype) I think its probably the second most important song to come off the album. Not only does this establish firmly that Gwen Stefani is the new front(wo)man but that she is getting a lot of personal things off her chest and addressing the "HATERS."

I've never seen them live. Also one time she licked Moby's head.

Home Alone 2: The Lost Files

2011-12-07T21:33:00.002-06:00

In the film Home Alone, our hero Kevin McCallister is an eight year old boy in suburban Chicago who gets left behind by his family as they fly to Paris to celebrate Christmas with one of Kevin's uncles. Hijinks as well as tough lessons about family are learned and we all come out as better people. Everyone except the 'Wet Bandits' played by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. They end up in jail.

Guess what? The following year they decide that they are going to go to Florida to celebrate this Christmas. I'm sure that in the imaginary scenario following the first Home Alone debacle there were a lot of stupid in-jokes with the McCallister family. Perhaps a day after Christmas the family was going to go out to dinner. "BUT DON'T FORGET KEVIN" would say someone...and we'd all have a good old laugh. But as the months wore on the joke would wear thin. Until it was forgotten. Probably around August. But as Christmas slowly snuck back up on the McCallister's the jokes would come back. And now we're back to the night before the trip. Why this family (and extended family as there are many cousins and uncles involved) has to go travel another place the following year? I guess they just like playing with fate.

There is the playful self awareness as the two parents played by Catherine O'Hara and John Heard scream, "WE DID IT AGAIN" *CUE MONTAGE*

Anyhow Kevin isn't left behind perse, but rather boards the wrong plane due to a series of miscommunications and coincidences. Such as Kevin's dad and a random dude with similar build and hair color happen to be wearing the same coat. HOW WACKY. Upon the realization when Kevin hits the ground that he is alone and his family is in Florida he is overwhelmed, not with anxiety, but with glee! Which is surprising. The year is presumably 1992 (the year of the films release) and New York City is not gripped with crime, but the crime rates have not yet plummeted. Unemployment was at 11.2 percent in New York City and as far as what I could find on a cursory glance there were over 2300 murders, over 5000 rapes, and over 108,000 robberies. To put that in perspective the murder rate in New York City has not been over 1000 since 1998. Aggressive anti-crime initiatives enacted by Rudy Giuliani would not occur until his mayoral election and entering office in 1994. Things like CompStat, aggressive beat patrols, and a crackdown on petty offenses had not yet occurred. I'm not saying Kevin should be terrified, but if he knew the stats, 9/10 year old kid walking around with his dads credit card, cash, and a hot toy (The Talk Boy) shouldn't be giddy either. The least of his worries should be a old woman central park drifter who seems to have an affinity for birds.

He does some of the typical sight seeing all evidently in a days time. Presuming they left the airport from Chicago and flew directly in to New York he packs in a lot in a single day. Oddly he's shown taking the Brooklyn Bridge in to Manhattan and yet it is likely judging by the brief shot I pulled off youtube he has likely landed in LaGuardia. He's probably taking the subway but in a small montage he is seen both at Radio City Music Hall and then on the top of the World Trade Center. Right. So he checks in to the 'Plaza Hotel' in a baller suite. I'd have to guess the rate for his room on the low end would still have to start at something like 900 dollars a night. And as far as I can tell he only spends one night in the hotel by himself. The 23rd. The showdown in Central Park with the wet bandits occurs the 24th and that same night he meets his mom and reunites with his family. The entire family is now in New York and now in a newer bigger suite. Did they get comped? Who is to say. Perhaps because of the fuck up by the hotel they want to just comp them since they did let some little kid sweet talk his way through using his fathers credit card and what not.

Regardless, allow me to get to my main point of this entire post. The film ends with Kevin's father yelling from the hotel to the city at large angrily declaring that Kevin has spent 967 dollars in room service. That in it of itself is shocking given the fact that Kevin effectively had one and a half days to rack up that bill and even at the insane rates that a nice hotel would charge for room service, I do feel some incredulous. None the less, he should be more concerned with how he is going to pay for the room. And if not the room, the the fact that this entire family is likely flying on his bill. 967 dollars in the big picture is very little given that the house they live in has (IN REAL LIFE) recently hit the market for a tune of 2.4 million or something like that in Chicago. I'd have to assume they're doing well. Who knows. I have too many questions.

In Conclusion, Kevin should have been murdered in New York.

Back to Back

2011-12-01T03:25:00.003-06:00

Normally I would save this. But I just had my mind motoring.

'Bitch' - Meredith Brooks

Could this song be the least likely hit of the entire 90's? There was a lot of crazy music coming out in the early 90's as the transition from poppy synth new wave and hair metal and...wait, yeah that's bullshit. I do think the story is becoming lazier as time goes on. It simply goes that the excess of the 80's and extravagance of it all in the realm of say hair metal became too much and was in a single moment RIPPED APART WITH A SIMPLE RIFF THAT USHERED IN AN ERA OF FLANNEL AND SELF INTROSPECTION. SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT TORE DOWN THE WALLS OF INCONSEQUENTIAL FUN LIKE 'CHERRY PIE.' Except it didn't really.

I digress. 'Bitch' hit number 1 on the Billboard Mainstream Top 40. Was number 2 on the Hot 100. It was shockingly successful. I think this song came out at exactly the right time. It's funny to think but if you look at what pop culture (musicians, network tv, entertainment in general) is allowed to get away with its pretty shocking. Even compared to 10 or 12 years ago. And while there are going to be plenty of people who suggest this ever loosening belt of morals is bad news, I will politely disagree. Anyhow, the year is 1997. I do feel that bitch being uttered in a song was still kind of controversial. It's a bad word! You can't say that. The fact that it managed to acquire major mainstream success is quite interesting. Even though the word bitch is only used 4 times in the whole song.

The late 90's was a confusing place. On the mainstream top 40 list 'Bitch' was preceded by MMMbop and Succeeded by another one hit wonder with a really fucked up song. That song was 'How Bizarre' by OMC. There is no doubt in my mind if 'Bitch' were to have come out in the early 90's it probably gets cut from her album as the label was considering. It also doesn't get mainstream airplay. It's almost hilarious to think that in the early 90's my mom was worried about me watching Beavis and Butthead and people thought The Simpsons was destroying and decaying family morals. If they could have seen South Park or basically anything on the internet they would have died of shock.

One thing about 'Bitch' that might also get overlooked is that the video is really fucking weird. No doubt the song is catchy. Nice guitar strong guitar riff kicks the song off and announces that this lady has attitude. Though as the lyrics note she is an angel underneath and has a softer side....or maybe a little bit of everything all rolled in to one. Yeah. Lots of floral patterns in this video. Shockingly a look in to the future as ladies really enjoy the flowery sun dresses...or at least they did six months ago (i think).

I guess I was wrong. This is not the least likely hit of the 90's. It's catchy. It's got an edge. And people like swearing. She did go to Lilith Fair though. I'm sure there was a portion of that audience who liked the song and then used it almost as an empowerment song. YEAH WE'RE BITCHES, DEAL! Which is fine. I was wrong. This song isn't that crazy....now OMC - HOW BIZARRE....

OH SNOW YOU DIDN'T!

2011-12-01T02:30:00.002-06:00

Get it? It's snowing right now.

Grantland had a 'Worst Toys of the 80's List' that was shockingly short but also wrong! Which is not to say I disagree. It is worth noting that the commercial they have embedded on their page is definitely from the 90's. Though as far as I'm aware Crossfire the game had been around since the 70's and perhaps they never had a commercial for it in the 80's.

Story Here: http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/38331/youtube-hall-of-fame-the-worst-toys-of-the-80s

The list for the lazy was Simon, Etch A Sketch Animator, Crossfire, Pogo Bal, and Teddy Ruxpin.

I did have a Teddy Ruxpin but I only remember this because I distinctly remember having it around. But I don't remember much beyond the fact that at the point I can remember I think I had lost all the cassette tapes for it so it couldn't read me shit. I do remember having a educational (maybe?) toy that connected to the television but for whatever reason I believe I had to get rid of it because it was messing up the television. Thank god I ended up getting a Nintendo.

I'm so out of the damn loop because I don't have kids, but do kids these days even play with cars or things like Micro Machines? Conceptually micro machines are stupid and awful. To put it plainly, they are cheaper smaller versions of die cast cars. They are made of plastic. And since they're so small they will get lost easier. I was obsessed with these. I loved the military ones. I also recall getting a small drum set from my uncle when I was about four or five. Twenty some odd years later I regret not getting in to drums at the time or even taking lessons. I could be a world famous drummer traveling the world, drinking myself in to oblivion, and setting myself up for a run on Celebrity Rehab already. I blew it.

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

2011-11-30T04:18:00.002-06:00

And by that I mean I will now be judging people. I've probably touched on this in the past but one thing I do truly miss is the deluge of late morning/early afternoon talk shows of the late 90's. I'm talking post Donahue and Sally Jessy Raphael and more Montel, Leeza Gibbons, Ricki Lake, and Maury. Okay now I'm positive I've blogged about this in the past. Either way fat babies were back in the news and that is one of my favorite day time talk show topics.

MORBIDLY OBESE BABIES. On one hand its awful. Young children weighing over a hundred pounds. But I love the setup montages of the fat babies eating a big burger or stuffing their face with cookies. It cracks me up. Or in this case eating tooth paste.

To psycho analyze, I probably like these episodes because I am deep down a very insecure person who has long had a history of....NAH FUCK THAT. I think its funny to see these fat babies carted out for our viewing pleasure and watching the parent sobbing about how they can't say no to their obese offspring. THE BABY EATS TOOTHPASTE FOR GOD SAKE. Maybe this does say something about our society. Both my ability to consume (PUN INTENDED) such entertainment, and the environment where a child can get hilariously overweight. Somehow I doubt the child slave in Pakistan who since they were able to, have been working as a brick maker to pay off some ridiculous debt that has been heaped on their family for generations. What type of sloth have we created?! HAVE WE ALL GONE MAD!??! Yes, probably.

Listen Up Bro

2011-11-24T23:09:00.003-06:00

Turkey Day. I ate the usual suspects but there was a real winner this year. Pickles. I ate a shit ton of pickles this thanksgiving. It was great.

What isn't great is watching football and thanksgiving and seeing lots and lots of Geico advertisements. They started cute. A talking gecko who randomly changed accents after a year. But once those fucking cavemen showed up...There have been dozens of these cavemen commercials. I'm not even going to embed a caveman commercial because they offend my sensibilities. At this point, the moment I realize its a caveman commercial (which is nearly instantaneous) I start to get very angry.

The worst thing about the newest ones is that they don't appear to be filmed on a good camera. It's like someone was using their iphone to record a commercial.

Don't forget about the short lived Cavemen tv series spinoff. The show was described as, "unique buddy comedy that offers a clever twist on stereotypes and turns race relations on its head." I prefer to call it, weird as fuck and not good. I don't like saying that since Nick Kroll was in it. Kroll is someone I think is hilarious. But even he couldn't turn the show around.

I'd like to rant on and on about the show but I can't. I don't know enough about it. I will simply state that this was a sad time in America. IN closing, I believe in America. I believe we still have time to do a porn parody of the Geico Cavemen. It will be titled, 'THIS AIN'T THE CAVEMEN XXX' and well...you know how the rest goes. Lots of down and dirty sex with a cameo from a guy dressed in a gecko suit.

SOUTH COAST TOYOTA

2011-11-03T01:01:00.003-05:00

Well. You might have thought I gave up. No more witty analysis on stupid shit. Well you were wrong. I'm back in full effect. And this time the comeback isn't a highly staged attention grab.

I do find it comforting in this day and age that if I'm trying to find something that I vaguely recall from some bygone time, it is probably on the internet. I was just talking with a friend of mine online and we were discussing annoying commercials (both radio and television) that are completely local things. And what did I do? I went to youtube, searched "SOUTH COAST TOYOTA" and the first video to appear is someone taking a video in their car while on the radio the 'South Coast Toyota' song plays. This would have been impossible ten years ago. For one, I'm not even in the Los Angeles area where this is playing. I could only mention it in passing about how when I lived in Los Angeles there was some annoying commercial. Today I can mention it and my friend across the country can watch it.

Which reminds me that I was reading The Economist while sitting in the bathroom the other day and they had a very pretentious section. It was an insert in The Economist that was labeled Intelligent Life. It was essentially a mini art section special that they had inserted. Talking about Andy Warhol and his true worth and other such non-sense. JUST TELL ME ABOUT HEDGE FUNDS IN ASIA! But anyhow, in one section they had an article asking the age old time travel question, "What was the best time, and place, to be alive? More in depth answers from the article I'm talking about can be found here: http://moreintelligentlife.com/

Of course they're all pretentious and shitty answers. Lucy Kellaway says she would want to be in America around 15,000 BC. She is the management columnist at the Financial Times.

"Hunter-gatherers were far more equal than us - men and women, rich and poor. They spent time on things modern life does not encourage: chatting, playing with children and having sex with more than one person."

Now my early human history is a bit sketchy but nothing about 15,000 BC or anytime around then sounds particularly enjoyable. Increased technological advances like finer flint tools and harpoons began appearing. This was also a time of massive climate change for the colder. Nothing like living during the time when massive ice sheets blanketed most of the earth. Ice covering all of Canada and pushing down through the upper half of present day United States really wants to make me fuck. She's right though. Everyone was much more equal. IN that all humans were in a constant life or death struggle and one broken ankle out on a days hunt could mean you would die cold, alone, and starving. There would be plenty of time for chatting between the daily struggle of surviving against your fellow man and natures cold uncaring spectre that threatened your every day existence and which drove you in a constant pursuit of food, shelter, and if time permitted procreating. 15,000 BC also predates the Neolithic Revolution which means that the ability to live an agrarian life of semi sustainable subsistence farming had yet to occur. Have fun tracking the wild herds of animals across great swaths of land.

Just me talking but I'd settle for right now. Not fifty years ago, not thirty years ago, but today. I like living today knowing what I know. I like the endless diversions in so called mindless entertainment. I like not having to sit under a darkened sky in a cave in the middle of nowhere contemplating how I will hunt better the next day as my stomach rumbles and shakes because myself and my clan have been unable to track the herd of deer we've been following for weeks. I enjoy the fact that the compound fracture in my right arm isn't a death sentence. I like checking my iphone all the time to see if someone said something funny. There was no time for sarcasm when a saber toothed cat could rip me to shreds. I am here right now because we are homo sapiens. "The Wise man" or "knowing man" in Latin. We have opposable thumbs. We build. We dream. And right now is as good a time as any.

We also wheez the juice.

Screams From the Haters

2011-09-09T01:15:00.002-05:00

I was taking a break. That's all. I got a new computer and its fucking awesome. I've also been pigging the fuck out the last few weeks what with the state fair, friends visiting, me traveling, and generally being a slob. No joke I've gained like 9 pounds since I was in Japan. NICE.

Heading to Davenport Iowa tomorrow. WIth that in mind I'll drop this little ditty. The best part about this song is that you know so many people have gotten "it on" to this song. And by using "gotten it on" I have ensured I will not be "getting it on" anytime soon. Unless I find true love in Davenport.

TRICKY TRICKY PEOPLE

2011-05-08T22:34:00.000-05:00

I CAN'T STOP WATCHING THIS

YELLOW DINO: PEDO HUNTER from Everything Is Terrible! on Vimeo.

Collateral

2011-04-22T01:17:00.004-05:00

It isn't my favorite movie of all time. It isn't the greatest film of all time. It isn't the best Michael Mann film. It is a film that I can always watch and it is a film I will recommend to anyone. The film is Collateral. It stars Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx who essentially share screen time. It also came out right before everyone began irrationally hating Tom Cruise.

The short version of the story is that Max (Foxx) is a cab driver. He picks up a fare by the name of Vincent (Cruise) who claims he is in town to close a real estate deal. He needs to be driven around all night through out Los Angeles stopping to meet with five people and then leave town by morning. In reality Cruise is a contract killer hired by a drug cartel to eliminate witnesses in a Federal trial. Max gets involved when a victim falls on his cab. Chaos ensues.

What I find most compelling about Collateral is the didactic quality that Max and Vincent end up having. There is an ethos that is applied across many of Mann's films that you have to buy in to though. If you aren't buying what he's selling, you'll probably find a film like Collateral much less compelling than I do. That ethos would be a quasi "warriors code" of cops and criminals. There is a common morality that is found throughout another Mann film Heat that also touches on this. That despite the fact that two men may be on opposite sides of the law, they are more alike than any other men. In this case though, Vincent is somewhat indifferent in regards to a baseline morality. Or rather he doesn't subscribe to the common social views of what is right and wrong. He is merely a cipher. Though as the night progresses Vincent and Max do in a bizarre and antagonistic way become partners. It may be a begrudging partnership, but a partnership none the less.

Another reason for me gushing about this film randomly is the fact that it reveals a Los Angeles that is rarely shown on film. This isn't a film for the most part that pretends downtown Los Angeles is a bustling center of life like it was midtown Manhattan. It also doesn't reside on the west side of Los Angeles (Malibu, Santa Monica, Westwood, or even Beverly Hills). This is a film that shows a Los Angeles far less traveled. It even ends with a shootout on *GASP* Los Angeles public transit. The film also used digital camera setups for many scenes that as one critic pointed out though their name escapes me now, how the clarity that digital brought managed to highlight the eery and bizarre glow that occurs at night in to early morning of the Los Angeles skies.

The score throughout is great. Mann has in commentaries mentioned the use of a more organic score and its definitely present in the closing moments of the film. Go watch Collateral if you haven't.

Funny!

2011-04-12T01:50:00.002-05:00

Andy Daly has proved to be one of the funniest guys ever. If you don't listen to Comedy Death Ray Radio then you should. In short, the format is pretty basic though it does take a bit to get used to. Scott Aukerman plays host, there is a person who appears as themselves (I.E. Patton Oswalt will be on to talk about random stuff), and then there is usually another comedian on who will be playing a character. There can be more or less people but its usually as I mentioned. There is a rhythm to how the show works that can be a bit off putting. I got used to it after a few episodes though.

Anyhow Andy Daly is funny. I also think Brett Gelman is probably one of the funniest guys in the world right now, but anytime he is on Comedy Death Ray he also kills.

This friday I'm going to go see Chuck Klosterman talk about something...I guess. Craig Finn will be there too. I'm not sure how that will all work out.

This post was simply to inform you of who I think is awesome. Sorry if you didn't like it. But to entertain you a bit NORM MACDONALD GIVING A GREAT INTERVIEW TO THE AVCLUB!

AVC: What else don’t you like about televised stand-up?

NM: It never really makes me laugh. The only one I ever saw that I liked was Richard Pryor, and that was [shot on] film. I’ve just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn’t know them, I wouldn’t know they were funny from the television. I don’t know what it does, it just sucks it away. It’s a live experience. It’s like when they fucking show—I know nothing about plays and shit, but sometimes they’ll show a play on TV, and it’s fucking shit, because you’re like, “What the fuck, am I supposed to think that’s a moon?” Like it’s a cardboard moon or some shit.

Dear Winona Ryder

2011-03-22T03:11:00.001-05:00

What is up? Call me.

Time After Time

2011-03-21T02:52:00.002-05:00

The only thing I can say about this video is that I always found it weird that she is clutching a porcelain dog. Why not a stuffed one...you know, cause its soft and what not.

Revolution X: A Survival Guide For Our Generation

2011-03-21T01:30:00.004-05:00

No, I'm not talking about Revolution X, the arcade shooter video game that featured Aerosmith prominently as seen here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Revolution_X

I'm talking about the hopelessly hilarious and out of date book written in 1994 entitled 'Revolution X: A Survival Guide For Our Generation' by Rob Nelson and Jon Cowan. With a forward by Bill Bradley no less.

Any book purporting to be speaking to a specific generation is going to inevitably look silly as time passes. That much is obvious. And believe me when I say that I approached this book with a healthy amount of leeway given the title and how easy it is to mock things that speak earnestly. That said, it's hard not to laugh at this book. At the time this was as earnest and serious as it comes, but I don't think the two authors could have foreseen in such a short period how much irony, post-irony, and cynicism would envelop the 'Post Generation X' generation even more so than the aforementioned GENERATION X. I.E. Me and my similarly aged folks.

Let me make it clear. Following the publishing details page, the dedication page reads as follows.

"We dedicate this book to the millions in our generation who are tired of being put in a box and labeled, and who want to join the movement for a better feature."

I burst in to laughter when I saw that. I also immediately envisioned a Claire Danes/My So Called Life or Winona Ryder/Reality Bites saying that while wearing a slightly stretched in a neck oversized wool sweater while their bangs hang slightly in their face and they coyly blow them out of the way. Yeah I envisioned that whole thing while also laughing at how fucking dumb that quote sounds.

To be fair the book mostly outlines how increasing debt, rising cost of education, and things like gay rights are important. And that is true. And one should vote. But the way it is presented is so shockingly hilarious to see that I almost feel bad laughing about it. But I can't help it. I'm writing this on a blog and I'm being snarky and all these things could not have been envisioned by the writers at the time.

The book does attempt to be quite "REAL" by having random side bar boxes in the book that include quotes from real GEN-X folk! Unfortunately it reads really stupidly. Mary, 26 years old and an office assistant drops this pearl of wisdom on us.

"Every day I try to do something to make our lives a little easier, or better. Like try to use just one cup. Or not throw out paper and recycle it."

Elizabeth a 25 year old grad student says, "I don't see our generation as being really content. I think they're search for something. I see a lot of people rejecting what their parents have had or done."

John, age 22 says, "I feel my voice mute in a world increasingly target marketed for people with bladder control problems and who need spray on hair."

Eben who claims to be a 25 year old graphic designer but says, "I went to one of the best colleges in the United States and I'm working as a bike messenger for next to nothing, no benefits, barely paying my rent, not paying my college loans." [HIPSTER!]

Kirsten, 24 year old bartender, "The american dream? Right now...the dream for me personally would just be to survive."

Yeah...again these are honest answers but its hilarious seeing them complain about how shitty things are when they were on the precipice of one of the greatest growth stretches in the American economy. The Dot Com boom and all that fun stuff. But instead we have Susheela, 29, a law school grad saying, "No One's hiring. The job market sucks. I'm paying rent on credit cards."

The book does provide a handy chart entitled "HOW OUR GENERATION WILL REDEFINE POLITICS" which is genuinely worth a laugh. It has two columns. One labeled "THE OLD" and the other "THE NEW."

The Old: Air Force One - The New: Video Teleconferencing
The Old: Polls - The New: Televised National Referendums
The Old: Voting Booths - The New: Voting by Internet
The Old: Evening News/The New York Times - The New: CNN, Cable + Insta-News
The Old: Left vs. Right - The New: Postpartisan

There also happens to be a very funny undercurrent of fear that the Japanese are going to take over! That has now been replaced by China. Included in the book are the "100 Harshest Facts About Your Future."

Number 16: In 1970 The Japanese had none of the world market share in dynamic random access memories, a semicondutor device; by 1988, that share had risen to 80 percent.

Also, this is what the cover looks like:

Am I being an asshole? Yes. Did I buy this at a book store for 2 dollars? Yes. Do I think its funny that people were complaining about college being expensive when they were paying something like 2000 dollars a year on tuition? YES.

A Postmortem

2011-03-18T01:05:00.002-05:00

It has been a long time. I'm not apologizing this time though. I will simply admit that I am lazy.

What is worth noting is that I just got back from Texas. I won't say anything disparaging because there really isn't much to say. There are certainly a lot of churches in the Dallas/Fort Worth area though.

Ashley played host to me as I at the last second made a decision to come down to Austin for SXSW. She's got a great place and between her, James, and Jenn they were more than accommodating. Mega-Props to her for getting me in to some great events...and if you're reading this you are probably my friend on Facebook anyways so go there for some more pics.

I will say that SXSW is kind of like a giant block party with lots of music, free beer, mustaches, tattoos, and chicks with weird/hot haircuts where for no reason part of their head is shaved and the other is two feet long. I definitely blew it though when it came to eating a massive texas steak. I feel as though I could pound one of those challenge size steaks where you have to eat 80 ounces worth of meat. I would put my body through the ridiculous pain, meat sweats, and intestinal distress just to say I at a giant chunk of cow.

SXSW did confirm one of my long held beliefs once again. The swedes can make good catchy music.

The Unsubtle Nature of Van Halen's 'Hot for Teacher'

2011-01-05T20:58:00.002-06:00

There is nothing subtle about the song Hot For Teacher. For some reason this just occurred to me now though. I was driving home the other night and it came on the radio. There is a spoken line that occurs that certainly drives this home.

One should point out that in Van Halen songs and other songs of that era there were often spoken word parts of the song that help establish a greater story that was occurring within the song. In the Motley Crue song 'Girls, Girls, Girls' we as listeners are literally riding along with the band on motorcycles as they decide on what to do that night (go to the strip club). In the Van Halen Song 'Hot for Teacher' we are one of the students in the class room.

Hey, I heard you missed us
We're back! (Hey!)
I brought my pencil
Give me something to write on, man!

Classy. Still, I like the song.

Forget What You Think You Knew About Your 12 Year Old Self

2010-12-21T23:41:00.003-06:00

I think I can say pretty confidently that you as a person will always think you are the coolest you ever will be in the history of your life until at a single as of yet undefined moment in your life will realize that you are no longer cool and just old. Fortunately that time has not yet come for me, but I fear that the time is drawing ever closer.

I could choose to reveal some ridiculously embarrassing moment in my life at this time but I won't. Instead I will just dance around this by stating that at a certain point in my young life I remember I was very obsessed with getting a specific brand of clothing and when I did finally get it I thought I was fucking badass. (NOTE: The brand was not JNCO's nor was it Tommy Hilfiger. But I do recall how popular Tommy Hilfiger shit got for a short period. THE TOMMY HILFIGER LOGO LOOKS STUPID AS FUCK AND PEOPLE LUSTED AFTER THEIR SHITTY TSHIRTS THAT JUST SAID A BRAND NAME ON IT!) I also got pissed when my mom would buy me jeans from a second hand store.

Two things emerge from this.

1. I was a fucking asshole.

2. I was fucking stupid.

When/If I ever have kids I know I'm going to be second hand storing the shit out of my kids wardrobe. Primarily because kids grow so fucking fast and there is no way I'm buying them 80 dollar jeans that will fit their ever growing bodies for more than 20 minutes and the fact that I'm cheap. All shopping will be done at Target. More ironically, we are now in the age or post-post-post irony and shopping and dressing like a fucking doofus is cool. It's not "second hand stores" anymore. It's vintage shopping.

I digress....the point is, I think I'm cooler than I was when I was 12, 18, 22, and so on. Now this can either be true, that I'm getting cooler as time goes on and that its simply just an upward curve on the chart of COOLNESS and that I will continue to get cool until at some point I'm not and then I get lame and old. More likely though is that somewhere here (22-30) I will certainly peak and then its downhill much more abruptly than I'd like.

Now I can transcend the downward spiral of getting lame, but that would require one of two things happening. I die in the next few years which would seal my life in a time capsule of cool and ultimately cause reflection that my life was worthy of praise. I don't want to die soon so that is not good. I could also become insanely famous and therefore prolong (Possibly until I die) my coolness. Someone like Bill Murray is certainly cool forever. Though to be fair, I feel as if Murray did in fact dip in to not so cool territory for a stretch in the mid 90's until he revitalized his career by taking on less overtly comic roles. Instead stretching his range by taking on older more world weary characters that still shared that underlying comic streak of his former years. I'd prefer fame and fortune to early death.

Being Hot Is a Full Time Job

2010-12-20T13:09:00.002-06:00

By hot I mean sweating uncomfortably in a old brick building.

I just put "HOT" in the YouTube search and the first entry that comes up is Avril Lavigne's song 'Hot' which has over 34 million views. Approximately 104,000,000 minutes of viewing. That's over 72,000 days worth of Avril viewing. If my math that I did really quickly is correct, Avril is popular...I guess.

I've also come to the depressing realization that I'm now at that fringe age where I'll see some woman on a late night talk show or something and be like, wow, she's hot. Then google her and realize I'm actually older than her.

It's snowing out so its a perfect time for this song! Because in the video it is also cold and snowy.

AIN'T NO FUN

2010-12-19T01:43:00.002-06:00

I've been watching the shit out of Antique Roadshow lately on PBS. I prefer the UK version if only because the reactions of the old English people are more entertaining when they hear how much that teapot that their "mum" bought after the war.

Now I've been back in Minnesota for about a month now and I have to say I am enjoying myself. This isn't a livejournal, but I think I can go on and say that even though I've been living in LA for two years, it took me about a day to get back in the Minneapolis groove. On the downside I've gained 5 pounds in about a month because all I'm doing is eating and drinking beer. Which is great, but who wants a negative body image??? I'm happy to say that the ice rinks (public) are open and I've gone in consecutive days.

Which is to say I like winter but only the first half. Although technically the Minnesota winters are about the end of November to the end of March I consider the first half of winter starting in around the middle of November until New Years Day. Hence, the first half of winter kicks ass and is great because I get to see my family, eat a lot, and then party on new years. Then the second half is devoid of fun, its super cold, and everyone wants the spring.

Lastly.

Terrence Malick + Galaxy Forming + Sun Lit Tree Canopies + Partial Period Setting = Most Anticipated Movie of Next Year

I'm Not Usually The Type

2010-12-04T01:27:00.005-06:00

I don't usually just post pictures of what I'm eating, but fuck it, thanksgiving was awesome. There should be 3 thanksgivings a year. Space them out properly. I just really like eating and getting together in the name of family.

HAM!!!!

The holy Trinity of green bean casserole, stuffing, and corn.

And yes I busted out the NES.

It's Come to My Attention

2010-11-27T23:53:00.002-06:00

That you can learn about porn stars on wikipedia.

The holiday season is upon us and I'm getting everyone the new Kanye album. It's that awesome. What isn't awesome is the Minnesota Vikings season. More tragic than any Bill Shakespeare. Bunk.

More posts coming soon. Too much ham.

Context Is Everything

2010-10-25T02:47:00.004-05:00

I am obsessed with contextualizing random moments in time. I realized that this is somewhat of a problem of mine. Not a problem in the traditional sense that of what a problem is, like, "Mike has a drinking problem." It is mostly just a time suck that I fall in to when I should be in bed. Thanks to the internet one can access news archives and dredge up age old news reports, magazine articles, and basically anything else that is out there.

This goes hand in hand with a minor fascination in placing music in the context of the greater pop culture land scape. I tend to claim that I'm not a music buff. I also typically claim I am not particularly passionate when it comes to music. I don't mind listening to the radio and I guess I could describe my music listening pattern as strongly as, if its catchy than I'll probably like it.

What I do end up doing a lot of though is reading music reviews. Last night I was digging up old reviews of the U2 album War. I was also watching old concert footage of them performing songs like New Years Day. Besides the fact that New Years Day is a great song and probably my favorite U2 song, I had a good bit of fun trying to imagine how exciting it would have been to be the age I am, but listening to this album for the first time. Imagining going to the record shop and picking up this record. I tried to find a review from England or Ireland. Namely because War was the first album from U2 to do significant sales outside of those two countries (Or rather Ireland or the UK). And since this was before U2 literally was one of the biggest rock groups in the world, I think it is worth exploring the idea that Ireland was proud of this group on the basis that they were somehow representing Ireland to the world...in the way Canadians view their exported celebrities as not just famous people but vaguely as heroes.

There does end up being some bizarre conflicts within my own reality though. For example, the election of Obama in 2008 is barely a memory at all. He's only served half his term up to this point and it is really not that long ago that he was elected. Yet, the other night I spent a few hours rereading some of the election time coverage. In particular I spent time reading stories from the days right before and after the November election and a few stories from right before the inauguration. Hyperreality is the wrong word for the way I felt but I'm just going to say it anyways because I can't think of a better way of putting it. I actually remember where I was on the night of the November election. I remember feeling pleased that he was elected and there was what some would call an 'electricity' in the air.

Yet while rereading the news stories about African-Americans who never thought they'd see the day of a black president while growing up in the Jim Crow south or the first hand reporting from a reporter in Chicago somehow made my own memories feel false and even incomplete. And what I'm about to say is not a wholly original idea from my own mind, but when I re-read those stories about the 08 Election, I know how and why this was a big deal and I want to be part of it, and in a way I was, but in a much more real way, I was merely watching this event pass me by. And in a way it passes everyone by. Every moment does. And I suppose that was what these stories from the election are for. They help contextualize what is going on in an election, and put some perspective on the entire event.

This is why I enjoy history so much. I was a history major in college. 1968 was one of the craziest years in world history. And I'd imagine if you were a striker/protester in 1968 in France as a young man or woman it was an exciting and daring time. Or for a more familiar concept, lets say I was a young college student in the United States. I attended UC-Berkley and I was the stereotypical student who protested the war in Vietnam. And in retrospect if you were still alive today, I would guess that I would probably look back at that time and think that maybe I was naive but I was part of something bigger and that it was a whirlwind time where the country truly felt like it could be torn apart...or maybe not. But these notions hold more sway as you get further from them and they can be written about and dramatized until the only real feelings are fleeting nostalgic memories that are probably half false. Which is probably why photographs are so powerful since they capture fleeting moments but freeze them forever.

This is also probably why Vietnam to me is now nothing more than a few movie montages like this:

COMPLETELY REAL ALIEN ATTACK!!

2010-10-24T18:57:00.001-05:00

Yeah. The truth is out there.

Interesting

2010-10-18T20:57:00.001-05:00

Milli Vanilli

2010-10-16T03:38:00.003-05:00

I think I've written about Milli Vanilli before. With that in mind I think one thing that is completely under appreciated about Milli Vanilli, is how if a group was caught today in the same fashion that Vanilli was a couple decades ago, it would be madness.

The rise of the gossip blog, increased coverage of every facet of pop culture, and overall media saturation of such an event would be insane. The fact that they won a Grammy for Best New Artist is the cherry on the top of the insanity of the situation. The VH1 'Behind the Music' episode did a very good job of encapsulating how crazy and simultaneously terrible this story was. In another really fucking weird twist is that several lawsuits were brought forward and it was ultimately decided that anyone who purchased Vanilli concert tickets or albums would be eligible for some sort of monetary refund. The entire situation is kind of hilarious in a weird way. Although the legal grounds for such a lawsuit puzzle me. I suppose the people who went to a concert were being defrauded because they weren't actually being performed for, but in a way they were. Was the entertainment that night any less real for the concert goers? It's a similar argument when people talk about steroid use in baseball. You can't ignore that these games took place when people were taking steroids, so to act as though they never occurred is a bit disingenuous.

Yes Fab and Rob were partially to blame for being complicit in the lie, but the fallout of the entire incident was clearly heaped on them. This of course ignores everyone within the recording industry ladder that was complicit in the lie. Ultimately Rob Pilatus, one half of Milli Vanilli ended up killing himself in what was labeled an accidental overdose.

The First Brilliant Use of 3D

2010-10-15T20:18:00.001-05:00

The reality of the situation is that Jackass 3D is the first time that I was genuinely excited that a film was going to be in 3D and I knew I wanted to see it. I'll admit. I still haven't seen Avatar. No, I'm not one of those assholes who purposely avoids things because they've now gotten "too cool 4 school." I just have no desire to. The only 3D movie I've seen in theaters up to this point is Toy Story 3. A film which benefited a bit from the 3D format by using it as a way to layer scenes intelligently, but one that I felt in the end did not need 3D.

There has been some online debate over the merits of Jackass. It's humble origins within the Big Brother magazine. The merging of many great minds. The bottom line is by the time it hit MTV and morphed in to cultural phenomenon, it clearly struck a deep chord. The critical voices would have you believe that this is lowest common denominator television/films. It is at its core the very empty vapid idiot programming that in turn spawns legions of slack jawed morons who will imitate and glorify such stunts.

I strongly disagree. The difference between a program/movie like Jackass and a show like The Real Housewives of New Jersey or a movie like Date Movie, is at the very least Jackass 3D is done without any pretension. If you look beyond the launching of dildos from a cannon or eruptions of fecal matter on the screen, you see people having fun. Masochistic fun, but fun none the less. Jon Stewart described it as in his interview with Johnny Knoxville as, "masochistic vaudeville."

I consider myself a vaguely intelligent person and it actually insults me when people feel that a film like this is offensive because anyone could do this. Anyone couldn't do this, or they would. What the Jackass series has proven is that the very base human emotions and reactions of fear, pain, laughter, and danger are something that excite us. Has Jackass 3D elevated these base feelings to great art? I say yes.

Quatum Quandry

2010-10-13T17:06:00.002-05:00

I'm watching an episode of Quantum Leap in which Sam leaps into all-American college jock Knut "Wild Thing" Wileton who must prevent anti-war protests from turning violent and resulting in the destruction of the science block while a student is inside, thus ruining the life of a young woman opposed to the war.

Exciting shit right?

Well in a key scene of revelation, Sam is arguing with a very dickish and radical anti-war protester that ultimately violence is not the answer. He then blurts out that his brother died in Vietnam. Sam's brother died in Vietnam. Did Knut's brother? Does he even have a brother?

So according to wikipedia its stated that when Sam jumps in to someone he physically replaces the body of whoever he leaps in to, but to everyone else it is still that person because of some physical aura bullshit. Hence, when Sam leaps in to a boy he still has the strength of a man. It is also implied that then some of his experiences that Sam participates in while the actual person is not really there are then remembered by the original person once Sam leaps out.

With that in mind, I'd still like to see an aftermath of post leaping. Sam leaps in to a strongly conservative person in a conservative town, completely changes the towns views, becomes hated by some because he is very liberal, then leaps out. The original person leaps back in and now he is wondering what the fuck happened.

In conclusion, Quantum Leap is good...I think.

Secrets

2010-10-09T05:11:00.002-05:00

'A Movie Script Ending' is the best Death Cab song.

Nostalgia is a powerful feeling. The truth is you can never go back home. The first time is the most magical. I'm not sure about you, but the emotions that get wrapped up in a holiday like Christmas are always much more idealized than the reality of the situation. Which as my humanities teacher said, "you can only get lost once." Which to explicitly state, you can only get lost in a city once. Enjoy it, because the adventure to find whatever you're looking for is only possible once. Then it all becomes familiar.

On the other hand, nostalgia is false. Things are never as good as you think they were.

Not Good

2010-10-08T22:24:00.002-05:00

The Twins that is. They suck. 162 games all for naught.

I've always wondered how you become a writer for a magazine like Esquire or Vanity Fair. Magazines like those often have very good articles about a wide variety of things. The war in Iraq, the guy who 'beat' The Price is Right, inside the mind of Bill Gates, and much much more. I know they take freelance submissions in some form or another, but I doubt I could write something and just mail it to them and hope they publish it.

It does seem like most articles even when they're done by different authors have a weird rhythm to them. You'll get an opening paragraph like this:

As I pulled up to Robert Sanders home I was struck by how absolutely normal it appeared. A white picket fence and a small sunflower garden in the front yard. Was this Mayberry? Where was the paper boy riding his one speed bike down the street tossing papers on to perfectly manicured yards? This row of beautiful suburban houses masked the danger and immediacy that a man like Robert Sanders could bring to his environment.

You also get great closing paragraphs and lines.

It's almost November now. Orange and red colors that dotted the trees are gone now. Brown leaves sit on the yard that was once perfectly manicured. A slight drizzle begins and the sounds of crunching leaves is replaced by a light patter against the windows. You would not know it if you looked now, but Robert Sanders still has a dream. He holds it in his heart and his mind. Against the shortening days, the memories from a lifetime ago fade like another season.

All my hopes and dreams have been transferred on to the Vikings this year. I'm expecting a heart wrenching disaster that will shatter me once again. It's fun to be a sports fan.

Much Like Kenny Powers

2010-10-06T15:56:00.001-05:00

RANDY MOSS IS BACK!

I Watch SNL

2010-10-03T20:28:00.002-05:00

I still watch this show despite the fact that everyone in America hates the show now and if you say you like it you will be immediately met with a line similar to, "Yeah I liked the show better when it had X, Y, and Z on the cast" or "It hasn't been good since (insert decade)."

I will first say I have the utmost respect for both the performers and writers, but I think there are a lot of things that could be better.

1. No more political cold opens ever. Unless it comes out that Obama was smoking weed and driving drunk and seeing a prostitute on the side, there is no need to have a political open every week. Especially when the premise is as hilarious as, Obama wants to pass a bill but can't because the country is locked up in bipartisan politics!

There was a time when SNL was essentially the only outlet for up to the minute political comedy/commentary. Let's not kid ourselves. The Daily Show and Colbert now offer much more timely and scathing political comedy.

I get the feeling that this is the last year of Armisen's tenure and with it will go his Obama impersonation. I will not be holding a memorial. He gets the cadence and mannerisms in general of Obama but he has really brought very little comedically to Obama. To be fair Obama is still a hard nut to crack but I think its time for a new Obama aka Jay Pharoah.

2. A stronger push for genuine variety. Nearly every sketch in the last few years has been one of three variations. A television/game show, a political based sketch, a reoccurring character sketch.

There really appears to be a strong fear of going even remotely esoteric when approaching the sketches. I've heard a variety of times that some very absurdist and esoteric sketches have run in the dress rehearsals and then get cut (which usually lies on Lorne). The only problem is when I've heard about this happening, a sketch like 'The Kissing Family' in which can be a seven minute sketch where the punch line is that everyone tongue kisses everyone with one guest coming over being freaked out.

I also find that its getting harder and harder to defend the writing when they keep dropping Kristen Wiig in sketches that she has to carry by being a weirdo. She is genuinely good in everything that I've seen of her outside of SNL. She's probably the most talented person on the cast right now, but she's getting pushed in to a reoccuring character funk. Stop making her the woman with one really weird social tick or a funny voice.

Dinner

2010-09-24T02:26:00.002-05:00

In the ultimate sign of lazy behavior, I had two baked potatoes and cottage cheese for dinner. Pretty pitiful.

But I have to give it up to the Irish. They get a lot more credit than they deserve, but the potato that I know is the one that crossed from the new world back to Europe. A good baked potato is (forgive me for my awful food descriptions) somewhat fibrous in texture but ultimately soft. Depending on how you handle the exterior of the potato you can get different results. I prefer mine crisp and flaky. As I was saying though, the Irish were on to something. Two potatoes filled me up something proper.

I saw Starship Troopers tonight in the theater with the director Paul Verhoeven. For those not familiar, he has directed films such as Robocop, Total Recall, Basic Instinct, Flesh and Blood, Showgirls, and Hollow Man. There was a question and answer portion after the film and it revealed something that I always wanted to know about Paul Verhoeven. It isn't some fluke coincidence that there is usually nudity in his films and it focuses on womens breasts. He just likes looking at them! Stunner.

Finally, I'm waiting on a call for a job that I interviewed with. If i get it tomorrow I will celebrate. If I don't get it tomorrow I will sulk. The end game will be the same though. DRINKING

We Like It Here

2010-08-31T02:33:00.003-05:00

I was in Minnesota for a week. I got to go to the State Fair. The Great Minnesota Get-Together. Whatever you want to call it, it was clear to me that it is pure Americana. Sprung forth from the agrarian past, it now is a massing of people to enjoy whatever it means to be a Minnesotan. Namely, eating a lot and probably looking at a few farm animals and some seed art.

But the reason I was back was because my grandmother passed away. It was a long time coming. I had some forewarning. She had been suffering from Alzheimer's for some time. With that in mind you never know how you'll react. I'm writing this back in California. In the place she made home decades ago. Moving from Minnesota to California at that time must have been crazy. Rural Minnesota to Los Angeles post World War II would be quite the jump, just as rural Minnesota to Los Angeles would be today. What I do know though is that Minnesota is my home. It was her home. It always feels good to go back. And now she is home.

That's It, It's Fucking Over

2010-08-17T03:57:00.002-05:00

I'm here to announce the official time of death of 'MAKING FUN OF ICP (INSANE CLOWN POSSE), THEIR FANBASE, AND FAYGO." The official time of death is right fucking now.

For years I watched with bizarre horror and amusement as ICP moved their way through the seams of popular culture. From making a bizarre western film to the now internet famous 'magnets' video to the most recent Tila Tequila attack at the Gathering of the Juggalos. At this point though its pretty fucking blown out. Nathan Rabin of The Onion's A.V. Club was even in attendance for "THE GATHERING" for research on a book he is writing. ICP has hit their cultural peak.

I'll be honest and say I was only vaguely aware of their existence for many years. Around 2002 I watched a PBS Frontline documentary entitled 'The Merchants of Cool' which basically broke down how companies create and control what young people and not so young people view as cool and how even rebellion is merely a careful marketing ploy. In this documentary they do talk briefly about ICP and how they have created a legitimate ground swell of support.

To quote Violent J:

Everybody that likes our music feels a super connection. That's why all those juggaloes here, they feel so connected to it because it's- it's exclusively theirs. See, when something's on the radio, it's for everybody, you know what I mean? It's everybody's song. "Oh, this is my song." That ain't your song. It's on the radio. It's everybody's song. But to listen to ICP, you feel like you're the only one that knows about it.

Anyhow, ICP is simply an easy target but by targeting them for mockery it merely reinforces to the existing fan base that everyone else sucks....or something. My point is, if I even have a point is that somewhere post 'Magnets' video a lot more people took notice of ICP. More ironic statements of intent to attend 'The Gathering' appeared.

I'm not the Czar of Popular Culture so I'm not trying to say "STOP MAKING FUN OF THEM," nor am I suggesting that I will stop doing so. At this point though it seems like we as a collective society have hit the tipping point of ICP bashing.

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

Steven Slater Has my Respect

2010-08-12T05:38:00.002-05:00

By now you have probably heard of him. If you haven't then you aren't on the internet enough. I'll offer an extremely brief summary. Steven Slater, 38 years old was a flight attendant. After getting in an argument with a passenger who was trying to access the overhead bin before they came to a complete stop on the tarmac, Slater finally hit his breaking point and yelled some brief statements over the intercom. He grabbed a beer before he deployed the emergency chute slide and slid out and drove home.

I respect him because once again I was flying and once again humanity proved how fucking stupid it is. At this point being a flight attendant is a thankless job. No one ever listens to them and it pisses me off. "Please power down all electronic devices while we take off/land." This isn't that hard of an instruction to follow. You don't have to be on your laptop, ipod, iphone, blackberry, ipad, or whatever every waking minute. Guess what douchebag, when they ask everyone that doesn't mean everyone BUT you. But there you go again. I was sitting next to a dude who was like that on one leg of my trip. Just listen to them and do what they tell you to. It isn't fucking hard.

Then you have the morons who don't fucking stow the second bag they brought on as a carry on under their seat. I love that you put your roll on bag and your purse up top so now I can't throw my shit up above my seat and instead have to place it at the end of the plane.

I hate the people who request something right away. Just fucking wait 20 minutes before you start asking someone for a diet coke.

Fuck you dude who starts rolling his eyes once the baby on board starts crying as we take off.

My flight back to Los Angeles had on particular lady though who is clearly a genius. We've been sitting in our seats for around 15 or so minutes. They have finally sealed the doors and are preparing to take off. We have to taxi a bit to our appropriate lane so we can finally take off and right as the pilots announce over the PA, "Flight attendants prepare for take off." THAT IS THE MOMENT YOU DECIDE TO STAND UP TO RETRIEVE SOMETHING OUT OF THE OVERHEAD BIN?!?! You are dumb. Immediately a stewardess jumps on the PA and announces, "Mam you have to sit down we cannot take off with you standing." She doesn't even react as she rummages through her purse. She has a kid that was sitting on her lap too so when she stood up the kid was just chilling in the aisle. If the pilots had gunned it right as she was doing this she definitely would have fallen on her dumbass face and probably crushed her kid.

She decides to create a sequel of this event as we land. Immediately upon landing she decides to stand up and start taking her shit from the overhead bin even though we literally just landed and are still taxiing. She ignored the announcement evidently about having to stay in your seat until we come to a complete stop.

The reality of the world is people have ridiculously unrealistic expectations when it comes to customer service. Airplanes and restaurants probably have it the worst in those expectations. Now I am all for good service and it makes me happy when I am treated particularly well. But it certainly annoys me when people act extremely indignant about the fact that they aren't getting refills fast enough at Applebee's or some dumb shit like that. There is a kernel of truth in you get what you pay for. If you're going to a greasy spoon or something don't get bent out of shape if they aren't dropping rose petals on the floors that you walk on.

Ultimately I just hate most people because unlike MY AWESOME PERFECT SELF, most people are assholes who don't treat people with a modicum or respect.

The Return of My Obsession with Sports Montages

2010-08-10T14:05:00.001-05:00

On Suggestion: The Ultimate Mix Tape

2010-08-10T00:42:00.003-05:00

Is it possible? A question put forth by one Extreme Ash (dot blogspot dot com). I think it is. I'm going to try. There are a few possible mixes and obviously its going to be missing some obvious songs. Please speak up if you think I'm a moron. I'll point out that I'm limiting the playlists due to the obvious issue of running them far too long.

Ultimate Road Trip Mix Tape

A road trip mix tape has to have the appropriate mix of fun driving songs and more mellow lower tempo/key songs. The reason for this is because a road trip is long and boring. The initial excitement of a cross country road trip wears off within hours. There will be gaps of silence while everyone admires the flat endless view of Nebraska. You need highs and lows.

1. Bloc Party - Like Eating Glass (Up Tempo and optimistic. A great way to start off.)
2. The Cardigans - My Favourite Game (I Dare you Not to speed during this song.)
3. The Killers - For Reasons Unknown (Bonus points if you are driving to Las Vegas. In fact, if you're going to Vegas just play The Killers entire discography.)
4. MGMT - Future Reflections & Kids
5. The Strokes - Reptilia
6. Coldplay - Talk (This is a good song!)
7. Wax - California (Bonus points if you're driving to California)
8. Stone Temple Pilots - Interstate Love Song (Come on...this was a shoe in.)
9. The Von Bondies - C'mon C'mon (Again, you will speed when this song is on.)
10. The Walkmen - The Rat
11. Tears for Fears - Everybody Wants to Rule the World
12. Weezer - Say It Ain't So (Everyone in the car must sing along to this)
13. The Hold Steady - Stay Positive
14. The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
15. The Foo Fighters - Everlong
16. The White Stripes - Fell in Love with a Girl
17. Weezer - Island in the Sun (Good Driving Song)
18. Jack Penate - Pull My Heart Away
19. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Mary Jane's Last Dance
20. The Who - Baba O'Riley
21. Duran Duran - Ordinary World
22. Death Cab for Cutie - The Sound of Settling
23. The Beastie Boys - No Sleep Til Brooklyn
24. Arcade Fire - No Cars Go
25. Dr. Dre - Still D.R.E.

I forced myself to stop at 25 or this list would go on for a long time.

Ultimate Trying to Get the Chick You Like To Think You're Cool Mix Tape (Low Key Edition)

Coming Soon

The Rumors of My Death Are True

2010-08-09T01:25:00.002-05:00

Commercials advertising the "Great Minnesota Get Together" have been going on a lot which reminds me of all the cheese curds and corn on the cob I will NOT be eating. A truly depressing state of affairs.

Of course while I'm out of Los Angeles Comedy Death Ray gets blown up with guest appearances like Louis CK and Zach Galifianakis.

It was pointed out today that I'm a weirdo when it comes to music. I've even written about this previously. Today marks the first time someone has pointed this out as, perhaps, a bit strange. That being the fact that I will sometimes listen to a song, find a small bit of the song that I like, jump it back repeatedly to listen to a small passage in the song, and then probably move on to another song.

In today's instance it would be Third Eye Blind's - How's It Going to Be. The lyric run from 2:30-2:42. You also get awesome youtube comments like SOLIDEAGLE86 saying, "second to bohemian rhapsody, this is the greatest song ever." I'll respectfully disagree. This is obviously the greatest song ever.

But enough about Third Eye Blind. Let's talk Collective Soul. A band I never much cared for but the song 'Run' was a pretty popular song. The reason I remember it though is because of its inclusion in the film Varsity Blues. It plays over the closing credits. I'll go ahead and say that Varsity Blues is awesome and if you disagree you are wrong.

This is not some thinly veiled attempt at irony. I like Varsity Blues.

The Bitch Is Back

2010-08-06T17:34:00.002-05:00

The bitch in question would be myself. I'm back in Minnesota for a week. Going to a wedding tomorrow which should be fun. As cliched as it is to complain about places that aren't your home, I'm going to do it anyways. Minnesota is pretty awesome and being in the Twin Cities again is fun.

Los Angeles has a lot of cool stuff to do but there are a few things sticking out as I hit the streets of Minneapolis and St. Paul. First of all, things are a lot more green here. Green trees, green grass (that doesn't need to be watered every day), big clouds, and humid air. I don't like the humidity but whatever. Way more people on bikes around these parts. I guess that isn't such a shock as Los Angeles is quite the driving city. I'd like to point out I'm not some hippy dippy 'WE MUST BIKE TO SAVE MOTHER GAIA' person, but there are a lot of bikes on the road.

Lastly its just more 'CHILL' than Los Angeles. If I have kids, I'm raising them here.

With that said, I'll leave you with this video which is surprisingly well done. It is a recreation of The Soprano's intro except instead of New York/New Jersey you get to see the Twin Cities. I like it.

Not in Shape

2010-07-27T22:14:00.003-05:00

I'm not in shape. Nor am I completely out of shape though either. I'm merely "SHAPE." Which is kind of annoying. I mean you get perks for being in super good shape and having a flat stomach and then if you're fat you get to be fat and its like, we get it, you have a huge gut and can eat a lot.

But me? I'm just kind of there floating in the ether. If I were to take off my shirt at the beach I'm not going to turn heads no matter what. It's just like, "That guy looks soft."

In any event I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to the conclusion that life in general is bullshit. Not quite the shocking revelation that you might have expected but what do you want?

I was at a Barnes and Noble the other day and there was this woman. Late 50's or so if I had to wager and she had a stack of 'How To' guides and books about how to fill out a good resume. She had a yellow legal pad and was taking notes or writing down something at the table she was working at. I got sad. This woman is nearing AARP eligibility at this point and she appeared to be trying to grind out a resume so she could be working. Of course I'm imposing all these ideas. Here she is though, in the twilight of her life, and she probably needs to get a job because whatever type of government assistance isn't going to be enough to survive....or maybe she just wants a job to stay busy.

Then I'm riding the bus home and it's late. Nearly one in the morning. Homeless old black guy sleeping on the bus. Which because I watch a lot of movies reminds me of a little exchange from the briliant Coppola film 'The Conversation'.

[about a bum on a park bench]
Ann: Every time I see one of those old guys, I always think the same thing.
Mark: What do you think?
Ann: I always think that he was once somebody's baby boy.

Somehow I doubt this guys family had this in mind for him when he grew up. Who knows why he is homeless. What I started thinking about was the years of oppression that African Americans faced. How the diaspora from the south occurred following the Civil War. How great African American communities sprouted in cities like New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles. Why was he here? Lot's of fun stuff to think about when you're riding the bus in the middle of the night.

Also, go see Inception!!!

Albums Part 2

2010-07-16T03:27:00.003-05:00

In the second installment of information that you probably don't care about, we get a bit less mellow this time around.

Bloc Party - Silent Alarm [Stand Out Songs: Like Eating Glass, Banquet]

What can you really say about this album? It's pretty fucking awesome and catchy. Not a lot of heavy songs and its pretty high energy. I probably listened to this 1000 times as I biked over the Washington Ave. Bridge. Like Eating Glass was a song that I distinctly recall listening as part of 'ON THE GO' playlist. Good song to kick off the day as you're leaving to class in the morning. Fun times.

The Killers - Hot Fuss & Sam's Town [Stand Out Songs: Somebody Told Me, All The Things That I've Done, On Top/Sam's Town, For Reasons Unknown, Uncle Johnny]

What can you say about The Killers that hasn't already been said. In a few short years they've accumulated a large number of detractors per album but they venture forth. Insert some sort of stupid phrase regarding Hot Fuss like, "IT'S SYNTH INFUSED FUN NEVER TAKES ITSELF TOO SERIOUSLY." Both of these albums grew on me slowly. Obviously if you listened to radio at all around Hot Fuss's release you were surrounded by the songs...and Mr. Brightside absolutely dominated the charts and was every fucking place. I will say that For Reasons Unknown is probably in the top 10 for best road trip songs.

Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam [Notable Songs: World Wide Suicide, Life Wasted]

I remember really enjoying this album yet I know for a fact I didn't listen to it as much as I probably think I did. What was refreshing was that to me, Pearl Jam is simply Pearl Jam. They do their thing and is one of the few remaining 'ROCK BANDS' that fits in to a simple rock band paradigm. Not much of any pretentiousness and just a good band to rock out to. (SEE ALSO: The Foo Fighters)

Band of Horses - Everything All the Time [Notable Songs: The First Song, Wicked Gil, The Funeral]

Short indie rock album that totally blew my mind. I could just say that the entire album was 'NOTABLE SONGS' because its one of the few albums I can listen to from start to finish without getting annoyed and skipping a track or two. It helps that its a pretty short album, but its just too damn catchy for its own good. Good pacing...not too hippy dippy mellow but not over the top. Good highs and lows. What I'm saying is you can fall asleep to this album but you could also fuel a road trip with it.

Notable Songs [I wasn't always enamored with full albums. Here are some songs that I played a lot but never really delved full on to the rest of the catalog.]

The White Stripes - Icky Thump

The song kicks ass. That's all the expounding I have to do for this one.

Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folks

I think I've written about this cut before so lets just say that this song is ridiculously catchy but underneath its massively appealing beat/whistle is a song with some heart. It also proves that the Swedes are unstoppable in the pop music realm.

Every Rap Song Released - Various

Yeah its cliched but I like my rap songs like I like my caffeine. Super powerful single unit doses. I'm not going to pretend like I have some super in depth view of the larger rap world, but I can say that I embrace the songs and they can make some catchy ass tunes. There is nothing worse than going to Pitchfork and reading a rap review though. It is beyond annoying.

It basically goes something like:

1. If they are reviewing a classic or re-released rap album expect an absurdly good review. N.W.A. rerelease? Okay you get some fawning article.

2. New rap album by someone who has probably worn out their welcome (See: Eminem), get a review that questions their motives and is in 2000 words described as tired.

3. Fawning praise to an album by hipster approved rapper = Mos Def

Chipmunks in Low Places

2010-07-12T02:28:00.003-05:00

The power of the internet is frightening. I am reminded of Achy Breaky Heart via a post on Facebook. I decide to read the wikipedia page for Achy Breaky Heart which leads me to the wikipedia page for 'Chipmunks in Low Places' which is a Chipmunks country record that clearly riffs on Garth Brooks own 'Friends in Low Places'. Ironically there are no covers of Garth Brooks songs. This leads me to also suggest you read the chapter 'The Passion of the Garth' from Chuck Klosterman's book Eating the Dinosaur. You will learn things about Mr. Brooks that you never knew. He goes in depth on the Chris Gaines saga.

Which leads me to my next thought. Who would buy a Chipmunks album and why? The novelty would run out after one playing. Although the idea of buying the album SOLID GOLD CHIPMUNKS or The Chipmunks Rock the House is intriguing.

Albums That Defined My Life [College Edition]

2010-07-01T04:51:00.006-05:00

While most of us like to think that we have great musical tastes, the reality is the songs we listen to the most are the ones that manage to (pardon the pun) strike the right chord with us. I'm no expert, I just pretend to be one.

Years: 2004-2008

During this stretch I'm in college. While we are always trying to project who we want to be, maybe this music says more about who I really am? Maybe. All I know is after a few minutes of thinking hard, these are without a doubt the albums I played the most through my four years of college. And there are a few tracks that whenever I hear them I can't help but think about those crazy days of eating Chipotle, drinking, playing videogames, and being afraid of women (THE JOKE IS THAT MY LIFE HAS NOT CHANGED ONE BIT FROM COLLEGE!!). Seriously though, a few songs off these albums definitely trigger very specific college related memories which I'll do my best to highlight if I can think of something good to say. These were the albums and songs that soundtracked my college experience.

Brand New - Deja Entendu [Stand Out Songs: Guernica, The Quiet Things that No One Ever Knows, I Will Play My Game Beneath The Spin Light]

A solid album that I would end up listening to at random intervals throughout the many years. Not only does this remind me of my favorite NHL game (NHL 04) because it has the song The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows on its soundtrack but I have to give props to my buddies Dan and Pat for introducing me to the full album. Good times. Guernica sticks out to me as just a reminder of late night Perkins.

Death Cab For Cutie - Transatlanticism [Stand Out Songs: The Sound of Settling, Tiny Vessels]

Somehow I claim to not really care one way or another about Death Cab but not only is this album probably my most played in college, but I'll end up giving another shoutout here in a minute to Gibbard's side project The Postal Service. Tiny Vessels ends up being my favorite song for two reasons. A shout out to Silver Lake (and the California Sun) which made me nostalgic for times spent in California visiting family and for a reminder of some sort of my uncle (who lived in California all his life) who passed away my freshman year. Probably the saddest moment in my life thus far. Very melancholy tune for the most part and it manages to kick in some weird memories of those shitty wet fall days waling across campus. It's raining, probably in the high 40's, brown and orange leaves on the ground, and I can see my breath. Probably sitting around waiting for a class to start. That kind of weather is something I miss.

The first 1:15 of Tiny Vessels is something I could listen to on loop from here to eternity.

The Postal Service - Give Up [Stand Out Songs: Such Great Heights, Brand New Colony]

Brand New Colony might be in my top 5 songs of the decade. Weirdly awesome and is something I can always relisten to. Whoever I marry I will force it to be 'OUR SONG' or something like that. The last 1:56 of the song once again levels down some awesome melancholy feelings. This more on the line of winter, snow, and waiting for that bus to take me home. Riding the 6 (I think that was the line) when its 10 degrees out. I won't call the song haunting, but it gets damn near to that level.

Part 2 Coming Later & with a lot less sappy stuff!

I'm about to zonk out because its 3:15 in the AM.

iPhone Conspiracy

2010-07-01T02:02:00.002-05:00

I'm convinced that OS updates for the iPhone intentionally fuck with how good my phone operates. I'm getting the iphone 4 when the white phones become available because it is way better looking than the black this time around. That said, since I've updated my iPhone 3G to the iOS4 it's been chugging harder than a broken down mule. It freezes a lot more, it crashes out of certain apps, and if I try to switch over to a text message if anything else is going on in the background the phone generally gets grumpy as fuck and quits on me.

Is this because the new OS is adding features to the phone? Yes! But lets be clear here, Apple does not give a fuck about its user base that uses older software or hardware. Their general "don't give a fuck" attitude serves them well a lot of the time but on occasion it really sucks. With this in mind, I am a slave to APPLE but I still wanted to complain.

Today I went to Pink's Hot Dogs which is somewhat of a staple out here. One of those food landmarks that everyone should eventually go to. Did it live up to the hype? I don't know. It was good and pretty cheap. I got a spicy polish dog and chili cheese fries. I don't have a lot of hot dog expertise so I can't say if this was amazing or run of the mill. I'm just glad I went on Wednesday in the afternoon so I didn't have to fight a line that takes an hour.

Lastly, I saw Toy Story 3. It is the best movie of the year thus far.

Actually...after re-reading this. This post sucked. Sorry. I'll be better next time.

Totally True Story

2010-06-21T15:47:00.003-05:00

I was at the bar yesterday enjoying myself. It was Sunday. I was hoping for a peaceful drink or two followed by some introspection while I listen to some tunes on the jukebox. Lets make one thing clear. I don't mind chatting to people at the bar, but we all know that there are the dudes and on occasion dudettes who are too fucking loud, too annoying, and have no social tact.

Well the mother fucking guy looked like Branscombe Richmond but a lot more haggard. If it was really you Branscombe I apologize. Either way I'm chilling and I'm talking with the bartender and he goes on to comment about how I'm a funny guy. Then he indicates that while I'm funny the difference between myself and himself is that I would freeze up if I was demanded to be funny but he wouldn't because he is a performer...or something. Later he would talk about how he went to high school with Paris Hilton's mom and how she was a total bitch at their high school reunion. Even later he would engage with a few people on why Goldman Sach's was a piece of shit and started engaging in politics. It was exciting.

He was wearing cowboy boots too and had a big gold nose ring like a pirate. Another day, another dollar.

Manute Bol is Dead

2010-06-21T01:39:00.001-05:00

Allegedly, Charles Barkley has told a story about how Manute Bol tied his own penis in to a knot in the locker room.

FO GET WUT U HERRRDDD

2010-06-19T04:05:00.003-05:00

If you don't like Gordon Ramsay you suck. In danger of sounding snobbish, the shows he has that air over in the UK on Channel 4 are so much better than the ones that air here on Fox. Kitchen Nightmares and The F Word are two of my favorite shows.

The US version of Kitchen Nightmares is garbage. It's overproduced with a lame voice over. In the US version they help redo the restaurant by typically completely remodeling the restaurants (on the shows dime, not the owners) and install new equipment. In the UK version its a much simpler less stripped down version. It's got that English refinement you'd come to expect from something like an Aston Martin.

It's more than Ramsay yelling at people. He tears them down in the grand tradition of a drill sergeant and then rebuilds them. He cares. He just happens to swear. I suggest you check out some of the episodes on youtube. They're there. Fun times.

Although I admit I'll watch Hell's Kitchen in a terrible sort of way.

Celtics vs. Lakers

2010-06-17T19:41:00.003-05:00

I write this moments before game seven is about to start. I'd like to first say that I'm completely indifferent on who wins this game. The closest thing that I have to a personal connection to either team is that the Los Angeles Lakers were once the Minneapolis Lakers and that Kevin Garnett was once on the T-Wolves. I was happy to see KG win a title with Boston, but at this point I don't really care.

I would like to reach out with an olive branch of peace to all the Laker fans out there. They get an undeserved rap as being front runners, fair weather, and being non-passionate/knowledgeable. Like any good franchise that has a gigantic history of winning, the fans are demanding. When they complain about not winning the title, one has to put it in to the context that they are used to winning a lot more. Does this mean they're obnoxious and I don't like them? Yes. But it certainly makes some sense. They're like the Yankees. They are expected to win, so if they lose out in the first round of the playoffs fans are going to be disappointed. As opposed to say, the Detroit Lions and their fans...where if they have a winning record this coming year it would be cause for celebration.

Really when it comes down to it, I don't really find the Celtics all that likable either. Prior to the 'big three' trade, Boston fans were going ape shit about how bad they were. They were openly rooting for them to tank so they could get the first overall pick in the draft lottery and when that didn't happen people were pissed. Then they lucked in to the current line up they have now, won a title, and the bandwagon was back on track. Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with the teams with bandwagons. A successful team will attract new fans. That is how things work. I just get annoyed since in the last 10 years the New England sports area has had nearly unparalleled success. So their fans bitching about anything is annoying. In the Bruins, Celtics, and Red Sox they have some of the most historically storied franchises of all time. With the Patriots, they've had insane success lately as well. Cry me a river that one of your sports teams isn't winning a title every year.

My policy is that if you're a team that is within 250 miles of the Atlantic Ocean, Pacific Ocean, or the southern border of the United states, I probably hate your team a lot.

Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting

2010-06-06T01:00:00.003-05:00

At least according to Elton John. Although its hard to imagine John going out on the town, getting drunk, and then thinking "Hey, I want to kick someones ass!" Saturday night is also a good night to stay in and blog....right? Being broke and tired has that effect on me.

Riding my bike on the beaches of Santa Monica today and who do I see but one Kate Beckinsale (along with her family) as the prepared for a little bike ride. No, I didn't say anything to them nor did I try to get a photo. What I did recognize is that I'm a revoltingly ugly troll compared to her. I know we're not comparing my male beauty to her female beauty, but on a sliding scale from horrible burn victim up to Greek god or goddess, I fall somewhat further down the sliding scale where as she is pretty high up on the goddess factor. Sure, it might have to do with the fact that she is a highly paid actress who when not acting can work out all the time and eat extremely healthy because she probably has someone monitoring her diet to some degree, but none the less the chasm of beauty is at an all time high.

Speaking of Saturday, another Saturday Night Live Season has ended. This ain't YO DADDIES SNL. By that I mean it was neither a spectacular season nor was it a horrific season. Of course the usual refrain is that SNL sucks or is slipping when in fact, that is always the accusation of a long running television show. If you go back and look at the news group postings about The Simpsons nerds were flipping their shit as early as Season 3 saying, "It's just not as good as it used to be." If only they knew how far things would go.

Anyhow, SNL is always allegedly bad. With time we can look back and look and see where it was legitimately bad and struggling but I think that you have a lot of strong performers in the cast right now. The biggest issue that springs to my mind is that the constant Obama/Political cold opens have to stop. For one thing, they're typically not that compelling. Say something, be controversial, call Obama a piece of shit or something. A seven minute cold open with Obama addressing the country and vaguely pokes fun at himself is about as fun as watching the real Obama address the country. There was a time when SNL was essentially the only bastion of political satire that would reach huge audiences. That time is obviously over. From the endless line of blogs, pop culture websites, and fake news (Colbert, Stewart) SNL fights a losing battle for the most part. They cannot be as timely nor are they usually as incisive. Although they can still be massively culturally relevant. One has to look no further than Tina Fey's Sarah Palin. I knew that shit was huge when my dad of all people mentioned it to me in a phone conversation. I think this is the first time my dad has ever even mentioned SNL or anything comedy related so I knew it was big.

So please Saturday Night Live, move away from the constant political cold opens. Also, do not fire/cut any of the current female cast.

Least Liked Women in History

2010-05-10T01:36:00.002-05:00

In No Particular Order:

1. Marie Antoinette - Although she never actually said it, often attributed with the statement, "LET THEM EAT CAKE." Which I do. I eat cake.

2. Yoko Ono - Blamed for ruining The Beatles and dredging up the fact that yes, she was married to John Lenno.

3. Madame Ngo Dinh Nhu - First Lady of South Vietnam from 1955-1963. Well known as a world class bitch. Referred to Thích Quảng Đức (the Buddhist monk who famously lit himself ablaze) immolation as a "barbecue" and stated, "Let them burn and we shall clap our hands."

4. Mother Theresa - Total bitch

5. Hera - Her husband Zeus has a lot of kids with other women mortal and immortal. When Heracles is born the logical thing is to send two snakes at the young baby and have him killed. That failed.

Who Wins in Nostalgic Song War?

2010-05-04T23:09:00.002-05:00

America's - Sister Golden Hair vs. Seals and Crofts - Summer Breeze ???

Both are powerful songs that are clearly indicative of their time and place and also manage to evoke a sense of nostalgia. Does it get any more cornball/awesome than the line 'blowing through the jasmine in my mind'???

LET AMERICA DECIDE!!!

Country Music was the Original Emo

2010-05-04T04:15:00.003-05:00

I'll be the first to admit that when I was a younger lad I was one of those "Yeah I like every type of music except country" folks. This was a lie of course. The lie was two fold. I don't like every type of music and I didn't hate country music. Country music has identity issues like any other genre of music, but it also earns the glower of those who are trying to be cool. There are strong stereotypes regarding anyone with a predilection towards country music. I'm not going to spend time deconstructing those views.

What I will say is that upon reflection, the reason I like a lot of country music is that while it often treads familiar (nearing parody at times) themes, it is almost always without pretentiousness, and almost always completely earnest in its lyrics. Rap will often get attacked for its complete lack of content in regards to lyrics. Critics will charge that most modern rap is about obtaining material wealth, violence, and misogyny. I disagree, but my point right now is that when you examine popular music of the rock/alternative/indie genres the lyrics are more often than not no more substantive than any other genre.

I should stress I'm not rushing out purchasing country albums but I'm also not one of those guys who says that I, "Only like classic country like Johnny Cash." And if we want to talk about earnest lyrics, I don't think we get much more earnest lyrically than songs from people like Loretta Lynn or Dolly Parton. Like many great artists, so many country greats have emerged from tough often financially trying lives to emerge as powerful and great musicians. And maybe that is part of why I like country music. It's often telling simple stories with no crazy lyrical metaphors. I'd like to think I'm part of that 'salt of the earth' type of person. I'd like to think of myself as more Middle America. And yeah, it looks like I'm focusing on female artists in this particular post but its certainly not the case that I somehow only identify with the female country artists work.

I've also not touched on what I'm loosely defining as country music. Not wanting to get in to an overlong explanation I'll go out and I say I prefer the more traditionalist approach of country (which probably explains my own predilection) music. That being the country music with its roots in Appalachian America and its later influences like bluegrass and the like. Sure I'll take on the more pop infused country at times and throw in a dash of honky tonk with it. I'm looking at you Mr. Alan Jackson (badass mustache too).

Ironically perhaps is that the massive crossover appeal of what are now known as country musicians has at times been lamented by some artists. An artist like Taylor Swift is evidently considered country but the fact is she is a pop artist. Emerging in the wake of women like Faith Hill, Shania Twain, and even Leann Rimes, Taylor Swift is the type of country pop hybrid that Alan Jackson and George Strait decried in the 2000 song 'Murder on Music Row'. In that song a line includes the line,

The steel guitar no longer cries and you can't hear fiddles play / But drums and rock and roll guitars are mixed up in your face.

Maybe I share their sentiments? In fact I'd use Leann Rimes as a perfect candidate of the ever changing face of contemporary country music. Mid 90's debut which was completely traditional in music.

Jump to the late 90's early 2000's and she's essentially become a straight pop artist. Later 2000's she returns to average to good reviews with a straight up country revival. I'll be honest when I say I could listen to 'Blue' any time of the week. What does it all mean? Country has the same identity issues that you'd find in any other musical genre. As far as I'm concerned though, I'll keep my ears open and if I like what I hear, I'll keep listening.

Highly Directed Advertisments

2010-05-01T13:14:00.002-05:00

We all use the internet. If you're reading this you're definitely using the internet. My favorite thing about online advertisements are the ones that use your IP address to figure out where you live. That way instead of saying "Meet Sexy Singles" it says "Meet Sexy Singles in Santa Monica!" Or, "Santa Monica - Mom loses 46 pounds following 1 simple rule."

Are we to believe that people actually feel more compelled to click on that bullshit because, holy cow, that mom lives where I live!? Actually, scratch that, I know it works because people still fall for the Nigerian Prince crap all the time.

I would also like to take this time to point out that the hysteria over the KFC DoubleDown has been way overblown and verges on Obama Birther levels of stupidity. It's a sandwich that instead of bread uses chicken! Often times buns on fast food sandwiches are have absurd levels of sugar and carbs in the overly processed white bread buns. Hundreds of calories for two pieces of bread. I'm actually going to try to the double down later today so maybe my arteries will instantly harden as my blood turns gelatinous but it seems unlikely. Anyone who drinks a lot of beer...GASP....is probably worse off than someone who eats 1 freaking double down.

It's the weekend though so go out and enjoy it.

This is Funny

2010-04-25T23:12:00.001-05:00

Really FUNNY

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2010-04-22T16:25:00.002-05:00

It is earth day. Today we celebrate our mother gaia who provides all we need as we nestle in her bosom.

Honestly though, who really cares about this so called "EARTH?" What we're all really wondering is when will television remake Bosom Buddies for the 21st century? Originally starring Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari this hilarious romp of a sitcom was about two guys who were kicked out of their old apartment after its demolished, find a place that only rents to women (for a good price), and so they do the obvious thing. Pretend to be women and live there!

My idea for retooling it though would add a bit of 'spice' to the whole thing. It would still be about two guys who move in to a womens only apartment complex. Only this time one of the guys is GAY!!! The gay guy is works for an advertising firm. I'd set Bosom Buddies 2.0 in Seattle. The other guy would be a smart handsome african american lawyer. Early on in the first season the ruse of dressing up as women would be exposed but they would be allowed to stay. The rest of the first season would be about all the women in the apartment building trying to court the handsome lawyer and the gay roommate trying to set him up with all the women. OH THE FUNNIES THAT WOULD HAPPEN!

Season one would end on a cliffhanger where a new owner moves in and not only is he racist and openly homophobic, but he plans on kicking out Ms. Parker (the widow who's apartment has been under rent control for years) because she doesn't pay enough rent!! The boys and ladies concoct a crazy scheme that ultimately fails, but teaches the new owner the meaning of tolerance and good will. Ms. Parker gets to stay and even gets to keep her old dog Betsy (a beagle) who would always bark at the new owner. In the finale Tom Hanks shows up as the angry owner and ultimately wins an Emmy for Best Comedic Guest Star role...or whatever that category is called.

I'm Starting A Band

2010-04-20T01:54:00.005-05:00

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FOLKS. For far too long there have been bands. Bands that I'm not in! My main goals of starting a band are to become insanely famous and make a lot of money. I need to have a easily marketable band though. I'll be using the Pitchfork Aesthetic for maximum "cred." I'm also going to use Arcade Fire as a template. I need a large band that has both male and female members and I definitely need multiple races in the band.

1. Cute but not too sexy lead female vocalist. The girl has to be undeniably attractive but not so attractive that she is Victoria's Secret intimidating to guys. I will say she should be a mega mix of races. I'll say she is part German, French, English, Chinese girl who was born in Hawaii but lived in Nice (That's France folks) until she was 13 when her well to do mother divorced her father and moved to New York. She lived in New York until she was 19. She now lives in Silver Lake. She is 26 years old. On stage she will be known for the head gear she wears. She is partial to the ushanka (those fur russian hats) but as the set progresses and everyone gets hotter she will shed the ushanka in favor of something lighter like a throwback NBA hat such that sports the Charlotte Hornets logo.

2. Lead male vocalist should be a gruff but affable fellow. He will always be sporting some sort of peculiar facial hair that no man who works a standard 9-5 job would be able to have.....unless your 9-5 job was being a railroad baron from the late 1800's. He will be a smart young capable man who attended Sarah Lawrence for 2 years before dropping out. I'd hope he has bright shiny red hair. This band will be going for a mish-mash of clothing styles so it doesn't really matter what he wears. I'd imagine it jumps between openly embracing late 80's hip-hop and occasionally a 1920's barber.

3. 'THAT DUDE WHO PLAYS VIOLIN' Yeah I'll have that guy. He'll be back up harmonizing vocals when there isn't a violin part to the song (and often there is not) and when he's not harmonizing he'll be part of the wacky stage show presence. In lulls in the songs he will take a air cannon and shoot out t-shirts from the stage.

4. Two Girls Who Do Percussion - Its worth noting that these girls are sisters. They are separated by 7 years but they will have matching tattoos. The older girl will be the drummer and the younger sister will be whatever percussion fills need to be for the song. That could be a xylophone, weird wind chimes, tambourine, or what have you.

5. 'That Older Dude Who Could be Everyone's Dad' The older guy who seems like he is double everyones age in the band will be on bass. This is a guy who is somewhat of a journeyman. He's been in dozens of bands spanning various genres. He wasn't even supposed to be in the band but our original bass player who was my old college roommate dropped out of the band because he got this girl Sheila pregnant in Boston so he couldn't play the gig. The guy is completely gray but he can still rock and when we get our first interviews in the big rock mags he'll marvel on how fate brought him to this band and how he can't keep up with the young kids. He'll be known for dressing like a guy from Mad men would dress and he'll constantly remind us on the road how fame is fleeting. He will always be reading some stupid dime store novel on the tour bus.

6. 'That Piano Guy' The guy who plays piano on some of our songs.

7. 'The DJ' The girl who spins and scratches for our huge medley songs...she has to be a mysterious girl. In fact she is an ex-model but she will always wear hoodies and huge ski goggles to conceal her face. The point is fans/audiences will never know who she is.

8. Me - I play the recorder. I can play 'hot cross buns'.

The band name will be Nishihara Station. Our first album title will be Appear to Vindicate Thee.

IT'S RAWWWWW!!!!

2010-04-07T01:10:00.002-05:00

This is not Eddie Murphy Raw. It's almost that time of year...SUMMER TIME! Which means I have to officially ordain the Song Of the Summer! I'm not sure what it is yet but I can assure you it will not be a Black Eyed Peas song. I never wrote this down but I can also say that I went out on the smallest and lamest limb possible by declaring the summer of 2009 the summer of '1901' by Phoenix. It was catchy and fun and light. Be on the look out folks.

In other news my foot is jacked up and it makes it very painful to walk. Fortunately riding a bike is easy breezy beautiful cover girl. I was riding my bike the other day and I was in Venice and I'm pretty sure I saw Rosario Dawson. If you obsessively read my facebook feed you would have already known this. I think myself and Rosario would make a great couple. Of course she would have to financially support me while I pursue more serious achievements like leveling up in Modern Warfare 2 on the 360. There is a slight age difference too. She's older than me by a few years but as I've always said, love conquers all (Unless you're really old and disgusting. If that is the case then get the hell away from me old person. Why don't you go watch Matlock?!)

Speaking of Venice...man that place is chill and cool but it still manages to piss me off. First Friday on Abbot Kinney is in a nut shell a event where the first friday of the month all the stores on Abbott Kinney Boulevard stay open late and offer cool deals and open house type things and a shit ton of food trucks show up and its a big block party type feel. Lots of overpriced boutique stores filled with things I'd never buy/use but its still fun. That said it is a deadly combination. A bunch of awesome food trucks and places to drink and yet, no painfully obvious bathrooms for me to use. I had to duck in to a sushi place and pretend I was waiting for a friend so I could use the bathroom. I was seriously going to just piss in a side street but then public shame got the better of me. WHERE DA PORTA-POTTIES AT YO???

FINALLY: My ongoing war of attrition with the restaurant/beer palace known as Father's Office continues. Allegedly the burgers are to die for and I'm within 5 minutes biking distance yet I refuse to be a patron of such a place. Why? Because the dude bans ketchup because it fucks with his original intentions for flavors? A tad bit pretentious??? Maybe...and he does have a point. Steak sauce on a nice steak kills the flavor.

On the other hand. THIS IS AMERICA. LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT OR I WILL STICK A BOOT IN YOUR ASS. Let me use ketchup damnit.

I Wonder What the Poor People are Doing?

2010-03-30T21:33:00.001-05:00

Let Us Raise the Level of Discourse [FARTS]

2010-03-25T04:07:00.004-05:00

A new day has come. Some are calling it historic. I call it Tuesday. Wait, no, I'm thinking of M. Bison's monologue from Street Fighter The Movie.

So we've got this which is classy.

That's about all I got.

Quoth The Macho Man, Nevermore

2010-03-23T02:02:00.003-05:00

To quote the hit single I'm Back off of Macho Man Randy Savage's album Be A Man, I am in fact BACK!

Nearly a month of no blogs has left me stupider and less refreshed than I ever thought I could be. Nothing exciting to speak of that I can think of to be honest. I have finally discovered the best barbecue place in all of Southern California. Granted, I didn't discover it but I did finally go there. It's called Bludso's and it is in Compton. To quote another rap luminary (although not as nearly as accomplished as Macho Man Randy Savage) I will quote one Dr. Dre. "But I'm never off, always on, til the break of dawn, C-O-M-P-T-O-N..."

Let me be clear when I say I Bludso's is definitely always on because wow...my friend and I got the meat sampler for the price of 25 dollars. Sounds pricey until you realize the sampler comes with two sides and when they say meat sampler they aren't fucking around. You got ribs, chicken, brisket, pulled pork, and sausages. I swear the damn thing weighted 6 or 7 pounds. Anyone decides to come visit me or just in Los Angeles in general I suggest you check it out.

Now on a scale from 'I don't give a shit' to 'this is amazing and if you don't pay attention right now I will spank you' Tom Petty sits right in the middle of that scale. He merely exists in my life. He has some music I like and some that I don't care for. The other night though Mary Jane's Last Dance came on the radio and it was a shockingly transcendent moment for me. The song has a relatively timeless sound to it. The video which for some reason is always stuck firmly in my mind is also rather interesting. You get an appearance from Kim Basinger as a corpse that Petty who plays a morgue worker dresses her up and has dinner with her and dances with her. In any event interpreting the song is kind of, well, open. Ignoring the obvious marijuana pun it mostly sounds to me like a lament of a love gone. Think 'Boys of Summer' by Don Henley except not as awesome.

"I feel summer creepin' in and I'm tired of this town again." Perfect really. In fact I feel summer creepin' in as we speak and I am in fact tired of this town again.

Time for a corn dog.

Mind Boggling

2010-02-26T00:08:00.002-06:00

My life is pretty much the easiest thing ever in comparison. Amazing.

Return to Innocence

2010-02-22T14:38:00.002-06:00

No I'm not talking about returning to our pre-9/11 times where things made sense and the Crash never won an Oscar. I'm talking about the smash hit from Enigma that to this day haunts my dreams. Look, I'm not going to dispute whether this song is good or not. It is good. That said, I can't imagine sitting around in my cubicle in the year 1994 where the office has the radio set to a soft rock channel and this comes on and me actually really enjoying it. In fact it would depress the hell out of me.

Confession: Am I racist for always assuming the "ayyyyyyeee yayyy yahhhhh ohhh ayeee" was a Native American dude? I say no. I always imagined (yes I spent time thinking about this) the music video would be some caricature of an Indian dude wearing a big feather head dress standing on top of some really high rock formation and him just belting out his chant. Plus at the end I'd probably go class PSA garbage announcement style and maybe zoom in on his eye and show a single tear dropping down. If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch this.

The funny part is this dude isn't even a native american. He is in fact Sicilian.

Back to Enigma. Turns out that this chant is actually an aboriginal Taiwanese chant that was sampled from the "Jubilant Drinking Song." If you watch the video you see that it starts with an old guy and his life is going in reverse.

Enigma - Return To Innocence
Uploaded by zocomoro. - See the latest featured music videos.

This of course immediately reminds me of the Coldplay video for The Scientist.

Coldplay - The Scientist
Uploaded by itami. - See the latest featured music videos.

Which immediately reminds of the CBC Hockey Night in Canada Stanley Cup Final Game 1 intro from 2009. Which once again proves my theory. Sports + montage + song = Magic.

China Bots and Mexiborgs

2010-02-22T03:09:00.000-06:00

Awesome Job

2010-02-20T02:08:00.003-06:00

It's Friday night and I'm inside watching a movie. I have an excuse though. It is raining out.

I just spilled an entire bowl of salsa on myself. I was only wearing underwear and a shirt. Sweet.

I'll Copy the Onion

2010-02-19T17:29:00.007-06:00

The Onion AV Club was recently posed a question. Which articles you most identify with from the sister publication The Onion? I will now answer this question as if I am a person who works at the AV Club. Some of these I simply find beyond funny and laugh every damn time. Others are just painful reminders of who I really am. Others are just genius on another level.

1. Henry Rollins Laboriously Explains Why Buying Organic is Punk Rock

(Not actually an article but was one of the header articles originally on The Onion front page with a picture saying continued inside but obviously not actually continued)

http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/henry_rollins_laboriously

2. Freshman Term Paper Discovers Something Totally New about Silas Marner

"Stunning," is how Jay Kushner, 23, a teacher's assistant in "English 140: 19th Century British Fiction," described his pupil's double-spaced manifesto. "As a section leader, I am lucky enough to read dozens of breathtakingly insightful two- to three-page papers from undergraduates each week. But even in the rarefied world of first-year papers, Lori's towers above the rest."

(If you've never looked back at old papers you wrote back in High School or College freshman year I highly suggest it. There are two possibilities. You either had to write on a topic you didn't care at all about, you didn't actually do the readings for the paper and made stuff up, or you just sucked at writing. Either way its all funny and this article is truly insightful in to how stupid those intro freshman classes really are.)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39205

3. Would You Care to Join Me For An Unbelievably Awkward Dinner Sometime? (Opinion Article)

We'll then embark on the interminable ride to the restaurant. Trying to break up the long, painful stretches of silence, I'll ask you a series of forced questions, such as what you look for in a guy and how long your longest relationship was. Fearful that you find me boring, I'll try to spice things up by asking you to name the craziest place you've ever done it. And I will actually refer to sex as "doing it," which will turn you off immeasurably.

(Hrmmm, unbelievably awkward huh? Sounds like my style.)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33258

4. Bob Marley Rises From Grave to Free Frat Boys from Bonds of Oppression

Minutes after his resurrection, the dreadlocked spirit materialized in the backyard of Epsilon Iota, the Sigma Nu chapter of the College of William and Mary in Virginia. Radiating a transcendent aura, Marley addressed the college's recent campus-wide ban on bonfires.

(Not much to say here...its just hilarious)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41242

5. Housemates Reject Third-Roommate Debt-Relief Plan

Chad Doogan, 20, a resident of the economically ravaged back bedroom at 1409 Oakwood Drive, received a huge setback Monday, when a humanitarian proposal calling for the forgiveness of his outstanding debts was vetoed by his two roommates.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30779

5.5. Guy on Couch Friend From Out of Town, Roommate Reports

Out of consideration for the unidentified sleeping guy, Thatcher remained in the kitchen while eating breakfast to ensure that the crunching of his Count Chocula would not disturb the dude.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28821

(Neither of these articles is particularly drop dead hilarious but they remind me of how shitty of a person I am. Sorry guys, I promise I will eventually pay you dudes back. You know who you are too.)

6. Anything by Onion Opinion Writer 'Larry Groznic' such as I Must Take Issue With The Wikipedia Entry For 'Weird Al Yankovic' or Now More Than Ever, Humanity Needs My Back to the Future Fan Fiction

(Sure some of these opinion pieces hit a bit too close to home, but that is only because they are suspiciously accurate in many of their assertions. Sure I like Back to the Future [check out my blog history...I think I have at least 5 entries on Back to the Future] but I've never written fan fiction.)

All his articles can be found here: http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/view/groznic

7. Normally I Enjoy Your Pornographic Website, But This Time You've Gone Too Far

To be honest, I've noticed a slip in Sexxxotika's quality control over the past few months. Take, for instance, your recent Quicktime movie "Luvving Sisters," which showed two luscious, nearly identical 18-year-old blondes in the act of mutual cunnilingus. Now, I am a huge supporter of graphic depictions of sapphic sex play, but your suggestion that these two women were related by blood made me more than a little uneasy. Perhaps it is my strong devotion to family values, but the offending caption nearly caused me to lose my erection.

(Uhhh, no comment.)

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/normally_i_enjoy_your

8. Family Unsure What to Do With Dead Hipster's Possessions

"I'd like to give his dishes to Goodwill or the local church, but I'm not sure they would want them," Lowery said. "None of his plates and cups match, and every single coffee mug is different. Here's a Zoloft mug, and here's one from White Castle hamburgers. This one says 'Hands Off Howard's Coffee.' I find it strange that he owned that, considering that he lived alone and never mentioned a friend named Howard."

(Pretty much on the mark on how I have collected an inordinate amount of crap in my time...I'm looking at you Big Mouth Billy Bass. If I were to die right now my parents would have a lot of crap to look through. Luckily in the last year or two I've really trimmed down on the excessive crap I own. I must admit that I do own a couple 'Ironic' mugs....which now bothers me deeply.)

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/family_unsure_what_to_do_with_dead

9. Mark-Paul Gosselaar Obviously Authored Own IMDB Trivia Page

Observers speculate that former Saved By The Bell star Mark-Paul Gosselaar ("Zack") wrote his own Internet Movie Database entry.

(What can I say? I like Saved by The Bell.)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/45124

10. Man Stays Up All Night Procrastinating

Between the hours of 1 and 2:30 a.m., Bogen searched the Internet for information about his old high-school friends, read the latest Time magazine from cover to cover, bought three books on Amazon, and downloaded a single from Jay-Z's Black Album.

Bogen also showered and shaved "to get into the perfect condition to do some writing."

(This is the living embodiment of me. I fondly recall procrastinating on papers and now I fondly practice procrastinating on life. The best is the "I'll just go get something to eat with my friend because I need to 'FUEL' up for this paper." Cut to it being 3am and I'm just starting and its due in 6 hours. Nice.)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30433

HONORABLE MENTIONS: The last 10 weren't really even in a specific order...just what came to mind. Here are a few more that I think are funny but didn't make my completely arbitrary top 10 designation.

Asian Americans Defying Traditional Stereotypes - More and More are Stupid Lazy-Asses

"People look at me and figure I'm smart, just because I'm Chinese," said Lin Bu, 27, currently unemployed and not looking for work. "Well, I'm not. I am stupid as hell."

"It just makes me so mad," said Jin-Duk Soo, 19, who passed on going to college to focus on fixing up his car and picking up chicks. "I just want to party, not achieve."

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30251

Suicide Letter Full of Simpsons References

Storrs Police Department detective Roger Mann said the note is so dense with references that the investigators, most of them only casually acquainted with the show, have had difficulty distinguishing Bennett's original thoughts from the many Simpsons-derived expressions.

"It will take some time to fully understand Aaron's letter," Mann said. "For example, he talks about banishing himself to the land of wind and ghosts, a remark that struck me as particularly haunting and despairing. But later, someone told me the line comes from a Simpsons lampoon of a Japanese TV commercial."

(Any Simpsons fan knows that they're referring to Mr. Sparkle. In typical Onion fashion the intended target of lampooning is so accurately portrayed its frightening. I have to go now, my planet needs me.)

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/suicide_letter_full_of_simpsons

I Hope My Baby Doesn't Come Out All Fucked-Up and Shit

I'm a little worried because of some stuff Erin told me. She was saying how, like, if you party a lot, it can make the baby's face all fucked-up. Like, if you drink too much, it could have these weird eyes that look kinda Chinese. That's what she said.

(Well said. I also do no want my baby to be fucked up and shit.)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33652

As You Can See From My Name Brand Clothing, I Am Not Poor

Just because I happen to live with my four brothers and sisters in my mom's two-bedroom South Side apartment, work at Taco Bell, and don't have a car, some ignorant types assume that I don't have much money. But, as you can clearly see from my $220 Fubu jacket and $95 Tommy Hilfiger sweatshirt, I could not possibly be poor.

(Remember these name brands? Remember how you probably wanted/owned some of this clothing. So damn lame. I'm much more mature and level headed now though. I ONLY WANT REALLY EXPENSIVE CLOTHES THAT DON'T EVEN HAVE LABELS ON THEM. )

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33490

In Conclusion, everything The Onion does is hilarious.

The Myth of the Puma Man

2010-02-18T21:41:00.002-06:00

"A doctor here, but a great Puma man in the Andes Plateau."

"Oh yeah he was for a couple years."

The Future

2010-02-02T21:21:00.004-06:00

Why Skateboarding and Porn have a lot in common

2010-02-01T18:18:00.002-06:00

The porn industry has hit hard times. Like many other industries the global recession hasn't helped the porn industry at all. But lets not ignore facts. They were hurting before and the common numbers of it being a gigantic billion dollar industry are overblown. Technology which many attribute to the proliferation of pornography have also hurt the business. Who pays for it anymore? You can go on any number of sites and watch as much as you want for free. Compound the fact that you anyone can put video online and the line between what constitutes a professional and an amateur is getting even blurrier.

Oh, does that sound familiar?

-Small amount of pros who are kind of locked in as industry giants and are on contracts. They don't have to work every day and they have a paycheck no matter what. Lots of amateurs fighting for recognition and the payday.

-I don't pretend to know the numbers (because I don't) but by and large (I'm using some data and a lot of speculation) skateboard videos being produced by companies are treated like a retail store uses loss leaders. A loss leader is when a store sells something at cost or below cost in hopes that more sales are generated overall. To put it simply, that computer at Best Buy you purchase is priced so cheaply in hopes that they can stack more crap on top of the purchase like a printer, usb cables, service plans, and geek squad installation. Or why stores on the day after Thanksgiving have crazy good deals on some items in hope that you continue your frenzied shopping and purchase more goods at closer to regular store prices.

So you have a skateboard video like Fully Flared which was obviously heavily pirated/thrown up on Youtube pretty much immediately which leads me to believe that a multi-year project probably didn't turn any sort of profit. In fact he [Evans] may have even mentioned that but I didn't really feel like looking this up.

The Loss Leader mumbo jumbo I was spouting a second ago leads me back to the fact that the video is pretty much treated as a gateway for promotion of those on the video which pretty much leads to board sales, shoe sales, and the all important cultural commodification. This isn't really news though.

PORN CONNECTION: Porn videos don't sell...seriously, who buys them? Who buys magazines? If a recent rolling stone article is to be believed the big money for porn stars now (unless you're a top contract star of which there are about 12 or so) you make money in appearances. That means you either show up at a strip club or you become a high priced escort. Accessibility is the name of the game. Much like a skateboard video becomes a loss leader to everything else under the sun, the video for the porn star is basically the buy in to them. You can be their myspace friend, follow them on twitter, and even get to see them IN REAL LIFE if you so choose.

-Let's use The Berrics as a frame of reference. Absolutely genius in execution and building on the steam rolling success of 'The Battle' the sites individual unique page hits is freakishly high and if the Wall Street Journal is to be believed then it gets the most uniques of any skateboard related site and probably has grown since they reported that over a year ago.

Allegedly its essentially become a license to print money. By hosting unique content that is created on location (and occasionally off) and with the backing of one Mr. Berra and on Mr. Koston (who in my mind is the smartest dude ever especially in the fact that he seems to be pretty hands off when it comes to a lot of the more audacious plans that The Berrics has devised [see: Berrics Unified]) there is a unique (i'm using that word a lot) voice that was being shouted out and a lot of people have and continue to buy in to it. I'm not implying their up to anything insidious by any means. Its clear that through the Berrics Unified, Younited Nations, Canteen, and all the other clever word play that a legitimate community has sprung up around this one website. Also Buttery Ass Mondays is funny.

Porn Connection: Pretty much the same as the previous porn connection. Creating an entire online persona so the connection to the people is immediate.

I've got more on my mind but it will probably end up being a loose rant that is barely coherent. To be Continued.

Is 'Heat' the Manliest movie of all time?

2010-01-30T18:50:00.002-06:00

Short answer? Yes.

Is there shooting? Yes. Is there a bank robbery/robbery of some sort? Yes. Is there at least one scene where Robert De Niro gives a thousand mile death stare? Yes. Does Al Pacino yell? Yes.

Absolute Key Scenes (Spoilers Ahead):

-The entire cat and mouse game between the two 'crews.' A cops vs. robbers theme where each team is professional and not to be messed with. Key scenes include the moment when Pacino realizes he and his LAPD team have been duped and are now actually being monitored by De Niro's crew and the first failed heist that De Niro's crew bails on.

-Obviously the diner scene with Pacino and De Niro

-Danny Trejo's character is unable to shake an LAPD tail and is unable to meet up for the bank heist scene. De Niro sees that the cook at the diner they are eating at is a former friend/inmate played by Dennis Haysbert. De Niro point blank asks him if he is "cool" and if he can be driver for the heist. A simple in or out moment that is in the paragon of cool and decisive.

-Obviously the downtown shootout. GUNS AND STUFF! The audio in that sequence is stellar.

-De Niro ignoring the conventional wisdom of abandoning revenge and escaping in to the night instead goes in to a heavily police monitored hotel to kill the guy who not is the reason why Danny Trejo's character dies, but for screwing up the downtown LA robbery.

-On the LAX tarmac Pacino pursues De Niro as airplanes roar overhead. A final showdown of screen giants occurs as the lights for the runways flash on and off. As lights turn up Pacino sees De Niro's shadow and quickly turns and fires. De Niro falls back and slumps over. With De Niro's dying breaths he tells Pacino (recalling the earlier scene in which the two shared coffee) that, "I told you I'm never going back (to prison)." De Niro extends his hand upwards and Pacino embraces it. Two warriors on both sides of the law realizing that in their failed marriages and relationships that they are in fact as close to one another as anyone else could be. You can see in Pacino's eyes the mutual respect and the solemn sadness that maybe in another life these two would be friends and not enemies.

Michael Mann doesn't give much screen time to the women and I think its clear that throughout his career he doesn't really know how to write for/handle women on screen. The common ethos of most of his characters are that they are above all else there is an overarching moral center that one can divert from. There exists various codes but honor is obviously a huge one. Take a look at Collateral for more obvious evidence. Tom Cruise plays an assassin who takes a liking to Jamie Foxx's character and in numerous times goes out of his way to defend/protect him even as Foxx tries to undermine Cruise. Fascinating stuff folks.

Text "Vikings" to 90999

2010-01-27T04:27:00.002-06:00

What a terrible weekend. I can say without hyperbole that my mental state following the Vikings game was something akin to the scene in Carrie where the aforementioned Carrie gets the pigs blood dumped on her in the gym. The moments before she goes in to a telekinetic rage where she sees the entire gym laughing at her (INCLUDING THE TEACHERS!!) is probably how I felt as the field goal went through the uprights to end the Vikings quest for a Superbowl. Before anyone goes on to say that sports don't matter, they do. I've invested an ungodly amount of time in to them. This was terrible.

Homesick

2010-01-18T00:38:00.001-06:00

Duluth Live - watch more funny videos

Giggler

2010-01-17T21:43:00.000-06:00

Purple Reign

2010-01-17T18:41:00.002-06:00

The Vikings have won today. This makes me happy. Prince was in attendance though so you knew things were going well anyways. Nothing funny or clever is going to be said. I'd just like to be in the luxury box with him.

I Don't Want Kids to Read

2010-01-15T21:28:00.002-06:00

Nothing bothers me more (NOTHING!!! Except wet socks and when the homeless person asks you for money and you just gave a dollar to the homeless guy ten feet before this current homeless guy and you now feel like explaining that your charity has been used up for the day but instead you lie and just say "Sorry man" without making eye contact and then speed walking to Barnes and Noble so you can read magazines you won't buy) than when I feel out of the loop culturally. I'm of course talking about both Twilight and Harry Potter.

I don't know any names of any characters in Twilight and I don't really even know what its about besides vampire teen angst. This isn't really a problem except I like playing trivia. Even if its a real basic trivia question about Twilight I just won't know anything. Twilight and Harry Potter have now become cultural institutions within a broader pop culture landscape and I can't escape that. When I'm supposed to know who Snivelous Snognarimous Shiancoe is and what secret magic spell he casts on some flying dragon creature in the 4th book all I can do is look directly in to the camera and say, "WHY I AUGHT-AHHH!!!!" while shaking my fist rapidly in the air.

I just do not give a shit about either franchise and it is a gigantic black hole of knowledge for which I doubt I will ever fill. This isn't a hatefest (not affiliated with Lilith Fair) directed at those who read the books. I am not going to read them because I'm not interested in them. With Harry Potter at least these books are from what I've heard pretty well written and entertaining enough for its targeted demographic. On the other hand I hear Twilight is poorly written and just not that compelling.

The following was a tiny rant by a bitter old man. Get off my lawn.

Picnic

2010-01-14T22:01:00.002-06:00

I know what everyone is thinking about right now. No not Haiti. You all are thinking, "why can't someone make a Yogi Bear film starring the voices of Dan Aykroyd as Yogi and Justin Timberlake as a Boo-boo?!" (IMDB LINK)

Well you got your wish. 2010 continues to be the year that everyone hoped and dreamed about. Further fun news is that the Spider-Man franchise run by Sam Raimi and starring Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst is done for...and is being rebooted. Rebooting a successful franchise is kind of weird but from the early description they're going for a "darker and grittier" look. Think Spider-Man Begins or the Dark Spider or something with a dash of Twilight. Expect a younger stupider cast and much worse movies. Oh BOY!

So Stupid A Caveman Can Do It (And the NY Times Can Report It)

2010-01-11T13:52:00.006-06:00

I like you New York Times. I really do. I like reading you and you often have in depth coverage on interesting things. But knock it off with this shit. Article: CLICK HERE

Long story short, "new cavemen" will only eat and exercise like cavemen while simultaneously living in the least cavemanish city in the world; New York City.

The caveman lifestyle, in Mr. Durant’s interpretation, involves eating large quantities of meat and then fasting between meals to approximate the lean times that his distant ancestors faced between hunts. Vegetables and fruit are fine, but he avoids foods like bread that were unavailable before the invention of agriculture. Mr. Durant believes the human body evolved for a hunter-gatherer lifestyle, and his goal is to wean himself off what he sees as many millenniums of bad habits.
....
Instead of eating three square meals a day, many of New York’s cavemen fast intermittently, up to 36 hours at a stretch. Fasting is a topic of banter at the Union Square West apartment where Matthew Sanocki and his brother, Andrew, live and run design-related e-commerce Web sites.
....
Andrew Sanocki, 38, a former Navy officer, explained that he preferred working out on an empty stomach near the end of a fast, and then following up with a large meal. This is a common caveman schedule, intended to reflect the exertion that ancient humans put into finding food. It is as if, Mr. Sanocki explained, “we’ve gone out and killed something, and now we have to eat it.”
.....
Upon visiting Mr. Durant’s apartment for the first time, in August, Mr. Averbukh scowled at a tomato plant on his host’s roof deck.
“Cavemen don’t eat nightshades,” Mr. Averbukh, 29, said. He explained that tomatoes are part of the nightshade family, arguing that they are native to the New World and could not have been part of humanity’s earliest diet. Mr. Durant shrugged. (Mr. Durant said later that there was nothing uncavemannish about eating tomatoes.)

If you just read through those blurbs I just copied and pasted you realize how stupid this sounds. What the article also pointed out at least though is that 12000 years ago if you were a caveman you probably died a violent and terrible death before you were 30. Plus if you don't eat bread you're fucking missing out. Bread is one of the staples of human life for thousands of years...sure cavemen didn't eat bread but you know what else cavemen didn't do? Drive a car or use the internet.

The dudes are trying to reverse evolution and they think they can do this by eating raw meat and fasting once in a while...except you know, they still live in New York and acknowledge they don't plan on giving up any of the creature comforts of the modern age.

The quote though that takes the cake on this article is this:

“I didn’t want to do some faddish diet that my sister would do,” Mr. Durant said.

So I'll be the first to admit this blog had very little of my own input and just copied and pasted a lot but I can't apologize for that. Now to go forage for meat in the Hollywood Hills. To add a few more comments here, one guy exercises by "leaping between boulders, playing catch with stones" which he feels are "primal, essential skills that everyone should have." Uh huh...I know I'm screwed when I go hiking in the back country and I can't properly play catch with boulders.

Link Fixed!

SCORE ONE FOR THE GOOD GUYS (ME)

2010-01-11T00:09:00.002-06:00

I found a coupon on the ground today that entitles me to a free dozen Original Glazed doughnuts. The truth is its a postcard from Krispy Kreme wishing someone named Paul a happy birthday. I am not Paul but I plan on redeeming this doughnut coupon tomorrow.

HYPOCRISY OF THE STATE

2010-01-06T00:45:00.002-06:00

I'm a few months behind here but I just want to say that Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech for Best Female Video was completely overblown. Let me lay down some evidence.

1. I was a bit perplexed at the outrage and indignation over the interruption of the award reception. Besides the fact that MTV has been rather culturally irrelevant for the better part of the last 10 years (Except Jersey Shore) MTV has always advertised the Video Music Awards and Movie Awards have prided themselves on being more fun and less stuffy than the traditional awards. The idea that Kanye somehow shattered the sanctity and dignity of the awards is therefore fundamentally flawed. Kanye was the best thing that happened to MTV in the past few years and they should be applauding his behavior.

2. In 1994 one Adam Yauch (MCA) in 'Nathaniel Hornblower' disguise interrupted Michael Stipe as he accepted his own MTV award. His protest was the fact that Sabotage was shut out from winning any video awards. (It was nominated for three. Best Video, Best Director, Best Breakthrough Video) I'm a fan of MCA and The Beastie Boys and if I recall correctly the "incident" was taken in stride/as a joke and its looked back on as a funny moment in MTV history. If I recall, Presidents and former presidents, dozens of commentators from all spectrums of media and other artists failed to condemn MCA for his stunt.

3. 2009 Mtv Video Music Awards...there was an award category titled "Best Video (That Should Have Won a Moonman)." Sabotage won that. Coincidence?? I think not. My conclusion...conspiracy. MTV orchestrated this whole thing and the CIA brainwashed Kanye in to doing this.

Television Should Be More Like This

2010-01-04T00:43:00.001-06:00

The Mayans Warned Us

2010-01-02T16:08:00.002-06:00

I'm in Benji's car and we're heading down to Rochester. 89.3 The Current playing on the radio. Sun going down on a desolate stretch of Highway 52, snow swept landscape, sun going down in the west burning amber orange. The DJ decides to throw on 'New Year's Day' by U2. I won't bore you with a painfully long attempt and articulating why music is awesome and sometimes a certain song comes on and it in a funny but also very serious way makes a moment awesome but....it was pretty awesome.

-I'm still waiting for Dr. Dre's (alleged last album) Detox.

-It's currently -9 degrees and feels like -22 degrees according to Weather.com. I'll just point out that now I legitimately wish I was back in California

-A lot of people/places placed The Strokes - Is This It in the top 5 albums of the decade. I'm likely to agree with most of those people if the assertion that they helped usher in the garage rock revival that in turn brought balance to the music world in which over produced/nu metal rap music of the late 90's dominated.

Keeping that in mind it is always disconcerting when creating lists of decades when something that is arguably "THE BEST" is at the beginning of the decade. For film, two that come immediately to mind are Goodfellas and Raging Bull. Both Scorsese pictures and both were released at the beginning of a decade yet they would both go down as one of the best of the decade...if not THE BEST. I say disconcerting because it certainly makes someone reevaluate the list because right away the author is saying "the best thing came out right away and it was down hill from there." While maybe not literally saying that, I've always been concerned about that when coming up with lists.

The truth though is that Raging Bull has a definite claim at being pegged as 'BEST OF DECADE'. What we should be angry about is why Scorcese had the audacity to release Raging Bull in 1980...he should have released it in 1987 thus alleviating me of any GUILT!!! Damn him.

-Law & Order: SVU marathon the other day on USA and I think even last night. Nice.

-If I make a montage of video clips and stuff that happened over the past 10 years I'd set it to 'Disarm' by Smashing Pumpkins

Oh Jesus

2009-12-28T00:48:00.002-06:00

The People who appear in these clips are actually the people who are running this country. God Save The Queen.

Christmas Time Means Only One Thing

2009-12-27T20:13:00.003-06:00

I watch a lot of television and crappy tv movie that get put on this time a year when there are hours of dead space the networks have to fill.

First on the agenda: The Jackson: An American Dream. Things I learned from this tv mini-series/movie that aired originally on ABC back in 1992 include the fact that Joseph Jackson (The Jackson Patriarch was insane), Michael Jackson had a pet mouse that was brutally killed by his dad, and that Billy Dee Williams is a cool mother.

Second On The Agenda: Law and Order: SVU which I touched on only in title in my last post was something I did/have been watching a bit more of lately. Due to a comment I thought I would post some thoughts on how this show originally started as a show that dealt with disturbing sex related crimes and has now turned in to a 'Ripped From the Headlines Insanity Show' on rival with any crazy ass crime show out there.

I could go on for hours but the reality is the show from my recollection started as a lot more grounded in reality. The crimes were not insane internet pervert plans to broadcast his rape/murder across the internet while wearing a bunny mask...more it was a person was molested and they want to find the creep that did it. After 11 seasons on the air the other problem is that unlike Law and Order (OG) they have really delved right in to extensive character back stories and given them stupid little things that set them off.

You remember how in Back to the Future Marty is never called a chicken and this is never brought up. Then in Part 2 and Part 3 all of a sudden it is Marty's central ethos...that of never backing down when challenged even if that means he crashes his truck in to the Rolls Royce and it ruins his guitar playing hand and his band 'The Pinheads' never make it big!!!!!!!

Well this is what they've done in Law and Order SVU. Christopher Meloni who plays Elliot Stabler is a dedicated cop...SO DEDICATED HE SOMETIMES GETS TO INTENSE. If there is a child being molested believe you me he will freak out. Midway through the interrogation he will grab the perp and yell, "I HAVE A KID MAN!!!!"

Mariska Hargitay plays Olivia Benson. Her existence in the show is a result of her mother being raped. This wreaks havoc on her at times and i swear there are a few episodes where she has huge bouts of guilt for not only not stopping her mom from being raped but also other people who came to her for help. This is a legitimately serious issue in most shows but again it has now devolved in to caricature from time to time. Mariska is also on my list of underrated hotties of the decade (LIST COMING SOON)!

Richard Belzer, Ice-T and a bunch of other cool dudes round out the cast. That said any time any Law and Order decides to rip a story from the headlines it always ends up half baked.

I did want to embed this video just to show you Charlie Day who has now become the lovable goof Charlie on It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia was doing some Law and Order classic back in the day.

Sneak peak at the under rated ladies of the decade...I'm putting Claire Danes up on that list. Total girl next door vibe and she has silently been somewhat under the radar for the better part of the past 10 years.

Things that Need to Stop: PEOPLE RIDING BIKES AND TALKING ON THEIR CELL PHONES. I feel this is actually more dangerous than drunk driving.

Law And Order: Special Insanity Unit

2009-12-23T02:20:00.002-06:00

Worst Movie of the Decade:

I use this as loosely as I can but the film Meet the Spartans was "WRITTEN" by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. To me this represents the worst film of the decade for a number of reasons. First and foremost its lazy film making. Under the guise of humor and parody the two "writers" who also acted as co-directors simply put identifiable characters and have them say their name or just get kicked in a well and its supposed to be humor. REMEMBER WHEN BRITNEY SPEARS SHAVED HER HEAD?!?! WELL GUESS WHAT SHE DOES IT AGAIN IN THIS MOVIE!!! REMEMBER 300 AND HOW PEOPLE YELLED??!?! REMEMBER PARIS HILTON!?!?!

A string of scenes tied together loosely by fart jokes and weak physical comedy are insulting. The worst part is really that the onus of enjoyment is placed entirely on the viewers awareness of other better movies. Remember Rocky Balboa...well good because we have a weak impression of him in this movie!

This gets top nod as the worst film of the decade because it also managed to open as the number 1 film in the country. This makes me feel sick and worry about this countries direction. A world wide gross of over 84 million means the morons who were green lighting this actually aren't morons...they knew the real morons would go to this. A film like The Hurt Locker makes around 16 million and this makes 84...granted not the same year or anything but the perspective is enough for me to punch a wolverine.

I would not shed a tear if the two writers/directors of this were to disappear off the face of this earth. The best part is they sleep on a giant pile of money and will work again in hollywood.

Oh and I'm Flying Again

2009-12-21T03:55:00.003-06:00

When did the 'Ugly Christmas Sweater' and its associated 'Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties' and 'Ugly Christmas Sweater Contests' enter mass hysteria level? I spent a good hour or two trying to figure this out earlier tonight.

Now obviously there was a point in time where the ugly christmas sweater was actually just the 'CHRISTMAS SWEATER' and there was no hint of humor, irony, or ill will placed in these sweaters. As far as I can tell this was called the 1980's and the early 90's. I distinctly remember my mom owning a sweater that would can now be found on the body of a 21 year old male who is going to the bar in hopes of winning the "ugly sweater" contest. I'm sure it started off innocently enough. A young 'hip' couple wants to have a non-typical Christmas card to send to their friends and family. They take a few tacky Christmas Sweaters from yesteryear and take a few photos with them, get it developed, and then send them out as Christmas cards. Their other friends get them in the mail and have a good laugh or two. They think of their friends as clever...and they were.

Now though we've entered the realm of postmodernism in the Christmas Sweater world. Everyone wears the damn thing. Everyone has the Ugly Christmas Sweater day at the office. It is now unavoidable. Will we hit a backlash? I don't see a backlash coming for at least a few more years. The main issue is that Christmas is once a year...so there isn't enough time to get upset about this all and by the time you work up your anger its already gone. Much like Halloween and the 'Slut Costume' it is possible that the Ugly Sweater will become a permanent fixture of the holiday. The other alternative is that this falls out of fashion around 2012 (pending Mayan prediction of worlds destruction) and then the only people wearing these will be the hardcore fundamentalist sweater wearers. They will declare without a trace of irony that they "Love these sweaters" and that "they like how they look." These will be lies but they will now be looked down upon by the millions who once participated in the ugly sweater contests...they will be viewed as holding on too long and that the "joke is no longer funny." I will remain smug from my Ivory Blog Tower.

The biggest problem with the current sweater trend is that a guy like this will think he is actually being funny and that his friends will also declare that "John is such a funny guy. WILL YOU LOOK AT HIS SWEATER!! HAHAHA!!!" What they don't realize is that John is empty. He demands that you pay attention to him because of his supposed outlandishness. It is a lie. He will go home on December 23rd to an empty studio apartment following the office party. Hundreds of miles from his family, the only ones who truly care if he lives or dies will be celebrating. John is too poor to afford a flight home. He will awaken Christmas day to a familiar noise...its his ring tone. *Danger Zone* Janet from accounting likes that ring tone. Johns mother has called to wish him a Merry Christmas...he hears laughter in the background. The call is short and John tells his mother to say hi to everyone for him. John goes to the fridge and grabs the party size subs he took from the Christmas party as there were way too many and if they left them in the office fridge they would be rotten by the time everyone returned after the holiday break. He is in his underwear sitting on wooden chair he bought from Ikea. He turns on the television and watches National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. His only thought..."THIS IS THE SWEATER'S FAULT."

Merry Christmas.

Move Bitch

2009-12-21T01:42:00.002-06:00

There are a few reasons why this song sticks out in my mind. The first is there is a video right now of a cat riding a roomba around and it slaps a dog. The song 'Move Bitch' is playing over the video.

I think Move Bitch is a great song. The chorus is pretty clear. There is a bitch in the way and he or she better move. The rest of the song talks about being drunk, getting laid, and doing other crazy things.

The reason why this song sticks out in my mind so strongly though is because the Minnesota Twins were singing this song after clinching the division in 2002. That year as long as my memory serves me correct, was the year where there were strong rumors that both the Twins and the Expos were going to get contracted. This would have been terrible but once the Twins clinched the division they were spraying champagne in the locker room and singing 'Move Bitch'. This was funny because its always funny when tv shows and news networks play swearing unintentionally.

Go Twins.

Can I point Out

2009-12-18T00:05:00.001-06:00

That I was ahead of the curve on hyping Jersey Shore. I'm sure everyone and their mothers will be talking about it around the dinner table come Christmas time. But please cite Scott as the reason for it all. Thank you and god bless.

Burger Wars

2009-12-16T19:45:00.002-06:00

Only the dead have seen the end of war. - Plato

Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. - Jesus

The quest for the perfect 'fast food' burger is a lot like combat. A lot of down time followed by a few moments of pure excitement, fear, and adrenaline. Then after the action an immediate let down...followed by a little introspection and maybe some crying.

Taken as a whole the burger landscape couldn't be better. There are the old classics that can be found at McDonalds and Burger King. There is even an upper market crust that can be found at places that could even be called "trendy" where if you don't mind spending 11 dollars on a burger, one can be found that may in fact blow your mind. I care not for this type of burger. I want one that I can drive through and pick up. This leads us to the burger wars.

1. In-N-Out (Can be found in California, Arizona, Nevada, Utah)

Claims to fame include being essentially a west coast entity. Made to order, fresh ingredients, and a cult like following. The genius of In-N-Out is that the menu is build on simplicity. You can get a burger, fries, a drink, and if you dare a milk shake. A meal of a single patty burger, fries, and drink will only cost you a five dollar bill which is a great deal. Do I think its the best fast food burger out there? Probably not...but I think the reason why it has such a loyal fan base is for two reasons. One is that there is a expected level of quality that is pretty much always met. You order and then it is made...the simplicity becomes its greatest asset. You know you're not getting a heat lamp burger and you know what it will taste like. I prefer my burger "animal style" but the standard burger provides plenty of flavor as well.

Secondly I think that hype is what makes In-N-Out gain such fame and notoriety. Because of the limited locations (both in what States its located and number of locations) it becomes almost like the forbidden fruit...or perhaps more like a case of "The Grass is Always Greener." In-N-Out has permeated popular culture to a point where I think if you're visiting California a suggestion will be made to at least stop there once and get a burger. With that in mind I can speak firsthand about the longing for In-N-Out.

One less than stellar point with In-N-Out is their fries. I order mine well done and even then they are lifeless. Yes I realize they cut their own potatoes and make them fresh but whatever oil they're fried among other things just doesn't imbue enough flavor in to them. They taste rather bland so I end up over salting them and dousing them in ketchup. I'd say out of all fast food chains they may have my least favorite french fries. Its a damn shame too because to me the french fries are almost as important as the burger.

In conclusion In-N-Out provides a high quality product at basement prices.

2. Five Guys (Began in Virginia but is now spreading out Nation Wide)

If In-N-Out is Tupac, then I would say Five Guys originally was The Notorious B.I.G. Five Guys is often used as a counterpoint to In-N-Out as a chain where burgers are king. Unlike In-N-Out you can find Five Guys slowing creeping across the country. Although the highest concentration of locations is still located on the East Coast they can be found all over the country including Edina Minnesota and Carson, California.

They take a very similar no frills approach to their food and their serving style. One thing I like about Five Guys is the option to add a few more frills to your burger than In-N-Out. Jalapeno, grilled onion, grilled mushroom, bacon, and other things let you trick out your burger a bit more. Its difficult to articulate how the burger tastes but the patty is relatively sizable and comes on a sesame seed bun. The flavor is strong and almost buttery. I like them a lot.

A huge selling point to me is their french fries. They're fucking great and even the "regular" size is gigantic. They scoop them up and drop them in a styrofoam cup but basically through in a huge amount of overflow in to the paper bag they throw the fries in so you're getting. I'd roughly approximate the amount of fries you get in a regular order to a super sized McDonalds french fry order (R.I.P. super sized options) plus another medium order of fries. SO what I'm saying is you're getting fat. The fries are seasoned in some sort of light spice medley that is quite good. The fries elevate the burger to greater heights and I have to say much like the East Coast West Coast rivalry there is no clear winner....except America.

Five Guys also provides complimentary peanuts while you wait for your food to finish but seeing as I don't like peanuts this means nothing to me.

Burger Wars will continue at a later date.

Wow I'm Awesome

2009-12-14T12:54:00.002-06:00

If you may recall many months ago I made a brief little blog post about the brilliance of the song 'She's Got the Look' by Roxette many moons ago. Well thanks to the great folks at Rockstar Games I was able to hear this song a lot more in commercials over the last couple months.

Look, if you don't like video games thats one thing but at this point you pretty much cannot deny that they are no longer some passing fad (although I think the only people who felt that they would be a "fad" are people who were over 45 in 1979) but a multi-billion dollar industry. Grand Theft Auto to me is a brilliant conglomeration of decades worth of American pop culture smashed into one massive brilliant orgy of violence, sex, and humor. With Grand Theft Auto 4 and its most recently released expansions, you have a story taking place in a fictional New York known as Liberty City and you have some great story telling going on. Its really quite hilarious to be honest. Here is the trailer with 'She's Got the Look' in it by the way.

Enough about videogames though. There has been a lot going on in the news. And there has been no bigger story than the one I'm about to talk about. I'm of course talking about the escalating awesomeness of JERSEY SHORE. I'm dead serious that if you're not watching this show you are missing television history. In three episodes of this show I've laughed, I've cried, and I vomited. MTV could really branch this show out and find more disturbing sub cultures entrenched throughout the United States. Next year instead of Jersey Shore just do a show about Juggalos and have it culminate with an episode taking place at the 'Gather of the Juggalos'. Bill Simmons suggested doing one on people from Boston's North Shore...I agree. Perhaps we could also get a show about Russians from Brooklyn or something. Definitely though they need to do one on either Armenians in Los Angeles or Persians in Los Angeles.

Finally, I just want to say that I laugh in the general direction of the University of Minnesota. They are asking me for money every couple of months and my general thought on giving them more of my money is this.

My Typical Saturday Night

2009-12-06T03:49:00.002-06:00

The Most Important TV Show In A Long While

2009-11-27T01:24:00.002-06:00

MTV has a new show about self professed "guidos." Count me in.

On the other hand it does appear that they're legitimately having a good time. Which is probably the exact opposite of what I am usually doing.

Also we are nearing the end of the year 2009 so I will be having many looks back at the moments, people, and events that shaped this past ten years. It's been a fun decade and I think we can all agree that its had its share of ups and downs. With that in mind I will be spending my new year in Minneapolis!! That's right...I'm spending it in the wintery wonderland that is Minnesota. FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA.